Barry's Beef

Beef Discontinued

2007-07-30T21:30:00.000-12:00

The passing of Mike Reid and Shambo serve as the last straws, I'll leave you with my favourite two posts:

The Bobby George Interview

and the Lieutenant Gruber Interview that took the world by storm

It's been fun, but I'm now off to become a teacher. See you.

The reason behind Sven's failure as England manager becomes apparent

2007-07-18T02:38:00.001-12:00

You can't play Brazilians, Swiss or Italians in your national team.

The new and improved safe, reliable and comfortable...escalator?

2007-07-18T02:24:00.000-12:00

It's a fucking escalator. Just get it working. How much money has been splaffed up the wall in the making and maintenance of Portcullis House? I mean how many times does one or tother of the kitchen's functions break down? I did like the recent return to paper plates. What with the furore of Lords getting passes for lobbyists and the massive impression this can make on clients, perhaps the national media should shift her attention to where the poor sup could actually go.
There are the non-functioning toilets, the escalator that doesn't escalator (not forgetting the lifts that do not lift) or my personal favourite the trays in the Debate that are practically welded together.

Labour: the Party of Keir Hardie, Quentin Davies and Digby Jones

2007-07-12T01:31:00.000-12:00

Suffice to say the lack of blogging here recently has, in part, been due to the Labour Party deciding to become a National Government. Some have rejoiced (no, really) about Quentin Davies defecting, like it's anything for Labour to be proud of. I mean he's not Labour. And Digby Jones?
I'd say I was surprised, but I am yet to get over my disgust.

Get Well Soon

2007-06-19T09:22:00.000-12:00

Here's wishing John Bardon, aka Eastenders' Jim Branning a swift recovery after suffering a stroke.

Turning Nice Girls Naughty and Nice Guys Stupid

2007-06-14T22:09:00.000-12:00

Always brave and ready for change, I got this new Lynx deoderant. Turns nice girls naughty? Wowsers! I'll admit that it wasn't having the desired effect. I walked around much the same as ever without women throwing themselves at me and proclaiming their unbounding lust. The mechanism on this deoderant is annoying, in fact the constant evolution of the spray mechanism on deoderant cans is a bugbear to me. What is wrong with simply pressing down I ask you? Alas, the gods of marketing think otherwise. Anyway, this one is a screw to the right and then press down jobby. After a few goes the can got fucked, in that half the deoderant came out as normal and half kind of trickled down my hand. So I took the lid off it and saw that if I manually put on the plastic...thingy and pressed it'd all be fine. Yet, one morning I managed to put the plastic...thingy on and press at the same time thereby deoderising my eyes. Note to readers: don't ever do this, it stings like fuck.

Piggy bastards

2007-06-12T22:48:00.000-12:00

Today's the day when the Piggys come to Parliament. As you can see from this photograph, they've really turned out in force. That must be about 50, which makes it one of their bigest crowds this season. Please also note the dust-cart driving right past them, how very prophetic. Bunch of twats, fuck off back up the M1 and stop crying like whiny little bitches. Your team was rubbish and that's why you went down. And where are the other supporters? Where's Fulham? Middlesbrough? And Mr Fucking Big Gob himself: Dave Whelan? Is this was British democracy has been reduced to? Makes me sick.

Last night's TV

2007-06-12T22:12:00.000-12:00

The very definition of modern, televisual irony must be Amanda Holden and Piers Morgan on the show Britain's Got Talent, unless talent involves banging Bob the Builder or publishing wholly inaccurate pictures in a 'leading' UK tabloid.
Channel 4, above such frippery, offers us Big Brother with about a dozen Vicki Pollards yeh but no but yeh but no but yehing until the start crying. Channel 4 has two feasible choices:

1) Fake the death of one of the twins without telling anyone apart from the 'dead' twin. Remember: death equals ratings.

2) Cancel Big Brother, evict every last deviant and twat and buy back the rights to the cricket.

And then there was Derren Brown who, let's face it, is the man. The highlight was when he was describing this dude's dream and had predicted an old woman would figure. The guy said an old friend of the family, who had recently shuffled off this mortal coil, was present. He said her name was Mrs *bleep*. Now this confused me somewhat? Was it to protect her privacy in death, or was it that her surname was actually something rude like Cunt for instance. "Darling, old Mrs Cunt is coming round for dinner tonight"

Deputy Leadership suggestion

2007-06-12T01:22:00.001-12:00

With Tony Blair, our soon to be departed Prime minister, rumoured to be entering the Catholic church, it could well serve a purpose if the Labout Party adopted a bit of papal protocol. No, I don't mean tacitly approving of the Holocaust, but rather the billowing of smoke that signals that the conclave has decided on who the new Pope will be.
People will have noticed that the colour of this whole Leadership thingy has been purple. So if only the Labour Party could figure a way emitting purple smoke from 10 Downing Street? Well you could always feed the outgoing DPM some baked beans and then cast him outside, I supppose?

