Plight of the Living Dead

"I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch."

2009-09-13T20:18:00.001-04:00

A crooked house.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

Today is a very strange mix of a really great day and a really crushingly sad day.

I woke up in my new (free) grown up bed. New clean sheets and a softer than soft mattress topper to make it excessively comfortable. I had two purring cats lounging completely across me. The early morning sunlight was just starting to permeate my room. Quiet house. Quiet Sunday morning. I had tea. Listening to music turned down so low I almost strained to hear the trumpets and piano notes over the birds outside. Pure, uninterrupted, solitary happiness.

I went on usual Sunday-adventures with Michael. Fleamarkets. Coffee. Art store. Music. Driving w/ the windows down and my feet on the dashboard. He went home and I spent my early evening drawing and listening to music in my room/watching movies on the roku in my underwear.

As I was sitting here though I felt something wash over me. Just a sadness, plain and simple. That sort of melancholy that grows when you know that you have to tell someone that you can't see them again. That you can't be their friend. What a terrible sickening fucking feeling. I don't know how anyone can say those things to another person they care even a little bit about and not feel like shit.

The last 3+ weeks have been a tug of war inside my head and my heart. I was doing my best to not allow any sort of sadness take over my day to day life by staying busy, being social, and drawing with every single spare moment I had. I couldn't allow myself to slow down too much. Just like with any other sort of emotional repression the moment you allow yourself to breathe it comes flooding back and crushes you under the waves of emotion you lied to yourself about.

Today was that day. I sat here in my computer chair with Tibby curled up in my lap reading a poem and sobbing. If I wasn't so stoic in front of other people, I might have tried to talk to someone or asked a friend to come over. It's not the sort of thing I have ever done though.

I just don't want to end up bitter over all of this. I don't want to allow this to make me callous or mean, but at the same time I don't feel anything even remotely like the desire to let another living human being close to me that way again for quite some time.

I feel drained and deflated. I feel standoffish and closed up tight. I feel quiet as a tomb. Only slightly worried that I also feel relieved.

"You had a way so familiar but I could not recognize because you had blood on your face and I had blood in my eyes. But, I could swear by your expression that the pain down in your soul was the same as the pain down in mine."

YEA!

2009-08-11T01:31:00.001-04:00

YEA!
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

Truth be told, I'm a little surprised that I'm as happy as I am right now. But, then I started thinking about why I'm as happy as I am, and I'm not surprised at all.

I'm sitting in my room and the windows are open wide.
I've got the fans turned on, so the cool post summer-storm air is being pulled in to keep me happy.
I've got low jazz/soul/blues music playing at 1am, nothing but underwear on, and art supplies and the two books I'm reading spread out across the floor.
My two cats are lounging here going back and forth between staring at the ceiling fan and pestering one another.
My roommate is asleep on the couch, having passed out watching the Discovery channel. Sunburnt and just back from the beach. For once I'm glad my roommate is home.
My laundry is washed.
The dishes are done.
I just came in from standing outside on my front porch almost naked in the cool wet night air just taking it all in on my silent neighborhood street from up above.
I feel so unstoppably creative.
I've been going on hikes, putting my feet in water, and looking at things.
I've been ANSWERING my phone as well as MAKING phone calls to people I love. (I know, can you even believe it? If you want a call or to call me, let me know.)
Michael and I are really truly planning a road trip/adventure weekend for this fall where we drive across the state and stay in some silly bed and breakfast and look at leaves and just have fun with no worries.
I've got a completely packed week that looks like this...
Sunday: Michael and I went swimming at my father's house. Benjamin came over to tell me a bedtime story as i was falling asleep.
Monday: Michael and I sat around my room and watched The Office while making road trip plans.
Tuesday: Errands, hanging out with one of my only friends from high school, Eric, coffee with Amy
Wednesday: Working in Indiana, going to see SpookyCorey and hanging out with Coli
Thursday: PAIGE! Also tentative hang out plans with Chuck and Julie.
Friday: Free and clear (Sarah? Talon? Mike? Drinks?)
Saturday: Benjamin and Daisher's band is playing a show!
Sunday: Brunch with Momma, hang out with Chris, for a few hours, maybe Kennywood with Michael!
PACKED!
I've been reminded time and again of the people who love me and how much I am lucky to have them in my life. My support network is unbelievable. I don't know what I'd do without my friends.

In short, I am lucky beyond words. I could not ask for better friends. I am surrounded by amazing, fun, interesting, dangerously intelligent, caring people. People who stay the night when I'm sad, and make me breakfast so I don't go to work hungry. People who have my back anytime I need it and offer face punching as readily as hugs. People who make sure to make me laugh when I'm down. People who sit over coffee and giggle and talk completely inappropriately with me. People who hold my hand without hesitation and say those words aloud, "I love you." People who write out equations on my dry erase board around my literary quotes and explain them to me as I fall asleep, turning them into a bedtime story for me. People who make sure there is never a doubt that there is love between us.

