que dice tomas

2009-07-12T15:43:00.004-05:00

i have a tendency to write about completely stupid things because i am trying to avoid writing about what i really want to. either that, or i slip into direct addresses which are lame because if you can't say it to someone's face, maybe you shouldn't say it. um, freedom of speech vs. communicative value, i guess.

i've spent the past few hours in a cafe i don't ever go to, reading pound's "love poems of ancient egypt" and ginsberg's "kaddish". the themes: love and death, mostly. kaddish seems to be a response to the death of ginsberg's mother, naomi. the "love poems" are english translations of hieroglyphic poetry.

love and death. big. prevalent. i dunno, i feel like i'm guarded from at least one of these by a wall of insecurities and routines. like the walkmen sing: "tell everyone//nothing's going on". i don't really like where this is going, and by "this" i mean my brief existence. i was talking to abe today about how hard and exciting i thought grown-up life would be when i was littler. but it's not really. it can be as bland as you let it be, and i have been letting it be bland lately. it is love that i'm missing. not family love, or friend love, but i love her, she loves me love. and i sit here behind my wounds and doubts and cynicism and know this. ...the effort of meeting someone, the chances of meeting someone i would like, dealing with all the emotions of seperation/guilt/new love/anxiety.

yes, it is a big risk. a risk i would meet with everything i have, but for my reasons shrink from.
it's like putting your hand back on the stove burner, and hoping that this time it's not turned on.

i'm not saying this to inspire anyone to help me find someone, or to stick anything to anyone. "everything is ok forever and forever." it's just that i will never forget the trail that i have walked. eh, it probably doesn't matter that i don't think life is fair. i just don't like feeling that everything i did and felt was dust. and it is. it totally is now. or that i have to find something bigger or better so i can look back and smile at a crooked trail. i've been so down about this lately. i don't like how exclusive people are, people living their lives within their own circles. the world is getting smaller, but the idea of meeting someone is more daunting as you get older. i hate the fact that i'll be twenty-seven this year, that i got so old without getting a better look at this world than i have taken. a valuable life is what i'm looking for, but on what scale? where do you start when you have little ambition, only to be something of value to someone who is of value to you? to start from there, and see what is next. maybe that epicenter thinking is what cause these impenetrable circles that i sigh at.

it was supposed to be a better day than this.

2009-07-11T20:12:00.002-05:00

went on a 15 mile bike ride with charlie today. finally got out on the american tobacco trail. saw some horses. biked some country roads. even stopped off at crema for an iced chai...HA! i'm just glad i don't work tomorrow...i'm sure my legs are going to feel it.

i miss my family. the future is unclear as ever. not much else to say right now.

what else should i be? all apologies.

it is the time of year. it is the repetition.

2009-07-11T00:27:00.002-05:00

i work in a drive-thru now. i've been to college. i have college debt. and now i "suggestive sell" smoothies at a coffee chain drive-thru. a customer asked me today why we do it...does it actually work, to ask every customer if they want a stupid strawberry banana smoothie...

i told him it doesn't, really. not one person in the past four days has said yes, and i've ask almost all of them. maybe someone should tell the head honchos that customers might already know what they want when they get to us...

i told the guy i didn't agree with it, but that it's my job, and that i do what the boss says. he said he couldn't fault me for that, but he feels like it's wasting his time, and it makes us seem like a McRestaurant. i think i explained the law of averages in layman's terms. 9 people say no, one says yes. maybe we're making a sale we wouldn't have.

but then again, maybe the person we manage to sell a 3 dollar smoothie to was going to buy a 5 dollar "blended coffee beverage". that's a net loss of two dollars. hmm, makes you wonder if maybe....you should... let the customer decide what they want? gasp.

drive-thru is chaos. i have a new respect for people i've known who have worked it. but it will get easier. especially once i figure out the things i was probably supposed to learn in some sort of training. in my experience, this job has always offered a sink-or-swim sort of training.

venting: the only thing more annoying than customers who don't realize they need to tell us what size drink they want are customers who tell us two different sizes without realizing it ("i need a grande iced venti caramel macchachino.")

if nothing, then what? if
it was a misalignment of energy,
if positive is all i ever give
and negative all you ever see,
then what? i suppose nothing,
but i expect beyond nothing, i
believe in space beyond matter,
in something beyond everything.
but this is just me, my chatter.
i silence my wounding tongue to
let you heal, to let you be.
you were too right for me,
and i was too wrong for you.

2009-07-05T23:43:00.005-05:00

now that i have that off my chest, i'm going to start focusing on other things. such as training for the half marathon in november. this race will be the farthest distance i've ever run at once, and training for it will most certainly get me into shape. i remember standing on the side of the road at the race last fall, watching hundreds of people go by, wishing that i was among them. ...well...no more standing on the side of the road.

p.s. - do you ever have a day when 95% of the people you know or encounter somehow collectively reduce your faith in mankind? well, today was one of those days for me.

