Misawa's Musings

Letter to my Son: Baby Steps

2009-06-23T15:03:00.001-04:00

Dear son,

A few weeks ago now, I saw you do one of the most incredible things of your young life to date. You'd been pulling yourself up on everything you could crawl to, but hadn't quite taken that first step without holding on to something. On this day, however, you saw the Ring of Much Tastiness taunting you on the piano bench, which was in between you and the Box of Buttons and Moving Pictures. I watched as you wrinkled that face of yours, knowing that one of two possible scenarios was about to occur - you were about to take your first step, or you were making a large deposit in your diaper.

And then, you let go of the chair, crossed one ham over the other, and planted your foot on the ground, still not holding anything. Three things were learned that day: 1) you could let go and move someplace else - more exploring! and 2) Daddy could win the Olympic high jump from the seated position (what can I say? I've got a strong butt).

Oh, and the 3rd thing? That sometimes, even when everything is going wonderfully right, things go suddenly go horribly wrong. Your crossover step was magnificent, but what you didn't account for was the awkward position it left you in. No more than a half a second after you took that one step, you tried to take another to catch your balance... and face planted on a toy.

Through all the tears though, it wasn't lost on me that you had still taken your first steps... and done it without mommy. For weeks I tried to goad you in to doing it again, setting up simplistic scenarios ("Look! No toys on the floor!") hoping - praying - that I could call for mommy and she would see you wobble like an orangutan leaving the pub. You just weren't having any of it.

Until last night. You were doing your usual routine of walking all the way around the room holding everything you could get your paws on until you came to me. With mommy standing in the middle of the room, I led you with one hand part of the way out in to the room.

And let go.

You didn't hesitate for an instant. With one big step, you walked to your mommy. You giggled; mommy cried; daddy breathed one big sigh of relief.

You'll take other big steps in your lifetime - in to a pool, on a baseball field, graduation, etc. There will only be one that will be any bigger than this moment you just shared with us - the day you walk down the aisle of the church to give your life to Christ. There will be many so called baby steps to that point - Sunday School, Big church, VBS, praying each night. But that one first step out in to the aisle... that's the big one. There's more to that step than just movement. It's a sign to everybody that you are choosing to live your life for the One who gave His for all of us. And that's the step we'll be waiting on.

Loves my Pork Chop,
Daddy

As the idiot walks

2009-03-31T21:34:00.003-04:00

So there I was (because that's how all good redneck-in-peril stories begin... and yes, this is almost a redneck-in-peril story). Sitting in my hotel room in grand ol' Baltimore, looking down upon the city from almost top of the Tremont Plaza. It was 5 o'clock, and the streets were more backed up than the line at the beer stand for a Baptist picnic. What's a pudgy, suburban house-dad to do?

Donning my trusty Cabela's parka and SPSU sock hat, I hit by the "attractions" kiosk in the lobby to figure out where to head. I figure, can't go wrong with the Inner Harbor, center of most things civilized (read: it has a Barnes and Noble and a Starbucks). Now, gentle reader, do note that there is a... err, note on this machine that clearly states "walking directions." This is where things start to get interesting.

I head out the door and start to follow the printout, taking note of the various sites I see. I left, right, left to Baltimore St, then South St... and then I notice them. Trucks. Lots of them. Big ones, too.

Loaded in the back of the first truck: SWAT vests, body armor, boots. All marked Baltimore PD. Cool, I think; I'm in the safest part of the city right now.

More truck stuff, including lights - BIG lights. Like Batman without the symbol. I sneak a peek to my right as I approach an intersection - completely blocked off by one of the jerks with the trucks - and see a wall of cars one behind the other. But.. it's quiet. My eyes drift up and just as I see the camera...

"Quiet on the set!" Ohhhh did things get quiet - even the crickets were quiet.
"Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah take 32! Click!"
"Action!"

Pandemonium. Horns blaring. People come out of nowhere walking the roped off street block that I just wandered in to!!! I'm on a movie set, folks!

Only the camera wasn't even close to pointing at me. Oh, well.

But, it's for the children!

2009-03-02T17:06:00.002-05:00

A Garland, TX mom is the latest victim of PSH - that's pants-pooping-hysteria - when her precious little one brought home a coloring book from the NRA's Eddie Eagle program that contained - now brace yourselves - pictures with guns. Oh, the horror!

"Not only do I think it's inappropriate to provide this information to my 5-year-old, but this is a program published by the NRA," said Nicola Howe, Samone's mother.

The coloring book includes illustrations of handguns and rifles.

