Wood On Sports

Wood On Sports Special: The Missing Barry Bonds Grand Jury Testimony

2006-03-12T23:37:00.000-08:00

= Who knew flax seed oil shrunk your testes?

The San Francisco Chronicle this morning printed excerpts from the forthcoming book, Game of Shadows, including direct testimony from Barry Bonds during the grand jury trial of the founders of BALCO. Since Bonds was subpoenaed to testify and his agreement with officials precluded him from utilizing the fifth amendment, he created an elaborate explanation for how illicit drugs entered his system without his knowledge.
Below is some actual testimony from Bonds found in Game of Shadows. After each quotation from Barry is lost transcript items that were not included in the documents revealed to the SF Chronicle reporters. To protect my source of these "lost quotes", I will refer to him only as "Deep Throw".

Barry: I was fatigued, just needed recovery you know, and this guy says, 'Try this cream, try this cream.'

Barry's Follow Up: When Greg first approached me about the cream, I said, "What you talking about? I've got perfect skin." And then he explained it would be indetectable and help me to hit home runs. I ordered two cases on the spot.

Barry: And he rubbed some cream on my arm ... gave me some flax seed oil, man. It's like, 'Whatever, dude.'

Barry's Follow Up: And then I was like "Greg, stop giving me this flax seed oil. It isn't doing anything. Give me more of the damn cream though."

Barry: You know me, I'm 39 years old. I'm dealing with pain. All I want is the pain relief, you know? And you know, to recover, you know, night games to day games. That's it. And I didn't think the stuff worked.

Barry's Follow Up: I didn't think the stuff worked, because I knew the stuff worked. You think a 39 year old can go nine innings, head back to a hotel room for a tryst with my away-game mistress, sign some more memorabilia to pay off said mistress' house, and then wake up the next morning and bang two home runs? Helll no. That's why I was rubbing in the cream...I mean, arthritis cream.

Barry: I never asked Greg. When he said it was flax seed oil, I just said, 'Whatever.' It was in the ballpark ... in front of everybody. I mean, all the reporters, my teammates. I mean, they all saw it. I didn't hide it. I didn't hide it ...

Barry's Follow Up: I definitely didn't hide it. In fact, I shared it with Benito Santiago. As long as I was pretending it was flax seed oil, what was there to hide? Plus, my lawyers told me to do it in front of everyone. I was always shocked Mark McGwire wasn't shooting up over at first base, because that's the least likely place someone would suspect him to do it. No one would be like, "Hey, why does Mark have a syringe out at first base and why is he pinching his own ass?"

Barry: You know, trainers come up to me and say, 'Hey Barry, try this.'

Barry's Follow Up: And I always say "No way!" Unless it's steroids, then I say, "Yes, please" and "Can I have some more?"

Barry: I don't know what G is

Barry's Follow Up: And if it was "Growth", wouldn't that "G" on the calendar be followed by "rowth"? (raises eyebrow to Grand Jury)

Barry: I never paid Greg for anything. I gave Greg money for his training me

Barry's Follow Up: And I've never contradicted myself. OK, once I did, but that was a long time ago.

Barry: Greg is a good guy, you know this kid is a great kid. He has a child.

Barry's Follow Up: And everyone knows that if you have a child, you can't be guilty. (looks over at lawyers sheepishly) And I have children too (raised eyebrows to the Grand Jury again)

Barry: If it's a steroid, it's not working.

Barry's Follow Up: So if you guys would like to suggest some possible steroids that might work, please be my guest (takes out pencil and paper)

Barry: T could mean anything. G could mean anything. And pee could probably mean anything

Barry's Follow Up: I mean, he could have written "pee", but actually meant the letter "p". Maybe he was teaching his kid the alphabet on my flax seed oil intake calendar? Kids are in such a hurry these days, no need to learn the rest of the alphabet (crickets chirping)

Barry: One, I'm black. And I'm keeping my money. And there's not too many rich black people in this world. There's more wealthy Asian people and Caucasian and white. And I ain't giving my money up

Barry's Follow Up: And yes, I don't know that Causasian and white is the same thing. But back to my point...I'm not buying Greg Anderson a mansion...but if you vote not guilty, I'm not saying that you white and Asian jurors won't find a very nice check in your mailbox. And you black jurors will become instantly rich, and remember there aren't too many rich black people in this world.

Barry: I don't really believe half the s -- I'm saying, anyway.

Barry's Follow Up: But you fine jurors should believe 100% of the s-- I'm saying. I want to thank you all for your time, and let you know that your autographed BALCO t-shirts are in the mail. And don't forget, you too can look this ripped at 39 years of age solely by using flax seed oil and the occassional arthritis cream.

This Week In Sports---Barry, Daunte and the Little Cheerleader That Could

2006-03-11T22:36:00.000-08:00

= Mini-Barry...with hair, testicles and fairly little back acne

Barry Creams the Ball: It feels like my birthday is coming up in only 12 days. Small-time publisher Gotham Books has moved up the release of the the Barry Bonds tell all, Game of Shadows, from March 27th to March 23rd. SI has an excerpt of the book, and it is fan-tastic. The two SF Chronicle writers who covered the Balco scandal have written a compelling look at the life and lies of one Barry Lamar Bonds. Though I'm loathe to necessarily trust a book whose leading source is an ex-mistress, count me on the list of people that are pre-registering with Amazon to get this book when it hits the shelves. Here are my thoughts on the book:

1. Could someone please get me Greg Anderson's home phone number? Barry put on 15 pounds of solid muscle during one off-season, going from a svelte 210 to a solid 225. I've tried protein shakes before and all I've gotten is a bad chalky aftertaste. I think I'm ready for the cream and the clear, especially since Anderson reportedly supplies these at cost.

2. Note to celebrities: Don't leave voicemail messages. It brought down Pat O'Brien. It's helping bring down Barry. Ex-mistress Kimberly Bell apparently has tape upon tape of Barry threatening to kill her.

3. Second note to celebrities: Don't have a mistress. And if you must have a mistress, don't buy the mistress a house. Even if your agents in LA pay for the mistress' house, there is in fact a paper trail. And when you tire of her and find a new mistress to take on road trips, you still have to make payments on mistress #1's house in Scottsdale.

Daunte's Invierno: Now that Spring has sprung, and NFL's free agency has finally started, the question arises: Who wants to trade for Daunte Culpepper? The answer: seemingly no one. The guy's got shoddy knees that make him a liability. But the most likely scenario has him going to the Oakland Raiders, relieving the recently cut Kerry Collins. But isn't this a case of jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire? You're going from the Vikings sex cruise to the Oakland boos cruise? And do you really want a reunion with Randy Moss? Even Romy and Michelle would skip that one.

NFLers Go Back To School: Several NFLers went back to school recently, at least for a few days, to the executive MBA program at Stanford University. The problem is that the guys who go to these programs are similar to Donnie Edwards (UCLA) and Coy Wire (Stanford): educated and ambitious. They had a similar program at Harvard Business School a while back, and the attendees included ex-Stanford Cardinal Tank Williams. They need this program for the 78% of players who end up divorced, bankrupt or unemployed less than two years after football. Perhaps someone should tell the Ravens' Chris McAlister about this course.

Cheerleader Suffers (But Still Can't Spell) Concussion: 18 year old Kristi Yamaoka has stirred national debate recently by embarrassingly falling during one of Southern Illinois University's cheer routines, then managing to do some sort of spirit-like arm motions as the medics wheeled her off on a stretcher. Now there's debate as to whether cheerleaders should be thrown into the air at all during basketball games. Here's my take: throw out a few more free t-shirts, give out a free pizza or two, and skip the aerials. We come for the brawls and for the streakers...save your aerials for late night ESPN2 competitions.

Stay tuned tomorrow for a very special second weekend edition of Wood On Sports...

A Look Back---Tamir Goodman, "Jewish Jordan"

2006-03-08T22:04:00.000-08:00

= Like Mike, Only Jewish

If you have a radio in your car, and anything resembling a commute, chances are you have heard the Hasidic stylings of Matisyahu, the Jewish rapper/reggae star. Born Matthew Paul Miller (perhaps his parents intended for him to be a serial killer), Matisyahu is a bit of a contradiction. In an industry that now celebrates "crunk" and the street life, Matisyahu tends to glorify things like Joseph's saving of the people of Egypt. He's a latter day Jewish Bob Marley, if you will.

Matisyahu's recent success reminds us of another famous member of the chosen people, Tamir Goodman. Dubbed "The Jewish Jordan" by Sports Illustrated for his skills on the basketball court, Goodman was a media darling in the late 1990s for his jumpshot and his uncompromising devotion to his chosen faith. He took up the game at six years old, by his sophomore year at Talmudical Academy was already averaging 27 ppg and impressed many of the scouts who came out to see him play. There was only one caveat: he refused to play games on Saturday during the Jewish sabbath.

