What is your Deepest Fear?

Seeing Old Friends is Great Medicine!

2008-05-17T21:03:00.000-07:00

I have a friend who always introduces herself in meetings like this, "Hi family my name is....." I have often been drawn to that statement but today it really hit home for me. I went to a wedding reception for two folks from our fellowship who recently were married. It was a gather of lots of the folks who were there when I first walked through the doors of AA. I haven't seen some of them in quite some time. The notion of "family" really hit as we sat around and talked and caught up on what has been happening in our lives. It felt like a family reunion. I love my biological family dearly and am so grateful to AA for giving me the gift of restored relationships with my family, but today I realized I also gained a second "family" in this program. They are just as important to me and my life is so rich to be blessed with two awesome families. They continue to grow each day with new nieces and nephews and newcomers to the fellowship.....I am truly blessed. It was the perfect medicine for me to pull myself back into the sunlight of the spirit which has often eluded me in the last few days.

F.E.A.R. (Face Everything And Recover)

2008-05-14T21:59:00.000-07:00

Today was a tough day for me. One filled with fear. At times I let that fear take hold and eat away at my faith. If I have learned anything in the last four years, it is that faith and fear cannot reside together, they are opposites. When one increases the other decreases and vice versa. I went back and read through the 16 different posts I have put here on fear. It seems that all the answers are written here on those pages, but remembering to use those tools when the fear becomes overwhelming is the key. I got a message from a friend today that has helped me fight through that fear. Amongst the words of encouragement she reminded me that nothing happens in God's world by mistake and that all I had to do to be successful was to attempt to do God's will for me and to be true to thine self. Followed by.....stick with what is true and it will all work out. So that is where I am tonight.....recording what is true. My head is working overtime spouting many things.....but when I put them on paper and look at them, very few of those things are the truth. If it is an untruth than it is not a cause for fear. When I can make my day simple, look at the truth, and listen for God's will for me, I have a fighting chance of finding some peace today and staying sober and serene. Sounds simple, but not always easy......but for this moment I can do it.

Mom's Weekend 2008

2008-04-13T22:43:00.000-07:00

Spent a wonderful weekend with my daughter at Washington State University's Mom's Weekend 2008. Was really fun and we had some quality time together. The weekend was capped off by a wonderful Elton John concert. He played for 2 and 1/2 hours straight!

The Next Right Thing

2008-03-22T07:39:00.000-07:00

Soooo much has happened since I last posted anything. I am all moved into mmy new place. My dogs have finally come to live with me after being away from them for several months. The divorce papers are signed. All that is left is the settlement and the 90 day waiting period.

Seems strange that life as I knew it can be reduced to practically nothing with a few papers and signatures. Anna was able to come for 10 days earlier this month and that was just what I needed. We did some rock hounding, some step work, and lots of meetings. It was good for me to have her here.

Now I am working on what is next in life. I am staying very busy in the program. I am now sponsoring 4 women which keeps me very busy and out of my head. My sponsor has also volunteered me for a District service postion, as well as, home group service position. With all that I don't really have too much time to get into trouble......but I still time to do it. I know that if I pour myself into the program right now it will save my ass.

So this is what I am doing.....and eventually I know that I will know a new freedom and a new happiness. The promises will and have been coming true and I am told by the Big Book and the fellowship that this will one day be an assest to me. So I get up, shower, suit up and show up. It really helps to stay in the moment so that is what I do. Eating lots of oranges these days.....(see the story of the orange linked in my blog).

