Poor Man's Version

That's all he poorly wrote...

2008-04-04T16:04:00.000-04:00

Well we've come to the end of our journey. What started as an exercise, morphed into a fun little diversion, got phoned in quite a few times...and now here we are.

I've made a few online friends thanks to this blog. Most of the readers here I know, but this guy from clear across the country started visiting (why? I have no idea). He's stumped the Poor Man before, and today, my final post will feature my greatest triumph...wherein I completely failed him again. It all goes a little like this.

Mr. Berg writes:
it's that time ag'in.

i.d. the character actor/pmv based solely on a terribly vague description.

here we go.

i'd say this guy is the poor man's richard 'jaws' kiel.

appears to have a touch of acromegaly. i've seen him play tough guys/mob enforcers, usually in horrible comedies. one time, i think he was teamed with the guy who played 'eugene' in grease.

walks with a pronounced limp. usually wears a fedora.

can you do it?

can you identify this man?

i am sure you can.

My reply:
I'll get on the case. Gimme a little time though - big shake-up around
here. Very good friend from back in the high school days died. Going
to his funeral this weekend.

But he would've wanted me to look into this.

Top of my head was Clancy Brown.

But I know it's not him. I also
thought Paul Benedict,

but I don't think it's him either.

I'll find it. Eddie Deezen couldn't have made that many movies.

I ended up mising the funeral due to pink eye. But it's true. This friend would've wanted me to look into this.

MB then offered:
the gigantism/monster like jaw may be the key.

I did a little research and came up with:
I'm 99.999999% sure this is the guy. I'm only .000001% unsure because it's so freakin' hot & humid today.

Jack O'Halloran (Edit: you may remember him as Non from Superman 2)

I thought I nailed it. I had solved the case.

Not so.

MB writes:
sorry to say, it's not him.

i wish it were "non" - but my guy has more of a genetic issue, like richard kiel. big broad forehead, oversized jaw, a limp. and i could have sworn i saw him with deezen - possibly with bruce mcdonald from the kids in the hall as well. when i saw him with deezen, they were playing a pair of mob enforcers or something.

if my guy is the poor man's richard kiel, his poor man would be the guy who played drop johnson in miller's crossing. (edit: I couldn't find Mario Todisco's picture)

this is going to be a tough filbert to bust.

3 hours later, MB writes:
i got it.

want to know? or should i leave you with a little diversion?

I respond:
Ach!

I thought for sure it'd be him. He's got the Deezen credit. Saw a pic
of him in a fedora. Turned down the role of Jaws that Richard Kiel
eventually got. Broke his back on Superman II, so I assumed he walks
with a limp.

I'm tapped out. It's been a hell of a week. I'm ashamed of my 0-2
record with you.

Don't leave me hanging. Please spill the beans.
(And funny you mention Miller's Crossing, because that's one of the
first movies I thought of, but couldn't get a clear enough picture of
anyone.)

MB then delivers the news with a link to this man's website:

Mr. Irwin Keyes.

Allow Mr. MB to explain where this all came from:
ah yes. so so close.

you and i were on the same path but taking different journeys. i tracked down my man in 'silence of the hams', even though 'mob boss' was probably the film in which i was picturing him. who could ever imagined that he and deezen did two movies together? sort of a bizarro devito and schwarzenegger i guess. dare i say a poor man's version?

this particular mad search began with a simple irwin keyes sighting - the boys and i spotted him limping in for chow at the breakfast place we hit on the weekends. after we finished eating, just moments after laying eyes on big irwin, as we walked to our car, my son jack was nearly trampled by a paparazzo chasing the rabid pack of his peers who were in turn chasing britney spears, who was also walking to her car from the starbucks on the other side of the shopping center. watching the scene unfold - and it was a wild scene - for some reason, i flashed to the mystery character actor who was, at the exact same time, anonymously enjoying a plate of eggs just a stone's throw from this factory created no-talent whose inexplicable fame was causing parents to pull their children closer for fear they'd be flattened by some amphetamine-fueled brazilian with a camera.

and now here we are.

And now here we are.

So while I didn't get it right, I will say this is my proudest moment of PMV'ing. Because I learned something that day (cue: "learning something" music). It's about the destination, it's about the journey. And the past 2+ years have been a great journey.

Thanks.

So now I sign off my final post with my true identity.

Hearts & Kisses,
Jack Elam

Blackwater is the poor man's Squeezebox

2008-04-03T22:00:00.003-04:00

Can you guess the connection?

