Master of Irony

Hopes for Today

2009-12-24T05:50:00.002-05:00

-Every patient will cooperate without any pushing.
-All my patients will be ready when I need them.
-PT will take all the pain away for the next 48 hours.
-No admissions. (Unlikely since one person was supposed to come yesterday and was kept "one more night" which means unless she is about to die at the moment they pick herup she'll be sent to the nursing home today. And the unfortunate thing is she is at the far nursing home and I really don't want to have to drive there).
-I'll be done in less than 8 hours.

-And most of all, that all of you will have calm, peaceful Christmas Eves.

This is why I dread this week of the year

2009-12-23T23:18:00.002-05:00

PT for me was good. They did some pain management that really helped. I've promptly not done my exercises but I worked from 9 Am until 9 PM with a 30 minute break and over 100% productivity, including 5 evals, which included one lady who screamed at me that she hated me and hit me with both hands because I didn't want her to walk around on the cuffs of her pants that she wouldn't pull up after she peed because she was angry that I suggested she try herself. It was charming and I can't wait to treat her again. Although I suspect she'll sign herself out AMA just like she did elsewhere a few weeks ago, and I suspect there is a distinct reason why, called I think she has a drinking problem.

But I'm so, so tired. I didn't get home until 10, I still have to put a sheet and blankets and pillowcaseson my bed, I should shower, and my meds are just barely starting to work and I have to be up at 5 for more PT.

So, I should shut up, but at least I finally believe my ankle is going to heal. I'm going to wean from the cast boot to another brace in about 2 weeks and then as my ankle is stronger I'll get off the cast boot at work and then eventually teh brace, I assume.

For now, I have a cat demanding love and I can't blame her; I've worked 30 some hours in the last 3 days. Plus the commute, plus counseling, plus PT.

More tomorrow, if I survive.

Odd

2009-12-23T05:41:00.001-05:00

It seems part of my last post came out highlighted. It did that after I spellchecked and deleted a word I couldn't get close enough to even get a suggestion. I figured it was just on my edit screen, but it wasn't. So sorry, don't know why. Blogger can be weird.

Off to PT in a few minutes.....

So many things to stress over

2009-12-22T20:29:00.002-05:00

I'm adding more and more to my list. First and foremost: my ankle hurts. Shocking, I know, but ouch. And I start PT tomorrow, and each visit costs $50. So, bye-bye every penny of overtime I make for the next month or 2.

Second, Dr. Brain is stressing me out. I cannot imagine what she has come back to since she was off; I know she told me she was working 3 straight weekends, and she is Jewish and has been celebrating their holiday that I can't spell no matter how many times I try tonight. Plus she always gets slammed by people not handling the holidays well. But.......Back in Sept. she prescribed me a new version of a med I've taken for years. With either version I was going to need pre-authorization from my insurance. When I got out of the hospital I found out she never got it. I paid $300 and then asked her to try to get it retro-actively covered. As she asked I took the script in and started having it submitted right after my last appointment. And she hasn't done the authorization. So tomorrow I take my last pill of what I really take. I then have a small supply of the old stuff that I don't like nearly as well, and then I'm out. And without this med I cannot work because I need it to wake up. Especially when I'm this tired and work is this demanding. Which means if I don't get the approval soon I'll have to pay $300 out of pocket again.

And I'm worried about PT tomorrow. I am scared that they'll tell me to just start using the ankle normally, without the cast boot, and I cannot imagine the pain. I was nearly crying tonight it hurt so badly on the way home. I'm also afraid it will feel like a waste of time. I just don't want to spend my free time getting therapy on ME.

And my patches keep falling off. Three in the last week. I have no clue where they are, or hwen they come off, but I need them to stick. I have no clue what changed; I'm doing nothing different.

I have to do these appeals on wheelchair forms my predecessor did that were denied. Medicaid is picky so the denials happen. Back when I started I could get the chairs for anyone. Now they don't even do them, but these appeals are from the end of that time. Well, they were denied because he's an idiot. He tries to throw around big words but doesn't know what they mean, so he winds up making up diagnoses (really), and my favorite of all: Bell's palsy, which is a facial nerve paralysis that occurs and then gradually heals, he apparently didn't know what it was nor did he look it up, so he listed it as an orthopedic issue. And then we wonder why the chairs were denied..........I have one appeal done, one to go. Yippee. Hopefully the next will be as amusing.

There's more. I just can't even remember what. It's now time to get a shower and iron clothes for tomorrow since I have to leave at 6:30 for PT. It's gonna be a long, long day........

Maybe someone knows?

