my life

how i feel......

2007-08-01T21:15:00.000+08:00

I still feel a little bit down due the numerous not so good things that have been happening.

But I'm happy that you and I have the same thought na hindi dapat basta basta igive up yung relationship. I'm happy nasasabi natin sa isa't isa what we feel and the suggestions on how to better improve our relationship. Tama sila, its hard to maintain a relationship. It requires hardwork, dedication, time, effort, love, communication, understanding, perseverance, patience, etc....Parang ulam na pag hindi kumpleto ang sangkap, hindi masarap.

Tama ka, siguro miscommunication ang nagiging problem natin ngayun saka kawalan ng pasencia. I have to say sorry for this coz I know I have dealt with you in such an unkindly manner. Its always a confrontation instead of lovingly talking things out with you. Sa problem about miscommunication, sana we'll be able to handle this well. Sana I was able to relay to you the message that me asking WHY on things is not a bad thing and that we should be open in all our thoughts, in saying them and in expressing them. In that way, we can understand each other more.

All I know about my work is that I'm stressed out. Everyday I want longer hours of sleep but once I got home, I have a lot of things to do (laundry, cooking, ironing, buying food and stuff). And even if I dont have to do these things, it feels nice to just lie in my bed, wonder about things, watch tv and laugh about those cartoons that I'm watching. When I'm going to sleep once I get home, I feel like the world and time is passing me by. I feel like I'm left behind. I know its weird but that's how I feel. That's maybe the reason why I'm having a hard time sleeping. And when I sleep, I would always want someone to be by my side to make me feel secure and that everything is going to be ok. I talk to Arf just this afternoon. I put him in my head and tell him to help me go to sleep. I'm surrounded by my pillows to make me feel I'm safe. This is a psychological thing I know, but I really feel that way when I sleep.

I'm always at the mall when I dont have nothing to do at home. That's one thing that I think is psychological. I feel that lying in bed for the whole day is a sin and that I have to move and do something. So I go to the mall, walk, and walk again. Look for some clothes, test if it fits me well, then move from one shop to another. And when I tired I go home and go to sleep.

I'll try to take more rest and sleep and more good thoughts in my head.....

I want to keep you, i want to keep my sanity, i want to be healthy, I want to keep our relationship going.....

...............................

2007-07-31T22:19:00.000+08:00

LOVE should be the most wonderful feeling. But then I dont understand what happened to that love.

We've been friends since 2002. Became lovers in 2005. Its been 5 long years of relationship and yet a lot of things are still not understood by one another. Yes you said its not your mission to understand me and all you want to do is love me. But dont you think that even love cant save us from having arguments and fights? Those fights require us to understand one another. Coz thinking about it, even if we dont love a person, we can still understand him. When we watch the news, movie, cartoons, etc. we were able to sympathize to the character without loving him but by just understanding him. Relationship is not only about love. Though we say love encompasses all.

Communication should be part of a relationship. Yes I always ask the WHY of most things. Coz for me, everything has a reason. It may not be a reason that is generally accepted by everybody, nor a reason that is scientifically proven, not even a reason written in the Bible, it can be some illogical, nonsense reason that is coming from your heart.

If you're tired of communicating with me, I dont know how to continue with a relationship. Even the deaf, mute and blind people who are in the relationship communicates.

If you dont want me to ask the WHY of things, I feel like I'm some dumb person who always accepts things as it is even without understanding its essence. Even in the simplicity of things that we do, we can always see that the question WHY i asked.
-Why dont you want to eat in that restaurant? Does the menu sucks?
-Why did you do such a thing?
-Why did you buy apples? Are those your favorite?
-Why didn't you buy yogurt last Sunday? Did you fail to go to the Supermarket?

I remember I always ask you,
-Why do you love me? I dont expect you to answer me something logical. Coz I myself dont have a logical answer. I just wanted to hear from you some sweet nothings, things that are almost seem impossible to be understood when we love a person. I'm just making lambing in short.

-How much do you love me? love cant be measured. But since figure of speech is present, parang puede na siang idefine somehow. Something like, My love for you is higher than the Mt. Everest. It's a kid's stuff. If you saw this book "How much do you love me" in the kids section, you'll see there a baby and a mother talking. Reasons can be beyond something mind can conceive and only heart can understand.

-Why didnt you text me? Why did you go home late? Why did you go there?
I ask all of these because we have already agreed about this and you're not able to fulfill it, so I ask why. There could be a valid reason aside from you forgetting it.