I shake off negativity, brush off sadness. But, I make sure I live through every ounce of the feeling. Not wasting a bit of it at all. I experience everything, think it through and push it out through my pores. I sweat out the depression before it has a chance to build up inside of me like clogged arteries. I refuse to accept feeling empty when I am so lucky to have the life I do.

"I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything..."

Fuck yea!.

Sleep tight.

2009-07-23T03:07:00.001-04:00

Ghost bike.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

I. Can't. Sleep.

Do I find myself surprised by this?? Not at all. Several reasons. 1. I was sleeping pretty well for a while. This can only mean one thing, it won't ever last. Anytime I start getting an adequate amount of sleep, my body just revolts. 2. It's summer time. Even though it's been an extraordinarily mild one, summer still means long long long nights awake. Insomnia had been prevalent at the start of the summer, but then I staved the beast off. Lo and behold, its mid-July and I am wide wide awake at almost 3am. 3. Throughout the day today I had 1 cup of coffee (unusual for me), 1 maxx 5 hr energy, AND a super b complex vitamin (admittedly on accident, I forgot after lunch since I'm so used to taking them everyday).

Here I sit, breathing in the cool wet air through my windows and the incense burning across the room. The cats are lazing about on the floor, looking up every time I move or the song changes. It seems they're just as restless. Every now and then one of them comes over to stand on their hind legs and gently paw at my elbow.

Strangely, I'm not distraught by this lack of sleep. I don't get worked up about it. I just don't sleep. I stay up, I read books, I clean the house, I listen to soul/jazz music, I sketch/sew/paint, I watch documentaries, I pet the cats, I take long showers, I go for walks, I do photo shoots, and I look out the window.

Night time seems to go on forever and, honestly, that doesn't really bother me.

A New New Life.

2009-05-31T09:49:00.002-04:00

Eldorado
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

I have a confession to make... I've started another blog. While this blog is all well and good for the day to day, and I swear at some point I'll start posting with some sort of regularity again, I needed a place a little more private for my some of my thoughts.

It is connected to this blog, but kept private by invitation only. If someone who happens to read this finds themselves interested in reading Clandestine Theory as well please just email me. Not everyone who asks will be invited but you'll never know until you do. nixsidhe at gmail dot com

So, with that being said what can I update about here? A lot of things have been changing lately. Joshua is finally moving out in June/beginning of July. Thank god. A nice and short way of saying this is that I am done with the drama that he and his new girlfriend bring to this house. (Which is funny since I've never even met her, but somehow she's bringing drama into my house.) I'm having a new roommate move in too, his name is Jonathan and he is fantastic. I'm very excited to be able to stay here in my lovely house, with my babycat Jarvis, and work at a job that I love.

I do have to say though, that I am going to continuously look for a job in Pittsburgh and eventually move there. I don't want to drive a car and I want to live in a city where I can bus it and use a bike to get around.

Other than that I've been running about playing with my friends. Hanging out. Drinking gin and tonics out of a water bottle. Procuring a "new" vintage bike. Sewing. Sketching. Sit out on my porch. Trying my best to love ever y single moment of my life and being single.

Life is good, but life will be better in about one month.

Those little slices of death...

2009-05-14T03:20:00.001-04:00

Black and White.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

Really, it's nothing new that I am finding it hard to sleep tonight. For the last 6 months I have been keeping to a fairly regular sleep pattern, if you can call it that. Most nights of the week I sleep between 0 - 4 hours. Most days I find myself tired between the hours of 10am - 2pm. I. Do. Not. Nap. Ever.. It's a cool breezy Wednesday night/Thursday morning. The sky is still inky black, but the morning and work is a storm cloud of impending doom just on the horizon.

Every now and then I get extremely lucky and I'll sleep more than 4 hours. Take for instance my trip to San Diego, one afternoon I fell asleep and slept for 13 hours. Here and there I will go to sleep and wake up 6 hours later feeling decadent. It's a true luxury to sleep that long anymore. The only way I can describe this whole thing is that I am often "tired," but I am never "sleepy." Does that make sense?

I'm really not concerned about this. When I was sleeping all the time because I was depressed, I felt like shit constantly. I was groggy and always wanting more more more sleep. Now, if I can managed at least one night of 6+ hours I feel ON for the remaining 6 days.

The only things that bother me are the fact that 1. I have to go to work most days so if I do end up sleepy at some point, my work performance suffers and 2. I'm not being nearly as creatively productive as I've been hoping to be.

I'm wide awake, watching bad horror movies, and wishing this bed wasn't empty.

The truth of the matter - titanium clips.

2009-05-07T01:42:00.001-04:00

Serene.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

I wasn't really going to go into more detail about this, but Billy and Hannah's comments today have made me realize that I need to be proud of this choice that I've made. For a year and a half I have been giving very serious thought to the option of having a tubal ligation done. What does that mean? I'm having my tubes tied.

