Scraps of Love

When your kids break your heart....

2008-04-24T05:54:00.000-07:00

When one of your greatest treasures in life are your children, and when you gave them all of your love and devotion, and when you gave them all of your strength, gifts, services, all your energies, time, and anything you could do for them, and you become not a part of their life anymore, it breaks your heart.

When your children want a separate life from you, which is normal, that they go out of their way to separate, and the only time when they want you, is when they need something, that breaks your heart.

When your children want no part of you, because you're too old, too giving, too Christian, (or maybe religious), and don't want to identify with you, that breaks your heart.

When your children break your heart, what can you do? Cry, get angry, after all, didn't you do the most for them?! Do you yell, pray, reject back?

No......

Now is the time to give them completely to the Father in heaven. Love them with His love, not your own, pray, and wait..............

Going Beyond Our Wants, by Henri Nouwen

2008-04-22T06:11:00.000-07:00

Everyday I get different and regular emails. Some devotionals, some thoughts of the day, some quotes of the day, some notices from Facebook, and always junk mail. Usually gross things that I would like to ring their necks, and today, 15 ads for a watch that I would never buy. Would like to wring their neck too. (Just an expression, not literal).

Today, as always, I received a devotional from Henri Nouwen, a man who lived in community, with handicapped, forgotten people, that no one wanted. People who what would seem, only to take, but really, gave Henri, & Jean Vanier, and others, so much love and enrichment, and showed them how to really live. Below is a quote from Henri Nouwen, about knowing what you really want, and not being double minded. I think I can really say what it is that I really want, and that is, for all of my children and family to know and love God, through Jesus.

Going Beyond Our Wants, by Henri Nouwen
Sometimes we behave like children in a toy shop. We want this, and that, and then something else. The many options confuse us and create an enormous restlessness in us. When someone says, "Well, what do you want? You can have one thing. Make up your mind," we do not know what to choose.

As long as our hearts keep vacillating among these many wants, we cannot move forward in life with inner peace and joy. That is why we need inner and outer disciplines, to go beyond these wants and discover our mission in life.

Much of my life is spent in serving the homeless women at the shelter that I have worked at for the last 10 years. I do and have done what I can, in as far as serving my family here, and my parents in North Dakota. (There is family there, and mostly, my sister Shirley Hooey, has helped our parents in so many ways. I feel like she is their, and my angel, for this. I wait and pray for the time that I can go and visit again, and hopefully help in some way).

Mostly, with my family here, who are all grown children, I give birthday parties, host holiday celebrations, make pies, do mending for them, and do anything that I possibly can. Mostly, I pray for everyone everyday. They all have my heart dearly, and I give them all back to God, and pray for His direction and help.

My husband Jon, who also loves them all, seems like he has an easier time of putting them all into God's hands, and leaving them there, for his peace of mind, that is how he copes best. I am thankful for a loving, adoring and endearing husband and help meet to me, maybe more to me than I to him. Jon would want this too, but feels that he won't want something that he can't have. We look at a question and answer differently. To me a want is a want, whether it's in our power or not.

So, my wants, I can do nothing about, but just pray and trust God. And, in my daily life, I go on serving God in the best way that I know how.

Back again.....

2008-04-21T06:41:00.000-07:00

It has been over a year since I have written on my blog. Actually I have been doing Facebook, but not really blogging there. May I have a change of attitude and discipline, as blogging has many advantages, different for each person. I won't name all of my reasons for blogging, but hope that it will not only benefit myself, but also anyone who should happen to read my blog. Actually I have met different people through my blog, and see that when you post something publicly people are going to read your blog. If you want a private blog, then don't put it on the Internet, put it into a little book that you can hide somewhere. I would like to write down the many things that God has done in my life, as there have been many, and about what a most loving, powerful God that exists. Now is not the time, as I have to go to work, at Leland House, housing for women out of homelessness, and with disabilities, mental and out of substance abuse. I had a call from one of them this weekend, and I know that I have what could be a stressful day ahead of me, as police were called and said a 'hate crime had been committed. I may write about it, or not, as I have to be careful what I write, as this is public, and much of what I encounter must not be for open display, at least not with identifying persons. Have a good day, whoever reads this, and God be with us today. Back again, after an entire year. Carol

It Takes a Life to Get a Life......

2007-03-17T06:43:00.000-07:00

A week ago yesterday, my husband and friends gave me a surprise birthday party for my 60th birthday party. The one reason that I dare say my age is because I don't feel 60, a lot of people say I don't look it, and infact, I don't even act 60. So what's in a number? You can't help when you were born, but you can help how you feel, usually. Good living, not smoking or drinking, monogomous living, with only one man, my husband, and exercise and diet. Well, attempted exercise and diet. That's the hard part, but I continually work at that. Giving up alot of the other things that are bad for you becomes much easier, after not having those other things for along time, if ever, and of course, you receive so much more that is good, in return...