-Why cant we sleep together? Yes, you have already told me about this. You already told me the WHY of this. and that was couple of months ago, or even years ago. What if that has changed already? What if you're ready? I dont want to assume things at pangunahan ka sa mga reasons mo. So i ask. But then I dont know why you cant tell me right away. Why do you have to reply to my questions huggggg instead of telling me the answer right away?

We have to understand each other. Or else we're going to nowhere. We cant always say love will overcome it. Love will teach us to just accept things. Yes it will at some point. But it will not in the long run. (That's for me and I dont know about you). There will come a time that you will get tired of accepting things without understanding it. Just like now. As much as you tell me you just want to accept everything that you dont understand about me, you still get irritated by things you dont understand, right? We will not achive peace and harmony in this relationship if we live this way.

Yung pag aaya ko sa pag mamassage nakikita ko napipilitan ka. nakikita ko pagod ka na sa kakalakad natin. Nde mo lang masabi sa kin we can do it next time. But then timing is important for me. Its today that I needed a massage. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Kac that day, i feel so tired.

Sabi mo kanina siguro kulang ka sa lambing. siguro. ewan ko. As usual sabi ko na naman sa sarili ko, mas mahalin ko ang sarili ko kesa sa sayo. Simple lang naman lahat ng gusto ko. Ewan ko kung bakit parang ang complicated ng relationship natin. Sabi mo ayaw mo ko madisappoint. Why would I be disappointed if there's a valid reason for things?

I'm tired. I'm exhausted. My energy has been totally used up. I cant live this way everyday.

I'm not complicating things. I'm asking question as plainly as it is.

Pagod na ko......alam ko pagod ka na rin......

haunted.......

2007-07-31T06:01:00.000+08:00

i have forgiven you.....but memories haunts me like a nightmare....cant move on.....cant forget....its not a question of trust.....or maybe it is......trust in the words you said "i love you".....or maybe its a question about your definition of love.......of friendship......i woke up happy yesterday....until i get to the office...but when i pull up the videos you sent me and see your officemates, it came back to me again.......feels like stardust happened last night.....i thought i have already forgotten it by forgiving you.....i was wrong......i know there will be more of these....bigger trials....bigger problems....

Happy Anniversary

2007-07-26T02:21:00.000+08:00

glitter-graphics.com

i hate the sched

2006-08-27T11:29:00.000+08:00

i am not able to spend a lot of time with my honeykab...we do see each other more than once a week..i got to see him after his java class but i have to wait for him until 930pm and that leaves me "grogi" when i wake up at 3am. on weekdays i can only spend around 10-15 minutes with him..

hay....i am really not liking it.

on saturdays we go to mass everyday. spend time from 2pm til 7pm with him, and for me that is still not enough for me. i really cant define what i feel. i miss him and i dont know if i am getting away from him...part of me is becoming distant...

i know i love him...i love him so much...

2006-04-12T12:13:00.000+08:00

love....its more than telling me you love me...its more than going to the movies with me....its more than the fact that we hear mass every Saturday afternoon...its more than going to dinner or lunch....its more than spending time with each other learning how to cook....its more than that....its not the gifts....its not the kisses....its not the hugs....its more than everything that we are doing....

2006-04-12T07:57:00.000+08:00

"To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.”

this is me and my imagination

2006-04-07T05:33:00.000+08:00

it's me and my bf...i wake up every morning, thanking God I'm still alive. that i have a new day to start with..and even if i dont want to get up from my bed, i still do, my work is waiting for me. to be honest i'm getting tired of my current job. you know what my motivation on a daily basis? if i didnt go to work, it will be unpaid, and i am always eager and enthusiastic having in my mind that my bf and i will see each other. im excited abt it. =)

i always want to see my bf. hopefully he can pick me up everyday from my office. but due to schedule differences, somehow its impossible. i start my day early, just like the other girls, hoping, wanting that their bf would take them to their office. but then again, its quite impossible. not really impossible, but it would be hard for my bf, but hopefully he does once in a while. =)

i always want to see my bf..i mean everyday. text messaging and calls? of course! i love talking to my bf. every hour, every minute and every second of my life. exaggeration! its true! =)

my bf is my bestfriend. i dont have to pretend when i am with him. i dont have to be the intelligent alma, the strong one, the soft spoken girl that everybody thinks she is. i can be pretty and ugly but still loves the whole of me. i dont have to be perfect. i can tell him all of my deepest secrets, non sense thoughts, silliest ideas, corny jokes, show all my weaknesses, be imperfect to be exact. When I'm down because of personal problem, i want him to hug me, show some affection, kiss me. He need not say anything..His presence is enough. When i get upset because of him, i will definitely not say sorry if i think it's his fault. but i can listen to his explanation and i am willing to tell him why i got upset. Hopefully we'll be able to resolve the problem overnight.