Yes, I know this is irreversible. Yes, I know this is a huge decision and I am "so young." Here's the thing... I've been thinking about this for a long time now. I have been saying since I was probably 10, that I don't want children. I was never the type to want to carry around baby dolls and play "Mommy." I also never planned my "dream wedding" or some bullshit.

If I ever do decide that I'd like to parent something and having a cat just isn't cutting it, I'll adopt. There are so many abandoned children out there who need people to care for them that I can't fathom birthing another one. (I can't fathom BIRTHING anything... yuck.)

So, tomorrow afternoon I am going to the hospital and having the procedure done. What do I need right now? Support, love, hugs, ice cream, and more support/hugs. By this time tomorrow I will be a different person. I am excited. I am responsible. I am so very ready.

Thank you to everyone who is supporting me in this decision.

The cellar door is an open throat.

2009-02-24T10:20:00.001-05:00

Thick.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

I haven't updated this blog in a while. It's most certainly not for lack of things happening in my life though. I wonder if i'm even able to do a quick run through of events...

1. Joshua and I aren't seeing one another anymore. It wasn't dramatic or even bad. We're best friends. We still do laundry together, eat dinner, watch movies, etc. We just want different things. We both tried but we know this is for the best.

2. I've been going to Pittsburgh about once a week at least. Dancing. Shows. Hanging out for the weekend. I've even been driving there, which is a little crazy considering how much I hate to drive.

3. I've been hanging out with people on a regular basis. New people. Old friends. Strangers.

4. I've been working out constantly. I've been feeling so much healthier and I'm losing weight. I love going to the gym.

5. My ridiculous impromptu birthday vacation is in 22 days. I will be landing in San Diego in less than a month. Sun, warmth, birthday fun. Holy crap. I am so excited.

6. A phrase you'll hear a lot more from me now, "I'm done with this shit." This can pertain to a situation, a feeling, a person. I'm at a point once again in my life where I'm not accepting anything less than the absolute best from anything or anyone. It may paint me as impatient or a bitch, but I just can't waste anymore time being a doormat.

I'm excited and anxious. i'm alive and when I looked in the mirror the other day, I saw myself again for the first time in years. I saw myself.

Cocoon.

2009-02-01T21:28:00.001-05:00

I can smile.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

At the end of November I told myself that I was going to have to make some life changes. I knew that I couldn't just keep doing things the way that I was and ever grow as a person. Those are some huge words as a part of a big decision in my life. I really felt as if I had hit the bottom and I had two options, I could change things or I could just give up and die.

I know it sounds dramatic, but it really wasn't. It was sort of slow and drawn out. Calm even, which I think scared me even more.

What did I need to change?
- No more bending over backward for people and never getting what I want from the situation. (I didn't let this happen a lot, but I have repeat offenders in my life and I take full blame for this happening. It wouldn't have been an issue if I hadn't been allowing it to happen.)

- No more waiting. Being patient is great but making excuses to sit by and wait for life to bring something to me was/is unacceptable. When I look at the person I have become in the last 4 years it blows my mind. I went from the fierce assertive woman who went after what she wanted all the time to a house pet who sits idly by as life just seeps away.

- I can no longer allow my body to fade away. I don't even see ME when I look in the mirror. I really truly know the meaning of "letting yourself go." I did just that. I just stopped existing in my own body. I've gained weight, I've almost completely stopped being active, and I just stopped caring. I wasn't the person I love anymore. It's probably the most depressing part of all of this, that I could just allow myself to slowly rot away. Now I am working out every single day, eating much much better, and feeling myself wake up again. Working out leaves me feeling physically strong and mentally centered.

- No more hibernation. Alone time is well and good. Every single person needs to learn to be comfortable with themselves and enjoy a little time alone, but no more hiding. That was exactly what I was doing. I was hiding from the people who loved me, and I was hiding from myself.

Those are just a few of the big things. I miss the outspoken, friendly, funny, sexy, strong person I used to be. I hate this frumpy, timid, wishy washy person who took her place. In some ways it's dangerous that I am taking steps to become the person I love once again. She doesn't take shit from anyone, she is aggressive in what she wants, and she is bold. All good qualities as far as I'm concerned, but they did garner me the nickname Evil Nichole for the last 10 years of my life.

I feel amazing right now. I feel empowered and ready. I want to dance all night long again. I want to sing. Motivation has been found. Life is back on it's way to good.

Sick.

2009-01-30T17:12:00.001-05:00

Inked.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

Today is an awful day. I woke up especially groggy, hurried to get the gym, and started in on my 6am workout. About 30 minutes in I started to feel terrible. Nauseous. I am taking antibiotics (which I loathe to begin with) and the side effects are essentially, "You will want to die." Groggy, queasy, headaches, AWESOME. I left the gym out of my mind and basically stumbled through the 19 degree snowing cold carrying 20+ lb gym bag. Sick sick sick. The worst.

I didn't go into work. Instead, I have sat here stewing. Feeling poorly has somehow made me insecure and lonely. That's great and completely irrational. Thank you, antibiotics.

