Fortune Cookie Follies . . . . . . . . . May Luck be a Baby Tonight!

Image Meme

2008-04-25T15:22:00.011-05:00

1. My name

(beagle)

2. My relationship status

(happily married)

3. Favorite color

(blue)

4. My celebrity crush

(brad pitt) (how original of me!) (he makes nice babies, don't you think?)

5. My favorite princess

(elfin princess Arwen)

6. Favorite adult beverage

(sangria) (latest addition to my list)

7. Favorite vacation

(scuba diving - anywhere)

8. When I grow up I want to be:

(somebody's mommy)

Want to do this meme?? Go HERE for directions!

Juno

2008-01-09T18:53:00.000-05:00

There has been some buzz about the new movie Juno.

As a work of fiction it is getting much praise for being a fresh new comedy. As a depiction of open adoption in the USA today, it is getting some harsh words from others. There is also a bit of a radio silence in blogland from those afraid to see it and / or afraid to say what they think of it once they have. (I am including myself in the latter).

RESOLVE offers this commentary and from there you can link to a discussion if you like (registration required).

Anyone want to speak up here about what you thought of the film?

One question the controversy leaves me with, is whether we can really hold filmmakers responsible for depicting (anyone's version of) reality in their fictional works.

I mean is there a rule that says that blonds can't be portrayed as dumb in movies? Or rural folks as hicks and so on . . . Is there a rule that says we can't portray certain cultural stereotypes in films? It happens every day. It bothers me when I see unfair stereotypes but we've all laughed at a blond joke or newfie jokes (for my Canadian friends). Sure, we hope that negative images aren't perpetuated, but Hollywood has never been my source of education or realistic portrayals.

So is it fair to expect Juno to be more than it is? Might it just be another comedy vying for our laughs and our movie-going dollars? Or is it an insult to real life members of the adoption triad everywhere?

Thoughts?

Moving to Wordpress

2007-12-14T11:49:00.000-05:00

Moving Day . . . same story, new digs.

For those still linked to this blog, please update me in your blogroll/links/etc. http://luckbeababy.wordpress.com/

Thanks!

*****
If any of you web smarties know how I can move my template over to wordpress, I'd love a few pointers. It's time to redecorate anyway, but it would be nice to move the links etc all in one go.

If your geography applies . . .

2007-11-22T10:51:00.001-05:00

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

WIHTH #6 (Brace yourself for a downer)

2007-11-15T12:10:00.000-05:00

WIHTH #6: This time of year has me drowning in sad memories.

This time last year:

First there was this pathetic glimmer of hope.

Then crushing disappointment and buckets of self pity. (not my finest moment in blogging)

Then to top things off, a week later, the powers that be kicked me while I was down and took away even more. (so forgive me god, God, Allah, Buddah . . . if "this little light of mine" don't shine so bright right now.)

And then there is non-IF holiday pain:

Less than a week before Christmas about* 1 decade ago my husbands mother died much too young, unexpectedly and tragically

On the very day of Dec. 25, almost* 2 decades ago my Opa, my closest grandparent, died.

So it's not all about picture perfect lit Christmas trees and stockings hung with care. It's about loving those around you and grieving those who aren't. Both those who actually lived and died and those who simply never came to be.

This WIHTH is not uproariously funny and if you came here for my usual sarcastic wit, I appologize. But this is the real WIHTH. I know I am too consumed with the losses right now to focus on the blessings. The blessings do exist. I'm just not sure how Thankful I can be one week from today. Maybe it's enough to just be present and save the thanks for next year.

*I know each of these dates, and even the hours, by heart. I am choosing to be vague here for my own sake.

WIHTH #5 (aka Mel made me do it!)

2007-11-14T08:17:00.001-05:00

This was Mel's idea and it made me laugh. So I wanted to share it with you. Mel pointed out that as a Jew she doesn't feel the same pressure of the whole holiday thing and maybe I could convert, even if just until the New Year. Or maybe have this T-shirt made up.

Then the following conversation happened I I thought hey . . . maybe I should convert!