He's not the jealous type. but he can be jealous at times. =)...He's a responsible and independent person. He loves his family so much. VEry caring and thoughtful not only with me but with his parents as well. He gives me flowers and small sweet gifts even if there's no ocassion. I love to see him laugh. There's so much wonder when he laughs. I love his eyes and his lips. He's kinda strict. He doesnt want to hear me say cursing words, nor say bad things against other people. He's very loving and concern. Not only that i wanted to be with him most of the time, he also wants to spend time with me. And even if we are just in the early stage of our relationship, he feels in his heart that he wants and needs me to be in his future life. he feels it and he lets me know, through his words and through his actions.

Our relationship is more than physical. We put God and our faith in the center of it. We love each other and that makes our relationship strong. Hopefully we will continue to add meaning to each others lives.

bakit kaya ganun.....

2006-04-06T09:06:00.000+08:00

~bakit kaya pag naglalaro ka, you dont mind kahit anung oras ka umuwi..pero pag magkasama tayo o may pupuntahan tayo lagi kang nagmamadali o may time limit...

~bakit kaya yung ibang guys kahit hindi ko kaclose inaalalayan ako palagi pag bababa ng jeep, bakit kaya ikaw hindi?

~bakit kaya kelangan nating kwestionin ang isang ugali ng bawat isa sa tin? bakit kaya hindi na lang natin mapalagpas?

~bakit kaya pag may check up ako you never offered to accompany me kahit wala kang ginagawa sa house nio? bakit yung ibang guys sobrang concern sa kin hindi ko naman sila bf?

~bakit kaya you never initiated to talk abt our future kahit for the sense na pag usapan lang? hindi naman kac ibig sabihin ng pag uusapan eh yun yung mangyayari talaga...i never heard you say you want me to be in your future...i always insist to be in your future...

~bakit kaya pag lakad mo with your friends o kaya magdamagang laruan hindi ka napapagod, pero pag magkasama tayo, kahit saglit na paglalakad lang, pagod na pagod ka na and you wanted to go home?

~bakit kaya you think i have not given you enough pero halos ibigay ko na lahat.

honeykab

2006-02-24T09:20:00.000+08:00

when you said "alagaan mo naman ako" natouched ako nun kac its nice to think na may taong gustong magpaalaga sa kin. and i really want to take care of you. i want to make you happy.

thank you (lyrics)

2006-02-23T08:16:00.000+08:00

Thank you for teaching me how to love
Showing me what the world means
What I've been dreamin' of
And now I know, there is nothing that I could not do
Thanks to You

For teaching me how to feel
Showing me my emotions
Letting me know what's real
From what is not
What I've got is more that I'd ever hoped for
And a lot of what I hope for is
Thanks to you

For teaching me how to live
Putting things in perspective
Teaching me how to give
And how to take
No mistake
We were put here together
And if I breakdown
Forgive me but it's true
That I'm aching with the love I feel inside
Thanks to You

2006-02-16T15:51:00.000+08:00

[15:28] apawache: nah... sa kanya ka lang naman ganon diba?
[15:29] apawache: sa kanya ka lang nagdedemand.. sa kanya ka lang nagrereklamo.. diba?
[15:29] apawache: sa kanya ka lang umiiyak..
[15:29] apawache: sa kanya ka lang nagagalit ng ganon...
[15:29] apawache: diba?
[15:30] abm_map: oo
[15:31] apawache: you're an open book pagdating sa kanya... kasi comfortable ka sa kanya...
[15:31] apawache: kasi you feel safe sa kanya
[15:31] apawache: kasi you know na kahit nde ka niya maintindihan, his love for you will understand...
[15:32] apawache: put it this way... as much as i love my friends, nde talga ako open sa lahat ng feelings ko... nde ako talga nagsishare pag galit ako... kahit pag malungkot... unless tapos na...
[15:33] apawache: iba yong bonding ng nasa relationship...
[15:34] apawache: mas complicated... kasi mas ngaiinvest ka ng emosyon...
[15:34] apawache: not intented pero that's just the way it is...
[15:35] apawache: kebs might call it that he's spoiling you.. but that is love... working..
[15:35] apawache: you're maybe angry or dispappointed or having tantrums... but that is love...
[15:36] apawache: you see every person has his/her own world... when you're with someone, those two worlds combine...
[15:36] apawache: lahat...
[15:37] apawache: walang inappropriate...
[15:39] apawache: kasi you depend on each other.. or you depend on your love for each other...
[15:39] apawache: hand-in-hand...
[15:40] apawache: walang pinipiling topic... lahat po...

