Counseling: How It Can Be Helpful

Compromise? Or Accommodation?

2009-11-12T00:24:00.000-08:00

How many times have you found yourself attempting to find resolution over a problem, to which one of you compromise on an issue and then resent yourself and your partner because you agreed to terms that you're not happy with? If this is the case, the negotiation, which took place, didn't result in compromise, but with accommodation -- a killer of relationships for sure. What is the difference? Let's take a look:

Accommodation: Accommodation is essentially the same as "giving in." You're "agreeing" to the arrangement, but inside, you may be feeling bitter, resentful, angry or upset with the agreement. You might describe this as a means to keep the peace or prevent an argument. This self-sacrifice is detrimental to a relationship because you've agreed to something that goes against your better judgment. The question to ask yourself is: Why would you agree to something that you don't want to agree to? Often times, these justifications backfire, because resent builds over time, so an argument prevented today may result in a larger argument later.

Compromise: The basis of compromise is when 2 people come together and find some way, through negotiation, to agree on a situation that doesn't result in bitterness or resentment towards one another. There might be some sacrificing going on to reach this agreement, but the sacrifice isn't causing an inner "tug-of-war" like the process of accommodation. The arrangement may not be ideal, but both parties work together to ensure they aren't "giving in" just to keep the peace or prevent an argument.

How do you ensure you're compromising rather than accommodating? You can start by being true to yourself, and honest with your partner. If you aren't feeling good about the decision, then be open about the inner conflict you are having and be open with your partner. Don't agree to something that you'll regret agreeing to later. Do agree on that which you can honestly live with the consequences of your decisions. This is a more proactive way of dealing with conflict.

Dealing with conflict

2009-11-05T15:21:00.001-08:00

Since I work with couples, many of them express wanting the goal to have the "perfect" relationship. Sure, we would all like to have the "perfect" relationship -- no fighting, no disagreements, everything just seems to "mesh" perfectly. The truth is the "perfect" relationship is a myth, because you haven't partnered up with your clone. You fell in love with someone who compliments you in some ways and conflicts with you in others... the key is hopefully there are more compliments than conflicts. So how do you approach the conflictual times so they don't overshadow all the good in the relationship? Well, there are some "DO's" and DON'Ts" when dealing with conflict:

DO stay focused on the issue.
DON'T get sidetracked or pile on irrelevant issues.
DO state your needs clearly.
DON'T give mixed messages.
DO tell your partner what you need from them & state clearly what that would look like for you.
DON'T focus on what you don't want from them.
DO give your partner equal opportunity to talk about the conflict from their perspective.
DON'T shut your partner off from having equal time and say in the conflict.
DO express positive statements of action to help resolve the conflict.
DON'T make threats of actions (breaking up, divorce, etc.) you will later regret.
DO express your difficulty with your partner's actions (if they triggered the conflict in the first place).
DON'T belittle them, put them down, or use a condescending tone to make your point.
DO recognize the actions that contributed to the conflict -- your partner's as well as your own.
DON'T assume your partner is 100% at fault in the conflict. It takes 2 to tango.
DO express your feelings to your partner.
DON'T take your feelings out on your partner.

Once both of you have had your say:

DO express your love to each other with kind words to separate the difference between the conflict and the rest of your relationship.
DON'T withhold love from each other.
DO give yourself space and your partner space.
DON'T try to rehash the point over and over.
DO provide for some quiet, positive "make up" time for you and your partner.
DON'T expect that positive time to be physically-based.
DO allow yourself and your partner an opportunity to demonstrate the willingness to make positive change within the relationship.
DON'T go hunting for faults nor sabotage your partner's efforts.

Being There...

2009-10-29T22:11:00.000-07:00

Your partner is dealing with a stressful time at work, may be dealing with a family crisis, or has even experienced a medical trauma. You might not be able to relate to what they are going through, but it doesn't mean your partner doesn't need your support. How do you provide your partner support?

The best place to start is recognize when your partner might be needing help. Do their moods seem different? Do they seem more irritable, moody or withdrawn? Do they seem to have difficulty maintaining their regular routine? These are all signs they may be struggling with the stress and this is the time to keep the lines of communication open.