Living in an intentional Christian community, with people of all ages, and having a purpose in life, serving God and others, also helps keep one younger. Constantly seeking to grow and heal from life's injuries is helpful too. Maintain an open and humble attitude about yourself. You never stop growing, this will go on until it's time for you to leave this earth. I don't know if I will live another 40 yrs. or if I even have tomorrow. I first learned that tomorrow is not promised to anyone when my sons, Christopher and Trevor were born 3 months early. They are now 27 yrs. old, and are wonderful in so many ways, but when they first entered this earth, all of life was very doubtful. In the year of 2000 I had 2 cancers, which wasn't my only life's scare. If we put our lives in the hands of God, it is a very safe place. Not safeguarding life on this earth, just the safest place that I know to be. If I die, because I have trusted that the Christian message of what Jesus Christ has done for us, to be true, I believe that I will go to heaven to spend eternal life with Him. I'm betting all of my life on this, and as Pascal's wager would say, even if this were not true, I have a great life on this earth, just for this trust.

Because of unhealthy relationships in much of my life, I was left feeling quite damaged. It has taken a lifetime to receive much healing and change, and I'm not done yet. Most of my life I have felt somewhat unlovely and unloved. It has always been much easier for me to believe the negative rather then the positive about myself. It is a long process for some of us to receive the healing we desire. In 1989 I married Jon and through him, God has done much healing in me. In the community here at JPUSA, where I've lived since 1987, often I would feel those same negative feelings. Read 'Telling Yourself the Truth', by William Backus. Go to a healing class such as 'Redeemed Lives', by Mario Bergner. Trust in God, He alone can heal you, but gives us many tools in reaching our goals. (Some people need medicine and professional help. I never had this, and maybe it would have sped up the process. It all takes time, however you go about the healing. Just don't give up). Many times I see very young people, who think they've arrived and have it all together. Guess I did too, in my early 20's. You just don't know what you don't know. An entire life holds many good and many bad times. But, all in all, when you make continual right and good choices, you can grow good and strong, even if life throws alot of bad things at you.

I sort of had the icing on my cake when my husband and some good friends gave me a surprise birthday party on March 9th, over a week ago now. (My birthday is on March 10th). There were about 45 people there, and I was overwhelmed by the love and encouragement I received that night. From hearing what different people had to say about me, I never knew that I was held in that kind of love and respect. I said several times after, "I will not forget". But yet, with just a little over a week later, I can see, if I was not careful, I could forget. It is so easy to forget the good things in life, and only remember the bad. But, 'I will not forget'. I will hold onto the good. I do not have to have another's encouraging words every moment. I am making a small book of memories from that moment of kindness towards me, so I will not forget. (You can go to my husbands blog, and read Wendi Kaiser's letter that she read at my party, and see some pictures my husband put on his blog, if you are interested, bored, or are looking for more reading material. Haha!) Jon's blog is bluechristian.com

Have a great week. God bless! Love, Carol

Grand Jury duty......

2007-01-29T17:13:00.000-08:00

This entire month I have had Grand Jury duty, voting on people (prosecutors. lawyers, dectectives, etc.), getting subpoenas for witnesses for different cases. It has been interesting, sometimes boring, often very sad. I cannot tell anyone about the cases themselves, just a little of what it means to be on Grand Jury duty. I have only 4 more days left. I have chosen to take public transportation, rather then search around the community every day, to borrow a car. (Jon and I don't stewart one of the many cars and vehicles in the community). I take 2 trains and a bus each way. It was overwhelming at first, but has been a blessing in disguise, the exercise that I have needed, going up and down the stairs, being as I sit most of the day, and fight off the treats and food that all of us bring in everyday. Instead of gaining the 10 lbs. that people often gain, after doing the jury duty for a month, I have actually lost a couple of lbs.

Last Friday we had a tour of part of the jail. Each cell holds two prisoners, and if they are over crowded, 3, one on the floor, on a mattress.(Winters are often more crowded, because some homeless people will sometimes actually commit a crime, so as they can be off the streets, have a bed, and meals in a warm building). The men (we didn't visit the women's side), are in a day room all day, all just sitting around talking, watching a little tv. There is a room with a tv, a couple of pool tables, and some weight benches. Everyone said that it smelled real sweaty in there. I have no sense of smell, lost it as a child. The library and the chapel were real nice. Heard some guys singing in the chapel, it seemed like Christians. We saw the nicer side of being in jail, but none the less, would get old, probably in a day. (By nicer side, meaning we didn't really hear the interaction of the people in jail, only them looking out the window, staring at people looking at them, like they were animals in a zoo, or something).

Our jury group has had a great time getting to know each other. It's been real interesting.

Well, I'm tired, have to get up at 6 :30 am the next 4 days, and out the house in 45 minutes. It's so cold this week, will be glad when the job is completed.

Thoughts on the death of my sister....

2006-12-30T06:29:00.000-08:00

How could someone that loud slip away so quietly?! It is now between Christmas and New Year's Day. The death of a friend's father got me thinking of the death of my sister. When Jane died in July of 2005, we were out on the festival grounds, finishing up another annual 'Cornerstone Festival', and my husband and I were on our way to vacation in Montana. Jon had a '30th' high school reunion to get to, and it was all a matter of a day or two. It was such an unexpected time for a death, or are we ever prepared for a death?! On our way to Montana, we went over to East Grand Forks for the wake, day before the funeral. I, as well as my sister Shirley, shared thoughts about Jane, and then we were there for the next day, funeral and burial of Jane. God's Spirit seemed very present at the funeral, as it seemed to bond the family in a way that was out of the normal.