It has left me feeling especially alone and in need of some gentle attention. Unfortunately, thats not going to be in the cards for a while.

I hope that everything feels better tomorrow. Please?

A new life?

2009-01-27T19:33:00.004-05:00

A plane ticket to a new life. By A Softer World.
I don't think I have ever found something more spot on and perfect for a moment in my life. I have done just this very thing. I bought myself a plane ticket to San Diego for my birthday. Completely and unapologetically on a whim. It started out as a trip to see my friend Steve who I love very much. He kept firm to his stance that he may not be there in March. I can understand as I've had my share of uncertain moments. My plans were crushed and I was a little sad at the thought of spending my birthday in the cold in this apartment all alone. Then lo-and-behold I made a new friend. His name is Brian and he's actually from this town that I now reside in. The way it all happened amazed me. It was so strange. Now I can still go to San Diego and I've made a new friend who is into a lot of the same things as I am.

I haven't talked about any of this "publicly" yet, but now is as good a time as any. I am wanting to move away from here. I am going to move away from here. I feel as if I have come to the cusp of what I am able to do here. I don't feel as if I'm growing as a person and that I won't be able to attain my goals or even really seriously realize what they are until I am away from this comfort zone I'm stuck in. This trip is a mini vacation, but it is also to see how I feel about Southern California. I mean, in theory it sounds amazing. All of the activities I want to be a part of. Lots of people. Warm warm warm. The ocean. Right. There. Culture. But, I am realistic and know that I could go there and it could not be a fit for me at all. It's something very very possible. But, I have to go and see. I have to try.

The conversations haven't been easy. The decision itself hasn't been easy. I know though, deep down inside of myself that this is something I have to explore. I have tried my very very hardest to be this place, to be the person who fits this place. But, I'm not her. I'm stifled. My voice is muffled. I am not me. I know that if I do this it will make a lot of people unhappy, it will change the way people see me forever. It is something I have to explore. I have to know. Most of all I have to try.

So, for my 28th birthday I bought myself a plane ticket to a potential new life. I bought myself a plane ticket to exploration and adventure. While it is a potential beginning to a very difficult couple of months, it is something I need to do. I have to figure out who I am and what I want to be. Wish me luck, March seems like forever from now.

Some things you lose, some things you give away.

2009-01-17T07:53:00.001-05:00

Sparkles.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

Well, I was hoping to follow up sooner to that last sad-time post. I've just been either busy or distracted. Between work and life (I'm actually trying to keep social engagements and follow through with my plans! Can you imagine? An end to Hermit-Nichole?) i've been really going going going. I love it. As long as I make sure to keep some time set aside for myself, I'm golden.

The biggest news I can share is that I've booked a flight to San Diego for my birthday vacation. I'll be leaving March 18th and returning on the 22nd. It started out as a trip to see Steve, but he's still uncertain if he'll even be there in March. Instead I'm going to visit a new friend and try to cram in some time to see some CA friends and PA friends who have moved there.

Am I nervous? Sure. I haven't done this in ages. (By "this" I mean flying the entire way across the country to meet someone I don't know from day to day life.) I'm mostly excited though. I had an epiphany just a week ago and now I am doing my best to set things in motion and make some life decisions. I've never big on goals for myself or thinking about the future, but I think now is the time. I've never seen myself as someone to be proactive in this way, but I know now what I have to do.

Cryptic? Maybe. Who cares.

I've found my mind to be a mess, but the silver lining? I've found out (more like been reminded) of the amazing support system I have in my life. Supportive, wonderful, creative, lovely people. I am really truly blessed with the friends I've made in all of my adventures.

I'm going to end this with the lyrics to a Sleater Kinney song that has been haunting my mind lately.

Good Things - Sleater Kinney

got this feeling when i heard your name the other day
couldn't say it, couldn't make it go away
it's a hard place, can't be friends, we can't be enemies
it's just too much, feel the weight crushing down on my face

the hardest part is things already said
getting better, worse, i can not tell
why do good things never wanna stay?
some things you lose, some things you give away

broken pieces, try to make it good again
is it worth it, will it make me sick today
it's a dumb song, but i'll write it anyway
it's an old mistake, but we always make it, why do we

the hardest part is things already said
getting better, worse, i can not tell
why do good things never wanna stay?
some things you lose, some things you give away

this time, it'll be alright
this time, it'll be okay
this time, it'll be alright
this time, it'll be okay

the hardest part is things already said
getting better, worse, i can not tell
why do good things never wanna stay?
some things you lose, some things you give away
some things you lose, some things you give away

Bubbly.

2009-01-12T08:00:00.002-05:00

Bubbly.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

I usually feel pretty open about the things in my life. I don't hide much about myself even though it may seem that way. I suppose I just don't offer up information unless someone seems interested or asks directly. Lately though, I've been thinking of the power of secrets. I've been giving serious consideration to pulling in a little further inside of myself.

