Lord, Beer Me Strength

Of Greetings and Goodbyes, And SunChip crumbs

2008-11-17T14:58:00.000-08:00

Apologies to our faithful audience (in my case, Murph, and in his case, me) for the eerily similar performance to Plaxico Burress that's been put into the site lately (not to be confused with the '07 version).

Really, like Emilio, we've surely had some great ideas to return to the limelight. Typing 150 words or so and slotting in a hip/ironic picture is often times more difficult than the quadruple deke or rounding up Fulton and the old crew.

For now, just trust that our intentions to write more are pure, and that our next real post has a solid chance to come out before D4: Running Afowl. So until then, maybe write into your neighborhood movie exec to get this baby fast-tracked, or green lit, or what have you:

Coach Bombay (i.e. me) is skating on a frozen pond in slow motion, sort of reflecting on his life like he always does, and then the ice cracks and he falls in. For a second it looks like he's going to drown, but then you see someone extend this hockey stick into the ice-cold water, and the camera zooms up, and it's Charlie (i.e. Charlie Conway, my protégé). He saves me. He's old now and has a beard. And he says in this really gravelly voice "Ducks fly together" and I nod at him and then the team gets back together to play in the Olympics. Then "Whoomp! (There It Is)" starts playing.

How about a slow quack, for old times sake?

When Life Gets You Down... [The Onion]

Stalking Chase: An Admirer on Tracks

2008-08-05T14:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Chase Utley,

Thanks for ripping twenty eight homers with your short, jerky swing. Your VORP is like that of John Lennon, there is only one.

It’s time for you to find a Hollywood publicist and a public vice. Spend your nights outside Philly’s finest strip joints with Stephen Jackson, firing automatic weapons into the air, slurping Grey Goose on the rocks and snorting cocaine off Destiny’s backside. Let your hair down Chase, we wanna see your dark side.

The way you flick those wrists makes me wonder if you’re into S&M.

-Locomotive

Favre Faxes Dulcolax Prescription

2008-07-29T18:20:00.001-07:00

Quinn Contemplates 'Catching' Professionally

2008-07-26T12:25:00.000-07:00

BEREA, Ohio -- As the Cleveland Browns begin training camp at their practice facility in Berea, the previous ruminations of a potential quarterback controversy may be ending soon. Former Notre Dame star quarterback/gay dating ad poster child, Brady Quinn, said he may follow his former touchdown target into a different profession.

"Jeff [Samardzija] is playing baseball and having a blast," Quinn told reporters Friday. "I've been doing some research and found out that the game has a position for me. It's not only socially acceptable for a guy to be a catcher but well respected."

Browns management declined to comment on Quinn's possible career switch.

"If I could join with the Chicago Cups [sic] I'd be able to catch while [Samardzija] pitches," Quinn said. "Just like back at the dorms in South Bend."

LBMS Book Club

2008-07-11T13:05:00.000-07:00

The struggling American economy is slowly eliminating the high school sports landscape, leaving one Pulitzer winner in search of a new game, and a new breed, to exploit. That man is, of course, Pulitzer Prize winning reporter H.G. Bissinger.
Secular religions are fascinating in the devotion and zealousness they breed, and in Oregon, under-eight soccer has its own "rabid" hold over the faithful. H.G. Bissinger, a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, enters into the spirit of one of its "most fervent shrines": Cedar Mill, an upper-middle class suburb in the comfortable confines of Northwest Oregon, where the Brockman D.D.S. Tooth Fairies have managed to compile the most smiles and least on-field urine stains in state annals. Indeed, as this breathtaking examination of the town, the team, its coaches, and its young players chronicles, the team, for better and for worse, is portrayed as the town; the communal health and self-image of the latter is minsinterpreted as being linked to the on-field success of the former. The 2007 season, the one Saturday Afternoon Orange Slices recounts, was not one of the Tooth Fairies' best. Bissinger's effect on the community--and the players--was explosive. Written with exaggerated style and unnecessary, borderline libelous, passion, SAOS offers an American snapshot in deeply blurred focus; the picture is not always pretty, but the image is hard to forget.

