World Chumps

Classless Star

2008-12-03T19:26:00.000-08:00

From the Calgary Herald...

Smirking. Smug. Potty-mouthed. Narcissistic.

Sure.

But pathetic. More than anything.

The smutty, smart-ass kid at the back of the classroom giggling at his own dirty jokes. The preening campus jock who expects all the nerds to drop their jaws in envy and the cheerleaders to drop their pom-poms in ecstacy.

No class, all class-clown.

Infantile.

More Here

Tiger on the Lamb

2006-06-13T22:35:00.000-07:00

Detroit Tigers slugger in absentia Dmitri Young has some splainin to do after he failed to show for a pretrial hearing regarding a domestic violence charge filed against him back in April. An arrest warrant was issued for Young after a judge ruled that Young’s attorney failed to provide a good enough excuse regarding Young’s whereabouts.

The 32-year-old is currently on the disabled list with an injured right quadriceps, and left the team for what the Tigers called "personal reasons" in late May.

Young’s attorney William Swor missed the hearing himself, but he supposedly told Assistant Oakland County prosecutor Tare Wigod that Young had a medical emergency and was out of state.
Judge Diane D'Agostini rejected the request for a delay and demanded proof by the end of the day that Young was housed at a legitimate medical facility. She also ordered Swor to appear in her courtroom on Friday. A fax from Swor was ruled insufficient evidence that Young needed to be out of state, so D’Agostini lowered the boom.

Young's antics explains younger brother Delmon Young's behavior.

Yet another reason to hate Duke

2006-06-13T22:06:00.000-07:00

The golden boy ain’t so golden after all. Duke’s J.J. Redick was arrested early Tuesday for drunk driving. The 21-year-old Redick was released on $1,000 bond shortly after being taken before a Durham County magistrate. He is to appear in court July 17.

"J.J. knows he made a mistake and regrets it," Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski said in a statement. "He represented the very best in college athletics and exhibited outstanding character at Duke the last four years. He is and will continue to be a credit to the Duke basketball family. As his friend and his coach, he has my total support."

Translation: As long as guys like Redick continue to make me one of the highest paid coaches in the NCAA, then he can do whatever he wants. Drive drunk, attend lacrosse parties, pick your poison man!

A Derby Sure to Be a Cut Above the Rest

2006-05-05T00:06:00.000-07:00

"No seriously, I didn't do it"

Nothing says Kentucky Derby like Mint Juleps in May, but this year’s race may have more of a Bloody Mary feel to it. The Derby’s newest fan, one Orenthal James Simpson, has been slicing up and down the paddock at Churchill Downs this week, soaking up the atmosphere that is the spectacle of the run for the roses.

The Juice has been trying to keep a low profile while in Louisville, but it isn’t as easy as it sounds. Cut off your ex-wife’s head and never live it down. Who knew?

O.J. hasn’t been keeping a low profile when it comes to talking about who he thinks is going to win this year’s Derby. He’s going with Lawyer Ron.

"I love lawyers, I know all about lawyers," he said, mentioning the late Johnnie Cochran in his diatribe to reporters on Thursday.

Oh man that O.J. is a real cut-up isn’t he.

Still, the man can still sound like a lunatic if you give him the opportunity.

"You got better parties here than you do in Miami at the MTV Awards," he said. "It's the No. 1 event of the year. The hip-hop/movie/horse culture is all here."

Hip Hop? Say What?

"It comes down to Kentucky hospitality," he said. "I feel totally comfortable and everybody's great."

Well, except for the 250,000 attendees who wouldn’t spend 30 seconds with you alone for fear of having their throat slashed.

Don't Mess with the Bambino

2006-05-04T01:35:00.000-07:00

"OK, this head swelling
we can explain."

The Babe sent a message on Wednesday night. That message came in the form of a batting practice foul ball that nailed Barry Bonds right between the eyes...through the BP net. The message was clear as day. "Break my record through lies and deception and I will take offense." In fact, the Bambino may not even let it happen.

Bonds was nailed by a foul ball off the bat of San Francisco Giants rookie infielder Kevin Frandsen. Bonds was standing behind the protective batting practice netting, but he was close enough that the ball caused Bonds to yelp after taking one off the dome. He sprawled out on the turf for several minutes while trainers attended to him.