2009-07-05T09:37:00.003-05:00

hey, hey, hey, hey, don't say you will, unless you will.

i'm writing because i want to and this is ok. however selfish it may seem, this is my blog and i can express whatever i want to without feeling like i have to impress or kowtow to anyone else's opinions or styles. i say this not in a spirit of teenage rebellion, but in response to a certain offender to whom i will be turning a deaf ear from now on. oh how childish of me. well, at least i'm not acting like being with you was a horror story to tell. i stood up for you when you did what you needed to do. i offered my support, which you rejected, and i honored your wishes not to contact you. fine. pretend like everyone you were with before your current boyfriend was an isa if it makes you feel better about once again putting your life on hold for someone you're trying to fix or save. i'm sure i just don't understand. did i stab you in the back for acting selflessly? did i try to make you look bad to anyone at all? no. you can't believe where you were a year ago? ...with someone who would go against everyone's advice and take a stand for you and do all he knew to help you have a happy life? yeah, ok. well, as always, i wish you happiness and good things. but it's my turn. please don't contact me. thanks.

saltwater

2009-06-29T22:19:00.004-05:00

we walked along cobblestone streets, gaslights burning above the doors of colonial houses. the air was warm and wet, with all sorts of old moldy, salty smells to it. the sun was doing it's thing, going down, turning the cumulus clouds a bright red-orange. my sister and i walked toward the Battery, a few miles south from the King's Courtyard Inn.

we talked about you, you know. it's been awhile since we had really talked, so all the time capsules were opened and perused. we passed all the closed stores of King street, some with display lights begging our return in the morning, others just dark and nothing else. brick houses everywhere. ivy on the brick, white fountains in private courtyards. everyone seems to own a steel gate with a code pad here. i don't know who they're afraid of--barely anyone was out. not even the homeless. the emptiness of the streets would have been frightening, or maybe only threatening, if it hadn't been for the muggy Charleston air. it was the assailant. it alone was on the prowl.

but we talked about you, in an effort to try to fix something. i did my best before, and i have to say i did a decent job. but there is still work to be done after all, because tonight i realized something. standing on the concrete boardwalk of the Battery, looking out at the dark water, the black sky, the moving lights on the water, the glare from the lighthouse, i realized something. i felt the tip of it immediately when you left, and the blade sank deep in the months that followed. but what i realized tonight was that there is a gap, a new void, a wound created when the knife is withdrawn. i realized this while watching the black water create white foam on the rocks below the boardwalk, sucking on my own tears.

it was a quiet walk back to the inn. when the only thing to do and the hardest thing to do are the same, we don't have too many options, do we?

i still have visions of the beautiful northwest. reminders find their way to me, though i have not called to them. the clear air, the pine trees. i know i have to return some day, on my own terms and for my own reasons. this way that i'm living just won't do. many days i don't even realize that i'm living my life. i don't even realize that i'm hanging by my feet from a globe suspended in space by gravity, that i have any influence on anything, that i could. in fact, as sad as it is, many days i don't quite care.

but don't worry. trust me. i read my blog more than anyone else in the world. i'll read this ten times and analyze myself and figure out what's wrong with me. this is just the whimper over salt in the wound.

i believe that charleston is haunted with history and thought.

2009-06-26T21:23:00.002-05:00

i finished the dharma bums today, and i think i might have a new favorite book. my old favorite was...well, anything by j.m. barrie. but dharma bums has such a poetic prose feel to it, the kind i would probably write in if i ever wrote a book, and it was a fantastic read. even though it took me two months.

impressing impressions

2009-06-24T21:51:00.011-05:00

there will be a base. there is always some way of seeing it. this. always so easy to step back and understand or stand and see. i write words because i like them. ah, the whole world falls asleep on me every night and then i'm left sitting there and here. what is the stars? what is the moon? take off your moleskin trousers and your coat. did you see where i put my papers? there was a being who grew up somewhere and learned things but specifically how to make the glass that holds my water. what a path that must have been, that story never told, and who was that being? we are unaware of infinite stories. the stories we see push and shove their way to be noticed and known, but there are others. these other stories and similar sorts of things cripple me. the unimportant untold. it makes me cry for the whole silence of it. i don't like by the way the clarity of my writing. whether it is unclear or too clear after all i don't like it. i like more than it the movie in the background where all the characters have unintelligible irish accents and the fuzz sound of all old black and white movies fills the space between the flubba lubba dialogue. and a scene of a view out a window, staring at a downpour, and the sound of tommy gunshots. i can't even tell you what this movie is about. i think the theme of the story is the overwhelming nature of gray noise. crackle crackle crackle shhhhrrrrhh. i'm can hardly believe this is hitchcock.

i had a conversation with a co-worker a day or two ago. it was enlivening to talk about the soul-sapping nature of perpetual broke-ness, of working to fuel the materialistic cycle that we didn't want to be in in the first place. our desires to live in...

