Yonked :: Diary of a New Home

A long life filled with sorrow, hardship, and frustration.

2009-06-30T07:11:00.004-04:00

I'm sorry to say that my son is in for a long life of hardship, sorrow,and frustration.

And I can't do a thing about it.

You see, my son is more than likely going to be a Cubs fan.

His grandfather, his uncle, his great uncle, his cousins, and even sometimes his mom are all Cubs fans. And not just regular crazy Cubs fans. I'm talking dyed in the wool, wears Cubs underwear, watches every pitch, bought a house near the field so you can walk to the games kind of Cubs fans. And you know what that means.

Sorrow. Hardship. Frustration. (you can almost see it on his face now. Or is that spinach?)

His grampus gave him a cubs hat, and while we didn't go to a game, or watch one on TV (I'm trying to limit the amount of tragedy that enters my household) I thought he could practice watching a cubs game.

I've attached the slide show below, but if that doesn't work, try this url (you'll also get my super observant titles of photographs if you visit the link)

http://bit.ly/aaron_the_cubbie

Granny's Cats

2009-06-19T20:59:00.002-04:00

I've been following a new site http://www.oldjewstellingjokes.com; which is EXACTLY what it sounds like-- video of older Jews telling jokes-- the setup is great, the idea is great, and as one of my facebook friends remarked recently "The link is gold!"

They recently asked people to contribute jokes that they've heard older Jews tell-- so I contributed a couple of stories about my Granny...

You can read that contribution on their website here: or if you read it below, you also get to see a picture of my Granny!

Enjoy-- and if you have any stories or old jokes, either send them to the website listed above, or post them in the comments!

=====================================

Granny's Cats

My Granny was born December 31, 1900 and passed away December 24, 2004. She had an eighth grade education, and in 1938 her husband left her and her three children, disappearing for parts unknown. My dad was a year old at the time.

Granny started a jewelry stringing business (called Woodman’s, which was her sister’s husbands name — she felt that Gertsacov was far too ethnic) and did jewelry work well into her 90’s. Her brand of expertise in pearl stringing was legendary, and some of the finest jewelry shops still sent their most precious stuff to her. Jewelry stringing is a lost art. She strung the pearls of many society ladies, politicians’ wives, and gangsters’ molls — she did them all.

Granny always came off as kind of a hard person. She lived a hard life through the Depression, but she loved several jokes that she told and re-told through the years. She liked these because they were clever, had word-play, and you had to understand in order to get it. She didn’t like slapstick and physical comedy that much, which is kind of surprising, since I ended up as a professional clown and performer. She saw me perform several times, and always said “Marvelous, Marvelous.” But I don’t think she ever really loved it. Ah well.

Here are a couple of her favorites: (some of them are more along the lines of a little routine she would do. She was a woman of routines.)

About a person who was a chatterbox: “She is a woman of VERY FEW WORDS.”

On getting into a car to go home: “Home, James, and don’t spare the Hosses.”

If you were feeling ill: “You’ve got to go home and get into bed with a nurse.”

And this was probably her favorite joke:

I know a woman who sleeps with cats.
Now ask me who it is.

(the person asks, who is it?)

Mrs. Katz!

(pause)

and sometimes Mrs. Nussbaum.

Aaron and the Bumbo

2009-06-17T22:09:00.003-04:00

Well, it looks like Aaron may have outgrown the bumbo seat-- here's his successful escape attempt using pluck, derring do, and a little bit of luck. It's about 1.5 minutes long

Urban baby

2009-06-08T16:07:00.002-04:00

We went to a friend's house on Saturday for a barbecue in NJ. It was very nice, it was very suburban, and the people were incredibly nice.

Aaron had a great time hanging around with the people who smiled at him, eating lots of goodies and treats, and playing with the two dogs of the house.

The one thing he didn't like was sitting on the grass.

We realized that it was his first exposure to grass (HEY, before you call Protective services on us, we live in an urban, non nice grass environment-- and he's a September baby, meaning it's been pretty cold for most of the time he's been alive) Anyway, sitting on the grass made him pretty uncomfortable and more than a little crybaby-ish) Not sure if he was frightened of bugs, didn't like the tickly feeling, or just prefers the concrete.

He'll have plenty of grass time over the next few months to figure it out and grow to love the green.

An architectural survey of Yonkers buildings

2009-05-26T16:56:00.003-04:00

This is a really interesting and exciting project, if it gets off the ground.

from lohud.com

Historians preparing architectural survey of Yonkers buildings

By Ernie Garcia • elgarcia@lohud.com • May 26, 2009

YONKERS - Two historians are preparing an inventory of the city's homes and buildings to identify historic or architectural landmarks.