"Having pictures of guns that children color in I think is sending the wrong message," said Howe.

The book is called Gun Safety with Eddie Eagle and it's published by the NRA. It's part of the Garland Independent School District's Health and Safety Curriculum.

"If a student comes across a weapon, they're supposed to stop, don't touch the weapon and then run away and tell an adult. Those are the parts that are taught," said Reavis Wortham with Garland I.S.D.

Howe doesn't see it as deterrent. She believes it only encourages curiosity.

"At 5 years old, anytime you tell a child not to touch something, that's exactly what they do. It's in their nature to be curious and to touch and handle things," said Howe.

Samone attends kindergarten at Sewell Elementary School. Not only did she get a coloring book, but her class also watched a video featuring Eddie Eagle.

"Gun ownership, control and safety are hot topics as well. It just simply has no place in our school systems," said Howe.

Yes, Mrs. Howe - a 5 year old is naturally curious. For that matter, so is a 10 year old, 15 year old, and... well a 35 year old. And there are other things far more instantaneously dangerous to the touch than an evil, vile gun. Do you also scoff at coloring books with pictures of bathtubs or swimming pools, the second leading cause of unintentional child deaths in 2003? For that matter, I sincerely hope you keep your precious little one away from cars, which kill more kids each year than anything else man could devise.

Oh, that's right - swimming pools and mommy's Caddy aren't "hot topics."

The Topless Coffee Cafe

2009-02-25T17:45:00.002-05:00

I'm sorry. No, I mean it. I'm reeeaaalllly sorry. I've tried to ignore this. I honestly have. I've even tried to ignore my blog. Alas, to no avail. Comments on:

Cup size (heh-heh, heh-heh...) has more than one meaning at a new central Maine coffeehouse. Servers are topless at the Grand View Topless Coffee Shop (and what a grand view it is), which opened its doors Monday on a busy road in Vassalboro (busy road you say? Must have something eye-catching on that street). A sign outside says, "Over 18 only." Another says, "No cameras, no touching, cash only." (where's the fun in that?)

On Tuesday, two men sipped coffee at a booth while three topless waitresses and a bare-chested waiter (that there's just false advertising) stood nearby. Topless waitress Susie Wiley said men, women (with men) and couples (of men) have stopped by.

The coffee shop raised the ire of dozens of residents when it went before the town planning board last month (perhaps the only way to properly combat this is bottomless?). Town officials said the coffee shop met the letter of the law (which letter? B? C? DD?).

Lord I apologize. Bless all the pygmies down in New Guinea.

Do the right thing

2009-02-24T20:06:00.002-05:00

Tissue warning:

The coach never considered any other option.

It didn't matter that his DeKalb, Ill., High School basketball team had ridden a bus two and a half hours to get to Milwaukee, then waited another hour past game time to play. Didn't matter that the game was close, or that this was a chance to beat a big city team.

Something else was on Dave Rohlman's mind when he asked for a volunteer to shoot two free throws awarded his team on a technical foul in the second quarter. His senior captain raised his hand, ready to go to the line as he had many times before.

Only this time it was different.

"You realize you're going to miss them, don't you?" Rohlman said.

Darius McNeal nodded his head. He understood what had to be done.

Hours earlier, the mother of Milwaukee Madison senior captain Johntel Franklin died at a local hospital. Carlitha Franklin had been in remission after a five-year fight with cervical cancer, but she began to hemorrhage that morning while Johntel was taking his college ACT exam.

Her son and several of his teammates were at the hospital late that afternoon when the decision was made to turn off the life-support system. Carlitha Franklin was just 39.

"She was young and they were real close," said Milwaukee coach Aaron Womack Jr., who was at the hospital. "He was very distraught and it happened so suddenly he didn't have time to grieve."

Womack was going to cancel the game, but Franklin told him he wanted the team to play. And play they did, even though the game started late and Milwaukee Madison dressed only eight players.

Early in the second quarter, Womack saw someone out of the corner of his eye. It was Franklin, who came there directly from the hospital to root his teammates on.

The Knights had possession, so Womack called a time out. His players went over and hugged their grieving teammate. Fans came out of the stands to do the same.

"We got back to playing the game and I asked if he wanted to come and sit on the bench," Womack said during a telephone interview.

"No," Franklin replied. "I want to play."

There was just one problem. Since Franklin wasn't on the pre-game roster, putting him in meant drawing a technical foul that would give DeKalb two free throws.

Though it was a tight game, Womack was willing to give up the two points. It was more important to help his senior guard and co-captain deal with his grief by playing.