Our neighbor who is an adoptive Mom from the closed adoption era, recently asked how our adoption was "going." (funny question if you think about it.) Anyway, just to have something to say I told her about the social worker's feedback about our profile and video and about how we "almost" got picked (if only we had been Catholic) a while back. Well, our neighbor IS Catholic as it happens, so of course she was all over this. She could sign me up for classes she said and I could convert. Or C. could convert, and I should become Jewish, because those are the two religions that "don't abort unwanted pregnancies" don't ya know? If we each converted we'd have all our bases covered.

Great idea. Let's start a new trend in adoption fraud . . . pretending to be Catholic/Jewish PAP's to gain first families' favor!

But back to the t-shirt . . . It is in the spirit of WIHTH, that I am considering conversion to Judaism. (Not to perpetrate adoption fraud on some unsuspecting first family!)

***

Disclaimer:

I wish in no way to offend anyone. I have nothing against any religion, or any holiday. I really do love Christmas in many ways, what I hate is the commercial ruin of it all. The false frenzy of buying in the name of generosity, the pressure people feel to go into debt to keep up and all that stuff that has nothing to do with God, or Love or Family. It's really been warped into a marketing ploy.

I also hate that people forget those who need love most of all at the holidays: the childless, those who've lost a loved one, older people in nursing homes, the forgotten. If Christmas was really about Love and Generosity it would look a lot different than it does these days. I imagine God looking at us all running around with Santas and Snowmen, as we ignore the homeless on the streets, and shaking His/Her head in dismay.

OK, enough of that. Mainly, I hope that I spread a few laughs in writing WIHTH, a few knowing nods about what bugs you too . . . no harm meant to those with strong religious views.

Damn, my disclaimer is longer than my post! Well, I had to get that off my chest. I don't want to go to hell. I feel as I have already been there and it's not very nice.

WIHTH Reason #4

2007-11-08T20:33:00.001-05:00

Why I Hate the Holidays:
Reason #4:

These festively depressing reminders of what the holidays SHOULD include arrive in the mail almost daily

WIHTH

2007-11-08T20:30:00.000-05:00

WIHTH = Why I Hate The Holidays* (lately)**

Reason#1 The Holidays are all about kids. I don't have kids (yet).

Reason#2 The Christian Holiday AKA Christmas celebrates the BIRTH of a BABY to a VIRGIN no less (!!!) And I am kind of mad at G-O-D anyway.

Reason#3 Holiday merchandise (greeting cards, decorations, etc.) is finding its way into stores well before Halloween. This is ridiculous and uses up what little festive cheer I might manage to summon up well before we even reach Thanksgiving. When you're this short on holiday cheer, you need to save it for when it counts. Being bombarded by the commercial merchandising blitz does NOT help.

*This may become an ongoing series
**I used to enjoy the holidays as much as the next person and hope to again some day soon

***************
Brought to you by Cats in the Cradle.

As requested by Mel/The Towncrier.

Blogtavism

2007-11-08T20:25:00.000-05:00

Go HERE to see what it's all about.

The traveling DVD

2007-09-21T10:07:00.000-05:00

I've finished watching the DVD.

I had already seen the original piece on the O show but not the aftershow and the Today show piece. The O show segment made me sad all over again. The Today show piece was too short and glib somehow. The O aftershow made me cringe. Yikes. I would have been so uncomfortable. My own religious views aside, (and I'm not sure I even know my own views some days), I hated to hear that part about letting go and letting god.

I'd like to pause here to say that I think faith in a higher power is a good thign to have. Finding comfort in your religion and in your beliefs is a positive. What I object to is imposing that on someone else. Especially in a society composed of very dieverse views.

I also think it was hard for me to hear 'let go and let god' because I hear blame in that somehow. Like I'm getting in my own way, if I'd just let it go it would happen. The whole "meant to be" thing bothers me as well. If I am to accept that I am not meant to have a child, then it makes me feel like I'm not worthy of kids rather than that there is some mysterious bigger plan for me. I also sometimes feel that my lack of faith has "caused" my infertility. If I had been in Jenna's seat on that stage or in the aftershow audience the whole god aspect of the advice would have put me over the edge.

