Gillians bit of space

More China bashing

2008-07-19T07:58:00.004Z

Ok, ok, I said Iwasn't going to put any more politics, but I just watched the below video on the BBC and I am incensed, screw this olympics, the worlds gone mad and I hope they are a complete disaster. Flower beds, they are kicking their own people out of houses for flower beds.

click on the image for the video.

Sparkled

2008-06-30T21:40:00.002Z

Well that was a fun weekend, big shame about the numbers of people but it meant that my resolution to spend quality time with a few groups instead of my previous scattergun effort was easier. Quite a good flight over, I liked my outfit, I liked my makeup, think my hair needs changing tho. No probs, train to Basel, flight to Manc, big mistake getting to basel airport too early - dullllsville. At the gate I offered my passport for the last minute check, whereupon he started shouting my name down the line, 'errr thats me' I said, oh his little face 'oh' he managed 'you must understand, this is difficult for me' he managed eventually before looking shamefaced and waving me through. 'It's not that easy for me either chum!'

Sparkle itself passed me by a bit, I didn't see anything in the park, I was mostly spent socialising, although I had to take a morning off to go buy a rubber suit (long story but you wont be seeing pics of that!) in general, there were, hmmm theres no way to say it without sounding judemental, but there were more inappropriate outfits on show, there was a lot of sniggering from members of the public, a lot of bollocks on show,a lot of stupidly short skirts. Having dinner in Velvet on Friday, the general feeling around the table was that we were embarassed. Sigh. I know that makes me sound like a bitch but it makes me unhappy because I could see the great british public sniggering at them, and by extension, at me. A friends wife said she was shopping in the Arndale centre and some girls were sniggering at two trannies on the escalator, then took pictures of them to show their friends so they could have a good laugh too.

Does that reflect badly on the girls or the trannies?

Oh well, I'm still glad I went, just not as glad as I wanted to be.

Untucking

2008-06-21T14:18:00.001Z

Well THAT hurt!

Oh and I did take a couple of pics after all regardless of what I said earlier.

Nothing like a good tuck

2008-06-21T11:45:00.002Z

I havent done any tranny firsts in a while, today I did two. I went shopping again - yayy me. No piccies, hmmmm why not? cos I can't be arsed at the moment. I fancied a pic outside but you do scream 'look a bloke in a skirt' when you get all self timering. Anyway it just didn't seem that important. Now I'm back at the appt having a well deserved glass of wine and lamenting that there was only one glass left in the bottle and I am sooo hot (not that way - sigh) I really can't be bothered taking pics.

Anyway, my firsts, well as I was getting ready this morning reflecting on how much fun it was to have hours and hours to get ready if I wanted, I came across some micropore surgical tape, tucking for the use of. So I decided that what I fancied was a good tuck and set to it. It was a long process, I've never got this right before, and extended manipulation of the boys and their dad did result in a degree of ahem 'interest' that required a fair bit of lying back and thinking of Margaret Thatcher before proceeding. Two reasonable tucks had to be abandoned after said interest showed no signs of being not-interest no matter how much Thatcher thought was applied, basically I twice managed to make a cock ring out of surgical tape. However! eventually it worked, it seemed secure enough and proper honest to goodness girls pants looked ok, away with security pants and their excess elasticity and hot sweatiness.

So I went out, all tuck-ed away, wearing proper nice pretty girls pants, as a precaution nasty sweaty support pants were in the handbag incase of undercarriage problems but weren't needed - hurrah, The tram to town was a sensation, I hadn't checked sitting with my tape-manacled member and there was discomfort there but all worked well, back at the appt now I am still taped up and awaiting an experimental toilet to see if I can wee like this.

2nd first, not so triumphant,; first time I had a boob fall out under the bra strap, it was hot, it's damn hot this weekend and standing in line to buy a top in Esprit I felt movement, from the girls not the boys, quick as a flash I've got a boob at my waist. Figuring thats not going to help my chances of passing I wandered away from the queue clutching said stomach boob hoping any casual observer will assume the clutching is period pains. Boob was duly extracted at the waist line and fumbled into my shopping bag, 'maye no one will notice?' I think, 'oh you stupid tranny of course they'll notice. So much bending over and fumbling I managed to get the missing mammary back in situ. I'm amazed I didn't have security over checking my bags with a amount of furtive fumbling I was doing.

ooo this wines gone right to my head you know.