2009-12-22T06:00:00.002-05:00

Guess what? This post is not going to be about pain or illness.

The year I turned 22 I found out on my 22nd birthday that my parents had known all along I had been molested as a small child, but thought that telling the person doing to it stop had effectively ended it. I also found out my father had molested more people that we were aware of, including the girl next door whose sudden stop to our close friendship had hurt me badly around middle school. I also spent the evening of my 22nd birthday trying to help my father's wife figure out how to leave him and where she could go to be safe, while keeping my 15 month old brother safe as well. And from that night on I spent the next months figuring out to keep my father out of my life and then withdrawing from him, a horrible process I don't like to recall. (Especially the part where I didn't invite him to my college graduation and he showed up anyway.....)

Anyway, for that birthday that I do not want to remember he gave me a sapphire ring. And for graduation he gave a collectible gold coin.

I have kept these things for the past 12 years because my mother says I'll want them someday. I don't think so. I think they just are painful memories and finding them triggers more painful memories.

I want to sell them. But how does one do that? How do you know you're getting a fair price? I have no idea of the initial value. Where do you do that?

I'm sure they aren't worth much, but I'm thinking I'd rather than $100 in my kitchen remodel account (I have to replace my patio door this spring, and it has leaked and damaged the floor and subfloor, so I'm also going to have that repaired and laminate put down instead of the dreadful linoleum that currently is there, linoleum I'm convinced is impossible to clean) than I would

like to have these things sitting around.

Any idea how I get this done?

Frustrated

2009-12-20T21:25:00.004-05:00

I'm having a hard time coping with this ankle thing. It feels like one more bad thing in a series of so many, and I'm so extremely tired. I'm already completely tired of it hurting and that's likely to continue for a bit yet. And tonight the pain is worse and different, the kind of pain that says "no more walking without the cast boot until at least tomorrow, and be prepared to request another x-ray". Because what I though I remembered turns out to be true when I look it up; ankle sprains can hide small fractures of the foot that show up a couple weeks later, and what I'm feeling now sound very much like a fracture acting up. It's not a big deal if that's what it is; same treatment, just longer in the cast boot. And I'm undoubtedly expecting the worst; the last months have taught me to think that way. It's something I'd unlearned once, and while I've been worse, it's hard to not think everything is going to be rotten.

Mainly I'm tired. I have been tired ever since I was sick. Really I've been tired since about July, but I did feel a little less tired when I first was back to work. But I've never recovered my energy from the GI bug, probably because as soon as I started to eat I immediately did this.

I'm dreading tomorrow because I know it will be insanely busy. Can't help it, it just will be. Essentially I'm planning on getting to work early, taking 15 minutes for lunch, and working as fast as I can. I have an appt with Dr. Mind, and my manager overbooked me without asking. Then she was mad when I said I had to leave on time. I texted her back at that point that I thought that what I did after 8 hours of work was my own business and that I didn't need to let her know about after-work plans, and besides I've had this same appointment every Monday for months now. The truth is that they're going to be in for a shock here. I'm starting PT and that will mean probably 3 days/week of that and 1 time with Dr. Mind, plus 1 time per month with Dr. Brain. I'll be doing less overtime. Physically it's just not possible. And it's not my fault they don't have anyone to do back-up. I'm willing to work over when I can, but for the next while I'm just not able to do as much.

I'm just so tired of all I write about, all I think about, all I do is work and deal with phsyical issues. I have much more to write about the psych stay. It's just no longer able to be the topic I can focus on.

By the way, since most of you haven't been around too long, this is how I am from December 1 through mid-January. Not usually this sick/hurt, but I struggle this time of year and whininess accompanies it. The truth is that I'm struggling with depression, which goes hand in hand with the holidays, and everything else is adding to it this year. The depression has been getting better, but now that I feel stuck and that my body is attacking me my patience with it is getting slim, and the depression gets worse. I'm back to crying and having other symptoms. We'll get through it, we always do, but this may not be your favorite blog and it might be the most frustrating to listen to for a bit.

Always have a back-up plan

2009-12-20T09:17:00.003-05:00

I think that phrase may be my number 1 lesson for 2009. In fact I'm pretty certain it is.

I'm sitting here elevating my ankle, again. Yesterday it actually felt decent, and that is because I was off it all day with it elevated 99% of the time. Today is different......

I need to go to my mom's and a store or two. So I had to shovel a path to the car, get the snow off, and re-arrange things in the trunk to make space to haul Christmas gifts. I put the immobilizer on my ankle and a pair of tight boots and I did it. But it was unpleasant and stupid for me to try. Yet I don't have other options really.