Over on the other bench, though, Rohlman wasn't so willing to take them. He told the referees to forget the technical and just let Franklin play.

"I could hear them arguing for five to seven minutes, saying, `We're not taking it, we're not taking it," Womack said. "The refs told them, no, that's the rule. You have to take them."

That's when Rohlman asked for volunteers, and McNeal's hand went up.

He went alone to the free throw line, dribbled the ball a couple of times, and looked at the rim.

His first attempt went about two feet, bouncing a couple of times as it rolled toward the end line. The second barely left his hand.

It didn't take long for the Milwaukee players to figure out what was going on.

They stood and turned toward the DeKalb bench and started applauding the gesture of sportsmanship. Soon, so did everybody in the stands.

"I did it for the guy who lost his mom," McNeal told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel. "It was the right thing to do."

Story

Women Drivers

2009-02-11T16:23:00.002-05:00

Note: the author of this blog is not saying anything. Neither am I implying anything. I just let the video stand on it's own.

Now batting... Lil' MD

2008-12-31T21:52:00.004-05:00

“You’ve created a monster – you know that, right?” (El Opinionated Woodbutcher, aka my brother-in-law)

Many years ago, my darling little wifey-pooh was the quintessential Southern Belle - always prim and proper, never a cross word, and definitely not a confrontational person in the least. Three years of ~~chasing~~ dating, a year of ~~enslavement~~ engagement, and nearly ten years of ~~yardwork~~ marriage have changed a girl. She’ll throw down with Hulk Hogan or Doc Holiday if they get cross with her. Or another person telling her something ‘bout her child.

Time to unleash the beast.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. Making her blogging debut, the Sultan of Spit-up, the Duchess of Diapers, the Princess of Poo... the one and only – as far as she knows – Mrs. Misawa herself, Lil’ MD...

Being a new mommy has changed my world inside and out for the best and I am still in awe that God has blessed us with this journey. Every day is a new adventure and I love experiencing life again through the eyes of my child.

That said, I have a particular problem with people - whether they are a part of the parenthood or not - that know a better way to raise your child and decide that you need to know it.

Since our little 8-month old “Pork Chop” - as Misawa has nicknamed him. I prefer “Baby Bear”, or “Love Bug” but I can understand why he would need a masculine nickname from Daddy - was born back in April I have noticed that not only do people like to give you advice while you’re pregnant but boy does Pandora’s box open when the child actually arrives. Here are some of the comments I’ve received:
You know what they say about babies that skip crawling don’t you? They become developmentally delayed.
As my hubby would say – bullbutter. This scenario came about because Pork Chop has recently shown an interest in walking but not in crawling. There are plenty of children that have developed just fine by skipping the crawling phase. Most pediatricians don’t even consider it a developmental milestone anymore. In fact, most studies conclude that kids crawl later nowadays due to the Back-to-sleep campaign – more time spent on the back equals... well figure it out for yourself. If my boy is not interested in crawling and just wants to chase the cat by rolling after him, so be it. I think it shows creative problem-solving skills.
I should write you a manual on how to raise a child.
This statement has come to me several times from a dear friend of mine. I love her but I think its time to say enough is enough. Just because you have more children doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m doing. I may have never been a mommy before Pork Chop, but I am now and know my baby more than anyone else. Here’s the ironic part... that same friend told me later she wished her two children were as laid back as mine. How ‘bout them apples?
I don’t see how putting your infant in front of the TV before going to bed will make any difference on how he sleeps. It wasn’t a problem for my children.
When Pork Chop was around 3 months old, Misawa and I didn’t want him watching TV after 5pm because it stimulated him and kept him from sleeping at night. We had someone tell us that idea was crazy and that TV was never an issue for her children. My answer is – GREAT – I’m glad it didn’t bother your children but it does mine. Now that same person is amazed that we can put Pork Chop to bed at 7pm and he’ll sleep until 7am (most of the time).
In summary, I just wanted to share my thoughts on people sharing their opinions that ought not to. Just because I raise my child differently doesn’t mean its wrong. Every baby is different. Even if you do know more be sensitive and understand that your way may not be the only way. Also, if you refer to "they" when giving advice but don’t remember all the facts, don’t mention it at all unless you can back it up. New moms [and dads] have enough worries to deal with.

Misawa and I have another name for parenthood: crisis management. Parenting isn’t easy but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Thanks for listening. Have a blessed and Happy New Year!
Lil’ MD

Change? Really?!