Life

2008-03-01T09:00:00.000-08:00

Well, tomorrow I move again. The place I have been staying was only a temporary arrangement until I could find something. I found the perfect little place for me. I can't wait until it's all unpacked and I can get my puppies and bring them to their new home. I have missed them very much these last three weeks. Things seem to be moving so fast that I can barely process them so I'm just hanging on for dear life. My soon to be Ex has already had divorce papers draw up and sent to me. He seems very eager to get this all over with. I'm barely coming to terms with the fact that it's happening and need to stop and breath just a bit, which is making him impatient, but he'll survive. It will be a very long busy week trying to get everything sort of unpacked. Then next weekend Mable is flying out for a visit and we are going to an AA conference for the weekend. I'm very much looking forward to that......need to re-energize. I know that staying close to my program is very important right now while I am on this emotional roller coaster. My Higher Power has a way of making sure I do that......I had another Gal ask me to sponsor her last night after the meeting. So I will be meeting with sponsees 3 days out of the week now and my sponsor on the fourth.....that doesn't leave me much time to get in trouble and I like that. Just what I needed to get me through all this stuff.

The Eagle Soars

2008-02-24T09:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday a Court of Honor was held for my son to receive his Eagle Scout Rank. It was the first time that his Father and I had been in close proximity since he asked me to leave our house, and the first time either of us spent any time with our families face to face since then. I spent a lot of energy, stressing out over this day, during the past week. It was also the first time with so many friends....many of whom did not even know yet that we are separated. I spent some time praying and meditating and eventually my Higher Power's answer came to me. Today was about my son and making his day special. So that meant I needed to put my feelings and uncomfortable aside for the day.....It was difficult but with my HP's strength I got through it. It showed on my son's face, as you could see the pride, that his Mother was able to not take things personal and to make the day special for him.

I survived the emotional roller coaster. I held my tongue when those digging little comments where made. I smiled and held my head up I. I did the next right thing. I feel so good about that now......and my son's day was special and his memories of that day will be good. My sponsor asked me a question once and that question rolled through my mind quiet often yesterday....."Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" I chose being happy and the result was phenomenal. Today I am left with the knowledge that I made it through a very tough situation, I didn't have to drink. I didn't have to act out on crazy thoughts and emotions. It will only get easier from this point forward. I am blessed and grateful to have a Power greater than me working in my life and a simple program of action that guides me in appropriate actions and problem solving.

Steps 1,2 & 3

2008-02-20T20:52:00.000-08:00

I have found that bottoms in sobriety suck. I am POWERLESS and the actions I have been taking lately So I am back to the beginning......I can't, He can, so I'll let him......sounds so simple. I spoke with my sponsor and really discovered what has been going on on my life lately. I then had to meet with a sponsee......I was pretty down and beating myself up at the beginning of the day. The sponsee and I reviewed steps 1,2,3 and took the third step together. It was so freeing for me to be able to give her a real life example of my powerlessness today, my addmission of defeat and then be able to get on our knees and turn our will and our lives over to the care of a Power Greater than ourselves. It was a good day today.

Power in the Higher Power

2008-02-17T18:02:00.001-08:00

What a weekend.......pain is growth and there has been lots of growth this weekend. Where to begin......My sponsor says that relapse ends in the drink, but the behaviors that lead to that drink begin way before and that is so true. Thankfully, my Higher Power has spoken to me twice this weekend through others. Beginning last night my roommate posted o message on my myspace.........it read, "For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die."The Big Book Page 14/15"Faith without works is dead!" This message arrived right when I was sitting in my room premeditating my next relapse......it was a message I definitly needed to see at that moment, for it was enough to wake me the hell up.....had to ask myself what in the hell I was doing. I spent the rest of the night beating myself up for being in that space.

My sponsor called this morning and after I was honest with her about where I was she reminded me that the Big Book tells us that if we fall short and we are sorry that we believe we will be forgiven and we move forward and learn from our decisions and actions. It does not say that we continue to beat ourselves up for the things we have already done, instead we move forward today and ask our Higher Power for the guidance and strength to make different choices and take different actions.

My sponsor reminded me that I am a child, a daughter of God and if I choose to act from the place of love in my heart, rather than the place of fear and anger in my head I can't go wrong. So i have spent the day today making a list of the actions I need to take, and taking some of those actions to move forward from today and work on being the woman I want to be, the woman my Higher Power intends for me to be. The Big book also reminds us that we will not regret the past, nor will we wish to shut the door on it. I have faith to know that that statement is true and someday I will understand the purpose behind the path I have walked.....and someday there will be an opportunity for me to give back to someone else those things which have been freely given me.