The representatives from TKS Historic Resources of Babylon, N.Y., are poring over maps in the city's Planning Department and developing paperwork they will use to categorize and describe homes, buildings and neighborhoods.

The city hired the company to produce the survey for the Landmarks Preservation Board, which would use the information to consider landmark applications.

The landmarks board also needs an updated survey of old structures so it can make informed decisions on demolition permits it must review.

In July, Mayor Phil Amicone issued an executive order requiring that all buildings over 75 years old be reviewed for landmark protection before they can be razed.

Yonkers has a partial inventory of vintage buildings. A survey in 1980-81 was incomplete because the project ran out of funding.

Other surveys have been done of neighborhoods where residents have proposed historic districts, but some older areas of the city have remained unexamined.

The current survey's budget is limited to $50,000, so the landmarks board will have to decide which parts of the city most urgently need review.

Sarah Bean Apmann and Karen A. Kennedy of TKS told the landmarks board at a meeting May 18 that they will focus their survey on structures built before 1935.

The process will take about a year. The TKS team plans to return to the landmarks board in July or August to give a final presentation on how the survey will proceed. At that time, the landmarks board is expected to tell Apmann and Kennedy where in the city they should begin their survey.

Just a little advertisement

2009-05-11T08:48:00.002-04:00

Amazon is having an amazing deal-- if you go to Amazon and create a baby registry, you'll be entered to win a sweepstakes every month for $3000 worth of baby stuff, including a year of diapers. There's no purchase necessary, and you probably want a lot of stuff that Amazon is going to have anyway.

Create an Amazon Baby Registry

Details about my son

2009-04-20T22:02:00.004-04:00

His nose is as long as the second joint on my index finger.

His thumb is as long as the first joint on my thumb.

It looks like he's going to have fairly stocky fingers, particularly his thumbs. Probably not a virtuoso piano player.

His toes look like mine, not Adam's. At least that's one thing he got from me. Oh, that and the long eyelashes.

His whiny-cry and his laugh can sometimes sound similar. His aunts and his nanny can't always tell the difference. But his mommy always can.

When he first started eating solids he really favored holding food with his left hand, much to his daddy's delight. Now he's an equal opportunity grabber/stuffer. We'll see what happens.

He has enough hair now that when I kiss the back of his neck now I'm kissing hair, instead of skin. And I can run my fingers through the hair on top of his head.

Sometimes I look at him and can imagine him at 3. Or 6. But more often I hold him and wish I could hold him, just like he is, forever.

The windswept yard

2009-04-19T22:02:00.004-04:00

One of the things that has plagued our house since day one is the trash in our yard. We're on the corner so we have a lot of frontage, our side street (the longer stretch) is slightly downhill, and we're also in, as dear readers know, a neighborhood where there, ahem, doesn't seem to be a lot of neighborhood pride. (I'm trying to be nice here.)

So the net effect is that our yard, and especially the grass on either side of our (now three-year-old) sidewalk (outside of our decrepit fence), is constantly filled with trash. Adam insists it's worse because we're downhill and trash just blows down the street into our yard, but I'm not willing to give our neighbors that much credit. Sometimes it's just a cigarette butt here and there, but more often it's full-blown trash: potato chip bags, White Castle cartons (as most of you know, we live in the shadow of the White Castle....which will be the title of Adam's memoir), gum wrappers, bottle tops, and cans. And lots and lots of dog poop. Yucch.

As this was an exceptionally beautiful weekend (finally), Adam and I got outside yesterday to try and start to tame some of the mess. Aaron came with us and sat in his stroller (sun shade up of course). We made fair progress on the back half of the yard and the area around the garage, but it will take another major effort to do the front part, which is worse because it's weedier and on a more trafficked street.

Adam has been talking to fence installers and we're hoping to have a new fence up soon, which may help somewhat since the decrepit fence is awkwardly standing against a hill of stone and grass sloping down from the backyard area, which is most often where trash gets trapped. So when we have the new fence installed we'll have to either grade the hill down or add sod and grass to where the new fence will be. Yet another decision, yet another expense, yet another house story to be told.

I'll add to the photo baby madness

2009-04-17T09:52:00.006-04:00

It's true, we haven't been posting as much as we should-- and facebook is taking its toll, as well as a certain bear to remain nameless. I've done my small part, but it gets hard to maintain a personal blog, or a home blog, because so much of what you are thinking about is embroiled in everyday life, and after you've solved those problems in real life, do you really want to relive them by writing them down?