2008-12-26T08:27:00.002-05:00

John Stossel with a dead-on assessment of our new President's ideas for "changing" our economy:

So they will "transform our economy." Obama's nearly trillion-dollar plan will not merely repair bridges, fill potholes and fix up schools; it will also impose a Utopian vision based on the belief that an economy is a thing to be planned from above. But this is an arrogant conceit. No one can possibly know enough to redesign something as complex as "an economy," which really is people engaging in exchanges to achieve their goals. Planning it means planning them.

Read the rest of Arrogant Conceit here.

100 things

2008-12-13T10:27:00.003-05:00

Generally, I don't care for these, but... oh, what the hay!

1. Started your own blog. Uhh, duh?
2. Slept under the stars. Thank you RA camp.
3. Played in a band. Bass, backup guitar, the 88's, and some vocals.
4. Visited Hawaii.
5. Watched a meteor shower. Still do this anytime I can.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity.
7. Been to Disneyland.
8. Climbed a mountain. Does climbing out of Talulah Gorge count?
9. Held a praying mantis.
10. Sang a solo. More times than I probably should.
11. Bungee jumped. No, but this is so on my bucket list.
12. Visited Paris. No - and my gosh why???
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch. I'm an origami swami.
15. Adopted a child.
16. Had food poisoning.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty.
18. Grown your own vegetables.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France.
20. Slept on an overnight train.
21. Had a pillow fight.
22. Hitch hiked. Thanks to a guy that got us stuck in the mud while finding a fishing hole.
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill.
24. Built a snow fort. Thank you blizzard of 93.
25. Held a lamb.
26. Gone skinny dipping. With my natural furry g-string? Heck no!
27. Run a Marathon.
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice.
29. Seen a total eclipse. Elementary school.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset.
31. Hit a home run. If inside the park counts, then yes. No over the fence homers - yet.
32. Been on a cruise. If you answer yes to this and no to 30, something's wrong with you.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors. Most of them, actually.
35. Seen an Amish community.
36. Taught yourself a new language.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person.
39. Gone rock (wall) climbing.
40. Seen Michelangelo's David.
41. Sung karaoke. And given all my musical training and abilities, how did I do? Lousy.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt.
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant.
44. Visited Africa.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight. Oh yeah...
46. Been transported in an ambulance. Rode with my grandmother.
47. Had your portrait painted / drawn. Do the caricatures at Six Flags count?
48. Gone deep sea fishing. I don't think 10 ft off the coast of Steinhatchee counts.
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person.
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling. Bahamas and Grand Cayman island.
52. Kissed in the rain. Drug the wife outside during a real frog-strangler. Darned near turned in to skinny-dipping...
53. Played in the mud. Uhh, duh? I'm a boy!
54. Gone to a drive-in theater. Actually watched the movie... and fogged up the windows!
55. Been in a movie. Had a real chance at this one. Our high school band was invited to be in a movie set the 60s... which meant we would have had to separate in to white and colored bands. Decided it just wasn't worth it.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China. I'm guessing Google Earth doesn't count.
57. Started a business. Working on this one...
58. Taken a martial arts class. Aikido.
59. Visited Russia. Really - no Google Earth love?
60. Served at a soup kitchen.
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies. I can't believe I've done this. Sister was a Girl Scout.
62. Gone whale watching. There's a cruel joke in here somewhere about an ex-girlfriend...
63. Got flowers for no reason. Received? No. Given, yep.
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma.
65. Gone sky diving. On the bucket list.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp.
67. Bounced a check.
68. Flown in a helicopter.
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy. Star Wars and Transformers.
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial.
71. Eaten Caviar. Bleh!
72. Pieced a quilt. Granny recruited me.
73. Stood in Times Square. Much cooler in real life than on TV.
74. Toured the Everglades.
75. Been fired from a job.
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London.
77. Broken a bone. Pinky finger and maybe a rib.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person.
80. Published a book.
81. Visited the Vatican.
82. Bought a brand new car. 2000 Honda Civic.
83. Walked in Jerusalem.
84. Had your picture in the newspaper.
85. Read the entire Bible. I don't know that I've ever done the "read the Bible straight through" thing, but I know I've read every book in the Bible at sometime or another.
86. Visited the White House.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
88. Had chickenpox. Totally and completely sucked.
89. Saved someone’s life. Physically? No. Spiritually? I think (hope) so.
90. Sat on a jury.
91. Met someone famous. Chipper Jones, Mark Wohlers, Steve Bartkowski, Billy "White-Shoe" Johnson.
92. Joined a book club.
93. Lost a loved one. Dad.
94. Had a baby. Well, I yelled "Push!" Had a little something to do with the conception, too.
95. Seen the Alamo in person.
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake.
97. Been involved in a law suit.
98. Owned a cell phone.
99. Been stung by a bee.
100. Read an entire book in one day.