Chinese attempt to introduce child labour as an Olympic sport

2007-06-11T06:01:00.000-12:00

There really has been a load of old toss sprouted about the Olympics. I blogged on it a bit ago and still feel the same. Today, however, it comes to light that whatever faults the London 2012 organisational committee have, they're not resorting to underhand tactics like our Chinese Comrades.

I can see the slogan now:

London 2012
Beijing 20 08 year olds working 20 hour shifts making all the merchandise

I should work in marketing

Down and Out in Paris and London

2007-06-06T23:08:00.000-12:00

The euphoria of London winning the Olympics is a thing of the past. It's costing too much, it's only going to benefit London, my Council Tax is going to go up, Britain will win fuck all, robbing Lottery funding from charity, responsible for the spread of Aids/Cancer/Whooping Cough...I've heard it all, and largely I've ignored them. I still laugh at us sticking one over the French, but Jesus H. Christ, what the shitting hell is that logo? I once blogged on the ridiculous, Goleo mascot for the German World Cup* and was worried that the mascot appeared to be wearing no trousers and have no...bits, however it didn't look like Lisa Simpson blowing Bart (through rose-coloured spectacles obviously). And speaking of Bart, I would like to thank Parliament's very own Bart Simpson - no that's his chosen alias - for sending this delightful and accurate image.

* It's a really poorly written post, but is redeemed by Kerron's rant in the comments. Really toys out of the pram stuff. I'd totally forgotten, but it reaches nastiness levels normally reserved only for McDonnellites...

The Queen Vic

2007-06-01T04:07:00.000-12:00

As some of you may know, I will be leaving Parliament at some point soon and embarking on a new career in the teaching profession. Yes, it'll be Sir Barry to you. I hope to teach history and like to think that I already have a working knowledge of British History, for instance I know that Queen Victoria was named after a pub in the East End of London. What I didn't know, however, is that Queen Victoria was black. What you didn't either? Well, I saw this and asked the Count to take a snap-shot...AS PROOF. Well, it's a lesson I'll be sure to teach those kids: you live and you learn.

Predictions

2007-05-31T03:49:00.000-12:00

Before the season started I somewhat stupidly predicted who I thought would go up and go down. The result below demonstrate why I am not a betting bovine, aside from the odd game of poker.

Barry blogged:

Premiership:

Chelsea (champions)
Man Utd
Arsenal
Liverpool

Wigan (relegated)
Watford (relegated)
Sheffield United (relegated)

Ok, so not so bad here. The top 4 unsurprisingly was right, just in the wrong order. I think acceptable. As for relegation, well Watford went down quicker than Divine Brown whereas the Pigs gloriously went down on the last day of the season. Wigan survived by the skin of their teeth. I'll predict now: Wigan going down next year.

Barry blogged:

Championship:

West Brom (champions)
Birmingham
Southampton

QPR (relegated)
Colchester United (relegated)
Barnsley (relegated)

No accounting for the Baggies choking so bad. Birmingham did finish second and Southampton made the play-offs. I wrote this pre-Keane so don't feel bad about missing out Sunderland.
Colchester were the biggest surprise in English league football last season and having watched them trounce Wednesday 4-0 on a shitty Wednesday evening, I can testify that they're pretty good. QPR were rubbish and in John Gregory they have a hopeless manager. The highlight to their season was a mass brawl between their reserves and a load of Chinese players. They're just a small team in Fulham. Barnsley just about survived, although a last day 7-0 caning by West Brom bodes perfectly for next season.

Barry blogged:

League 1

Nottingham Forest (champions)
Swansea
Bradford

Millwall (relegated)
Cheltenham (relegated)
Rotherham (relegated)
Orient (relegated)

Forest chucked it away. They should have gone up automatically and then should have gone up through, or at the very least made the Final of, the Play Offs. Frankly, they should be ashamed. Swansea finished one spot out of the play-offs, but Bradford let me down big time. Crap for the whole season they went down comfortably.
Millwall's season picked up and they finished an encouraging 10th under the stewardship of ex-Wednesday #2, Willie Donachie. Cheltenham are useless and I'm surprised they survived but with Kayode Odejayi signing for Barnsley today, they'll be there or thereabouts at the bottom come next season. Orient were lucky to have 4 worse teams in the league. They finished 5th bottom. Poor Rotherham. The Dingles tried valiantly, got safe, got very safe and then lost and lost and lost and capitulated: a team in very real danger.