How is it god's bigger plan that crack addicts and young girls raped by step fathers get pregnant and loving mature couples can't? I just can't wrap my head around that idea. Maybe I need to get my head around that idea, but so far it eludes me.

O seemed very baffled by Jenna's expression of shame. I think most peopel touched by infertility understand it. But, how do you explain the shame and blame of infertility? I would struggle to express that. At the same time, as I said earlier, the whole, let go, relax, what's meant to be will happen bit adds to our shame and blame.

I have to say that that I think Jenna was very brave for going on these two shows. The show's portrayal of infertility may not have been perfect. I'm sure Jenna spoke from her heart and I'm sure that the editing for TV diminishes that. Still, I think that however frustrating O's advice to "let it go" might be for any one of us to hear, and I am imagining it was frustrating if not infuriationg for Jenna, I still think it was worthwhile for her to share her story. Any time infertility is presented in a "non-Lifetime TV movie" kind of way, it increases public awareness. And while there is no way to know, I have to believe that with her huge viewership, some O fan who might have become an assvicey SIL or 'best' friend to an infertility sister, might now be just a little bit gentler to someone who needs it. I can only hope that is true.

Jenna has my respect for doing these shows. I could not have done it.

As for letting go of the dream. I won't. I can't. It's what I hold onto. I have adjusted my dream. But I cannot let go.

If I let go of the dream, I think I might drown.

**********edited to add:

Funny thing I heard this on the radio at lunch.
This one part stood out to me

Ruby Tuesday by the Rolling Stones

She would never say where she came from
Yesterday dont matter if its gone
While the sun is bright
Or in the darkest night
No one knows
She comes and goes
Goodbye, ruby tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still Im gonna miss you...
Dont question why she needs to be so free
She'll tell you its the only way to be
She just cant be chained
To a life where nothings gained
And nothings lost
At such a cost
Theres no time to lose,
I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams
And you will lose your mind.
Aint life unkind?
Goodbye, ruby tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I'm gonna miss you...

I wish it were so

2007-09-05T17:48:00.000-05:00

If this were true, wouldn't Valium be the new fertility drug??

Nothing makes me tense up quicker than being told to relax.

Who couldn't use a little more happiness in their life?

2007-08-30T11:01:00.000-05:00

You too can join in . . . Mel's Happiness Challenge!

I've been meaning to get to this . . .

I really got stuck on the defining happiness part. Everything I came up with was so glib, so trite. But those initial ideas have stuck with me. So I am going to explore them, glib or not. My first thought was: Happiness is a day at the beach. It's true. I feel so much better there. I get to a beach, a few times a year if I am lucky. When said beach is a drivable destination, I swear to you that I start to feel better, I mean really energized, when I get to that part in the trip when I'm not in sight of any beach or water yet, but I can smell it. I usually turn off the AC in the car and open all the windows and let that salt air rush in all around me. I suck that smell in like it's an exotic scent with magical powers. (maybe it is?)

Part of Mel's challenge is to choose something that we have easy access to. Well, as much as I'd love to visit the beach daily, I can't really do that.

Last week, I was at a nearby lake, paddling my kayak and I had a similar feeling of enjoying the moment, feeling alive, feeling a part of something bigger than myself. It wasn't the beach, there wasn't salt in the air, but I was able to catch a glimmer of that essential feeling I get at the beach. So, I decided to experiment and see if I could focus in on that feeling in other places. And I find that I can, commune with nature if you will, even in a city park.

If I allow my mind to slow down, if I allow it to filter out the everyday noises, I can start to hear the birds or the crickets or the quiet in back of the traffic or the human chatter.

So that will be my ritual. Once daily, for the month of September, I will spend 20 minutes each day looking for that little bit of peace in the middle of an ordinary day.

(As it happens, I get an easy start, because I am saying goodbye to Summer by spending Labor Day weekend . . . you guessed it . . . at the Beach!) But the goal is to find that peace here at home.

Traveling Book Update

2007-06-11T13:34:00.000-05:00

Bea has finished with the traveling book and has written a lovely review here. She has now sent the book along to Thalia. Bea has also expanded our traveling library by generously sharing her copy of So Close which is on it's way to Vee and Max.