Oh status report I guess, all shop assistants were fantastic as I've come to expect here, Mexx being the top of a very good pile by acting like I was an idiot for asking if it was ok to use the changing rooms, 'oh course it is, why wouldnt it be?!?'

Ooooo i got whiskey......

Hoopla

2008-06-14T20:24:00.002Z

At last I did some shopping for Sparkle, I had a whole list of stuff but in the end I only found a dress and some earrings, must must must get shoes next week. (really cute dress btw)

So I bought some nice hooped earrings and some eff off huge chav hoops that I am wearing right now. I don't think I'll ever wear these out but they are fun. Why is feeling vulnerable such a kick? whether it's not being able to walk properly because of skirt or heels, or move properly because of a corset or in this case, be careful not to catch my massive hoops in something, such as my feet (ok not that big but not far). I'm sitting here on my sofa watching battlestar gallactica swishing my head about and loving the feel of how dangerous it feels having these in my ears. Even the slight twinge of pain if they catch on my neck (I said they were big) tickles me.

Vulnerable, vulnerable vulnerable, it's got me wiggling my toes.

Feels like the very first time

2008-05-25T10:25:00.004Z

or at least it did. I went out yesterday, after unexpectedly getting a Sat to myself I decided to dare myself to go shopping, a huge amount of procrastination ensued till it was 5pm and little shopping time left. I got made up (quite pleased with it even if I do say so) and debated outfits, it was sunny so shortish linen skirt and strappy top with ballet slippers should be ok.

Heck I was petrified, a HUGE amount of procrastination followed, oops no perfume, oops no camera, oops no umbrella oops, oops, oops. Sod it, out the door prepared to shock the neighbours. The shopping mall was 10 minutes walk away and I was a nervous as a kitten, really huge knots in my stomach, almost hyperventilating, just thinking "EVERYONES LAUGHING AT YOU!!". I had just planned to dare myself to buy some mayo but at the mall I went past H&M and that was that, two skirts (and I tried them on in the shop!) then stopped into another shop and got a lovely little white denim mini that I adore. (tried that one on too!)

And I forgot to get the mayo!

Laces

2008-05-18T21:07:00.003Z

I had some fun this weekend, I had to make a trip to the UK and on Sat ended up in London for a meeting. Great mate Debi suggested we go to London together then she lose herself for a couple of hours while I met. Top idea, so we went up, dined, drank a little then made a bee line for fairygothmother I'd wanted a proper corset for ages and now was the perfect time. I didn't expect them to have an issue with me being in boy mode and they didn't "I'd like a corset for me please" "no problem, lets measure you up" the girl in the shop was really cool, measured me up, picked a corset then laced me in it (then went for a smaller size - YES!) Then she left me with great mate Debi "I'll leave you to admire yourself, shout when you want to be released" damn this woman knows her trannies.

So I bought it then tortured myself through dinner, drinks and Stomp when I wanted to go straight home before getting back to great mate Debis house for a nightcap whereupon she wanted to try on said corset (she liked it and looked great) then she wanted to lace me into it to see if she could get it right (I love this girl!!!) thus the night ended perched primly on Debis sofa corsetted with a t-shirt over it just chewing the fat for an hour or so, I'm pretty lucky to have such cool friends.

Btw if I might break the tranny code and be a bloke for a second, I have to say the inside of fairygothmother is worth a look, the sight of cute girls trying on a wide variety of corsetry is eyepopping. There was this one asian looking girl, wow wow wow!!

Oh sod it

2008-05-15T18:41:00.002Z

I was cycling home last night and I thought 'sod it' and swung past the piercing place. I've got two pierced ears now - wheeeeeeee. I took a pic but I've got a transparent keeper in it and I had to zoom in so much to see itthat my ear looked horrible and hairy so no piccies.

No one noticed the new piercing today, but a couple of people noticed the original one (with the stud) the girls were cool with it 'Is that new?' 'Nice' the guys...... well why are guys such pricks? it was all pisstaking and making fun of it. I just dont want to have to deal with that crap. Why does being a guy have to involve such negativity? I'm not crying into my beer here, I dont particularly care; what I care about is that it's part and parcel of being a bloke, no wonder we want to try to be girls.

Example, a guy stops by my desk 'you got an earring!! what did you do that for? mid life crisis, ha ha ha' so what did I do? I made him feel bad about his terrible acne. So he goes off feeling bad, and I sit there feeling bad. Why can't we just interact like girls? be supportive, complimentary, nice!!

