Search For the Soul

Come Again... ?

2009-05-25T17:44:00.000-07:00

Yes I will. I am back in Madison, Wisconsin in the US of A. I never would have predicted that I would be back here after working and traveling abroad, but life and karma had different things in store for me (and Amie) than I predicted. Nor did I ever believe that I would be back working for the same firm I interned with as a Freshman and Sophomore in College. Life has taken so many interesting and perplexing turns recently.

And I didn't yet mention in cyberspace that I am engaged. Yes, Amie and I made it real - the same woman that has appeared intermittently throughout this blog over the last 5 years. We did, we made it, and we will be making it official before the law and the Everlasting Soul on July 30, 2010.

I have flashes of feelings and emotions from my travels that come to me ever so often. Sometimes I am walking down the street, or in the middle of a story about those times, and there I am, back again. I'm walking with Amie through the middle of those crowded Indian and Asian streets, a million smells and even more thoughts passing through my brain - overwhelming it to the point of sheer denial that my life exists in the midst of it all. And I realize, that my travel experiences to this point have left me in a state of disbelief that life can be so real and complex and confusing and enlightening - all at once. So perhaps that meer fact is what has anchored me back to this city, maybe it is my only chance of rebuilding my world into something that I can understand and articulate - in hopes that I can have a chance to pull from the last 18 months those lessons and truths as well as falacies that must be shared.

I have been scared to open this door for a while now, intimidated at the scope of what I will undeniably have to embark upon. And then to, there is my unwillingness to take ownership over everything that I have seen and done, as if it is easier to let it all pass by like a dream that quickly slips away as you turn your eyes to the events of the day. Increasingly, my heart and Soul have proven so restless as to convince me of this impossibility of silence. We are living to share with each other, and to celebrate the good with the bad so that we may somehow understand that we are not alone, that there is purpose to be found in chaos, and that there is some great symphonic unity of which we all play a part, however big or small that part may be.

So I open up my life to the new possibilities of realization and epiphany as well as union with the subtleties of everyday life in the here and now. I open up my heart to the peaks and valleys of those around me so that I may demonstrate a greater degree of empathy to the real challenges and celebrations of others' everydays. And I open up my Soul to the invisible guide that is experiential cognizance that finds union in seemingly disparate realities.

Let this declaration be my catalyst.

Madison Soul Global

2009-02-19T07:13:00.000-08:00

And... I'm back. Again, in the place where the dream began. A slice of inspiration with subtle elements of the lives I've lived embedded in the places I hold dear, and the ones I am still discovering. Finally, my stubborn silence has been eroded by the warmth of family and friends, and the Soulful Energy of identity in place.

Learning.

And it's never ending, this changing perception of time and place and purpose and reason and logic and understanding.

I'm still not certain of where I am, where I am going, or even what I am doing - but therein lies the beauty of the times. I can do, go and be anything, anywhere. I have two certainties contradicting my confusion. To quote Paulo Cuelho in "The Pilgrim": You have only two certainties - What time is it? Now. Where are you? Here. Now begin your fight for truth." (That may be a liberal paraphrasing, however I believe I am doing poetic justice to the essence of his message.)

My last posting was in reaction to things that I learned in Laos about a cruel, unjust, vastly unrecognized crime against humanity. And it brought me great silence, especially in the face of the warmth and joy of the Laos people. Subsequently, each stage of our travels were viewed through this lens, and were somehow irreconcilable in juxtaposition one to the next. The struggles of Vietnam have bred a certain harshness and edge into the psyche of the Vietnamese... but also an irrefutable resilience. Cambodia... the dichotomy of the glory and fall from grace that has been achieved and committed in the name of the Khmer - Angkor Wat in all its majesty stands... and the legacy of the Khmer Rouge lives on. It seems I have buried most of the questions and sadness elicited by those things: pictures, places, bones, videos, testaments, emotions, human essence, injured Soul... And the silence those things create endures, against the passion of the Souls who demand recognition. Leaving Cambodia, the memories remained but struggled against the hard reality that life goes on in spite of itself - or perhaps out of a singular strength of manifest Soul. Thailand... somehow calm, clean and orderly against the backdrop of Laos, Vietnam and Cambodia. And then Koh Phangan... a life apart, but still, there is struggle for the Thais to maintain their dignity and identity while creating a sense of perfection and paradise for their unsuspecting guests.

And then there was time crunch and exhaustion and budgets. The curse of the overzealous, curious traveler is that you want to see too much with too little time. And so in sacrifice of a depth of experience you attain the title of having "been there". Of course the observant Soul never misses the world turn. And so Malaysia passed in a whirlwind of experience in the Kuala Lumpur metropolis with a pervading energy of tenuous inter-ethnic compromise - an ironic expression of our preceding journey from the Arab Gulf, India and Southeast Asia. And Singapore was just a "been there" as we passed through by bus and metro to the airport, as clean as it was made out to be as well as efficient. We successfully made it through the country in less than 24 hours.