Bad Moments, Not Bad Days

2008-02-16T10:21:00.000-08:00

Life has been a struggle of late. I have had many challenges this past few weeks. I went to my home group meeting last night and the topic and sharing was really a case of my Higher Power using others to speak to me. The reading was from the Big Book on the 10th step promises. That brought me clarity on my emotional state, well that along with some guidance from my sponsor. I have been on this emotional rollercoaster and I felt as if I was going insane. It was pointed out, just as the 10th step promises state, that my sanity has been restored and what is happening is normal......it is called feeling emotions. Wow.......so this is what emotions feel like? They are so unfamiliar to me that my instinct is to cover them up or find a way to numb them out. Later someone shared about how they never have bad days any longer thanks to the help of a Higher Power and working the 12 steps. When i heard them say that, I thought....."Yea Right" But then they further clrified......they have bad moments but never bad days.....Lightbulb. I reflected back and found that I had been dwelling on the bad moments and making them larger, but that there had been good moments too and if I dwelled on the good moments than just maybe I wouldn't be having bad days. Ultimately having a bad day is a choice because there are always good things that happen in a whole 24 hour period.......

Jesse's Day

2008-02-14T03:24:00.000-08:00

Six years now since that day I learned of your ultimate sacrifice. My journey has been long and this last year the pain has come more often than the joy. I have fallen off the beam many times. My commitment to you has kept me sober, although I have not always been emotionally sober. This anniversary finds me with a renewed willingness to gain emotional sobriety and a sense of peace and serenity. They say that growth is painful, so I know that much growth is happening right now. Just a few weeks ago I traveled to Minnesota to visit with Mable and to attempt to regain my direction. It was an eventful week, although it is still difficult to take a thorough and honest inventory of one's life.

I had some clarity flow into me and today I feel as though I am back on the beam. I made a commitment to myself and my Higher Power while on that trip. Even though I have been home only a few short weeks I have begun the work necessary to achieve emotional sobriety. Today I re commitment myself to you. Thank you for the gift of life and the opportunity to fulfill God's purpose in my life. For you and for myself, I will continue the necessary work to grow spiritually and achieve emotional sobriety, as well as, being true to the physical sobriety I promised you two years ago.

I love you Little Man. Godspeed, Sweet Dreams

Mom

New Leg of the Journey

2008-02-10T08:42:00.000-08:00

Well.......so much has happened since I last posted. After 22 years of marriage my husband asked me for a divorce. Last night was my first night in my new place. It has been an emotional roller coaster. There were some many memories of wonderful times and we made two wonderful children. The reality is that since I got sober 4 years ago we have grown on two very different paths, especially spiritually. It became clear that this leg of my journey was to be done solo. I have had to work hard to remember that my Higher Power and sobriety must come before everything else, for without them I will have nothing. A decision had to be made about the future and it was tough, but ultimately it came down to one thing........for me, to drink is to die.......and the marriage, the way it was going was leading me closer to a drink. I have been busy with packing and moving and unpacking......but as I begin this new leg of my journey I will be blogging the pains and the joys, as that is always so helpful for me......Thanks to those of you who keep checking here and asking where I have been. Thanks to those who have held me up during this difficult time of change, especially I am grateful for the strength given me by my Higher Power.

KVOE

2008-01-11T21:42:00.000-08:00

There is this wonderful guy in California who was for many years my sponsor's sponsor. He had this saying that made no sense to me early on in my sobriety, but it makes perfect sense now. On Thursday I will be headed east to see Mable for a much needed vacation. This will be a chance to get my Ego back in check. When I visit Mable for some reason God's voice always seems to get louder for me.

"I have a radio station in my head. KVOE, the voice of Ego: it runs 24/7 with a negative monologue. But I have the power to change the station to KVOG, the voice of God at any point I chose to."

By Jack K. (My Grand-Sponsor)

A Woman's Soul

2008-01-05T13:14:00.000-08:00

"The history of every country is carved by the hand of a man, while the hope and love of humanity is born of a woman's soul."

