Daydream Believer

This Old Haunt Update

2009-07-12T23:52:00.001-05:00

It's a bit early, but I just posted Episode Two of This Old Haunt (sans audio, I'm afraid). And that's one less thing I have to put on Monday's intimidatingly long To Do list.

Lately, 7.11.09

2009-07-11T15:48:00.001-05:00

Things are getting better. Most of the outstanding invoices I was waiting on when the crisis hit have since been taken care of, and I already sold one Opus & Bill ornament at a respectable Buy It Now price to an enthusiastic collector. So the immediate crisis is past. I'm still concerned about making the house payment at the end of the month, but I'm trying very hard to trust in the Lord's provision and not stress out about it. For one thing, the others are all going to sell, and hopefully toward the end of the auction tomorrow the bidding will heat up. No Craigslisters have offered us a price to beat what the scrap yard offered us for the Buick, but the amount the scrap yard will give us will still help. And I have plenty more collectibles and vintage goodies that I'll be getting ready to either eBay or post in my Etsy shop tomorrow. I also accidentally made a really cute bracelet the other day (I was trying to make a collar for Boudica, but I didn't make it long enough), so I'll be making more of those for the shop.

On the work front, the one regular Task Wrangler client is keeping me busy, and thanks to their referral, I just signed a new client who I think will have plenty for me to do for weeks to come. If I can just rustle up two more steady clients of that caliber, we'll be in good shape. If I can find four more, we'll even be, dare I say, comfortable. For now I just need to focus on keeping these two really happy so hopefully they'll spread the word and bring in more referrals. I also need to find time to write some more articles-for-hire for Demand Studios. Their pay isn't the greatest, but it's easy money, or at least it would be if I could stop being such a perfectionist and stop taking several hours to craft a 500 word how-to article.

So I'm a lot more optimistic than I was a week ago. Getting through this month is looking doable. There's still August to scrape through, but I'll worry about that when it gets here. One day, one month, one house payment at a time. The hardest part is not being able to take care of things when they go wrong. Our air conditioner, for example, isn't cooling the house, but I don't know where we're gonna get even the $60 to cover the home warranty service call (and as handy as it's come in, I'm pretty sure renewing the year of home warranty service that came with the house isn't going to happen). And we need to repair a tire for the car (did I mention that, on the way back from the bank when I went to put in some cash borrowed off of our only active credit card to fix the overdraft mess that started this whole crisis in the first place, I got a flat tire? "When it rains, it pours" is a cliche because it's true, and that's why it's used so often. Sheesh). But those are merely inconveniences, thankfully, and they can wait until funds are flowing a little more freely again.

Thanks to all of you who offered sympathy and encouragement. It helped me keep my perspective.

Looking forward: later today I'll be posting the audio version of the first episode of This Old Haunt -- that is, if the file doesn't get completely erased after almost two hours of recording and editing just as I'm about to finish it, like it did the other day. The rest of the weekend, despite being tempted to languish in the wilting heat with a book and a tall, cold glass of iced tea, I'll be getting the next episode, both written and audio, ready to post on Monday, and also getting the above-mentioned items ready for my shop and eBay.

What about you guys? What are you doing to beat the heat and/or the economy?

THIS OLD HAUNT is live

2009-07-06T22:11:00.001-05:00

The first episode of my e-novella project is up. You can read it here, and I would be ever so happy if you were to leave a comment there letting me know you dropped by.

My finances are a wash. Or, they're as fracked as Wash. Take your pick, they're both true.

2009-07-06T01:31:00.001-05:00

Remember in my last post, how I said we were good for this month, and then things would get dicey? Yeah. I remember thinking that was how it was. That's a nice memory.

Here, though, is the reality: thanks to my infuriating combination of a flighty attention span and bad math skills, we're out of money now. Like, completely. So completely that we were actually a couple hundred dollars in the hole, but my husband the ex-banker convinced the nice customer service rep to refund the overdraft fees, thank you Bank of America (suck it, IBC!). So we're at nothing, with bills on the way.

Instead of crying about it--okay, after crying about it a lot--I went into action. I stocked and re-opened my Etsy shop, where shipping on all items is free on purchases made between now and next Saturday. I listed all of my Bloom County/Outland/Opus Christmas ornaments on eBay. I have an old Buick for sale. And I set up a new blog for posting my novella, This Old Haunt. And yes, there is a tip jar. Donations are completely optional, and I was careful to make that clear.

Before the critics descend to tell me I should get a job--that's what I've been trying to do for the last six months. Broadening my field and lowering my standards haven't helped. I can't even find temp or part time work. Business is trickling in on the Virtual Assistant and freelance writing fronts, but paydays from that are small and slow in coming. If we can just make it through July and August, I think we'll be okay for the rest of the year. But rest assured, I'm working my butt off, and I honestly don't know what else to do that doesn't involve illicit surgery and the black market.

I just don't want to lose my house. I don't know what we'll do if it comes to that.

So anyway, if you, dear readers, could take a look at my offerings and see if there's anything you like well enough to pay for, I will be eternally grateful. I'll be equally grateful if you help spread the word about This Old Haunt, where the first episode will go live tomorrow.

Thank you. And if you ever need a helping hand, don't ever hesitate to ask me.

Thinking out loud to keep from panicking

2009-06-29T20:26:00.001-05:00

I've been kicking around the idea of doing something akin to this. The idea of asking for donations in exchange for anything makes me twitchy, after the way it went last time; but I'm more comfortable with the idea of placing an optional tip jar next to my work than I am charging outright for it. So far, this has just been an idea floating around the back of my head. I haven't had anything anywhere near ready to even show to the public, let alone suggest anybody might think it's worth a few dollars.

But a few things have changed. First, I have a novella that's almost ready to go. Since it's a novella, and not a full-length novel, it's going to be hard to market to mainstream publishers, and even when I thought I could squeeze a whole entire novel out of it, I still considered putting it online in some form, whether as an e-book or in podcast form.

Second, you know how ever since I got laid off in January, I've been saying that we're doing fine, and it's not time to panic? Well, I logged into my bank account earlier, and panic gripped my soul.

Here's the thing: I've been looking for full-time work since that crap-tastic day in January, but haven't been able to land so much as a temp job in the brick-and-mortar world. Online, things have been a little better. I started my freelance writing/web design/copy editing/virtual assistant biz in April, and since then I've secured two regular clients; but that's not nearly enough to get by on, even with the continued unemployment benefits (if you're wondering, in Oklahoma you have to meet a certain weekly threshold of hours worked and income earned before you're disqualifed from unemployment, and so far I haven't even come close to that threshhold).

My husband is disabled, and he filed for Disability Insurance in February. We're still waiting for Social Security to make a decision. He's already been to two of their doctors, and they just scheduled a third doctor's evaluation for August. So that money, if we even get approved for it, isn't coming any time soon. We're trying to think of things he can do in the meantime, like maybe blogging or teaching beginner guitar, but those are both things that take time to build up a readership/clientelle and start earning anything.

Thing is, we're running out of time. When I first got laid off, we had our emergency fund, and just as that started to dwindle to panic-inducing levels, we got our tax refund and were able to replenish our savings. But now that's running out, too. I think we're good for July, and in September, Husband should be getting a student loan check that'll get us through the rest of the year. That leaves August. If I can just scrape together enough to pay our bills for August, I think we'll be okay.

But for that I've got to pull out all the stops. Take on more low-paying, uncredited writing-for-hire assignments, auction off my Opus & Bill Christmas ornament collection, market the bejeezes out of my business, get my Etsy shop stocked...and pimp out my writing, any way I can. Whatever I can do to pay my mortgage and keep from losing my house.