Tokyo warrants a posting entirely unto itself, and may get one as I wind down. It is my hope that different experiences back in Madison and the next chapter of life will elicit different recollections and reorganizations of memories and experiences. The danger in this account writing of such experiences is that I run the risk of letting things go to a world apart as they are beginning to feel. But then there is potential to weave my experience of a lifetime within the running thread of local reality that will create a lasting fabric of inter-connectivity. And thus, realize my ultimate discovery - that as human beings and experiences, we cannot shed our fundamental unity that is our Soul. I've seen it. I've lived it. I've hated it. I've loved it. I've released my doubt into the truth that the Soul Is.

Goodmorning Viet... Laos??

2008-11-08T07:12:00.000-08:00

I break my latest streak of blogosphere absence with a posting from the People's Democratic Republic of Laos (silent "s"). It has only been two days, and I have to admit that I already feel the laid back lifestyle of the people creeping into my travel weary bones. After pushing through India and Thailand, it is a relief to find a calm, relatively quiet place in which to enjoy the finer things in life again... news magazines, beer, espresso... and the depths of one country's experience with pain and suffering.

Laos is a country yet undiscovered by the vast majority of citizens of the country that has had the single most influential role in its modern existence as a state. I have to say I was certainly in that category until just a few hours ago. Amie and I took a visit to the COPE extension of the government operated National Rehabilitation Center (rehibilitation from what I first thought). The COPE center held a free (key word for budget traveler) exhibition about the modern travesty of UXO in Laos - or UneXploded Ordinannce - and its still central role in Laotian life, even after 40 years of its first misguided spread across the majority of the countryside. The exhibit proved to be a rude awakening to the less than benevolent role of my country, which stirred once again a resentment and confusion about the forces that be - even in spite of my newly rekindled respect and hope for the coming administration (read Obama).

I bring all of this up mostly out of hope that things can be different, and that we as a nation can avoid being the catalyst for such tragedies in the future. And yet I am troubled by the legacy that we will leave in Iraq - but cautiously hopeful that a change in our collective direction can offer to proactively heal wounds without tearing out the stitches.

Hoping for good things to come.

The Gulf’s Family Living Room

2008-09-06T07:56:00.000-07:00

I’m sitting at Muscat International Airport, about to end the chapter in the place it all started. I said goodbye to the two gentlemen who have accompanied me throughout, and who will be carrying the torch onward until they too make their move to continue on their own paths.

There is a mix of emotions, sitting here with the woman I love, about to start our own journey that I know with certainty is the one that must be made. But still aching at the imminent goodbye to a place that I have called home. It was a journey to get to that home feeling too, but once it was made, I felt like I was in a comfortable family living room.

To me, that seems most accurate description for what Oman really is. It is at once a beautifully ornate, warm and accepting place, where you walk right in and feel at ease. I will never forget the way Oman welcomed and accepted me.

In my final posting in Oman – the last of the posts that have expressed quite closely every aspect of my emotional and physical state in Oman – I must express my gratitude and eternal respect and love for two of the finest individuals I have ever met. Jihad and Hassan, you have made my Oman experience what it is, and left me forever with a warm place in my heart for you and Oman. Rest assured that I will be Oman’s biggest advocate wherever I go.

To my team, Brett, David and Katy – you will continue to do incredible things in your work for AIESEC and for anything else you choose to dedicate yourselves to. It has been an honor to work with each one of you. Thank you for your friendship and support throughout this adventure.

My love and respect will be with you all.

Ready for the Release

2008-08-27T06:19:00.001-07:00

Unsettled is the best word for it. I am sitting at a cafe in Muscat, the same cafe where I brought myself to the decision to move on, to once again begin living my life through the guidance of my Soul... contemplating. Contemplating my search for understanding here, a search that at times was fruitful, and other times futile. Professionally, so much made sense in Oman. The regional development, embodied by the hyper-development of Dubai... The professional possibilities for AIESEC, and the sensible opportunities that it opens up for the students here... My personal and profound dedication to see to it that I did everything in my power for its success... The practical experience of developing a chapter of an international organization, and figuring intrinsically into its global leadership... What did not make sense, never truly so, was what my Soul could see.

I have struggled to characterize what I have been experiencing inside for some time now. Is it good, is it bad? Did I fail, did I succeed? It all depends on what the terms are.

Overall, I can already say that I am happy I made the decision to come to Oman. I hope to start to see the rewards coming gradually. I am equally happy to have made the decision to move on to other endeavors. What I am about to release to is an experience that is even more unknown to me. What destinations will it bring me to - not physically, but mindfully, spiritually... Soulfully.

My decision to go with Amie to India to study yoga for six weeks makes no logical sense when I look at it with my analytical mind. When I allow my Soul to guide me, it simply is... right.

Blogging Psychology - Blogchology... ?

2008-08-12T00:30:00.001-07:00

Is it the mind that molds the heart that pulls the Soul to wonder at the present status of the state of the world?

I've removed myself from the Blogosphere as of late for the simple reason that I have been entirely too unsettled to breech the barrier of my mind swirl to come afresh with words and phrases that inspire me further on my current search.

Amie arrived and everything changed. She opened me up to help me to see the state of myself and my Soul. I was not surprised by what I saw, but I was at first to proud to admit that it was not was I wanted, but something that I had watched happen. It turns out that all of the effort and energy that my Oman experience has demanded of me almost completely removed me from taking care of myself. I didn't even have the foggiest at the time to know what that even meant, at least in this context.