By Author Unknown

Out In The Fields With God

2007-12-29T23:40:00.000-08:00

The little care that fretted me,

I lost them yesterday,

Amoung the fields above the sea,

Among the winds at play,

Among the lowing of the herds,

The rustling of the trees,

Among the singing of the birds,

The humming of the bees.

The foolish fears of what might pass

I cast them all away

Among the clover-scented grass

Among the new-mown hay,

Among the rustling of the corn

Where drowsy poppies nod,

Where ill thoughts die and good are born -

Out in the fields with God!

Author Unknown

I am amazed at the way my cares float away when I am in communion with my Higher Power. When I trust in that power and try to do Thy will not mine, life is never more than I can handle. This last year, 2007, was one of tremendous growth for me......unfortunatley I seem to always learn things the hard way and therefore experience a lot of pain. Often the pain is of my very own making, mostly because I allow my ego to guide my way instead of following the will of a Power Greater than me. Always when the pain gets bad enough I remember what I'm supppose to do and turn those things over to that Power, fix the wrongs I can and am amazed at how things fall into place. My goal for this new apporaoching year is to work on letting go of that ego a little sooner so I don't have to suffer so much pain to get to the other side. I am grateful for all the blessings I have been given this past year, the lessons learned and the wonderful relationships my Higher Power has helped me to restore. I am especially grateful for my family, my sponsors, my sponsees, and the fellowship for giving me the strength and guidance to get through each day.

Legend of The Christmas Rose

2007-12-24T09:56:00.000-08:00

On the cold December night, everybody was coming to see their new Savior and brought Him all kinds of gifts and presents. The three Wise Men came in with their valuable gifts of myrrh, frankincense and gold and offered them to Baby Jesus. At that point of time, a shepherd maiden who had come to see and visit the Christ Child also reached the door of the stable. However, she was very poor and had nothing to offer the child. She felt helpless and was quietly weeping outside the door. She had searched for flowers all over the countryside but there was not even a single bloom to be found in the bitter winters.An angel outside the door was watching over her and knew about her fruitless search. He took pity on her and when he saw her head drooped down in sorrow, gently brushed aside the snow at her feet, from where a beautiful cluster of waxen white winter roses sprang up with pink tipped petals. The, he softly whispered in the shepherdess's ears that these Christmas roses are more valuable than any myrrh, frankincense or gold for they are pure and made of love. The maiden was pleasantly surprised when she heard those words and joyfully, gathered the flowers and offered them to the Holy Infant, who smiled at her with gratitude and satisfaction.