Gahhh!!!!!

and we get crap clothes!!!

Today I will mostly be obsessing over

2008-05-13T18:55:00.002Z

This

and if anyone would like to buy me a present I think I would look great in this, or if anyone could just find where it's actually in stock I'd be over the moon, sigh.

Yes I know, I'm obsessing.

earRing a ring of roses

2008-05-10T19:19:00.003Z

I got my ear pierced, well just one, the plan being to do one, let it heal then do the other when I can take out the earing and replace it with a transparent keeper. Now I could have done the other one at the same time but I think two earrings just look effeminate on a guy (no the irony is not lost on me) but I am now so excited at having an ear pierced I am going to have to go and get the other done even tho I need to the more expensive piercing so they can put the plastic keeper in from the get go. I'm a bit shocked, it didn't hurt, not at all, I mean nothing, zilch, not even like pricking your finger, now I know how easy it is I wished I'd just got a couple of studs pierced in for SParkle and taken them out afterwads.

Well no surprises there

2008-05-08T18:17:00.003Z

So today I woke to the news that the Olympic torch had summited Everest, pretty much as I expected there was completely unidentifiable video, no panoramas, no video of anything recognisable like the Hilary step, and most telling of all, no images that had the metal tripod that marks the summit of Everest, oh and mounteverest.net reported that the Chinese party summited "in spite of climbers watching live from Kalapattar spotting them aborting above second step.". My conclusion - they faked it.

It's so unecessary, theres no shame to failing to summit Chomolungma to use the Tibetan name. If they had been a bit humble from the start and came down saying 'we gave it our best shot but she didn't let us go up' they would probably been applauded. Instead they arrogantly asserted they were taking the torch to the top then stationed armed men with permission to use lethal force to cover up any fakery. They would honestly have seen men shot dead to make sure their stupid little flame was safe.

The sentiments from the climbing sites I read was 'Now go Home' I couldn't agree more. Oooo the more I read about this evil crowd the more angry I get. I'm going to stop now because I could post link after link about these executing, organ harvesting, human rights abusing, torturing, tibetan occupying liars. Everest.net was cyber attacked after posting critical articles, I wonder if this site will pop up on their raday.

I'll not watch one second of this tainted Olympics.

A bit of politics

2008-05-04T18:07:00.003Z

Years without cigarettes - ONE!!!! as of today Sunday 4th May 2008 wheeeeee.
Days without Wine - uh oh this is bad, I can't remember, either it's been too little wine to rememb er or too much to remember.

Big disappointment yesterday, I had arranged with friends to get my ears pierced, they were getting tattoos and I was getting my ears pierced but one of them fell ill and the tattoo fest got cancelled boo hiss, I am so doing this and in time for Sparkle.

This week was riot day in Zurich but I gave it a miss this year, theres only so much getting tear gassed you can have before it stops being fun, thats not the politics tho. The politics are me wondering what the trannisphere thinks of the Beijing Olympics? This tranny finds it abhorrent, I'm disgusted that the olympics was awarded to an oppressive dictatorship to whom human rights is an inconvenience. I am incensed at the lies coming from Beijing, the Dali LLama behind the tibetan riots? come off it! believe a regime with a history of torture, execution and organ harvesting, or a man respected for his peaceful views. It wasnt even close to being believable and thats what winds me up the most, some assumption that we are so stupid that they dont even have to try to make up a good lie. Oh how I wanted Gordon Clown to make a statement along the lines of 'We are deeply concerned at the allegations of the Chinese authorities regarding the culpability of the Dali Llama in the recent protests in Tibet, we have offered the assistance of Scotland Yard in the investigation and look forward to the arrival of the evidence' or some such words.

I understand the arguments about being inclusive and you can't talk to someone if you are not talking to them but come on, theres talking to them and theres awarding them the olympics, what a joke, so much for the olympic ideal.

So what triggered my outpouring, it was this: Having a small love affair with the big mountians I have been following the story of the torch going up Everest. Well trying to follow it given Beijings love of media control and manipulation. I've been suspicious from the get go, you don't just take something up Everest, you *attempt* it, now they have shut down the mountain to make sure theres no one around to see whether they do it or not, they are going to fake it, I just know it. In the spirit of the Olympic ideal the have got Nepal to site a military checkpoint at base camp with authority to use force and a mountaineer has already been removed for daring to have a tibetan flag. Damn I am so angry.

and I hope I have no Chinese readers who take offence because I am not having a go at the people of China, on my one trip there I found the ones I met to be lovely but hey, your dictators suck.