... a world full of rucksack wanderers, Dharma Bums refusing to subscribe to the general demand that they consume production and therefore have to work for the privilege of consuming, all that crap they didn't really want anyway such as refrigerators, TV sets, cars, at least new fancy cars, certain hair oils and deodorants and general junk you finally always see a week later in the garbage anyway, all of them imprisoned in a system of work, produce, consume, work, produce, consume, I see a vision of a great rucksack revolution thousands or even millions of young Americans wandering around with rucksacks, going up to mountains to pray, making children laugh and old men glad, making young girls happy and old girls happier, all of 'em Zen Lunatics who go about writing poems that happen to appear in their heads for no reason and also by being kind and also by strange unexpected acts keep giving visions of eternal freedom to everybody and to all living creatures...
-j.k.

...oh, yeah...that's just the utopian-minded beat people at it again...with their ideas of simple peace. the world isn't that simple. we have to have our east bank/west bank divisions. we have to protest and judge and think down upon and distrust...others, those others whoever they are.

i know i want to travel the world. it has beauty that i may never get to see. it holds sub-heavenly, yes, but hearts-softening things that i would like to see. but there are all those threats. i was born in the states, therefore 75% of the world dislikes me because of four words on my passport: united states of america. without even meeting me. before knowing that i would love to meet everyone on this planet, see how they're doing, who they are. everyone.

this is a sad state of affairs. or am i making excuses. hiding behind little fears?

my co-worker asked me, almost in tears, what it did to me to lose the only love i had loved. didn't it ruin something in you, didn't it change you inside, didn't it harden you and break something, how did you make it through, how did you go on? he said all this with a passionate red face, speaking from experience, and relating, and sympathizing. and i answered his questions with the best answers, the most honest ones, that i could give, but honestly felt weak or broken or empty for obviously feeling less passion about it, about other things too, than he showed.

the walls form on their own. they say the great wall of china can be seen from space. it was built by slaves over years and years and years, but it was built by someone, for some reason. he asked if it made walls form around my insides, my center, my heart, soul, hopes, feelings, dreams. it did, but these walls were not built by someone for some reason. they simply became. they arrived and they exist. some call it lessons learned and others call it defense mechanisms. maybe they are just memories with minds of their own, more capable than we might think.

but he wanted to leave his three jobs and pursue his dream of teaching english in africa. i told him to go for it, of course. we share the same feeling of slaving for no reason at all, burning away, growing old, and watching our friends grow up and blow away. it really is a pathetic/desperate state to be in, to have an overflowing heart in a city of deaf ears.

but i don't know. i ask myself if it's all a bluff. an attempt to find some specific kind of so-and-so. yes, the years are burning away, maybe faster than we think. all the people who've walked this earth, from the first to the last...who has really understood the brevity of our state? little puffs of worry and concern. spitting and sweating over relative blinks of the eye.

ex·is·ten·tial·ism (ěg'zĭ-stěn'shə-lĭz'əm, ěk'sĭ-)
n. A philosophy that emphasizes the uniqueness and isolation of the individual experience in a hostile or indifferent universe, regards human existence as unexplainable, and stresses freedom of choice and responsibility for the consequences of one's acts.

i had the wrong understanding of that term. i thought it meant more of a perspective which tends to be skeptical, but more importantly stands back from everything....everything... and tries to figure out what really is happening. i thought it to be the nature of doubters, which i thought i was at times. but this definition seems much more atheistic than i thought the term was. this uniqueness and individual power to determine. why be so prideful? it's a ridiculous idea. why? because it makes it easier for some people to sleep to slip into a life of self-defining yourself and everything. plus, you can be self-righteous about the fact that at least i'm not a nihilist.

but what we realized is that we are not happy with the way things are. with the way that we work to be broke, the way we love to be unwanted. it would be easy to get sidetracked in laughter at the ridiculousness of it.

but still we try. millions and billions and thousands of people keep plugging along, trying. who are we to do any different, to sit thinking sadly of anything or any other way that would be better? the world feels too worn and numb for any sort of revolution. we have our two political parties, it's simple us versus them, vote A or B. we have our wendy's, our Volkswagens, ours strip mall nail salons, our wal-marts and french fries, our theater blockbusters, our talk radio, or endless Web sites to tell us anything we want to hear, our low fat cheeses, our carpet cleaners, our business expressways to clog with our cars...

ask yourself this...and i do every time i see it... why does it seem weird to see someone walking on the side of the road? this might seem ok in places like new york city, l.a., seattle, san francisco, chicago. it's ok to walk places in big cities where having a car is a burden.

maybe it's just me. but i know that families in guatemala would walk miles through the mountains to go to church. and it's weird to walk a couple miles to the store? is it? is it just me? i just worry where this country is going, not really for political reasons...just human reasons. i have this sense of some mass group think across the lands of our country just dumbing down and losing meaning and changing for the worse all that we could enjoy about being a nation of people. supersizing their fries and apathy and expecting their morning starbucks run to be like a dash through mcdonalds.