Nevertheless, the University of Maryland offered him a scholarship, vowing to schedule as few games as possible on Saturday afternoons. But I guess the Terrapins didn't think Goodman was as important as Steve Blake or Steve Francis (perhaps if his name were Steve Goodman?). They failed to accomodate his schedule, and he handed back a scholarship that would have allowed him to play on an ACC basketball powerhouse team.

He ended up playing at a school close to his hometown outside of Baltimore, Towson University. Towson is certainly not a household name, though it can boast of famous alumni such as NFL kick-returner Dave Meggett and actor John Glover (the father of Lex Luthor on Smallville). But Goodman thrived under coach Mike Jaskulski, and averaged close to 6 points per game his freshman season. Jaskulski was ultimately fired for his team's poor performance, and the school ironically brought in a coach that Goodman claimed was anti-semitic. The new coach Michael Hunt (who I doubt ever went by a shortened first name) allegedly kicked a stool into Goodman in 2001, and the boy once dubbed the Jewish Jordan walked away from college basketball forever.

So where is our favorite yarmulke-wearing baller now? He dropped out of Towson completely, taking up an offer to play with Maccabi Tel Aviv, a powerhouse in the European league. He has since played on a number of other Israeli professional teams, gotten married, had a child and served his time in the Israeli army (see above picture). He has since returned to the United States (not 100% sure if that is a permanent move), and hit the speaker circuit with other famous Jewish celebrities such as rapper Etan G and mentalist Marc Salem.

Goodman once said: "I remember when I was a kid how many times people told me that because I was religious I could not play sports. I want to show kids that if you try to use (your talent) in the right way, Hashem is going to be there to knock down all the doors so you can be successful." (source) And so it was that Tamir Goodman, aka Jewish Jordan, knocked down not only doors, but jumpshots to enter our collective conscious. So while Steve Francis and Steve Blake make the big bucks in the NBA, Goodman is scoring points with Hashem, the ultimate commissioner of basketball (sorry David Stern).

Editor's Note

2006-03-06T00:51:00.000-08:00

To encourage readers to come back on a more regular basis, I'm going to start posting on the below schedule:

Monday: The Top 4 List-A list of four things...Kinda like The Sports List, minus Summer Sanders (Interesting note from the SJ Mercury News: Summer Sanders' family likes the Olympics).

Wednesday: A Look Back-A look back at a player, coach or event that you probably had forgotten about.

Saturday-Sunday: This Week in Sports-Pretty self-explanatory...commentary from the previous week in sports.

Let me know what you think. Changes take effect on Wednesday. Suggestions on topics always welcome. Check out this update on where Freddie Mitchell isn't partying.

5 Things that Would Be Different in the Sports World if the South Had Won the Civil War

2006-02-28T21:49:00.000-08:00

= President Gordon Throwing Out the First Pitch?

What if Bill Buckner wouldn't have let the ball trickle between his legs in 1986? Would the Red Sox have gone on to score in the top of the 11th, ultimately breaking the Curse of the Bambino? Would Buckner have been celebrated instead of villified, earning more than 2% of the vote in his first time on the Hall of Fame ballot? Or would Keith Hernandez have hit a game winning home run in the 11th, thus vaulting him in many people's minds above Tom Selleck on the "Best Mustache of the 1980s" list?

CSA: The Confederate States of America, Kevin Willmott's new thought-provoking mockumentary, asks a similar what-if question: What if the South had won the Civil War? Scenes of Abraham Lincoln escaping via the Underground Railroad and the CSA clashing with "Red Canada" are inspired, to say the least. But Willmott's adventure in conjecture makes me wonder: How would the sports world be different if the South had won the Civil War?

Ostensibly, there wouldn't be too much change. Texas would have still won the BCS Football Championship and College World Series last year, University of North Carolina would still have won the NCAA basketball championship in 2005 and Baylor would have won the women's tourney. But dig deeper, and you will find that the American sports landscape as we know it would be turned on its head. Below I venture to examine 5 Things that Would Be Different in the Sports World if the South Had Won the Civil War:

1. NASCAR Would Be America's Pastime:

If there's one thing Southerners like as much as a lynching (<-obvious satire), it's NASCAR. There's nothing they like more than watching a bunch of grown men in jumpsuits making five hundred left turns on a Sunday. Monday Night Football would effectively be replaced by Monday Night Racing. Cooperstown would be replaced by Daytona. Darrell Waltrip would be bigger (figuratively) than John Madden. And Jefferson Gordon would be President of the Confederate States of America...and shooting your hunting partner with birdshot would be legalized.

2. Denny's Wouldn't Just Sponsor the Pro Bowler's Association...They'd Sponsor Every Sport!

Athletic companies are inherently Northern...Nike=Oregon, Reebok=Massachusetts, adidas=Germany. Restaurant chains that lead to obesity are inherently Southern...Denny's=South Carolina, Hooters=Georgia, Popeye's Chicken=Georgia. It's safe to say sponsorship as we know it would be turned upside down if the South had won the great war. "Welcome to the US Track & Field Championships, presented by White Castle."

3. Tiger Woods Would Be Known as the Greatest Golfer Never to Play in a PGA Event.

I think it's safe to say that if the South won the Civil War, African-Americans would still be banned from the golf links to this day. Hootie Johnson would be OK with having an African-American as his caddie, but if someone without lilly white skin were to pick up a club, chaos would ensue. Eldrick Woods (nobody would bother to call him "Tiger") would still bang the ball 300 yards, but not on the PGA Tour. He would probably be relegated to the NPGA tour (you can surmise what the "N" stands for), and be nicknamed "Cool Papa" Woods. Fuzzy Zoeller, of course, would still be just as racist as ever.

4. Nobody Would Watch Ice Hockey

Guess no change there.

5. NBA Would Be a Bunch of 5'9 White Guys

Have you ever wanted to watch a starting lineup consisting of Luke Ridnour, Jason Williams, Troy Murphy, Wally Szczerbiak and Chris Mihm? Neither have I. But if the North had not defeated the South, you can bet there would be no emancipated slaves, and hence just a bunch of chumps tossing the round ball into peach baskets.

All-Star Dunk Contest? Forget about it. Coach Carter? Would be portrayed by Tom Hanks. Short-shorts? All the rage. Air Jordans? More like Ground Murphys. NBA franchises in Canada? Not a chance. Washington Wizards? Try Washington Grand Wizards. Philadelphia 76ers? Philadelphia Antebellums. Golden State Warriors? Golden State Subjugates. And Spike Lee...no seats closer than fifth row.

Whatever Happened to #1 Draft Pick Brien Taylor?

2006-02-27T21:55:00.000-08:00

= Would You Make DJ Jazzy Jeff Your #1 Draft Pick?

Spring is in the air...the birds are chirping, tax filing season is rapidly approaching and Roger Clemens is pretending to still be relevant (note to Roger---please see Chris Chelios re: aging with dignity). Spring is also the time for debutante balls, a period where women make their formal "debut" in front of bourgeois society. Spring Training acts as a pseudo debutante ball for players selected the previous June during the MLB Draft, allowing up-and-coming players the opportunity to justify their ever-increasing signing bonuses.

In 2004, due to some arcane rule, the San Diego Padres selected first over the far inferior Detroit Tigers. Their pick: a local high school product by the name of Matt Bush. Though it's still too early to render a final verdict, Bush has been a complete bust, particularly when compared with Detroit's pick, pitcher Justin Verlander. Besides the obligatory trouble with the law, Bush was also described by Scout.com in this less-than-flattering manner: "A shortstop who doesn't hit, doesn't walk, is a singles hitter and was terrible in the clutch."

A look back on former #1 overall picks is less than encouraging: some household names (Darryl Strawberry, Harold Baines, Shawon Dunston), but certainly no first-ballot Hall of Famers (A-Rod will change that once he retires). In the last 20 years, on that list of #1 picks, one name stands out above the rest: Brien Taylor. Who? The Yankees' #1 pick in 1991, and my nominee for "Biggest MLB Draft Bust Ever."

The story of Brien Taylor is nothing if not interesting. The son of a mason and a crab processor, hard throwing southpaw Taylor was selected by the Yankees with great expectations. Contract negotiations did not go smoothly though, as uber-agent Scott Boras (acting as an "advisor" because of certain MLB rules) demanded Taylor receive Van Poppel money (a reference to the $1.5 million Todd Van Poppel had received the prior year by the pre-Moneyball A's). Taylor threatened to spend the year at a local Community College, rendering him ineligible for the MLB season, if he didn't receive the money he thought he was owed. George Steinbrenner ultimately opened up his pocketbook to the tune of $1.55 million, and the Yankees had their man.