Here's something I've been thinking about.

People are always asking me "So how is it to be a dad?"

Overall, I'd have to say, it's great. The fears I had of fatherhood, mostly irrational (not loving the baby, a large fear of poop, fear that I would abandon the family as my paternal grandfather did to my grandmother, my dad, and his two siblings in 1938) are no longer fears at all (although I'm not particularly fond of the poop mind you) I recognize those now as irrational. I have a whole new set of irrational fears, of course (which I'd prefer not to share at the present time)

One of the downsides is that I'm not nearly as productive as I'd like to be from a small business/clown/theatrical producer point of view, now that I'm a part-time stay at home dad. (Truth be told, I wasn't all that efficient with my time when I didn't have this 5-7 hours a day unpaid parenting gig-- and it may be hard to imagine, but productivity has gone down! On the plus side, procrastination numbers have held steady!)

But as a number of people told me when I started on this journey-- even though it's hard and you'll want to complain about it and it will drive you insane and nuts and wear you down more than it seems possible, it's still something you won't ever want to trade.

So I get less gigs, so be it.

He's very funny, and has a great sense of humor, and sometimes I just laugh and smile for no reason when I see him.

I suppose there's a reason, actually; he is my son, and I love him to pieces!

His laugh is really infectious-- here he is laughing from being tickled-- but sometimes he just laughs without being tickled. Sometimes it's something I do (he loves the doubletake-- and it's amazing how much my clown stuff works even at his young age)

Sometimes he laughs for no reason whatsoever! And that is a also a real pleasure.

I'm thinking about adding his laugh as my ringtone....

Back to the blog

2009-04-14T21:52:00.003-04:00

It's so embarrassing that we've been almost completely post-less since Aaron was born. I guess I didn't realize that we actually have non-family reading the blog - it took a friend from our synagogue (yes, you!) to remind me that we actually did have blog readers, once upon a time, and that some of them actually checked it out without prompting...when there was new stuff to read, of course. And lately there's been nothing.

I could say that we've been a bit busy, which would be dramatically understated and also totally lame. And I could say that we've both been sort of obsessed with both Twitter and Facebook of late, which leaves less time to blog, which is true but also lame.

So I'm going to make a real effort to blog more frequently. I won't make any promises about how often, but I'm going to try. Really.

For now, here are a few recent pictures of our little bear. Because we know you all want to see him. Isn't he delightful? We're really enjoying him.

In Yonkers, this happens all the time!

2009-03-16T12:17:00.001-04:00

Yonkers Woman Shot by Errant Arrow on Riverdale Street
full article and audio

NEW YORK (AP/1010 WINS) -- A 51-year-old Yonkers woman remained hospitalized Monday after she was shot in the stomach by a 30-inch arrow while getting out of her car in Riverdale over the weekend.

Denise Delgado-Brown was hit by the arrow around 2 p.m. on Independence Avenue near the Frances Schervier Nursing Care Center in Riverdale, authorities said.

"I thought that maybe somebody had hit me with a baseball or something," said Delgado-Brown. "It was a black arrow with yellow feathers on the end...I started screaming."

Delgado-Brown, who had just dropped off some friends at the assisted living residence, was just getting out of her car when the arrow hit her, police said.

She was rushed to St. Barnabas Hospital, and underwent two hour emergency surgery to remove the arrow from her abdomen.

Police do not think Brown was the intended target of the shooting and say the fiberglass arrow with yellow feathers is the type used for practice or hunting.

Published reports indicate the arrow was facing downward when it struck Delgado-Brown, leading police to believe it was descending after being fired high into the air. The arrow had a rounded-metal tip, which also suggests it was being used for practice, police said.

Despite a helicopter search of the area immediately following the shooting, no arrests have been made.

Ballet Verite- March 9 & 10 (NY)

2009-03-05T18:50:00.001-05:00

My brother has some choreography going on in the city, and I'm helping him promote it.

BALLET VERITE
Ballet Vérité, is a new dance company under the artistic direction of Sara Gerstein and Seth Gertsacov that creates and presents work for the 21st century.

Their first piece, entitled Ballet Vérité, will be presented at the Baryshnikov Arts Center, 450 West 37th St NY, NY on the following dates:

March 9 @ 8 pm
March 10 @ 2pm- SOLD OUT!!!!
March 10 @ 8pm

Tickets are $25 and are available online at http://www.balletverite.com

You can also read a great interview/blogpost about the choreography process here.

