Viva La Ego

Instant Messaging Fantasy

2009-12-05T21:15:00.003Z

Bones : Hey, I want to play out a fantasy with you. Basically - I dream of messaging a woman on the internet and her never replying. Go...

Bones : Oooh, yeah. Just like that.

Bones : This is perfect. I think I've met my match!

xxxxx : wow u must be either really bored or really desperate

Bones : Gah, why did you have to go and ruin everything?

What Happens in Paris

2009-12-05T20:53:00.005Z

“There is a girl here that looks like you. I’m going to do her. Happy Birthday.”

God Save Me.

Status Updates

2009-06-24T00:24:00.002+01:00

I often spend the journey home from central London filled with words to write here with the journey sapping me of my energy to do anything but relax as soon as I arrive home.

So I'll keep this is succinct as possible. Some really great things have been happening career-wise, I don't know how long it will last but the experience I am getting is permanent. I have been waking up and going to sleep grateful and happy.

I've also been having some thoughts about what to do with this space, where the line between here and my work blog lays and if there needs to be a line at all. The format of this blog could be more interesting, and perhaps less of the regular internal monologue. I'll give it some thought.

In the meantime, boosh.
-Hybrid

The power of one

2009-05-31T04:11:00.003+01:00

Watch The Evolution of a Dance Party and more funny videos on CollegeHumor

Keep watching. It is much better than what you think it is a video of.

Transforminators

2009-05-26T22:58:00.002+01:00

Watchmen Intro = Awesome

2009-04-26T01:23:00.002+01:00

Quake on Me

2009-04-17T21:53:00.002+01:00

Watch Quake On Me on CollegeHumor

I know it's old, but hey. Fuck you too.
-Hybrid

The Early Bird gets the Salad

2009-04-15T12:14:00.005+01:00

Sometimes the brain can do incredible things. I fell asleep around 2am this morning, only to awake around 5:30am with my mind going absolutely crazy - the veins in my head pulsing so violently that my head rocked on my pillow. My thoughts were quite literally, making up entire chapters to the book I had been reading before I slept. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn't still reading.

Then I became incredibly hungry and thirsty, so I went and ate some salad and drank some juice before returning to sleep. I thought for a moment I was ill, but no. I had just randomly completely awoken hungry and insane.

I've been having a rough week so far, starting with an Easter during which I was both violently sick for a morning, returning home for an evening where my cat, Max died of a random brain hemorrhage. It's never easy to gauge grieving over an animal, at what level does being depressed about the passing of my pet cease becoming socially acceptable and begin to just annoy people?

In any case, Max was a pretty big part of my antisocial life. Everyone likes to breathe humanity into animals they care for and I am no different. Max was just always there to steal my seat and to seem like maybe he understood things or could tell when I wasn't feeling great and appear as a vessel to receive strokes in order to, in some supernatural way return the transaction with better feelings. And now all of that, be it real or imaginary is gone, forever. I am having a hard time adjusting to this and so far have been stroking things that, out of the corner of my eye trick me into believing he is still alive.

So it's wednesday, and I'm in Soho again. I meant to blog a long time ago about leaving the last studio and the end of work on Prince of Persia but I can't decide if such a post should reside here or if it is something that belongs in my work blog. Perhaps both, with the one here being a little less business-like. Leaving LipSync was a mix of sadness and euphoria - Sad to leave such a good group of people, especially when our team was great. Though an overwhelming sense of mission accomplished. It was the hard work and tough times I needed in order to assure myself I am ready for the Visual Effects Industry. Hooah.

In other news, my love life is still accurately describable through the word cryostatis. I am a lone space traveler, Frozen in time travelling towards a planet where I have the perfect life. I seem to know where I am going, and say by day - the closer my ship gets, the more certain I am of the planets beauty. It's just a matter of waiting. Waiting to breathe and to really see. Not the best analogy, I just can't help but operate mystery through metaphor. Sucks to be you, right?

All the badness aside, last night - prior to awakening a hungry genius, was wonderfully peaceful. Very difficult to explain why. The mention of someone seeing themselves in me, led to me realizing that they were right, because I can see it reflected back.

Potentially the worst thing ever, of course. But what isn't? I should get back to work.
-Matt

Triple Gorilla

2009-03-19T15:33:00.004Z

Troleplaying
-verb
1. Roleplaying as a Troll.
2. Making out beneath a bridge.

This morning the entire office was trying out google maps streetview. They've updated it to include English cities, so most of us were checking out our houses. It's very nifty. So far I've used it to explore the area I live and I found the mysterious chinese takeaway place which I thought maybe I had imagined.