So here I am again, back at a crossroads of choices. I have decided to move on from Oman with Amie, to continue our journey East to India, and delve into the depths of Soul and Self through the channels of Ayurvedic Yoga. And then on to Southeast Asia, or...

Energy is the ultimate goal. Energy and the most accurate reflection of well-being. Something Amie and I have termed Soul Entreprise... the beginnings of a company or philosophy or movement. Or perhaps something even bigger, embodied by the sense of pure Being

And so it Begins

Where My Soul Ends and Yours Begins

2008-05-08T06:05:00.001-07:00

Beneath the Scrubs

The last month has been a path to revelation. Revelation big and small, redefining purpose and direction, refining understanding and identity. Crisis forces clarity, strength ensures persistence, faith is eternity in being.

I have come through my own deficit in character, understood and challenged my demons, and in my critical personal estimation, I have succeeded.

What is integral to my experience over the last two months is the peace of mind that I have been able to establish.

Where my Soul ends and Yours begins...

... is the point at which I agree to enter into a personal communion with the people around me; I agree to lower my barriers and challenge myself to understand, to empathize
, to look with my heart and live with My Soul; I agree to let go of the competition, to not try to prove you wrong, insist that I am right; I agree to simply be.

... are the conversations about life, challenges, defeats, triumphs, pain, joy - the details of what it means to be human from the individuals living it, not letting ourselves get lost in diversity, celebrating it - not letting it become another status quo.

... are the investigations of culture amongst friends, Jihad opening himself to my questions, trusting me completely that basic respect is true - and that these questions will produce only more value in friendship and trust.

... is where I release myself to the deepest love, making myself vulnerable to be hurt, but also enabling myself to fully enter into sublime peace - is Amie, My Beloved Friend.

We are capable of surmounting greater challenges than we could ever imagine. Human strength is infinite when we agree to never foresake our Soul...

Our International Day of Love

2008-04-07T12:47:00.000-07:00
My Sweet Amie-

Today I remember the most powerful moment of my life when the foundations for a life to come were laid. I didn't fully understand their significance then, and I am still learning about it now, for the influence that this love was to have on the subsequent events of my life were monumental. I reflect now on the course of my life over the last four years, and realize how much different it would have been without you. Honestly, I question whether or not I would actually be in Oman if I hadn't of met you - for you inspired and pushed me to search for something greater than I was, and to continually improve the man I was trying to become.

I remember falling in love with your beauty - your beautiful eyes, your beautiful hair, your beautiful smile, your beautiful skin... but before all that, I remember falling in love with your Soul - a purity like nothing else I had before experienced, yet unmatched throughout my travels and searches ever since.

April 7, 2004 was the moment that my world came alive, through the eyes and heart of another - through you Amie, My Beloved Friend.

Innovation and Entrepreneurship

2008-04-05T11:09:00.000-07:00
With some Soul.

I just got back from a long weekend in Dubai attending the World Summit on Innovation and Entrepreneurship. The experience was enlightening, invigorating, inspiring, motivating and above all else, empowering. In fact, if there ever were just the right medicine for what was ailing my drifting Soul, this was it. And right at a time when I was feeling dragged down and deflated in Oman.

I have so many things to remember and take away from this Summit - but I choose to sum it up with one statement. Living with a purpose.

This statement is what drove the spirit of the three days from April 1-3. Straight from the mouths of a sampling of the worlds movers and shakers including business leaders, government ministers and officials, NGO leaders, entertainers and spiritual motivators - all gathered together with a common interest in Innovation and Entrepreneurship with a purpose - Innovation for Peace. People spoke with such passion and energy, determination and foresight, about gathering together around each others' goals and initiatives to drive further innovation for the benefit of the global society. They spoke so passionately and intently that I actually believed them. More importantly, they asked the right questions and gave the right answers that I actually began to believe again that I too, am working for and have a purpose driven by the same things.

AIESEC representatives were invited to provide a youth element to the conversations. It was truly a privilege to represent AIESEC and simply to be present in such an engaging environment. Thank you to AIESEC for that opportunity, as well as the Global Leadership Team for recognizing the value that AIESEC can bring to such discussions and gatherings.

What I think I will remember the most out of this experience is this single phrase that the Minister of Information Technology from Mauritius kept repeating. It was throughout his conversation with the Executive Vice President of Deutsche Post - himself an AIESEC Alum - about the costs of leadership on the people that choose to rise through it. The Minister kept repeating, "What we need is more value-driven people in this world." It was clear through the conversation tone and setting, that the values he wanted were basic respect and understanding for life and humanity supported by the will to serve your neighbor, and to do good for good's sake.

I am reinvigorated and ready to approach my life renewed. I am bringing this energy and passion that I have rediscovered back to Oman with the commitment to live my life here with purpose, and to never overlook the opportunities here for discovery and learning - about myself and the world that surrounds me. Yes, I am brining it back with some more Soul.

Emergence, or Re-...