I've got to find someone to do jobs like this when I can't..........

Ouch and Randomness

2009-12-18T22:25:00.003-05:00

The walker thing is nice, but it also allows me to move more. Which is the goal. Plus I was told to start walking around home without support. Which I did last night.

I didn't honestly think about how much exercise that ankle got yesterday before I worked on walking at home some, and so I woke up aching. The morning is always worst, but today the ankle has hurt all day long, without stopping. And nearly every time it flexes it pops. Loudly and painfully. The PT I work with said that is probably the damaged ligaments rubbing over something and that I've overdone it and need to rest it more. Based on the pain I'm a little concerned that I have a small fracture in one of the bones that is just before your toe starts. But the xray was negative. Thanks to not being able to sit down much at work this is going to be an issue. I'm suddenly realizing that this boot may be part of my work life longer than I want to think, that I may be walking in a shoe outside of work for a while before I'm working with 2 shoes. Then after work I needed to run errands. I couldn't handle all of them, and I wound up using my crutch for the last two, but oh it hurt.

If anyone has used an aircast before, I'm totally confused about how much air to put in. If I put in what feels comfortable, as soon as I change positions it starts feeling like it is pushing the swelling in and hurts. Then I let air out and it's not supportive enough. I know how to use air hand splints, but this is different.

For now I'm sitting with some ice packs, and then I'll be using the immobilizer at least tonight and maybe tomorrow if it still is really sore.

I also accepted today that I am going to be in PT longer than I want. I'd hoped to make it a couple weeks and out, but I'll be surprised if I'm totally unbraced by anything at all in 2 weeks. I don't know if I'll graduate to a different brace, but for now I'm a long way from a work day without support. I was so shocked at how much it hurt today; it hasn't hurt this bad since last Friday.

Hopefully tomorrow I can keep it up and comfortable. I'm resting tomorrow. I want to cut out a pattern that I don't think is hard to cut, and that's about it. Sunday I'm going to go to my mom's and hopefully the grocery.

Signs of the times with the economy? (I live in one of the hardest hit states. When I was unemployed I was one of something like 12% of the population). In this county we have one small mall. It has one tiny version of Borders. That store is going out of business, like much of the rest of the mall. Which means that if you want a book and don't want to order online and it isn't one the grocery or Walmart carry you have to drive an hour to the city. And that's happening as our libraries are being shut down by budget cuts. I'm kind of horrified.

There was a recent story posted listing the top recession-proof jobs. Nursing was first, followed by several seasonal positions and then OT. I'm so thankful that I stumbled into something like this. Otherwise I'm sure I'd still be looking for work and trying to live on whatever tiny amount I got per week on unemployment.

Not a lot else to say. I'm fantasizing about repainting my bedroom, which I want to do this summer. I actually want to re-paint the kitchen, hall, bathroom (which is itty bitty and takes like 30 minutes) and my bedroom this summer. When I bought this house I wanted my room to be a soft peach. That is not the color it wound up. I don't know what color I'm going to go with. Very pale green? Pale blue? I like watercolory colors. I'm not a big pink person but I can see a very pale pink and accents from Target's shabby chic line, which I like. Any suggestions? The bathroom is going to be a light lavendar (already have accessories), the kitchen off-white with multi-color accents (I have a cat collection and will frame cat pictures for the walls). The office and living room are both a greenish-blue that I love. The other room will be grey soon with some calming colors added. The house is a small ranch, so the colors need the flow (another reason I hate the peach. For some reason that I think involved what color I had dark enough to cover the ugly paint that was on the hall when I bought the house it was painted peach as well. It is not a good seque into the green/blue areas.

I won

2009-12-17T21:47:00.003-05:00

After a very long and agonizing wait at the dr's office (and after spending $7 faxing the dr, the nurse and the idiot who did this) it turns out that she noticed i had a balance, not that I had been making steady payments, and somehow something I can prove I paid 9/5/09 never was credited as paid. They would not apologize or accept responsibility, but I know my dr. was frustrated with them.

My ankle is badly sprained. Which I knew when it happened. I have partial tears of several ligaments and some damage to my achilles tendon. All my worry about being told to just walk on it was for naught; I have a rocker boot now and it's perfect. All kinds of support and freedom to move some and walk more normally. I feel like a duck, (see picture), but it helps a lot.

I start PT Wednesday. Hopefully I'll be a better patient than last time I had PT, when I quit rather rapidly. This time though I know I have to so I don't hurt it worse and that will help.