Jane was born with water on the brain, and had had probably about 35 operations in her life. For someone out of such a hard life, Jane had born to her, two lovely girls, very bright, intelligent and beautiful. Jane's marriage had ended very sadly, for her husband had turned out to be not such a nice guy, a really not nice guy. Jane, because of all the illness, was unable to live quite a normal life, and longed to be loved and cared for. She hovered over her prized possessions, her daughters, who did not want to be owned and controlled, for they certainly were their own people. She did however, teach them many valuable things in life, even by her example.

When Jane entered the room, you really knew it, for she was very loud and boisterous. She had a way of annoying you, and probably, way down, she knew it, but couldn't help herself. Jane was very loving to others, she wasn't the type to hold a grudge, nor really, even judge another. She had a way of badgering you though, with her questions and need for acceptance. If she knew someone as a baby or child, she had a hard time looking at that person as an adult, and wanted to treat them as that child, someone she could hold. Really, all that Jane wanted, and needed, was to be loved in return.

On the phone, I do remember Jane expressing her love for Jesus. She told me that she could hardly go to church without crying. I understand that feeling, one that expresses that God really does have one's heart. I am so glad for that, for I know that Jane is now with God, and is happier then ever. Jane has found the love that she has wanted so badly. Jane is now in the arms of Jesus, where she can feel safe and loved.

I did not live by Jane, for many, many years. She was not part of my daily life. I can feel guilty that I didn't have a more positive and consistent input into her life. I do hope that my faith in God was somehow an inspiration to her, in some way. When Jane was a little girl, I did pray with her to receive Jesus, and as He promises, "I will never leave nor forsake you", was true with Jane.

Jane was loved, and loved by many. Many of the people in her church also loved her. Her family, even though not always patiently, loved her. Her daughters loved her. Most of all, she is now, as I stated, in the loving arms of the Lord, and in a glorious place. Something to be pondered on, for either God and His promises are real, or not. Do you feel sure that you will be able to run up to Jane, in the heavenlies, when you die, and greet her once again? You can, not from what good you have done, but by accepting what Jesus did for you, and me, and Jane.

Holiday blues?!

2006-12-23T07:32:00.000-08:00

Scraps of Love
Holiday blues?? Holidays not what you expected? When it comes to the holidays, for many people, it is a struggle. There has never been a holiday that I haven't been tempted to get depressed, in some way or another. The holidays always tell us 'how it's suppose to be', and somehow, we always come out short. Life for most of us, is not exactly how we want it. Either, our past haunts us, or our family is not the tight knit family that we want, or we just aren't getting back near as much as we give out.

What is Christmas really about? It originated with a little baby born in a manger, to come into the world, to save us from all our dysfunction and pain, and to give us a better life, here and in the here after. Second, Christmas is about giving, giving to others, without expecting a return.

I live in an area where I walk down the street and see lots and lots of people that don't celebrate Christmas in any way, and are just looking for a handout. Down and outers. I live in a Christian community where there are lots of people who are trying to follow God. Now, if I compare with some families, intact families who never experianced the disaster of divorce and how that affects their children, I can come feeling like I'm coming out short. However, if I look around at many of the single people here, without a dear loving spouse or any children, or family, I know they feel they are coming out short. They are lonely and want what I have.

Christmas eve we will have a Christmas eve get together, and later, a wonderful service, with all of our eyes on Jesus, together, and then we will all know together, what Christmas is all about. Hope, mercy and love.
We live in an imperfect world. We can all come with feelings of disappointment, in ourselves, in others, to some degree or another. Christ came to save us from ourselves and all that is not right.

May you look to the One that Christmas is all about. Find others that are less fortunate then you, and give, expecting nothing back, except the blessing of giving. Jesus came into this world, to pay a high price, for you and me, that we could have life, and life most abundant. May you experiance this most wonderful thing that you could possibly experiance, new life in Him. Carol

Dealing with stress, part two......

2006-11-29T07:56:00.000-08:00

Hey, still dealing with stress. My job is very stressful at times, but then, who's isn't. Well, I do think mine is just a little extra stressful, but I'm learning to not get so stressed. Yesterday, I had a very much younger coworker minister to me about it. Yikes, who does this young whipper snapper think she is, telling me what to do?! After all, besides her youth, I have worked with homeless, messed up women much longer than she. Aside from the fact that her personality is one that is more self contained, holds things in more, and mine, everything is worn on my sleeve and face, and sometimes my mouth, the Bible has some good words about this, as it does for everything.... "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech , in life, in love, in faith and in purity". 1 Timothy 4:12.

My coworker, C, said, "You're being stressed is not good for you, nor for me....." (Amongst other very kind and generous words). Being an open person, wanting to always change and grow, I humbled myself (in which the Bible has tons and tons to say about pride and humility), and I agreed, yes, I must not get so stressed out about other people's problems, sins and failures.

Working in a program that only accepts women with disabilities of mental illness, recovering substance abuse and HIV/Aids, is quite a challenge. We have 18 apartments, and most of our women are doing wonderfully and are so encouraging to serve, however sometimes some women are just not ready to have the freedom of their own apartment.