slow down, people. do something of value. mean something. love people. and i don't mean annihilate yourself trying to love every being on the earth. start with the people around you. the people you actually see every day. the people you think about between thoughts. give these people everything you have. the kid that makes your coffee. the slack worker in your department. the person next to you at night.

i dunno. this is what i try to do. i'm too practical sometimes. but my friend and i will both be 27 this year, and we're worried. he said, with mild profanities, that if he died today and looked back on his life he would be depressed by how little he did that was of real value. and i agreed. 27 years of always working for something in the future. school to prepare us for a job to earn us money to buy us things to trap us.

ugh.

my candles have been burning faithfully for several hours. i think i'll give them a rest, and join them in their sleep.

the question of: audience

2009-06-22T00:07:00.003-05:00

you told me you loved me
that i'd never die alone
hand over your heart, let's go home
-kings of leon

who is that this that you are, that you've become?
these theses arrive at a weak thesis, therefore:
god, glory, gold. displace my experience to a simple
hypothetical or a distant historical. do you see?
but suddenly it is no longer you, the ears,
the consciousness pandered to or pondered,
already existence fretting to another deity.
however: honest, to be truthful, honestly being,
and this line already passed on to another,
transition taking place as if facts were faced,
to: hello there. i once met you somewhere,
learned oh such-and-such more about what, your
brilliant this and how you judge and handle
all the forever this-and-thats. now please.
where i stand thinking, this side of everything
that i face, as if toward, as if knowing,
as if the peripheral blinders were put on:
(eventually i'll shake this perpetual reverting)

dear someone else, i am expandingly full of me
and before you know i exist, you already deserve
all your favorite apologies. the ones that work.
this this that i am, this me, forgive me.

but there are waiting days, if not tuesdays
then fridays, or some days or sundays. and if i
only lay here in my creaking bed, if i do nothing else,
or if i contract my muscles, run to the end of:
dry land, solid matter, neutrons, crooked thoughts,
painted things on dusty shelves in a dream,
if i do nothing or if everything i can do i do,
then who are you? where do you find yourself
existing in your current state with life
in your allness for a time? what i want to know is--
what i mean is... who are you and
what is going on?

is this the root of how we exist?

you were a sixth child of nine.
you were a hair stylist in the bronx because don't they need one?
you were a runaway child who never found anything better.
you were a success and bitter on the same day.
you were a gorgeous this and a decent that.
you were a story one friend told another.

and somehow in the evening there is a still water.
let us never be used up and shown the door.

"...hey, you've got to hide your love away..."

2009-06-14T02:24:00.003-05:00

i missed the exit for hwy 64 somehow. accidentally drove to sanford on the 421. and so my short cut was 20 minutes longer than the long way home. now after watching the lady in white, and the time closing in on 4am, i find myself here. two scary movies in one day...the other being the uninvited...and i don't even like scary movies. especially before i sleep alone. i'm a big baby about it, really.

i recorded a cover of "king of wishful thinking" last week. i remember driving down a certain road in raleigh a few years ago thinking that it would be a fun song to learn. i think there are a lot of '80s songs that would make good covers, good acoustic songs played by other artists. however, rascal flatts's version of "life is a highway" is an example of how to make a song worse.

i'm really starting to feel like people have more in common with each other than they might think at first. by "people", i mean everyone. try digging deeper with people. i see it all the time at starbucks. customer walks in. customer appears reserved/distracted/grumpy/etc. a simple "yada yada yada...so, do you have any big plans this weekend?" triggers a conversation, and i find out that this person is going to do such and such and knows some other person who is a friend of my friend. and what i get out of it is the feeling that the world is not so big...as to be afraid of it, anyway.

i almost started this post off by listing all the strange things that women have said to me over the years. but the contents of that list would require too much explanation, and it wouldn't be just a list anymore. one of the strangest things i've heard--and i've heard this several times--is that i'm too nice. it might be true if it can be true. it doesn't really make sense to me. But, i think women want a nice, wild, dependable, bad man. unfortunately, only they know what that means.

in 1994, i had big, gold-framed glasses. that is amazing to me.

i guess it's time to sleep.

2009-06-09T20:31:00.002-05:00

i sit here waiting for hot dogs to thaw. they are rochester dogs. zweigle's: since 1880. "Famous Quality Hot Dogs, Sausages and Meat Products for Over 125 Years!" they say. i think i'll cook them in todd's three philosophers, also a product of NY.

this is an example of lacking transition, moving straight to: my brain jumps madly. professors and theory and editors and peers stress transitioning from paragraph to paragraph. look. i can. but no one's paying me here.

a decent thunderstorm is happening. it did not occur earlier. it is occurring now, just as a recording of 'each coming night' is... well, i suppose the laws of grammar will not allow 'occurring' here. it is streaming to my speakers, to be exact, if non-physical things can stream. but i have to admit that i don't know whether it is physical or not, those waves of substance reaching my computer. are they magnetic? what are they?