There's two certainties in baseball: 1. If there is a game, Pete Rose is probably betting on it. 2. Strong armed left-handed hurlers, though a rare commodity, are incredibly unpredictable. Brien did his best Rick Ankiel impersonation during a couple of years bouncing between minor league teams, ultimately rendering any possibility of a major league career void when he tore his labrum in a bar fight. Brien attempted a number of comebacks with other major league teams, ultimately retiring with the same number of major league wins as yours truly. He was only the second #1 draft pick since the inception of the draft not to reach the majors (Steve Chilcott being the other).

So where is the prodigal pick these days? Investing in no-name Summer League teams like Van Poppel? Hitting the speaking circuit with freakish looking mascots, a la fellow #1er Andy Benes? Singing duets on a Bronx street corner with Kevin Maas? Wondering how the heck he got picked ahead of Manny Ramirez, Shawn Green and Cliff Floyd in the `91 draft? Or getting writer's cramp from signing as many autographs as humanly possible? (current value: $4 each)

The answer to that question I do not know. He retired in 2000 after pitching three innings of minor league baseball that season. I suspect he probably returned to his North Carolina roots, where he was a boyhood superhero, putting the town of Beaufort on the map (also the seen of his career ending barfight). If someone is willing to underwrite a journey, I would be interested in trying to track him down and find out how much of that $1.55 million he still has (and how much went towards Scott Boras' mansion).

When originally drafted in '91, Taylor told the media, "In high school nobody ever got on base so I've got some adjusting to do." It's safe to say that adjustment didn't go so smoothly. Taylor is still referred to as a cautionary example of why: 1. You shouldn't negotiate with Scott Boras 2. You shouldn't trust a lefty known for his strong arm and 3. You shouldn't draft players too stupid to qualify for even one college scholarship (Billy Beane wouldn't have touched this guy with a 10 foot pole). The story of Brien Taylor is sad, interesting and all-too-common in baseball. My advice to parents: while all the other little boys are playing baseball, steer your son towards physics.

Top 4 Rivalries at the 2006 Winter Olympics

2006-02-26T00:03:00.000-08:00

= World's Largest Banned Substance?

With the Olympics coming to an end this weekend, we look back fondly on the 50+ plus hours we spent with Bob Costas. Heck, most of us spent more time with Bob these last two weeks than with our significant others. But what we reflect on most is not the amazing triumphs or the spirit of athletic endeavor, but rather the wonderful rivalries that developed during two crazy weeks in the Italian Alps. There sadly was no “Dan vs. Dave” (kinda like in the 1992 Olympics) or "Tonya Harding vs. Shoelace” this year, but what we did have was the following “Top 4 Rivalries at the 2006 Winter Olympics”:

Johnny Weir vs. Stereotypes: Weir broke into the national collective conscious by showing that not all male figure skaters are slightly built, effeminate divas. He earned our admiration by going shot-for-shot with Bode Miller in an Olympic village bar, by going out shopping for what can only be considered the most rugged of clothes, and by blaming solely himself for his poor showing at the Olympics. We salute you Johnny Weir…you have surpassed Mike Weir as our favorite 5'9 Weir. To answer the question offered up by South Park’s Kyle, “What would Brian Boitano do?” Probably get his ass kicked by you.

Shani Davis. vs. Melissa Stark: Shani Davis proved this Olympics that while there is no “I” in team, there is somehow an “I” in the name “Shani”. Davis’ reluctance to race in the team speed skating event supposedly cost Chad Hedrick his opportunity to win five gold medals. In reality, Hedrick’s slow skating cost him the opportunity to win five golds. And honestly, isn’t three medals enough? Bruce Jenner only won one gold medal (1976 Decathalon), and he's doing fabulous.

But the Hedrick v Davis feud doesn’t even make this writer’s top 4 list. What does make the list though is Davis' complete stonewalling of NBC's Melissa Stark during their post-race interview. Did she really even have to ask, "Are you angry, Shani?" We know that if Joe Namath would have won the 1,000 meters, things would have been a little different.

Bode Miller vs. Apathy: I love Bode Miller…not in the way Johnny Weir probably does, but in a “I want to hang out with that guy” sort of way. I love that he injured has ankle playing pick up hoops. I love that he refuses to wear a ridiculous looking USA beanie. But I love most that he doesn’t care about winning the gold.

Some people cry when they fail to win a medal. Some blame the bus system (see Johnny Weir). Bode…he just takes another shot of Jager. Whatever. He’s just glad to be there…on Nike’s dime.

NBC vs. Crappy Reality Shows: Did you see the ratings the Olympics pulled down these last two weeks? Probably not, because you were too busy watching American Idol or Dancing With the Stars. We’d apparently prefer Jerry Rice doing his best Huggy Bear impersonation over Sasha Cohen eating ice. NBC counters that more people were following the Olympics via the Web…yeah 8 hours before the events happened on tv, so we wouldn’t have to miss a single minute of some prematurely greying AI contestant fall back to his stock Ray Charles impersonation.

But honestly, the problems with NBC's coverage were threefold: 1. Not enough Dick Button. Can we clone this guy and have him cover every single event? 2. Not enough human interest stories…I care more about the last 3 years and 363 days of training than I do about this one 45 second run down a mountain. 3. Not enough scandal. The banned Austrian coach sneaking back in with the team (a la Bobby Valentine in a 1999 interleague game) was good, but is that the best we could do? And when there is a good potential scandal (ie skeleton's Tim Nardiello), the USOC quashes it. If you want us to turn the dial away from a Mad About You rerun, you gotta give us something good...

Whatever Happened to...Todd Marinovich?

2006-02-22T23:27:00.000-08:00

= ?

For this week's edition of "Whatever Happened to...", we examine a tragic figure of Oedipean proportions, a wunderkind whose father pushed him just a little too far, a man with a once flowing mane...the incomparable, incorrigible Todd Marinovich.

Marinovich is the epitome of the term "groomed for success." His father, Marv Marinovich, is a former NFL lineman now famous for his innovative workout technique, Proper Body Exercise. The elder Marinovich still trains the likes of Troy Polamalu, but it was twenty years ago he coached his brightest protege, a then hirsute Todd Marinovich. Todd garnered national attention at Capistrano Valley High by shattering national passing records, making him one of the most prized recruits of 1987 (which, incidentally, is probably the best year in I Love the 80s). He followed in his father's footsteps (without much say) by going to every UC Berkeley students' favorite safety school, USC. He led the Trojans to a Rose Bowl in his freshman year, but ultimately left school early to join the Oakland Raiders as a first round draft pick.

The rest of this cautionary tale is known by every schoolboy who dreams of playing in the NFL as a quarterback: he left the NFL within a year amid drug scandals, played briefly in the Canadian Football League & Arena Football League (he's still on the record books in the AFL for 2nd most passing yards in a game), followed by rape charges, and recently, more drug charges.

The question we must address is this: how could the Golden Child fall so far from grace, going from record holder to roach holder? How could Todd Marinovich morph into Todd Bridges? And what was up with that hair?

To say Marv had high hopes (honestly, no pun intended) for his son is an understatement. Anything less than perfection was ordinary in Marv's mind. And up until his first year in the NFL, Marinovich really did do no wrong...sure, he got into some trouble regarding drugs at $C, but he still got drafted in the first round, receiving a healthy $2.27 million deal with the Raiders. But most NFL players will tell you the leap from college to the NFL is like going from a tricycle to a Harley Davidson. And Marinovich was ill-equipped for a hog...he was slow, he was inaccurate, and he just didn't "get it."

Todd's father was, in a word, dominating. Explaining how he raised Todd, Marv stated, "I told him when to eat, what to eat, when to go to bed, when to get up, when to work out, how to work out." The strings were held Gepetto Marinovich. With that kind of pressure put upon his shoulders, Todd struggled. Everyone else's expectations (including an SI Cover Article with the ominous headline "Wither Todd Marinovich?") didn't help either. I am not a licensed therapist, but it is pretty easy to surmise that Todd turned to drugs to escape this pressure.

The old adage goes "there's no such thing as bad press." But when it's your first year in the NFL, and you're on one of the most visible teams in the league, bad press will ruin you. So with sub-par numbers and rumors of drug use swirling, Marinovich headed to greener pastures: Canada. But within the friendly confines of the CFL, and later the Arena Football League, Marinovich never found his groove. So it is not surprising that in his latest arrest in May of 2005, he listed his occupation as "unemployed artist" (kind of like Kevin Federline). The arrest really epitomized his career: he tried to escape by bicycle, but police caught up with him 15 blocks away. He never could escape from the defense in the NFL either.

The story of Todd Marinovich is a cautionary tale. You don't end up on ESPN's Top 25 Flops list by accident...Michael Jordan didn't wake up one morning wondering how he ended up on a minor league baseball team. No, Todd's story is one of unmitigated expectations, an overly controlling parental figure and a lack of self-worth outside that conferred by others (that last statement might be self-evident...let me think about it).