I also did something big for me. I have tested positive for blood in varying amounts in my urine in every test I've had for at least 15 years. I've had some tests and know I have a thing on my kidney that dumps blood, but my doctor has wanted me to have a cystoscopy to see the inside of my bladder for years. I have refused because to do the test involves the camera going into the urethra and emotionally I can't do that. But since I was so dehydrated and the blood was really bad I've had more, and I know I have to do this. So I told him that if he finds me a doctor who will do it in an OR with twilight sedation and a hefty dose of Versed (med that makes you forget), and they promise me I will know nothing and remember nothing, I'll do it in a few months. So he's working on it, and I'm going to start getting used to the idea because he sounded pretty sure he can get the doctor to do it. They'll deal with specific, not yet stated, med requests then. I want to be pretty out of it before I even undress and I want to be sedated before entering the procedure room enough that I won't remember any of it. I want to remember coming to the hospital and leaving and that is it. There are limits to what I can tolerate and this test pushes them.

Anyway, last night was awful but today I'm much better. Exhausted since I left home at 7 to send faxes and after not getting to work until late because I had the appt then had to get fitted for the walker boot, but only one more day this week.

This fury has no bounds

2009-12-16T22:48:00.003-05:00

I am so angry still. I have written faxes to the billing person, Dr. Body, and Dr. Body's nurse. I will send them as soon as I have a place to send from. I have left a complaint with patient advocacy. I have left a message with billing. I will keep complaining to until someone does something.

I wrote down all the things I've paid them, when i talked to them and was told I was up to date, and all that my insurance has paid. I wrote down a few co-pays that might need paid but for which I have not received a single statement. Those all go to evil billing lady.

I have not had a medical statement since I paid the last one 12/9. I've checked my mail daily.

And this appointment was made a week ago so there is no excuse to not call yesterday. Or call my cell. Anything. A huge fuss WILL be made. Especially since I'm not getting sleepy because I'm upset and I've not eaten because I'm upset.

I just can't believe I have to fight for something so stupid.

The straw that broke the camel's back

2009-12-16T20:24:00.003-05:00

I've been doing ok consdiering. Still feeling depressed but getting better, better enough to reduce Dr. Mind visits and to even want to do things sometimes. I've handled things that are stressful at work fairly well, and I've handled overtime I didn't want that has been tiring when I'm already so tired.

I've tried so hard to not get too focused on how many really hard things have happened in the last 4 months. July 17 I was fired. I spent the first week of August waiting for clearance that should have taken days but took a week to come through. I also spent August learning that my antidepressant was nearing the end, and September accepting that fact, while adjusting to a new job, with new stressors and somethings that bug me, like 2 hours I was told I'd be paid for that I never was. I spent October getting more and more depressed as I came off the med. I then spent 9 days in the psych unit, came home and continued to deal with horrible anxiety for weeks. I went back to work still feeling bad enough to be on huge doses of anxiety meds along with huge doses of antipsychotic and the other stuff. I made it 2 weeks and got very sick. I then wound up in the ER twice in one night, missed 2 days of work, had to work a Saturday plus drive 2 hours to see Dr. Brain, and didn't eat right for 2 weeks. I finally got hungry one week ago, and 24 hours later hurt my ankle. After fighting with that all week, and trust me it is NOT easy to be a therapist on crutches (and I have a 1/4 mile walk each day along with the rest), or that can't handle all the weight in the world on your leg. Then I had the weird experience with Vicodin. I had a follow-up with the dr. for my ankle for tomorrow, which I'm very nervous about because I don't know what happens next as it's not healed enough to be back to normal activity with no brace, but with a brace I'm going to get weaker, not better.

And tonight I got home at 8 pm to find a message left on my home phone (the dr's office has my cell and uses it plenty) that if I didn't call by 5 pm about a billing issue I wouldn't be allowed to see the dr tomorrow. How am I supposed to get that message in 3 hours? And the billing issue I'm nearly positive is one I've already talked to them about twice in the last few weeks; they didn't submit a bill to the right insurance and they've been told to do so twice. I have paid them a lot of bills in the last few weeks and was told that was it. I will pay the stupid thing if it lets me get my ankle checked, but that's not fair.

My appt is at 9:15. I will be going, and I will call at 9 sharp and demand to have this resolved. If they won't listen I'll be faxing the dr. and the nurse and anyone else who will listen. I will show up and refuse to leave if I have to. I can't help they don't listen to my "re-bill this" and I have paid them the co-pays I did owe and can prove it. If they'd called a day ago I wouldn't be mad, at least not this mad, but this is totally unfair and totally against what I need for my health. My ankle needs treatment. If it stays immobilized it will get weaker and not heal. If it comes out of the splint it will get hurt again because it is far too weak.