The Christmas Tablecloth

2007-12-15T07:35:00.000-08:00

The Tablecloth Christmas Story

The brand new pastor and his wife, were newly assigned to their first ministry. They were supposed to reopen a church in suburban Brooklyn. They arrived in early October excited about their opportunities. When they saw their church, it was very run down and needed much work. They set a goal to have everything done in time to have their first service on Christmas Eve.They worked hard, repairing pews, plastering walls, painting, etc., and on December 18 were ahead of schedule and just about finished. On December 19 a terrible tempest - a driving rainstorm hit the area and lasted for two days. On the 21st, the pastor went over to the church. His heart sank when he saw that the roof had leaked, causing a large area of plaster about 20 feet by 8 feet to fall off the front wall of the sanctuary just behind the pulpit, beginning about head high.The pastor cleaned up the mess on the floor, and not knowing what else to do, postponed the Christmas Eve service and headed home. On the way he noticed that a local business was having a flea market type sale for charity so he stopped in. One of the items was a beautiful, handmade, ivory colored, crocheted tablecloth with exquisite work, fine colors and a Cross embroidered right in the center. It was justthe right size to cover up the hole in the front wall. He bought it and headed back to the church. By this time it had started to snow. An older woman running from the opposite direction was trying to catch the bus... She missed it. The pastor invited her to wait in the warm church for the next bus 45 minutes later. She sat in a pew and paid no attention to the pastor while he got a ladder, hangers, etc., to put up the tablecloth as a wall tapestry. The pastor could hardly believe how beautiful it looked and it covered up the entire problem area.Then he noticed the woman walking down the center aisle. Her face was like a sheet.. "Pastor," she asked, "where did you get that tablecloth?"The pastor explained. Then the woman asked him to check the lower right corner to see if the initials, EBG were crocheted into it there. They were. These were the initials of the woman, and she had made this tablecloth 35 years before, in Austria.The woman could hardly believe it as the pastor told how he had just gotten the Tablecloth. The woman explained that before the war she and her husband were well-to-do people in Austria. When the Nazis came, she was forced to leave. Her husband was going to follow her the next week. He was captured, sent to prison and she never saw her husband or their home again.The pastor wanted to give her the tablecloth, but she made the pastor keep it for the church. The pastor insisted on driving her home, that was the least he could do.. She lived on the other side of Staten Island and was only in Brooklyn for the day, doing a housecleaning job.What a wonderful service they had on Christmas Eve. The church was almost full. The music and the spirit were great. At the end of the service, the pastor and his wife greeted everyone at the door and many said that they would return.One older man, whom the pastor recognized from the neighborhood continued to sit in one of the pews and stare, and the pastor wondered why he wasn't leaving.The man asked him where he got the tablecloth on the front wall because it was identical to one that his wife had made years ago when they lived in Austria before the war and how could there be two tablecloths so much alike.
He told the pastor how the Nazis came, how he forced his wife to flee for her safety and he was supposed to follow her, but he was arrested and put in prison.. He never saw his wife or his home again in all these 35 years.The pastor asked him if he would allow him to take him for a little ride. They drove to Staten Island and to the same house where the pastor had taken the woman three days earlier. He helped the man climb the three flights of stairs to the woman's apartment, knocked on the door and he saw thegreatest Christmas reunion he could ever imagine.

When I Dream of Christmas

2007-12-08T22:00:00.000-08:00

When I Dream of Christmas

When I dream of Christmas,

I dream of wondrous things,

of mistletoe and holly,

and joy the season brings,

Of snowy fields,

and rosy cheeks,

sleds careening fast and sleek,

houses lighted, festive, gay,

preparing for that special day

When family gathers ‘round the tree,

anticipating what will bein Christmas boxes tied up tight,

colorful wrappings shining bright,

Sharing love and laughter there,

while grandpa snoozes in his chair,

dinner served with all the trimmings

as we await New Year’s beginnings

Children scurried off to bed,

on goose-down pillows rest their head,

saying prayers for blessings given,

thanking Him, our Lord in Heaven

Grandma reading ‘bout the One,

Jesus Christ, His only Son,

enduring pain and sins of man,

King of Kings, the great “I AM”

When I dream of Christmasand wondrous things…
by Tamara Hillman. Copyright 2004

Found this poem recently and liked it so I thought I would share it here. Hope you enjoy too.

The Christmas Tree

2007-12-06T19:18:00.001-08:00

The tradition of having an evergreen tree become a symbol of Christmas goes back past recorded written history. The Druids in ancient England & Gual and the Romans in Europe both used evergreen branches to decorate their homes and public buildings to celebrate the Winter Solstice. Over the years, these traditions were adopted by Christians, who incorporated them as part of their Christmas holiday celebration. Trees used specifically to celebrate Christmas are mentioned in the early 1600's in Germany and surrounding countries. The families would set up these trees in a prominent location of their home and decorate them with colored paper, small toys, food, and sometimes candles. As these people moved or immigrated to other countries, they brought this tradition with them. Through the years many different things were used to decorate Christmas trees. As the world moved into the 1900's, many trees were decorated with strings of popcorn, homemade cards and pictures, cotton to look like snow, candy in all shapes and sizes, and occasionally, fancy store made glass balls and hand blown glass figurines. Candles were sometimes used, but often caused devastating fires, and many different types of candle holders were devised to try to prevent tree fires. Electric tree lights were first used just 3 years after Thomas Edison has his first mass public demonstration of electric lights back in 1879. The early Christmas tree lights were handmade and quite expensive.
Today, Christmas tree ornaments can be found in nearly every size, color, and shape imaginable, and they are used to decorate the millions of Christmas trees used throughout the world.