So I've got this novella, and I'm pretty sure there are people who would enjoy reading it. I'm even pretty sure some people would be willing to pay to read it. But I know I'm tragically, comically far from being the only one struggling through tough times right now, which is another reason I'm more comfortable with the "if you like it, if you are able, pay what you think it's worth" model. No obligation, no guilt, and feedback is lovely payment too.

Nothing's written in stone yet. I kind of wanted to put this out there to see what kind of reaction I'm in for before I go and do it. Also, the story needs one more polish, and if I do this I want to set up a nice web site for it, and I might go ahead and podcast it, too, if I can get over my hatred of my own voice for long enough. And now if I do go through with it, I'll be able to point to this post as an explanation.

And hey, this little experiment will do double-duty by testing the indie-internet-publishing waters to help me decide if that's really the right venue for The Hero Factor, if I ever get around to revising that behemoth.

Why freelancing is so very right for me. Also, a cat update.

2009-06-22T16:42:00.001-05:00

I think the very best thing about going freelance is exactly the reason why I've always wanted to go freelance: if I can't get focused, that's okay, because I make my own schedule. I'm not punching a clock, and I don't have to be productive during a set span of hours in the day. I can go do something else, and then get my work done when my brain is more settled--whether that settled time is at two in the afternoon or two in the morning. It's awesome. And it's also a very good thing, because today is an extremely unfocused day. My mind refuses to settle down and stop wandering. I started to get frustrated, because I have work to do, but then I remembered that there's no reason I can't simply wait to do it until tonight. My mind is almost always sharper in the evenings. I would probably do all of my work in the evenings anyway if that wasn't when Husband usually wants to hang out and watch movies. Or if I wasn't addicted to prime time television two-thirds of every year.

Anyway, here's a cat update: There's still no sign that anyone is out there missing Boudica, and I'm glad, because the longer she stays the more I would miss her if I had to give her back. She's still being a bit of a brat and pushing her limits, but she's starting to settle down and accept some of the house rules. Niblet has come out of hiding and started eating regularly again, and has even made up with Pete. Husband is having second thoughts about his second thoughts. In other words, it's all going as I predicted, and short of finding that elusive original owner to take her back, Boudica's staying put. She still tries to get outside (and made it this morning), but I'm pretty sure she just wants to hang out in the yard and isn't trying to run away. Even so, I don't trust her not to duck under the fence and take off, so she's strictly an indoor kitty as long as we can remember not to hold the patio door open too wide for too long. Maybe after she's been here a bit longer we'll try going out on a leash. Even if that doesn't work out, at least it should provide some amusing blog fodder.

It can't be a mere coincidence that cat rhymes with brat.

2009-06-19T12:00:00.001-05:00

It has been a tiring week, dear readers, mainly thanks to my own biology sapping me of energy and giving me aches and pains for the last three days. When I found myself with some downtime between client projects, I was initially jazzed to have time to work on my own projects. Projects like setting up the template I created for I Made This! and getting that blog up and running, and redesigning this blog (especially since the background graphics for the template I'm currently using keep disappearing), and re-stocking and re-launching my Etsy shop, and making some promotional materials for The Task Wrangler, and of course novel revisions, and... and... wow, there's always an and. It really is a never-ending list. Which is why I'm mildly annoyed with myself for choosing to neglect it in favor of lazing about and napping as much as possible. But only mildly so. My body apparently needed the rest, and I'm sure I'd regret it even more if I didn't listen and give in to its not-so-subtle request.

But that window of opportunity has closed, and it's time to get back to work. I spoke with one of my clients this morning and now I've got plenty to keep me busy for the next few days. Husband and I were considering driving way out to the country to join his extended family on their private campgrounds this weekend, but he's not feeling so great, either, and neither of us can muster up the energy to pack for the trip, never mind the actual camping part. They'll be there all week through next weekend, though, so there's plenty of time for us to catch up with them. And so I'll be working through the weekend to makeup for all the lounging I did through the week.

Now it's time for the New Cat Report: Boudica is settling in, but she's at the point where she's testing boundaries and asserting her true personality, and it turns out she's a bit of a brat. She's still mostly sweet and obedient with me, but she's turned on Husband a couple of times, and she keeps challenging his authority to the point where he's pretty exasperated. She also keeps trying to get outside. She made it last night, when we lingered too long in the open patio doorway while bringing food in from the grill, and made a break for freedom. I caught her just before she tried to go under the fence. I need to get a collar on her ASAP.

So between her willfulness, and the fact that Niblet's barely eating since Boudica joined us, we're having second thoughts on whether she's a permanent part of this family. We're still looking for her original owner, but so far, nobody appears to be looking for her, and obviously we'll foster her until a new home is found, if it comes to that, and if we can keep her from running away before then. Though I suspect that after another week or so, she'll get used to the rules and routine, Niblet will come out of hiding and start eating again, and Husband will decide that maybe she belongs with us after all. This is just an adjustment period, which we knew wouldn't be easy. Other than all that, she's gaining weight and looking healthy and content.

And now the time has come to stop talking at you, drink up my last cup of coffee for the day, and get my work head on straight. I have a lot to get done before it cools down enough this evening to mow my jungle of a lawn. What about you guys? Are you also conquering work this weekend, yard or otherwise, or do you have something fun planned? Or are you just going to relax? Tell me, I want to know!

If we're dog people, why do we have all these stinkin' cats?

2009-06-16T16:45:00.002-05:00

Meet Boudica. Meet, also, the only successful picture I've been able to take of her face, so far. All of my other attempts were thwarted by a swift head-butt to the camera. It's not the best shot, and fails to adequately show off her bright green eyes and completely lops off her big ears, and she's not all that distinguishable from Niblet; but at least it's not a blur, and so it gets to be her first impression on the world.

We began to notice this cat lurking in and around our yard early last week. She must have been casing the joint and sizing us up, and apparently she liked what she saw, because come Sunday night, she met us out front while we were taking out the garbage and proceeded to get her flirt on, big time. We of course, being the total suckers that we are, completely fell for her chirpy little meows and big, big green eyes and exotic markings and her considerable charm. Her prominent hip and rib bones sure didn't hurt her case, either. It took less than ten minutes for us to go from "Aww, cute kitty, where do you live?" to "Maybe we should take her to a shelter" to "Let's put some kibble out for her" to trapping her in our garage and making plans to take her to the vet.

"Nom nom nom nom nom"

And just like that, we have three cats. She spent the first night in the garage, since we wanted to get her checked out and vaccinated before exposing the other pets to her, where she went through two whole bowls of kibble. When she wasn't eating, she was perched on the washer with her face pressed up against the door that leads from the garage to the kitchen, meowing pitifully and thoroughly freaking out Niblet and Sasha, who, having apparently called a temporary truce from mutual shanking attempts, both sat in the kitchen giving us "WTH?!" looks in unison.

By the next morning, the fog of "Aww cute kitty hungry sad hurry feed her HURRY!" wore off, and we began to have second thoughts about keeping her. But in between rational discussions about the pros and cons and which no-kill shelters could take her soonest, we kept sneaking visits out to the garage, where her excitement at seeing us reached puppy-like proportions.

"I can has home nau? U can gives belly skritches."