I'm furious. I am also falling apart. I cannot be strong anymore. I have tried and tried and tried and nothing works out. Ever. I'm so tired of not feeling good, and this just really triggered the depression badly again. And because of hte appt for my ankle I cancelled with Dr. Mind tomorrow. You know, because I'm doing so well. Well, all the stress just hit me and I feel very depressed suddenly. I just want to curl up and quit. Everything. That's not suicidal talking, that's just so very, very tired of nothing going right.

I can't even fax up to the dr's office because there is nowhere to fax near here that is open. I'd have to go back to the city. Which would screw up my meds. I tried to call to leave a message but they'll only page the dr for emergencies or cancel appointments. Since mine is apparently cancelled that does not do any good.

I'm never gong to get better. From anything. Obviously this is just going to go on forever.

Christmas without tears

2009-12-15T21:12:00.002-05:00

As of 10 minutes ago I have all Christmas presents wrapped, bagged according to family they go to (so they can be evenly distributed around the tree and we won't have trouble finding a gift for any one person at any time), and ready to lug to my car Saturday (the hard part). The only thing left is to stick my sister's gift card for her birthday in a thing when it arrives and put a bra I got my my mom at the same time I got my sister's gift card in a box where I can stick it so she'll open it privately. (I got my sister a bra gift card as she will have needs soon).

And I'm getting sleepy, and well, today I laughed hard, and really laughed, for the first time in a long time. No sadness, just laughter. And if I can feel better at this time of year, in another month when my birthday is over (it's a very hard day for me) I will be much better.

This may have an end. (or Dr. Mind has brainwashed me)

Nothing profound

2009-12-15T06:13:00.002-05:00

Still letting my ankle heal. That doesn't lead to much excitement. Unless you like watching the bruising move around, which is not pretty.

I think I'm back to weekly visits with Dr. Mind. I'm also done with the great suicide watch of 2009. Both of these are good things.

Otherwise, just so very tired. Even though I slept all weekend I don't think it was restful sleep as I'm still so very tired. I need to do so many things and yet I just want to sleep. Which I suppose is just how "Christmas" is defined.

Just not a lot to say. I have lots to say really, just not time to organize my thoughts.

If you are ever in need of amazement

2009-12-13T19:21:00.002-05:00

Every Sunday my niece/nephew turns another week old. Each Sunday I read about what is happening during the upcoming week. At this point I can apparently easily start to find ultrasounds.

This baby is 9 weeks old. And it is amazing. I highly recommend doing this for a 40 week period, just to be reminded how incredible we are.

That never happened before

2009-12-13T17:15:00.004-05:00

So I just talked to my mom on the phone. And found out it is Sunday. I slept from 9:30 Friday night until 10 AM Sunday, spent all day today thinking it was Saturday and am now very confused. And very behind since I like to have all laundry done and be ironing at this point on Sunday, if not earlier and my work clothes are just now in the washer.

I guess when I promised Dr. Mind that I would rest all weekend I meant it more than I knew.....

Also explains the huge improvement in my ankle in "just one day". It still hurts and I may still need a crutch some tomorrow, but it is a lot better. Of course. Because I stayed totally off it and kept it elevated for 2 solid days.

Oh.

I can't make sense

2009-12-13T14:17:00.004-05:00

You'll notice the marked decrease in posts this weekend. As of now toojust not able to make a post make sense. The Vicodin helps the pain, but I'm groggy and it doesn't take it totally away. I was still awake much of last night, and not only awake but confused. I did things like take the battery out of my clock and unplug it rather than just turn the alarm switch off, and I think I took 2 doses of Vicodin very close together out of confusion about what time it was. Which is probably why I feel odd this afternoon still.

Otherwise? My ankle hurts. I finally got the nerve up to look at it and no wonder, it's pretty ugly. I just took a shower, which was difficult and hurt. I can walk short distances now without crutches as long as I wear shoes. My patch from yesterday disappeared.