Country Singer Whispers Sweet Nothings in Dallas Goaltender's Earhole

2008-06-30T20:48:00.000-07:00

File this one in the 'timely posts' section of your Carl Monday Memorial library, for we've recently come to discover that Dallas Stars backup goalie Mike Smith ~~gave dome to a dude~~ has a dude on his dome - and apparently it's supposed to be former Padres auditionee Garth Brooks. *Insert Brooks' song title pun and/or Brokeback joke here*

This is a special precedent Smith has set here. We can only hope it leads to Dominik Hasek stenciling a shirtless Eminem onto his old, sexually neutral red helmet when he once again pounces out of his retirement rocker.

Shaq Sentenced to Death for Rap Song

2008-06-24T18:19:00.001-07:00

Handicapping the College World Series Final

2008-06-23T11:10:00.000-07:00

The championship series of the CWS begins this evening in Omaha and pits the number four regional seed Fresno State Bulldogs against the number eight national seed Georgia Bulldogs.

Picking the winner is normally a quite easy task, as the the school with the tougher mascot has won every year since 1998 (Trojans over Sun Devils; in reality, a devil will corrode the soul of even the strongest-willed warrior, but USC happened to prevail in the baseball matchup ten years ago).

But considering this year features a battle of mascots of the same breed, an anomaly that hasn't occured in the CWS's 61-year history, we'll need to analyze the logos to uproot our answer.

Fresno State (above, left) pros: Bulldog assumes a strong, wide stance and yields Popeye-calibur forearms; compensates for jowels with chiseled body; pigeon-pawed, giving it a steady center of gravity; looks like the milky cousin of that demon dog from Ghostbusters.

Georgia pros: Battle-ready intensity, complete with prototypical Bulldog underbite; razor-sharp spikes on collar; cap, although erring on the circus-tent side looks-wise, implies a more advanced baseball capacity than it's nude-domed FSU counterpart; wrinkly (savvy); bloodshot eyes, possibly indicating rabies.

Fresno State cons: Cross-eyed, mouth agape; rounded, bulbous spikes on collar; bright-white teeth, smooth face, indicators of pampering, thus lowering kennel cred.

Georgia cons: No body; apparent cauliflower ear; red, blood-like substance above collar, evidence to decapitation as reason for lack of body; bloodshot eyes, possibly indicating the dog is high.

Consensus: Even though the signs point towards a Fresno State win, we can't rule out a mascot that has chomped at opposing players in the past. Georgia in three.

Parker Becomes Second Woman to Score Basket in WNBA Game

2008-06-23T10:38:00.000-07:00

V(o)ulgar(is) Profits Via Vaticination

2008-06-15T18:31:00.000-07:00

If you follow the tournament poker circuit at all you may be familiar with Haralabos Voulgaris. In his televised WPT final table from a few years back, he came across as a man with an icepick of an intellect but an arrogant douche index spiking higher than Bob Costas at a journalistic integrity convention.

Apparently though, this guy has been making a living betting NBA games the last few years and has compiled quite the statistical database to predict scoring outcomes. Henry Abbott of TrueHoop caught up with H-Voulg and discussed the man's grueling game logging, his million dollar profits, as well as his thoughts on wig-hawking Morrie-level mobster Tim Donaghy.

Very interesting read, and in the duo of interviews Voulgaris comes across as intelligent as we figured he was and, until the very last paragraph, somewhat humble.

Gambling is of no interest to me, I "gamble" on two things: poker and sports. Neither of which is actually a gamble, because my edge in both is rather large.

As is, probably, his time spent talking to pretend people on his cellphone while waiting alone outside the ropes at Vegas nightclubs.

Wait, pound is tic tac toe, right?

2008-06-05T07:47:00.000-07:00

In tribute to the Lakers-Celtics beginning tonight and uh, Magic Johnson. And the Arrested Development movie slated for 2009.

Former NHL Star Turns to Lucrative Balancing Biz

2008-05-31T12:57:00.000-07:00

Theodore Fleury, who used to make a living amusing fans as a toothless gnome on ice, has switched his racket to entertaining minor league baseball crowds with in-between inning ball-on-bat balancing acts.

Pedro Applying the Ultimate D-Stamp

2008-05-26T13:23:00.000-07:00

With the MLB amateur player draft quickly approaching, and the G-men to have their highest selection since 1997, we've been taking extra interest in the talent pool.

Pedro Alvarez of Vanderbilt is touted by most as the cream of the crop, the knees of the bees, the Omar of the rip 'n runners. And really, the only chance of him falling to five is the Boras factor. Which is fine since Justin Smoak is a switch-hitting 'Cocksmith of Teixeiran power and average and would be a morpheus fit in SF (especially since he totes a glove that would be as close to Snow as the Bay Area has seen since JT departed.)