Presently.
Proportions.
Presently.
As proportions as presently.
Father and farther.
Was the king or room.
Farther and whether.
Was there was there was there what was there was there what was there was there there was there.
Whether and in there.
As even say so.
(G. Stein)

so the rain pours and i wait for joules to take affect on the unknown processed corners of parts of pork, water, and beef salt.

i'm thinking about poets. poets i have known, poets i've seen, and poets i've read. i wonder if "the ancients," being the older, more dead poets that i enjoy, conformed to the fashions in ways i've seen poets do. are poets trendy like musicians? i wonder who is doing poetry right. who is doing it how it should be done because that is the right way for it to be done. i can think of one or two names, but.

it's not any better to say

it does go on (life)

than

life goes on.

because the idea is a cliche, and people don't want to hear cliches. they don't want to hear them because they don't have to hear them. they already know them. that is why they are cliches. that is one thing that makes poetry so hard these days. divide the entirety of everything into wow and who cares, and it seems that so much falls into the who cares when looked at from the average (american?) perspective. so as a poet, you may find yourself wondering, "who will read this, and will they care..." and i'm not sure you can write good poetry when you are in the position, behind the keyboard or hovering above the page with pen/pencil in hand.

80 degrees is the warmest i can set my AC to. even that feels too cool for me. but without it, it's Cast Away clothing around here.

i think these hot dogs have been frozen since 1880.

growing up. everything becomes a social network of some sort and you are either in the loop or out of the loop. or maybe just a lot or some things or nothing becomes that way. i don't like how skeptical i can be. or how out of the loop i can be.

i didn't shave today.

"i've been down this road before. i walk out the door." i know, joshua. but don't we all have growing up to do?

i paid the USPS $1.00 to change my address. the people upstairs have lead feet, i believe. thunk, thunk, thunk.

i'm in the middle of reading six or seven books. the middle of a book is the safest place for a reader to be, i think.

oh, whatever.

type "joe purdy" on www.pandora.com

2009-06-07T20:53:00.006-05:00

my weekly posting, i guess. thanks to coty and my mom, i'm out of the old walls and into new walls. what does this mean?

means i'm a farmer with 6 pepper plants in my living room. well-potted. well-fed. plants grow.
means really quiet nights. quiet as a shadow.
means painting at 2am if i feel like it.
means existing in underwear if i feel like it.
means sole ownership of: things.
means most of all solitude.

i focus on details at times and love to do so because i'm so oblivious at other times and i realize it later. can the equation be balanced? realize: people don't come over if people are not invited. well. yes, of course. and yet, i sit around for days wondering "where is everybody?"

but really. what got to me today is that i don't remember writing a whole, entire, complete song in about 5 months. i keep trying and all i get are snippets and fragments of ideas. i've been giving up easy. a few verses and a chorus idea, record it real quick. just get it down. like i'm going to have years and years of time to come back to all these things i never finished. or maybe i think it doesn't matter if they get finished any more than they are. i do it for me, and whatever comes is what it is.

but i'm not happy with it.

covered over the "abstract" painting i did, the one she helped fix, sorta. painted a decent plant on it all. i painted over it all with white paint. shows through like things tend to do when they happened and existed before.

there are always possibilities for me. they come and go, and i am always somewhat dependent on the comfort of them being there. even when they disappear like they always have. several of these possibilities have faded lately. it's always the same old "of course" feeling. so here it is again. not that love is ever easy, but i always had a feeling it would be extra hard for me, if it ever really, really happens.

hector was a jalepeno plant. charlie's plant. i've been cat/plant sitting for two weeks now. hector has died. the other seven plants are fine. there are a few possible reasons why hector has passed on. i might have over-watered him. but i think it had more to do with the fact that he was in a starbucks steaming pitcher, which had no drainage. he also had tons of aphid-looking pests on him.

therefore. i went to the farmer's market. i convinced hector el segundo and his friends (habenero and big bertha peppa) to come live with me. four dollars and fifty cents. and i love peppers. i'll tell them about hector when they're old enough to understand.

i realized that ginsberg's "america" (audio) is moderately obscene. it is probably anti-capitalist. it is probably offensive to many people. i think it is one of my favorite poems.

eh. i have three candles. blue, white, and green. the green one is the tallest, for now. i also have several other tea candles. but the three i like are sitting here on the table, burning.

these new walls are on their way to becoming old walls. who knows, torn down in 50 years?

why'd you fill my sorrow with the words you'd borrow from the only place you know? this is not an easy fix. it just isn't.

because love. wants. out. walls walls so thick and always some reason. and then again i find myself, lesson learned and ready to be taught it all over again. she, all the shes ever, may have done me good and then there's the other side of the equation. does it balance? will it ever be overheavy on the good side?

i sigh and let the candles burn however they want to. some things don't accept directions.

and they say the world is small and shrinking? i just don't know about that, They. there are more people. but let's not kid ourselves. nothing is getting easier. the cheat codes are applied, but the game changes. the vaccines are given, and the virus adapts. there really is a big problem here, World.

america this is quite serious.
america this is the impression i get from looking in
the television set.
america is this correct?
i'd better get right down to the job.

type "joe purdy" on www.pandora.com

2009-05-30T22:00:00.001-05:00

for amy: i wish you flowers “of wind and play.”

and exactly after wishing this, turn
to a lamp-lit room where flowers have forgotten
to be.
and in the midst of this, these
sorts of whims and gradients of halogen
and filament--

be still, amy. do be still.

it is here if any ever or never at all
you will feel
these. second's. meanings.

and who is this and what has he done
or claim that he can do?
however:

what you feel in fact i believe you
know this to be true.

be still, amy | still be amy.