No smoking!

2008-11-30T12:23:00.002-05:00

What starts out as a simple story of self-defense in the home...

A would-be burglar who'd been scared off from one house by a 70-year-old woman found himself a few minutes later staring down the wrong end of a shotgun at another, police say.

And before the sun rose Sunday, Joshuah Scott Rutledge probably figured out that this northern Gaston County town wasn't ripe for the picking.

Rutledge, 26, of Oakboro was reportedly climbing through a bathroom window of a woman's home on the 3500 block of N.C. 27 in Stanley at 4:30 a.m. Sunday when the woman, who'd had her 70th birthday the week before, spotted him and scared him away before he could get inside.

He then apparently went to a house across the street off N.C. 27 on Watts Street, this time making it inside.

But once inside he found himself staring at Richard Osborne and an old shotgun that his wife's grandfather had once used to slaughter hogs. Whether the gun would still fire a shot remains in question.

Rutledge had pulled a bedspread down to cover him as he lay in the floor in a guest bedroom, Phyllis Osborne said.

But the couple could see his knuckles poking out.

"We told him, ‘If you don't come out we're going to blow your brains out,'" Phyllis Osborne said Monday. "We had to say it three times, but then he jumped up and said, ‘I'm in the wrong house. I'm in the wrong house.'"

At first Rutledge insisted he'd come to the house looking for a friend. Then he said he was there to meet the Osborne's daughter, whom he claimed to have met on the Internet.

But the Osborne's only daughter lives in Georgia, married to a law enforcement officer.

"I wasn't scared, I was mad," Richard Osborne said. "I was mad because he scared my wife."

The Osbornes have been married 30-plus years. He has a little trouble hearing, she can hear a squirrel walking across the roof.

When she heard something Sunday morning she knew someone had entered their home. Even after a quick lookaround produced nothing, she said she was sure something wasn't right.

Richard Osborne then saw the bedspread pulled down from the bed. Phyllis Osborne keeps an impeccable house.

"I'm very particular," Phyllis Osborne said. "My bed has to be made. Not a wrinkle in it."

Rutledge answered Mrs. Osborne with "Yes, mam," and "No, mam,'" she said.

Mr. Osborne had to punch him once and hit him twice with the gun. One strike with the gun came when Rutledge insisted on lighting up a cigarette while waiting on police to arrive, he said.

Since becoming fatherly, I have noticed that anytime I'm out with my son and come across puffing addicts, the words that come to my mind are something along the lines "freaking smokers" - usually not quite that nice. However, in keeping with my (sometimes) mentality of "facta, non verba", I think I like the idea of a shotgun stock to the side of the coconut.

When you come to a fork in the floor...

2008-11-16T00:00:00.003-05:00

While I'm on the subject of bad customer service, I need to give a rather loud "Huh?" to some of the situations I've encountered recently while eating out. I was at a restaurant where, for one reason or another, there was a fork on the floor. Now I don't know about the sandbox where these people lived, but in my house, if there's an eating utensil on the floor, you pick it up. So you can imagine my astonishment when not one, not two, not even three, but four members of the waitstaff walk by it, acknowledge it by looking down, and just keep right on going. Two of the four even kicked it, and still did nothing about it - our waiter included. Finally a young lady walks from the other end of the restaurant picks up the thing, and takes it to the back.

The other situations all revolve around one thing - the waiter/kitchen staff messing up an order. A handful of times in the past weeks something ordered isn't brought out right (or at all). On at least three of these occasions, our waiter has disappeared after this, never gracing our table again with his presence, sending the busboy over to clean off empty plates and do refills; twice, the waitress has accepted the food back, yet never apologized; and on at least one oh-so-memorable occasion, the waiter plopped the wrong order down in the middle of our table (despite being told nobody ordered that) and just walked off mumbling what sounded like "somebody f*%&ing ordered it."

My final words of whine are more general in nature and deal with one rather annoying aspect of eating out with large groups - the automatic gratuity. What makes the restaurants think that just because we're in a group greater than 6/8/10/12 their server is automatically deserving of a tip? Mind you, I seldom leave anything less than 15% - 20% is the norm - and rarely have left anything at 10% or below. It just rankles me when I'm at a place with a big group and have a server who is so inattentive that the entire table's drinks are empty, yet I know they're going to pad their wallet that night with the automatic 18% gratuity added on.