Barry blogged:

Swindon Town (champions)
MK Dons
Accrington Stanley
Darlington

Macclesfield (relegated)
Stockport (relegated)

Swindon went up thanks to ex-Owls supremo Paul Sturrock. A great man. MK Dons lost in the Play-Offs. Accrington were sadly dire and Darlington never got it going.
Macclesfield looked dead and buried, but Paul Ince lived up to his 'Guvnor' moniker and worked his magic. Stockport, perenially crap, flirted outrageously with the play-offs and Jim Gannon's team were unlucky in the end.

Proper Beats

2007-05-31T03:27:00.000-12:00

We all remember Eric Cantona doing a flying kick into the Palace end, but this one has a certain I don't know what that makes it incredibly immense. The closest thing to this I have ever seen on a football pitch would be when Toni Schumacher absolutely mangled that French substitute in the '82 World Cup. Anyway, enjoy.

Another Summer, another England Test Match Series

2007-05-24T21:17:00.000-12:00

We have all had our own experiences but, to my mind, there is no more a fickle mistress than the English cricket team. Today sees the start of the Second Test Match against the West Indies and after the First Test only two things emerged: English weather is still shit a characteristic shared by the bowling attack, Monty aside.
When Hoggard pulled up early doors, things looked glum for England. Paul Collingwood bowling second change? Hmmmmmm...maybe this attack is going to struggle to get 20 wickets. As it transpired they toiled away to get the 10 wickets they managed. With Hoggard out, you would have expected, ok crossed your fingers and hoped, that Steve Harmison and Liam Plunkett would step up to the plate, which to be fair they did. They just weren't successful. Between the two of them over both innings they bowled a combined 77 overs conceding 293 runs and taking 3 wickets. In the words of the greats, let's break it down: that's 77 overs at 3.8 runs per over, getting a wicket for every 97.66 runs conceded with a strike rate of one wickets every 154 balls, or 25.66 overs if you prefer metric.
Freddie is missed for sure, but without Monty we would have been in so much trouble against, well, it's not the most inspiring West Indies batting line-up. Yes, they boast Gayle, Sarwan and Chanderpaul but it's a long way short of Haynes, Greenidge, Richards, Richardson, Hooper, Lara and all those others who I have seen pulverise England in my formative years.
So what to do? Here's the tricky bit. Rumours that 'White Lightning' Allan Donald is to be the next England bowling coach are encouraging and show that the bowling is in desperate need of a shake-up. The age-old quest to find a bowler who can bat at number 8 (in England you'd be more likely to find the Holy Grail) has been ditched to finding bowlers who can 'bowl in the right places', 'in the corridor of uncertainty' or basically fast and straight.
The inclusion of Ryan Sidebottom, belatedly making his second English appearance, offers England someone who can bowl straight and is consistent, he is also a left-hander who will add variety to a samey attack and has experience of Headingley having come up through the Yorkshire youth system and into their first XI.
However, these problems are not only found in England. With Warne and McGrath retired along with the, as yet, last greats of world bowling: Ambrose and Walsh; Wasim and Waqar and Donald, there is only Murali, Shane Bond and probably Mohammed Asif left (Pollock, Kumble and Harbajhan aren't what they used to be). Batsmen should be filling their boots and they have: look at England. We have Strauss (test average 42.66), Cook (46.42), Vaughan (42.94), KP (50.50), Collingwood (44.58), Bell (45.52) with Trescothick at a measly 43.79 hopefully to return. I would play five batsmen with Freddie (32 with both bat and ball) at 6 and Matt Prior (147...really, ok after just one Test but still) at 7. Let's be modest then and say that the five batsmen will score 40 each (conservative estimation given that they all average higher than 40) and Freddie and Prior score 30 each. That'll give you 260 and hope that the last four can nurgle 40-odd. So this should be the bare minimmum an England side batting first should score. For the non-batting bowlers you'd have Hoggard and Monty and then who? How long does Harmison stay in the team on reputation? Will Plunkett and Mahmood ever be anything more than worryingly inconsistent? Will James Anderson ever be as wicked as he was when he first emerged on the scene? Will Sidebottom take his chance and stake his claim to a permanent spot? Is Stuart Broad as good as he looks? Will Simon Jones ever be fully fit again?
Basically, it is time for the batsmen to carry the bowlers: we need five bowlers so the batsmen have got to knuckle down and do their job. The bowling attacks are more playable than for the whole on the 1990s so come on England, score loads.

Ben Furber is my best mate, you can be too.

2007-05-18T22:29:00.000-12:00

A little known fact, but I love Ben Furber. For this reason. For plenty of other reasons look here.