Bonds trails Babe Ruth by two career home runs, but will be catch the Bambino? The message from the grave was probably just a warning. Because Babe Ruth didn’t do anything half assed you see. So if Bonds knows what’s good for him, he’ll quit now.

Why even bother continue one of the most tainted records in professional sports? Major League Baseball has already snubbed Bonds, saying they won’t sanction any celebration to honor Bonds should he break Ruth’s 714 home run mark. The league has also indicated that it will not certify any ball that is involved in a 714 or 715 Bonds home run.

IT was no coincidence that Bonds was injured in Milwaukee, home of the Brewers. Ruth was a notorious drinker, so the renegade baseball surely didn’t find its way to Bonds coconut by accident. The message was loud and clear.

Trifecta Tuesday

2006-05-03T00:03:00.000-07:00

• Los Angeles Lakers center Kwame Brown is being investigated for a sexual assault, which allegedly occurred following the Lakers Game 3 victory on Saturday night. No charges have been filed and Brown played in L.A.’s 114-97 loss to the Suns on Tuesday night. Lakers head coach is re-examining his team mantra, “Be like Kobe.”

• Tampa Bay Devil Rays farmhand Matt Rico was suspended for 100 games on Tuesday after testing positive for drugs. The Devil Rays were ecstatic, because now they have more roster room for upcoming 1st overall draft picks.

• Several Seattle Mariners pulled a fast one on manager Mike Hargrove, when they asked to join a nationwide labor boycott in support of immigrant rights. Mariners fans were left asking themselves if the entire team had planned on making an appearance anytime this season.

Like Father, Like Son

2006-05-01T23:25:00.000-07:00

Why isn't he doing something
honrable, like freezing his
father's head?

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. At least not when the tree is named Pete Rose. Rose’s sone, Pete Rose Jr., was sentenced Monday to one month in prison and five months of home detention for distributing a steroid to his Chattanooga Lookouts teammates. The 36-year old Rose has floundered in the minor leagues his entire career, hoping to mimic the notoriety that his father achieved as a baseball player/

He couldn’t do it with his baseball skills, so he turned to the next best thing, a baseball scandal.

"I made a mistake and hurt a lot of people," Rose said outside the courthouse after the sentencing. "The judge is great. He was very generous and I can't thank him enough. He doesn't have to worry about me doing anything like this again," Rose said.

Given that Rose probably won't be allowed anywhere near a baseball clubhouse, the chances of his becoming a repeat offender seem pretty slim.

The 36-year-old Rose pleaded guilty Nov. 7 to distributing the steroid alternative GBL. Rose faced up to two years in the clink and a $1 million fine. Like his father, he also will not be landing in the Baseball Hall of Fame anytime soon.

It's All In the Name

2006-04-28T02:31:00.000-07:00

Forget that NFL prospect's time in the 40, or the number of reps the guy can benchpress. There's an easier way to gauge NFL talent than to worry about verticle leaping ability and Wonderlic scores. In today's marketing happy NFL, it's all about what's on the outside that counts. Starting with the letters on the back of the guy's jersey. So we decided to help some of those clueless GM's out there by ranking the top 10 NAMES in this weekend's NFL draft. If an NFL GM needs a reason to pick someone, it may as well be becasue they have a cool name. Our picks, from top to bottom:

Rank	Player	Pos / School	Comments
1	D'Brickashaw Ferguson	OT, Virginia	An O-lineman with the word "brick" is his name. Priceless.
2	A.J. Hawk	LB, Ohio State	That name was made to play linebacker in the NFL
3	Lafaele (Vaka) Manupuna	DT, Colorado	Just thinking of John Madden trying to pronounce that name makes it a top pick
4	Kamerion Wimbley	DE/LB, Florida State	Sounds like a stealth wind
5	Haloti Ngata	DT, Oregon	Holy Gawd what just hit me?
6	Santonio Holmes	WR, Ohio State	Think of the nickname possibilities...Holmes
7	DeMeco Ryans	LB, Alabama	Da me going to bust you upside the head.
8	Kader Drame	DT, Syracuse	The Raiders should draft this guy just because of his name
9	Mathias Kiwanuka	DE, Boston College	Ugandan for "I'm going to tear you in half Mr. QB"
10	Kili Lefotu	OG, Arizona	Sounds like "kill you"