Get Satisfaction

2008-11-15T23:24:00.002-05:00

This was originally going to be a very different post. I had initially intended to use my little postage stamp corner of digital real-estate to take Snapfish.com to the woodshed with a 50 oz. Louisville Slugger. To shorten a lengthy story, my wife ordered something using a coupon and through a glitch in their system, the coupon didn't show up in checkout. So she contacted customer (no) service to get them to correct the amount charged her card. Their reply? No. Nope. No way. No how. Too bad.

So off to the internetz I went in search of a way to bring happiness to my humble home. Which led me to this gem of a site - GetSatisfaction.com. Instead of a website dedicated to collecting customer gripes and displaying them for all to see, they collect customer gripes... and the companies actually answer them. And in some cases, fix the problem or at least offer an amiable explanation.

So a thumbs down to Snapfish for their customer service on email and call-in center, but a huge thumbs-up for registering a couple of their guys who actually know what they're doing and take their job seriously.

On the new President...

2008-11-05T08:51:00.001-05:00

O Crap.

Caveat emptor

2008-11-03T20:55:00.003-05:00

Nebraska, the next frontier in gubment idiocy, has enacted a law that allows parents who no longer want their children to get rid of them:

Nebraska was the last state to enact a safe-haven law, which is intended to protect unwanted newborns from being abandoned. Some have interpreted the state's law to mean children as old as 18 can be abandoned because it uses the word "child" and doesn't include an age limit.

Health and Human Services officials, however, say they will not take in any children older than 17.

The Legislature plans to tackle the issue at a special session on Nov. 14. Speaker of the Legislature Mike Flood said he'll introduce a bill establishing a 3-day-old age limit.

Well it's good to know the legislature feels a little bit of urgency on this matter. So much so that it's taking them another 11 days!!!

So let me see if I get this right - under the current law, you can drop off your bratty teenager; however, under the current law, the "try-before-you-buy" thing lasts til they're three. Is there a place for kids to take their stupid parents to when they've become too much of a... oh, wait... nursing homes...

Let's catch up

2008-10-28T16:19:00.001-04:00

Now that the gas is flowing like booze at a Catholic picnic, it's time to get back to this blog-thing. I've been working long hours and traveling a bit since my last meaningful entry (I'll let you decide when that really was).

Pork Chop is doing quite well for himself. He's already developed quite the reputation for being a ladies' man, smiling and drooling all over himself when the fairer sex comes around. You should see him at Hooters.

He checks in at a hefty 18.5 lbs, and it's all baby fat. Despite my best attempts, he still has a head of hair. He's moved on to sweet potatoes now (which he loves) after a rocky start with squash (which we convinced him that he loves).

The poo. Ohhhhhh, the poo. [shiver]

Momma (aka Lilmd) is working at the church's daycare four mornings a week and taking our lil' chubby buddy along with her. She promises me on a regular basis that she doesn't look in on him. Much.

As for me, I've been a working fool - emphasis on whichever part floats your freighter. I did, however, find the time to skedaddle down to the Gulf and help relieve them of their fish-overpopulation (sorry, Gordon - we were pushed for time).

And it's in that vein that I leave you with this little joke (told on the boat by my father-in-law):

There was once this woman that sold bait in a little fishing village. Every morning she'd walk out to the tent beside the road and leave some more worms and post a sign - "Cup of worms for $5." She'd then come back up to her house and go on about her day, returning in the evening to collect the day's dues - which were always exactly what they needed to be.

One day a man stopped her and asked, "How do you trust these folks to do the right thing and not walk off with everything you have out here?"

She turned and smiled at the man; "Because they're liars, not thieves."

Bear with me...

2008-10-09T22:40:00.001-04:00

Work's been busy. Real busy.

Good dog

2008-09-11T17:05:00.001-04:00

Tissue warning now:

Omar Eduardo Rivera, who is blind, worked as a computer technician on the 71st floor of the World Trade Center until September 11, 2001. On that fateful morning, Rivera was at his job with Dorado, his four year old Labrador Retriever. When the two hijacked airliners smashed into the twin towers, Rivera had to make a loving and humane choice.

"I stood up and I could hear how pieces of glass were flying around and falling. I could feel the smoke filling up my lungs and the heat was just unbearable," he says.

"Not having any sight I knew I wouldn't be able to run down the stairs and through all the obstacles like other people. I was resigned to dying and decided to free Dorado to give him a chance of escape. It wasn't fair that we should both die in that hell.

