Conqueror

Inspiration

2009-06-30T19:25:00.001-07:00

Strange thoughts and words.
Flowing
and decadent.
Where do they come from?

They cannot be mine.
Mine are
choppy
disconnected
confused.
These are smooth and
luscious.
Like chocolate on my tongue.

I know not where these words
originate
or where
they are going.
Am I going mad?

Is it madness to blindly follow?
clueless
questioning
hoping
that the end is as beautiful
as the journey.

The true author of these words knows.
But He is ever
silent
secretive
only prompting.

Yet, curiosity is all-consuming.
Prodding
tormenting
wondering
Where does this road lead?

The answer is not to be found.
Unless I follow
and by following
reach
the end.

Very Full Of Our Self-Importance We Are

2009-06-19T23:18:00.000-07:00

We rush around to do so many important things. A meeting. An assembly. A party. We stress out over so many important things. Does he like me? Am I getting fat? Is this true love? Can I afford a bigger TV?
OR
Will I get that job? Will that college accept me? Can I get a 4.0 GPA?

So much of importance that must be accomplished! So much that can possibly go wrong!

Yet, what is a drop in an ocean? What is one day out of an entire year? What is one book in a library?

Minuscule, that's what. Small and unimportant.

So worry! Stress! Rush around and accomplish your single-minded, self-centered goals. Then, when you finally achieve what you were chasing after or despair of ever getting it, look back on the lives you touched.

See the tears you never wiped away. Notice the pain you caused and the scars you created. See the laughter you never got to share and the jokes you failed to tell.

The truth?

It's not really the "Here" and "Now" that matter.

It's the "Who."

Who have you blessed, encouraged, hugged, or loved today?

This week?

Month? Year?

Dreams

2009-06-19T16:50:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a friend about dreams today.

What a fascinating concept--the human ability to dream. How do you limit such a wonderful thing to words?

You can't limit it, of course. That's just the thing that makes up its very essence. A dream is limitless. Anything you can imagine suddenly becomes a possibility! Cripples can walk. The blind can see. The ugly become beautiful and Prince Charming waltzes in and sweeps you off your feet. "Impossible" has ceased to be a word in your vocabulary.

There is only one condition: closed eyes. You must close your eyes to reality, to practicality, to logic. You must not think of what mother would say or what your friends will think. You know that mother is very logical and likes practical things. Under such scrutiny, your dream would probably fall to pieces. Many of your friends, also, are not very supportive. The way of today's world is to look out for yourself. They have their own dreams and have no time for yours. Besides, they have sharp tongues. Under such heavy ridicule, your dreams would wither in seconds.

The world is a dangerous place. It is important to hold your dreams close to your own heart. Once you let them out, who knows what will happen to them! What if you never get them back? What if they are injured beyond all hope?

For each person, the dangers are a little different. And yet, so many dreams are shot down before they even have a chance to breathe! Do not let that happen to yours. Cherish it. Keep it close. Achieve it. Then, when you have reached the heights you dreamed of, stand proud and declare your accomplishments.

Look forward to the time when you can finally say "I am living my dream."

A dream is a beautiful thing. Cherish yours, for there are many who have lost theirs.

New Beginnings

2009-06-14T22:50:00.000-07:00

Last day of school is long gone. Senior trip has been over. Graduation? Been there and done that. I suppose it's about time to write something meaningful.

This middle state is very interesting. There are no titles on me yet. I am no longer a high school senior. Nor am I quite a college freshman yet. I'm just me, and that is quite enough.

Friendships that have been will no longer be. New ones will be formed. My entire life is changing. And yet, some things will forever be the same. It doesn't feel like I have changed much. Either for better or for worse.

I'm both excited and scared at the same time. I look forward to seeing how my life will change and what new adventures and discoveries lie before me. However, I am heading directly into the great unknown. Anything could happen and my control is so small.

Stress is big, too. There's so much to do between now and then!

I think responsibility is overrated. I don't know about any of you, but every once in a while I get the urge to leave. Actually, I get that urge quite often. It's the desire to just stand up and walk away... and just keep walking. To forget about everything that needs to be done and all the people that have some claim on my time. Instead, to walk. Enjoy nature. Enjoy being alive! Relish my smallness in relation to the universe. Enjoy being alone.