And for the least desirable:

Rank	Player	Pos / School	Comments
1	Ashton Youboty	CB, Ohio State	Girls first name. Last name sounds too much like booty.
2	Ghent Adrian	CB, Troy St	Gents have no place in the NFL
3	Sir Henry Anderson	DT, Oregon St	Just a bit too pretentious, don't ya think.
4	Damarius Bilbo	WR, Georgia Tech	Um, rhymes with...
5	Willie Colon	OT, Hofstra	Double whammie for this poor guy.
6	Trinity Dawson	RB, Toledo	Trinity? That's a girls name!
7	Elvis Dumervil	DE, Louisville	This guy could be Bill Parcells whipping boy all season
8	Banks Floodman	ILB, Kansas	This guy's pants can never be long enough
9	Tearrius George	DE, Kansas State	Does his best friend wear a big yellow hat?
10	Leverne Johnson	OLB, Troy St	Shirley you must be joking

Young & Stupid

2006-04-27T00:03:00.000-07:00

In 2003, Delmon Young was the first player taken in Major League Baseball’s amateur draft. On Wednesday night, Young was another dumb professional athlete who had made a bad decision in how to handle a situation on the field. Young thought it more appropriate to throw a bat into the chest of an umpire, rather than leave the field after getting tossed for arguing balls & strikes.

The younger brother of Detroit Tigers outfielder Dmitri Young. Perhaps big bro can knock some sense into the highly touted prospect.

Young delayed leaving the batter’s box after getting rung up by the umpire. When told that he, “you better get going”, Young flipped the bat end over end, striking the umpire in the chest.

"It was hard to say what was going through his mind. Guys have emotions. But you try to learn how to control them. I'm sure as the bat left his hands he knew it was a bad decision," said Pawtucket catcher Corky Miller.

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays, who selected Young with the first overall pick in the 2003 amateur draft, will not comment until they dig deeper into the predicament. They can afford to be harsh in any punishment, as 1st overall picks should be available to the Rays for the next 7 to 10 years.

Joke is All Bull

2006-04-26T01:22:00.000-07:00

Probably not the kind of marketing teh folks at Red Bull had in mind when they purchased the New York / New Jersey Metro Stars last March.

Alecko Eskandarian, a competitor who plays for D.C. United, was fined $250 by Major League Soccer on Tuesday for celebrating a goal by spitting out a mouthful of Red Bull. We don't blame him frankly, the stuff tastes like crap.

After scoring in United's 4-1 victory over the newly redubbed New York Red Bulls on Saturday, Eskandarian ran to the sideline and caught a can of the energy drink tossed to him by a teammate. Eskandarian took a swig and spat it out in mock disgust. He later said the prank was "just for laughs."

On Monday, he was honored as MLS player of the week. On Tuesday he was fined by the MLS ("More Laughs = Suspension") for the stunt. On Wednesday they'll probably make him Team President of the Red Bulls.

Trifecta Tuesday

2006-04-25T23:09:00.000-07:00

• The San Jose Mercury News reports that Baroid the Steroid's personal trainer Greg Anderson (of BALCO fame and misfortune) has been subpoenaed to testify in the Great Baroid Perjury trial of 2006. The Mercury News, citing an unidentified source close to the investigation, also reported that former Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative vice president James Valente was subpoenaed. It is unknown if Dusty Baker’s 6 year old son will be called as a witness, but we’re thinking it’s a good bet.

• The Denver Nuggets suspended Kenyon Martin indefinitely on Tuesday night for conduct detrimental to George Karl’s ego. Karl was upset that Martin was upset about something that upset Karl. It’s an ugly story that keeps getting worse. Both egos have agreed to ignore each other for the time being. Karl will have the easier time doing so, since he’s the one doing the suspending.

• The sticky-icky has landed sticky Rickey Williams on the NFL suspended list for the entire 2006 season. The Miami Dolphins running back will now be forced to contemplate his mistakes away from any NFL based support groups (otherwise referred to as football teams). Williams has decided to let the smoke clear before deciding on his next course of action.