"I thought I was lost forever. The noise and the heat were terrifying, but I had to give Dorado the chance of escape. So I unclipped his lead, ruffled his head, gave him a nudge and ordered Dorado to go."

Dorado was swept away by the crowds of people fleeing the chaotic inferno. But in the hellish searing pandemonium, the dog fought his way back to his master. Having accepted that he would die, Rivera felt the animal at his side. Then through dark stairwells in a descent that stretched out over an hour, with terrified people shoving past them, Dorado guided his charge to safety.

H/t: Xavier

So long, my couch potato pal...

2008-09-08T10:34:00.004-04:00

We lost one of the star attractions to our zoo yesterday. Popsicle, our larger than life kitty, was put to rest. He had a major buildup of fluid around his heart that was crushing his lungs, most likely attributed to some manner of heart disease or even a return of cancer. Either way, he was facing only a few months at best, most likely just miserable days.

He was the quintessential lap-and-a-half cat, so large that regardless the size of your thunder thighs, he'd still end up spilling his caboose out of your lap. His purring motor would cause a Hemi to throw a valve, and could often be heard from a couple of rooms away. In his prime he tipped the scales at 22 lbs., and he knew it - instead of running from the dog, he tossed out an anchor and would open up a wide-mouth can of cotton-swab whoopass (read: no claws) on any part of Jesse the Longnosed Slobbery Tyrant that got within striking distance.

As you might expect, the highlight of his day was eating. A vet at one time told us he did have a thyroid condition (no, really, he did!), but even once that cleared up he could out-eat ~~my pregnant wife~~ me every day of the week and twice on Sunday. Most days he would shove his brother to the side to help him finish his portion, before returning to his bowl to finish his own.

Finally, he was our million dollar cat, figuratively and almost quite literally:

Four trips to the vet opthamologist for a lacerated cornea from fighting with his brother.
A couple nights stay at the vet's office where they gave him two enemas and he still didn't poop til they gave him a third one and sent him home with us!
A thyroid condition that increased his appetite and decreased his fur.
A cancerous lump on the back of his neck. Made him look like a camel.
Unknown amounts of presents.
Repeated attempts by me to turn him in to Mr. Bigglesworth.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'll miss him.

From Our zoo

Oblivions III: The Blue Fool Group

2008-09-02T16:27:00.001-04:00

You're stopping by the grocery store or grabbing a bite to eat at your local choke-n-puke and you come upon a person talking out loud. Noticing that nobody else is around you, you start to think this person is talking to you - and suddenly you realize that you really weren't paying attention. How rude.

So you make eye contact, raise your eyebrows, nod your head, turn an ear, maybe even utter a "Sorry, didn't hear you," or "Say again."

And then you see it - the trance-inducing blue circle emanating from some sort of ear bud either burrowed into the ear canal like a mole in a pea patch or looped around the ear like a monkey looking for a banana. These little wireless pieces of techno-gadgetry, named after a Danish King, are a sure sign that you've met the newest member of the Oblivions - the Blue Fool Group.

Like their close relatives the Obliviots (fourth cousins by marriage, removed as many times as physically possible), the Blue Fools aren't completely Oblivions. Most have the ability, when not chained to the collective hive, to function in society in a normal fashion. They just get jacked up when they jack in, unable to sense that people around them could care two beans about the deal following through, Aunt Myrtle's girdle, or how your best friend's girlfriend was seen swapping spit with the lawnmower man last Friday night.

While I admit they're quite the handy little dooflotchies, do you really want that much of your personal business blabbed about the market/restaurant/mall? Even if you do, be warned that on any given day, I might do this to you:

Family pics

2008-08-29T09:44:00.002-04:00

Part 1, from birth to 2 mos...

Part 2, from 2 mos on.

Get'em Granny!

2008-08-20T20:20:00.000-04:00

You just know I couldn't pass this story up:

An 85-year-old woman boldly went for her gun and busted a would-be burglar inside her home, then forced him to call police while she kept him in her sights, authorities said.

“I just walked right on past him to the bedroom and got my gun,” Leda Smith said.

Smith heard someone break into her home Sunday afternoon and grabbed the .22-caliber revolver she had been keeping by her bed since a neighbor’s home was burglarized a few weeks ago.

“I said ‘What are you doing in my house?’ He just kept saying he didn’t do it,” Smith said.

After the 17-year-old boy called 911, Smith kept holding the gun on him until state police arrived at her home in Springhill Township, about 45 miles south of Pittsburgh.