Ped-Al and An-Vil, though, as corner infielders would surely comprise the best 3-4 haymaker combo in an MLB lineup since... Chipper and Teixeira?

Two-Thirds the Innings, Four-Thirds the F*cking Fun!

2008-05-19T15:10:00.000-07:00

Evin "The Locomotive" Murphy finds time to belt out taint-tingling prose for LBMS from his real estate office in Laguna Beach, CA. In this edition, The Loco waxes nostalgic and beats down kids for snack-bar-bucks-redeemable foul balls at the local little league ballyard.

When you’re in your early twenties and you ride a desk for a living there’s only one thing that gets you through the grind. For me that one thing is little league baseball.

I think about it all the time; the snack bar gummy worms, taking grounders with your friends, wondering when you’ll be big enough to put one in the seats.

My nostalgia for America’s pastime prompted me to conclude that I should join a hardball team; lather my senses with big league chew, manicured grass, bean balls, beer bellies and polish sausage. Plus, it will be something to break up the monotony of my memoirs, which currently read: “Day 7940: Jacked off again...”

Play Ball!

Moral for High-School Sophomores: Wear Giants Gear, Potentially Get Laid

2008-05-19T10:14:00.000-07:00

Looks like Tommy's showing a little love for the only team that would have scored less than the Pats did in Super Bowl XLII.

On a serious note, it's refreshing to see a superstar sporting an SF cap in public. Our appreciation increased a few figures on the totem pole for Brady. We're that easy. Fortunately not as easy as the 15-year old giving him the f*ck-me eyes though.

WNBA Desperate, Tries Honesty For New Campaign Slogan

2008-05-18T19:36:00.000-07:00

We conclude that their therapist advised them on this maneuver. Or maybe, the league is simply going through its blunt-honesty phase of menopause.

WNBA: Expect Great

For just one night let's not be co-workers, let's be co-people

2008-05-11T15:57:00.001-07:00

Barkley got Burgundy'd last week by EJ on the TNT set. Later that evening Chaz consumed five pulled pork sandwiches and a litre of potato salad from the post-show spread, and was reportedly heard telling the Turner production staff to not "act like you're not impressed."

In other Anchorman news, apparently Will Ferrell and director Adam McKay will reunite for a sequel as soon as they take care of their current projects. Though tingling vibrations of Caddyshack 2 and Dumb and Dumberer just shot down our spine, we remain optimistic.

We Wonder If Bloatsburgh Has a Park This Nice; And Whether The Beets Have Played to a Sold-out Crowd There

2008-05-11T13:03:00.000-07:00

As Giants fans who have been to PNC Park, we don't take kindly to those that favor Pittsburgh's confines to the Bay Area's. However, the above picture single-imagedly closed that gap betwixt the two a couple rosin bag-widths worth.

A gem of a yard no doubt. Though we'd prefer to be sitting down the first-base line than underneath Jason Bay's taint, as photographer Gene J. Puskar so selected.

For those, however, who aren't quite sold on the slight superiority of ~~Pac BellAT&TMonster?~~ SBC over PNC, try drinking Iron City lager out of an aluminum bottle after a frothy cup of Anchor Steam on draft. It's like chasing angellic breast milk with demonic outhouse sludge. Figuratively.

Or maybe we're just bitter the G-men can't buy, or barter with clubhouse blow-up dolls, a win in that god forsaken yard.

Undershirts are for the Cowardly

2008-05-11T08:35:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to the Mad Dog on picking up his 350th career win last night. The most enjoyable part of that experience for us was the post-game press conference. We could listen to Maddux talk for hours on end.

From the reptilian tongue movement, to the commencing of each sentence with "you know, ahhh...", to the prolonged smiles after his jokes, giving the impression he just took a few bong loads in the training room; ~~our~~ women's hearts melt.

He dresses up in golf attire to watch tv, and he's got just the right sprinkling of Lumbergh in his speech delivery to put you in a peaceful trance.

Or perhaps we just enjoy watching him address the masses with the notion that maybe, given enough time behind the mic, he'll start rambling about his alleged brown deliveries on rookies' uniforms, or leg urinations in the shower.