A colleague brought up the point that there's not much reason to go outside anymore. You can travel about via google. Of course, we all know that's a silly idea. But I'll be honest and admit that sometimes I find it immensely satisfying to explore places in virtual environments.

Today has been quite relaxed, One of the more recent topics have been future studio/business venture/blog names. I came up with a couple that I would in absolute seriousness - use. Although Hybrid-Halo has been a staple of my web presence for a long, long time and will never die. I think 'Triple Gorilla' and 'Optical Crow' (wordplay on Optical Flow) are on equal footing in the coolness marathon.

Oh yeah. (CREATION(is the state of art)).

Abandoned Places

2009-03-18T15:39:00.002Z

So, this guy found a secret room behind his wardrobe. Which is pretty neat. I have a secret room through one of the walls in my house. Well, in theory it's actually a secret house. Inhabited by another family. Shh.

Last night was the first night in years that I laid in bed in the dark talking to someone on the telephone, sniggering loudly and getting into arguments about religion. It was very awesome. Parts of me that felt like they had died are grinding back into life, the rust peeling away to reveal purest machinery.

These days have been flying by. I hope to write more when I get home.

Once more, Back in to the Neurosis

2009-03-16T11:32:00.007Z

So I've decided that naming blog entries 'thinkpads' was just a lazy excuse for not having to thinking of a blog post title. I apologize for this lapse in effort sincerely and will be naming entries appropriately from hereon. Because of this, I will leave deciding which entries are my attempts at being coherent, informative and witty or just spilling my brain into a computer down to you.

Today me and Taz, a colleague - worked out that on average we spend around 3 hours a day 'awake' and the rest locked in battle with fatigue. Arriving at work around 9:30 and drinking tea until around a midday wake up. Eating at 1 and then being nearly asleep again by 3. Today's been different though. Somehow.

I'm operating on 4 hours sleep, but took my time getting in this morning. I arrived 10 minutes late but had a breakfast on the way in and drank some water. I felt like shit on my journey in but have been fully awake and aware since 10am. It's an entirely new feeling, and I am taking advantage.

13:47pm : Still awake, just ate a glorious burger and am now basking in some free time before it becomes unethical for me to be doing anything other than drawing shapes around Jake Gyllenhaals ripped, persian abs. I am not fucking kidding.

There was a longish queue for lunch, the guy in front of me - looked around 40. Turned around to me and complained about the queue by saying "they're fast..." to which I responded "They're not so slow, Stanley". He looked shocked and avoided making eye contact afterwards. Perhaps in future he will not walk around holding his resume in plain view. I actually got a little depressed reading it. He looked so old yet his only experience was as a sales assistant.

Last weekend was another houseparty on saturday followed by a late night, sleeping all day kind of thing. The Houseparty was alright, but not my kind of house party. Although my group of friends are largely younger than me we've never carried an air of student-ness. Maybe because we all study such polar opposites that we don't seek to relate to each other through academics. Because of that - house parties oriented within the group and open to others usually bring an interesting crowd.

I'm sure the students find us boring. What I'm saying is that I find them boring too. No matter how awesome they may think I am. (Which is pretty awesome, right Jak?).

As I think most of my close friends know, due to my drunken gushings I met someone about 2-3 months ago online called Olivia who has become pretty damn important, I guess writing it in here makes that official or something. So yeah, I'm not gay and I didn't lose my penis in a masturbatory accident. Stop asking.

In a year or so when I've made her up 'She's all that' style maybe you can meet her. Ok, so now I'm fucking kidding.

I've recently finished work on a load of projects, and realised that my contract here runs out in 2 weeks. It's crept up super-quickly, I guess we'll find out what's going on this week. I don't particularly want to be out of a job at all. Given that I've only just clawed myself out of debt and all. There's also the small issue of not having anything to do with all that free time just yet.

For the most part, it feels like the hard work is over. There's a level of pride that accompanies that. I came into this job with a pretty hardcore attitude - I wanted to get my hands dirty. I wanted to be tested. I wanted all the stress, the pain and the exhaustion because I wanted to be totally sure I could survive it. And at times, things were pretty tough - I questioned my desires an awful lot. But I'm still here. I made it. It's been the most brilliant dismissal of my deepest, most secret worry.

Which is, you know. Good.

15:23 - In retort to something Taz said, I called him an 'Olive Picker'. Which I find absolutely hilarious. I found a site called the racial slurs database and went through slurs for greeks until I found one he agreed with. I am sniggering pretty hard right now.