Towards the end of my favorite sports movie, Hoop Dreams, William Gates explains, "They ask me, 'Will you remember me when you're in the NBA?' I should ask them, 'Will you remember me if I'm not in the NBA?'" Perhaps Todd should have asked those around him a similar question...

What Do My Favorite Winter Olympics Events Have in Common?

2006-02-20T19:45:00.000-08:00

= Short Track Skating in Milwaukee

With the NFL season finally over, the NBA on a short hiatus for the All-Star Break, the second season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia still in production and Dick Cheney not shooting anyone this week...there's not a lot to talk about around the ol' water cooler. So inevitably, the Winter Olympics must be discussed.

Chanukah Smurf (real name protected by Smurf Name Generator) brought up today that his girlfriend would prefer to see two bobsledding teams compete at the same time. I would be remiss if I didn't mention that Chanukah Smurf also admitted today that he is a self-hating Smurf who would prefer the name Cujo Smurf...but that's another issue altogether. So anyway, the thought of two bobsledders on one track at first sounds ludicrous...they might bump into each other, one team might flip off the track, something interesting might happen, etc.

But what are my favorite Winter Olympic sports to watch? Not curling, not the slalom, not even the luge. I like snowboard cross and short track skating and hockey and cross country skiing. What do all these sports have in common? The athletes are competing against each other and not the clock. I don't care if Bode Miller is .15 ahead of the pace, .15 behind the pace or .15 over the legal limit...I want to see pushing, hair pulling and spectacular crashes. And the only way for that to happen is for all the competitors to start at the same time.

When you were young, did you ever race someone down a water slide? Did your parents time you to see who won? No, you both jumped in the chute at the same time and whoever ended up in the water first won. Why can't we do that in the skeleton...only have two racers start at the same time on the same course? The person who gets off to a quick start obviously has an advantage, but the trailing person can be more technically sound, draft in a similar manner to those sneaky Italian cross country skiiers, and then punch the leader in the face and pass them.

What would short track skating be without Apollo Yoko Ono cutting off one of the Koreans and a formal protest being launched? Or a snowboard cross event without at least one competitor not finishing after getting pushed off the course? Or how about a women's hockey match-up without checking...oh wait, there is no checking allowed in women's hockey (a ridiculous rule).

So clearly, if we're adding ridiculous events like the halfpipe where Carrot Top can win a gold medal, we can also add more events where there is some sort of physical contact. Or at the very least, more than one competitor going at a time. All this "clock watching" during the Olympics reminds me of my days when I used to work in the admissions mailroom in college...

Chub:
The best job in sports has to be the guy at the top of the ski mountain who gets the American skiers pumped up. He's really a one trick pony...his formula is say "C'mon" and then insert their first name (in the case of Bode Miller) or their knickname (in the case of Daron Rahlves) or their full name if they have a pretty boring name (Scott Macartney). A quick Google search finds that the deep voiced provocateur is none other than this guy.

Peter King

2006-02-19T23:41:00.000-08:00

= Can you guess who is Peter King in this comic book?

The Wikipedia definies Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as "an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), the need for excessive admiration or adulation, and a distinct lack of empathy." For those who watch professional basketball, you might recognize these characteristics in announcer Bill Walton. For those living in Boston, a clear victim of this devastating disease is the The CHB (Curly Haired Bastard), Dan Shaughnessy. But one sufferer of NPD has been given a free pass for way too long, coasting on the heels of a sub-par weekly column that has kept him rich and fat (well, a little slimmer in recent years). It's time for us to stand up and finally tell the emperor he has no clothes: Peter King, your column sucks.

One wonders why Peter King gets a proverbial free pass? The only thing I can come up with is that Monday sucks. The weekend being over sucks, traffic sucks, television sucks when it isn't football season. Hence, I've actually heard people say they look forward to Monday Morning Quarterback, Peter King's column. If you work in an office with an internet connection, and want to take a break from putting together another useless PowerPoint presentation, I guess I can see the appeal. But you could read Salon.com or the New York Times Online or the clock tick down on your bid for a Mary Kate and Ashley wall clock...anything but MMQB.

Five Things I Think I Think:

1. I think Peter King's excessive mentioning of his daughter Mary Beth King and her Montclair field hockey team within MMQB was nauseating. King definitely jumped the shark when he started interviewing her teammates to fill space in the column. If I wanted to read what Montclair High School kids think of Justin Timberlake, I'd read their student paper. If I wanted to know who was their field hockey player of the week...wait a second, that would never happen. Thank God his oldest daughter, Laura, didn't play sports at Tufts.

2. I think if I wanted to watch an ad for Starbucks, I would watch it on Google Video. It seems King can't go a week without mentioning something Starbucks-related. Note to King: the core audience at SI.com would probably rather read about Daddy Warbucks than Starbucks.

3. I think Peter King's man crush on Tom Brady is ridiculously obvious. He can point to Brady's win percentage as a reason to like the guy...but let's face it, quotations like "Readers of this column know what I think of Tom Brady" and "Tom Brady is as cool as a man can be" make you wonder if King also might like Mike Brady. My early pick for SI Sportsman of the Year 2006: Tom Brady. Please, Rick Reilly, explain to King what happened to Tara Reid after Brady dumped her...

4. I think Tuesday Morning Quarterback writer, Gregg Easterbrook, is considerably more talented than King. Easterbrook just gets the shaft because his article comes out on a less hated day. Witness the recent cancellation of Tom Cavanagh's series, Love Monkey. Perhaps if CBS would have put the show in its Monday lineup, it wouldn't have suffered from NHL-esque ratings.

5. I think it's amusing that Peter King has a namesake in the Republican party, a representative from New York named Peter A. King. Congressman Pete King's best quote to date occurred immediately after the 2004 election, when he said "It is all over but the counting...and we'll take care of the counting." Of course, SI's Peter King also has a number of great quotes, my favorite being "Who is Tony Shalhoub, and what is Monk?" The answer to the first question is a great actor on a USA Network series, and the answer to the second question is what I wish you would become, so you would take a vow of silence.

So as long as you continue to monopolize Mondays, a few suggestions: no more Mary Beth references, no mentions of Starbucks and take down the Tom Brady poster in your bedroom.

Chad Pennington, Ryan Leaf, Stanford Tree

2006-02-17T20:24:00.000-08:00

= "They thought saying 'please' would make a difference. Ha ha ha ha ha..."

It appears that Chad Pennington has rejected the New York Jets' offer to lower his contract by $8 million. You can file that one under "good decision." Perhaps Pennington saw Carson Palmer renegotiate his contract to the tune of nine years and $119 million, and realized you're supposed to try to get more money.

The Jets offered some seemingly good reasons for Pennington to alter his contract. First of all, they say he could easily earn all that money back through incentives. But you can't really hit your bonuses when you're dressed like this. You normally have to don a helmet and shoulder pads, and Miss Cleo sees in Pennington's future a third rotator cuff surgery and eight missed games in 2006.

Secondly, the Jets say Pennington should do it for the good of the team. Unfortunately, they are $20 million over the salary cap, and on the cusp of losing one of their better players, Ty Law. And oh by the way, the early line has the Jets at 100-1 to even make the Super Bowl. At least when Roger Clemens renegotiated his contract, he got to live in Houston. Something stinks in New Jersey...and its the Jets.

Ultimately, the Jets will probably cut Pennington because of his refusal to give up $8 million in guaranteed salary. So to recap, here are the repercussions of not signing a new contract:
-You get $9 million
-You get to leave the Jets for a team more likely to win the Super Bowl (also known as "any other team besides the Jets")
-You get to leave New Jersey for a different state (the only chance of this being a negative is if Detroit picks him up, which I don't see happening)

All in all, a great day for Mr. Pennington and his uber-agent, Tom Condon...

Chub:
Ryan Leaf has left the golf cart for the gridiron, joining the coaching staff at D2 West Texas A&M University. It's safe to say Leaf will be more of a distraction at West Texas A&M than a proverbial 12th man. Somewhere, someone is readjusting the definition of "irony" in the Wikipedia to include Ryan Leaf being named a quarterbacks coach. Leaf was actually quoted as saying "I thoroughly enjoyed my time there (in Texas) with the Cowboys." Excuse me? Leaf went 0-3 as a starter with the Cowboys, had 1 touchdown & 3 interceptions, and was cut to make room for the consummate journeyman Chad Hutchinson. That sounds like a real vacation to me. The Buffaloes were the top passing team in Division II last year, so let's hope they recruited a star running back this year...