Like I said, we're suckers. And so we sucked it up and took her to the vet, where it was discovered that she was already spayed and declawed (PSA-time: This is one of MANY reasons declawing is a horrible thing to do to your cat. She was stuck outside, wandering around for who knows how long, with no means of climbing to safety or otherwise defending herself if she'd been attacked by a dog or a wild animal; not to mention how it screwed with her ability to hunt and catch her own food. Now I need to take a deep breath and count slowly back from ten. Here endeth the PSA), but was not microchipped, so I got to release the breath I'd been holding fearing we'd have to give her back to somebody.

Now, lest you think I'm being totally selfish, I did come home and check the Craigslist lost and found, realizing that A) judging from her markings and her quirky personality, she's obviously at least part Bengal and thus probably cost somebody a pretty penny to adopt in the first place, B) whoever that somebody was, poor judgment aside, obviously had a lot of money invested in her, what with the declawing, and C) regardless of how much money was tied up in her, if she was my kitty and she went missing, I would cry and cry and plaster every telephone pole between here and the Blue Dome District with her cute little mug, and posting a lost cat ad on Craigslist would be the least I would do. I didn't find an ad, and I'm not going to post one, because, refer back to C. Obviously nobody's looking for her that hard. I know accidents happen and pets sometimes run away through no fault of the owner, but between that and the declawing, I just think we'll do better by her. Plus, after the vet visit, now we've got more money tied up in her than we can really afford, and besides, we're already attached like Flick's tongue to the flag pole.

"I's no Tabby! I has un-yoosh-yul markings!"

At any rate, she was also cleared of Feline AIDS and Leukemia, given all her shots and treated for fleas, and then it was home to introduce her to the rest of the family. That part actually went better than I thought, due in no small part, I think, to her being too tuckered out to pose much of a threat. Sasha and Niblet aren't happy about it, not in the least, but so far Boudica seems pretty non-confrontational, so there hasn't been anything scarier than growling and hissing at her from a distance. By now, they've all pretty well agreed to ignore and avoid each other.

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

Pete, on the other hand, can't wait til she gets over her anti-dog bigotry and decides to be his new best friend. Especially since this morning when a stressed out Niblet, his old best friend, shocked and betrayed him by greeting his attempts to play with a sharp claw to the head. His feelings were wildly hurt, but after a morning-long pouting session, he's ready to shake it off and move on with the new girl.

She's been an official Bauhaus for almost a full twenty-four hours now, and I think we're all pretty happy with the situation. She's really a neat cat. Right now she's all gangly limbs and ridiculously long tail, but I'm sure she'll fatten up soon enough. She's more affectionate than either of our other cats, which is nice. Also, she's chatty. I think she vocalizes practically every thought that passes through her pretty little noggin. I'm going to have to learn an entire new vocabulary of meows and chirps. As for the name, Boudica, it just popped out while Husband was talking to her Sunday night, and we were both struck by how well it fit that we didn't even consider any other names.

If she was legitimately lost and not abandoned like we suspect, then I'm sorry to her original owners for their loss, because it would really suck to lose this kitty. And if they see this, maybe it's not too late to work something out, although Husband won't be happy about the prospect of giving her back at all. Neither will I, for that matter. She's fitting nicely into our little family, and I couldn't have asked to rescue a better kitty.

Lately, 6-4-09

2009-06-04T12:30:00.001-05:00

Holy granola, it's June already? Where did the first half of this year go? The last week of this month will mark my sixth month of unemployment, a landmark I sure didn't expect to reach, and one that makes me really grateful to the Obama stimulus package for adding another six months to my unemployment benefits. Now here's hoping that six months from now I will have either found a job or raked in enough freelance business, or some combination thereof, to keep us afloat without that weekly check.

Speaking of freelance projects, my latest post, all about picking the right chandelier size, is up at Lighting By Lux. Of course I couldn't talk about chandeliers without a nod to everybody's favorite misunderstood chandelier-dropping lunatic. And not even in my crazed Phantom fandom days did I write the word "chandelier" so many times in a single week.

Still speaking of freelance projects, my fellow Wiffer Jen was kind enough to hire me for my very first paying web design gig, designing and coding a custom Twitter widget for her blog, Jennerosity.org. I'm pretty proud of how it turned out, and better yet, she seems pleased with the result. Totally makes it worth the two days I lost trying to follow these instructions for installing Wordpress on my hard drive, which resulted in nothing but headaches and tears, before finally uninstalling everything and starting over with this tutorial, which was correct and easy to follow and was the answer to my prayers. All in all, this little project was a pretty good crash course in designing for Wordpress, wich I needed to learn, so it worked out all around. And special thanks to my OTHER fellow Wiffer Jen (man, I sure do know a lot of Jens) for e-mailing me a very handy Wordpress tutorial that she just happened to have on hand.

In tangentially related news, I've signed up for ProBlogger's "31 Days to Build a Better Blog" program, which I meant to start Monday/June 1st, but it just didn't work out that way. Now I'm not sure when I'll start. It will be soon, but first I have to figure out what I want this blog to be about. I used to know, back before I stupidly allowed that asshat who hoped I'd get fired for blogging from my work computer to make me censor what I wrote here (not for fear I'd get fired; more because I realized I was no longer comfortable with the idea of strangers engaging in schadenfreude at my expense). After that, the wind went out of my sails pretty fast, and I haven't been able to get it back. Other attempts to give this blog some direction haven't worked so well, either. Hopefully, this one will take.

Other news, at random:

Lately I've had insomnia like whoa. I sleep well for a couple or three nights, followed by a couple of nights where I either can't sleep at all or I wake up at two AM and can't get back to sleep, and OTC sleeping pills and herbal remedies aren't helping. I'm trying to use that time to either get work done or do the things that get in the way of getting work done, but I'd really rather have my sleep.

I haven't watched TV in two weeks. I think this is a first for me, and I can't say I like it. I decided I wouldn't get sucked into any summer shows, reality or otherwise, this year, in the hopes of getting more writing done. But instead all I'm getting done in that time is more DVD watching and light reading, because as it turns out, I'm still too brain-fried by the primetime hours to do anything particularly useful, and also, I cherish those two or three hours in the evening when I can put my feet up and knit while the picture box tells me stories. The only real difference is that now I don't feel pressure to get things done and be home in time for my shows to start, but with the magic of Internet TV, I wasn't feeling that pressure so much anyway. In short: I miss my shows, and I can't wait for the fall season to start.

I spent all weekend doing hard labor: cleaning up the rest of the mess we left behind in the upstairs half of my mom's house; cleaning the garage to make room for all of the crap I brought home from mom's house that I was kind of hoping she'd throw away so I'd never have to think about it again, but she didn't; accompanying my husband to his mom's to hook up her new DVD player, which wasn't really that laborious for me, but watching him still wore me out; and mowing both lawns, front and back, and then weed-eating; all on about 5 total hours of sleep. I needed a day off to recover from my days off, but thanks to deadlines, I didn't get one until yesterday, wherein I slept late and then spent most of the day in bed with a book, and it was lovely, and I feel much better now.

And that is what I've been up to lately. What have you been up to? Please do tell.

Happy Memorial Day

2009-05-25T12:09:00.001-05:00

Lest we forget what it is we're memorializing today:

Off kilter

2009-05-22T11:35:00.001-05:00

I've always had a difficult time finding balance in my life. When things aren't going so well, I have this tendency to withdraw into myself and neglect things and, worse, relationships. When things are going well (read: I'm not a hormonally depressive loony), it's not much better. I seem to have two gears: completely scattered, or completely focused. In the first case, I'm forgetful about all kinds of things, and pretty much a giant flake. In the second, I'm focused on the things I need to get done, and I get them done...but I forget almost everything else. It's hard enough not letting that affect my marriage; remembering to stop what I'm doing and go pay attention to my husband once in a while, or to remember to do my share of the housework, or to pay the bills on time and keep track of the weekly budget, etc. Trying to remember that I have friends, in "real life" and online, and extended family who would probably like to hear from me is a struggle, at best.