Yes, if we don't have our own stresses and problems, and I have plenty of my own, than I'm carrying on the weight of other people's stresses. This world is full of them. My very best remedy, besides music, playing a computer game, watching a movie with my honey, doing a craft, is to put my trust, daily, in Jesus. To read His word and talk to God. To surrender all of my cares and woes to Him, and to know that God cares, even if it seems as if He is silent mostly, I can trust Him for everything. And I can be humble and hear a good word from even someone half my age. Just because I'm older doesn't mean that I'm not needy, and just because she's younger doesn't mean she's not wise. God's truth isn't a respecter of person's.

Blogging and stress.....

2006-11-04T06:04:00.000-08:00

It has been 2 months since I have blogged, and yet it is reported that I have one person a week reading my blog. Haha! My husband got 100 people reading his blog yesterday! Oh well, we have different gifts, and I am learning to not covet his gifts any longer. He is an excellent writer, amongst other things. I have my own gifts, as do you.
I want to blog, and will try and be a little more regular, in case there would be that one person that I could have an encouraging word. Also, I need an encouraging word, if even I just use my blog as a journal, with noone reading it. My work at the shelter has been very stressful lately!
Being a Case Manager with homeless women with disabilities of mental illness and recovering substance abuse, is a challenge. Most of the ladies are doing wonderfully, and it is very rewarding to help people out of homelessness go forward. However, there is always a woman or two that is struggling. It's always the naughty child that gets most of the attention. But then, we are there for the children, and hopefully, there to help a woman to have another chance to do good and make something good out of their life. "It's not over till it's over!"
When I am stressed out, that is the time for me to be praying and ask God to take care of the situation. I'm not capable to handle some very hard situations. Fortunately we have other people that we can turn to, in dealing with hard problems. The truth in situations always come out, and things have a way of working out.
To know God and be a follower of Him is one of the most fortunate and wonderful things that can happen to a person. It is by God's grace that we can stay on the 'straight and narrow path'. Having a healthy 'fear of God' is a great aid in being able to do so.

Tomorrow is promised to noone.......

2006-08-20T07:37:00.000-07:00

Life is shorter than anyone would think. I have already had probably several close calls and yet, I still think I will live to be a very old person. But really, how do I really know? Tomorrow is not promised to anyone. My first time that I realized this, was over 26 years ago, when my twin sons were born 3 months premature, and I was hemorrhaging, and not only did I almost lose the boys, but I too was at great risk.
But really, I had some close calls, and angels watching over me, I believe, when I was a teenager and a very young adult. I was a very crazy driver, and I look back and shudder at a few instances in particular, when I could have been killed with my reckless driving and certainly could have killed others.

Then, several years ago, there was the time that I almost drowned in a river, when we were tubing, a river currant pulled me under. I really thought, "This could be it". Then, by instinct, I let go of the log that I was trying to climb, and went with the flow of the water, and was pulled up".
Six years ago, when I had not just one cancer, thyroid, and unrelated to my breast cancer that year, at first the doctor said that it was 4th stage, making my husband really scared, in particular. I was just worried that I would have to have a traceodomy, but than found out it was just 2nd stage. I'm a cancer survivor, with continuing good reports, thank God!

So, what does this all mean? It means, am I ready to die? Am I sure that there is an eternal life, and this is not all that there is? Am I ready to meet my maker?

When I was driving like a nut, with no fear of death, I wasn't ready, nor had I even thought about life or death. I was too young, I was going to live forever.....

When my boys were born, and I realized that tomorrow wasn't promised to anyone, I didn't feel ready to go yet. I wanted to raise my boys, and wasn't quite ready to meet Jesus yet.

When I had my cancers, I felt, "My life is in Your hands dear God". I have found that whatever years I have left, I am here to serve God, and tell others about Him. "Have you thought about if you're ready to meet your maker? Have you thought about the deeper questions in life. Asking questions is very important, and if one is sincere, he will get the answers.

Am I ready to die? Do I want to go? I could be ready, but would like to live longer. I want to enjoy my grandchildren, the ones that aren't here yet, and it will be a few years longer before that will happen. I enjoy my husband, he's difinitely a God sent; I love my kids, and want to see them all grow, prosper and mostly, love Jesus deeply. And, I do want God to use me to tell others about the hope that lies within me, and the only wonderful hope there is in this world. In this messed up world, God is here. He has just let strong willed people to their own devices, and not needing God, and look what has happened. "Come quickly Lord Jesus, come". Please be ready, you are so very loved!!!

God with us, and hearing His voice, sermon

2006-08-05T17:42:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I will be preaching to the senior citizens that live upstairs at Jesus People USA. I have copied my sermon to be read by anyone that wants. It would be my desire that you would be blessed. Carol

"God, with us, and hearing His voice......" Carol Trott, August 6, 2006

(Read Psalm 139:1-10) Have you ever felt the absence of God, or at least, really wanted to hear from Him and it seemed as if He was not speaking, or around? Most often that is how it seems or feels. Often, He is very silent. He wants us to come to Him in faith, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see". Hebrews 11:1. "By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible". Hebrews 11:3

Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him". Hebrews 11:6.