Hope to see you at the show! (I'll be there Monday night!)

CARING FOR LOVED ONE'S - A JEWISH PERSPECTIVE

2009-02-15T12:02:00.002-05:00

Our synagogue is co-sponsoring a local conference on Ailing Loved One's, and we are helping them promote it. If you are interested, please visit the website listed below for full details.

Congregation Tehillah and The Academy for Jewish Religion, Riverdale, New York
are pleased to present:
Caring for Those We Love: A Jewish Perspective
A one-day conference designed for families and individuals caring for ailing loved ones

The people we love are not supposed to get sick, except they sometimes do. Caring for them should not be scary or lonely or painful. Except it often is. Within the frenzied pace of life, where do we find the time… and the space… to care for ourselves while taking care of others?

Join us on Sunday March 15, 2009 as we tackle these and other difficult questions we face in caring for our loved ones:
How do we protect our loved one’s dignity once they are ill?
How do we ensure that their wishes are respected?
How do we project into the future when we may be the ones in need of care?
Where do we find answers — to issues of health, law, religion, spirituality?
What practical things should we know?
Where do we draw resources and strength?
What are the questions we don’t even know to ask?

WHEN: Sunday, March 15, 2009 9:30 am – 4:30 pm
WHERE: The Academy for Jewish Religion,
on the campus of The College of Mount St. Vincent
Main Hall, 4th floor (6301 Riverdale Avenue at W. 263rd Street)
Riverdale (Bronx), New York 10471
COST:
$36 Tehillah & AJR Members
$45 All others
$54 DAY OF EVENT (IF AVAILABLE)

A kosher lunch, snacks, and beverages throughout the day, relevant materials distributed by presenters, and the event’s culminating healing service, are included with the registration fee

MORE INFO: Call (718) 884-4839, extension 8 for information and registration
or visit the Congregation Tehillah Website

The Outside of the House

2009-02-08T18:26:00.004-05:00

So we are finally getting ready to start thinking about the outside of the house, and just in time.

The gutters have fallen off one side of the house, there are lots of little nicks and holes all over the house, the paint has come off, there are lots of cracks in the current/board siding, and even some of the siding is coming down. All that stuff is not going to fix itself.

We've had three (well, four people come out) to give us quotes on fibre cement and also on vinyl siding. Nearly everybody that we've talked to has said that vinyl siding is the way to go. Cheaper, easier to install, and easier to maintain. Not quite convinced yet, but based on the quotes so far that's the way we might have to go.

So far we can't quite afford ANY of the quotes (well, we got one that was 10K cheaper than two of the other guys, but we didn't actually meet him. He blew off the appointment, and then sent an email saying "I couldn't find a place to park, and I have a bum leg" and then proceeded to give us a quote WITHOUT ASKING US WHAT WE WANT. From my perspective, that guy could PAY US to side the house, and we still wouldn't go with him.

We're still waiting on one quote, and meanwhile we have to have a serious look at our finances and see how in the hell we can afford this.

We can't afford to not protect the house, but we can't afford to protect it either.

Anybody out there done vinyl siding? Anything to watch out for?

FW: I Lego NYC : In what's probably the greatest thing...

2009-02-03T18:18:00.002-05:00

Thanks to Curbed.com for this...

I Lego NYC : In what's probably the greatest thing...

via Curbed by Lockhart on 2/3/09

In what's probably the greatest thing you'll see on the internet this week, artist/illustrator Christoph Niemann writes, "During the cold and dark Berlin winter days, I spend a lot of time with my boys in their room. And as I look at the toys scattered on the floor, my mind inevitably wanders back to New York." The results, crafted in Lego, are small pieces of genius. [Abstract City]

Yonkers Joe Trailer & interviews

2008-12-01T22:57:00.002-05:00

YONKERS JOE is an exciting, high-stakes con film and moving family drama written and directed by Robert Celestino, and starring Academy Award-nominee Chazz Palminteri, Academy Award-winner Christine Lahti, Tom Guiry (THE BLACK DONNELLYS), Golden Globe-nominee Linus Roache, and Academy Award-nominee Michael Lerner. An ode to old time gamblers, now outdated in an age of powerful upscale casinos, YONKERS JOE tells the story of a dice hustler (Palminteri) whose determination to make one last grab for a big score in Vegas is complicated by the reappearance of his estranged, mentally challenged son into his life.