Ask your partner what you can do to help. It may be as simple as a hug or some words of encouragement. They may say they need help with the kids or a household chore. It may be that there's nothing they need from you, but the fact you took the time to check in with them and ask how you can be supportive will go a long way! It's the little gestures that mean the most.

Having the Proverbial Cake...

2009-10-22T22:11:00.000-07:00

There seems to be a common theme amongst many clients I've seen this week. They "want their cake and eat it too." What do I mean by this? Many times I hear from clients how important it is to save their relationship... they express common themes such as "I don't want to lose him/her," "S/he is the most important person in my life," or "I'm doing everything I can to save this relationship." However, when we explore the choice they are making, what I learn is how willing people are to maintain unhealthy habits that directly impact the relationship in a negative way: keeping in touch with an old flame, continue indulging in alcohol or drug patterns, or even staying late at work often at the expense of the family.

So I have to ask myself (and ask my clients), if your relationship is as important to you as you state it is, why you would you want to continue engaging in behaviors, which will negatively impact the relationship? Saving the relationship may mean having to give up contact with the old flame, ceasing to use alcohol or drugs, or finding a better balance between work and family. You'll want to ask yourself, "Why is it so difficult for me to give these things/people up?" Be honest with yourself...be honest with your partner. Attempting to "have your cake and eat it too" ultimately sends a message to your partner that the relationship may not be as important to you as your stating.

Priorities

2009-10-15T21:59:00.000-07:00

This time is full of responsibilities: children, bills, finances, work, health.....but where does your relationship fit in?

You need to give your relationship equal time to be successful. If you've ever said, "We'll see what happens, then your essentially saying, "I'm going to sit back and do nothing, but still expect something to change." How can the relationship change if you aren't doing anything to make the change happen?

What do you want to happen differently? What are you doing to make that change happen? For example, you want to spend more time with your partner. You and your partner made time for each other when you first met. How did you make time for each other then? You went on dates. You would agree on a time to go out, be picked up at the door and spend an evening together. You did it once! You can do it again! Start by setting at least one night a month for the two of you to go out. Get a babysitter (if needed), make reservations and enjoy the time to reconnect.

Remember, the daily stressors of bills, finances and work will be there the next day. One day the children will be off and having families of their own. Your health may not be what it is today. For all these reasons, today is the day to make a strong connection with your partner....and keep it nourished and healthy.

Danger or Opportunity?

2009-10-08T18:59:00.000-07:00

When relationships get too hard, the first inclination for many is to "get out" as implementing change is a lot of work. Conflicts seem never-ending, disconnection seems to be the "norm," and intimacy seems to dwindle. This could overwhelm even the strongest of relationships. This combination puts many couples in crisis mode. However, the Chinese character for "crisis" actually represents the words "danger" + "opportunity."

The "danger" of the relationship failing leads to many "opportunities" for change, for growth, for a better outcome. There is the "opportunity" to work on being a better person for yourself and the relationship... the "opportunity" to heal deep-seated, emotional wounds to be a better partner... the "opportunity" to better define and express your needs to your partner so you can determine how to best move forward within the relationship.

So, try looking at the "crisis" in your relationship as an "opportunity" to make positive change.

"Throw Away the Key"

2009-10-01T17:42:00.000-07:00

How easy is it to have an argument with your partner only to get so flustered or angry that you are ready to call it quits? Maybe you've had thoughts like, "Why should we even try?" or "I should just walk away before it gets worse...it'll never change." Possibly you've even heard the "D" word (divorce) being slung around during an argument.

Here's the thing... if you don't want to end your relationship, then what good is it to start having such thoughts or make such threats? Nothing positive can come out of such actions or thoughts. Once those thoughts start entering your mind, it can become an "out" of sorts. It's easy for your mind to think, "See? Nothing's changing. I should just end it." This becomes a perpetuating, downward spiral, which can result in negative results.

Instead, visualize yourself taking a key, which represents that "out," and imagine yourself throwing it into a vast ocean, never to be found again. As you're throwing that "key" into the water, make a commitment to yourself not to give up so easily. As you have difficult times with your partner, remind yourself there is no "key"... no "out," and to renew your commitment to weather the storms.