Lacrosser May Have Issues

2006-04-25T20:07:00.000-07:00

Collin Finnerty, one of two Duke Lacrosse players who has been formally charged with eh rape of an exotic dancer, apparently has a bit of a checkered past. Finnerty was ordered Tuesday to stand trial in Washington on an unrelated assault charge. It seems that Finnerty and two accomplices are accused of punching a man after he told them to "stop calling him gay and other derogatory names.”

So he’s a rapist and a gay basher. What’s next? Nazi sympathizer? Child porn enthusiast? What the heck, the sky’s the limit.

The beauty of this latest revelation is that Finnerty is now going back to court on the assault charge because he couldn’t keep his nose clean. He would have been off the hook with some community service. But no, that would be too easy. So he takes the rape route and bam, the gay basher story is front page news.

Dumb Collin.

WC NFL Draft Forecast Game

2006-04-23T19:24:00.000-07:00

Alright all you pigskin prognosticators, it's time to join us for the NFL Draft Forecast game.

This game challenges you to predict the top 15 selections in order for the upcoming NFL Draft, using our easy to use drag and drop draft ranker. Best of all, it's FREE to play.

Get in the action now:
http://games.espn.go.com/draftforecast/group?groupID=1264

Game Front: http://games.espn.go.com/draftforecast/frontpage

Once you sign up, join the following group: "World Chumps"

Sunday Roundup

2006-04-23T16:14:00.000-07:00

• A West Virginia student was detained at Marshall University's Edwards Stadium and had pages from a stenographer's seized after the student was caught diagramming Marshalll formations during a team practice.

Wonder if he gives
odds as well?

• How smart is Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon? He bet teammate Kevin Youklis that he's let teammates give him a mohawk if he opened the season by pitching 10 scoreless innings. We have no idea what Papelbon's Wonderlic score was.

• Speaking of the Red Sox and "dumb", the team ended one of the dumbest disputes in baseball history by settling with former first baseman Doug Mientkiewicz on the fate of the ball that Mientkiewicz caught to end the 2004 World Series. Neither team will get it after all. It will spend the rest of eternity (or the period between Red Sox championships) in the Baseball Hall of Fame

• Baroid the Steroid ended his home run drought by belting his first of the year at Coors Field. After rouding the bases, he held a finger to his lips in a sad attempt to silence the Denver crowd. He just doesn't get it does he. They're booing you because you're a cheater genius.

• Forget the fact that LaVar Arrington was in court to support his agent Carl Poston, but recognize that Carl Poston was in court. The scourge of NFL agents is facing a two-year suspension by the NFL Players Association.

• More Busch League antics by one of the Busch boys. This time it was little moron Kyle Busch who slammed into Casey Mears car after a red flag had been issued to the field during the race at Phoenix Speedway on Saturday night. A red flag means "stop immediately". Everyone on the track got the message except for the trouble prone Busch.

• Giants Manager Felipe Alou needs to do more reading. He asked that an investigation be conducted to understand why Omar Vizquel was geeting beaned so often in Colorado over the weekend. Read Omar's book Felipe.

• Those Chinese are pulling out all the stops for the 2008 Summer Olympics. They've also figured out a way to get rid of poor neighborhoods along the way. You simply bulldoze them. Apparently the dude driving this Jonh Deere wasn't the same guy driving the tank in Tiananmen Square.

• Gotta hand it to Washington Nationals GM Jim Bowden for hanging on to his sense of humor. In his first public comment after being arrested for drunk driving and getting beaten up by his girlfriend earlier this week, Bowden put his situation into perspective. "If you have to spend a day in jail, at least it's an off-day, so you don't miss a game," he said. "There were some pretty good athletes in there. So if they get out, we might be able to work a couple out."

Reggie's Got Some Splanin To Do

2006-04-23T16:07:00.000-07:00

Incredible to think that guys that are on the verge of raking in more money than they could ever imagine, still jump the gun and break the rules. Being the first overall pick in the NFL draft almost guarantees that kind of money. Everybody’s All-American, and soon-to-be #1 overall pick, Reggie Bush may have been a little jumpy in Cash Collection 101 while at USC.