As a last hurrah I will share a story that relates very much to the point I am in my life right now. Back in the those first winter months of 2001 I moved back here to Pennsylvania from the south. I was leaving not only warm and sunny weather, but I was also walking away from a (most likely) toxic relationship. I was working a construction job with my father and spending most of my time sitting at the harbor, looking out over the murky sea water and sketching. I was reading books and petting my cat. The thing was I was also dating the quality assurance guy for the company we worked for. His name was Randy and we were terribly mismatched for one another. He was this tall blonde, ruddy faced, Southern, sports fan. A true good ol' boy. He was "saved" and talked openly about his faith, oddly enough this is how the whole thing had started.

Out to lunch one day, him in his typical polo shirt, khakis, and running shoes and me in my work clothes and mud all over me. He talked a lot about Christianity. He also loved TN college sports, so he invited me over to his condo to watch a game. I couldn't possibly care less about the game but I was exceptionally lonely so I took him up on it.

He lived on the beach in a rented condo. It was November and freezing cold back home. I was on the beach in rolledup jeans, a tshirt, and no shoes. Bliss. As we walked back to his place from the ocean I turned to look at him and he said, "You don't make things easy do you?" That was it. No explanation. I think I probably just laughed. Nothing is ever easy, if it seems like it is thats because everything has yet to be revealed.

Now here's why he thought things were difficult. He was married and he was almost 10 years older than me. I was 19 at the time and more of a handful than I am now. We went back to his place and he proceeded to try and talk to me about sports and God, neither of which hold my attention. Sitting on his couch in a rented tacky condo on the Carolina shore he kissed me. That's how it started.

I could feel his nervousness pulsing all through him. I have to admit, while I wasn't unaccustomed to having men kiss me, I was a little taken aback. Mostly because 90% of the time he talked about his faith. It escalated from there. He said things like, "Where were you when I was 19?" (To which I had to reply that I was closer to 9 and that it was completely inappropriate.) "I think that God had meant for us to meet one another." I guess the latter statement made him feel better about what he was doing.

He told me he wanted to be with me. That I made him happy. I was exciting and sexy. He would dress me up and take me out to dinner. I made him do juvenile silly things with me to show him how to relax. When February came and I was supposed to move back here. I asked him if he was going to leave his wife, he told me he couldn't. Then he fucked me in the house where my father and I were staying. My father was at work, where Randy was supposed to be. I still remember the look on his face as he turned to leave. It was a mix between regret, relief, and sadness.

I won't lie, I bawled my eyes out. While it wasn't the first instance of "you're the kind of girl I could be infatuated with but not date" it hurt just as much. as any other.

I came back here and found myself in one of the deepest and scariest runs of depression I had experienced. I felt terrible about the world all together. It was also the first time in years that I had thought I was really truly suicidal. Not over the sordid relationship but more about people and life. I really just wanted to die. Not in any sort of dramatic way, but more of a slow slipping away sort of way. Being too depressed to even go out with a bang.

About two months ago I recognized those feelings coming back. I don't sleep. I don't know where my mind is, but having gone through it once I can recognize it.

What I ask is for people who know me to be patient with me. I feel like I'm sinking, but I realize it. Just hold out for me.

New Years at home.

2009-01-01T01:46:00.001-05:00

New Years at home.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

I rarely talk about when things are awry, they are in such a state now. I decided to spend New Year's Eve at home alone this year. I haven't done that in I don't even know how long. I was always the one hosting the parties or pushing to go out somewhere. I have been really deeply profoundly sad for a while now. I can go through the motions, make a day to day life... but in the end I'm just really sad.

I don't make resolutions. But, I do know that I will not allow this sadness to carry on throughout 2009. I won't make it through if I do. The best way I can put it is that I am unwilling to talk about it, which may not sound healthy but it's the truth. I can't/won't go into too many details.

I am working on it. That's the most I can/will say right now. Please don't be alarmed if my posts are less than chipper and sarcastic. Please don't worry if I don't say anything for a while.

I'm working at it.

A future, just not mine.

2008-12-14T16:36:00.001-05:00

Is he dark enough?
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

Everyday I get two separate horoscopes, plus my card I pull in the morning. Let me show you what I've seen today.

"It's not that anything is particularly wrong; it's just that you might not have the luxury of speaking your mind today. Sharing your concerns could send someone else into an emotional tailspin, which would only make the day more challenging for all involved. Helping others feel more comfortable with what's happening now might be easier than telling them exactly what you think."

Priceless.

"Listen to your dreams tonight -- they have more wisdom than you might know what to do with. It's one of those days where your waking life feels not quite so real. Pinch yourself just to make sure."

I'm not so sure about this.

My card for the day? The Star - Reversed. Arrogance, unfulfilled hope, disappointment, only a partial solution or remedy.

What a strange day. Also, where most of my Sundays seem to go on and on forever, today has literally flown by and it's already evening and I feel as if I've done nothing.

Boo.