17:15 - Metallica's Unforgiven is playing on the radio. My head is visibly nodding.

Lately there have been emails going around at work about a 'race for life' charity event. It's basically a sponsored run. I would much rather it be a race between people who have cancer, and whoever wins they give the cure. That way the name wouldn't be totally misleading.

17:55 - NIN 'Closer' is playing. Need to listen to headphones to avert bonery status. You know who you are! This is what happens!

-Hybrid.

They call me Captain Hangover

2009-03-08T15:07:00.004Z

So, this weekend has actually been pretty awesome.

Out drinking with extremely cool people on Friday, then out to a best friends house party last night. An evening which involved a lot of alcohol, a lot of talking to new and interesting people...

And a little arguing with someone just to piss them off because they made the ironic mistake of calling one of the hosts best friends an idiot. Which, last time I checked is the most idiotic thing you can do at a house party. Especially if you're wrong in the first place. No one puts baby in a corner. Shh.

The Journey home with Jak was relatively epic, involving a morning stampede in to a fast food restaurant as well as walking through most of central London and back, and then out to Green Park. Killing time before the train service started.

Badass. But I may be randomly sick at any moment.
-Hybrid

The Watchmen Cartoon

2009-03-07T16:42:00.001Z

No Comment.
-Hybrid

First Weekend

2009-03-06T17:50:00.002Z

It's ten to Six on a Friday and I am sat here working on a major hollywood feature Film in a studio, on the film street of central London, with a beer on my desk and my first free weekend in over a month - during which a party is planned. There was already some aspects of my life to feel very good about, though right now I am feeling extra-very good.

I'm meant to be going to meet some people from fxphd in a second, though in all honesty I am very tired - the prospect of going home, eating with my family for a change and then sitting at my computer talking to people is very, very attractive to me right now.

Especially knowing that tomorrow night is likely to be alcomental.

-Hybrid.

ThinkPad 04.03.2009

2009-03-04T14:33:00.003Z

Last night as I exited the train I was teetering on the precipice of another very moody hour when the skies opened up and it rained very heavily in cue with the piece of music I was listening to (NIN - Fragile, to the chorus "I won't let you fall apart". Watching everyone else run for cover as I became soaked was somehow cathartic. I arrived home actually quite happy. The night got better, even though I underwent the ritualistic horror that is opening my PC, followed by the devilish process of installing an OS, then reinstalling all the apps. dun dun DUN.

Lengthy discussion about Dr Manhattan's Penis this morning. My greek colleague has taken issue with the concept. The discussion ended with me saying aloud "there is going to be a LOT of cock in that film".

I spent this lunch time in a music store down the road for a change, looking at electronic drum kits before buying the lead and guitar strings I needed. I may go back tomorrow and try out the kits. For the hell of it.

I decided that I talk very little about film, or Visual Effects as an art for someone who has friends linking to this blog as "a vfx artist's blog". This is mostly because I have another blog where I talk about nothing BUT work. Though I found something cool I'm going to blog about in both when I've done some tests.

Remind me to steal my camera back off of Seed.

"Sing everybody Deutsche Deutsche, Vaya con dios amigos"

ThinkPad 03.03.2008

2009-03-03T14:13:00.005Z

Man, after a long day there is a good hour of absolute exhaust inspired depression when I get home. I should convert this in to meditation, work out or masturbation time rather than just use it to make people worry that my mental state is spiraling in to a never ending black abyss.

It is a worry that I am just a depressive type. Pretty sensitive and have mood swings. I hope it is just the stress of working.

Speaking of which, contract extended to the 27th. Stayed last night to get a bulk out of the way - and did. The idea is that we now have our weekends back and we're looking to leave on time for a while. Which will be good for my soul, when I get home tired I feel like a different person and it takes a while to re-become an, albeit extremely tired version of myself.

Despite my general self loathing, there are elements of me I like - which are mostly gone when I'm in this state. I think this is the cause of all this whinery. tsk.

New Computer parts arrived just as I left for work this morning. Oh the aggrevation, I wanted to open the box and roll around in them. Good thing I had to leave as I'm pretty sure this would have been a regrettable decision.

'Nothing else Matters' just came on at work. Hell yeah.

Lots and lots of police sirens around today. Down side of working in the central film area of London is that central London is rife with crime. And worse, tourists.

'Hurt' plays at work. I secretly think they are sampling music off of my iPod. Oh, and now Dope Show is playing. CONSPIRACY CONSPIRACY!