2009-05-27T20:26:00.002-05:00

i mispoke a little bit, i did keep the one that you helped me make into something, and your sunset over water. the one that was my attempt at acrylic i plan on covering over with a new painting, if that is possible. the other, i framed and will keep, because i really did like it.

i have an art studio in my new apartment. i spent hours last night constructing a floor cover made of cardboard boxes and table cloths. it should do the trick.

the past couple days have been overwhelmingly empty. i've made a few runs back to the old apt. to pick up the last of the things 'yota the corolla can carry. lately, that place gives me the shivers. i don't know why. it has somehow become a painful place for me to go. i think it is seeing it empty that is doing that to me. but honestly, i have been pretty isolated and emotional the past few days. i've been feeling very insecure, and i have realized again that i hate to be alone.

so this is what i come to the canvas with...these frictions and questions and stares. i listen to pandora internet radio non-stop, all night long. i take my time, hours sometimes, cooking meals. it is like being on thin ice, yet not knowing with whom or for what reason. only weeks ago i laughed in the morning and sang at sunset. now, i just don't know what i'm doing or where i'm going. for me, it was never really about what i do...what goals i have...it was always about enjoying the people around me and the now. i think...

so when i'm on my own, it feels like there is too much space. the underlying issues and the unpacked boxes are cluttering everywhere, but the solitude expands beyond them all and demands a certain resolution.

but i stand wondering in a limbo. i look here...box. i look there...box. if only i could gather up and head out to somewhere else, something else, someone else. it has been an unfair six months, and it i feel like it's exactly what i deserve.

2009-05-25T00:34:00.002-05:00

moving all your stuff to a new apartment by yourself stinks. having all your friends and family in other towns and states also stinks.

picking up wireless internet from your neighbor and listening to internet radio all day does not stink.

2009-05-19T20:11:00.002-05:00

it was a long day of packing and moving, but i still have so much more to do. i'm just glad i started like two weeks early.

made some chili tonight, and found out my roomie chris is going to be moving to colorado to live with his cousin and work on a golf course. he's really excited, and i'm happy for him, too. i think it'll be good for him. he asked me if i want to go, and the conversation i had with a teacher today made me halfway consider it. apparently, this area is not good for teachers right now. i guess i'll have to choose another route or another place. but i'm not worried. life always progresses. not matter what's happening, it can always be seen as an improvement if you're willing to be optimistic and flexible.

it was sort of a hard day today, packing up things. i came across receipts and things from when i first moved into the place, and it of course got me thinking. but chris gave me a good talking to and i picked my head up. it wasn't a what-if thing with me, it was just a looking back over things thing, like looking through a yearbook years after you graduate.

the future is bright for those who see it so.
nc, co, ca, wa, we are all burning on as we go.

...and the border of tomorrow is already racing its way toward us around this globe.

2009-05-18T19:00:00.002-05:00

i'm tempted to say something "bloggish" like: "this is either going to be a short smug post where i say i can't put the past week into words, or the longest post i've ever written, just to do it justice." but maybe there is a middle ground. i do have a lot to write about, and i'm currently trying to process it all and decide what level of detail to set the filter at, like a telescope, or a microscope.

telescopically, it has been an amazing week. i got to see my friend, my bodhisattva from CA, and got to meet his fiance. together they were my good and bad angels on my shoulders. in keeping with tradition, todd, of course, got a tattoo from matt at blue flame. this time is was from the children's book frog and toad. frog and toad are flying a kite on todd's arm now. i even began thinking about what i might get tattooed on me some day. first to my mind was picasso's sketch of don quixote. it's simple, but it is one of my favorite sketches. if i wasn't poor i would probably have it right now. i had another idea, but it slips my mind.

todd desperately wants to move back to nc (from riverside, ca). the night he left, i believe it was him who wrote "not with a bang, but a whimper" on the whiteboard in my apartment. and i knew what he meant. so we spent the week enjoying bar-b-q, visiting with his sister, and trying to convince his fiance that they should move here when they get married. i'm not sure if we succeeded, but i know they had a good time.

and then there was a wedding...