2008-03-23T11:49:00.000-07:00
Life teaches us lessons in interesting ways, and foreign travel and living often present the most interesting - which is ultimately why I have chosen my present lifestyle. I certainly was well aware that this experience would be challenging when I agreed to undertake it, but I absolutely had no idea how challenging it could be - both in the degree of challenge, as well as the types of challenge. Of course it was the professional challenges that first lured me here, thinking that I had gone through a lot of the personal challenges with my last abroad experiences. I think it is this naivety that has led me to my most recent crash. Crashing and depression are good experiences if you have the strength and presence of mind to realize that it is happening, choose to seek out the causes, and force yourself to do something about it. These, in fact, are some of the greatest moments of growth - and, in the heat of the moment, also the least welcomed. Clarity is something that I continually seek, and I have become increasingly good at finding it in unfamiliar places. However, in those moments that I lose focus, or a deep fog sets in, I can fall pretty hard. So, lesson learned is? Keep the faith and keep on moving - hope is sometimes the best medicine and at least some part of the ball always rests in your court.

Now, on to the good things that I have rediscovered about myself, travel, work, and Oman.

I have started cooking again, which for some reason I had an unreasonable fear of until I found a grocery store that was manageable - Hypermarkets are just that... Hyper, and a bit unnerving for a sensitive soul like myself. I pay a bit of a premium, but gladly. Peace of mind and healthy diets come at a price.

By travel I really mean more or less settled, temporary living in foreign countries. I became a bit homesick for the good ole U S of A, thinking how good it would be to live there again, how easy, how logical, how fulfilling - and that's when I begin to think, those are all the reasons why I left in the first place. One thing is for sure, my respect has grown for the Homeland, along with all of the living paradoxes it contains. But it is not time to go back yet. There are simply too many awkward cultural situations I have to stumble through and too many Bush bashes that I have yet to hear. Let's just say that the world is on the edge of their seats for the results of November 4th. We better not screw this one up.

Work has suffered a bit from my emotional state, but promises to rebound as I put it back together. Over the past few months, I have wavered between full-out commitment to another year in Oman and nervous doubt about when would be the best time to make my move. To be honest, the commitment has always been stronger than the doubt - so for those with self-interests in my commitment to be here, rest assured that I am solidly here. Of course, if I left, I don't know where I would go, and I think I would be giving up a lot of the opportunity that still remains here for me - namely solidifying a company, growing our presence in Oman, rubbing elbows with the movers and shakers of Oman and seeing this project through to the point where I can feel a more full accomplishment.

There is absolutely no way you will like Oman if you don't meet, interact with, and make friends with Omanis - and do so on a regular basis. This has been my biggest fault since my return, I got too busy with other things to reach back out to my Omani community. Without the warmth and friendship of the people here, you are likely to melt in the sun. Thank you to all the Omanis that have reached out to me recently, and turned my heart back around to this country - Yahya, Jihad, Abdulazziz. And of course, a thank you is due to my American suburban couple trying to live the yuppie life in Oman with a new baby Charlie - Scott and Marianne. Happy Easter.

Danger Time

2008-03-19T04:26:00.000-07:00
I'm taking a risk with this one, of revealing to much at a time of vulnerability, uncertainty, mild-turning-worrisome depression... But, I'm saying the hell with it, and opening up the flood gates. Over the last 3 months my life has turned upside down, then back, and now into a new dimension that I have no bearings from which to understand. In this amount of time I have been with the people that I love the most, the love of my life, the now three people I live and work with, the people I work with across continents and oceans, the leaders of all the other AIESEC countries in the network, the Omani LC members, and myself.

When I left Wisconsin to come back to Oman, it was rough. I felt like my heart was being torn from my body. I crashed in my room when I got back, breaking down in tears, convulsing with pain and sadness. I took me a while to pick myself back up, and as soon as I did, it was time to go to the US for another meeting. Back there I got to see familiar faces, and then Amie again for a few moments of bliss. Then it was back to Oman for five days, not enough time to realize where I was, and no time to think about what I had just left. Boarding another plane for Macedonia, I began to think that it was too much, I couldn't let myself open to far - otherwise I would just be setting myself up for a plunge again. IPM was a whirlwind. I was emotionally disconnected, guarded, and consumed by an issue that is tiring for me to even think about now. A much needed outreach came from a familiar but unexpected place - revealing new challenges for me to come. And all of it is bottled up. Macedonia left me no space for reflection, nor did the brief trip to Thessaloniki, save for a lonely night on a pier, feeling all but disconnected from myself. There I made a commitment to rediscover myself - and Oman.

So that brings me back here. With the most challenging task that I have ever been given persistently at the forefront of my mind and responsibilities, I became impatient to find myself, define what I am and who I am, in a familiar but still foreign environment. I rediscovered my need for self-expression, acceptance and love from a core group of people, and venues for self-reflection amidst friends. I realized all at once, that none of this was available to me, and that I must create it for myself if I am to have any of it. At the same time, my body is showing signs of neglect, a loss of life in the form of love that is threatening to bring me to my knees again.

In conversation with my teammate David last night, I came back to a thought I had discovered during my first experiences living abroad. I must be the first to reach out during these times of longing and despair. Reclusion is no place for me to be, for it will only bring me lower. I must be open to the possibilities of companionship, from places I don't expect, from people I feel like I will not understand.

I've been in this emotional state before, of course in much different social and cultural contexts. It doesn't end here - this is only the beginning. I accept the challenge, and I agree to move forward with patience and a heart full of love. This is my re-commitment to my core life value to love thyself and by doing so, bringing more love to the world.