Like a previous post, this one is about mommas. God, rockers were such pussies.

Actually, rockers are still pussies.

On a lighter note, I shot an AT&T industrial today. Yup, my brilliance is gonna be seen by nearly dozens of AT&T corporate drones in India. Just so you know, I brought my A-game.

Tomorrow: the final post.

W.K.R.P. is the poor man's W.N.Y.X.

2008-04-02T08:55:00.001-04:00

You know what's funny? Finding out how much I owe in taxes. You know what's even funnier? Me & the Poor Woman were thisclose to getting out of debt.

Jill Eikenberry is the poor man's Catherine Hicks

2008-04-01T11:20:00.000-04:00

Wow! Way to stay current, Poor Man.

I finally booked a gig. An industrial that shoots later this week. This is nice, because I was once real close to getting out of debt. But not anymore.

D.W. Griffith was the poor man's C.B. DeMille

2008-03-31T00:03:00.001-04:00

This is it, kids. Our last week at the PMV blog. I'm sort of sad to see it go, but not really. I've made good friends, met the occasional stalker, traded obscenities with a few punk-asses and contributed a scene for an online movie for very nice person.

Now I am free of the flu, and ready to end this thing with a bang. So I'll do so by referencing two of the hottest directors tearing up all the internet blogs.

Dennis Quaid is the poor man's Harrison Ford

2008-03-28T10:53:00.000-04:00

(contributed by Dan)

Addendum: Randy Quaid is the poor man's bat shit crazy.

Sliders is the poor man's Quantum Leap

2008-03-27T10:39:00.000-04:00

What can I say? I dig Dean Stockwell.

Corey Hart is Paul Young

2008-03-26T08:43:00.000-04:00

No poor man's version here. This is the same guy. The accent's fake.

The insurance I have right now kind of sucks. Our plan switched providers in January. They opted to go with the provider that charges more money for less service and benefits. Good for them. I'm getting the Poor Woman and I on a new plan that goes into effect April 1. Why I chose to get the flu before then, I'll never know.

2 for Tuesday: Nora Ephron is the poor man's Elaine May

2008-03-25T10:01:00.000-04:00

Out sick with the flu means 2 for Tuesday for you.

Yeah, not all these back-logged entries were winners.

2 for Tuesday: Mare Winningham is the poor man's Mary Stuart Masterson

2008-03-24T10:00:00.001-04:00

I was out sick with the flu yesterday. So here was Monday's entry.

I'm happy to report that after all my medical nonsense, I've learned that my heart is as fit as a fiddle. I'm even happier to report that my chest no longer looks like this.

Trinity is the poor man's Ursa

2008-03-21T14:28:00.000-04:00

Ahhh, Ursa. Don't you see? Your absolute hatred of men only made you hotter.

As an actor, I've come up with some interesting theories regarding how I've landed the jobs I've booked. For the first couple of years I'd always book the majority of commercials in August & December. So that meant those were my golden months. I was destined to book a load of work in those months. Then came the year I didn't book anything in those months at all. Last year I booked a promo before I booked any commercial work. Does that mean that this year I have to book a promo before I get any commercials? I just did pretty well at a TV Land promo audition, but I'm sure they're going to go for the guy with the wacky hair. I do not have wacky hair. I'm just me.

Sometimes it can be frustrating to try to make sense of a business not designed with sense in mind. I've booked jobs I had no right getting, and I've been shafted out of that perfect role. It has nothing to do with me, I know, but it still blows when you haven't booked anything in a few months. Which is my case now. Only so long one can live off residuals. You gotta keep the coffers fresh with income.

Lately I've been the callback king, but just not booking anything. That gets a little frustrating. Recently I got real close to booking a voiceover gig, and now the voiceover department at my agency is sending me out more often than the on-camera dept. I don't see myself as a voiceover guy. It's a very small world, and while I know a few of the people in it, I still feel like a guest. So I've been working with a coach to get over myself and my insecurities and just learn how to audition in front of a microphone. When you get right down to it, it's kind of the ideal job. No make-up or wardrobe to deal with, no insanely early call times. You go into a booth, work your vocal magic and leave. The longest v.o. job I've ever had was about an hour. And that was one of those History Channel narration things. My favorite part of that job is the saying of the person's name after reading their quote. Everyone's voice gets all low and self-important. "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. (pause, inflect gravitas) Franklin Delano Roosevelt."