God does not jump the second we ask,"show Yourself". He hides Himself, but when we show God that we mean business and really want to hear from Him, as we earnestly search for Him, continue to look for Him, He will show us Himself, or speak to us in some way. No matter if it is in the slightest way, and we feel confident that we received something from Him, it is one of the most gratifying experiences that we can have. "If you seek the Lord your God, you will find Him if you look for Him with all your heart and with all your soul". Deuteronomy 4:29.

God speaks to us in many ways. Through nature, through the stars, moon and sun, the universe, all being held in place. Through His word, through other people, and through circumstances. "For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities-His eternal power and divine nature-have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse". Romans 1:20.

We know that God has spoken to different men and women in the bible. Moses and the burning bush; to Aaron, who said 'send Me Lord'; through angels, in the telling of the coming of Jesus. But what about us? Will God speak to us too? Maybe not in the way we want, but if we're listening, we'll hear Him. Through the beauty of a flower; through a newborn baby, through the wind blowing through the trees, through a kind act done by someone else, or through a loved one, as I have been blessed through, a wonderful Christian husband, Jon, where God has done much healing in me, I do hear God's voice often.

I would like to share a few other times that I feel God spoke to me personally, or was there helping me, and I didn't even know it at the time. When I was in the third grade, and standing on the school playground watching the other girls jumping rope. I was a very shy child and didn't know how to mingle with others. As I was standing there, feeling all sad and shy, the thought was impressed on me, "You are loved". Someone or something was telling me that I was loved. My parents were having alot of kids, sicknesses in the family, little money or anything left over to pour over to us kids. That Someone, now I know, was God. It was God, when I went to Catholic church everyday, Mass, where I decided at the same age that I was only going to pray to God, not the saints. When I was 15 yrs old, and experiencing a traumatic time, and had noone to talk to about it, years later I figured out that it was God who pulled me out of months of depression.

I was always a hard worker and paid my way through Beautician and Airline Schools after high school. When I got a job at O'Hare Airport near Chicago, that's when I really started asking questions, "Why are we here?" "What is this all about?" "Is God real?"

Once, in my search for God, I heard that some people were having experiences with God through using drugs. So I thought, I’ll use marijuana and maybe have an experience with God too. I did have an experience with God. I kept hearing, No! No! No! It was God saying no to me. That was the last time I ever tryed anything like that!

After about a year of these agonizing questions, and searching for God, when I was driving to visit relatives in Milwaukee one day, all of a sudden the trees and everything became very vibrant to me, and as if God said, no screamed it, "I'm real". In my heart then, not just my head, I knew God was real!

About a year later, I had an unforgettable conversion experience in my apartment bedroom. All I remember saying to God was, "Take my life. Give me faith". A tremendous peace came over me, I was filled with unspeakable joy, and everything seemed unbelievably brighter, as I went around the apartment trying to turn all the light switches off.

A few months after becoming a Christian I went to Israel a couple of times, as I got very cheap airline tickets with my job. The first time there I had an 'on top of the mountain Moses experience'. Maybe that was what I needed, or maybe it was the time. In the early 70's there was truly a revival time, with many young people becoming Christians, and many people having such experiences.

But what about now? What about people who haven't had deep religious experiences or touches from God that they wanted? I don't know all the answers, but I do know that God does want us to come to Him in faith, not with our feelings. Feelings can, and often do come along later. Being single minded for God also helps! I have had many experiences in my life with God to build my faith, but much of my Christian life of 35 yrs.plus, I have had to walk in faith. I am not always hearing God's voice, because I am too busy and not sitting still long enough, or not seeking God earnestly enough. Or sometimes God is speaking and I just don't identify that it is Him speaking. Remember, if we seek Him earnestly, He will show Himself.

Recently I was going through a moment of pain, in a social situation, which at different times has happened to me. I am a wounded soul, from many past hurts in my life, and so, God is still healing me. I called out to God. "I need to hear from You God', and really meant it. The next day I read Psalm 139. God is with me, and He is with me in those moments of pain. I also read in Isaiah 53:3 & 4, "He is familiar with pain. Surely, He took up our pain and bore our sufferings". God is with us always and understands our pain. Then I read something that can help me in different social situations that I don't want to be in, "in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of the others". Philippians 2:3b & 4. I heard God's voice in those different passages and have read them several times since, wanting to hear God through these words, because that is where life changes lie. God is with us. He longs for us to be still and know that He is God. He longs to have fellowship with us. "Here I am"! (Jesus said). "I stand at the door and knock. If anyone opens the door, I will come in and eat with them, and they with Me". Revelations 3:20

So, if you want to hear God's voice, seek Him earnestly, continually. And remember, there are two reasons a person cannot see something. The first reason is that it is invisible, or at least very hard to see unless we look very carefully. But the second reason is that we are blind, all of us at times. Scripture says that by nature most of us have serious vision problems when it comes to seeing God. The way to overcome our blindness is to submit to God, obey the truth of His Word, and watch as our eyesight gets better and better. Sometimes it turns out God was in plain sight all along.

[prayer]

Back again....