It turns out that having one special person in your life is not necessary. It is possible to get through life without ever having one really good friend to support you and be supported by you. It is possible to get through life without ever having a significant other. While it is better to have good friends and companionship, it isn't necessary. I would not say it is not worth it if you have it, but don't waste your life seeking it. Enjoy the friends and family you have, but when they move on, open your heart to others. I am learning that you cannot ever run out of love. As new people come into your lives, there is room in your heart for them along with everyone else--nobody needs to be replaced. Your heart just automatically expands to encompass them as well! It's amazing and so sweet. Yes, it hurts when it is time to move on or others leave you. However, do not dwell on the sadness of parting, but, rather, the joy of new relationships. That is hard for me to do, but when I finally slap myself out of a pity party, I feel so much better!

All this change makes me look back at my life. That's not an altogether happy thing. However, all the things I've done make up who I am. Whether I like that or not, it's just the way it is. All that remains is for me to decide whether or not I will accept who I am. But if I do not accept my identity, how can others accept it?

Such are the random thoughts that flit through my mind almost daily as I deal with this in-between state. And the desire to stand up and walk off somewhere remains. But I have been told to go to bed and must obey.

took another random quiz... whee!

2009-05-21T18:22:00.000-07:00

What does my birth month say about me?

September

Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves sports, leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

hmm.. comments, please. just for the fun of it. =]

Fine Again

2009-05-14T19:08:00.000-07:00

by Seether

"It seems like everyday's the same
And I'm left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
And there's no color to behold

They say it's over and I'm fine again, yeah
Try to stay sober, feels like I'm dying here

And I am aware now of how
Everything's going to be fine
One day, too late, I'm in Hell

I am prepared now
Seems everyone's gonna be fine
One day, too late, just as well

I feel the dream in me expire
And there's no one left to blame it on
I hear you label me a liar
'Cause I can't seem to get this through

You say it's over, I can sigh again, yeah
But why try to stay sober when I'm dying here?

And I am aware now of how
Everything's gonna be fine
One day, too late, I'm in Hell

I am prepared now
Seems everyone's gonna be fine
One day, too late, just as well

And I'm not scared now
I must assure you
You're never going to get away
And I'm not scared now, no
And I'm not scared now, no

So, yeah, I'm aware now of how
Everything's gonna be fine
One day, too late, I'm in Hell

I am prepared now
Seems everyone's gonna be fine
One day, too late, just as well

I am prepared now
Seems everything's gonna be fine
For me, for me, for myself
For me, for me, for myself
For me, for me, for myself

I am prepared now for myself
I am prepared now and I am fine again"

Why, Why, Why...

2009-05-01T11:49:00.001-07:00

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, “That really hurt, why don’t you watch where you’re going?”

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my favorite …

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends—if they’re okay, then it’s you.

Fine?

2009-04-04T22:12:00.000-07:00

Yes, it hurt. But I'll be fine. In fact, I'll be more than fine. There is this overarching sense of freedom. It won't go away. I'm free. I keep saying it to myself. It feels so good. Half the stuff that used to stress me out has been taken away from me. Half the people who used to drive me crazy are now invisible to me. It's both wonderful and terrible.

Harrison always teases me about my bad memory. However, it's times like these that make me happy that I can forget things so easily. All the painful memories are gone. What's left? freedom. happiness. renewed well-being and self-confidence. I don't have to doubt myself. Each person makes their own choices. They chose this. I welcome it.

So long. Farewell. I just hope that you don't ever regret this. I don't.

There is, though, one person I feel bad for--the boyfriend. The rebound. I pity him. I wonder how long he'll have before he gets ditched, too? And I wonder how he would feel if he knew that he could never fill the hole that the first one left. *shakes head sadly* then again, it's not my problem anymore. I'm free. =]

Anyone else decide they don't like me anymore? Now's the time to let me know. You can get in line and I'll add your name to the list.

And now is when I laugh. A clear, happy laugh. Not my usual tired, cynical, or maniacal laughter. Truly happy laughter.

My love to all those who I keep in my heart. My humblest apologies if I ever let you feel as invisible and worthless as I have felt. My love for you will grow forever unless you kill it. Your choice.