Yesterday was a crazy audition day. I ran into so many people I knew or knew of. It was crazy. First there was Zach Galligan (most notably from Gremlins) at my audition. I used to have a crush on Phoebe Cates, and I thought Zach had the best job in the world because he got to kiss her. Now I didn't go up to him and tell him this because: 1. he's probably heard it enough, 2. how would you like to be remembered almost exclusively for something you did 24 years ago, 3. he was preparing for his audition and didn't need the interruption, and 4. how would my inane gushing help him through his day?

Then I ran into a friend of mine at a voiceover audition down the hall. You've seen Matt a bit on soaps and a few commercials recently. He's a dude. After I saw him, yet another celebrity from my youth came in. He knew Matt and Matt knew him. We all chatted a bit. The world became too small for my brain to comprehend. Then I see Kelly Coffield (from In Living Color, but also much more) at another voiceover audition down the hall. The I run into an actress I haven't seen in 10 years. I moved to NYC almost 11 years ago, and when I got here I hit the ground running by producing and acting in a play. She was in the cast. Very talented and nice to work with. It was 10 years ago this month that my first production went up in NYC. And here we were, 10 years almost to the day that the show opened. It was great catching up.

Finally, I'm at another audition, and I run into a guy I knew of because I had just seen his work. He had worked with some other people I knew as well, so I just went up to him (in the men's room) and told him how much I liked the project I saw. Awkward, yes. I'm kind of socially inept at times.

Which is why I blog.

And why you blog too.

Lynne Thigpen was the poor man's S. Epatha Merkerson

2008-03-20T09:20:00.001-04:00

"Let's get down to it boppers."

Hope Davis is the poor man's Laura Linney

2008-03-19T23:20:00.000-04:00

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Meg Foster is the poor man's Kirstie Alley

2008-03-18T02:30:00.000-04:00

Did anyone else see the PBS version of The Scarlet Letter and wonder what the hell was up with Kirstie Alley's eyes?

William Fichtner isn't the poor man's Will Arnett, but may be the same person

2008-03-17T10:19:00.006-04:00

Even though they were both in Blades of Glory notice that they are never onscreen at the same time!

BONUS PIC:
The Poor Woman came up with the idea of posting pics of friends who look alike. Since then I've posted only twice on this subject. Probably because I don't carry around my camera with me, and my cell phone takes crappy shots. But this is worth posting. Yesterday we're on the subway and these two gentlemen get on. The Metrosexual Ebony & Ivory! From their caps on their bald heads to their designer shoes, these guys were the photo negative of each other. The picture doesn't do it justice, but know this: each man's jacket was the color of the other's skin.

And that's just too precious.

Play the Poor Man's Version home board game!

2008-03-14T08:41:00.004-04:00

There are a few orphans in the Poor Man's universe. People who I couldn't quite figure out (or completely forgot to figure out).

Do they have a poor man's version? Are they a poor man's version?

You decide.

Daniel Roebuck

Michael J Pollard

TK Carter (from his Punky Brewster days)

Send me your suggestions, and I'll post them.

UPDATE: Simon "Moe Berg" Metz thinks Daniel Roebuck may be the poor man's Anthony Heald.

I'm not entirely sure. If Mr. Heald was more...uhhhh...how should I put this...doughy, then maybe.

Stephanie Zimbalist was the poor man's Jane Badler

2008-03-13T09:22:00.001-04:00

When I was younger and saw V for the first time, I wondered why Stephanie Zimbalist was doing it for me all of a sudden.

Because she was Jane Badler.

Ms. Badler, my inner 12-year-old hormonal geek thanks you.

Post Baby-Boom Fashion is the poor man's Pre Baby-Boom Fashion

2008-03-12T10:38:00.003-04:00

Mark my words, the baby boomers will find a way to take credit for the 1920's.

American Dreams is the poor man's Wonder Years

2008-03-11T11:18:00.000-04:00

Not all of these backlogged posts were great ideas.

Andrian Belew's Salad Days is the poor man's Billy Bragg's Back to Basics

2008-03-10T11:32:00.001-04:00

So this comparison is about musicians stripping down their sound and just playing their hit songs with as little production as possible. I listened to Billy Bragg throughout college when I thought it'd be fun to be a socialist. Especially one with an electric guitar. Then I realized being a socialist is more fun when you have some money squirreled away. And right now I wish I had squirreled away $4,400 last year for the IRS (Stone Bloodletting Division).

How the hell were we supposed to live off $4,400 less last year?!?!?