It's been worse since I lost my job, and with it my insurance. My disordered sleep is going untreated now, and I'm not getting much in the way of quality sleep, which is exacerbating my ADD. And my OCD, and all of my other weird, borderline-Aspy quirks and neuroses. Not to mention that I'm not exactly bursting with energy right now. I have a lot on my plate, trying to find a job and/or clients, to demonstrate to the world that I'm an efficient and creative hard worker who someone should totally hire, because I do good work. And in all of that I lost sight of even trying to find balance between work and play and being social.

Which is all to say that it's a holiday weekend, and I'm taking the next few days off from my "job" to focus on the job of being a good wife, friend, sister, aunt and daughter. My new web site design is up and running, and everything else on my massive To Do list can wait a few days while I refocus my priorities and remind myself that there is a whole world that exists outside my head, and that I should interact with it once in a while. I don't think it'll "fix" anything. I used to think that this whole struggle for balance was just learning to be an adult and that it would get easier, come more naturally with age; but by now I'm pretty sure that it's just life, just the way I am, and it's always something I'm going to have to work on. But until I achieve that balance, taking a break once in a while to switch up my focus is the best I know how to do.

On creating characters, rewrites, Kris Allen, and Glee.

2009-05-21T13:45:00.001-05:00

Some good writing article links found me by way of Twitter and Google Reader this morning, and now I shall pass them on to you, because they are thoughtful and contain good advice. First is Holly Lisle on creating characters you can respect (via Marjorie M. Liu, who adds to the conversation here), which essentially boils down to, "You have to write the people who resonate with YOU." This is something I already know, but I need to be reminded whenever a reader tells me that they don't like, or don't get, or can't relate to a character I've written; that if I like, get, and/or relate to said character, then there are others out there who will, too, and they are who I am writing for, and I will do them (and me) a disservice if I try to change my characters to be more broadly accessible. Which is not to say that I should just ignore that kind of feedback; it's useful in getting me to understand why a character might not be entirely likeable, and whether they really need to be that way, and sometimes the answer is yes, and sometimes it's no. It's good to question it. But it's not good to make knee-jerk personality changes hoping that everyone will love the character like you do. That's how blandness happens. It's also how Mary Sues happen.

Moving on... there's also KidLit on how much revision is normal? Short answer: a lot. This article is both relavent and strangely comforting to me, as I have two novels in the revision stage; one of which has already been rewritten from scratch twice, and I've a sneaking suspicion (read: dread) that I'm going to have to throw out the B plot and rewrite it entirely from scratch again, which I'm not really looking forward to. But I think it's the thing that's keeping the story from being more than just okay, and it's too integral to the main plot to be tossed out completely. I've been avoiding working on this book, in denial that such extensive rewrites are necessary, but this article is helping me come to terms with that necessity, and even almost looking forward to the rewrite. Almost.

***

Speaking of almost, that's how close I am to being done with the new JMBauhaus.com. I've just got a few more minor tweaks to make to the template, and then to switch the domain over, and then it will officially be "live." I'm quite proud of the design, and I learned a lot in the creation and implementation. And that's all I'll say about it until the actual launch, except that I would have finished it yesterday if I didn't have to stop and mow my lawn so everybody and his brother with a lawn service would stop ringing our doorbell asking to mow it for us.

I'm glad I did, though, because it's kind of hilarious how happy short grass makes Pete. It's also understandable, considering he's only about six inches tall. But now he keeps wanting to go outside and roll around in the short grass and lie there in the sunshine and chew on a hunk of wood he found somewhere, which makes me oh so glad to have spent money on actual toys for him to ignore (that's not true. He loves his toys when h*e's indoors. But that hunk of wood makes him unreasonably happy every time he goes outside).

***

I'm glad Kris Allen won. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you can go ahead and skip this paragraph, because you probably don't care. I was going to post yesterday about how I wouldn't be surprised if he did win, and why, but then the mowing happened, and then I was just too tired, and then it was time for the finale. But anyway, my reasoning was that, while Adam Lambert is undeniably, insanely talented, Kris Allen is more accessible. Like some of my characters, Adam Lambert has a more narrow appeal. If this were purely a talent contest, Adam would/should have won. But there were so many other factors that made Kris's victory not at all surprising, including that he's as easy on the eyes as he is on the ears, that he probably needed to win more than Adam did--because Adam WILL be (and already is) a rock star regardless of whether he is the American Idol, and he probably would've gotten there eventually without this show, anyway--and, last but not least, he was a huge underdog. I tried to vote for him for that last reason alone, but I couldn't get through. And also, if that victory song had to be committed to recording by one of them, I liked Kris's version way better, and I'm glad I'll never have to hear Adam sing it again.

Other things on TV this week that made me happy: J. T.'s win on Survivor (which wasn't nearly as satisfying as Coach's ouster, which would only have been more satisfying if it had happened much, much sooner), and Glee. I expected to like Glee, but I didn't expect it to live all the way up to its hype. It did, though, and now I'm in love, and pining, and Fall can't start soon enough.

***

I have errands to run later. The good thing about it being Summer and there being nothing on TV is that there's no hurry, since I don't have to get back in time to watch anything. Even so, I should get back to work on the site redo. Unless I have to go help Husband brace part of the fence, which he just informed me might be happening soon. Either way, don't stop believin', y'all.

There's a reason I've been loyal to Blogger all decade. And also a reason I keep being a secretary.

2009-05-18T13:10:00.001-05:00

I spent much of the weekend learning web designy-type things, things like how to properly slice up a GIMP mockup image and code it into a real live web site. After hours and hours of research, I also learned that I'll be sticking with Blogspot as my hosting/blogging platform, and here is why: Wordpress.com is great and all, if you're happy to use one of their templates. But if you want to use your own template, you either have to upgrade to their paid service, or upload their software and database to your own web host; and since my main goal here is to stop paying to have a web site, and my secondary goal is to show off my burgeoning design capabilities, that just won't do. Blogger, on the other hand, is both free and fully customizable, and comes with enough widgets and simple hack-arounds to keep me happy. Seeing as how I've been a Blogger gal since the golden days when it was run out of Ev's garage (okay, not quite. They had real office space. But it still had that feel), I feel silly for thinking of straying.

I did find some other possibilities, though. For one, there's Webnode, where my Task Wrangler site is hosted. It's also free and customizable, but there's no support and very little in the way of instructions on how to customize. I figured out the gist of it, but it was going to take longer to figure out the whole thing than I want to wait to get my new site up and running. I do want to learn it eventually, though, just as I still want to learn Wordpress.

A new one to me was Webs (formerly Freewebs). It looked promising as far as being able to customize, but there's no blogging platform in the free version, and I realized that I need to take my inherent laziness into consideration and keep updating as easy as possible. And so it was back to Blogger, as it always is. And so, JMBauhuas.com will be "powered by Blogger" fairly soon, and hopefully this time I'll be able to figure out how to successfully park the domain at Blogspot ("sleepyjean.net," the domain I registered for this here blog, never did take, and if there's one downside to Blogger it's that it's like pulling teeth to get customer support--which is actually pretty big, as downsides go, and would be a dealbreaker if I needed CS more often than once a year or so), and won't have to pay extra for URL forwarding to get it to point here.