Chub:
It seems that the UC Berkeley police took a piss on the Stanford Tree, ratting out 5th year biology student/Stanford Tree mascot Erin Lashnits for drinking on the job. What's a fifth year gotta do to have some fun around here? Notoriously liberal Berkeley seems a bit Cheney-esque in their treatment of a non-situation. The police took a closer look at the Tree after she was dancing at center court during the game instead of under the basket, which is customary during road games at Cal. A blood alcohol test yielded a .15, not quite qualifying Lashnits to coach the Oklahoma State Sooners, but getting her kicked out off the sidelines and cited for public drunkeness. Leaders of the Stanford Band, who "manage" the Tree, have distanced themselves from the controversy. Of course, this is the same band that performed outside the courthouse during the OJ Simpson hearings, mocked the potato famine during a game against Notre Dame and joked about polygamy during a tilt with BYU. I know at least one guy who shed a tear over the recent news.

Editorial Note

2006-02-17T19:57:00.000-08:00

Due to phrases like "confusing layout" and "non sequitur" being bandied about in conjunction with Wood On Sports, I am changing the layout...again. The following changes will be enacted immediately:

-Titles are being reinstalled. The titles will be more like tags, explaining what topics will be covered

-Picture & caption will continue, but will have some correlation to the topics covered. This should eliminate questions such as "why is there a picture of Andre Agassi and nothing else on him?"

-There will be only one main story, with a couple of mini stories as well (for the sake of delineation, I will refer to them as "chubs")

Any suggestions are appreciated...

Love,
The Management

2006-02-13T22:03:00.000-08:00

= When will denim shorts make their comeback in professional sports?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome to the first (and last) annual NCAA college basketball edition of Wood on Sports. Perhaps I am the exception and not the rule, but I don't find college ball that interesting. You're just as likely to find me watching the WNBA or Joey as watching Duke challenge Maryland. Sit back and enjoy, because this year's NCAA basketball edition also falls on this year's list edition of Wood On Sports.

There are a number of reasons why I hate college basketball:

1. Parity. There is way too much parity in college basketball...West Virginia could beat UCLA at Pauley, and then turn around and lose to the sub-.500 Marshall Thundering Hurd. The parity really serves to devalue victories...nobody tears down the basketball hoop after a victory over a Top-10 opponent.

2. The season is too long. Every single major conference in the country now has a season-ending tournament (with the exception of the Ivy League), which follows the 28+ games they play in the regular season. Must we really watch Eastern Michigan play Western Michigan twice in the regular season.

3. Didn't we fight the Civil War so we wouldn't have to watch all southern teams on ESPN? Look at some of the teams in the Top 10: Duke, Memphis, Texas, Tennessee, Florida. Sherman should have torched all the basketball courts in his way so we wouldn't have to watch the same cookie-cutter style of basketball night in and night out.

4. Dick Vitale. Listening to him is a Maalox Moment, baby...

I think SportsPickle.com said it best: J.J. Redick Sucks. Not being an avid fan of college basketball, I have a couple theories on why this is the case:

1. Duke sucks. J.J. plays for Duke. By the transitive property, J.J. sucks.

2. Let's review famous people with initials for a first name: OJ Simpson (sucks), DJ Jazzy Jeff (sucks), DJ Tanner (sucks)

3. He's got a bit of an attitude. In the holy trinity of cocky bastards, JJ is part of the triumvirate that also includes Chad Johnson and Terrell Owens. But unlike the latter two, J.J. is a skinny white kid who might not even succeed in the pros.

It is tough to say what the annals of history will say about Redick, but I am assuming they will not include the word "beloved"...

And finally, Gonzaga students were reprimanded for yelling "Brokeback Mountain", Georgetown students chided a certain Duke guard with "J.J.'s gay!" and Virginia Tech faithful chanted "B----" at that same Blue Devil. What does all this signal?

1. Gregorians are back in vogue.

2. Students have precipitously increased their vocabulary.

3. J.J. must know every possible insult by now.

At the end of the day, I find such chants base, tawdry and reprehensible. Something that would come out of the mouth of that little "b----", J.J. Redick...

2006-02-11T18:41:00.000-08:00

= Durex Works in Product Placement at Opening Ceremony

Before we get started, can we clarify one thing: Is it "Opening Ceremony" or "Opening Ceremonies"?

There will be a familiar sight on the sidelines at Raiders games next season...and no, I'm not talking about a dejected Randy Moss. Art Shell has relinquished his cush job as the NFL's Senior VP of Football Operations & Development to rejoin the Raiders as head coach. Being asked to coach the Raiders is a bit like having Star Jones propose to you: the money is good, but the gig sucks.

Some of the other interesting candidates approached for the head coaching position include Ken Whisenhunt, Mike Martz and James Lofton. I was hoping Dick Vermeil might be considered, to no avail. But the nefarious, bespectacled man in a white jumpsuit (hereafter referred to as "Al Davis") made a good choice. Shell was fired by the Raiders in 1994, but Davis is certainly not averse to changing his mind (see: Oakland Raiders' return to Oakland in 1995). And Shell was no slouch as a coach during his first go-round with the Silver & Black, finishing 56-41 in 5 seasons.

Here's the personnel Shell gets to play with: a strong-armed dim-witted quarterback (Kerry Collins), an incredibly athletic dim-witted receiver (Randy Moss) and a physically strong dim-witted defense (always one of the most penalized in the NFL). If the Raiders are The Bad News Bears, consider Shell their Walter Matthau (or Billy Bob Thornton, for this second go round). But I wish Shell the best of luck and congratulate Al Davis on being the first and only owner to hire a minority as a head coach this offseason. Shell was actually the first minority head coach in the modern era of the NFL (1989), and it looks like after only 17 years, we've run out of other possible candidates...

Bode Miller is stirring up controversy again, though it isn't because of something he said. At the Opening Ceremony in Turin, Miller chose to bring up the rear of the American contingent, coat unzipped and head uncovered. Was this to express his displeasure with Nick being kicked off Project Runway this week? Was it a protest of skeletoner Zach Lund's Olympic ban for Alopecia? Or was it just Bode trying to stay relevant? When your sport is only in the spotlight every four years, and sponsor dollars allow you to maintain a certain type of lifestyle, it is imperative to remain relevant and on people's minds. So as long as Miller continues to exercise civil disobedience, and doesn't have to go in front of a civil jury (see: Kobe Bryant), he should continue to be respected and rich...

You gotta love the Chicago Tribune's Rick Morrissey's article on Michelle Kwan that incorporates into its first sentence the following three components: Liberce, Thomas Kinkade, Jessica Simpson. I myself was actually thinking about incorporating into today's edition Elton John, Kunta Kinte and OJ Simpson. It seems a bit redundant now, though...

So Michelle Kwan is thinking about dropping out of the Olympics, huh? At 25 years old, she's way over the hill anyway. I mean, she is less than half the age of the oldest Olympian this year, 54 year old curler Scott Baird. But curling isn't really a sport, and in figure skating you're usually through by the time you're old enough to legally drink a glass of victory champagne. So it's only fitting that the penultimate figure skater to get bumped from a rightful spot in the Olympics (Kwan, allowing Nancy Kerrigan to compete), may cede her spot to the most recently bumped skater (Emily Hughes). Kwan may never win the gold medal, but she'll win a gold star in our hearts if she cedes to the younger, more prepared Hughes. Or she can be an obstinate...

2006-02-09T19:17:00.000-08:00

= Miss Newfoundland & Canada's Mick Jagger?

I know where I will be at 8pm PST tomorrow night...sprawled out on the couch watching the final four episodes of Arrested Development on Fox. But much of the country and world will be riveted by the majestic beauty known as the Olympic Opening Ceremony. An estimated 2 billion people will watch as athletes from 80 nations file into Olympic Stadium, serenaded by Luciano Pavarotti, thanks in part to a 2.3 billion euro investment by the Italian government. By comparison, the Super Bowl attracted 90 million viewers, a celebrity singer that nearly carried as much weight, and went on in spite of a $100k "investment" by Mrs. Wayne Gretzky.

But I've never been particularly interested in the Opening Ceremony. Why? For one thing, you can't bet on the Opening Ceremony (though I did win a $5 spot when the archer succesfully connected with the torch in `92). Secondly, no one loses in the Opening Ceremony. I mean it's kind of pointless to route against the Russians showing up at the ceremony. And finally, it is a total myth that the Olympics bring countries closer together, that it makes our world more peaceful. Remember Munich (the Games, not the excessively long Spielberg movie)? Remember Berlin in `36 ? OK, I'm having trouble thinking of examples that didn't involve Games in Germany. But my point is that the Olympics beget hate, hate and more hate. If you wanna watch something peaceful, watch these ...

The ridiculous news stories are already pouring out of Turin. As if 418 total hours of television coverage were not enough, every newspaper has a reporter "embedded" at the Olympics, lending itself to every single possible angle being covered. Example: this extremely short, extremely worthless Reuters article about 25 year old Brad Gushue, Canada's youngest skip.