Tonight we trimmed the tree at our house. This is the first year our daughter is putting up her own tree, so our's is bare of all her ornaments. Much as I hate change, life happens. We are moving to a new phase of our lives. With my son being a senior in high school this year, this will be our last season with a kid in the house. The kids plan to rent a house together next year as it will be the only year they are in college together. Fortunately it is just across town so we still see them a lot. I'm looking forward to the next phase of life even though I'm sad too.

Pure Joy is Contagious

2007-12-05T07:52:00.000-08:00

Last night I attended the County wide Christmas dance for adults with developmental disabilities. I'm absolutley exhausted today. I am also striving today to be more like those clients I serve everyday. I learned what true jod and hapiness looks like while at this event. I have learned so much from serving these folks....they have taught me about joy, hapiness, over coming adversity, positive outlooks, honesty, unconditional love to name just a few. I never sat last night, I just got passed from one person to the next, and the joy was contagious. I left the dance on a kind of high, a high that only true happiness brings. I am so grateful that God has guided me into this career path. Though there are struggles, stresses and heartache, though I don't make very much money, this is by far the most rewarding thing I've ever done in my life. I actually look forward to getting up and going to work.

I am also filled with gratitude and awe this morning thinking of my baby girl. She turns 21 today....hard for me to believe it has been that long that she has been here to bring us joy.

Step 11

2007-12-02T15:11:00.000-08:00

"On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct out thinking, especially asking that it be diverced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.

In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried for a while. What used to be a hunch or occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumptions in all sorts of absurd actions and as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely on it.

We usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems. We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pay for our own selfish ends. Many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn't work. You can easily see why......

As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.

It works - it really does.

We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined. But this is not all. There is action and more action. "Faith without works is dead.""

Alcoholics Anonymous pp. 86-88

I am at a point in my journey where I am facing a lot of uncertainty and a lot of decisions. That creates a sense of restlessness, irritability and discontentedness. I know what I need to do to alieveate those feelings. The name of the game for me is ACTION. I need to get back to the basics and take action....thinking it and knowing it will get me drunk....doing it can save my life. So for me that means that I'm attending as many meetings as I can fit into my schedule....and concentrating on step 11. Strength and guidance will get me through this time and inorder to use the strength and guidance that is sitting there waiting for me to use I have to do the foot work to go get it. Communication with my Higher Power is the answer. So I'm reading those pages that give me direction and strength (62, 83-88, 417-420, 512-521) and working hard at prayer and meditation. I am also making myself available to my sponsee more often and meeting with my sponsor more often. These are the basic tools I have learned inside the rooms and they always work if I take the action. Everything will work out and I will be okay. Early on it was difficult to understand that. I had to learn that I don't know what "okay" looks like and I don't know what "work out" looks like.....so i leave those things to my Higher Power and trust that even though I may not think so at the moment, the path he leads me on is the one I need to be on. Today I am grateful to be an alcoholic......because I have a program of action to guide me through my day.

Another great tool I learned early on was to write gratitude lists even when I didn't want to cause it would lead me to gratitude....and sure enough it does....so I'm back to writing those everyday and I have faith that those lists will turn into actions because I have also learned that gratitude is an "action" word.

So Today I'm grateful for:

A kick ass Higher Power

The rooms of AA

My kids and husband

My AA family

My sponsor Delilah, My Sponsee Lisa, and My bestest friend and mentor Mable

The unconditional love my dogs give to me

Snow gently falling all around me

"Enough" of all that I need

The ability to walk (even if it is with great pain)

A job that allows me to give back so much

Babies!

Another chance at life

Open Minds

2007-11-30T16:28:00.000-08:00

I had a very disappointing day yesterday and was feeling pretty down. I got an e-mail from my dearest friend when i awoke this morning that really set the tone for the day today. Thought I would share it will you:

How willing are you to learn something new? How open are you to new perspectives?