I am doing a piss poor job of keeping up with posting the book's whereabouts, so I am going to give the Sisterhood of the Traveling Book it's own blog.

Coming soon to an RSS feed near you . . . details to follow.

Here's One for Old Time's Sake

2007-06-11T13:00:00.000-05:00

When I started this blog (an eon or so ago) my original premise for a theme was to use fortune cookie fortunes as my post titles and then build the post around them. But that turned out to be very impractical. What was I thinking? So, I posted a fortune now and again when it happened to fit my mood or be noteworthy in some way.

So much has happened since then, much of it squashing my belief in luck and fortunes. So much so in fact, that I started a new blog; a blog with a new theme not to mention a new plan (bye bye ART, hello adoption).

So, today I ordered Chinese take-out for lunch and I snagged a couple of fortune cookies for old time's sake.

And wouldn't you know it, they're kind of fit for blogging.

"The harder the fall, the higher the bounce."

And my personal favorite:

"You'll never find a better sparing partner than adversity."

How do these cookie makers know so much about my life?

I'm planning to take down Fortune Cookie Follies in the next month or so. I will give the Traveling Book it's own blog so we can keep up with that. And as always, you're welcome to come visit me at Cats in the Cradle (where the baby should be) anytime! E-mail me for an invite if you don't have one already.

catsRkids2

2007-05-15T17:31:00.001-05:00

Beagle's House of Cats

The cats wanted their own page. So here it is. This little blog annex will serve to keep me from posting a million cat photos on my adoption blog, because I'll be posting them here instead!

It's all about the four-legged kids!

Traveling Book Update

2007-04-16T11:31:00.000-05:00

Reader # 5 was Heather at Big P & Me. As fate would have it, it arrived in her mailbox at a time when she really needed the distraction. Please go give her some love. She zipped through the book in one night and now our traveling book is getting ready to take a rather long journey to see Baby Blues over in the Philippines!!

On: Transitioning from Infertile TTC'er to Hopeful Adoptive Parent

2007-04-13T14:01:00.000-05:00

I've been wanting to say more about the transition. About knowing when you're ready. About knowing whether adoption is right for you, right for your family, etc.

In trying to get my own grip on the issues, I went blog surfing. I was looking for others who were in the same place of transition or had already passed through it. In doing so, I stumbled across one of those scuffles that occasionally arises in blogland. It really rattled me. I mean really, "I can hardly think straight", kind of rattled me. It really disappointed me that instead of support, a whole bunch of judgement was being thrown around. Oh, and of course the infamous anon type commenters threw some fuel on the fire as well. Well a couple of days have passed and I still can't find the right words to express how I feel about it all.

Then today, on a blog I recently found, by a woman who's views I respect, was a post that said it better than I could anyway. So go read her post. Because the best I can come up with on the topic right now is "yeah . . . what she said."

Thanks Omegamom.

Garage Sale

2007-04-10T18:05:00.000-05:00

The above books are available for sale by me, gently used, at amazon marketplace. Just click on the book's cover photo for a link to the amazon sale listing.

Bye Bye Bio Baby

2007-04-09T09:36:00.000-05:00

This post was originally puplished on Cats in the Cradle. It's being republished here at the request of the Town Criers. If you would like to read along as the rest of my story unfolds, just send me an e-mail so I can invite you to the new private blog.

****
Well, it is official, our last IUI (how many was that anyway??**) is over and AF is here yet again. We are done with the biological route to parenthood.

Are we sad?
Yes.
Are we relieved?
Yes, in a way that is also true.
Are we glad we already started the homestudy for domestic adoption?
HELL YES!
(I would truly be drowning in panic and pain right now if I did not already have the next step well underway. )