A skip, for those not familiar with frozen shuffleboard, is the captain of the curling team. Gushue (pictured above) is a bit of sex symbol , attracting throngs of pasty white Canadian admirers. According to Gushue, "I did once have bras and underwear thrown at me, but not in the last 6-8 weeks." Apparently, Gushue studies at the William Shakespeare school of language. Anyway, the approximately 100 word Reuters article compares Gushue to the Rolling Stones' Mick Jagger. There are some obvious differences (age, drug use) and some very obvious differences (one probably gets laid all the time, the other is likely a virgin).

But what does this say about Canada? This is the country that brought us the Naked News, the Sex Party (the only pro-sex political party I know of) and some of the best strip clubs this side of Amsterdam. Have our friends to the North gone soft? No offense to Gushue, but he's no Mick Jagger. He's not even Elvis Costello. The guy is basically a glorified janitor. But Canada has gone ga-ga over Gushue. I think it's safe to say that he will be participating in an abstinence pact prior to the Games, though not necessarily by choice.

What are today's take-home lessons? Fox didn't kill Arrested Development, America's complete ineptitude and desire for fluff like Desperate Housewives killed AR. Watching the Opening Ceremony is great for people that hate to see people lose...or people that hate to see people win. And finally, in Canada you don't have to be good looking, muscular or athletic to get chicks...you just have to do your best Cinderella impersonation.

2006-02-07T20:56:00.000-08:00

= Slow news day at the BBC

Perhaps Antonio Davis, shooting 40% from the field this season, could take some advice from his wife. Kendra Davis is 100% at throwing cups of hot coffee through driver's side windows. In a bit of life imitating art (this time Kendra imitating Woody Harrelson's character in Kingpin), the charming wife of the Raptors' Davis threw coffee on one Kathleen Besser following a traffic dispute last fall. It is a bit of ironic timing that Besser finally decided to press charges this week, and there is no word yet if Besser will also be suing the business where Davis purchased the coffee for brewing it too hot.

In other Davis news (and there's plenty of it!)...Antonio finally showed up to Raptors practice, four days late. He apparently needed some time to clear up his thoughts...which beckons the question, what thoughts? This is the guy who demanded to be traded from the Raptors during his first stint with the team in part because of concerns that his twin children would not receive a good education in Canada. HUH??? Canada beats the US at EVERYTHING, including education. One can only surmise that Davis was worried his children might grow up in a safe, healthy, progressive environment. To quote Kendra Davis: "Antonio would have me pack a bag and go on every road trip if he could. I've often said to him, 'I don't have an NBA contract. My job is here with the kids.’" Paging Mrs. Doug Christie...

Wife Story #2: Gambling and sports, as Paul McCartney put it, "live together in perfect harmony." The latest person caught up in a gambling scandal is none other than Janet Jones, Mrs. Wayne Gretzky. Not to be confused with her polar opposite on the looks scale, Paula Jones, Janet Jones is an actress and housewife. And she's apparently "desperate" to gamble. But who are we kidding? The fact that the 45 year old hottie is parlaying and going for trifectas late into the night makes her even more attractive. Do the dishes...check. Tuck the kids in...check. Put a Benjamin on St. Joe's over Nova with the spread...check.

Why is this a sports scandal? It involves an assistant coach in a league that no one watches (thank you Outdoor Life!) and a total amount changing hands ($1.7 million) that is so small even Pete Rose didn't bother to get involved. Seriously, what the NHL should be worried about is that people in the betting league weren't putting money on NHL games. Or worse yet, that ESPN was pulling better ratings for Poker reruns than for hockey. And if I watch that stupid hand where Cyndy Viollette walks away from the table after an amateur pulls a straight on the river on her in the WSOP...

And finally, what ever happened to that VH1 reality show planned around the lives of Doug and Jackie Christie? I'd honestly rather watch Celebrity Fit Club in 3D than be forced to watch Doug and Jackie doing their hand signals all day. And a programming note to Time Warner: please remove VH1 from my cable lineup, and add BBC America so I can watch Footballer Wives. And while you're at it, please remove any channel that has Flip This House and Flip That House and any channel featuring something with "House" in the title that isn't House Party 1, 2 or 3.

2006-02-04T21:56:00.000-08:00

= Tonya Harding or Jan Brady?

It's been a tough year for Bay Area sports PR flaks. In June, 49ers PR impresario Kirk Reynolds was fired (technically, "resigned") following the release of a video he created that was deemed racist, sexist and only mildly amusing. The video was shown during training camp as part of diversity training ("paging Captain Irony"), to jokingly teach players how to better interact with the media. It lampooned Mayor Gavin Newsom, featured gratuitous female nudity, and a toothy performance by former 49ers trainer George Chung. And, surprisingly enough, over half the 49ers squad chose to skip the diversity training this past season.

This past week, the Bay Area was rocked by another sports scandal, this one involving a PR Assistant with the Golden State Warriors. Eric Govan, #3 in the media relations department, was apparently #1 when it came to racial insensitivity. Govan inadvertantly forwarded on an email titled "Ghetto Prom" to his media list, apologizing sixteen minutes later, getting fired hours later. While not exactly on par with the Vikings' "pleasure cruise" or the Mohammed cartoon strip debacle, forwarding of photos depicting minorities with accompanying disparaging remarks is a "no-no" in the NBA. Even Isiah Thomas took some time out from sexually harrassing female executives to reprimand Govan. But fear not for the young Govan, he has already lined up employment as a European soccer hooligan...

You know when the end of the Armstrong-Crow uber-celebrity romance tops your Google News page, that it is a slow news day. Thousands could die in a sinking vessel in the Red Sea, Iran could be testing nuclear weapons, and Grandpa Munster could pass on to the great coffin in the sky, but all of that pales in comparison to the ripple effect we shall feel from America's most annoying couple breaking up. Armstrong told her he had to get "out of this town & out of LA" (OK, a Beth Hart song, but pretend Crow sang it), and Crow told him where he can shove his little yellow wristband. I will assume being in the celebrity spotlight probably contributed to this breakup, because I doubt Crow would cite something such as "Armstrong was spending too much time with his kids." Anyone notice anything in common between Lance Armstrong's picture and Sammy Sosa's picture? No, I'm not implying anything. I don't need(le) to...

And finally, following in the footsteps of Nick & Jessica, Christopher Knight (aka Peter Brady) & Adrianne Curry and Flava Flav & His Oversized Clock...Barry Bonds is in negotiations to star in his own reality show on ESPN. The show, which is tentatively scheduled to air on Tuesdays, will be an all-access, fly-on-the-wall look at the Life of Bonds. The questions are already rolling in...will it show Barry applying cream/clear? Will it show Barry scuffling with teammates in the dugout? Will it show Barry evading paying taxes? Will there be interviews with Barry's alleged mistress? In all likelihood, the show will be a whole lotta this and not too much of this because ESPN is a total this when it comes to Barry coverage. What's next...a reality show for this guy?

2006-02-01T21:14:00.000-08:00

= Modern Day Clark Gable?

I apologize for the brevity of today's posting...I'm trying to catch HBO's 900th airing of "Million Dollar Baby" in the last two months.

It worked for the late Johnnie Cochrane, but will it work for Donovan McNabb? The Eagles' quarterback has decided that the time has come to play the race card, attacking Terrell Owens for his comments earlier this year. McNabb felt slighted when Owens said in an interview with ESPN that the team would be better off with Brett Favre at quarterback than the hobbled McNabb. While the comment brought much joy and a tear to John Madden's eye, McNabb was less than thrilled.

But rather than cry over spilled Campbell's condensed milk, McNabb is jabbing back with verbal barbs such as "It was like, it's unreal. That's like me going out and saying, `Hey, if we had Steve Largent. If we had Joe Jurevicius.'" Note to Donovan McNabb: Joe Jurvecius is about as similar to Brett Favre as Chris Chelios is to Manute Bol. Was this really a racial issue? McNabb points out that Owens could have chosen to mention Steve McNair or Byron Leftwich or Daunte Culpepper or Michael Vick in lieu of Brett Favre. But let's look at the scorecard: Brett Favre: 2 Super Bowls, 1 Super Bowl Victory, only 3-time NFL MVP in history of league. Vick + McNair + Leftwich + Culpepper= 1 Co-MVP (McNair), 1 Super Bowl appearance (McNair), 0 Super Bowl victories, 1 awesome Booze Cruise (Culpepper).

Owens recently met with the Denver Broncos, a team desperate to replace Rod Smith with some fresher legs. Owens was rumored to have been thinking about trying out for the Utah Jazz, until he realized there were in fact a handful of African-Americans on the team. But in all seriousness, Owens' comments don't reflect a hatred of African-Americans. Rather, they reflect a love of Native Americans, as Brett Favre is actually a quarter Choctaw Indian. I guess the only trail of tears this time is Donovan's...