Director:Robert Celestino
Cast:Chazz Palminteri, Tom Guiry, Christine Lahti, Michael Lerner
Opens January 9, 2009

TRAILER:

TRAILER WITH INTERVIEWS (FROM TRIBECA FILM FESTIVAL)

Thanksgiving: leftovers, unheated, Black Friday

2008-11-28T08:27:00.004-05:00

Thanksgiving dinner was of course delicious. Turkey (done the dry salted way, not the brine) which was very good, squash soup, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, salad, green beans, home made cherry pie, home made apple pie, and a bunch of other stuff.

I got calls from all my brothers, and we Skyped with Stephanie's dad and family, which was a lot of fun-- it's amazing how cool Skype is.

Over all it was a very nice family day, although a little sad as my mom wasn't there to share it with us. First thanksgiving without her.

We woke up this morning full and happy and cold. It turns out that our boiler decided to take the night off. Very cold. Fortunately, we have a contract, and the Oil guy came and replaced the transformer (the boiler and fan are the one part of our hvac system we haven't replaced yet. Well, the oil tank too. Hopefully our contract will allow them to slowly replace the entire boiler as it fails one piece at a time. (although I expect that at some point we'll have to pony up for a new boiler and fan)

Today-- I'm working and everybody here will go out shopping for various things. Black Friday!

Why is it so hard to blog with a baby crying on your shoulder?

2008-11-26T18:20:00.002-05:00

I admit that we've been very derelict in our blogging. I could say that's because we are spending all of our time taking care of the baby, but that's not 100% true. Most of the time we are staring at the baby and wondering how in the world it is possible that we made something that cute? The rest of the time we are photographing him-- usually the same picture of him asleep or smiling at us.

We've had some good travel with him now, (down to RI a couple of times, went to Chicago on a plane!) and he's overall like a dream baby. He does have some crankiness (usually between 4pm and 6pm, and a little bit of gastric distress (which is apparently quite normal for a baby such as himself.)

Overall we are too busy loving him to pieces to actually write about him-- or our house, the fence that we haven't put in, the dogs that continue to poop on our lawn/sidewalk/whatever, and our new large-screen tv that is mounted on the wall (right now the major problem is that you can see it when it's on from outside (there's a window on the stairway almost directly across) We need to put some kind of curtain on it-- but the molding on the inside isn't really designed for a curtain.

We promise that we will eventually be more punctual in our updating.

In the meantime Happy Thanksgiving, and enjoy these two Halloween photos. Yes he went as a cow.

THE THREE OF US:

SUPERMOM & HEIFERBOY: MAKING MILK TO SAVE AMERICA!

Towing Defenses

2008-11-07T05:09:00.001-05:00

I haven't actually been towed from either of these lots, but I've been on the shady side a few times-- glad to hear there's some defense for scofflaws such as myself!

Of course, when people park in my driveway (not in front of my driveway-- IN MY DRIVEWAY) I have a different tune. The law is different in YONKERS! (or to paraphrase the comedian Mel Brooks: "When I stub my toe it's a tragedy. When you fall in a manhole and die, that's comedy." )

From the Riverdale Press:

Towed from that lot? Law may be on your side

By Megan James

Throughout the summer and early fall, plenty of area residents learned the hard way not to park in the Key Food lot, on Johnson Avenue, or the Staples lot, on Broadway, unless they planned to shop exclusively in the stores in those centers.

But many are still making the mistake: running across the street to an ATM or to pick something up at another store, only to return minutes later to find their vehicles have been towed. At a recent Community Board 8 traffic and transportation committee meeting, Saul Scheinbach presented a new defense for drivers frustrated by the tow trucks' quick hook at area lots.

"People aren't aware that the law is on their side," he said.

According to New York City Adminstrative Code, tow operators cannot remove vehicles without written authorization from the property owner for each vehicle towed. That authorization must include the location, make, model, color and license plate number of each vehicle the company tows.

Jay Holtz, the manager at Dyckman Realty, the company that manages the Key Food lot, could not confirm whether the owner of that property has given written permission every time Riverdale Towing & Collision removes a vehicle.

Additionally, if the owner of a car about to be towed arrives at the scene before the tow truck has taken it away, the tow company is obligated to disconnect the car and let the owner remove it from the premises, charging a service fee of no more than half the regular towing charge.

"If you see them towing your car and you call them over, they have to stop," Mr. Scheinbach said. "I've seen people screaming at the tow truck driver and they just drive away."

Property owners are required to post a sign with the name, address and telephone number of the tow operator, the hours of operation for vehicle redemption and towing and storage fees, and the tow company must call the local precinct within 30 minutes of the vehicle's arrival at a storage facility.