i'm so happy for steph and charlie. i've known them for about 5 years now, and i can't see either of them with anyone else. so obviously, it was a good, happy wedding. things were a little chaotic...being that the photographer was an hour late and we only rehearsed the wedding once... but in the end, it worked :) then we all let our hair down and had fun at the reception. unbelievably, i've gotten a lot of compliments on my dancing that night. i'll just say that i was happy and having a good time, and when you feel that way your dancing reflects it, i guess. todd is still my dancing hero, though. picture tribal dancing with "oh my gosh the world was about to be destroyed my a meteor but something saved us all, let's celebrate" dancing. it is inspiring to watch.

so after a long, enjoyable week, i am now in the process of packing my things. this week i will gradually move to my new place in apex. i will no longer be living in the middle of nowhere and paying $800 to do so. yes, there are bills to catch up on, but i'm so excited. i'm going to put a tarp and cloth down in one section and create an art studio. johana has one, and i have realized that i need one too. that and my "recording studio". i'm finally going to let art have the place in my life that i always wanted it to have. in the words of adele: should i give up or should i just keep chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere? or would it be a waste even if i knew my place? should i leave it there? the point is, would you risk it knowing it might lead to nothing? ....i will.

and the treadmills at the new place are 100 times better. they're wider, have built-in fans, and even a digital display that shows your progression around a "track" as you run. plus, the machines face a mirrored wall, which not only helps you run straight, but also lets you mouth things to yourself like "run faster, fatty." which is fun.

spiritually, i have embarked on a new journey, or maybe a fresh journey. a real journey anyways. i have changed in a lot of ways over the past few years. one way i have changed, especially in the past few months, is that i've become more aware of other religions and views on life. but not just aware, but also interested in. i've met people who have posed serious criticisms not only on christianity, but also on religion in general. and some of these points are not the simple problems that many people cling to in order to avoid religion or justify laziness. certain issues i can see through instantly, whether it is really bitterness, or anger, or doubt. but there are philosophical questions that have brushed my ears, and i think that i need to dig deeper. i'm not afraid to do this. i am confident that if conclusions can be reached, they will build my faith and me as a person. todd once texted me "the answers aren't here, tom, but there is something to be said for the journey." he was referring to another issue i was dealing with, but it still applies. life is a journey.

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ps: i had never loved anyone as much as i loved you. i made mistakes, i know...but what happened is in the past. then and now, i only want the best for you. i hope that you understand that. you know that i am always willing to forgive and forget, as i hope you forgive me for all my stupid blunders. i hope that you are truly happy with him and that things are going well for you. i do read your blog occasionally, to see how you're doing. i'm glad to see things are improving for you. ...you haven't lost this friend, kaylie. be happy. i am.

2009-05-11T18:56:00.002-05:00

came across a reason, and the reason brought thank God figuratively or literally that there was a divergence of paths when there was. there was, there was and it is seen clearly now as a thank God because the pond is after all small and the swim is short after all. not to bait or wish baited lines in any direction, but only to thank God. it is seen now it that was was and it is as it should be. stamped as a sad or anything pattern as it is, it is, is, is. thank God.
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almost didn't go run today. todd's coming from CA, staying with me, and i have a lot to do. tonight will be busy, and i was thinking ... eh ... maybe i should forget this week and pick up next week. but i knew this was an excuse, and i wanted to kick myself for trying to start excuses. excuses are why i am where i am and not where i want to be. so i went running, and now i feel good. well, better at least. or just better about myself, because i'm really tired. still saying no to the coffee after all, and it makes me feel like a whole person somehow. although sometimes i feel like i'm subconsciously trying to prove something to someone who doesn't care, or becoming self-righteous about a stupid thing. yes, my mind is that messy.
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i'm right here and i'm all over the place. my best friends are marrying each other this weekend. i am at the same time wondering what will change and also feeling that not much will change. i dunno. but i know they are good people and great for each other. they will be together when i am walking with a cane and reading neruda out loud by myself in the streets. all my friends are getting married....almost literally. it has produce a strange effect in me. i see myself stepping out like i've never done before. it's obvious, i suppose...everyone is living their lives, going in their directions, and i am faced with my own fundamental questions and itineraries. and i think i'm doing ok with it. i don't think i'm rushing off in mad directions, yet i'm working through things earnestly. ok, narcissism.
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off to work on a birthday surprise for someone. :)

2009-05-08T18:27:00.002-05:00

ran 3 miles yesterday. ran 3 miles today. paid my last rent at this apartment (late). money is so tight these days...too many bills coming at once. but it will work out, and soon it will get much easier.

i threw away her paintings today, straight into the dumpster with some other trash. also, threw out the now-rotten flower that has been sitting in the corner of my bedroom for about a year. it was a day of swift goodbyes to things i have lost attachment to, which would be sad if i thought about it.

but there's too much else to think about these days. i realized that these runs i've been doing are tiny little efforts in comparison to where i want to be. i push myself, and at the end of the day i know that i still have far to go. it is a living symbol.

it is my friend's birthday today. i'm planning something special for her, though i haven't known her very long. it's going to take me all day tomorrow, and maybe sunday too. i tend to get very wrapped up in gifts for other people (when i have the ability to). this one might be a sink-or-swim effort. we'll see.