My clients who try this exercise find a renewed commitment to the process, and to their relationship, as they aren't looking for the quick fix, but looking for the right way to handle problems.

"Fireproof" Your Relationship

2009-09-25T13:37:00.000-07:00

I'm not usually one to push specific resources on this list, but the film "Fireproof" has been brought up several times with my clients in recent weeks, so it would be a shame not to forward on a good resource.

If you are experiencing ongoing conflict, misunderstandings, feelings of disconnect or feelings of being "alone" in your relationship, then you will want to consider watching this movie, about a couple on the verge of divorce, and learn what it really means to be committed to your partner, take personal responsibility for your own role in the relationship, and explores how blame, expectations and complacency can damage a relationship.

I want to put a disclaimer here that the film is heavily weighted with Christian-themes and the acting is definitely not Oscar-worthy. I state these points not from a prejudicial viewpoint, but to prepare yourself in the event the themes are not congruent with your own, personal views. If you can work through any incongruences (if they exist at all) and concentrate on the relationship dynamics, it can be a worthwhile resource.

Know When to Say When

2009-09-17T20:52:00.001-07:00

You and your partner have a disagreement. You sense tensions are rising. Do you engage in the conversation to prove your point? Or do you know when to allow your partner the space they need to express their concerns and not get defensive? This is a hard place to be when you're also feeling angry, but note:

Anger prevents people from expressing what really needs to be expressed.
Anger prevents people from hearing what you're really trying to say, resulting in further misunderstandings.

If you recognize tensions running high, consider what is more important in the moment: being right versus being able to hear what your partner is saying so that you can have an opportunity to voice your perspective rationally and have a greater chance of being heard.

Defensiveness begets defensiveness and no one wins. So consider making the choice not to argue in order to have better communication. That's the best way to get your voice heard.

Dealing with your Partner's Pain

2009-09-09T08:38:00.001-07:00

When your partner expresses pain, whether it be sadness, hurt, or frustration, how do you deal with it? Do you really listen to what is ailing your partner and provide support? Or do you try to make them feel better because it hurts you too much to see them in pain? If you're doing the latter, you are probably missing what your partner is trying to tell you. Most likely, your partner may not want you to "fix" them, but just to empathize with their pain, demonstrate your appreciation of their experience and ask them how you can be most supportive in their time of need.

Of all the people your partner could have relied on to share this pain, they chose to share their feelings with you. If you want to maintain a healthy relationship, don't shut them off by trying to "fix" their problem, offer them "silver linings," or show them the positive side of their sadness. It may be difficult to see your partner in pain... it'll be more difficult later when your partner chooses not to share their feelings with you at all because your needs to make them feel better became more important than supporting them in the first place.

Whose Need Is It Anyway?

2009-09-03T22:03:00.000-07:00

How many times have you told your partner, "You need to .... " or "You have to do ...."? This is a really misleading statement this is really a way to say to your partner what you need or expect of your partner. The problem with this statement is your partner may not (in fact they often won't!) have the same needs as yourself. As a result, you may experience disappointment or resentment for unmet expectations. Furthermore, this statement sounds commanding, which could result in immediate defensiveness. Instead, consider letting your partner know what you need. For example, "I need the laundry to be folded. Would you mind helping me?" This lets your partner understand your need as well as the reason for your request. If your partner is unable or unwilling to meet that need, you now have the ability to make decisions to meet your own needs.

Don't Limit Your Communication

2009-08-28T07:48:00.000-07:00

Most couples tend to limit their communication over important topics to 2 occasions: 1) If the issue is time sensitive and they must discuss it, or 2) When emotions are welling up inside and they cannot contain those emotions anymore and "must" discuss the importance of an issue in order to find relief. If your relationship tends to limit conversation to one of these 2 occasions, then it's time to ask yourself how much you're communicating the rest of the time. Why aren't you discussing important issues when things are more calm? More pleasant? These are the best times to discuss important issues as neither of your are heated, less reactive and more willing to listen when you are feeling a positive connection with your partner. So don't wait until you're up against a deadline or you're feeling anxious or angry to discuss an issue. Use your positive connections to have healthier discussions.