Only when we’re open can we really hear what’s being said or really see what’s happening or really experience the moment.

Openness demands that we be willing to move to places we’ve never been before. It asks us to continually challenge the foundations of our belief systems so we can test out new ideas. And to do that, we need to accept insecurity.

'The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.'

by-- Alvin Toffler

You see I got some news yesterday that was not what I wanted to hear. When I read this e-mail it reminded me that I have not been very open. Not open to accept things for what they really are and therefore not open to trying new ways to solve the problem. My success is going to be measured by how open I can become to accept reality and how open I want to be in trying new and different ways to deal with that reality. It was a big reminder to back when I first got sober. I was so closed minded to the possibility of a Higher Power being able to help me accomplish that which I had been unable to accomplish on my own that I nearly allowed that closed mindedness to take my life. Once I allowed a small amount of openness in it caught hold and eventually the door way to a whole new spirituality and a whole new life was wide open. If I am to move forward from the place I am then I must again allow that door way to crack open ever so slighty, to unlearn what my mind says is the only way to solve this problem, and be open to learning a new way. Once again confirming that the key to happiness and succcess lies within me and the choices i make. I am so blessed to have this friend in my life as a reminder to always remain teachable.

Four Things

2007-11-25T22:07:00.000-08:00

Four things a man must learn to do

If he would make his record true:

To think without confusion clearly;

To love his fellow men sincerely;

To act from honest motives purely;

To trust in God and heaven securely.

by Henry van Dyke

This poem is so simple. Yet simple is what keeps me going right now. The program teaches me to keep things simple too. For now I can only get through each day one at a time and do the next right thing. Trust God, clean house and stay close to my program, my goal for each day. I have no idea what the future holds and i have fears and doubts but I know that strength and trust in my Higher Power will get me through all this and in the end, whatever happens will be just the way it is suppose to be.

My Baby Boy

2007-11-07T21:33:00.000-08:00

Its time to pick which senior pictures we want........but it's so darn hard to decide.

Yes, I am one of them too

2007-09-28T01:49:00.000-07:00

I was at a meeting this past week and there was a discussion of the classification of Alcoholism as a disease rather than weak will power. A person stated, as part of their coming to understand it as a disease, they were told that the gene for alcoholism had been identified. At that very moment my "alcoholic mind" took off on a tangent. I found myself thinking, "I need genetic testing to prove that I do not have the alcoholic gene so that I may drink again!" I caught myself and brought myself back to reality........if I were not an alcoholic would I even be thinking such thoughts? If I were not alcoholic then why had I been unable to stop on all the previous attempts? Duh.....all I had to do was look at the case record.....gene testing was not necessary to prove I have the alcoholic gene! I shared my thought in the meeting and laughed at myself all evening. My best thinking landed me in all kinds of bad spots and it tried yet again....Today I am so grateful for a Higher Power, the program and the fellowship that I have learned that I don't have to listen to those thoughts if I so chose.

Healing and Pets

2007-09-19T20:39:00.000-07:00

It has been a crazy, busy time at our house. My son's dog was injured recently. We have had him since he was only weeks old and he is very attached to my son. He jumped off a bed and landed funny causing a spinal cord injury. In the beginnning we thought he would have to be put down but we did what we could to help him. He has responded well to treatment and we brought him home today. It will be months before we know exactly how much movement he will regain, but my son is happy to just have him home. He still cannot walk and might not be able to ever, time will tell. We have lots of work to do to help him have the best chance possible.

This has been a trying summer for animals at our house. My daughters puppy was hit by a car earlier in the summer and suffered head trauma. Both kids had to face the fact that their beloved pets may die. Fortunately neither did. It has been a time for me to reflect on all the blessing that have been brought my way. With both kids I was able to be present and provide them with suppport and comfort which is something I never could have done prior to getting clean and sober. In both cases, as we dealt with tough decisions and reviewed all the consequences, it was a time for healing to take place between my kids and myself. Healing is yet another blessing brought into our lives this summer.