How to Get My Head Straight

2008-03-17T00:32:00.000-07:00
So here it is, I'm in the middle of another work day with more than my fair share in front of me. How do I clearly construct a document describing what our first governance body will look like? How do I get our Omani shareholders to cooperate in the moments leading up to filing for our AIESEC company? How do I leverage the media to recognize the great things that AIESEC will do for Oman? How can I gain the trust of the government ministries so that they will bestow us with their blessing to move forward?

And what do I do in a room full of white and black?

The last couple days have been an up and down like I haven't experienced in a while. I had a meeting with two of our three shareholders, who we are now referring to as Guardians, during which I could literally see and feel everything coming together. I saw the potentials turning into reality and all the planning turning into action. And now comes the follow-up... Like twisting arms, pulling legs, slapping wrists and breaking knuckles (not really, but try to see my point). In the midst of it all, I see myself succumbing to the weight of the Omani work ethic - lulling me into a place where deadlines don't matter, time moves but I stand still. And all the things worth doing feel all too ominous. All of these feelings after I felt like I could change the world only two days ago.

And then their was the white and black. I don't think I will ever get used to this. I decided to go to a play at the university at the bequest of a student friend who was acting in the play. Called "Shakespearean Night," it was a comical look at how Shakespeare would have directed his own plays, albeit if he were Omani and acting in front of a crowd of Omani students and teachers with sprinkled expats. Costuming was good, acting was laudable... the setting before unimaginable to me. I should have expected it really, I know that school - it is not ultra conservative, but still segregated to a degree (by sex that is). And so, the late-entrance experience, what to me is already usually awkward, skyrocketed in awkwardness as I took a quick glance upon entry to see black in the two sides with a big, wide white stripe down the middle. For those unfamiliar with the colors of sex, male is white and black is female. Now, the awkwardness wouldn't have been that great had we only been our usual crowd of a few dudes. But, we were with women, an Omani and a Colombian. And instead of playing by the rules, we all sat down together in the big White Stripe. And I began to sweat...

But, what begins well ends well, so I am starting to think that all of the apparent build-up by the Omani codes of conduct surrounding male and female interaction are really just meant to keep everyone on edge, and those in the younger crowd just know what is expected of them but don't really have as much esteem for the rules as I initially expected. I've been having these thoughts for a while, but just now built up the courage to express them. Hopefully this goes well, too. And please know that I only have good intentions.

So... my head is crooked, cocked just a little to the side - searching for ways to get straight again. I've got this persistent nauseousness that flares up from time to time, but never really leaves me. I can't figure it out really, although I have a few theories. I am love deprived, and not just the romantic type. Any and all physical contact with people has been removed (save for a casual handshake here and there) and the biggest reason I have to believe that I am yet human is that I still feel the primal urges for eating, sleeping and, well, you know... I am only hoping that there is some brevity to my insanity. Amie, it's time for you to be here.

Feeling Effective

2008-03-08T06:49:00.000-08:00
I am going through a personal revelation about how to best keep myself in that "effective zone" where I know that things are being accomplished and that I am optimizing my time. I have started to notice that it is critically important for me to have a clear separation between my work life and personal life. I knew this going in to things here, and then I began to make a few sacrifices here and there, eating into my personal space until I had lost any real sense of life without work, without AIESEC. I know now how unhealthy that is, as it leads me to resent parts of my work, and at times the people I work with - which is by no means adding to my work efficiency and effectiveness.

The International Presidents Meeting gave me a lot to think about - what is AIESEC at its core, what does it mean for me, and why do I continue to give it my energy, my dedication, at times my sacrifices. I began to search for that deep meaning and purpose that I had once discovered in my AIESEC experiences. To be most honest, these experiences were ones in which I felt most alive. What I am realizing though, is that it was not the AIESEC mantra and models and dances, etc., that really elevated me to those levels. It was everything that I was putting into my life-living: the energy, the dedication to self-exploration, the insistence that I was doing something important for someone - if no one else but myself.

It is true that AIESEC is doing amazing things in this world. But it is not meaningful in and of itself. It is the people that are living in it that provide it with its meaning.

Perhaps I feel this way because I have lived what I consider to be the quintessential element of the AIESEC experience - the exchange. It was not until I completed this element that I was willing to devote my time to supporting the entire organization.

My words here are not meant to discredit anything that AIESEC or AIESECers have done. In fact, I laud the continuing efforts of AIESECers worldwide - and I can think of very few things more valuable for young people to be pursuing at this stage in life. However, I challenge all AIESECers to really evaluate the meaning and importance of what it is that we are doing. Why do we all continually, relentlessly pour our hearts and souls into this organization? I think it is more than just the concept of impact. And I think there is more to being an AIESECer than just simply being a member of this organization.

Finally, bringing this all back to the title of this post - I cannot feel effective and purposeful with only AIESEC in my life. I need my life balance and I need to realize that AIESEC is not life in and of itself - it is an enabler for some quintessential parts of life to be lived. I need the other parts in my life, and I always will.

Living with Yourself in Strange Places

2008-03-05T14:18:00.000-08:00
This post is a tribute to the discovery and rediscovery of the essence of oneself in familiar ways and in strange places. To the will that you will not lose yourself despite any challenges that come your way.

Challenges come that are self-fabricated and real, from environment and from self-doubt. In any event, it is the strength and ability to push through a reflection that reveals your true values that will endure the challenges.