Got my mojo working

2008-04-08T17:12:00.005Z

I think I might be back in the tranny groove. After the fun of having to get made up and dressed up for Flickr Tranny Day, I was off for a flying visit to London with friends April, Laura, Karol and Fiona for dinner and drinks.

Yes I know it's just three of us but April takes pics and Fiona doesn't like pics being taken. It was a lovely lovely night, a small but nice Bistro in London, then lots of wine and nattering, well I was driving so not much wine but lots of nattering and catching up, I loved it. I forgot to check the reaction of the serving staff, I guess because I don't expect approval or disapproval no more than I would think to comment like that if I was in boy mode.

What I was really tickled tho was that at the end of the night I was loathe to change back, thats the really tranny test, I hung about at Aprils for ages chatting and trying to postpone stopping being Gillian but eventually it was late and sleep was needed. We took some pictures on her roof too which was dead good fun

Roll on Sparkle and yes I shall be flying back dressed!

Tic Toc

2008-03-28T21:39:00.003Z

Blog o' clock

Flickr Tranny Day is approaching, and just for the sheer devil may caredness of it I did a group too
F.T.D

the trannispere expects etc etc.

View from the door

2008-03-25T19:49:00.003Z

Not 10 mins ago my downstairs neighbour buzzed at my door, after first making a fool of myself by thinking it was the downstairs telecom and trying to speak to him through it I opened the door and we exchanged pleasantries and had a quick natter, after he left I closed the door and turned round to see:

on my sofa the detritus of last nights dressing up session, wig, strappy top, denim mini skirt, ballet pumps - bugger!

Wonder if he saw, ho hum, good job I don't care so much about 'that sort of thing' these days :>).

Btw, 4 more days to Tranny Flickr Day!!

Transapathy, it stops here

2008-03-17T21:48:00.002Z

Too much apathy in the trannysphere just now, not enough flouncing about in girls clothes, it has to stop, now or as soon after now as is trannily possible. (ok I'm stretching the use of 'tranny' there a bit).

I had some horrible trannying the other night, I was sitting at home, veging 'wish I was being a girl tonight' I thought, but between me and the me I wanted to see in the mirror was a couple of hours of plastering and making good with my good friends Rimmel and MAC. So the solution was easy, go to it with the brushes and the lip gloss orrrr (and heres the clever bit) just avoid mirrors (taps side of nose with finger to indicate extreme cleverness). So it started easy enough, I just slipped a skirt on, my legs were shaved anyway so I didn't have to catch sight of non girly legs. Skirt led half an hour later to a top, a top didn't feel right without boobs, so on went a bra and boobies, then intoxicated by this feeling of feminine grace and beauty on went a wig and then it all went wrong. Concerned that my faux hair was sitting like a patient but rather scruffy cat atop my noggin I stole a glance at a mirror - Oh You Stupid Tranny!!!! I looked ridiculous, the fragile mental image that I had managed to construct came crashing down, from Sandra Bullock to Sundry Bollox in one short look.

I got really really embarassed and couldn't get everything off quickly enough, I think thats what a 'normal' (for values of normal) bloke would feel wearing girls clothes, silly, very very silly. Lesson learned.

However, like the song, the malaise remains the same sooooo I propse Flickr Tranny Day, I Gillian Stuart, being a transvestite of sound mind and sexy body (I made that bit up) do hereby commit to posting a picture on flickr of me wearing girls clothes on 29th March 2008, said pic to be taken anytime in the preceeding two weeks.

There! I've said it, now who else is up for it? get up off your arses and be men, get that slap on and get into that dress! are we trannies or are we err normal people. No excuses, no 'too busy' no 'too tired' no 'but I'm in prison'. Just do it!

Blimey

2008-03-05T19:13:00.002Z

days without cigarettes, heck knows but somewhere over 300

where have the last few weeks gone? I'm suffering from a malaise, I just can't be @rsed at the moment, which isn't to say I don't want to run about the place in girls clothes, it's just that when it comes down to it I can't be bothered making the effort. In an ideal world I'd have a makeup artist and dresser every morning to make me look gorgeous for the day ahead, probably a full time epilationist too (not sure if that exists or not but it damn well should do). I'm not sure I can even be bothered to go to Sparkle this year but I reckon I will, if only to see friends who I am sadly losing touch with and this year I shall be more focused in my socialising instead of the scatter gun approach I seem to adopt.