Because if you're a young player, there's no better way to begin a career than to be blessed with the notorious Mad Dog coating.

Maddux beats Rockies for 350th win [MLB.com] (Click the press conference link just above the story's text for a sampling)

Beane Defends Recent Thrifty Waiver-work: 'Construction Workers Currently Undervalued'

2008-05-07T17:26:00.000-07:00

Always Crashing in the Same Teal Car

2008-05-05T15:46:00.000-07:00

One of the best hockey games ever happened to be one of the longest hockey games ever. Which also happened to be one of the sharpest daggers to the balls that a Sharks fan has taken, ever.

Like grass dampening in the rain, or us bolting to the computer after a provocative late-night infomercial, another promising San Jose season has come to a disappointing end.

So as we bid adieu to yet one more underachieving playoff campaign, we honor the fifth-longest game in NHL history -- (Robert) Frost on ice, if you will -- with a poem of the shortest variety.

Red 42... Blue 68... set, hut, hut, Haiku!

Nab. Turc. Magic show.
Big hits rammed. Seven frames spanned.
Gulp whistle, (you fucking) zebra.

Mrs. FIGJAM and the Sightly Swede

2008-05-04T09:07:00.000-07:00

Mrs. FIGJAM: It's stupid that just because my husband is jealous of Tiger that we can't hang out on our knees and wear matching knits all the time.

Mrs. Woods: LOL, I know, right! Forget the boys for once.

Mrs. F: Wow Elin, I'm glad you see it that way. Let's hold hands.

Mrs. W: Uhh...

Mrs. F: Come on chica, I want to feel your supple Scandinavian skin. Take your hand outta that sweater! Lol.

Mrs. W: Heh... I think I'll just leave it in actually.

Mrs. F: Well can you at least take off those darned glamour shades. Maybe we can try a butterfly kiss!

*awkward silence*

Mrs. F: My husband and I share bras.

Mrs. W: Check, please.

What's the Most You've Ever Lost on a Coinflip? The Shot at an Improbable Comeback

2008-05-03T10:47:00.000-07:00

With Joe Pavelski's overtime goal Friday night to push the Sharks to a game six against Dallas, a game seven, and ultimately a game one of the conference finals for the teal and black (and orange), is now conceivably graspable.

Coming back from a 3-0 deficit is difficult, as proven by the thousands (hundreds?) of teams who have failed to do so in sporting seasons' past.

In the Sharks instance: the white, foggy haze enveloping their eyesight after the series' first three games has proven not to be heavenly clouds of a death confirmation, but gobs of white out smeared over their retinas.

And now, with the series at 3-2 and headed back to the Large Fourth Letter of the Alphabet, that white out is chipping off with each Dallas goal overturned.

It's within grasp. Game six feels like a coin flip to Sharks fans, and should the metal circle land favorably, game seven a momentum-fueled lock. No jinx-mo.

So a message to "Teal Town" going forward: don't get eaten by a shark. Because we now have a 50/50 shot at meeting a well-rested powerhouse in the conference finals.

Philosophical Punditry and Substance Abuse

2008-05-03T08:27:00.000-07:00

Here we are in the dungeon of capitalism, and the election is getting weird. In a race to the toilet, ESPN and its cast of goons are outdone only by the current political landscape of goofy sophists and charlatans, two men and a woman addicted to lust, anger, denial and the big fix.

Praise to allah and death to capitalism. It's murky waters we swim in. If Welfare, medicaid, medical, SSI, ESPN and streaming pornography aren't sufficient to bouy someone of your intellectual fervor, the dream is gone. White picket fences, aging spouses and a giant hole in your soul don't have the appeal that they once did.

Some find solace in the translucent orange bottles of presecription meds, booze, vats of cocaine or a manic late-night frenzy of Skoal and party poker. Your chasm is expanding and the anesthesia of adolescence is wearing off.

Time to turn inward and harvest your sorrow. Piss on the flames. Tear your hair, shred your clothes, ejaculate on your existential dilemma. Douse your groin with talcolm powder and run wildly through the streets. Our time has come.

Assalamlakum.

-Locomotive

Bang Bus On Ice

2008-04-29T18:46:00.000-07:00

Here it looks like we have Fulton laying out Averman.

Or actually that could've been Merriman in the dark jersey, receiving the minor-league hockey equivalent of getting tucked into bed. What a wallop.

Thanks to Wyshynski and AA for the vid.