I know I've gone on about this already, but now cake is playing. And the track is 'never there'. an excerpt of the lyrics :

"I need your arms around me, I need to feel your touch
I need your understanding, I need your love so much
You tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care
But when I need you baby, youre never there"

I wouldn't choose this song to represent how I feel, at all. It's just ironic. As though something supernatural is being condescending and sarcastically suggestive. I'm very near falling asleep at work right now.

Splashed cold water on my face, drank an entire Lucozade AND a cup of tea with 2 sugars. Come awn!

ThinkPad 03.02.2009

2009-03-02T15:47:00.002Z

In a hypothetical future where time travel is both unable to change the present (let's say that existence is pre-determined), if someone travels back in time and stabs the past versions of themselves. Would they be prosecuted for assault or would they be required to see a therapist over self harming?

These things bother me.

Yesterday was my first Sunday off in around 5-6 weeks. I've lost memory of the exact time I had a full weekend to myself which is, to say the least - just a little bit hardcore. This coming weekend will be mine though. All mine. Or to be more precise, part Saeed's and part property of a hangover.

Almost 9 and I'm still at work, will leave soon so I can go home and talk to people. In my zombie state.

ThinkPad 18.02.2009

2009-02-18T12:24:00.003Z

I mentioned to a couple of people last week that I've been hunting down a russian film called 'Stalker'. Coincidentally, the main character of my new book mentions the film in the first 3 pages. Are these amusing little elements of my life or am I a media zombie who's thoughts and seekings are controlled via advertising or propaganda?

I've been missing someone for 9 hours and 10 minutes. Or perhaps much, much longer.

Maybe if I throw up the 'horns' occasionally to my colleagues they will think that my nodding to sleep over the last hour has all been me gently head banging to my iPod.

11:45 and my colleague tells me in a very serious, conspiracy theorist way that what he is roto-ing right now really, really looks like a dick.

Is Tuna Dolphin-Friendly because Dolphin's don't eat Tuna?

Why I have a rap song on my iPod which is literally about waiting for the police to go away so he can track down a girl and hit her in the face with his gun I do not know. This should be looked in to.

Pump Pump Pump that Area.

Remembered that last night as I left work I look upwards in to the sky and thought I saw a beautiful constellation of stars. Though they faded and turned out to be blood in my eyes. Oh woe.

17:06 : A Battle. I will win. For sure.

19:10 : Battle Won. High Fived Colleagues, good feelings all around. This was much needed.

ThinkPad 17.02.2009

2009-02-17T12:03:00.003Z

Victoria Line cancelled. Took bendy bus and stood in the central circular turny part. Took every ounce of x-treme sports experience I had in order to remain standing. Other people noticeably less adept at this.

Morning spent at work listening to the radio or someone elses iPod playing out on the speaker system. A cacophony of music which I listened to when I was young and mostly of bands I saw live. Nu Metal terrors like Korn and Limp Bizkit with the occasional interlude of Marilyn Manson. I wonder if this is someone elses iPod. Me and them would get along, I should investigate.

Simon and Matt worked until 8:30am this morning and were back in at 11 today. 3 Hours rest. Hardcore mofos.

Every Tuesday the fire alarm sounds as a test, a single second of noise every week accompanied by a two second duration of internalized terror going on in my brain/heart.

Youtube idea - re-read poems I wrote as a depressed angsty teen with a degree of seriousness in order to bait trolling and general flame wars. Then reveal it was all a joke.

At several points during the day, the Roto team tried to discuss schedules and deadlines - referring to previous weeks work. All that was revealed is that we have all lost our abilities to correctly perceive space and time.

Hopefully buying a tablet. All excited. Getting excited reminded me of feelings for a certain person. I wonder if people feel this heat and exhilaration differently to me. It can feel like the foundation of a whole lot of hurt, and there's clemency to that. Somehow.

Quarter to 4, I can feel the cynicism and depression creeping up. Though currently I'm like that guy who's laughing at his friend who fell, without realizing that he's about to get hit by a wrecking ball and his friend fell in to safety. If that makes any sense.

I am now a wreck. And I am missing you right now. Bittersweet Symphony plays on the speakers. Who put this on? It's on Random.

Thought about people who hear voices in their heads. Why do the voices always say bad things. 'Kill yourself' and such. Do any mad people hear voices that say things like "You look nice today." "I want to hold you. You are amazing"? If not, why not?

Am I tired of being under-rated or am I just a frustrated newbie?