*********************************************************************************

[15:53] apawache: kasi the ones we love hurt us the most..

2006-02-10T14:47:00.000+08:00

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. Every 60 seconds upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back"

2006-02-10T13:43:00.000+08:00

i ask those questions not to scare the hell out of you. i dont ask those questions to make it happen now. i ask those because i love you. and even if we both admit that we're not ready for that "future" it is still nice for me to think that my bf is willing to be part of my life in the future, if not in reality, in my imagination. and you know what? it hurts me when you are giving me those answers. answers that describe that i am a worthy choice but my question is if you want me to be your wife in the future. do u get the difference? i dont have any other person in mind to imagine that will be part of my future but you.

2006-02-04T13:44:00.000+08:00

last week, nag away na naman kami ni honeykab..the reason was so petty but then it seemed like it was a big fight...we attended the mass having heavy heart for each other. i can't even say sorry to him because for me, I didnt do anything wrong and I am right. After the mass, we attended the discipleship by father bob (my favorite priest in greenbelt). it was very enlightening and inspiring and it even made me cry. after the discipleship, i feel in my heart, i have to say sorry to honeykab...i did..I thank God we're ok now. and i know, with that experience, we love each other more.

I'd rather

2006-01-25T13:58:00.000+08:00

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart

last night...

2006-01-25T06:00:00.000+08:00

believe it or not, it's not easy for me to say those things. no one wants to feel angry and down all the time. when you said "we'll find time", that triggered me to think of what happened in the past. TIME and EFFORT, that have been my greatest longing from you. and you know when you said "we'll find time", i really would want to hope or rather expect that it will happen. but the thing is, it's like waiting in vain, waiting for a rain in the summer time. expect no more. that's what i tell myself...but you are constantly giving me hope, that this time, it will be different....i hope so...

i didn't say everything that you did is nothing for me. i didn't say you never did the right thing. stop thinking that you're not a worthy boyfriend.

kailan.....

2006-01-12T14:36:00.000+08:00

kailan mo kaya sasabihin na kailangan mo ko sa buhay mo?...kailan mo sasabihin na gusto mo kong makita kac kelangan mo yung presence ko?.....

it hurts.....

2006-01-10T12:10:00.000+08:00

it hurts when the person i love the most doesnt seem to care for me as much as i care for him but just like what they said, love unconditionally and dont expect anything in return...

he's my first boyfriend...and i dont know if i am really that demanding to expect him to do things for me...

i envy my friends whose bf's are really thoughtful and caring. i remember my room mate marivic, her bf went all the way to davao from taytay rizal just to be with her last new year. my bf doesnt do such kind of thing. last dec 26, our monthsary, i asked him to visit me in our house in cavite. i'm just making lambing coz we're not together on christmas. he said he cant. new year, i tried again, asking him if possible that we could be together. again, he cant. it is just so frustrating for me....i dont know if cavite is so far for him (he lives in makati).

i do hope one day, this little dream will come true. i hope he can do such effort and sacrifice for me.

so sleepy

2005-12-30T14:14:00.000+08:00

we went to the airport last night to pick up my brother. I was so excited to go to duty free but then they're already closed! ugh! i am so disappointed. they went this morning and its even more disappointing that they dont have the sunshine baked crackers that i love! and oh not only that. i told my brother to buy me a burberry brit perfume but he bought victoria's secret! :(

honey kab

2005-12-29T10:42:00.000+08:00

i love you honey kab...

I'm happy that we're finally ok after a couple of days of cool off. actually you are correct. there's no perfect relationship, and there's no one shot solution that will magically eliminate the problems in our relationship. You admitted your mistakes and I know I also have my share on what happened. well...so much of the sad part...all i know is that I am happy you're a part of my life again. :)