According to the city Department of Consumer Affairs, if a vehicle is removed from private property in violation of this section of the code, there is no charge to the owner of the vehicle and the violator is liable for all costs of removal and storage or any damage resulting from the tow.

"While the law does not specifically say if it is the tow company or the landlord that is liable, it is the tow company that must obtain written authorization to tow the vehicle," said the department's spokeswoman, Beth Miller. "If the tow company does not obtain the proper written authorization, they are in violation of the law."

Way behind

2008-10-30T12:18:00.003-04:00

We're so far behind on blogging I don't know if we can catch up. Aaron will turn two months this Sunday and he's gotten so big; he's very active and alert and a fabulous traveler (we just got back from 8 days in Chicago, and have also traveled overnight to Rhinebeck and Providence). I will post more about our boy soon, promise.

For now, just wanted to point out an amazing resemblance between Adam and a muppet, courtesy of the cool new Muppet Workshop.

BTW, Aaron looks like a tiny infant version of this. No bowtie yet, though.

Certainties: death and wasteful spending

2008-09-23T08:56:00.001-04:00

This appeared in today's lohud as a letter to the editor-- I thought it was so good, I had to post it, even though it is only tangentially related to our blog.

Great line: "Yonkers, the city of hills where nothing is on the level."

http://lohud.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080923/OPINION/809230316/-1/newsfront

Certainties: death and wasteful spending

Wow. Yonkers' more than 1,000 city vehicles used approximately 557,000 gallons of fuel at approximately $1.2 million last year. Amazingly, the city claims it has no record of how the 144 take-home cars are used. What are the insurance costs for these cars? Are they given EZ Passes? What are the maintenance costs? What other expenditures doesn't the city have records for?

I remember years ago people spoke of our city as "Yonkers, the city of hills where nothing is on the level." That not only described the geographical features, but it also described the city politics.

This year, my city property taxes increased $803 (and county taxes 24 percent). If the waste and incompetency in government were corrected, our taxes would be more reasonable.

I always try to find a "bright side." Well, for me, it's that I'm 85 with a probable five winters to go. Soon this will be over for me. I hope to get to that "finish line" before I run out of money. Many in my position wish the same.

What would be nice - if I die a pauper - that the city use one of its take-home cars to take my body home to St. Joseph's Cemetery. Why not? Nobody's keeping tabs. Hey, it will be our little secret. I certainly won't tell anyone.

Cass Cetnarowski

Yonkers

The Ordeal is Over (And Now the Adventure Begins!)

2008-09-04T21:21:00.002-04:00

I am happy to report that there is a new star in the Gertsacov Circus!

Aaron Kyle Gertsacov was born at 7:08 pm on Tuesday 9/2/08

Tuesday's child, full of grace

And here's the OTHER famous things that happened on Sept. 2.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/September_2

Most notably, it's a German national Holiday! Sedantag!

He was (as Shakespeare says) Untimely ripped from his mother's womb-- although I would like to point out that the ripping was more than timely, as a delay may have been very poorly timed for everybody involved.)

Here's the scoop:

At 4 am on 9/2 S went into pretty serious labor. After about 4-5 hours of searing pain at 11 minute and shorter intervals, and timing contractions, We called our doctor, who said don't go into the hospital, come into the office. As we prepared to do that, (shower, leg-shaving, etc) the contractions got more serious-- we decided to go directly to the hospital.

Do not pass GO.

Do not collect $200.

We'd actually been there the night before, thinking we were ready, but they sent us home. It was Quiet there-- when we asked them if it was always this quiet at night, they asked us not to use the Q word.

S. was not ready, and they sent us home.

This time not Q at all. We waited about 90 minutes in the waiting room (of 6 minute contractions) before we got a bed in triage, and then in triage for awhile before we got admitted. (although we already had a 7 pm induction appointment)

At around 6:30, S was about 6-7 centimeters dilated, and it looked like we were going to be able to have a vaginal childbirth. They gave her the epidural, but that made the baby's heartbeat crash-- and they didn't like the way the baby's heartbeat was recovering after every contraction-- so they converted to a C section.

We didn't know it was going to happen, but there were suddenly about 50 doctors in our room checking stuff, (probably about 6, but they just popped up suddenly, and everybody started to go to work at once, prodding S, and trying to figure out what's going on.

At 6:45 that decision was made-- she got put in an operating room, I got dressed in greens that BARELY fit, and went in.

They tell you not to look over the curtain and I didn't.