2006-07-15T06:48:00.000-07:00

It has been ages since I have blogged, and yet, it seems as if I have a person or two that may be interested in my blog, still. I am so sorry about my laziness in blogging. I will try and be more faithful, for it always seems as if there is a lot of things that are happening and interesting things going on in life. My blogs will be shorter, so as then I could blog more often.

My husband Jon and I just got back from Bushnell, Illinois, where we had our Cornerstone festival, about our 22nd one. Everything went very well. We had great weather, good attendance, about 24,000 people or so, safety for everyone, and lots of positive music, speakers, etc. etc. I organized the children's Art Rageous tent, and helped supervise it. We were packed and ran out of supplies. My most memorable moment was when a little boy, who the day before, kept throwing rice and flour in other kids faces and had to be removed from the flour box, gave me a big hug when his mom picked him up. The second day he had such a better day, and it only took a boundary and a lot of kindness and interest in an art project that he was making, that seemed to speak volumes to him.

Often I have disliked 'social events' very much, and other times not. I had a social moment that I did not like at all, got my feelings hurt and excused myself from the scene. I prayed and this is what I came out with, which I felt was from God. I just needed to know that God was hearing me and that I could hear from Him. I found these Scripture verses, that really did speak to me. In Psalm 139:2 & 3, it says, " You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down, You are familiar with all my ways".
Then I read, "He was a man of suffering and familiar with pain. Surely He took up our pain bore our suffering". Isaiah 53:3 & 4. (So, God is with me in those moments, and understands my pain, and where I have come from). Last of all, and most reproving. "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of the others". "In your relationships with one another, have the same attitude of mind, Christ Jesus had: Who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God, something He used to His advantage". Philippians 2: 3-6. Hopefully, in the next social event that I am not comfortable with, I will remember these words, God is with me, He understands where I come from, but be interested in others interests, don't worry about myself. You just never stop learning or growing......

To Live is Christ, to die is gain....

2006-03-31T06:13:00.000-08:00

Recently, in wanting more of God in my life, and wanting to hear His voice, I ended up seeing more of my need for God, and really how fragile and needy I really am. In one of my emails that I receive daily, I read what's below, late one night. Truly, the longer I live, the more I see that all we really need is the Lord. Yes, we do need others, but when it really comes down to it, it's Jesus that we need, who will hear us, save us, give us peace and joy.

It doesn't always come the minute we look for it. Sometimes you have to seek and call out,and wait, and sometimes, wait some more, but if you are serious about it, God will answer you. And if you seriously want the truth, it won't always be exactly the way you think that you would want your prayer answered, but it will be what's best for you. Hang in there! If you presevere, you will get your answers to your questions and problems. God is faithful! (To die, meaning, to die to the things that are not of God, that have no life producing qualities. Of course, to die literally, means, with Christ our Saviour, eternal life with God).

Christian Quotation of the DayMarch 28, 2006

Meditation: Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him,not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith--that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. -- Philippians 3:8-11 (ESV)

Quotation: In the person of Christ, the formidable law of God, which by itself appalls us by its vast comprehensiveness and truth, and makes us hide ourselves from its dread sanctity, is brought down into the life of a brother, ... and we see it illustrated and ratified in human action, we see righteousness that makes us feel more bitterly our sin, that makes us look more disparagingly upon our own efforts, yet leaves in us a longing to be like Him, as if we ought to be as He is. ... E. E. Jenkins (1820-1905), Life and Christ [1896]

Quiet time reflection:
Lord, I cannot live in the presence of Your Holiness and righteousness. Grant the I might simply become like Christ, so that I can abide in Your presence.

Child abuse and living for her cats.....

2006-03-15T15:15:00.000-08:00

You've probably thought this too, and have heard others say, "what kind of a world is this anyways", and "what else?". I just had to stop and blog, for listening to the news has just brought me to crying and sobbing. In the Chicago news there was a report that they caught a ring of perpetrators, from 4 different countries, who have been committing child abuse online. They have been doing it person to person, and on demand, live. Their youngest victim was a baby, 18 months old.

I cry out, Lord Jesus, come quickly, bring this craziness to an end. It makes my heart so sad and burdened. I know that my heavy heart is only a touch of what our heavenly Father feels, that He is very sad and burdened by these hideous crimes done to children, much more than mine. If only He wouldn't have given us a free will and had made us all good little puppets.... There is and will be an end to this madness, only not soon enough!

Today, when I was at a doctors, and the technician told me, "I only need to live 8 more years, that's how long my cats lives are, and I only live for them".

Where else do we go? Dear God, my Creator and Lord, please draw others to You, and use Your children and all the good things of this world to wake up people to truth and goodness. Love, Carol

More priorities in life.....

2006-03-11T08:34:00.000-08:00

Today is the day after my birthday, no, I will now stop saying how old I am. Ha ha. I definitely am blessed, with a great husband, wonderful children and very good friends and family. Every year, before my birthday, I get nervous,and think everyone will forget me, but then I am pleasantly surprised, I'm not forgotten. Christmas has always been a time that I tend to be tempted to get depressed or evaluate my worth by the amount of friends that I have, sending warm wishes and gifts. Isn't that weird?! And yet, I know that it is all together too common with many people. Everything that happens to us in our lives affects us in such deep ways. I am blessed to be in a community where I can talk to people about my thoughts, feelings and struggles, even though I haven't always been quick enough to do so.