In other news, I had a friend over this weekend and outed myself to her, rather odd, she sent me an xmas card of a father christmas wearing stockings under his outfit and said 'this made me think of you' so I quized her about it and she eventually broke under questioning and said she could just imagine me wearing womens underwear, tch the cheek of it, so I told her and she was cool about it and borrowed some clothes too.

I came across this by accident, I thought a 10 minute video was too long to watch (ok I have a short att - oooo look a butterfly) but 25 seconds into it I was hooked, get to 25 seconds and you'll see why. Theres quite a lesson there and a helluva message to digest.

Feeling flat

2008-01-20T19:44:00.000Z

Bit glum today, not anything drastic, just a little ennui. There seems to be an air of apathy around the blogsphere just now and I'm suffering a little from it. Either that or I'm just having a dull life not worth writing about. One thing tho

It's a name not an adjective!

it miffs me seeing adjectives in names, the most common in tranny world seem to be 'sexy' or 'tart' eg SexySarah, LindaTVTart (these names are fictional and any resemblance to any trannies alive or dead is totally coincidental) I don't get it, whats wrong with just having a name? it's not like it's your real name.

Also feeling a little selfishly glum. A friends just had a date that she said went really well and that just underlined my single status. Not that I'd have been filled with glee had her date been a washout, quite the opposite but I've been feeling a little lonely since the ayahuasca caused my ex obsession to become an ex-obsession (how clever was that?). Seems my obsession was keeping me company.

In interesting news, who has heard of Henry Rollins? well not me, but I got invited to go along to one of his spoken word 'concerts' damn it was good, what an interesting and articulate bloke, a very pleasant couple of hours were passed listening to his tales of travel and his viewpoint on life. Then a quick youtube search later and I'm watching him on stage beating up someone from the audience, funny old world.

But I wouldn't like to paint it

No thats wrong isn't it.

Thank you Mexx

2008-01-05T20:35:00.000Z

This week I've been mostly obsessing over a Mac and I don't mean a computer. I just saw it by accident in Mexx and dared myself to go and try it on, so I did with all my German ready for 'it's for me is that ok?' well no one approached me in the shop so I just tried it on (I decided it was too tight) and left feeling like a wierdo as no one had spoken to me. So all week I've been dreaming about it it's been calling to me, so this morning I went off to Zurich to another Mexx store to look for the larger size. Heart beating strongly and too fast as I approached the store, from a combination of going to be open about wearing girls clothes and expecting to have to use my rubbish German. A lovely assistant bounded up and I asked for the size I wanted and she explained that it was unlikely there was that larger size but she grabbed the largest they had and asked if I wanted to try it on ( I don't know how she guessed so quick) so I asked her to confirm if I could try it on looking at her eyes for any reaction (I do that). Nothing, nada, zilch, no reaction nothing to indicate that any oddness was happening 'Of course' she said and held it for me to stick my arms in it, some humming and hawing and looking in a mirror and I decided to buy it.

What a lovely, lovely experience I was buzzing all the way home from that sort of acceptance. When I got home and tried it without the heavy jumper I was wearing and it was perfect, I love it I love it I love it.

I really really love it.

[Some hours pass]

I love it so much I had to get a piccie in it

Merry Xmas

2007-12-25T22:06:00.000Z

Hello all, Christmas day blogger here, funny old xmas for me, after the ayahuasca fuelled trip that was Peru I decided not to do anything for xmas, which has left me chomping at the bit, this is the first time in 5 years I've been in the western world at xmas.

Ho hum, still I got some trannying in, at the weekend I flew to a friends to go to a wedding, that was great fun and I got for the second time compliments on the dance floor. Well sort of compliments, forgive the boy side for a second, but I'd just bought some new clothes, and dammit I looked bloody good, then a girl I'd not met before summonsed me onto the floor and after few mins the following conversation ensued

Her: So unusual to see a guy who can dance
Me: Hey thanks
Her: But you are gay aren't you
Me: No
Her: oh come on you are so gay
Me: No I'm not
Her: Not even Bi?
Me: No piss off
Her: but you can dance and you look great

That was not the first comment like that I got that night, the bride wanted her hair down, and I got stuck into pulling out the hair clips which I love doing, it's like a treasure hunt, 'Oh you are so gay' said the girl who was also digging out the clips (for the record 83 clips) hmph!