Captured.

2008-12-07T20:54:00.001-05:00

Captured.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

I feel crushed today. I woke up in a bad mood. I feel like my heart is made of concrete. I wish someone or something would snap me out of this. Yell at me, tell me how stupid I am. Unfortunately, I don't share a lot of this stuff with people so there isn't anyone to yell at me. It amazes me how much I can feel empty and filled with rocks at the same time. I want to be angry, I really do. I want to be seething mad, but I can't be. I can only be disappointed and lonely.

This is all oblique and weird, I know. I just have a series of interactions that happened almost a lifetime ago that still haunt me. I have a ghost that lives inside of my chest and won't let me sleep. I can not think of it for weeks on end and then something will happen or something will be said and suddenly my mind is sick with it. I'm suddenly a landfill of emotions, a dumping ground for every pissy "Oh, poor me" feeling.

There are a few songs by Damien Rice (which in this situation is a little ironic actually), Elephant/Accidental Babies/Volcano/I Remember, which articulate my emotions perfectly. I just have to make myself forget about it. Let it go. Don't allow it to feed off of my heat anymore. It's been over and done with and a non-issue for so long it's almost ridiculous.

I'm dwelling and moping I know. I just can't help but feel like that one relationship (Can I call it that?) will forever overshadow every single interaction I have.

Part of me wants to wall myself in and never meet another new person every again. Part of me knows that nights of sitting here alone crying aren't over. Missing. Longing. Feeling broken. Wondering if they feel broken. Wondering if they even think of you anymore.

I'm tired of crying.

Working for the weekend.

2008-12-07T00:26:00.001-05:00

1986
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

What a strange weekend thus far. Strange isn't always bad though. I left work early yesterday to go get a sexy new hair cut. I then went out to dinner with my friend D who came into town. She, Chris, Joshua, and I went to Red Star where we proceeded to get wasted on amazing beer and have a huge delicious meal. We met up with Amy at DV8 and then headed back to the Red Star for more brew.

What a great evening. Drinking. Talking. Yelling. Laughing. It felt so great to have someone who means so much to me from the "before" meet the people who mean so much to me now. It was certainly worlds colliding, but in the best way possible.

I turned in early so that I could get up and go to work for a few hours. It went by fast and before I knew it D, Joshua, and I were on the road. We ate at Deans Diner in Blairsville. We drove D out to Williamsport and then started in on our journey home.

Unfortunately on the way home it started to snow like crazy and we missed a turn somewhere and didn't realize it until we saw a sign for a road number we recognized but also fell much more south than we should have been. We almost ended up in West Virginia actually, then we found a road we sort of knew. The remaining hour of driving was at about 25 - 35 mph and in horrible driving conditions.

I came home with high hopes of some stimulating conversation, but instead I'm watching sci-fi television shows on the roku and drinking soda to stay awake.

In short, it has been a strange and incredibly untypical weekend, but not in a bad way. I am here alone, watching the snow fall from my studio. Full of longing and completely anxious.

Hurr Help.

2008-12-04T20:20:00.000-05:00

I need some help. I'm going to get a hair cut tomorrow. I've decided. Now I need help picking which hair cut...

Like this?

With a side of this?

Maybe change the colors up?

Or should I just not dilly dally and go short?

HELP!

Sick.

2008-11-29T23:18:00.001-05:00

Blue Mood.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

So sick. So unbelievably sick. Chest hurts. Coughing. Sniffles. Misery. Hope this ends soon.

Horror in the morning... horror in the evening...

2008-11-16T09:08:00.002-05:00

Vamp.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

I got up nice and early this morning to have some coffee and watch horror movies. I watch a lot of horror movies, this is no exaggeration.

Last night I watched City of Rott at about 1am. I don't know how I missed in the Netflix description that it was an animated film, but I did. In earnest I was both excited and a little disappointed when I started up the DVD. I loved the drawing style of the film. The hordes of shambling undead were gorgeous. The faces were gory and surreal. The main story focuses on an old man wandering about Rott City with his walker. The cause of the undead are worms in all of the water. In the rain. In the sea. In the drinking water. There is some great social commentary and a few shout outs to other great zombie films. My final say? I liked it. Would I buy it? Maybe, if I saw it somewhere for cheap, yeah... I'd pick it up. Not a lot of special features or anything either. Do I recommend it? Only if you're really into the zombie genre of film. If you're a casual horror/zombie watcher just skip it unless you're also into weird comic book animation.