I believe you can adapt to any environment that you are surrounded by, given the proper time and the right attitude. This discovery is one of the most rewarding experiences that you can ever have.

Coming Home

2008-03-01T15:02:00.000-08:00
And there's business to be done... I am wrapping up the AIESEC International Presidents' Meeting tour with a last stop in Skopje, Macedonia where it all began, after a whirlwind two weeks passing through Ohrid and a small vacation in Thessaloníki. I do fell more sound about everything that I've done, and everything that I will be doing very soon in Oman. The approval and interest in what is happening in Oman from the rest of the AIESEC network was just the support and verification that I needed, and I am now ready, and more excited than ever to get back into things. And now we are just at that tipping point where we can truly break out into the huge performance that we have been foreseeing. IPM was not an easy experience, and many elements were puzzling - and almost all tiring. But it was a truly monumental experience nonetheless. Being my first international conference, I got to see the AIESEC network in action. And even if it is comprised of a very select segment of the student population worldwide, it is inspiring to see such a collection of young people from around the world, all coming together for the purpose of understanding and peace through the exchanges of each other.

This experience has given me a lot to take back and ponder. I have grown significantly because of it, I can already tell. I appreciate the insight it has given me, and the new challenges it has presented me as well. It was an honor to represent Oman in its first official appearance with the AIESEC network, and promising that it will continue to figure into the health and growth of the entire organization.

After all of this, I am so grateful to be returning to Oman. The country has given me so much to this point, in ways that I cannot fully articulate. There is a subtle connection that I feel with it, and I know that I am not yet ready to let it go. In one way, I do feel as if I am coming home - I am coming back to the purpose for which I am working so hard right now. While other connections to home still escape Oman, for now I am content to have the opportunities and blessings that my experiences in Oman continue to present me. I am happy to be living in Oman.

Communication Butterflies

2008-02-13T10:53:00.000-08:00
I enjoy giving posts nonsensical titles. I feel like sometimes I throw them up there and they look ridiculous, but sometimes they make unusual sense.

Anyway, this post is about communication - and how extremely important it is to organizational health, especially when it comes to internal communication of external commitments. So it became so apparent this evening, when our biggest external stakeholder and financial supporter came face to face with me in an unexpected meeting of minds.

Reestablishing communication after it has all but evaporated is an arduous task, particularly for someone who was thrown into the mix while it was all falling apart. It demands a degree of creativity and determination to ensure that the remaining faith in that communication does not crumble, because in the end, all that communication is based upon is faith and trust. It's the follow-through that seals that trust.

These are some of the professional life lessons that I am learning in my time in Oman. Every day presents a new way of looking at the same things we're doing in a different light - and the opportunity to do something different that will make the difference between meeting a goal or missing it.

Here's to maintaining the foresight and energy to know when I must make the change.

Gulftastic Time

2008-02-10T10:30:00.000-08:00
And so it was that I ended my journey back from the US of A with a three day stopover in the island kingdom country of Bahrain. The occasion was the first AIESEC Gulf Conference, bringing together members from Bahrain, Qatar and Oman. There was a special aura, an energy amongst all in attendance - anticipating what this moment would mean. For me, it was a chance to really see a piece of my work coming to fruition, a tangible verification of the work that my team and I have done to this point. I cannot claim too much responsibility for the success of this conference outside of the sessions that I helped to facilitate, so I give credit where credit is certainly due to Jorien of Bahrain, and David of my team. With these two leaders, we, as a group in the Gulf, were able to catalyze our efforts into an experience for a group of young people that they will certainly not forget for a long time to come.

It is good to be back in the Gulf. It is good to be back in Oman. After leaving and coming back so many times now, it is now comforting to feel that there is a piece of home in Oman when I return. I am looking at another period of time away from this piece of home for another incredible AIESEC experience in the Republic of Macedonia. This will surely prove to be the most singularly challenging and exciting experience in my AIESEC career, as I will be representing my colleagues and members, as well as the six months of work we've done to this point, before a group of over 100 peer leaders. I know that I have a large responsibility going in to this conference, and that a lot is expected out of my representation. I feel as if I am looking at one of those defining and enlightening moments in life that provide a degree of clarity and confusion all at the same time.

I believe in the power of what I am a part of, the potential, and the impact already, of my efforts through the organization that is AIESEC. It's funny how my relationship with it is changing all the time, as well as my perception of my effectiveness and my capacity and competency to make our large goals realities. To say that it has been easy would be a lie. To be honest, it has been an extreme roller coaster much akin to an adolescent romance turning into an adult relationship- distance, skepticism, infatuation, love, struggle, disillusionment, rejection, finally to tempered, dedicated, quietly passionate love and deep respect. While I cannot say that it will forever receive my attention and love as I intend for my adult relationship, I can say that I will persist in my work for it, as a labor of love for its ideals and principles - and the people they are intended to benefit the most.

Revelations come at the most unexpected moments.