It's hard to really express all I feel right now. I am truly happy to be moving forward with adoption. I am truly ready to embrace all it's ups and downs. And I also mourn the idea of creating a life, creating a family, in the usual way. I used to think I would give anything to make sweet love with my husband and create a baby together. But it's not true. I wouldn't give anything. I would not give my soul, my sanity, my joy for living. There has to be a limit to what we endure. The things I feel saddest about are things like letting go of the idea of seeing my husband's eye's or smile in my child's sweet face. I don't mourn so much the pregnancy or the childbirth but I do mourn those lost months of connection to our child. I mourn the fact that I will not be able to make sure that every day of the child's first nine months will be healthy, safe, smoke and drug free, etc. But most of all I mourn the autonomy of having a biological child. I am coming to grips with the fact that I will forever share our child with another set of parents. I will be my child's second mom. I will also be the child's real mom, but I will always need to explain that to the ignorant and reassure myself of it when the insecurity creeps in. I've always been a fairly generous person. I don't mind sharing as a basic concept in life. But when it comes to MY child, our child, I'm not so crazy about the sharing part. But, I am willing to stretch and grow until that feels OK too.

So, I'll end this post saying that I want to share something with those of you who are near the same place I am. If you're wondering whether to do more ART or give up or adopt or whatever. I know I was not ready to adopt until I was ready. Friends and family may have thought we should give up already some time ago, but it's a very personal thing and you have to get there in your own time and in your own way. So, I'm not here to say, adoption is better or right for everyone. I am not here to urge you to stop torturing your body and soul. You will know when enough is enough. And you will also find peace in whatever route you take after that (adoption, childfree, all those other choices that don't feel like choices in times of despair). I wish I had gotten pregnant. I really do. Even this last cycle, I was surprised and disappointed by the BFN. You think I'd be immune, but I'm not. I really thought maybe I could fall into that group that "gets pregnant as soon as they give up." But I am not crushed like I have been some of those earlier times. I also feel very excited about the prospects of adopting. There is a great relief for me in having a cycle day one when I don't have to call the doctor and start scrambling around to order meds and rearrange my schedule etc. The biggest "plus" about adoption is that you know it WILL work. It may take longer than you like but it will end in parenthood. So, there is also a real relief in that. There is also a real joy in being able to knit a baby blanket without feeling "jinxed" and there is a real joy in looking at cribs and bedding and clothes and knowing you will actually need these items one way or another. I can look at babies and not want to cry (pregnant bellies not so much).

So, I am sad that we did not win the ART lottery but I really am OK with closing that chapter. I am looking forward to being an adoptive mom because the important part is the mom part!

**I did not blog much about this last cycle. Losing Oscar threw me, getting Jack preoccupied me and really I was way past blogging about follie counts and hormone levels. I did count and here's the grand tally for those who like numbers:

Clomid+IUI=3
FSH inj + IUI=4
IVF/ICSI=2
FET=1
more FSH + IUI=6

GRAND TOTAL: 16 ART cycles in 3 years.

I was 35 when we started with RE in April 2004 (we tried on our own for 6 months previous to that) and I will soon be 39 in May 2007. Fuck, it has been a long haul.

Enough is enough. This was our limit. Yours may be different.

To an eggcellent bunch of bloggy women:

2007-04-07T21:34:00.000-05:00

Happy Easter!

Must See

2007-03-31T11:55:00.000-05:00

Life should not be a struggle

2007-02-16T16:46:00.000-05:00

I'm going to start writing "Dear Opr@h" letters. (Letters of complaint, that is.)

SOS

2007-02-13T17:34:00.000-05:00

What is everyone getting their sweetie for V-day??

I have no idea beyond the card I bought. And next week is our anniversary! Help!

New Digs

2007-02-12T11:11:00.000-05:00

Come on over!

Cats in the Cradle* is now in a functional state of being and I plan to mainly post there from this point on. I'll keep this site up and running, and I'll post any earth shattering news here, but for the day to day, please come on over!

*Blogger's version of password protected does not require a password at all, it just requires an invite. The down side is that you need a google account of some sort to sign in (gmail, new blogger or the like) and the other downside is that it does not put out a feed, so the new site won't show up on Bloglines, etc. To make up for this I'll put out an e-mail notice of new posts.

I've sent out invites to all who asked. Several have not responded. If you've changed your mind, that's OK, but if you wanted to follow along and the invite got lost in cyberspace just let me know, I'm not trying to exclude anyone. (All I need is your e-mail address. I would prefer that if you are a regular reader, but I don't know you, (AKA a friendly lurker), please let me know your blog address as well.) My e-mail address is beagleblogger at gmail dot com.