Then this morning I got up and put on The Lost Boys: The Tribe. Here's the thing... I loved the first one. It shaped a lot of my vampire fantasies. I also wanted to be Star and be a sexy vampire concubine so bad. Totally and completely normal, I might add. I had been putting off this one because I had heard such bad things about it. I, unlike a lot of horror fans, am not so hard on remakes/sequels/etc. I figure if someone was so inspired by a film that they want to try and recreate it with their own twist, go for it! Yes, it is sad when people can't come up with something original but everything was inspired by something else. My opinion of the film? It actually wasn't that bad. Yes, it had a lot of glaring similarities. Yes, some of the dialog was ridiculous. Yes, it was a "bad-horror movie." In the end though, I didn't feel as if I had wasted my time, and I really truly do think that the film did the original justice. It was a great modern day The Lost Boys. Would I buy it? Maybe if they offered a two pack of both films on Bluray discs. Would I recommend it? Sure, as long as you're not one of those jackasses that immediately hates any remake just because you want to be a film snob.

I did watch Pulse a few days ago. It's a film from 2006 about some college kids who's friend kills himself and they find out it's over a computer virus. The virus has a life of it's own and starts going after everyone. Apocalypse comes. You have to move to remote wooded areas with no cellphone reception. Typical, but good. Would I buy it, No. It's a rent or catch it on scifi or fearnet. Would I recommend it? Worth a watch if you have nothing else to put on, but don't go out of your way.

I also attempted to watch The Children. It looked like a great classic 70's/early 80s camp horror flick. I'm not going to say it isn't all of those things, I just couldn't get the entire way through it. I'm going to give it a second go today. If at first you can't sit through it, try try again. There has only ever been one horror movie I couldn't sit the entire way through and absolutely WOULD NOT try again, Axe 'Em. It was completely and totally intolerable. Unwatchable. Horrible.

I'm off to try to get through Vacancy. It is from 2007 and has Kate Beckinsale and Luke Wilson in it. It sort of plays off of that old urban legend about the couple who goes back to their honeymoon hotel/motel/b&b to find a "porno" of them. Only this time they just make it straight up horror and the people at the hotel are making snuff films of people who stay in the room. More thriller than horror, but I'll give it a go.

She's uncertain if she likes him, but she knows she really loves him.

2008-11-12T07:51:00.001-05:00

Pals.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

You know, I was rather pleasant and awake yesterday considering I was up at 4am and didn't crawl into bed until 11pm (and not asleep until midnight). I had a really nice/productive day off. The house is clean, we ate well, and I relaxed in the shower with Joshua. You can't really complain about that.

Pulling myself up and out of my big super warm bed this morning was another story. Work is fine, no huge deal... but I would just rather be curled up under layers of blankets. (Who wouldn't?)

I could lay in bed and listen to David Bowie all day... (Oh yeah, that lyric has nothing to do with Joshua.)

I am an Aunt by choice.

2008-11-11T05:42:00.002-05:00

Belly up.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

So, some people feel entitled to tell me that "someday (I'll) want babies." They are not me, but somehow feel that they know me more than I know myself. Let me tell you the prime reason why I will never want children.

I love my sleep./I am selfish.

You may find yourself asking, "What does this have to do with those two adorable kittens?" Let me tell you right now that I am up at 4am writing a blog entry on my day off for the week because if I didn't sit here and occupy my mind with this I'd probably punch a cat across the room right now. Well, not really. I can't even imagine what would have to occur to get me to punch a cat, but it would have to be bad. Like a rabid zombie cat was attacking my cats or Joshua.

I just love the sleep that I get. We go to bed early, and I love that. It makes the nights that we choose to stay up late all that more fun. 90% of the time though, Joshua and I are in bed by 10pm. (Sometimes before.) Last night was no exception, we were in bed and ready for sleep by 10:30pm. It was cold so we had the heating element in the bed turned on. We're snuggling. We're cuddling. Bliss.

Immediately Tibby (the big black cat) gets into bed with us. This is neither usual or unusual really. Although earlier in the evening she had been walking back and forth across the two of us spanning two separate pieces of furniture. So, in the dark... in the bed... Tibby comes creeping.

Have I ever mentioned that she's not a "lay in your lap" type of cat? She's too anxious. She'll lay with you about 4 minutes then get up. Imagine this ON TOP OF YOU... all... night... long... Then add into the equation that where ever Tibby is, Jarvis is sure to follow. Unlike Tibby though, he will just run and jump onto you. Over and over and over. Then to put the icing on the cake, Josh is still sick. This means that he is snoring. Not just a little. I'm talking "jar me from my sleep and make me consider going to sleep on the cold uncomfortable couch (that I think gave me bronchitis)" snoring.

I eventually got to the point where I flipped out and got up. I fully plan to keep the heavy curtains drawn in the room and sleep for a while. (Or attempt to, I am notoriously bad at 1) going back to sleep 2) sleeping in the day time.) I just can't tolerate that sleep where you just get into deep sleep and then something wakes you up. It can ruin my entire day and I'd rather not sleep at all.

I am up at (what is now 5:30am) 4am writing a blog post (and listening to Joy Division) about how I will NEVER want children because having two cats is bad enough. I can not even imagine not sleeping because of a baby. I like my Nichole-time. Maybe it is for other people, and when it is I salute them. I know some amazingly crafty people who are great parents and I think thats awesome. But, it's just not for me. I can yell vulgar extremely descriptive things at the cats when they choose my day off to walk back and forth across my face all night and not feel bad. Even thinking about yelling at a child makes me feel bad. I don't even have to do it.