Could you imagine being the 911 operator taking this call?

My take: The Dark Knight

2008-07-22T22:50:00.002-04:00

"I am an agent of chaos."
-- The Joker

The Dark Knight begins with Batman still going after the criminal underworld of Gotham, and making great strides. Along comes The Joker, a psychotic sort bent on changing that. Played perfectly by the late Heath Ledger in a role not only deserving of an Oscar, but a performance that sets a new benchmark for true villains, the Joker sets out on his mission of restoring criminals to being, well, criminal.

What plays out is a dance of death that is as disturbing as it is entertaining. I'm leaving this review short to avoid spoiling the movie for any of you, but I do have a word of caution. This is a hard PG-13 movie. There's a good bit of violence and death, and the intensity could be too much for some kids. If you're thinking about taking kids to this one, screen it first - especially if they're under 13.

I am Charles Bronson

2008-07-17T14:27:00.001-04:00

What Kind of a Western Hero are You?
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Charles Bronson

You're normally peaceful and friendly, but when trouble strikes you respond with brutal vengeance. And despite having a face like a bashed crab, your sensitive soul helps win over ladies way above you appearance wise.

Just your garden-variety, public school-going-to-hell-in-a-handbacket story

2008-06-26T16:34:00.003-04:00

Saying their son was "silenced" by his teacher for talking about hunting in the classroom, the parents of a fourth-grade student at North Bennington Graded School took their son out of school and have taken their case to the local school board.

Bordwell [the boy's mother] said that, during snack time, Jared was discussing the recent spring turkey hunting season with a classmate when Backus interrupted the conversation, insisting that there be no talk of "killing" in her classroom.

Reached through a relative, Backus declined to comment.

Yeah, I think I'd decline to talk about it, too, considering how she reacted:

"Jared's teacher covered her ears, trying to block the conversation, and singing 'la la la la.' When asked by another school employee about her odd behavior, the teacher claimed she did not want to hear about the boys and their 'killing.' The boys were left feeling that they were not legitimate hunters, but 'killers' in the eyes of an important authority figure in their lives," Bordwell said.

Bordwell said that after the incident at school, Jared's father approached Backus, questioning the teacher about her "reprimand" of his son.

"The confrontation ended with Ms. Backus demanding that Marty leave the classroom, screeching, 'I went hiking this weekend and saw a moose and a bear, and I will never tell you where they are because you might kill them," Bordwell said.

Just what does the school principal have to say about all of this?

School Principal Thomas Martin said he is confident the administration and the school board "can reach a reasonable understanding" among the parties involved in the matter.

"It's not a huge issue," Martin said in an interview. "Marty is a good kid and Kathleen is a good teacher. The focus is on the kid. We want to try to meet his needs. Kathy cares a great deal about kids. She's troubled a great deal about this."

Martin said the issue is neither "black and white or right and wrong. It's more complicated than that. It's brushing up against a number of things that are important to a lot of people and issues relating to the classroom. Emotions start to feed into it when people's belief systems come into play," he said.

Martin said he would not support any move that would inhibit conversations about any student's hobby, "as long as it is in the parameters of good taste."

With all due respect to Principal Martin, this teacher should be fired, fired, fired. I didn't even get in to the stories about him potentially being singled out by her, but even without that - how can she be considered a good teacher? I'm of the opinion that this is more fallout from zero tolerance nonsense - this principal doesn't have what it takes to make a decision here and there's no policy dictating what his action should be.

Link to the story.

Now batting

2008-06-23T07:02:00.002-04:00

My buddy jrazz has invited me to join his blogdom, so from time to time I'll be pinch-hitting over there. Today is the first post, titled "Whither the 17 corpses?"

In all the commotion and teeth-gnashing of the 17 Gloucester girls who were willingly inseminated - supposedly half of which had a "pact" to do so - I wonder where are the 17 men? At least, I hope it's 17 men. B-O

In my day, when my natural flock of seagulls was righteous and the dames were actually embarrassed if they exposed their underwear, there was one such guy who went missing shortly before the whole school found out he and his girl had been making the beast with two backs in the back of daddy's Caddie. Something about a moose hunt in Georgia gone bad.

So far one of the 17 dipsticks has been identified as a mid-twenties urban outdoors-man. Most of the other donors are assumed to be "over-the-age."

My questions:
-Have there been reports in the area of 17 sudden homicides/kidnappings/beatings?
-Is it possible for these men to run faster than 2855 ft/sec?
-Thoughts on castration?