Charles Robinson of Yahoo Sports is reporting that Bush’s parents promptly vacated a 3,000-square-foot house in a San Diego suburb over the weekend after the website approached Bush’s mother with inquiries about why they were living in a house that was linked to Michael Michaels, a sports marketer. Mr. Michaels is alleged to have tried to steer Bush to an agent.

USC has referred the matter to the NCAA.

"Rather than jumping to conclusions, we need to determine the facts before commenting on this report," Trojans athletic director Mike Garrett said in a statement released by the school on Friday. "We have asked the Pac-10 to look into this."

The school will need to do everything in its power to demonstrate that it had no knowledge of Bush’s dealings with Michaels, so any impropriety be proven. While Bush is raking in millions starting next week, the school gets to do the NCAA sanction-shuffle. What is it with SC running backs and their holier-than-thou attitudes?

MLB Drops the Gloves

2006-04-20T00:28:00.000-07:00

Major League Baseball finally took action against Barry Bonds on Wednesday. After a grand jury investigation, a possible grand jury indictment for perjury, and a tell-all book that has exposed Bonds as a roid-a-holic, the league acted swiftly, slapping Bonds with a $5,000 fine for wearing non-league approved wristbands.

Bob Watson, baseball's vice president for on-field operations, announced the ruling, but added that Bonds has already appealed. The league has had all it can stand, and it can’t stands no more.

"It probably will go to an arbitrator," Watson said.

Watson and other league officials were patting themselves on the back for taking such decisive action and hitting this epidemic squarely at the root.

Bonds was not in the lineup on Wednesday night. Apparently he was too distraught with the penalty to take the field as the Giants squared off with the Arizona Diamondbacks in Phoenix.

In related news, junkies around the globe have adopted a new wristband fashion craze. The elastic terry-cloth garments are not only fashionable, but functional. They come in a variety of colors and they easily camouflage track marks.

Apparently they don't offer Business Ethics 101

2006-04-19T23:50:00.000-07:00

Buy 3, Get 1 free
pair of handcuffs

Duke’s Fuqua School of Business is one of the nation’s best places to learn about the great art of capitalism. The school’s retail store is leveraging the publicity, albeit bad, that the school’s lacrosse team has garnered in the past month for the sexual assault charges that have been brought upon two of the team’s players. So like any good (translation: evil) capitlist, the store is moving "Duke Lacrosse" merchandise like hotcakes.

"Historically, lacrosse has been one of our three or four best-selling sports," said Tom Craig, general manager of retail stores at the Durham, N.C., school. "But over the last month, sales have increased to three or four times our normal rate."

This guy can’t be serious.

"We just had to keep up with the demand," Craig said. "There are a couple outstanding orders that we are waiting on; but as of now, we are in great shape in terms of inventory online and at the stores."

The demand? Unreal! This guy is jonesing because he’s moving inventory thanks to the alleged rape of a woman by representatives of the school.

"I don't think we're taking advantage of the situation," Craig said.

Expect the “Son of Sam digs Duke” t-shirts in the campus bookstore in time for Christmas. The “Coach KKK” line should also be a big hit by the time lynching or basketball season rolls around (whichever comes first).

MLB Busts Out the "Naughty Corner" to Curb Roid Use

2006-04-19T00:38:00.000-07:00

Major League Baseball dropped its Styrofoam hammer on Tuesday by suspending five no-name minor leaguers for positive steroids. Arizona Diamondbacks minor-league pitcher Angel Rocha won the bonus prize with a 100 game suspension for failing a second test.

The four others suspended, received 50 game penalties. Those scape goats included: Los Angeles Angels pitcher Karl Jelinas, New York Mets pitcher Jorge Reyes, St. Louis outfielder Yonathan Sivira and San Diego pitcher Matthew Varner.

Any major leaguer caught failing a test under the new toothless plan would receive the first time penalty of 50 games, regardless of if they failed a previous test under the old plan. That’ll teach those dirty scoundrels.

ESPN’s Pedro Gomez still has a sneaking suspicion that Barry Bonds has taken steroids, and is out to prove it. He’s still waiting for his copy of Game of Shadows, so his breaking news will have to wait a week or two.