Let me throw it out there that now that I am awake the cats want nothing to do with me, nor are they bothering Joshua. Why kitties... why?

To all my crafty friends.

2008-11-04T20:38:00.002-05:00

One message.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

Just a message If you haven't, please do so. If you didn't exercise that right, please make an effort to do so in the next local government elections.

Little Blue Light.

2008-10-20T20:40:00.002-04:00

Quiet.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

I've got a chilled glass of blush here with me. The window is cracked just enough to let in a cool fall breeze, and Star Wars: A New Hope is on the t.v. (Coincidently I also have "On The Road" sitting here next to me for when I get bored with movies.)

I know I've been relativly quiet on here lately, but I've just been trying to enjoy life as much as possible. In the last few years I've really been feeling like life has been slipping away from me. I despie feeling this way. I don't like how it makes me feel as if I'm not a whole person anymore. A lot of it was employment mismatching, but a good portion of it was also a lack of passion for life. I was becoming dull and lacking that shining little blue light inside of me. I used to glow and I loved the feeling of it, now I barely twinkle.

I have been doing my very best to look at each day as an opportunity to make the most of each interaction, to say something kind to someone, to make someone else happy, and to see something beautiful in each person, place, or thing I view.

It has been working really well so far. I find myself more thankful than ever and really truly happy.

I'm off to wash my face, breathe in that cool autumn air, and finish off this wine. Life is grand.

Away from home.

2008-10-14T21:49:00.002-04:00

Backstreet Records.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

I have been spending my days in Indiana at a job training. Today was only day two of TWO full weeks. It's going to be a long two weeks.

It is undeniably autumn though. Driving home today the trees were on FIRE. It was beautiful. I'll try to take some photos tomorrow.

For now though, I am off to sleep.

F-you and the kitten you rode in on...

2008-10-08T15:56:00.002-04:00

Jarvis v.5
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

You know... I'm so mad right now.

I just got this adorable baby boy yesterday. I will start right off by saying I am more than a little neurotic about things like this. You know, the well being of living things...

This guy is thin, but not alarmingly so. More importantly he is also unvaccinated (and not yet fixed, i don't have to worry about that until later though). When I brought him into the house I knew that there would be a period of adjustment for him and Tibby. I have kept him quarantined in my studio for the last two days until I can have him looked at and given his aids/leukemia tests and first round of shots. (Tibby has her shots, although she needs a check up herself...) I don't want to infect Tib with anything by bringing someone new into the house.

So, here I am with my new kitten and I notice a small red spot on his anus after he poops. Tiny just on the inner circle of his anus. I check his stool and it's clear of any blood. I do the internet thing and find out it might not be a huge deal but I still want him looked at.

I start by calling the Humane Society, the one woman was a customer of mine at the bank and a coworker uses them all the time for shots/neutering. I called and the woman was not only rude, but couldn't give me the time of day. When I started out by telling her that I just had a few questions about the services they provided for fixing/shots for kittens her reply was, *snicker* "Well, what are they then?" Like this was preposterous. I go on about how we just got him, how is looks pretty small but I don't know how young, about the blood. She interrupts me twice and just states the days and times that they offer the services. She was obviously in a hurry to get off of the phone with me and before I could even find out the prices was already in her, "Well, thats fine call when you want to come down." send off. Needless to say, even if they're cheap I probably won't be going there.

I called All Pets Hospital here in town. The woman was so friendly and answered every single one of my questions. She offered prices without me even asking. Granted the grand total (and this would be without any medication if needed for worms) would be close to $300, well probably $150 since I think he's too young to be neutered. Steep. But I am willing to pay it if it will make my baby Jarvis healthy and the people won't treat me like Im in pain in their ass.

I still called one other place, Greengate Animal Clinic, to see if I could find somewhere cheaper to have all of this done. The woman was, once again, rude. She acted as if I was bothering her by calling to make an appointment or talk to her about services offered. The prices they quoted me were cheaper, I think, but I feel like she wasn't telling me all of the costs.

I hate to gripe about this, but this is a living thing. A tiny baby animal and I have some god damned questions about how to take care of him. I mean, sure I could be one of those deadbeat pet owners who never takes their pets in to be looked at. I could see blood and ignore it, hoping it will magically go away. I could allow all of my pets to get sick and pass it on to one another and never do a damn thing about it. Or, I could call around and ask questions.

Money is tight for everyone, or it should be anyway. The fact that people still want to spend money on stuff should make these places happy. How does any business expect anyone to want to spend money with their establishment if they treat the customers like shit in the first 3 minutes they interact with them?

I'm done complaining about this. I promise. I just wish the people working in these places could act with a little more compassion and love since that is supposed to be the basis of their entire business.

In any case, please do say hello to my newest family member, Jarvis. He is the baby of the family and he is a handful.