I'm having trouble not stewing over input I got yesterday from my supervisor that I don't agree with. She's criticizing the way I've done things for the whole time I've done this, and it's a way that works for me and has always seemed to work for my patients. At this point I plan to just let it go for a couple weeks then she'll be on maternity leave and then not the manager anymore if I'm even still there when she returns, and to remember that she has a habit of trying to tell people how to do things when she's not even qualified to do them (she's a PT assistant with no trouble telling me how to do OT; I ignore that a lot). But yesterday just wasn't the best day to hear criticism, especially by the time she got around to it. I'd been in serious pain for 24 hours by then (no Vicodin until like 9 pm last night), and this could have waited. But she's been kind of grouchy herself, which makes sense since she's as pregnant as someone can possibly be, and she lacks tact at her best. Plus she tends to get mad about things like me getting sick or spraining my ankle. And I'm in no place to listen to her well since I'm still furious that she didn't bother to take the 1 minute to fax in my timesheet while I was sick so that I missed a paycheck. Nor did she ever apologize for that.

So anyway, not my best day ever and I can't even begin to really make sense about much.

Meds are the best

2009-12-11T22:09:00.003-05:00

So I got a nice script for vicodin and love Dr. Body more than ever before. Ice is also high on my list of loves.

I made it through the day of therapy without being able to do things. I can walk with the crutches now (a little weight on the heel of my foot), which really helps. And the vicodin is also good. I can also walk a few steps without them, although i'm restricting that to things like to the bathroom at home, except that I have my brace off so I really can't do that. At least for now until the ice is done and I put the thing back on, which I may try to not do tonight. I don't know why I'd need to sleep in it and it's uncomfortable, so I'd much rather not.

It was a long day and I'm getting groggy, but mainly I just wanted to say that it IS possible to do therapy on crutches. I wouldn't recommend it, but I survived. I'm hoping by Monday to just need one. I'll probably take both in case the pain increases through the day, but one would be so much easier.

The biggest issue now is that the only good time I could get for follow-up messes up my schedule with Dr. Mind. But hopefully I can re-schedule, and ultimately walking is more important than stress management.

More tomorrow. Sleeping now.

Very short. Not sweet.

2009-12-10T22:20:00.002-05:00

My string of difficulities continues. I tried to hurry in to see Dr. Mind tonight after being caught in a traffic mess, didn't wait for the dizziness to clear when I stood, stepped on something while dizzy, and fell, with possessions in a 5 foot radius.

This fall was worse than the last one. I skinned a knee pretty badly and sprained my ankle, also badly. I'm in an aircast and on crutches. THAT will make therapy interesting.

I just got home, need to eat and take some meds and sleep. More tomorrow because I did have some interesting thoughts while lying there waiting for my knee to get cleaned up and my ankle splinted.

Intro to December, OT style

2009-12-09T20:25:00.003-05:00

The last 6 weeks of the year always, always are bad in therapy. Lots of sick people, usually lots of broken bones, lots of cardiac issues as snow comes, lots of elective surgery put off for when the weather is bad.

This year is as intense as usual, but my assistant at the place I spend a small part of my time is sick. So the last 2 days have been really, really insanely busy and I'm still trying to manage my life, which means that I still have to buy kitty litter and the like. And so I'm completely exhausted. I'm doing way too much and I'm not sure how to back off.

Everything is stressful. I want Christmas gifts wrapped and out of my house (I don't really wrap, we use re-usable boxes for environmental reasons), and so I've worked on that from time to time. I still don't feel wonderful, and that's stressful. People are stressing me out. I was booked into a slot with Dr. Mind this Monday that was already booked, so I've been without him for a week and that's still a long time.

This is the first time I've even gotten to try to eat whatever I called dinner before 9 pm this week.

I just feel like I don't have time for the things I WANT to do, I'm just existing and doing what has to be done beyond that. It's normal for this time of year, which is also just generally hard for me, but it's worse this year because I'm still fighting depression (more since I got sick and then was off meds and am still working my way back to my seroquel dose and even more because things are going smoothly at work and because I'm having trouble with not letting my frustration with my manager show. She is getting on my nerves constantly and it's mainly because I'm very angry with her because I just overdrafted my bank out thanks to not getting paid last week because she didn't take the 30 seconds to fax my timesheet despite repeated requests from me and my employer.

So that's why I'm quiet. I am likely to be quiet until Saturday, and more quiet than usual until Christmas is over. In general I have a hard time from now until my mid-January birthday thanks to my own set of bad memories, combined with all the stress. Hence the wanting the gift-boxing stuff done NOW.

Anyway, my food is ready and I'm trying real food for the first time in almost 2 weeks, so here goes nothing.

Doctors

2009-12-07T22:15:00.003-05:00

I have about 5 minutes of energy left. I was thinking about a comment from Michal on my post saying Dr. Body is probably about ready to run away. She basically said that he probably just really likes the challenge of me.