I sat with S who was very brave and held her hand-- suddenly we heard a crying, and somebody said "It's a boy!"

And then it was congratulations all around. I went over to watch them prep and clean the baby and take lots of photos, and watch S as they sewed her up-- it took forever for them to finish.

The baby was incredibly cute and beautiful (I guess I'm as sappy as any non-sappy person can be) and S was simply glowing. I was elated!

I did look over from where the baby was, and didn't see S's guts lined up on a table, but did see a very large steel bucket full of blood. Yikes!

Everybody is doing great, baby and mom. And the Dad is just along for the ride.

Although clown routines about changing poop-filled diapers can not be far behind.

Aaron Kyle Gertsacov
6lbs 11 oz.
19.25 inches
blonde hair
blue eyes.

As Stan Lee would say,
Excelsior! (which is Latin for onward and upward, and forward, and used to appear at the end of every Marvel comic letter section. What can I say, I'm a comic book geek guy. And probably, my son will be one too.

Oh my god, I have a son!

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet...

2008-08-26T10:00:00.003-04:00

People ask us these questions (usually in this order)

Do you know what you are having?
Have you selected names?
What are they?
Why won't you tell me the names?

(and then they generally proceed to suggest their own names (sometimes, literally, their own name)

After that, the next question is-- will you circumcise if it's a boy?
In the hospital?

Here are the answers (mostly in order)
NO.
MOSTLY.
NOT TELLING.
BECAUSE.
WE'RE JEWISH.
AT HOME.

And in case you were wondering, here are a list of 52 names we have 98% ruled out:

AGAMEMNON ARIADNE
BRADFORD BERNICE
CUTHBERT CARPATHIA
DARIO (sadly) DEMETER
EGBERT ERNESTINA
FRANCESCO FLAMINIA
GERARD GRETEL
HUBERT HEATHER
INDIGO INDIA
JEEVES JERMAINE
KUNTA KINTE KRIMEFIGHTER
LAVAUGHN LAVENDER
MARIO MOON UNIT
NIXON NINE
OTTO (sadly) OCTAVIA
PRINCE (or any rep. symbols) PLATYPUS
QUENTIN QUERRELLE
RAYMUNDO RAVINIA
SATCHEL SHANEEKWAH
TRAVERS TILDA
URANUS URETHRA
VINCENZO VANEESHA
WALKER WILHELMINA
XERXES XENA
YOUNG YELLOW
ZEBADIAH ZEE

Many other names are also not on the table, but I leave it for your overactive imaginations to conjure.
And the middle names that we have ruled out... well, it just boggles the mind!

If we must continue to wait for the baby, we might have to scrap our names entirely and just go with Godot.

The unwanted visitor, or something stinks in the state of Yonkers

2008-08-23T08:02:00.005-04:00

Thursday was a harrowing day for me-- less so for Stephanie, so the answer is no, we did not have a wanted visitor arrive on Thursday. She is still pregnant (at least as of Saturday morning) Instead this is a story of how we had an unwanted visitor.

This is a long story, so get settled now-- get a drink, sit in your comfortable chair, and get ready to read.

Let me preface this by saying that we bought the house in part because of our garage. It's a gigantic 700 square foot structure with 3 wooden sliding barn doors that are approximately 7 ft long by 12 feet tall. One of the doors has a little utility door through which you walk, and it's just a cool old building.

When we were looking at the house and we looked at the garage for the first time, I was like "Wow! We'll take it!" I imagined it as a really cool clown studio that served the same function as the loft that I was leaving-- a repository for my stuff, a place to rehearse, and a "place of my own"-- ie, a private den in which I would (I thought) retreat to when I needed some private time. Having lived by myself for most of my life, I thought I would need that, and I had grandiose plans for how to achieve that place. My loft was 1200 sq. ft, my studio would be 700, and I'd still have the house to live in. Perfect!

Well, here we are, 3 years later, and the garage is still packed to the gills with all the stuff that won't fit into the house. (IN that sense, it represents perfectly my loft, which, truth be told, was always two parts store-house to one part tiny theatre.) I include in this stuff 65 boxes of books, my mom's two chairs that got displaced when we bought our couch, half of a packing crate from India that I've stood upright to hold more stuff, my circus ring, my clown props, a bicycle that I haven't ridden in 3 years, but that I have had since I was 14, and lots of other stuff. Not to mention a door from India that my brother bought that he intends to turn into a table, 3 office chairs that my other brother salvaged from his old studio, 3 boxes full of glassware, silverware, and plates that are owned by our synagogue, a whole mess of wood from our renovation, and about a million shelves ready to be put together (metro shelves-- thank you Nancy and Steven!) and even more stuff.