Life on the "Road"

2008-01-29T07:19:00.000-08:00
I'm about to get on a plane for another journey across three continents, two seas and one ocean - that is, once the ticked is finally confirmed. Inchallah, I will be boarding the plane in about 4 hours bound for some inspiring conversation with my counterparts in AIESEC US. Post AUS-retreat, I'll be hanging around in Vegas for a birthday celebration and pre-Valentine's extravaganza with my romantic counterpart - miss Amie Kuczkowski - for a surprisingly early oasis amidst what I was anticipating to be a much longer stay in the desert. Subsequent to our lovefest, I will be heading back to the Gulf, with a brief stop in Bahrain to be with our beloved AIESEC Oman members for their first international conference! Once I return to Oman on the 9th of February, I will be set back into action, getting the legalization for the AIESEC Oman LLC moving, selling some traineeships, and preparing for Oman's application to be an Official Extension of the AIESEC network at IPM 2008. On the 15th it's off to the Republic of Macedonia where Oman makes its big splash, announcing to the network that we're here and ready for action! Finally, before the close of the month, I'll be back in Oman to gear up for what is promising to be an incredibly busy spring - with lots in store for AIESEC Oman.

I'm taking a deep breath, calming the gag reflex, and buckling up for a wild ride.

Here's to life on the "Road." I'll be enjoying it while it lasts, and gittin' it while the gittin's good.

The Romance Continues

2008-01-23T12:06:00.000-08:00
Small moments in time can change a lot. It's those moments, those conversations, those people, that come are able to push you to see more, challenge you to realize the importance of what you are doing and why - it's those moments that can change it all.

I'm back in the game

Reflecting on not Being Reflective Enough

2008-01-20T09:38:00.000-08:00
I don't know what it is lately, and by lately I mean the last few months. For some reason, I have felt a bit uninspired, like I'm settling too far into a groove that just doesn't fit right. Progress is good in Oman, and in many respects is great, yet there have been too many times in my opinion where I just feel like I'm going through the motions. Perhaps its that time of year, students are out of school, businesses are slow, something like that. But more often now, I'm thinking that I've been out of school, and my business of personal dreaming and theorizing has been way too slow.

I have always been the kind of person that thrives on mind-churning. I had convinced myself that I could never slip into boredom because I could always rely on my mind-machine to continue to grind through the moments, musing on the wheres, whos, whats, whens and whys of the mundane to the fantastically complex. Now, I find myself in situations where I'm thinking, "When can I make the next step, what is going to be the right fit for me, who do I want to surround myself with, what part of the world do I want to live in... What do I want to do with my life and Why?" All of these things are good to think about, in fact they are great! But I am finding myself too often, thinking about them with an overly considerate worry - like there is something critical that I should be doing right now to make sure all of those other things turn out alright in the future. To be sharply honest, at times I have let myself lose my faith in my present choice of projects and pursuits in bringing me where I want to be. Happily though, I know that that particular fear is based on utter untruths.

There remains a possibility that I am not challenging myself in the right ways here. This experience in Oman has been similar in some ways to my experiences in France and Morocco - but completely different in so many others. It has been similar in the fact that it has brought me far away from the people I love and care about, and challenged my world view in a very fundamental way. Yet it has been so very different in the amount of forced cultural contrasts and confusions that enriched those experiences. And then I begin to realize that a lot of those experiences, those challenges - may be happening in different ways.

Abdulazziz and his cousin Zahar just walked in the door to our house unannounced - case in point.

A new vantage point

2008-01-08T19:07:00.000-08:00
I am back in Oman again. I was in the United States for a brief two and a half weeks, a time I looked at as an eternity before I left, but a time that passed all to quickly once I was there. I must say that my attitude about the country, and what it means to be an American, has changed significantly over the past five months. I began to look not only at the great list of faults that America and its leadership has been racking up recently, but also at the enduring principles and qualities that help it retain its value. America has an overwhelming sense of acceptance of other peoples and cultures - at least that is, once you have been able to cross its boarders. Of course it is false to believe in any Utopian society, and I will never believe that I have found one, yet there can be perpetual attempts - and I am more akin than ever, to think that the United States is one.

Many people say that nowadays the sense of family, responsibility and duty in the United States is gone, or at least, isn't what it used to be - as if that were an entirely bad thing. First of all, how can we expect something so dynamic to remain the same forever, and secondly, whoever say that was all perfect in the first place. I am motivated to talk about these things because of my own singular experience in my family unit, pulling from the principles and values this experience has instilled in me. Perhaps after writing all of this I will begin to realize that I am trying to make a general statement about a massive unit based on quite particular examples - but I would like to believe nonetheless that some of what I am saying is representative of a greater trend.

I am not going to get into the inner workings of my family life at this moment. What I want to say is simpler than that, or at least more brief. What I have realized from the fast paced changes that my life has been going through in the recent past, and the prospect of even more changes in the near future, is that life doesn't stay the same anywhere - and each person, most of all, is going through their own unique changes. What I am beginning to realize about myself is that at some point, after all of these blazing changes have taken their course, I will be ready to anchor one part of my life in a certain place, or at least with certain people very close to me.

I am coming into a period of my life where a lot of big decisions will need to be made. And I have committed to a relationship that demands that these decisions be made with my counterpart in mind. I am so excited to start this process, and I am ready to start seeing what types of changes these decisions will be bringing.

True Love Waits

2007-12-15T11:58:00.000-08:00
One great show of love deserves another in return - and so has been the motivation for our blissful passion. It has been by no means an easy journey, and although at times we both may have considered giving in to the pain and confusion, the journey has made us stronger and more committed than we ever could have expected. It's amazing what distance can do to a relationship, what it can teach a person about the relationship itself - but also what it teaches about the two people engaged therein. The last four months have been such an experience.