My husband, who is my best friend, is my best sounding board, even though he shouldn't have that responsibility, just reminds me to tell the devil to shut up! To have a mature, God fearing person to give you advice when you need it is priceless. To have a God, that you can cling to, in your fragility, that is really priceless!!

I was so surprised, to get beautiful flowers from my coworkers. I went out to a meal with my sons, daughter in law and husband for dinner, received assorted gifts and cards, & emails, and am going out to a movie and dinner today with hubby and friends. Am I blessed or what! Thank you Jesus! You would think that next year I wouldn't go through the nervousness before my birthday, like a little girl, but it'll probably hit me, as always. More and more though, as the years go by, I do learn to tell myself the truth a whole lot better. I need both sides of this fence, for I am a case worker for women struggling with various mental and emotional issues, and being who I am helps me, not only to have compassion for people, but hopefully to be able to share the wisdom that is given to me by others, to others.

So, you say, these are your priorities in life, while the rest of the world is being persecuted, tortured, starving, etc. etc. Yes, sometimes it's easier to get through a crisis, than the normal nagging things of life. In an extreme situation it is easier to throw your arms around the Lord for your life, but in the daily on going negative thoughts and trials that tempt us, that is where the rubber really meets the road for me. It is in surrendering my life to God, just as I did when I first had my conversion experience in the Lord 35 yrs. ago, moment by moment. Every moment. Life is fragile, salvation is a process, an ongoing process, and I need to experience finding God in everyday, and every moment. And if I don't have my own fragility, this world is screaming in need, and it's all together too easy to absorb everyone else's pain. Then where do I go? I must go to Him.

Have a wonderful weekend, and week. Thanks for reading my blog, and I do hope that I can help someone else in their pain, and encourage others to draw closer to God. There is no where else to go my friend. Love,Carol
p.s. Now I am going to work Mondays, not Saturdays. Leave me a comment, if you are reading this, and would like to.

Priorities and important things in life.

2006-02-27T08:39:00.000-08:00

Good morning! Monday is a day off for me from the shelter, and hopefully, I can take some time on Mondays, if not other days, to blog. There is so much in life to conteplate, and with life whizzing by, one has to think about, what are the priorities and important things in life?! Yesterday, in our community, about 60 of us married people in the JPUSA community, attended a 'Sweethearts Seminar', presented by John and Tina Herrin, very long time members of the community. There was a lot of content, almost more then anyone could retain in one day. But, what a wonderful thing to be able to focus on your most important relationship on this earth, your spouse,(if you are fortunate to have a good spouse, and want one for your best friend). Jon and I have what we call, a very good relationship, but not perfect. Noone does of course, because we are all human and all have weak and yes, sinful areas. Only God is perfect. John and Tina did not illude to the fact that they were perfect either, just a couple that love each other very much, and work together at their oneness. You never can stop working at relationships, to have good ones, that is.

My Jon and I really like being together too, however, just because we sit next to each other on our couch, night after night, feet up on our recliners, either watching tv or being on our laptops, doesn't mean we are really always 'together'. Yes, good start, but turning the tv and computers off, and stopping and looking at each other in the eyes, and talking, is much better. Reading together, and even playing a real game together, not a computer game alone. Anyways, it was a great refresher course of what we had already been talking about and working towards, slowly.

My sisters, who live in Duluth and North Dakota, and myself, I think are coming into a realization, that we must focus on our relationships more, before it is too late.(Our sister Jane died last July 4th). Why does it take until you get so much older, to realize this?(I miss also, not raising my kids with my husbands side of the family. What a wonderful heritage that would have been, and fun too! This living all over the country, and sometimes even out of the country, has taken a toll on family life).

I have 2 sons, 1 daughter in law, and 2 step daughters that I raised. I think it will take their growing older, how long I don't know, before they see a need, or want, to 'hang out' with family. Of course, they need to have their own lives, and I give them their freedom, but yes, I have and am experiancing what is called, 'empty nest' syndrome. Maybe when they have found themselves, start having families of their own, it could be different then.

Part of my lonliness with my own kids, is because of my lonliness from not being with my own siblings and parents, for many, many years, and I have always lived very far away from them all. I love my kids dearly, and even though I don't claim to have done everything perfectly, they know that they are loved and prayed for daily.

My real home is heaven, and I do hope to have all my family with me there someday. Our relationship with our Creator is the very most important one and deserves all of our attention. It will take me all of my lifetime, and afterwards, to understand just how much God loves us. After all, didn't He prove it by dying on that cross for us. Have a good day! Love, Carol

We be Testing

2006-01-12T05:11:00.000-08:00

Geek alert: ignore this post. Carol's husband is testing her blog settings.

Live The Sermon I Preached

2006-01-10T13:38:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I preached a sermon in the 'Seniors Church'. It was on dealing with anxiety in the overwhelming world that we live in, or even our own private world. Of course I have felt more overwhelmed by the problems of the women that I serve at times, but yesterday I came into a deeper revelation of one of my own anxieties that I live, and must give over to God.