The funny thing about doctors is that you'd think that would be true. Yet I struggle hard to find doctors who are willing to accept me as I am: mentally ill, in control, very aware of my situation, very unwilling to be pushed around. On the other hand, the doctors I do have care very much for me and go out of their way to help.

When I was getting ready to go to the hospital Dr. Mind said something about my being a special patient to Dr. Brain. I said something about well, we spend a lot of time together and have for years. He started to say more about my being someone she really cares for and invests in, then stopped himself. Probably he realizes knowing this freaks me out a little. He's the same though. He makes sure I'm ok, going above and beyond as well. It took a long time to feel close to him. I trusted him, but I didn't feel like "hey, I'm a special patient". I do now. I've learned that he cares deeply, but also that he knows me extremely well. At this point, nearly 4 years after we met, he can look at me and tell me I'm tired; he can hear me talk for 3 minutes and know I'm badly depressed; he can tell when I feel crappy and try to cover. I was very cautious about letting this relationship get more than totally professional because the last time that didn't work out so well, but this works. We keep a barrier but I also am not "just a patient" and I know it. And Dr. Body......well, I was one of his very first patients ever. That matters. But he is so respectful of my crazy needs and limits and rules about proving meds are safe before I take them. I'm realizing I'm so comfortable with him that I'm probably going to have him do my gynecological care from now on. That's a way off before I have to decide, but I realized that I trust him so much, so why struggle with someone new just because he is male? I'm also realizing I can trust him to help in weird ways. I need a test done called a cystoscopy. Essentially it is a camera into the bladder to find out if my bladder is ok or if something adds to the blood in my urine. After the urine I produced for days after the dehydration I'm willing to admit I have to do this. There were huge clots in there for days, and it reminded me of what I see in catheter bags of very, very, very sick people. Something clearly is wrong there. But the cystoscopy is something I've refused because it involves things my sexually abused self can't handle. Finally I realized that I not only need to do this, I have a way: I need to be honest with Dr. Body and tell him I need this done by a female and I need it done with enough anesthesia and a med to make me not remember it. It's normally an office test I believe, but that won't happen for me, and I do need it. That urine was scary. I won't be doing it for a bit, first I have to recover from this, and then I have to see what happens with my insurance. If I stay a traveler it will be one thing, and if I take a permanent position it will be another.

And I'm falling asleep sitting up, so good night.

No wonder I'm frustrated

2009-12-07T22:03:00.003-05:00

I'd hoped suicide watch 2009 was over, but yesterday when I was sick AGAIN I started not wanting to continue life if this is life. Meaning my threshhold for patience is down. A lot. And I'll have to tell Dr. Mind so, buying myself about a month more of that fun.

I am not growing nasties in my intestines. That's the good news. I got 2 more meds, one just a variation of something I was taking last week, the other one for diarrhea that I have to remember to take 3 times per day. I'm still nauseous if I eat anything not bland.

On the other hand, I am wonderfully, truly, totally done with every single little Christmas gift. I have to wrap, and two things are still on order and I have to make one internet order after I get paid, plus I have to get my sister's birthday gift card (just before Christmas), but otherwise, I am done.

Hopefully I'll actually feel like my posts I want to write soon. For now, it's time to sleep.

Don't Wanna

2009-12-07T06:35:00.003-05:00

I am so unbelievably tired still today. I need 2 day weekends. Really, really need them in fact.
I'm hoping today goes fast so I can get to the 2 stores I need to get to to finish my Christmas shopping. I feel pressured to do that. I have no idea why, but I'm not arguing with myself. I'm sure it is related to wanting to avoid crowds at all costs.

On the other hand, I'm tired partly because the evil nightmare bug is still present. That food I ate yesterday was nice, but I'm back to a bland, mainly liquid diet and will have to contact t he dr. today. Again. That doctor will be re-thinking his extra supportive of me policy and wishing he didn't tell me he was going to be changing practices but how to find him. He's going to want to run.

Oh so much better

2009-12-06T19:00:00.003-05:00

First, I've eaten solid food twice today. I didn't necessarily love it, but after 10 days it's rather nice to chew.

Second, I got the best sleep. I woke up as usual at 6, and that just wasn't enough rest. I took some valium and got another 6 or 7 hours of sleep, and I'll be ready to go to bed early. Which I desperately need. I need to run one load of laundry, do a little handwash, and iron for the week, but otherwise tonight is sleep night.

Not a very exciting blog the last few days. Recovery from this bug is kicking my butt. And it's my busiest time of the year.