talked to my mom today. that was good. i need to talk to my family more. i'm probably self-absorbed a lot of the time. there should be more of a balance between living my life, taking care of myself, and being there for my family and friends. put that on my list of self-improvemnts. :-P

4 miles

2009-05-05T18:03:00.006-05:00

i tricked my body into running 4 miles today, and it gave me a new perspective on running. i had been planning on stepping my workout runs back to 2 miles, but for the past two weeks i've been doing 3.1-mile runs on Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Fri. [side note: i find it easier to run when focusing on the length of time i'm running rather than on the distance.] today, i kept the speed between 6.5 and 7 mph. [side note: music helps too.] so i ran my usual 3.1 in 27 minutes. then, i paused the treadmill, stretched a little, then got back on and ran another mile. A HA! me fool you, legs.

it was during that last mile that i ran today that i realized that i could keep going for more miles. i realized that back in the days (haha, i kid, i kid) of running 2 miles, i was really only in the beginning of my running potential. it is very much like getting up to speed in a train. the beginning may be sluggish, but eventually you gain momentum, and it actually gets easier to step step step step step....

it was a beautiful and encouraging moment for me. and just as i reached mile 4, this verse of the song i was listening to came on:

Are you crawling through the dismal?
Gray of nothing,
frostbite kills.
Does this world make light of weaving,
shrouds to bury,
graves to fill?
I am just a kindred spirit,
a runner who is running still.
Welcome to the longest mile,
the most costly thing you'll ever hold,
wonderful is the journey,
the greatest story ever told.

thanks, reese roper.

ps. my life is getting different and better, and i like it.

2009-05-04T17:56:00.002-05:00

empieza. to be moved, one location adjusted by distance to a new existence. music take me afuera while these things, they bring me to you. and if i stand dancing in the grass, and if my feet move only inches, estas cosas me acercan a ti. it was the great ice heist of 2009 and yes we did make off with billions of frozen molecules, which show me the more i think the more i see our human limitations--all the things we will never count or know or think. life has always been our deepest drink from a fire hose. there are, by the way, so many things that i mean to get my hands into, to dirty my hands with knowledge and understanding of the great ad infinitum with all its everythings and voids. es posible no tener ninguna personalidad? she seems to believe that una mariposa or a firwork night explosion are not these things because they change and become others. but these things are these things anyways. this is what they do, and here is what we will do. empieza.

adonde vamos?

2009-04-30T16:39:00.003-05:00

heading to pilot mountain this weekend for a no-longer-surprise bachelor party (thanks Abe :-P) for Charlie. should be a good time. lots of loud tunes, guitar playing, maybe some mountain climbing. oh, and throw in a few of steph's famous pies, which charlie has a tendency to eat in the middle of the night while everyone else is asleep. we'd better watch him closely.

i lost my driver's license at the kings of leon concert. i thought that the will call ticket booth had failed to give it back to me, but i guess i dropped it somewhere, because someone mailed it to my parents, which i'm both amazed by and thankful for. maybe i should cave in and use a wallet instead of just shoving everything in my back pocket?

yesterday, i was craving a good workout. i mean craving it. i wanted to be on the treadmill, running to music. but it was my day off from the gym, so i refrained. now, today, it is a workout day (i run Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Friday), and i'm feeling a little less motivated. but nevertheless, it's time to go. i know that once i get into my workout clothes and throw on my ipod, i'll be good to go. "it's like a switch..."

i've been inspired to paint by a local painter. no one who (might) read this would know her, but she is the most talented painter i've ever met, and has never taken an art class. it blows my mind, and, honestly, makes me a little jealous. but i also believe that everyone can improve when effort is made to get better at something. so that's what i'm going to do.

just one more month and i'll be out of this apartment. my west coast friend has invited me to spend a few weeks with him, and i'm seriously considering it. everything feels so chance-of-a-lifetime lately. i love it.

tom passaro, equally empty, equally to be loved, equally becoming patient and complete.

2009-04-29T20:42:00.004-05:00

kings of leon concert was amazing. the opening band, the walkmen, were pretty good, except they all looked uninterested in the fact that they were playing for a sizable crowd. i believe the lead singer was filing his nails at one point. but the music was good. then kol came on, and there was much rejoicing. and dancing. it was indeed a good time.

work was hard to get through. the first couple hours were easy, for some reason. then, i just had to keep moving or i'd start really slowing down. but i told myself that if i made it through work without coffee, i truly had given it up. and i did. and i have. i drank lots of water, and i felt fine. and it wasn't until a customer asked me about it that i realized that i haven't even had any caffeine headaches.

i'm being interrupted by conversation...

2009-04-28T15:52:00.001-05:00

tonight, kings of leon con mi nueva amiga. tomorrow, opening at starbucks. it's going to be a long and short night.

2009-04-25T21:26:00.002-05:00

one week, one day, and counting. no coffee. my life feels delicious. ran a treadmill 5k. other things that are blowing my mind and heart to happy pieces are in the works. brevity and patience.