Sometimes we just don't know ourselves that well. Having a family to love is very important to me, but when divorce happened to me, it ruined my chances of having a happy family more then I realized. When I married Jon, who had his first wife divorce him also, we became what's called a 'blended family'. We both had full custody of our four children, and I kept trying to have great family times and make it all better for everyone. Jon and I bonded with each others kids the best that we could. But there's still always the other parent that the kids want, but the way that they wanted them, and us. As if nothing ever happened.

That's just not the way it's suppose to be, divorce that is. That's why the Bible says that God hates divorce. It may take a lifetime for some of our kids to get over the divorce. I lived over 12 years with someone that never wanted to be married to me, and would have lived another 24 years or so, had he not left me. You can do all things through Christ, who strengthens you.

Personally, I do believe in staying married for the kids sake, just because of how destroyed kids get. Of course I am so very much happier being married to my best friend and soul mate, Jon, but actually, not to sound too pious, I love God and my kids more then I love myself. Holidays are the hardest, and now, I will really need to practice what I preach, by giving my family up to God, even if I never have the soulish family situation that I so desire. I must not compare myself to other families that are 'intact'. I can pray for our kids daily, and I do, and be here for them, when they want/or need me/us.

Here's the sermon.

Philippians 4:4-7 (NIV).

4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

There is so much in this world that helps create anxiety. If not in one's own personal life, then other's lives around us that are troubled can cause us to feel anxious. What is it that we can do when we feel overwhelmed? What should we do when we feel angry or sad?

Most of my life I have been an anxious person. Looking at many of my childhood pictures I always had a worried look on my brow. Most of my life I felt unloved and afraid. When I became a Christian God started to work many healings in me, and even before I knew Him. I have had many things good and bad happen to me, before and after I knew Jesus. Much of my life has been learning to trust in God, and He has certainly proven faithful.

My twin sons were 3 months premature, all 3 of us could have died. That was almost 26 yrs. ago, and they're doing great today. My first marriage was very sad. My first husband wanted to divorce me right after getting married, he felt he made a mistake and could never love me. 13 years later, still feeling the same, he divorced me. That's when I came to JPUSA in '87, and in '89 I married Jon, who also had similar experiences. God has worked much healing into my life through Jon.

I almost drowned once, as I have had a few other almost death experiences. I had 2 cancers in the year of 2000. Yes, I have had my share of ups and downs, but God has proven Himself over and over to me. He is faithful.

Sometimes it is in the little things of life that are hard to trust in God. Or that nagging feeling, am I a lovable person? Do people like me? Will I have enough of what I need or want? Fear of physical harm?

Sometimes when watching the horrible things that happen in this world, it is easy to get very discouraged. It is easy to take on other peoples problems and want to be helpful, to have some kind of control. I have worked with homeless women for 7 and Â½ years now. Watching these women, and even people in my own family, make very bad choices in their lives, and watching them ruin their lives is very sad, and highly discouraging.

What do we do with all of these hard,hardd things in life, to gain peace of mind and even joy in our lives? What do you do if the doctor tells you that you have a bad sickness, or someone you love dearly has died? Or what do you with that nagging feeling of inadequacies that haunt you, that say that 'you will never measure up? What if you feel like you just don't have what you want, and others always have more or better things then you ? Here are some things that I have had to tell myself, and have learned, and am still learning:

1- Count my blessings. We have more things to be happy about then what we don't have to be happy about. Philippians 4:12, 13 -- I know what it is to have little, and I know what it is to have plenty. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being well-fed and of going hungry, of having plenty and of being in need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

2- When you have negative thoughts, tell the devil to be quite. Tell yourself the truth. God loves you so much. The Bible is full of these words. God sent His only Son to die for you and me. Tell yourself this everyday. 2 Corinthians 10:5(b) Â[W]e take every thought captive to obey Christ.Â

3- Don't go on your feelings, but what you know is true. Tell yourself, I either go all the way with God, or I don't go at all. ÂI know your deeds, that you are neither cold or hot. I wish you were eiteitherther one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm-neither hot or cold-I am about to spit you out of My mouthÂ. Revelations 3:15-16.

4- Worship and praise God! God is God! There is no other one like Him. He made and holds the universe in His hands. He made us so intricately and marvelously. God made all the animals, trees, flowers, sea life, mountains, and everything in this world. And yet, He loves each one of us very individually and as if we were the only one He made. This is hard for many of us to understand, because we didn't have the right attention when we were children, and had many people who treated us indifferently. But we must know, just because we are not used to something doesn't mean that it isn't real. God loves each one of you so much. It has and is taking a lifetime for me to understand this, and I don't know the half of it yet, but will have an eternity for God to show me.

ÂCome, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the Lord our maker. For He is our God and we are the people of His pasture, the flock under His careÂ. Psalm 95:6,7

5- Last, Surrender to God. Daily, surrender. Even if we don't feel up to it, surrender. No matter what we are going through, give everything to Him. When I had my cancers, I remember after surrendering my life to the Lord, feeling full of peace and joy. Now, when I am stressed at work, with women that have very serious problems, I surrender my day, the ladies, and myself. I haven't learned any of this perfectly, but I know that the more I do this, I will have peace of mind, God's grace and strength, and joy, even in trials. This is a one day at a time thing.

Philippians 4:4-7 (NIV).4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.