Sunday Roundup

2006-04-16T21:00:00.000-07:00

• Former Denver Broncos tight end Clarence Kay was arrested AGAIN. The eight year NFL vet has been arrested 12 times between 1984 and 2000. This time he faces a misdemeanor domestic violence charge for allegedly ramming his girlfriend's head into a carport.

• Los Angeles Kings forward Sean Avery squared off with Mighty Ducks of Anaheim television analyst Brian Hayward earlier this week. Avery took offense to some remarks Hayward had said about Avery on a Ducks broadcast. The two squared off in the Kings locker room. "You're the reason the league doesn't have a national television deal. You're a (terrible) announcer and you were a (terrible) player," Avery said during the exchange. Hayward’s response: "How would you know? When I played, you were in your third year of eighth grade."

Fore the love of god!

• Speaking of the Kings...the pregame dominators turned another hot October and November into a season of discontent with their elimination from the Stanley Cup Playoffs this week. The Vancouver Canucks followed suit with an implosion of their own.

• Carrie Mae Stoudemire, 50, mother of Phoenix Suns star Amare Stoudemire could face up to 4 1/2 years in jail if convicted for two counts of aggravated DUI stemming from an accident last October. She was on probation for two other aggrevated DUI's at the time. She also gave arresting officers a fake driver's license. Stoudemire remains under house arrest until her trial begins in June.

• Yet another reason why the Orioles won't win the AL East any time soon. A home run hit by Javier Lopez on Sunday turned into an RBI single and an out after Lopez passed Miguel Tejada on the base path.

• And another story that should make North American professional athletes kiss the tails of their fans. Bulgaria's Botev Plovdiv soccer team needed a police escort after supporters in 30 cars chased down their bus while returning from a 2-1 loss to Sofia. Players ignited the ire of their fans after flipping the bird at them following a heated discussion on the loss.

• Two children were injured at a minor-league baseball game promotion that turned into the a big fat mess. The West Michigan Whitecaps dropped $1000 at Fifth Third Ballpark, then allowed children ranging from five to twelve to dash for the cash. A 7-year-old was trampled in the stampede.

• A cricket match in Bangladesh turned nasty, when a group of reporters and photographers squared off with the local police chartered with guarding the event. The media group was upset that a policeman had assaulted a photographer earlier in the 3-day test match. A good old fashioned cricket donnybrook broke out, resulting in several injuries to the reporters (apparently pencils aren’t as effective as batons). One reporter underwent surgery to stop a severe head injury.

• Baroid the Steroid's beaning in Los Angeles on Sunday had nothing to do with the alleged drug induced advantage that he's used to pound home runs off Dodgers pitching. It was in retaliation for the pitch Jeff Kent took off the dome earlier in the game. The events could make Giants-Dodgers matchups worth watching for the first time since Jon Roseboro retired.

Aussies, don't take no, uuh, jive...

2006-04-15T23:05:00.000-07:00

Does this mean leg warmers
will be back in style soon?

Can’t say that we know any fat Australians, but the country down under is taking measures to ensure that the battle of the bulge doesn’t get out of hand. Well, at least not for the country’s cheerleaders. Gymnastics Australia, the governing body of all things pom-pom for the Aussies, has banned exposed midriffs for all cheerleading troupes by the end of the year.

Nerine Cooper, national cheerleading manager for Gymnastics Australia, said the decision was needed because cheerleaders often performed in front of family groups. And GA also doesn’t like fat girls apparently.

"We don't want girls to feel under pressure to lose weight because of uniforms," she told Sydney's Sunday Telegraph.

So which is it? You don’t want the girls to have eating disorders or you don’t want all the dads in Australia ogling the nation’s cheerleaders?

Lisa Ince, head of Sydney Promotional Dancers, disagrees

"It's ridiculous really, if the thinking is that a midriff is offensive, then every dance school and athletics club would face the same restrictions," Ince said.

And she forgot strip clubs and topless car washes. If you’re going to make an argument, pull out all the stops Lisa.