A bit of sad news on the C-list celebrity front: ex-Full House star Jodie Sweetin (Stephanie) has admitted to a Meth Problem. And I'm not talking about a "Meth"od Acting Problem, because everyone knows she was by far the worst actor on the show. Before you say "how rude", consider that even Kimmy Gibler was less annoying than Stephanie. But I digress. There is some good news to the story, as an intervention for Sweetin involving Mary-Kate/Ashley Olson, Bob Saget and John Stamos was actually filmed for a holiday special. Next up on the Full House intervention front: one to prevent John Stamos from doing bodily harm to himself when Rebecca Romijn consummates her marriage with Jerry O'Connell.

2006-01-30T20:51:00.000-08:00

= Winner of the Ford Bronco Invitational

New Orleans' Chris Andersen was kicked out of the NBA for "violating the terms of the Anti-Drug Program agreed to by the NBA and the National Basketball Players Association." And he can't blame Miguel Tejada for this one, unless Miguel told him he was giving him an aspirin and it turned out to be a tablet of ecstasy. Who would have thought the long-haired, headband wearing, Long Beach native was hopped up on goofballs? Speaking of Long Beach...it looks like even the genius Pete Carroll feels the need to be demure in the presence of the Doggfather. Snoop Dogg was apparently chosen in 2004 as the Coach of the Year in Pop Warner Football by the Ricky Williams foundation. Anyone who can't see the irony in Snoop winning an award from a foundation named after Ricky Williams is probably a little hazy about now...

But back to "The Birdman." He is probably best known for his less-than-stellar performance at last year's NBA All-Star Slam Dunk Contest, where his repeated missed attempts would have embarrassed even Billy Hoyle. But the loss of Andersen is a blow to the NBA, which now has exactly one white non-European center, Raef Lafrentz. And we all know it is just a matter of time before Lafrentz starts hitting the yayo, the powder, the piff, the butter, etc.

Skier Bode Miller has accused slugger Barry Bonds and sellout Lance Armstrong of using performance enhancing drugs to beat the competition in an interview with Rolling Stone. Initial reaction: what is this guy, drunk? In all fairness to Miller, Rolling Stone hasn't been relevant in years, so he was likely trying to just get the publication some press of its own. If anything, Miller should be reprimanded for stating the obvious. I mean, he might as well have added "Oprah is a horrible judge of character" and "Jude Law is not monogamous" while he was at it.

The San Diego Padres have picked up electrifying catcher Mike Piazza...not that there's anything wrong with that. Seriously, could there have been a worse pick up? I would have been happier if the Padres picked up Mark Blount and Ricky Davis. Their incumbent catcher (Doug Mirabelli, acquired in the Mark Loretta trade) is better than Piazza. The litigious Yogi Berra is better than Piazza, even at 80 years old. I would rather have a slice of mozzarella behind the plate than Mr. Piazza. His contract calls for him to make $1.25 million in 2006, with a $750K buyout option for the Padres, or they can resign him for $8 million in 2007. And yet every media outlet is calling it a $2 million deal? Who amongst us doesn't think Piazza will get his $8 million in `07? (insert sound of crickets) San Diego GM Kevin Towers...not so money(ball).

2006-01-26T22:41:00.000-08:00

= What do you get when you cross Twiggy and Punky Brewster?

"Skating with Celebrities" would ostensibly seem about as appealing as "Deal Or No Deal"...until you realize it is co-hosted by the immaculate Summer Sanders! No offense to Howie Mandel, but I could probably even stomach "Deal Or No Deal" with Summer as the host. Heck, throw her in with Louie Anderson and a drunk Richard Anderson, and I'd still be fine. The pairing with Scott Hamilton looks about as forced as a Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise kiss though, so I say ditch the midget skater and let Summer shine solo.

Yes, I will admit I stayed up until 3am to watch the David Nalbandian-Marcos Baghdatis Australian Open semifinal tennis match. The names suggest World's Strongest Men contestants, yet these guys are both pretty damn good at tennis. But anyone watching the coverage will notice it was slanted...towards Baghdatis' girlfriend. The television camera cut away to French model Camille Neviere (who also happens to be Baghdatis' coach's stepdaughter) more than during the great Laura Quinn debacle earlier this year during the Ohio State-Notre Dame bowl game. But you'll be hearing no complaints from me. We even get some great headlines out of it, such as the India Times' : "Baghdatis, girl to celebrate victory."

The opponent of Lynn Swann in the Pennsylvania gubernatorial campaign has fired his campaign manager following his comment that "the rich white guy in this campaign is Lynn Swann." The opponent of Lynn Swann, who in every media outlet today was only referred to as "the opponent of Lynn Swann", has distanced himself from the comments. The opponent should have known his campaign manager was a little nutty when he earlier that day said "OJ Simpson is that innocent white guy."

Tiger Woods has purchased property in Jupiter, Florida for a whopping $38 million . I've often wondered how Jesper Parnevik didn't cheat on his wife with the nanny, Elin Nordigren, Tiger Woods' current wife? This picture does not help answer that question. In other news, John Daly's wife has moved out of her trailer park and into the Big House.

Isiah Thomas is being accused of sexual harrassment by a former front office worker at the New York Knicks, Anucha Browne Sanders. Isiah apparently had a "strip club strategy" where he pushed for more Sunday noontime games, which would be preceded by Saturday nights full of drinking and strippers for opponents. Firstly, I guess this picture of Isiah and Magic Johnson kissing wasn't really indicative of Isiah's true feelings. Secondly, wasn't that plan already attempted and failed by the Tri Lams when they faced off against the Alpha Deltas in "Revenge of the Nerds"?

Star Magazine reports Jennifer Love Hewitt may be considering posing nude in Playboy. I would give more credence to this article if the Star didn't spread vicious rumors, like this one about Ellen Degeneres making out with a woman.

And finally, following up on a story reported earlier this month on this very blog, Skeleton coach Tim Nardiello will NOT be heading up the US team competing in Turin. On the bright side, he has been hired as the Senior Vice President of Marketing at the New York Knicks. Bookies are already adjusting the spread on Sunday home games for the Knicks...

2006-01-23T20:38:00.000-08:00

= Clearly in Mourning

The NFL has once again proven it's time honored mantra: "African-American players are fine, African-American coaches are not." This offseason there were 10 coaching openings. Final tally: 9 white coaches selected, 1 undecided (Raiders) and 0 minorities. Glad to see that minority hiring policy is working!

It's not as if there are no qualified minority assistant coaches that could step into head coaching roles. The Dick Jauron hiring in Buffalo is probably the most puzzling. He didn't even have a winning record in his five seasons in Chicago. Green Bay's hiring of San Francisco offensive coordinator Mike McCarthy wins the special runner-up prize. Did you see San Francisco's offense last season? Perhaps McCarthy is saving all his best plays for Green Bay.

So the question remains: what can the NFL do? The current hiring policy is clearly just lip service. Do you think Matt Millen had on the yellow sticky pad on his desk: "Make sure to do obligatory interview with minority prior to hiring so you don't get fined this time"? The development pipeline needs to start with college coaches and college assistant coaches. We need more Tyrone Willinghams. More...you know, I'm hard pressed to think of another African-American head coach amongst the majors in NCAA. With no development pipeline, the ownership in NFL will continue to select from the same list of failed coaches (ie Jauron and McCarthy), rather than hiring the next Lovie Smith.

It's official: Americans spend more than they make. Congratulations, Americans, for purchasing just enough iPods, just enough flat screen TVs and driving up mortgage payments just enough to put us in the red. It's no wonder the rest of the world hates us...it's because we owe the rest of the world $8.1 trillion dollars. At least one person did something about reducing the debt...but had to die first.

And finally...considering that the average person flying on an airplane should have more money than the average American, and more education than the average American, is it also reasonable to expect that person to have better manners? Magic 8-ball says "NO."

2006-01-18T20:17:00.000-08:00

= One Leif That Fell Far From the Tree

I apologize for the irregularity in posting intervals. But to be honest, this isn't really the meatiest part of the sports season. Case in point: Pete Rose took the week off from betting.

Bode Miller has apologized for his comments concerning drinking and skiing. The media tide has turned a bit in recent days, with more pundits defending Bode than chastising him. To be fair, his comment was that it is difficult to ski while wasted. If he took the opposite position, I could understand the uproar. But what he said was a fact. And although it is impossible to condone drinking & skiing, at least Bode is out on the course alone, endangering only himself. It's not like the comments came from Jimmy Johnson or Tony Stewart. And why don't I remember a similar uproar when David Wells revealed he threw a no-hitter drunk?

I found myself up at 12:30 am the other night about to watch the Martina Hingis comeback match at the Australian Open...is that not proof it is the off-season for sports?

Speaking of the Australian Open, the rumors are swirling that Maria Sharapova and Andy Roddick are a couple. If they had a kid, do you think it would be better looking than Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf's?