Gone

2009-04-04T22:01:00.000-07:00

Don't say so long, and throw yourself wrong
Don't spend today away
Cuz today will soon be

Gone, like yesterday is gone,
Like history is
Gone, just trying to prove me wrong
And pretend like you're immortal

Don't say so long
You're not that far gone
This could be your big chance to makeup
Today will soon be

Gone, like yeterday is gone,
Like history is gone,
The world keeps spinning on,
Your going going gone,
Like summer break is gone,
Like saturday is gone
Just try to prove me wrong
You pretend like your immortal your immortal

We are not infinite
We are not permanent
Nothing is immediate
We're so confident
In our accomplishments
Look at our decadence

Gone, like Frank Sinatra
Like Elvis and his mom
Like AL Pacino's cash nothing lasts in this life
My highschool dreams are gone
My childhood sweets are gone
Life is a day that doesn't last for long

Life is more than money
Time was never money
Time was never cash,
Life is still more than girls
Life is more than hundred dollar bills
And roto-tom fills
Life's more than fame and rock and roll and thrills
All the riches of the kings
End up in wills we got information in the information age
But do we know what life is
Outside of our convenient Lexus cages

Life is still worth living, life is still worth living

A Friend Is....

2009-03-27T11:15:00.000-07:00

A friend is one who is not hard to find when you are penniless.

A friend is one who makes your grief less painful, Your adversity more bearable.

A friend is one who joyfully sings with you when you are on the mountaintop, and silently walks beside you through the valley.

A friend is one with whom you are comfortable, to whom you are loyal, through whom you are blessed, and for whom you are grateful.

A friend is one who warms you by her presence, trusts you with her secrets, and remembers you in her prayers.

A friend is one who gives you a spark of assurance when you doubt your ability to fulfill your noblest aspiration, climb your special mountain, or reach your secret goal.

A friend is one who helps you bridge the gaps between loneliness and fellowship, frustration and confidence, despair and hope, setbacks and success.

A friend is one who is available to you, understanding of you, and patient with you.

A friend is someone who listens.

A friend is no less a gift from God than is a talent; no less a treasure than life itself.

Into the Woods

2009-03-16T21:41:00.000-07:00

I wish... more than anything...
more than life!
more than jewels...
more than the moon...

*****

No, of course, what really matters is the blame.
Somebody to blame.
Fine, if that's the thing you enjoy, placing the blame,
If that's the aim, give me the blame.

You're so nice.
You're not good, you're not bad,
You're just nice.
I'm not good, I'm not nice,
I'm just right.
I'm the witch.
You're the world.

Oh, why bother?
You'll just do what you do!
I'm the hitch, I'm what no one believes.

I'm leaving you my last curse:
I'm leaving you alone.

Depression

2009-03-02T19:40:00.000-08:00

They say that
depression
can ruin relationships
depression
can drive others away
depression
can cause suicide.

They say to
take drugs
drink medicine
talk to a shrink
forget everything.

They do not know
that sometimes
all it takes
is a hug
and kiss:
"I love you."
Reassurance,
everything will be okay
life will move on
the world will continue to turn
this is not the end.

To a Daughter Leaving Home

2009-02-16T21:57:00.000-08:00

by Linda Pastan (b. 1932)
When I taught you
at eight to ride
a bicycle, loping along
beside you
as you wobbled away
on two round wheels,
my own mouth rounding
in surprise when you pulled
ahead down the curved
path of the park,
I kept waiting
for the thud
of your crash as I
sprinted to catch up,
while you grew
smaller, more breakable
with distance,
pumping, pumping
for your life, screaming
with laughter,
the hair flapping
behind you like a
handkerchief waving
goodbye.

Game Over

2009-02-07T22:22:00.000-08:00

I would say I'm sorry that I can't be everything you want me to be.. but I'm really not. I'm me. If that wasn't good enough for you then I think I'm glad it's over.

Yes, it's over. That's what I said. I'm quitting the game.

You've killed me for the last time and I have no more lives left. So, this is goodbye. It's game over for me and you.

I tried so hard, I really did. I don't know if you noticed.. but I poured myself out for you.

But you left me over and over again. I was a mere decoration hanging on the wall of your life. When you needed me, you would pull me out to help you look better. More and more often now, though, you have not needed me. Instead, you stuffed me into the back of your closet and I never more saw the light of day.

And you... At first things were good. I thought we were close. But then I found more and more that you hid from me. You'd only come to me when you needed something. When you didn't need me, you'd cut me with the knives that were your words and leave me to shrivel up and die. The more you hide from me, the more I realize I'm not wanted.

So this is the end. It's game over and I'm going to turn off the game and quit playing.

How to Know if You Aren't Ready to Date

2009-02-01T14:37:00.000-08:00

1. When a guy asks you someplace, you say yes. But later, when you think about it, you get so nervous you're nauseated.

2. A guy tells you he likes you.. from that point on.. whenever you think of him you want to scream and run away.

hm.