Leaving Therapy Before It's Over

2009-03-16T21:11:00.001-07:00

Have you gotten to a point where you don't feel like your therapy is going anywhere?
Are you short on funds and having difficulty attending your sessions on a consistent basis?
Do you feel like you and your therapist aren't "clicking?"

If you've thought "yes" to any of these questions, then you might have considered dropping out of therapy prematurely. Ultimately, you have the right to cease sessions when you feel necessary; however, I see clients leave therapy too early due to financial struggles, something that has occurred in the most recent session that they don't want to process or they feel like they've gotten all they can get out of it.

In situations like these, rather than leaving a voicemail message on your therapist's answering service, I recommend that you attend your next appointment to discuss your concerns with your therapist. If it's a financial concern, your therapist may consider a sliding scale, or space out your sessions a little more, depending on your therapy needs. If you are unsure if you're getting anything out of therapy, you and your therapist can revisit your treatment goals and discuss your progress as well as what you'd like to see from therapy. If you're unhappy with your therapist or upset by something your therapist said during the session, bringing it up to your therapist empowers you and let's your therapist know how you interpreted their intervention.

A good therapist will be open to discussing such issues and will want to understand what didn't work. They may be able to "clear the air" or even explore where the breakdown occurred. Your therapist will respect your decision to leave, but discussing your concerns ultimately provides your therapist with good feedback and you might be able to ultimately leave therapy with a positive experience.

Self-Respect -- How to Get it?

2009-03-05T23:22:00.000-08:00

If you're struggling to get your partner to show you respect, then it may be time to take a look at yourself. If you're not respecting yourself, then what reason does your partner have to respect you? If you feel they talk down to you, ignore you or cause you hurtful feelings, then it's time to decide for yourself what you may be doing that allows your partner to demonstrate such behavior to you. I'm not saying you have control over your partner, but if you're engaging with your partner in some way that shows them you're okay with the way they are treating you, then they have no incentive to change.

Respect is earned. In order to get respect, respect yourself first and demonstrate a level of respect for your partner. In turn, they will have to give you respect if the relationship is worth maintaining.

Help--A Weakness or a Strength?

2009-01-25T18:45:00.000-08:00

Many times when I'm working with couples, I consistently hear how they have difficultly asking their partner for help, "I don't want them to see me as weak." It's interesting how people have this notion that requesting help is a sign a weakness...as if the person should be all-knowing, powerful, or strong at all times. The fact is we're human first. We all have moments of weakness and need to rely on one another for support.

I offer you an alternative view. I suggest that you try to view needing help as an ability to recognize your limitations. Having this type of insight is a strength in itself. Knowing when you need strength, admitting that to yourself and then admitting this to your partner actually conveys, "I recognize I have a limitation and I'm honest & strong enough with myself to let you know." This message can enhance the connection and intimacy between a couple.

Starting your New Year Off Right

2009-01-17T14:40:00.001-08:00

So the holidays are behind us and we've rung in 2009. Have you set any New Year's resolutions? How are you doing with them so far? If you're still continuing with them congrats! You are in the minority of people who have actually set out the goals you want to accomplish. Why is this? Most likely, you've chosen something important to you...something that has meaning to you...

Many times, goals are not achieved because people establish goals that really don't have enough priority in their lives or are too unrealistic or vague to attain. "I want to lose 20 by the beginning of February," or "I want to be a better spouse."

Consider making realistic goals that have the potential to be measurable and attainable. "I will lose 2-3 pounds weekly," or "I will call my spouse daily to check in with them for the next month." This gives you an opportunity to really see if you are following through with your goals. If you aren't, then it's time to examine if these goals are really important to you...if they aren't, then it's time to amend them.

What does this have to do with relationships? Start with looking at where your relationship is at. What is one thing you can (and want to) do that will help you achieve the relationship you want? Start small and work to bigger goals as you gain momentum. Sometimes, it's the smallest efforts that achieve the greatest results.

Working Together

2008-12-14T19:21:00.000-08:00

Maybe you have personally experienced a situation where you and your partner have made a decision, only to continue arguing about the situation long after the agreement. Couples make joint decisions all the time. So then why does conflict ensue if the couple agrees on the decision?