***

First, though, I have articles to write, and jobs to apply for. I'm a little apprehensive about that last part. We're still quite a ways from needing to panic about our finances, and thus I feel like right now I've got a prime opportunity to focus on building skills and growing a freelance client base, and that if I stay focused, I might be able to earn enough to stave off Panic Time indefinitely. But there's an opening at my old old job, where I worked waaaay back before I went back to school and finished my degree, that is almost identical to what I used to do there. So now I'm hearing the siryn call of Excellent Health Benefits and a Steady Paycheck, which is exactly the call that always brings me back to being an Administrative Assistant By Day, and which I was really hoping I'd be able to resist heeding this time.

And then the rationalizations start: the "I can work there for a couple of years while we get caught up in our finances and delay my big dreams a while longer," which sounded a lot more convincing at 25 than it does at 35; and the "I can still write books and freelance articles and do web design and craft pretty things and prettify my house and yard in the evenings and on weekends," which I know darn well from experience that no, I can't. I can do one, maybe two of those things, and that will be a struggle, and the other things that make me happy will have to be sacrificed. But, that's life in America, isn't it? That's just part of responsible adulthood, right? You sacrifice the time and energy to do what makes you happy for the peace of mind of a steady paycheck and good health insurance that comes with a day job. You don't sell your house to buy an RV and run away to the Yucatan to be beach bums and live off of your meager freelance earnings. And that is why I'll submit my resume and see what happens.

Sigh.

Lately

2009-05-14T12:46:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, I finished the second draft of This Old Haunt and submitted it to the Round 1 beta readers. I'm a little worried, because it was too short to qualify as a novel to begin with, and the first round of edits saw a lot of words and sections being cut, leaving it even more firmly in novella territory. Hopefully on the next draft I'll find some threads that can be teased out into whole chapters and increase the wordcount without just adding filler. Otherwise, I guess I'd better start checking out the novella markets. Or consider self-pubbing this one.

I'm going to take a week off from fiction writing so I can focus on my various web design projects. Today, I'm attempting to learn how to do this, with the goal to implement the snazzy site redo I mocked up in GIMP. If I feel really ambitious, then next I'll start learning PHP so I can implement the whole thing in Wordpress. I'm feeling a little intimidated by all of that right now, though, so the plan to move everything over to WP has been downscaled from definite to tentative. Right now I'm shopping around for other, simpler free platforms (I'd happily just do everything in Blogger if they, like WP, offered the capability to create non-blog pages and have them all under one domain); but I might just give up on free and look for a cheaper web host instead.

Then again, I really should learn Wordpress, given its popularity, if I want to sell myself as a web designer, which I do. Yes, still. I figure, if I still love designing web pages as much as I love writing stories, and still wish I could do it professionally on the side, 10 years after I started doing it as a hobby, then it really is high time I quit whining about it and just made it happen. With all of the advances since I started 10 years ago, though, I feel like I'm starting from scratch. Thank goodness for all of the excellent free tutorials out there.

What else is going on? Earlier this week I scored a paid blogging gig at Lighting By Lux -- and hey, my first post, The Right (Light) Bulb, is already up. It's not going to get me off of unemployment any time soon, but it's extra grocery money, which is always nice, and professional experience to add to my resume, which is even nicer.

I feel like I've accomplished a lot this week already, which is a nice feeling, and one I haven't felt in too long. It's amazing how something simple like setting my alarm clock for a reasonably early hour can make me feel so capable and in control of my life. And having the laptop's portability and not having to worry about keeping Husband out of his office sure aren't hurting.

At some point today, though, I'm going to have to put the laptop down and get some housework done, since Uncle Joe is coming over tomorrow so he and Husband can show each other their guns. No, that is not a euphemism. Yes, we bought the gun that Husband was pining for, which was only fair, since he was a good sport about getting the laptop that he wasn't entirely convinced we needed. It's a slick-looking Springfield .45 mm with a comfortable grip, and I'm looking forward to firing it. Good thing it came with a one-year membership to the shop's firing range. Now we're just waiting for them to mail us our membership card so we can go get in some target practice. Yeehaw!

What else what else? Oh! I took my mom to see Star Trek for Mother's Day, and we loved it. We laughed, we cried, we both thought it was awesome, bad science and plotholes be damned. I went in with reservations, just hoping not to get pissed off by retconning and character assassination, so it was a very pleasant surprise to find that the retconning was handled in a way with which I was totally fine, and that these characters can be portrayed by other actors and still ring true, and I not only can't wait to see this movie again, but I can't wait for the next installment. Yay!

So that's what's up with me lately. Next week will see me taking some time off for car maintenance, yard maintenance, and helping my mom get her house ready to sell, among other things, but it will also see me getting back to work on The Hero Factor, and I think I know how to fix what was bugging me about that one, so revisions might not be quite as daunting as I feared they would be. Also, I'm almost finished knitting a case for the laptop, and if I can get my old hand-me-down sewing machine working, I'll finish it off with a padded liner and then post pictures. Meanwhile, I'm going to get back to work on that site redo.

XKCD Instant Classic

2009-05-07T13:30:00.001-05:00

Whedonesque has been linking to this XKCD strip all week; but in case you're the rare Browncoat who doesn't follow that blog, I thought I'd share it here. It's a five-part series centering on a fan's skateboard race against Nathan Fillion, and that description does no justice to the hilarity that ensues.

Part one is linked up there in the image. Here are parts two, three and four. Part five should get posted tomorrow.

Hee hee hee!

Things filling my head

2009-05-04T14:17:00.001-05:00

My mom's dog passed away the other day. Thursday, actually, but Mom had a busy weekend and only called to tell me about it yesterday. I'm pretty thoroughly bummed about it. Jake was a big sweetheart of a big, black dog, part black lab and part chow (and possibly part pit bull, though I kept telling my mom to stop telling people that last part because it tended to freak them out and we weren't really sure, anyway). He was approximately eight months old when he showed up in our front yard, during the last few months that I lived at home after the first time I yo-yo'd back after college. He was adorable, obviously not yet full-grown, and I didn't need to do much prompting to convince my mom to set some food out for him. She said, the first time, that it was just to make sure he was well-fed so he'd stay out of everybody's trash, but by the second day, she'd named him, and it was all over but the neutering and the collar-shopping. We found out a few years later that he'd actually belonged to a family down the street, but they'd pretty much turned him out and stopped taking care of him after he ceased to be tiny and easy/cheap to care for. Those people are right up there on my list with the people who abandoned Fizzgigg. But that's a rant for some other time.

Jake loved everybody, and everybody loved Jake; but he was a total mama's boy when it came down to it. When mom left, even for just an hour, he would mope around like nobody's business, and when he heard the garage door opening and signalling that she was home, he would stand at the door and howl and whine until she finally came inside, and then he would instantly be happy again. A couple of years after he adopted her, when she brought home a puppy named Bonnie, he taught her the same behavior; although, if it's possible, Bonnie adored Jake even more than she adored my mom. And now, I think, she misses him more than anybody else. He'd been around her entire life, and he was her best bud, and now, according to Mom, she is baffled, and keeps searching the house for him, and I just hope she gets to be okay, and this doesn't turn into a whole Where the Red Fern Grows tragedy.

But Jake had an excellent, entirely too spoiled and pampered life. He'd been going downhill for a while now, and it was getting hard to watch him try to get around on arthritic legs, obviously in pain but still determined to get up and come over to you for cuddles and ear scratches. It was his time, and I'm so thankful that it came before Mom had to have any part in that decision. Even so, I'm going to miss the hell out of that dog.