Now That's Focus

2006-04-15T10:20:00.000-07:00

The next time you shoot triple digits on the golf course, stop pitying yourself and think about David Lynn’s round in the Volvo China Open. Lynn leads the tournament at Honghua International Golf Club by a stroke after shooting a five-under-par 67 on Thursday.

What’s so remarkable about a professional golfer shooting a nice round? Well, Lynn did it with a massive boil on his groin.

"I saw the doctor on Monday and it got quite bad on Wednesday and Thursday. I couldn't really line up my putts."

Imagine that. Lynn had the boil removed, so that he can really focus on his game.

"It takes your mind off golf."

Baroid Headed to the Bull Pen(itentiary)?

2006-04-14T00:43:00.000-07:00

Do you you think they'll
let him bring his wig?

No wonder Baroid hasn’t been launching bombs into McCovey Cove like every SF Giants fan had dreamed entering this season. He’s been too preoccupied with the notion of going to jail! The Associated Press is reporting that a federal grand jury is investigating Baroid to see if he committed perjury in 2003.

You may recall that other grand jury, way back in the golden age of baseball, 2003, when Baroid was summoned to testify on the BALCO scandal. His testimony indicated that he didn’t know that substances given to him by his personal trainer Greg Anderson, where steroids.

You can say a lot of thing about the U.S. government, but you can’t say the feds can’t make your life a living hell if they’re motivated enough. Lying to a grand jury is not one of our top 10 suggestions for keeping in good standing with the feds.

But Baroid doesn’t live on the same planet as you and I. He lives somewhere between Neverland and Wonderland (he does look a bit like the Cheshire Cat when he’s grinning doesn’t he?).

Do they let ESPN film crews into federal penitentiaries?

Around the Horn

2006-04-12T21:24:00.000-07:00

• 10 unforgettable World Cup red cards [Who Ate All The Bratwurst]
• Urologist's Rap Rips T.O. [Early World]
• Say Hi to Barry with a sign [The GYS Network]
• MLB Steroid Auction [Lost Brain]
• Pacers Miss Having Ron Artest To Blame For Everything [The Brushback]

The Last Temptation of Copa Mundial

2006-04-12T01:27:00.000-07:00

Elvis has left the town
along with the party

If you’re going to Germany for this summer’s World Cup with expectations of all you can consume soccer, suds and sex, be sure to steer clear of Bad Nauheim (rhymes with “Bad Time”). The resort town just north of Frankfurt is pulling out all the stops for its guests from Saudi Arabia, which includes hiding all the alcohol and cutting off the porn channels in town hotels as a means to remove all temptation for its Muslim guests.

"We do have a photo exhibition in the pool area which shows a lot of skin and it goes without saying that it will be removed by then," Michel Prokop, general manager of the Hotel Dolce Bad Nauheim, told Reuters.

Art nouveau paintings that feature naked boys wearing wigs will also be removed from a theater in town (not sure that would have been on our “must see” list).

"We will leave the Pay-TV on in their rooms but the porn movie channels will of course be turned off," said Prokop. "All the alcohol will be removed from the mini bars and replaced with soft drinks."

Kind of amusing that the town that once served as home for Elvis Presley’s while he was in the Army from 1956 to 1960, will be the last place any hound dog will want to frequent during the Cup. Party On (over to the next town buddy)!

No, Motor Oil Was Not Involved

2006-04-10T23:50:00.000-07:00

Cat fight! Well almost. After NASCAR Super Dork Kurt Busch wrecked Greg Biffle at Texas Motor Sppedway on Sunday, Biffle’s extremely hot girlfriend Nicole Lunders, stormed out of Biffle’s pit and bee-lined it over to Busch’s pit before giving Busch’s girlfriend an earful. Apparently she was not convinced that Busch’s tactics were honorable, so she decided to stand up for her man.

The first question that came to mind after hearing this story was, Kurt Busch has a girlfriend??? Really? You sure she’s not one of those Winston girls that gets paid to stand around the track and shill cigarettes?

This is the same Kurt Busch who had to pin his ears back in the off-season because he was losing a tenth of second per lap because of the drag.

"That just shows her professionalism," Busch said of Biffle’s woman after the race. No, no, no Kurt, you’re the one who has to pay your woman to be there. That makes your girl the professional.