Well, even though a decision was made, both parties aren't really "okay" with the outcome of the decision. So then how could there possibly be an agreement? Perhaps you've agreed to a decision, thinking if you compromise, then the arguing will end and you and your partner can move on with your lives.

Actually, this is a common phenomenon. People will "give in" to a decision, even if they don't agree with it for all sorts of reasons: to keep the peace, ambivalence, fear of making a decision, etc. The problem is by "giving in" when you don't agree to the terms results in resentment. Really, this isn't compromising because one of you feels like you're "giving in" and not getting anything out of the agreement. This is accommodating, not compromising. Compromising is when both of you give a little and get a little in return.

So what can you do? Don't "give in" to a decision if you really can't live with the terms of the outcome. It means it's not the right decision for you, and that's okay. It's better if the two of you to continue finding alternatives that work for the two of you, rather than succumbing to a decision that results in harboring resentment.

Choices

2008-12-06T00:51:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been working with many couples who are realizing how the choices they make contradict what they really want. They say they want to be in a trustworthy relationship, only to choose a partner they inherently don't trust. Or they want to be in an intimate relationship, but choose a partner who travels a lot, is a workaholic or maintains a level of emotional distance. They come to me with the hopes that I can help them "change" their partner or wants me to prove that their partner is "wrong." The fact is there is so much focus on the other person rather than themselves.

This situation is actually more common than you might actually believe. How many times have you tried to convince your partner that your version of the situation is the right one, while they are wrong. Why is it so important that one must be "right" and the other be "wrong?" The fact is we all have our own reality of the situation and those realities aren't always going to coincide.

Rather than trying to change your partner, I suggest you look at your own role in the choices you've made. Are you choosing to be the "fixer" but hate the fact that your partner depends on you to "fix" everything? Have you chosen to be the planner of your weekends, but resent the fact that your partner never "steps up" to help with coming up with ideas? If you realize that you are making choices that are resulting in resentment, it might be time to make different choices.

It's time to look at your own actions in the relationship to see what choices you're making that could be negatively impacting you and, in turn, impacting your relationship in a negative way. Making healthier choices for yourself, can result in positive changes in your relationship.

Fostering Intimacy

2008-11-15T00:58:00.000-08:00

Last week I went to a conference specifically for couples training. I walked away with a lot of information, but one caveat that stood out is how many couples engage in situations which prevent them from achieving the thing they want most. Many couples I work with complain of wanting more intimacy or "connection," in their relationship. However, they sabotage any chance of obtaining that intimacy because they cannot be honest with themselves, nor their partner. The relationship becomes built upon façades and masks...for each person to only see what they think their partner wants to see, rather than showing each other who they "truly" are.

As the relationship continues, the need to appease each other becomes more important than maintaining their own values and beliefs. Whether it's because they want to "keep the peace," or are afraid of hurting their partner, it's often seen that couples begin to "bite their tongue" or "pick and choose their battles." What ends up resulting is resentment and frustration. Neither of these feelings are productive nor beneficial towards fostering an intimate relationship.

The bottom line is you can't be intimate if you can't be honest....with yourself....with your partner.

Having Realistic Expectations

2008-10-25T12:21:00.000-07:00

If you're finding yourself having difficulties within your relationship, the sooner they can be addressed, the more likely you'll be able to overcome the problems. I worked with a couple this week who expected me to be able to resolve all their problems in 75-minutes; however, they have had conflicts for 18 years! I wish I had my "magic wand" with me that night, but obviously, there is no such thing.

The fact is that it requires ongoing work, patience and open communication to overcome reoccurring problems. There is no quick fix or "magic wand" to repair damage that has surfaced time and again. If you and your partner are working on maintaining or even repairing your relationship, make sure you have realistic expectations of the situation and each other. This can only help your situation and enlighten you to the strengths & weaknesses each of you bring to the table.

Adapting to Change

2008-10-14T05:36:00.001-07:00

Relationships and people must evolve and grow. Events in your lives will ultimately impact your relationship. Whether it's buying a new home, changing jobs or having a baby, these events will cause you to make changes to your routine and those changes will trickle down onto your relationship. Allow yourself and your partner room to adapt to these changes. Make accommodations for one another as you work together to make a new routine that will work for you individually as well as a couple. If you find that the new routine isn't working for you, speak up! Don't allow the routine to become so engrained that you become resentful.

