Come into my world and brighten up my days...

feeling quite high now.....

2005-12-20T06:58:00.000-08:00

today went out with my colleagues for lunch at jp then went to je to meet say wee cos he bought me something from Aceh.....a cake....then went swimming with nee but was not in the mood to swim just swam two laps and went off for dinner as we decided to go drink haha became a alcoholic dunno since when......had a chivas with green tea with lots and lots of chivas haha.....still not high yet cos still can type this blog of mine :p

feeling very blue cos my r/s problem still not solve sianz.......he just do not want to talk about it....dunno what to do just can torture myself by drinking and not think abt it haha....

continue tomolo la.....go drink le....

Still feeling blue....

2005-12-19T17:27:00.000-08:00

Its morning already and i did not had a good nite sleep......a lot had been going on in my mind......he went out with friend to play billard and i knew abt it.....but my mind had never had peace as i kept wondering if he had smoked....haiz think i am really torturing myself for that......y must i be so stubborn and insist i do not know but i know that i am really feeling very terrible inside.....today he will be meeting another friend to collect some stuff from him....yet another smoker sianz(billion million times).....it will definitely keep me wondering again.....wonder if there is a device that will help me track if he had smoked but come to think of it wats the point of knowing and yet cant do anything abt it besides hurting myself....i really dun understand myself.....knowing makes me sad but ignorant definitely is not a bliss....it makes me feel even worst....i often wonder y am i in such a terrible state while he is able to go out and have such a great time(so it seems)!!!! Life really sucks now i know the feeling of "better being off dead then being alive" haiz........

to carry on what i said yesterday......he told me that i am being very unreasonable and that he needed his private space......but i think this private space is really killing me.....the larger it gets the heavier the space is on me.....HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

Y tell me y is he able to live his life so meaningfully while i am here suffering.......am i asking for suffering myself or is it suppose to be like that???? i really hope that he will be able to answer all my questions and build a dreamed r/s (where all gals dream of) for me.....for eg. being very very very caring towards me, paying more attention to me, making me feel that i am the most important person in his life, not doing things to hurt me...........and lots more.

When then will things be fine again for me? This i DEFINITELY do not know but i really hope that he will one day be able to see this blog of mine and feel how terrible i feel.....

dying,
signing off

My first posting!!!

2005-12-19T08:15:00.000-08:00

Hmm how should i start my first blog....well i should start of with how i am feeling and y am i only starting to blog now....haha.....well have been feeling kind of blue these past weeks and need a place to let out all my frustrations and hence decided to blog since everyone is blogging.....hope that by doing this i am able to feel much much better ba.....

hmm feeling kind of blue as usual due to r/s problem.....think i am too dependent on my bf and that being a very sensitive gal....when i mean sensitive it's really those kind that reach the ultimate limit.... and easily jealous gal, i think i am having a very big problem here.....the worst thing is that my bf does not share with me what he thinks and leave me there to guess what he is thinking.....imagine such a sensitive and jealous gal wondering around in thoughts....its no wonder NOTHING good will come out of it....haha....

the day started quite bad with me as usual getting angry hmm or should i say sianz bcos i got to know that my bf went out last nite without telling me and even refuse to pick up my call (as he was catching a movie he claimed) while i was at home the whole day pacing around pretending to be a good gal by helping mum to clear her room and looking at the hp every hour (i swear) just waiting for a msg from him....i am not greedy really just one msg from him would really make my day but NO there wasnt any....can u imagine how i felt when i got up early in the morning (without a good nite sleep cos the night before i could not get him on the phone and i just told myself maybe he is asleep) just to look for him so that i will quit feeling so lousy and found out that he was sleeping away and that he went out the night b4 and left me to suffer all alone at home???? Shouldnt he just msg me to tell me that he is going out or that he is in a middle of a movie???? Hmm maybe i am just too calculative as in whenever i tried to make things better there is always something bad waiting for me to be angry.....and that i can choose to just forget it or get angry and ALWAYS i will choose the latter......strange huh but i just feel that he had not tried to pacify me enough to help me to get over it.....

i remembered last sat when i went to church (hmm must say i seldom go to church), there is a sentence that i will always remember that is

"A gal will always say that she had forgiven the guy when he did something wrong but it will definitely take awhile maybe a week or even longer when she see that the guy is really remorseful either by his actions or that he never commit the same mistake again that she will fully forgive him!!!"

Hmm think that service was really meant to send me a msg......haha.....well today was not a good day for me too as i found out that he smoked again......knowing fully that i HATED him to smoke and that he promised me that he will not smoke again....but what can i do......there is really nothing that i can do to stop him I FEEL SO HELPLESS!!!!

i think i really have a lot of frustrations in me that i wanna let out.....but think i will just stop here....

Quote for the day:

"Never err or u will regret and suffer the consequence for the rest of your life."
by me