Oh yeah the trannying, well the day after the wedding I had free so I had booked up a meal and theatre and had warned my two RG companions I would be doing it as Gillian, they are totally cool with it. On the way I got a call from the lovely Jenny Jackson who was at a loose end, so as a nice surprise she was able to get tickets to the show too. What a lovely night, good company, good theatre and me in a skirt, happy sighs and it felt just soo sooo natural, you really do forget that this is an evil terrible thing to do sometimes.

Sometimes you can't get away # 2

2007-12-13T20:34:00.000Z

Officially freaking out right now, my gob is well and truly smacked. I just got an email sent to my boy account and on the cc list was the email of Karol Cross. I only saw it as I deleted the email and thought 'was that a Karol with a K?' so I pulled out out the trash and there it is Karol Cross. So I'm freaking and mailed her to find out the connection, then couldn't wait, so texted her and then gave up on all that and called her.

I posted this about my ayahuasca trip and the girl I mention at the end - Kellee - is the same Kellee as here

I'm just sitting here shaking my head, I can't believe this coincidence. Wow this ayahuasca is some wierd stuff :>)

Wow wow wow.

and again

WOW! I wish I still smoked.

Sometimes you just can't get away

2007-12-07T18:35:00.000Z

Days without cigarettes - 217
Days without wine - slurp!

Theres not been a lot blog worthy in Gillians world of late, some minor wearing of girls clothes. I had to get a photo of me in the chemise Linds got me for my birthday. How cool is that? not only did she buy me it but she actually wanted to see me in it too!.

Today I got an email from a friend I've not seen in a while, she'd started a new job and met someone we both used to work with. Conversation turned to people we used to work with and the ex and I came up and then my friend said the 'prying' started. "So why did they break up because I've heard some very odd stories' . 'Odd' sighs, slumps shoulders. I've known so many cool people of late I've forgotten that in some circles I'm a figure of fun to be gossiped over. It doesn't hurt, not really, but it does make me a little sad. I don't feel any need to set the record straight on why we did break up and I don't particularly care what this person thinks of me, I'm just a bit disappointed in her.

My friend who we'll call Kirsti (for that is her name) scored full marks by cutting the pryer short "Well I think it's their business and I don't think people should be speculating or having an opinion when the only people who really know are them". See what I mean about the cool friends? Kirsti knows by the way, I told her before I left the UK and she was, as I expected, cool about it.

and now I think I shall go and wear a dress.

Ayahuasca Epilogue

2007-11-13T19:04:00.000Z

Remember how the 'Streets of San Francisco' on TV always had an epilogue?. Two weeks on, I'm missing the camp dreadfully. This was far and away the strangest and most amazing experience I have ever had. I know how it sounds, it seems mad to me and I was there, friends nod and smile when I tell them about it 'and then I turned into a hawk!' usually gets them. Before I went I thought about my ex about 12 times a day (yeah I counted!). Now it's about once every 3 days and it doesn't hurt any more, the revelation on the first ceremony that 'I don't need you in my life' holds true, I don't need to think about her, or wonder what she's doing, or if she ever thinks of me or cry over her or surf for her. I wouldn't even freak to meet her and her husband.

Intially I tried to rationalise everything into terms I was more comfortable with, perhaps 'dark spirits' were just the negative thoughts your subconscious throws at you. What if dealing with a spirit in a vision was just teaching your brain a new way to think, what if the visions are just the metaphors you use in dreams, then I thought 'Why bother?' so I just talk about spirits like the shamans did.

When I thought about Julia before she was in the front of my head, it felt like she burned just behind my forehead, now when I think of her, it's at the back of my head, where the memories live. I'm at peace and I'm ready to love again so bring it on. I'm clear of what and who I am, Gillian is just a part of the boy, I used to see boy me and girl me as two separate beings but now I'm just one person mostly boy, ocassionally girl.

I lost weight while I was there, I'm lighter than I've been in years and it's stayed stable for two weeks, I've even got a waist! The ayahuasca stays with us according to the shamans, we can still ask it's help, which I do. I'm still in touch with all the people who took part in the ceremonies, they were a great bunch, every space cadet, tree hugging last one of them.

Whats more I feel happy. I was able to look myself straight in the subconscious and say 'I love me'. I've been trying to come up with ways to explain it to people, one was that you can't lie to yourself with it, imagine being able to talk to your sub-conscious without any layers of ego justifying your actions. Imagine too that you were shown how to do something say being happy, so you were able to say 'Oh THATS what it feels like, ahh now I know how to do it'

This was the best thing I've ever done and I commend it to the house.