This is all just a phase. Just a phase.

I think I just saw one of those flying spider things.

Heresy. This coca cola imitation is Heresy.

5:10PM. Someone is sending me their calm.

I wonder if I am interesting because I am weird. I'm not sure I want to be weird. Different, sure. Weird no.

18:36 - Conversation Topic with Colleagues : Would you let me date your daughter? Amusing.

18:45 - Much Reliefs.

The Plan

2009-02-17T09:44:00.004Z

Here's the plan;

In the mornings and the day I am brimming with energy, thinking little things which make myself smile and I always have an overwhelming urge to share them with others. Maybe to try and provide an insight in to the way my curiosity works, and maybe just to try and see if anyone else thinks 'yes! I do that too!"

The problem I'm having is that I'm working so much over-time(unpaid) in order to chase my ambitions and leave a good impression that it's making me either forget what it was I'd thought about that I wanted to write about, or it's just replacing it with exhaustion and depression. I really don't want that side of me to be the one which always gets represented. Because it's really not who I am.

My proposed solution is that I jump online and write notes, placeholders and cues as things happen. I have the ability to hop online at work and do this at intervals so as to rest my eyes from work. So there's the opportunity to get things written down I want to take advantage of, even if only once every couple of weeks.

So there's the plan, the entries will be marked "ThinkPad". So be warned that they may not make much sense.

-Hybrid

With a Heavy Heart (I regret to inform you)

2009-02-02T20:32:00.002Z

So, I caught myself thinking;

When I was a kid we used to go on occasional school trips. I remember one time eyeing a piece of documentation much like the one pictured. It was a pyramid system for our parents to call each other and distribute news of our well-being.

I was just thinking, say our coach plummeted off the side of a cliff and in to a frozen lake. Sending us all to an icey death - meaning 'that' call would have to be made. Would everyone's parents keep it together and stick to the pyramid system so everyone finds out?

-Hybrid.

The Problem with bureaucracy.

2009-01-26T21:03:00.004Z

..Is that no one seems to like the truth.

Hybrid.

Quick Catch Up

2009-01-26T13:41:00.003Z

If you don't know how to use self-checkout, lunch hour in central London is not the time to learn. There is always someone holding the queue up through a mix of inexperience and general technological inadequacy. I watch them patiently, as though studying an entirely different species. It drives me crazy.

Since early December I've been working a new job, a big opportunity to finally work in the industry I want to. Things are still going great, though the work is hard. The realization that I am turning what I always thought would remain a hobby into a career is a slow one, I went to sleep smiling thinking about that last night.

As always, new job brings with it an entirely new routine. The commute has always been the least pleasant aspect of working though this time round is probably at it's most endurable. Missing my train on the way home delays me by half an hour, so it is something I try to avoid doing. Which doesn't mean it never happens.

Two weeks back such an occasion occurred, so I took it upon myself to explore Victoria station a little. I had no idea there was a shopping centre in there. I even saw a sign for the International Cheese Centre (something I scoped out later in the week). The short story is, I bought some in-ear headphones and a book.

In-Ear headphones are an interesting experience. The good side is that the audio quality is great, a real presence of bass. You can completely shut yourself off from your surroundings. The bad side is that you can be really shut off from your surroundings. Which for someone like me, is not necessarily a good thing. Spy music invokes spy-like behavior whilst scary music makes me feel like the floor is going to fall away. Small things become immensely meaningful and perhaps even dangerous when the right music is playing.

All in all. Things are OK. I thought I'd touch in, as I hadn't for a while.
-Hybrid.

Instruction Manual for life

2009-01-17T16:19:00.003Z

Retro before you were born.

2009-01-16T20:50:00.002Z

Pretty cool. Though that's the last Dark Knight related thing. Promise.

I was thinking earlier, about how the NES is in some way the poster-boy for the retro gaming generation. You see the NES controller everywhere, mostly adorned by people who are too young to ever have been there when the console was about.

I know this for a fact, because if they were around at the time then they wouldn't be idolizing the console this way. Anyone with half a brain knows that the real shit went down on the SNES. How could anyone favour something over the version which is named the same except pre-fixed with the word 'super'?

I suppose unless you're in a committed homosexual relationship and didn't like DC's rather popular comic character.

So what I'm saying is 'sure, I have a NES belt. But don't even think about relating to me unless it's to talk about how much cooler the SNES was. And if you're younger than 23 and you're wearing a thundercats T-Shirt don't even make eye contact with me.'

I'm glad we got that out of the way.

-Hybrid.