2009-01-27T18:12:00.000-08:00

So... my auntie called tonight... to tell me that.. supposedly... stores are selling Easter junk already. o.O

Funky.

Game!

2009-01-05T21:08:00.000-08:00

School started back up again today. It was just as boring as it was before break. *sighs*

So, let's play a game! My sister did this on Facebook, but since I don't have one, I'll do it here. =]

I'll list 20 quotes and you must try to guess what movie each one is from. When one is guessed, i'll put underneath it who guessed it. Now, play nice. No searching or anything of that sort. ;)

1. "You call this a happy family? Why do we have to have all these kids?" ~It's a Wonderful Life
Harrison Beckmann

2. "Wait! There's something interesting in that woman's smile. I might learn to like her. Hang her in my bathroom." ~Annie
Joysy

3. "Take your filthy hands off my asp!"

4. "This town's had enough heartbreak. Too much. Me, I think you're settin' everybody up for more. I hope I'm wrong. I haven't had to kill anybody since the war."

5. A: "Your ship is sinking, Captain."
B: "Then we shall drown together."
A: "Brave, but impractical. Now we English are a practical people. I've no intention of drowning with you." ~The Sea Hawk
Joysy

6. "Because it's magic. Magic has to be believed. It's the only way it's real."

7. "Somehow it just don't seem fitting for a man to spend his wedding night in a tree." ~Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
Katie

8. "My dear chap, I never would have dreamt of depriving you of your moment of triumph. Alas, a moment was all I could spare." ~The Scarlet Pimpernel
Deborah Liu

9. "In some ways, you're far superior to my cocker spaniel." ~White Christmas
Smnthers

10. "You might - from your appearance - be the wife of Lucifer; yet you shall not get the better of me. I'm an Englishwoman! I'm your match!" ~A Tale of Two Cities
Joysy

11. "Pathetic? To die for love? How can you say so? What could be more glorious?"
~Sense and Sensibility
Joysy

12. "You kept the map but you couldn't manage to grab a little more FOOD?"

13. "You shouldn't keep souvenirs of a killing. You shouldn't have been that sentimental."

14. "I thought we might end this evening with a discussion of the soul. All of the greatest religions speak of the soul’s endurance before the end of life. So what then does it mean to die?"

15. "No, you're not Wilson, but you're face is familiar. Let me see. You're not anyone I know now - perhaps later on my hunting trip to Africa. Yes, you look like someone I might meet in the jungle." ~Arsenic and Old Lace
Joysy

16. "If it is for sale, my lord. It is not love."

17. "Well, when I heard Normans were approaching I ran to lock up my wife. But, she'd also heard they were approaching, and locked me up instead."

18. "I like Mass better in Latin. It's nicer when you don't know what they're saying."

19. "I made a mess of everything, even my death."

20. "They said I was gonna die soon but, maybe not."

More Than Fine

2009-01-03T22:33:00.001-08:00

by Switchfoot

"When I wake in the morning,
I want to blow into pieces.
I want more than just ok, more than just ok.
When I'm up with the sunrise
I want more than just blue skies.
I want more than just ok, more than just ok.

I'm not giving up, giving up, not giving up now.
I'm not giving up, giving up, not backing down.

More than fine, more than bent on getting by.
More than fine, more than just ok.

When I'm lit with the sunrise.
I want more than just a good time.
I want more than just ok, more than just ok.

I'm not giving up, giving up, not giving up now.
I'm not giving up, giving up, not selling out.

More than fine, more than bent on getting by.
More than fine, more than just ok.
More than fine, more than bent on getting by.
More than fine, more than just ok.

More than oceans away from the dawn.
More than oceans away from the dawn.
More than oceans away from who we are
More than oceans, more than oceans, yeah.

More than fine, more than bent on getting by.
More than fine, more than just ok.
More than fine, more than bent on getting by.
More than fine, more than just ok."

Happy New Year!

2009-01-02T23:22:00.001-08:00

It’s a new year. I would have posted this yesterday, but I was in Missouri with family and didn’t have the time or resources. =] So you get this a day late.

This year, I have one resolution: to not have any at all! I mean, think about it. Every year, we all come up with resolutions. Generally they are all the same. Lose weight. Get smarter. Get along with people better. Be more spiritual. Get better grades. Make more money. The list goes on. The same thing every year.

Instead of making more resolutions that I know I will not keep, I will enjoy what this new year really means to me. This new year really is another chance to me. Like a second chance at everything. Another chance to live.. dream… and even love.