Normal service about me wearing girls clothes resumed now, but if you want to read someone elses experience then have a look at this, this is the article that made me decide to go, read about it in National Geographic.

Final Ceremony

2007-11-12T21:46:00.000Z

(If you didn't read part 1 it'll be better in order, scroll down or else it's here)

I spent the Thursday before the final ceremony calming myself, going into the second ceremony scared was not clever. I also decided that I should go in with a clear plan of what I was doing, the major issues I wanted to cover had been dealt with in the first ceremony and that put me on the back foot a bit. So I decided I wanted to see if I could see a past life and to find out my power animal. The shamans believe you have an animal spirit that watches and guards you, this is your power animal.

Again I asked the shaman to ask the medicine spirits to decide my serving. The ayahuasca was not maturing well. This was revolting, seriously amazingly gut wrenchingly disgusting, I rinsed and rinsed my mouth to try and get rid of the taste and kept spitting gobs of ayahuasca flavoured spit - ugh.

I'm feeling calm though, whatever will happen is going to be ok, if I purge then I purge, I can deal with it. Everyone drinks and the icaros start, I'm just enjoying being there and lie down to await whats going to happen. My skin starts tingling as the ayahuasca takes effect and I see orange geometric patterns moving in the air, then suddenly I am in a room sized box made of orange fabric, theres a lot of light outside and wind blows the fabric of the walls and roof, the floor opens beneath me and below me is another orange fabric room, with no floor, and another and another forming a long tunnel of fabric boxes. I fall down the tunnels and at the end I'm left floating above a field.

In the field is a girl working, she's dressed in a white hair triangle, brown floor length skirt, off-white apron. She is bent over and I can't see her face but I think this is me in the past. I want to get close to her but I can't and find myself back in the cermonial house. Somethings feeling funny with me, my head's not right, it feels like it's lengthening and my fingers are curling back, my head extends into a beak and I turn into a hawk, this must be my power animal. Desperate to fly I'm disappointed to be dumped back in the room, it was only to be a fleeting glimpse. As I lie there I feel figures above me. A succession of people in red cloaks with shadowy faces who lean over me and smile kindly. It never occurs to me to challenge if they are here for my greater good; it seems clear they mean me no harm.

Then very very suddenly it's all over, I open my eyes and I'm back in the room, everything is normal, I feel as I did before I drank the ayahuasca, checking my watch I see it's only been an hour since the ceremony started and already the effects have cleared. I haven't even purged. Theres no euphoria, just a feeling of peace, like at the end of a job well done. After all the fear of before, after getting myself calm and ready to face whatever happened it was a non event, nothing even slightly unpleasant. I feel a mild need to purge, nothing urgent. and lean over my bucket vomiting slightly, what comes out is thin and almost clear. I ask the ayahuasca what I purged, the reply comes back 'Just me' like there was nothing for it to do so it was just getting rid of itself.

Sitting up I look around the room in the dim light and watch the shamans and the other participants in their ceremonies, this is strange, the same amount of ayahuasca I had last night that affected me for hours has now burned through me in an hour, this is a strange strange brew. Theres a change in the icaros and I can see Hamilton, the shaman, get unsteadily to his feet and move to Don Alberto, the head shaman. Hamilton collapses to sit on the floor in front of Don Alberto and Don Albertos apprentice is on his feet behind Hamilton, they are both singing icaros to him. Kellee, one of Hamiltons apprentices notices and despite her broken leg hobbles over to take position behind Hamilton and joins in the icaros.

Something is not right and even though there are only three or four of us awake and watching there is considerable tension. Hamilton lets out a long moan, another apprentice takes position around him and they work on Hamilton for about 10 minutes until he starts to move again. 'Hey guys, it's just a little ayahuasca, thank god it's not a lot' he calls, and gets unsteadily to his feet and back to his seat 'what were we doing?' the tension breaks and he leads a new icaro. Tempted to ask for more ayahuasca as i feel totally normal again I decide not to push it, I answered tonights questions and I just lie back till the lights are re-lit. The atmosphere is good as the ceremony ends but it's not as playful as before, Hamilton tries to be jolly but it seems forced, something happened tonight and he's not well.

Sadly I gather my things and say goodbye to the last ceremony. The next day I talk to Kellee, she tells me that Hamilton had been attacked during the ceremony, many of the Peruvian shamans want to harm him because he's white and want to harm Don Alberto for teaching him, so they attack during the ceremonies. Tonight Hamilton got hit.