FYI: "Never Enough" is a good track off of the Belew album.

Schooled

2008-03-09T14:14:00.000-04:00

I had another class (w/ a pretty big TV casting director) on Saturday. Been in kind of a funk about these classes lately, and if they're worth it at all, so I really didn't prepare as much as I should have.

Big mistake.

Long story short: I kinda sucked. The casting director, fortunately, knows that I could have done better. But that's not exactly the impression I wanted to leave with her. The kind of work I did is fine for commercials, but it won't help me land TV & film roles.

To make matters worse, there was another guy in the class (who would probably be my same type) and he was fucking flawless. But that's what happens when you do the preparation. And I did not do the preparation like I should have. I have too many distractions, and absolutely no will power to focus.

One day I'd like to make it onto the very list I created, and be the poor man's version of some big-shot actor (and not of some guy who kicked my ass in an audition class). So in an effort to reduce distractions and get back on track I will be closing up shop here at Poor Man's Version. I have 20 entries stored up, which I will post Mon-Fri for the next four weeks. The 358th and final post will happen April 4.

Thanks to all who've stopped by, friends both old and new.

I've figured out what's up with Mickey Rourke

2008-03-05T17:16:00.003-05:00

He's been trying to become Bizarro Judge Reinhold.

Having a bitter actor moment right now. Just saw up close and personal the work of some folks with better careers than me (according to imdb, that's anywhere between one and two million; imdb doesn't count commercials, you see). I'd like to meet the wet paper sack these people were finally allowed out of because they couldn't act their way out of it.

I know that doesn't make sense.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Can't sleep. Must blog.

2008-02-29T00:16:00.002-05:00

Random thoughts swimming in my head.

So I had a meeting today that went better than expected. It looks like a show that I am helping to create has passed the first round of pitches and is going into the 2nd and final round on Monday. I'm working on a title. So far I've got...well, you'll just have to wait for that. If it makes it onto the TV, you're gonna have to subscribe to the channel. As of now I think there are 14 subscribers.

The owners of the Ferrari Driving School have the last name of Pinto.

I'm picking up my ukulele again after abandoning all music for well over a year. After I get my fingers limbered up on the uke, I'll move back to the guitar. Then I will upload tons of witty, silly songs that I wrote about the Ferrari Driving School and those fabulous Pintos. (or is it Pintoes?)

Apparently I'm the callback king right now, but the only thing I booked was a student film. Student films suck because they only film in the winter (in order to have a completed movie for the spring). You are hearing it from me now - no more student films. I don't need any more student footage for my reel. What I do need is a freakin' break and a L&O credit. Who's mother do you have to blow to get on any one of those three shows?

I was on 1st refusal for a job in Orlando this week. Didn't get it. I'm on 1st refusal for a job in Miami next week. I'd like to be warm for a while.

Playing the ukulele after a year off makes your fingers tingle.

Tina Majorino is the poor man's Jena Malone

2008-02-27T11:24:00.004-05:00

Don't cry, Jena. You won.

I'd like to thank Mr. Heaney over at Heaneyland for bringing this to my attention. One of the greatest ideas I've seen in a long time.
Garfield Minus Garfield

My Oscar re-cap is the poor man's everyone else's Oscar re-cap

2008-02-25T15:44:00.005-05:00

We had a few friends over for Oscar night. Here are the highlights...

I wore Michael Morgan, and then Old Navy (I'll explain in a sec).
A friend of ours works for Vanity Fair, and since they weren't having their party this year, we got a few of their treats (chocolte Oscars and engraved[?] apples - see photo).
We set up an Oscar pool at $5 a pop. The tie-breaker question: what time will the first mention of the Writers' Strike happen. My brother and I got it at 8:32 ET (with about 6 seconds to spare).
I did my best grandmother impersonation by dropping food on my shirt (Michael Morgan). Twice (Old Navy).
Our Vanity Fair friend won the Oscar pool. My brother used the tie-break question to beat out Mrs. Poor Man for 3rd place. I came in dead last...which was 6th.
Relatively few snarky comments were made. I like watching the Oscars. I don't expect much from the telecast, nor should anyone else. It's just a show which has developed it's own mini-economy, what with pre-shows, post-shows, parties, catering, swag, etc.
No milkshakes were drunk.

Thanks for the well wishes about my health. I'm doing fine, the tests were just preventative stuff so I don't become one of those folks who travels everywhere in a scooter when I'm old and obese.

Fun fact: chest hair itches when it grows back.