Steve Francis was suspended for a game after refusing to return to a game during the fourth quarter of another routine blowout of the Magic. The question remains: should the rest of the team also be suspended for refusing to play anything that resembles basketball? UPDATE: Grant Hill will be out the next 7-10 days. I know, I too was shocked by the news.

And finally, William Shatner sold his kidney stone to our friends at GoldenPalace.com in exchange for $20,000 that will be donated to Hurricane Katrina relief. Say what you want about GoldenPalace.com, but at least they are consistent in their ridiculous purchases. I just wish they'd bring back their streaker campaign.

2006-01-11T20:06:00.000-08:00

= Michael Bolton: Desperate Has-Been?

Apparently good academics isn't the only selling point convincing football recruits to come to Stanford University. News broke yesterday of Stanford athletes taking potential recruits to a San Francisco strip club called New Century Theater three years ago. The real story, though, is that these athletes overspent their $30/day entertainment stipend by sums including $3.70, $6.01 and $6.86. A couple of major issues here:

1. Do you think the owners chose the name New Century Theater so it wouldn't arouse suspicion on expense accounts? Clearly the folks in the finance department at Stanford thought their football players were taking recruits to a movie theater to watch Schindler's List or Howard's End. If a husband had that listed on his credit card, a wife would assume her husband was sneaking off to the movies during lunch.

2. What can you get at a strip club for $33.70? I don't have a lot of first hand knowledge of strip clubs, but that sounds like the price of the salad bar and maybe a couple drinks.

3. How did these football players get into Stanford in the first place when they can't even count to $30? I guarantee John Elway and Jim Plunkett stayed under that number when they took their recruits to the strip club.

4. How was Stanford football so bad three years ago? Maybe since the recruits were seniors in high school at the time, they will fully blossom this coming year as juniors. I'm taking Stanford as my early season favorite to win the Rose Bowl.

The lesson learned: taking recruits to a strip joint is not a crime; bad math and bad football is.

The People's Choice Awards took place last night. Not exactly the Oscars, but the awards probably carry more prestige than say the Daytime Emmys. Big winners on the night included Star Wars: Episode III (Favorite Movie), Jessica Simpson's These Boots Are Made for Walkin' (Favorite Song from a Movie) and American Idol (Favorite Reality). This proves two things: People are idiots and the only people that vote for these awards are twelve year old boys.

Some of the other categories where winners were chosen include the Crest Whitestripes Fans Favorite Smile, Nice N' Easy Fans Favorite Hair and Olay Total Effects Fans Favorite Look award. It's good that some things are still sacred and not able to be bought by corporate America. I'm surpised there wasn't a Chic-fil-A White Trash award (Projected Winner: Britney Spears) or Tostitos Really Let Themself Go This Year award (Britney, again).

And finally, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are expecting a child. Ironically, it will be the least good looking of their three children. Jolie recently officially had the names of her children changed to Zahara Jolie-Pitt and Maddox Jolie-Pitt. Makes you wonder if in elementary school Zahara will wonder why her parents couldn't have normal last names, like Smith? Oh wait, Zahara won't be going to elementary school. But seriously, lets hope the new baby doesn't end up the Dana Plato to Zahara & Maddox's Gary Coleman and Todd Bridges...

2006-01-10T20:36:00.000-08:00

= Not a Rick James Impersonator

Another tragic story from the world of Skeleton: top American racer Zach Lund has been suspended for testing positive for drugs. Don't blame Miguel Tejada for this one....Lund tested positive for Propecia! Yes, Propecia, the drug designed to stop Alopecia (male pattern baldness for those scoring at home). Apparently, Propecia is also used as a masking agent...I know for a fact that it has been known to mask the fact that you are BALDING. In all seriousness, the 27 year old should be forgiven for using Propecia. We have to realize though that Skeletoners get paid less than WNBA players, and the pickup line "wanna take a ride on my skeleton?" just doesn't seem to work at the bar like it used to. So a full head of hair is basically an absolute necessity to compete in the world today. In fact, hair would make you less aerodynamic, meaning it should actually be a performance inhibitor. But tell that to the bastards at the ISF (International Skeleton Federation).

In other news, Carson Palmer has exonerated Kimo "Otto" von Oelhoffen of any wrongdoing in the play that prematurely ended Palmer's season. von Oelhoffen, not to be confused with the eight World Strongest Men competitors who have a similar name, was obviously contrite after the incident. Carson was a little woozy after the hit though, telling von Oelhoffen that "In the nick of time a hero arose/A funny looking dog with a big black nose", concluding his statement with "Merry Christmas, my friend."

There has been a lot of press lately comparing Gonzaga's Adam Morrison to the great Celtic Larry Bird. In my mind, that's like comparing Starsky to Hutch (full disclosure: I watched about five minutes of that disastrous flick on HBO tonight). Superficially, Morrison is similar to Bird in his embrace of the upper lip whisker. But to be perfectly honest, Morrison physically resembles the new breed of European basketball player that has taken the NBA by storm (Darko Milicic/Zarko Cabarkapa), and would benefit from an introduction to something called shampoo. Whereas Bird was clearly deriving his look from the "E.Z. Taylor" character from Three's Company that worked under Jack at Angelino's. In all fairness to Morrison, it's hard to live up to the Bird hype though...I mean, can you picture Bird covering LeBron or Kobe now?

And finally, have you ever found yourself a half hour into an episode of World Series of Poker only to realize you'd already seen that episode before? And you only realize you've seen it before because Mike Matusow CAN'T be mocking Phil Hellmuth's line of designer sunglasses again, can he?

2006-01-09T20:40:00.000-08:00

= Part of the Tom Bergeron museum

I apologize for the delay between posts...I was busy trying to read through all the arrest warrants issued in Marcus Vick's name.

Since it is the start of the New Year, I thought I would go with a new format...no format at all (surprise!). Just as television has virtually abandoned the scripted television show in favor of the scripted reality television show, I have given up on the single theme, article-esque motif. Instead, I will follow the lead of the Monday Morning Quarterback...err, Tuesday Morning Quarterback...err, Wednesday Morning Quarterback...is there a sacred day of the week left when there isn't a goddamn quarterback?

The blog will be more like concentric circles...or Hollywood Squares. Sports will be the center square, the Whoopi Goldberg if you will (or Paul Lynde if you're more of a fan of the early years). It will be the anchor, the foundation, the cork in Sammy Sosa's bat. Entertainment will be taking the square occupied by Jim J. Bullock. National News will be Alf. And International News will be conspicuously absent, as we wish Charo was from Squares (shorthand for "Hollywood Squares" if you watched everyday growing up like me).

Which brings us to the survey question of the week: If you were producing a game show now....Alan Thicke or JD Roth as host?

Alternate question: If there was a contract dispute on the set of "Four Kings" (worst tv show since "Joey")...just replace Seth Green with JD Roth and hope nobody notices?

Final question: "Life with Louie" or "Bobby's World"?

Back to Sports: Tom Mora got fined $25K last week for the cell phone call he made a few weeks back during Atlanta's loss to Tampa Bay. Does he not realize there are cameras EVERYWHERE? We have helmet cam, sky cam, cup cam...the cell phone probably had a camera inserted in it from Fox. And you gotta love Joe Horn demanding Mora get fined $30K, like he had for his end zone celebration involving a cell phone. Horn's celebration was obviously premeditated...let's hope Mora hadn't planted the cell phone under the Gatorade cooler on the sideline to shock and titillate the crowd.

It seems the coach of women's US Olympic Skeleton team might be punished for his lack of decorum. Not a lot of press on the story, even though it has reached the Supreme Court, the same group that ruled on Roe v Wade, Brown v Board of Education and the Anna Nicole Smith case. It's safe to say that if it had been the luge coach, we'd be talking front page news.

It looks like Chad Lowe and Hilary Swank are no longer together. When brother Rob was asked for comment, he tossed his hair, shouted "the wet look is in, asshole", and proceeded to do a line of coke off the living room table.

Perhaps with her new found freedom, Hilary can return the second "L" to the proper location in her name.

If you were watching closely, you noticed the more experienced quarterback won every wild card game this past weekend (Brady over Leftwich, Delhomme over E. Manning, Roethlisberger over Palmer and Brunell over C. Simms). Do you think Kurt Warner's agent's phone is ringing off the hook?

And finally, according to People Magazine, Anna Kournikova made a trip to Biloxi, Mississippi to visit with victims of Hurricane Katrina. She gave People exclusive excerpts to her journal from the trip: "As I walked down a narrow path I was haunted by all the things I had seen...which reminded me of how haunted I was by Serena getting all the line calls. And how come Lindsay Davenport gets calls? She's not even pretty. And that Amelie Mauresmo...someone needs to check her for steroids. Of course I had to drop out of tennis, everyone was against me...it was truly heartbreaking."