***

So, a little worn out from a day of crying and being sad, I got to bed at a decent hour last night. And then I proceeded to think up an entire plot for a mainstream romance novel. I don't remember all of it today, but I guess I should write down what I do remember, so I can flesh it out when I need something to work on down the road. One thing I remember is that the female protagonist's name is Rose, which seems all wrong for mainstream romance, where the heroines usually have masculine, or at least gender-neutral, names. But last night this character most definitely wanted to be called Rose, so we'll just go with that for the time being.

***

I slept too late this morning. I've been sleeping too late most mornings, lately, and that needs to stop, I think. I need to break it to my husband that I'm going to have to start setting an alarm for myself, which he hates, because it always wakes him up too, and then he has a hard time getting back to sleep. I've always been a proponent of getting as much sleep as your body needs, but my body tends to get greedy and can easily sleep for twelve to fourteen hours if something external doesn't wake it up. It might be fine to sleep till 11:30 if you tend to wake up at 2AM and stay up for several hours and get a lot of crap done before going back to bed, like Husband tends to do; but if you're me, and you just go to sleep and then stay that way until something wakes you up, and you realize you've slept for twelve hours and there goes half of your day, and now your entire schedule is thrown off and you don't know how you're going to get everything done, then that sort of thing just doesn't work.

And I'm still trying to figure out what does work. I've been out of a job for three months now. You'd think I'd have figured out a routine by now. But I haven't, in no small part because of my erratic circadian rhythms. Maybe I shouldn't stress out about it. Maybe I should just learn to go with it, and sleep when I'm sleepy and work when I'm awake and play and relax in the in-between times, and remember that it's not like I have to be anywhere at a certain time, anyway, and isn't this exactly why I've always wanted to be my own boss and set my own schedule? It is, in fact; and yet I can't get over years of social conditioning that make me feel like a loser if I'm not up and online, ready to work, by 9AM.

Also, there is a rep from a new temp agency trading voicemails with me, trying to set up a preliminary interview. I'm not optimistic; this is the fourth agency I've signed up with, and so far none of the others have had any work for me. But knowing that I'm on their roster, that they could call at eight in the morning with an assignment, makes me want to keep normal hours so I can be ready if they call.

I think it all boils down to that I'm still too hung up on other peoples' expectations to just relax and let myself be myself, with the quirky sleep schedule and the too many ideas and all of the other baggage that goes along with that.

And now I'm going to lay all of that aside, and go to the store. And then I'll come home, and maybe workout, or mow my lawn if the sun decides to come out for an hour or two; then I'll settle down to write, and remember that my sole client doesn't care what time of day I do my work, so long as I meet their deadlines. And I seriously doubt that anybody else really gives a damn, either, so maybe I should just cut myself a break and stop worrying about it all the time, and stop trying to be normal people, because I am not now, and I never have been.

***

Oh, and the other thing I was going to say is that soon--defined as "after I finish my assigned articles and my second draft and my sister's web site," which is probably not really that soon, so let's instead say soonish--I'm going to redo my site and move it all over to Wordpress, so I can dump my web server and stop paying their monthly fee. There are too many free options for hosting a pretty slam-bang personal site these days for me to keep paying for it. Instead of moving stuff, though, since that's always a PITA, I'll probably just scrap the whole shebang and start over. Whether that includes this blog, I haven't decided yet. It doesn't include my Livejournal, since that's mainly functioning as my beta-reader forum more than anything else. Everything else, though, it seems like it would be good to have all in one place, instead of scattered over several different platforms.

And that conclude's today's brain dump. Thank you for reading.

My office, let me show you it

2009-04-29T09:35:00.001-05:00

I'm quite enjoying the view from my office window. It's a cloudy, gray day, but there's so much green right outside that it's hard to notice. The window is above my desk, and from where I sit I can see the roof of our shed, some power lines and patches of white-gray sky heavily obscured by ever-thickening leafy branches. It's not a view I've gotten to enjoy often, and I'm looking forward to getting used to it.

But here! I don't have to tell you about it--I can show you with my new laptop's handy-dandy built-in web cam!

In the foreground you can see a pair of wee baby evergreen trees I rescued the other day when I was weeding my flower bed. I don't have the greenest thumb, so I hope "rescued" doesn't turn out to be an ironic term. I'm hoping they'll eventually grow big enough to transplant along the busy arterial street edge of our front yard, to provide some privacy and, hopefully, make it harder for passers-by to chuck trash in our yard all the time.

And as long as I'm playing with the web cam, here's a bonus pic of yours truly, all disheveled and too pale in the light of day:

Behind me are my inspiration board and my knitting supplies, including the wall-hanging CD holder I converted to a knitting tool holder (except for the Dancing Lessons 2.0: War! CDs I never managed to unload and can't bring myself to toss. Anybody want a free Buffy fanfic inspired mixed CD?).

Which is all to say that I'm happy as a clam in wet sand to begin my first full workday in my own office. And now I should probably stop basking in the joy of my own space and actually, y'know, get to work.

La la la laptop!

2009-04-28T16:07:00.001-05:00

Dear readers, I am so very stupidly happy to announce that I am blogging at you from my very own office while typing on my very own laptop, and it is shiny! Literally! There is not enough YAY!!! in the world. Longtime readers know how long I've coveted both my own computer and my own workspace, and now I must be a covetous sinner no more.

The only down side--not that I'm about to complain, not even a little--is how long it takes to set up a new computer and get it configured just right. Between obsessive online comparison shopping the last few days, finally picking out THE ONE and ordering it, picking it up from Best Buy this morning, setting up the wireless router, and installing all of my programs and setting up my preferences and transferring my files...let's just say today is an unofficial holiday known as New Computer Day at my house, because that is all this day has been devoted to, and it's not looking like I'm going to get a ton of work done this day.

But that's okay! Because I have a laptop! And my own office! And I will get SO much work done from now on, with my own laptop, in my own office, that it will totally make up for losing an entire day of work to computer setup. Even better, I can take this computer with me and work while I watch TV or hang out with my husband or supervise my puppy in the back yard or lounge in bed. I'm so 21st Century! And I am unstoppable.

YAY!!!

Our House

2009-04-24T08:12:00.004-05:00

Someone on Twitter asked me, "Do you feel like your house is really yours and represents your life? Or is it mostly other people's?" This is an excellent question. The short answer is, it's getting there. Gradually.

The long answer is this. I still can't believe this is my house. We've been here over six months now, and I still have moments, at least once a day, where I look around and think, "Whoa, I'm in a freaking house! And it belongs to me!" But besides the shock of realizing daily that I'm grown up enough to own something as grown-up as a house, there's this weird disconnect. Parts of it feel more like home than others. My office/craft room should feel like home, because it's the one room in the house that is totally mine, that I did not have to make any compromises on decorating, where I don't have to be afraid to hang something pink, and it's filled with all of the adorable things I love and that make me happy. But it doesn't, really, because I'm rarely ever in there, because that's not where the computer is. The computer is in my Husband's spartan and totally utilitarian office, and despite the fact that I'm usually in here at least six hours every day, it doesn't feel like mine at all.

The kitchen is also mainly Husband's domain. We haven't done much--anything, really, other than draping some tea towels over the oven handle and hanging a couple of pictures--by way of decorating in there. He won't let me organize it the way I want to, and it tends toward a constant state of controlled (or so he claims) chaos, and I'm just not very comfortable in there. This is why I don't do any of the baking that I always said I'd do when we got a real kitchen. I'm usually only in there long enough to get what I need. It doesn't feel like home.