I emailed my company to ask about what the process is if I want to seek permanent employment with my current contract. I'm not positive I do, but I want to think seriously about it. I love this traveling thing, but I also need a job with sick days. The stress of missing 2 days sick this week was unbearable, and the shorter paycheck also stinks. And then all I could think while I was waiting to find out if I was going to have to go through another antidepressant change was that I had no possible way to afford more time off. Even just with the 2 days I missed I was warned that missing too much would cancel my insurance. That's just not good. I have a chronic illness and there will be times I'm sick. Feeling constantly like I will lose my insurance/my job if I get sick frightens me too much.

I suppose that I really should get my laundry in. I have so much more to say; I want to write about Dr. Brain's reaction to some of my hospital experience, and I have some more things I want to write about regarding the experience, things I wish I'd known ahead of time and want to remember for next time.

Best news though so far: No real reaction to patches except some redness and one bump that itches a little. And that has to do with the patch curling up (I think that results in a double dose at that spot). I'm keeping a log of what is patched when, and trying to make each patch as far away on my body from the last several as I can. So far this is helping, a lot. I think the time off of them actually let my body heal enough that this works, so I guess that wasn't all bad, just scary.

More later if I wake up more. If not, going to bed in 45 minutes or so. Either way, later.

Can't believe I didn't this; I dod everything else here

2009-12-06T06:21:00.004-05:00

Please forgive typos. My cat is aggressively sitting with her butt on the touchpad and won't move. So I can't have total control here.

So Friday two big things happened. One good, one made me very angry.

The good? Started weird. I got a letter from my mortgage company talking about my difficulties I'd told them I was having. Except I hadn't said such a thing ever. So I called to clear that up, and one of the hold options talked about having automatic weekly payments. I get paid weekly and that way cuts a lot of time and money off the debt. So I got that set up, and if I follow that plan my house will be paid of 4 1/2 years earlier with a $13000 savings, and if I add just $20 extra per month it will be 5 years soon with more savings. So now I'm excited about paying off my mortgage.

I've been crazily financially planning lately anyway. In the spring I am going to have to get a new patio door and replace the flooring. I'm pretty sure this will mean flooring and underflooring, as water had come in under my current patio door and it looks damaged. So that's a big expense. I also eventually, like within a year, want to reface my cabinets and add another one. Again, big expense, but really needs done and will drive me nuts until it is done, because one I get the new flooring down the cabinets will not match because I'm going with a wood laminate of some kind. So I have a special savings account for that, and another to accumulate money to pay my mom back money I owe her. I also having regular savings and soon need to start a retirement account. And I signed up for a plan to pay off my one credit card in a certain amount of time with automatic deductions (that I can reduce if I can't afford that much some month). So all this is good and makes me feel very goal oriented.

The bad? Well, this is more the anger provoking. When I was off I needed my time sheet sent in. I asked the manager to do it. She didn't send it on time, even after a call from my company, so I won't be paid until next week. I am not happy....

Well, so much for tomorrow

2009-12-05T22:40:00.002-05:00

Michal wins the prize in her comment that I'm exhausted. I'm dead sitting up.

Yesterday I didn't get home from work until 9:30, for the 4th day in a row or so. (I think maybe 9 once, but still. LATE).

Today I got up at my usual 6, went to work from 8-10:30, drove another hour to see Dr. Brain, was there 2 hours, drove back to work and worked until 6:30. I then had to go to Sam's Club. Had because I'm running out of the food I will/can eat and needed ingredients. Plus I needed cleaners after last week and I need them because I have more to disinfect yet. Then I was already so tired that I decided to try to finish a couple more errands while at least it was late enough to cut down on crowds. I needed smaller underwear and had to return a blouse that fell apart, so I went to Kohls. Kohls no longer sells the underwear that I've preferred for a very long time. (I'm a very very brand loyal woman). So finally I got some and then realized I might as well try to do my last 2 Christmas errands. Both stores were closed, so I'm doing it online even though one will have some expensive shipping, relatively anyway, and the other will take some guesswork on color. But I am not going back in stores.

So tomorrow I'd planned to get blood drawn and then visit my mom. Instead I'll be spending the day pretty much right where I am now, perched in bed, reading or napping. I still have so few foods I can eat and it zaps my energy anyway. I hoped I was done with Zofran but had to take one today midday.

Dr. Brain found more patch sites for me. Thank God. I was so glad to see her. I haven't gone more than 5 weeks without seeing her in the last 7 years, and even less time between communication. I hadn't seen her since 9/26 and had only emailed a couple times and then talked to her on the phone once earlier this week.

And now it's time to eat something and sleep, as my head is literally swimming.