By making such allowances and accommodations, you and your partner can grow together as time and changes evolve.

The End of a Relationship

2008-09-18T22:27:00.000-07:00

While this is a blog for counseling and relationships, the fact is some relationships do end. If you are coming to the end of your relationship, it can be a very difficult and emotional time. If you are at this place, realize that (unless there is abuse involved) there is no reason to rush into a final decision. Take your time. Allow yourself to process the grief that is inherent with such a loss. Grief isn't reserved for the death of a loved one. Grief is applicable to any significant losses in your life. The loss of a relationship that you have invested yourself in is no different.

Once you've taken your time, weighed your options, looked at the potential consequences and given yourself to process the loss, you may still realize that leaving the relationship is in your best interest. That's okay....but give yourself a chance to go through the emotions, seek support (such as a support group or a good counselor or a close friend), and be honest with yourself. In the end, it still may be hard, but at least you're giving yourself all opportunities to determine what is really right for you.

Be Right? Or Be Happy?

2008-09-11T21:58:00.000-07:00

You and your partner are having a disagreement. You're staunchly on one side of the issue, they're on the other. Neither of you want to budge on the issue. It becomes more important to prove your side of the issue rather than listening to your partner's. Does this sound familiar?

It's okay to agree to disagree on an issue. It's even okay if you maintain a difference of an opinion. You won't agree on everything throughout your relationship. It's not possible! It's important to be able to acknowledge the difference and respect that your partner and you are on opposite sides of the issue. It's how you communicate your differences that will help the 2 of you come to a compromise. Acknowledging your partner is not the same as agreeing with your partner. If you're able to say, "I hear your opinion & I can appreciate why you would feel [hurt, sad, angry, etc.]. I feel differently, but we can figure this out," you show your partner respect, while being able to maintain your voice. From this perspective, you can work towards a compromise that both of you can live with.

Happiness means much more to the success of a relationship than being right.

The Family's Influence

2008-08-14T23:02:00.000-07:00

Many times, when working with couples, I hear the infamous words, "I'm not marrying the family. I'm marrying my fiancée!" It may be hard to believe, but two people do not entirely make up the marriage. In addition to the bride and groom, are all the influences that have made the couple who they are, and those influences include parents, siblings, possibly grandparents, aunts, uncles and even cousins, depending on the upbringing.

So, what does this mean? Well, if the couple still has contact with their own family as they move into the marriage, there is a good probability that the family will continue to have some sort of influence as to how the couple will relate to each other. Maybe not in a direct way, but how a person responds to their partner may be the direct result of how they saw their own parents and family relate to each other when they were younger. If the family is still involved, those reactions and behaviors could potentially be magnified.

So, how to handle the "too-many-chefs" syndrome? It's important the couple learn how to set appropriate boundaries with each other and with the family to uphold the new family unit as the newlyweds attempt to establish themselves as a married couple. Second, maintaining open, healthy communication with each other will help to understand the feelings that may erupt. Third, refrain from ultimatums and the attempt to control your partner, as this can result in resentment and anger towards each other and with yourself.

How Blaming Hurts

2008-08-05T19:57:00.000-07:00

When I see a new couple in my office, there tends to be an overwhelming propensity to point fingers and blame the their partner as to why they're in counseling, why their marriage is so bad, why they're ready to leave the relationship. Let's look at the art of blaming...

Blaming is really a process where a person is upset with themselves and rather than looking inward as to what they might have done to cause the current outcome, it's much easier to point the finger at another person. Being upset with yourself feels uncomfortable. It means that you aren't perfect and you have flaws. That's okay! Who *is* perfect? Who *doesn't* have flaws? You're human! It's learning from those flaws that makes you a stronger, healthier partner. So, rather than concentrating on your partner's flaws, start taking responsibility and look at your own.

Maybe you're upset that you haven't spoken up enough about a bothersome issue. Maybe you're ticked off that you've tolerated behaviors from your partner that caused you to compromise your own values and beliefs. Whatever the reason, start looking inside yourself and determine what *you* can do differently to get the relationship *you* want. Not only will it be a way for you to grow, you'll be a good role model for your partner.