The living room and dining area is a weird place, to me. It's filled with the cheap furniture we both had when we were 25, and that doesn't really feel right to either of us, because we're no longer 25, but it's also filled with family photos and memorabilia from our wedding and honeymoon, and that helps it feel homey. We hang out there a lot, but I'm not as at home in there as I am in my bedroom.

The bedroom is the most comfortable room, and not just because that's where we keep the bed. It (along with the adjoining bathroom) is the one room we've bought some new stuff for and put some forethought into decorating. The furniture is still a mishmash of old, cheap stuff from our carefree single days, but everything else--the bedding, curtains, wall decor, books and knick knacks on the book shelves--it all feels like us, now, like quirky marrieds in their thirties live there, and it's cozy and soothing, and it's where I spend most of my time when I'm not working. I like hanging out in there better than in the living room, to knit or read or watch TV or nap or whatever. All the pets pile on the bed with me, and usually Husband ends up in there, too--our bedroom is our family room, apparently. I'm pretty happy with that.

I long for the day when we have the money to decorate. Really decorate, with new furniture and rugs and wall hangings and new paint and all that stuff, to make the rest of the house feel like ours, like the place we put some thought into, where it looks a certain way because that's how we chose it to look, and not like old, disposable furniture scattered around against neutral paint that the previous owner put up to make the house more sellable. Like we're just passing through, and don't want to disturb the walls more than necessary. Like an apartment. A plain, boxy apartment-complex apartment. I can't wait to drag Husband along to shop for furniture, to pick out a couch that we both love and is comfortable and big enough to seat company, and not just us. To pick out things that we love at 35 and will probably still be just fine with at 45. That day will come. I don't know if it will come while we're in this house, but that's okay. Bit by bit, room by room, this house is slowly becoming us.

Laptop Dance

2009-04-23T14:19:00.002-05:00

I think I'm going to finally, FINALLY, have my prayers answered by getting a laptop. Maybe. We have some money, thanks to some really excellent federal stimulus tax breaks, and we're trying to be responsible with it. We already paid off the remainder of our car loan, and a big chunk of what we owe on our major appliances. We need to put some up for car insurance, and I'm waiting for the vet to call me back with an estimate on getting the cats' teeth cleaned, and of course we need to hang onto a significant chunk of it to live on in case I don't get any clients and/or a job any time soon. We bought a stationary bike--one with arm handles that Husband will be able to use, and that was at the top of our priority list, because aerobic exercise that he can do without falling on his hinder is pretty hard to come buy. I think that pretty well covers our needs, currently, so now we're down to wants. I want a laptop. He wants a new gun.

Yes, we are gun people. I wasn't, until his uncle took us target shooting out in the country a couple months ago, and now I am. We already own a gun, but he feels this is insufficient for the somewhat rough area that we live in. I'm inclined to agree, but mostly I just like to shoot at inanimate objects, and having a new gun to shoot at things sounds like fun. But not as much fun, or as necessary to me, as a new laptop.

We're hoping we can work out a way to buy both. I found the laptop I want on Buy.com for under $500, but it's factory refurbished, and Husband doesn't trust refurbishments. Best Buy has it for $580. Which might be doable, if that was all it was, but then there are Geek Squad fees for fixing Vista, and Cox fees for hooking us up with a wireless network, so whatever we pay for the laptop will have $100 or so on top of that.

But it's time. I need my own computer. I need to work in my own office. And, you know what? It's my turn. After two nice guitars, a pricey amp, and a lot of home gym equipment for him, it's time for me to get the big ticket item that I covet.

So, yes. I will be getting a laptop soon. And then I will be unstoppable.

When it rains...

2009-04-13T17:19:00.001-05:00

And oh, my dear readers, has it ever been raining lately. Around these parts, April showers usually hold off until the last half of the month, but it's been storm after storm here for the last couple weeks. The title of this post actually alludes more to how busy I've been lately than to the weather, but it's appropriate either way.

As for what's been keeping me so busy that I haven't had time to blog, well, there's this, my latest attempt to be a free-spirited work-at-home entrepreneur. I've gotten a lot of work along these lines as I prepared to launch the web site. Sadly, none of it has been paid work, but it's making me feel like a productive member of society nonetheless, and it will all look great in my portfolio/resume.

Also, there was this:

Jackson's Blankie

What a terrible picture. My digital camera is, sadly, in the process of crapping out. At any rate, I finished this blanket a couple of weeks ago, and finally got around to blocking it this weekend. But first I had to build myself a blocking board, following instructions I found here. I'm pretty happy with the finished result, especially since I had to use yarns entirely from my stash. I'm not allowed to buy any new yarn until we start making money again. Boo.

Speaking of money, we also got our taxes done last week. Between the new HOPE education credit and our New Homebuyer's credit, we're sitting pretty this year, and it will still be a couple more months before I have to start panicking about finding a job. Hopefully in that time I can round up some regular clients for the Virtual Assistant business.

Last week felt like I was all over the place, so I'm sure I'm leaving something out. I started working out again, and better yet, am starting to feel the results. We had a couple of days that stayed warm and sunny long enough to do some yard work, which also helped out in the exercise department. I'm still plugging away at novel edits, but I'm going to have to hustle if I want to get them done by the end of the month. And now I'm tasked to redo my sister's web site, which is another pro bono project, but even so, I'm excited about it. It will be the first pro site I didn't make for myself in years, and I can't wait to add that to my portfolio.

There was also reading, and TV watching, and I have a lot to say about the <I>Sarah Connor Chronicles</I> finale, and also about what I've been reading; but that will all have to wait. Right now I need to make up a healthy grocery list and go shopping so I can get back in time for House and Heroes. And now that I'm settling into a routine, it shouldn't be so very long before I post here again. In the mean time, you kids be good.

Thanks.

2009-04-07T10:11:00.001-05:00

Just a quick note to say thanks, everyone, for all of the birthday wishes, cards, comments, posts and etc. It's amazing how much these little things mean, and how warm and fuzzy and loved they make me feel. I've been having kind of a tough time of it lately, and your thoughts were especially helpful in getting me to cheer up and enjoy the day. So, from the bottom of my heart, all the way up to the top: thank you.

36.

2009-04-06T11:39:00.003-05:00

You know, as much as I joke-whine about it, I'm generally pretty okay with getting older. So I did not expect to greet the approach of this day with depression and tears. But then Saturday was the memorial for my uncle, one of my dad's older brothers. I went, and I missed my uncle, and I missed all of the other aunts and uncles on that side who have died over the last few years; and being around that side of the family made me miss my dad in a way that I haven't in a long time. And all of that carried over to Sunday, when the internet church-cast we were watching sang a hymn that my grandpa on my mom's side used to love, and play and sing every time he got the chance, and try to get me to sing with him, and I never did, because I was a snotty teenager and it was all just too humiliating to even contemplate, singing old-fashioned hymns with my grandpa. And that made me miss my grandpa in a way that I haven't in probably a decade.

So by yesterday afternoon, I was all primed to be sad and weepy and to think about mortality, and when I remembered that it was almost my birthday, of course the focused switched to MY mortality. I will be 36, I remembered, which to my mind might as well be 46. I will be 36 tomorrow, and I don't have a job. 36, and no job, no real profession to speak of, limited prospects, and my baby oven is getting old. 36, no job, no prospects, no solid income, an aging baby oven, and in the last few months I have been wanting to have a baby and be a mom more than I ever expected I would, or believed I could, but I can't, because we have no solid income, and no job prospects, and now maybe I never will, because did I mention I'm about to be 36? Pain and woe and suffering, and life is awful, and then we're all going to die.