Last year, I learned a lot. I did a lot of stupid things, but some smart things, too. I had my mistakes and my successes. Looking back on it now, I’m glad it’s over, but I will treasure what I retain–both the scars and lessons.

This coming year, I will graduate. Then I will go all the way across the country to college–hopefully further if I can study abroad. Change is inevitable, although not always welcome. Right now, though, I’m ready for another chance. I’m ready for change. It’s time to change my view of life… happiness…. and love. It’s time to drop much of what I once thought I knew and make room for new possibilities.

Regardless of what happened last year. This year is a new chance.

Another chance at life.

Another chance at happiness.

Another chance at love.

Freedom

2008-12-25T19:06:00.000-08:00

It is such a wonderful feeling to have heavy questions answered. Questions that have weighed heavily on me for months suddenly dissolved into the air leaving me many pounds lighter.

What a marvelous feeling.

True, not all of the questions have been answered--and more have surfaced since then. However, the heaviness is still gone.

Perhaps hope remains after all.

Stained Glass Masquerade

2008-12-12T20:45:00.001-08:00

by Casting Crowns

"Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay"

Futility

2008-12-05T21:10:00.000-08:00

Tired of the world's abuses, he gave it one last look. Then he turned around and walked off the cliff.

Nobody noticed.

So... what was the point? what good did it do for him?

Facing the Truth

2008-11-20T21:03:00.000-08:00

This post is probably going to end up being very depressing: you have been warned! Stop now if you want to keep your good mood. =]

The truth is I may never see you again after next week. These last days before you leave might end up to be the last days forever. You are going to war! People die in wars. Yes, I know that it's not as bad now as it has been in previous wars. And I also realize that you could die here in America anyways. But if you were to die here, at least it would be closer to me... and it would most likely be because of an accident. If you die out there, it will be because of someone's hate. War itself is not a happy thought.. and if you were to die out there. Unloved. Maybe even unrecognized!

You will be gone a whole year.. if not more.

You promised me you would bring roses to my senior graduation. I'll be graduating next year. You won't even be in the states.

After graduation, I'll have my grad party...

I'll be getting my driver's license right around then, too. I still haven't learned how to drive a manual car.

Next September will be my 18th birthday...

The truth is.. I can't live without you. You were always the one who knew what I was thinking.. but didn't say anything until I came to you. You were the one to try to cheer me up through my tears, then get mad at me when it wouldn't work. But then when I wouldn't cry, you would tell me that sometime it's okay to cry. Then you would sit there and say, "If you need to cry, go ahead." And I always knew you would be my shoulder if I ever needed it. And even just knowing that was enough.

So, I guess the real truth is that any of us could die any day. But knowing that you are going so far away and for so long leaves me feeling empty inside.

Here is my farewell to you. I may never see you again. Any of us could die at any time. I want you to know how much I love you. There will always be a special place for you in my heart. In fact, I have devoted my entire right atrium just for you. =] Hope it's comfy. If you ever need anything, just step into my office--you won't need an appointment. So farewell. Someday we will be together again... forever.

Whether we die today.. or tomorrow.. or next year. I want you to know the truth.

I love you, my brother.

Not talking about it...

2008-11-16T17:38:00.000-08:00

So... here's the last bit I have to say about it.. I don't want to make you talk about it again if you don't want to.. so you can just read. =]

The truth is, I'm still recovering. I got hurt pretty bad.. doesn't matter whose fault it is. But I put my pain aside to try to help you recover from yours. However, once you recovered, I was left only with my own pain. I'm still working on my own recovery now. It's coming.. very slowly, though, because of the delay.

While your pain has had time to lessen and your wounds heal.. mine are still fresh. No, actually worse. They aren't fresh.. but old and untreated--blistered and infected.

When you ask if I will be able to stand seeing you... that is actually a valid question. I don't know the answer yet. Please, don't feel bad if the answer turns out to be no. Just remember my wounds have not healed yet. Just give me time. But don't give up. You will never know the answer until you show yourself to me, right? ;)

Shadow of the Day

2008-11-10T22:21:00.000-08:00

By Linkin Park

"I close both locks below the window.
I close both blinds and turn away.
Sometimes solutions aren’t so simple.
Sometimes goodbye’s the only way.

And the sun will set for you,
The sun will set for you.
And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in grey,
And the sun will set for you.

In cards and flowers on your window,
Your friends all plead for you to stay.
Sometimes beginnings aren’t so simple.
Sometimes goodbye’s the only way.

And the sun will set for you,
The sun will set for you.
And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in gray,
And the sun will set for you."