But this isn't an inventory of my garage (impossible!), this is a tale of my harrowing day.

I was in the garage on Thursday putting some stuff away, and I thought I heard a noise. At first I thought it was on top of the roof (our roof is flat, and apples drop on our roof. But it seemed a little closer than the roof. I stopped stock still for a moment, heard a rustling, looked up, and saw a black and white animal slowly walking away from me.

Hey, I have a riddle for you: So, what's black and white and is apparently living in my garage?

A skunk!

I'd seen skunks around the house in the last year or so (I came back last high holidays to see a skunk near our porch and nearly freaked out) And of course, there was the skunk incident of about 3 weeks ago, when I saw a plastic bag in the road, I went to go pick it up, and it turned out to have a dead skunk in it. But I never for a moment thought that they were living in my precious garage! It was a shock to the system.

At the moment of spotting, I had a typical clown moment: I did what is called a bunny hop (a yell and a take to the skunk, a take to the audience, and then I beat a hasty retreat into the house. I called the Yonkers Police non-emergency number (I really should put it on speed-dial) and called them-- meantime I opened up the garage to see if I could convince the skunk to leave.

The police came about an hour later, only to tell me that I needed to hire a pest control company-- apparently Yonkers, thriving metropolis that it is, does not have an animal control department. I called about 6 companies, and finally found one on the phone (one guy was too far north, another company in White Plains doesn't come down to Yonkers) AAA Pest Control, based in NJ, has some guys who come to Yonkers. For a huge sum of money ($200!) they lay a trap for the animal, and will come and take it away. The trap is a metal humane trap with a slide that releases the door when a pressure plate is stepped on. They take the animal into the woods and release him.
If they don't find a skunk, no refund.

Meanwhile my neighbor and I are trying to figure out how the skunk came in, and we are pretty sure that it slid under one of the garage doors. There is a little space under one of them. And we are looking in the garage to see if we can see the skunk before the pest control guys get here. No dice.

The pest control guys arrive, they lay the trap, I pay them, and start wondering if I imagined it-- perhaps it was just a figment of my overactive imagination. I go into the garage several times to look, including once with the laser pointer that we use for the cat. No dice.

I check the trap several times during the day. Nothing.

Meanwhile I start reading all about skunks and skunk traps-- most of the books say to use canned cat food or herring. They used marshmallows to bait it. Skunks aren't good climbers, eat just about everything, have thick hides and so often eat bees and beehives, since they don't feel the bee-sting, and can spray 7-10 times accurately to the distance of 15 feet, and I am thinking, "Oh No!" Skunks are also nocturnal, and they don't spray unless provoked

Early the next morning I check the trap, warily peeking around the inside of the door-- Omigod-- there's something in the trap! It's black and white and got beady eyes-- I'm pretty sure it's a skunk!

I call the pest control guys, and they come around 9:30 or so and take the skunk away. There was a big fear that the skunk would spray when they came to get him, thus rendering my garage skunked. They wrap the cage with plastic wrap, and amazingly, the skunk did not spray. They took him away to a state park where they will let him out far from here. (Skunks have a general radius of about 2 miles, but can go up to 5 in hard times)

I fixed the hole where I thought they were coming in (which is a whole 'nother maladjusted tale) and I was feeling a whole lot better, but then I had an awful thought-- what if there are more skunks?

The hole fixed, it'd be impossible for the animal to escape!

Looking through the internet, I got a solution- I laid down some talc powder near where the hole was-- to see if something tried to get out.

This morning I looked, and the powder was unperturbed-- but that just means that nothing went over there.

But what if it had been perturbed? What then? I am thinking about buying a skunk trap-- but if it fills up, who am I going to get to go inside and take it someplace far away?

I have the feeling that I will be in the garage looking over my shoulder for a long time to come. I think the time has come to clean out the garage and get rid of a lot of the stuff where a skunk (or other animal) may be hiding.

The Bacon Krispy Kreme Burger- Or a Delicious Heart Attack on a Plate

2008-08-22T19:26:00.001-04:00

Bacon Krispy Kreme burger
Originally uploaded by satanslaundromat

A friend of mine posted about these-- and apparently Google had them recently in their NY cafeteria. (I found this photograph on Flickr)

It's got everything that a person could want -- except for the death by fat-cell asphyxiation.

Still it sounds delicious....

My brother works at Google, and I've eaten there, but didn't see this on the menu.