Ayahuasca 2

2007-11-03T11:49:00.001Z

(If you didn't read part 1 it'll be better in order, scroll down or else it's here)

As soon as I drink the disgusting tasting mix I regret it, 'what am I doing?' 'why did I do this? I'm just going to go through hell again'. As the ayahuasca takes hold I'm desperate to purge it, the longer it's in me the more scared I am getting, the icaros start and I am leaning over the bucket willing myself to get rid of it but no joy, it'll come when it's ready. As soon as my skin tingles from the initial effects I am fighting it all the way 'lie still', 'sleep through it' every time a vision is offered I start thinking of something normal to counter it. Questions are being asked of me 'Who are you?' 'What do you want?' and I am trying to think about visiting friends anything normal. 'Ayahuasca bring me peace' I ask, 'Ayahuasca bring me acceptance of change', 'Ayahuasca give me sleep'. A bird appears to me, it might be a hawk but it's head seems to be changing around, perhaps an eagle now, I'm not sure. I really don't want this. This goes on for a while, fighting the ayahuasca and desperate to purge when I realise what the lesson is,

'Own your decisions'

I freely chose to drink this, theres no point in whinging about it after the fact, I couldn't even claim ignorance as I knew what was involved from last night. That reflected a lot of my life too, where I chose one path, then regret it and moan about not going another way. Almost as soon as I realise this the long awaited purge happens, it's minor, whereas last night I was bent into a jackknife almost pushing my face into the bottom of the bucket (the well) this is an uncomfortable but easily bearable experience. Reaching for my torch I cover it's beam from the rest of the room (ayahuasca makes you sensitive to light) and see what I've purged and see amongst the puke pink fleshy worms (yeah like I said yesterday - I know!)
'What did I purge?' I ask the ayahuasca.
'Parasites'
'How did I get them?'
'You grew them yourself out of bitterness'

Very very rapidly I feel myself coming back to the room, the icaros are growing louder and I'm rapidly calmer. This was a very tough lesson but it's over, the effects are receeding rapidly, theres still two hours at least of the ceremony left but I'm done so I curl up under my blanket and I can't remember feeling so secure and safe and comfortable, contented "mmmmm'ssss" come from me, this is wonderfully comfortable, I am really really content. The icaros are fantstic to listen to, this is the most amazing experience of my life, I can't believe I am actually doing this, I am so content and at peace. The shaman leading the icaros is dropping in explanations of the icaros as they are sung, 'Now we bring in space' next 'to balance space we call earth' next 'with earth comes water' next 'balancing water comes fire'. The interplay of the voices of the shamans and the apprentices is really really beautiful. I could lie there all night.

At one point the jungle around us echos the icaros and the background noise of the jungle gets louder and louder, almost deafening then when the icaro stops so does the jungle noise, total silence in a jungle, it's spooky. Theres a feeling of tension in the room until the shaman releases it, 'Hey' he shouts 'it's just a little ayahuasca, thank god it's not a lot' he leads an icaro that feels light and playful, most of us join in. The guy is amazing, how he can keep this up all night I don't know. The mood from now on is completely playful, the shaman is buzzing and as excited as I feel about being there. The icaro ends and the shaman is cracking jokes, it feels like a big party in there. He really is buzzing

'Who hooo it's just a lil ayahuasca, we're done now, heck it's really kicking my butt, no wait we got a little bit more'

and off he goes again into an icaro dragging the other shaman, the apprentices and the entire room with him. Theres a lot of laughs, a lot of yawning, a lot of contentment. When the lights are lit the room explodes into talk and laughter, when I sit up I realise the ayahuasca isn't finished with me yet. I'm still unstable on my feet, I spend 10 minutes getting up to standing to cheers and applause and have to get helped to the toilet area but theres no fear, no unpleasantness, like waking up from a deep sleep where you are still snuggly and dozy. The guy next to me comments on the amnount of mmmmmmm'ing I was doing and how peaceful it sounded.

Last night I had a bigger serving and cleared the effects pretty quick, tonight I had less and it has lasted hours longer, this is wierd stuff. Conversation is drifting off as people curl up and go to sleep, deciding to sleep in my bungalow I gather my stuff and take one last look into my bucket now that I'm getting to be normal again and the pink fleshy worms - are still pink fleshy worms.

That was ceremony 2.