That was yesterday. That was the end of being 35, for me.

Today, though, I am 36, and life goes on. I'm 36, and life is actually pretty okay. I don't have a steady job, but I have work that will look good on my resume, even if I don't get paid for it. I do, actually, have a few prospects, and I'm laying the groundwork to go into business for myself, to work from home, and if that works out, then it will be a perfect time to start a family. I'm 36, and I own my own home, and I have an awesome husband, and we're doing okay staying afloat while I get my business started, and I have a novel almost ready to shop around to agents and publishers, and it's cold, which I don't like, but the sun is shining and it's an otherwise beautiful day, and life is good. Life is beautiful, and Awesome Husband has promised to give me a neck rub later, and to finally install curtain rods in the bedroom for my birthday, and that seems really mundane, but these are the things that matter and make really great presents when you're 36. And tonight, I get to eat pie.

Today is a happy birthday, and life goes on.

Dollhouse: a fixer-upper with plenty of potential

2009-04-03T16:19:00.001-05:00

I realized today that I haven't gotten around to weighing in on Dollhouse which, being the long-time Whedon groupie that I am, might just be a sign of apocalyptic significance. Well, maybe not for the universe. Maybe just for the show.

I hope not, though, because I'm in the minority (based on everything I've read) of actually liking it. Granted, I don't love it, and that is disappointing. When someone gives you a shiny jewel, again and again, you become spoiled, and you expect--even feel entitled--to keep getting them from that person. So when that person instead hands you an unpolished, flawed, uncut diamond, you feel as let down as if they'd handed you a lump of coal.

But I do think that Dollhouse is merely a diamond-in-the-rough, and not the coal in our stocking that so many critics are making it out to be. The last two episodes in particular have shown sparks of potential, and if tonight's episode lives up to its previews, then this show definitely has the makings of something truly spectacular, if it's given the time and attention it needs to cut away the flaws and bring out its true shine.

Okay, enough with the diamond analogy. Here's what I think in plain English. Is the premise icky? Yes. Is self-professed feminist Joss Whedon a lying liar who lies because he came up with such an icky premise? I don't believe so. Portraying ickiness is not the same thing as condoning it, and the last two episodes have shown that this show definitely doesn't celebrate its own moral depravity. The fact that the Dollhouse and those who run it are depraved is the point, and I don't hold a speck of doubt that there will be consequences. There already have been, at the hands of Alpha, and in Echo's tendency to retain trace memories of her programming causing problems for her abusers. I can't wait to see just how far and wide those consequences will reach, and I hope I'll be given the chance.

Overall, I think it's a fascinating study, of free will, of how we're all programmed to an extent by our culture, by societal expectations, by gender roles, by advertising, by corporations large and small. Are the Dolls stripped of their free will if they volunteered? If their programmed personas consent to questionable acts, and find them enjoyable, is that wrong? If you or I consent to go into debt for something we don't really need because the advertising media convinces us, practically programs us to believe otherwise, is the media evil? It comes down to agency, and how much each of us have. It appears that the Dolls have none, and that's what makes them victims; but as "Man on the Street" showed, Echo wanted to complete her mission to portray the rich widower's deceased wife. Is Echo a special case, or do each of the Dolls maintain a trace amount of self-awareness that provides them with some agency in what they do? I don't know, but I'm enjoying being made to think about these questions, and I'm interested in what the show still has to say about them.

The main problem with this show, as practically everyone else who has written about has already said, is the difficulty we have in connecting with any of the main characters. We can have empathy for the Dolls as they struggle through their situations, but we don't know them, and therefore aren't really invested in what happens to them. The characters who run and operate the Dollhouse, we're getting to know, but we can't really like them, because they're bad people. There have been hints of exceptions, but only hints, and we have yet to be given any reason to care what happens to them, either. The one big exception, for me, is Echo's handler. He's morally gray in his decision to work for the Dollhouse and accompany Echo on her assignments, but his primary concern is protecting Echo, and he takes it--and her--seriously. To Boyd, Echo is a person, and he never forgets that, even when his superiors would have him do so. It reminds me of the Watcher/Slayer relationship, and of how Giles went off book to treat and care for Buffy like a troubled teenage girl, and not merely a tool at his disposal for killing monsters. Of course, if the rest of the Watchers Council looked like mysoginistic, rationalizing slave-drivers even as their reason for existing was to save the world from evil, how much worse does the Rossum corporation seem in comparison? A whole lot worse, that's how much.

And then there's Paul. I think my main problem with Paul is my own inability to stop thinking of him as Helo, but he's beginning to grow on me. As much as I love Tamoh Penikett, though, he doesn't really have the charisma needed to carry the show as its moral center, the only character who is both basically good and has agency and the capability for growth. There was also Mellie, but now we know that she, too, is a Doll, and that her crush on Paul and their subsequent short-lived romance is a lie.

And so: it's hard to love a show if you don't love its characters, which I don't, yet. But all in all, I think for what it is, Dollhouse is well done and worth watching, and whether it has only 5 more episodes or 5 more years, I'll be seeing it through to the end.

Better, take three

2009-03-31T12:07:00.001-05:00

I hesitate to mention that I'm feeling better, because so far every time I've done that I've ended up back in bed feeling miserable. But I'm on day three of betterness, so I think it's finally safe to say I'm done being sick (knock particle board).

So, what was it, 13 days? Yes. 13 days of running a low fever and generally feeling miserable. No sir, I didn't like it. But it's over now, thanks to leftover antibiotics given to me by a family member who wishes to remain nameless. I tried to obtain them legitimately, along with a real, doctor-certified diagnosis. I got up early last Wednesday and drove across town to a free clinic, but I didn't get there early enough, and they were already full and had to turn me away. I know the nurse lady felt bad doing so, especially after I burst into tears as soon as she told me (I didn't mean to, and I was as surprised by the outburst as she was).

She gave me a list of other clinics, but they were all Wednesday morning clinics, and most likely were also full-up. Since said family member had already dropped off several days' worth of Amoxycillin at my mom's, and since I was 99% positive without needing a doctor to tell me that I had a sinus infection, and also since I refused to suffer an entire 'nother week to get treatment if I didn't have to, I wiped my eyes and drove out to my mommy's house, where I received much TLC and baby snuggles (she was babysitting my wee nephew, who was so happy to see me that I wanted to take him home and keep him forever and ever. You guys, he even ignored Yo Gabba Gabba for me! He didn't even do that for his birthday cake! For Liam, that is true love.) along with tea and medicine. I love my mommy.

I took it easy the rest of the week while letting the meds do their thing, and now I dare say that I'm fully recovered. Thank God for antibiotics, y'all (and for mommies).

Now that I'm back up to speed, I'm also back to work: building a new web site, editing my novel, and getting hired to be a Social Networking Specialist (and who knew there even was such a thing?) for Internet Girl Friday have been at the top of list. I also finally finished cleaning and organizing my craft room (I've stopped calling it my office. Without a computer, it's not really much of an office, is it? But someday--yes, SOMEDAY, I tell you!--I will get a laptop and all of that will change, and then I'll stop having to interrupt my workday to let my husband check in with his online classes, and all will be well). I'm trying to work blogging back onto the list, too, and this is my attempt at that.

And now you know all that is going on with me. I should get back to work on building that web site, which you shall hear all about in this space once it's done. Until then, it'll be pretty quiet here for just a little while longer. Thank you for understanding, and for being awesome.