So there we have it: project privacy is now complete. I know some of you believe that privacy is not the point of blogging and maybe you're right, but I also know that several of you have been burned by the public aspect of this forum. Having considered both sides of the issue, I feel strongly that going private is the best choice for me.

Keeping busy in the meantime

2007-02-08T09:46:00.000-05:00

I have been reading your posts, but not keeping up as well as I normally would. I am trying to read as much as I can on the topic of adoption, specifically domestic/open adoption. I'm overwhelming myself a bit but it's also giving me something to focus on other than failed fertility and a delayed cycle.

I just read Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother by Jana Wolff. This was a very interesting read. It's not all touchy feel-y happy but it's in no way anti-adoption either, it just addresses things our PC culture is not willing to say out loud. It's one woman's very real, very candid, account of what her experience has been. And through it all it is very clear that she loves her son.

I am now reading A Love Like No Other by Pamela Kruger and Jill Smolowe
This one is a collection of essays on the topic of adoption, representing many different points of view, types of adoption, etc.

And in bits and pieces I am alternating between these three:

*The Ultimate Insider's Guide to Adoption: Everything You Need to Know About Domestic and International Adoption by Elizabeth Swire Falker

*The Unofficial Guide to Adopting a Child by Andrea DellaVecchio

*Reaching Out: The Guide to Writing a Terrific Dear Birthmother Letter by Nelson Handel

For fun/book club I am listening to The Other Boleyn Girl on my mp3Player.

As an aside: I just treated myself to an iPod after my cycle failed. I have yet to master that device. I got really frustrated with it because I mainly wanted to use it to listen to audio books. Well, I can buy them from audible dot com or the like but the free ones I can download from my library are not iPod compatible, only mp3 compatible. (The aforementioned frustration came from the fact that nowhere was this incompatibility spelled out). So I also bought a $40 mp3 player which kind of has me wondering why I need the $250 iPod anyway, other than to be one of the cool kids!

I've never really been one of the cool kids.

In other news I am starting something new next week. I will be volunteering at a preschool one morning a week. I will need to juggle my actual work schedule around this but hey, I have lot's of practice with that!

One of the things that hit me like a ton of bricks, while filling out our adoption application, is this: we have no non-relative kids in our life. No friends with small kids, no kid contact at all. Partly this is due to our age (many of our friends with kids are sending them off to college now) and partly this is due to infertility. We have most definitely gravitated towards other kid free people in the past four years. I felt like a bit of a misfit when I realized I couldn't really name a reference that was a non-relative and has seen us interact with kids!

Now volunteering at a preschool won't give me a reference (not since I want to mail my application asap!) But it just triggered some thoughts about how I can fill that kid gap in my life until I have my own. Not because I need a reference but because I need an infusion of joy in my life. Kids bring with them a certain kind of joy. That carefree approach to life that is all play all the time.

(Now I know those of you who have kids are rolling your eyes! Hey, think about it: I will only see these kids four hours a week. Chances are they'll save their tantrums for Mommy and Daddy at home!) This may seem like a crazy idea, but I'm going with it for the moment. I'm thinking of it as the adoption version of prenatal classes. Yesterday was to be my first day, but due to a snow delay we will try again next week.

Fortune Cookie Follies . . . . . . . . . May Luck be a Baby Tonight!

Image Meme

Juno

Moving to Wordpress

If your geography applies . . .

WIHTH #6 (Brace yourself for a downer)

WIHTH #5 (aka Mel made me do it!)

WIHTH Reason #4

WIHTH

Blogtavism

The traveling DVD

I wish it were so

Who couldn't use a little more happiness in their life?

Traveling Book Update

Here's One for Old Time's Sake

catsRkids2

Traveling Book Update

On: Transitioning from Infertile TTC'er to Hopeful Adoptive Parent

Garage Sale

Bye Bye Bio Baby

To an eggcellent bunch of bloggy women:

Must See

Life *should* not be a struggle

SOS

New Digs

Keeping busy in the meantime

Life should not be a struggle