Distance is never something I would wish on any relationship, and certainly not on my own with Amie - but it is something with which our relationship has become ever more familiar. As our interests and passions reveal themselves to one another, they have forced important conversations about the reality of our relationship to survive the challenges that our seemingly diverging lives have taken.

Yet it is in the distance and the divergence that an ever-strengthening love and understanding have emerged. While I never would have wished this distance on each other, I know that what it really has done is made each other stronger and more committed to making it work. I could not be more excited to be going back to her for a brief moment, like a sweet oasis in the desert...

I love you Amie, my Beloved Friend

The Beginning of the AIESEC Oman Experience

2007-12-11T06:49:00.000-08:00
It has finally come... the quintessential moment of the AIESEC experience, when students are first exposed to its possibilities and their own potential. For the very first time, Omani students had the opportunity to sit in their classrooms and learn first hand about what is coming to their colleges and universities through our information sessions. It was elating to see the excitement in their faces, the smiles, the questions and the already apparent commitment and dedication that some students have to do something more. These are important moments not only for the students to first learn and understand a piece about AIESEC, but also for the people speaking about their own experiences in AIESEC. I myself delivered my personal AIESEC story to yet another group of students - and yet again, I reflected on how important and impactful my experiences through AIESEC have been to me.

It is so exciting, and now relieving, to be able to speak and start to work with the Omani students. After four months of work and planning, the real purpose of why we are here is able to take place. Now the real work has just begun. Now we start to recruit our most direct stakeholders with the most to gain from what we are doing - the people who will be able to take the lead when we start to move on.

Through all of these experiences, I have been having my own moments of revelation and clarity. I am finally starting to understand what I am doing here, and the significance of this experience for my own development. The transition from our initial touch-down in Oman four months ago to now has been a flurry of activity, and a series of growing pains in which I've learned how to reach inside myself for some other source of energy and inspiration in order to reach back out. I've retaught myself how to live in a foreign environment, and to understand it as a place I belong, as yet another home. I've learned how to live and work with two incredible individuals who I've depended on for life in the work environment, as well as moments of personal troubles. I've learned how to get the best work out of myself, and how to encourage the best work out of my colleagues that makes us function as well as possible as a team. And through it all, I've rediscovered who I am, my values, and my purpose-filled life that I've worked so hard to build.

We are entering a new and exciting phase here, for AIESEC and for ourselves personally. Once again, I couldn't be happier with my choice to come to Oman in order to pursue the task I've bee given, for myself and the countless others who I will be working with. I've got to say that I am loving this life here, and I am ready for more to come.

Ups and Downs

2007-11-27T08:36:00.000-08:00
It's been a fast and slow couple of months. The days have been flying by but the moments have sometimes been dragging on.

Relationships are important. Love relationships are even more important. All relationships change, and it is through the juxtaposition of myself next to the various relationships that I've been able to maintain that I can evaluate who I am and how I have changed.

When so much is changing all around you it is sometimes easy to let the small things fall through the cracks. For a short while that may be ok. But in the long run, the small make up the big - and if you keep letting the small things slip by then you may just end up losing it all.

I am going through a big reorientation of self right now. I am weeding through what I once knew and what I know now, evaluating what has transpired and blending it all together to decide who I want to become.

Parts of me have become comatose during this period of change and adjustment. Only now are these parts of me reawakening. I have been keeping myself in a tightly focused direction, because to let myself go would mean the dissolution of all of my ability to understand my immediate purpose in day to day life. I am getting stronger now, and loosening my blinders to open my mind and heart again to the rich surroundings of my personal and internal world.

Keeping this tight direction has made me start to stumble - and I would be up for a fall if I could not bring myself to look up. The downs are always good though, because they make the ups possible. For me, its just important that I climb higher than I fall.

To those who keep up with the developments of this blog, I apologize for the series of reflective entries, and the lack of filler in between. My absence was a low of sorts, and the upswing promises to be more productive and insightful than ever before.

The Search for the Soul continues

Life Pulls

2007-11-05T11:09:00.000-08:00
In so many different directions. It's amazing to think about all the different people that I know across the globe and what they are doing now. What situations they have found themselves in. How different their daily realities are than my own. I have found myself recently nostalgic, finding myself in memories with all those different people reminiscing about how "good" the old times were. It's interesting how I romanticize memories and people sometimes. When I truly think about it though, I realize that at the time of that particular memory, I didn't think what was going on was really the "Bees Knees" like it seems in a daydream. I remember at those times I was usually dreaming about using my life for something more, something different... and all that dreaming brought me here.

It's funny how we AIESECers tend to romanticize the AIESEC dream across the world, like it's really cherry pie and ice cream like it looks like in pictures and sounds like in the legendary stories. The truth is, it's one the hardest thing you could ever do. There are moments of grace and others of the fall. Then there are the moments where you forget what you are really doing and just let the juices flow. And then come the moments of reflection when you remember where you are and you realize what you are doing. Moments of disbelief, and awe. There is something truly bigger than one individual at work here.

Of course, put your work in for those relationships that matter most to you.