Is Islam the answer?

2007-05-16T00:46:00.000-12:00

I'm not much one for theology and I can't say I have sleepness nights or anything, but is there a right religion? Are Jews the chosen people? Are all Sikhs descended from warriors? Do Hindus get reincarnated? Do Mormons in training get a suit allowance? Was Buddha really so tubby? These are the questions that have vexed our generation and all those before us, and dare I say will continue to perplex for the rest of humanity.
Yet this was emailed me by new Beef Source Dave, and it quite clearly puts things from a different angle. Well put it like that and I guess you're having the best of the argument thus far. But one issue I must take issue with: "The Western nation is one with a history of failure, and future of failure". No way man, what about iPods and Sky Plus? PS3 and Satellite Navigation? I'm also not 100% how a nation of modesty can so readily big itself up. But, as I say, I'm no theologist; suffice to say that there are some crazy folks out there.

Open question for all Deputy Leader hopefuls

2007-05-16T00:43:00.000-12:00

If I promise to vote for you as Deputy Leader, how low will you demote Patricia Hewitt? Yet another condescending and wholly inadequate performance from the Heatlh supremo.

Update on Colin

2007-05-16T00:41:00.000-12:00

Uber-Pig and total fuckwit, Neil Warnock has deserted the sinking ship, HMS Piggy Bastard. Whatever. One picture will serve fine. The look on the hapless goon's face: Yes Colin, an ex-Blunt sent you down and an ex-Wednesday manager is laughing at you in your sty.

Two assholes, one ring.

2007-05-14T23:36:00.000-12:00

I don't like George Galloway. I don't like John Gaunt. They hate each other. This piece that I have gratuitously lifted from the Independent was passed on to me my Big Johnny

New father Galloway throws down the gauntlet
By Oliver Duff
Published: 15 May 2007

Trouble brewing in the sweaty corridors of talkSPORT. Two of the radio station's presenters, the cat-impersonating MP George Galloway and the ranting Sun columnist Jon Gaunt loathe one another. Galloway says he has tired of Gaunt's goading and wants to shed the right-wing motorgob's blood.

"He called me a coward," says Galloway, once an amateur boxer in Dundee. "So I've thrown down the gauntlet to him: five rounds in [the Bethnal Green boxing venue] York Hall with a referee of his choice and proceeds to a charity of his choice."

The MP says he received a text message on Saturday from someone purporting to be Gaunt, "saying that he didn't like the [suggested] Queensbury rules and that he'd prefer a sumo wrestling contest". Galloway, who was last night "watching Raging Bull and shadow boxing in the corner", adds: "I'm going to chase that wee fat piggy."

Gaunt hid from my calls yesterday. He "despises" the Respect MP, dismissing him as an "anti-American, anti-British buffoon". Galloway, in turn, considers Gaunt's opinionated discharges "crypto-fascist ... like Richard Littlejohn, without the intellect and the wit".

Pandora will be there ringside with the water bucket and bloodied sponge, collecting the broken teeth to give away as reader prizes.

As an aside, I take this opportunity to congratulate Gorgeous George on becoming a father for the second time. At 12.20pm on Sunday, in the Chelsea and Westminster Hospital, his partner, Rima Husseini, gave birth to a baby boy. Fidel?

Jog on Meacher. Jog on!

2007-05-14T21:46:00.000-12:00

Time to get on the Tinnies

2007-05-13T04:06:00.000-12:00

It is with great relish that I report the Pigs going down. They should make tomorrow a Bank Holiday. West Ham do the double over Premiership Champions Manchester United and the Piggy Bastards blow it massively. Biggest team in Yorkshire? You're having a laugh. Bye bye Colin.

No, I'm not sure why either...

2007-05-11T03:24:00.000-12:00

I got a frenzied(ish) email from a mate asking me to ring him...ON HIS OFFICE PHONE. I duly rang, not quite knowing what to expect; so I was surprised when after the usual pleasantries he started talking about a steak sauce he'd cooked. I'm no great gastronome and, frankly, as happy as I was for him I didn't know why he was telling me this. Well, he asked me to put it on my blog. No, I still don't know why either. The below is a cut and paste job of the recipe. What a Fanny (Craddock). Feedback welcome, I suppose. Just remember not to make any misteaks.

The Danny Read Steak Sauce Sensation

"Slap it on your steak and smile"

Ingredients: Half white onion, 5 shallots, half yellow pepper, 1 green chilli, 5 mushrooms, 6 cherry tomatoes, redcurrant jelly, tomato puree, red wine.

Heat some oil in a pan. Meanwhile, chop the vegetables into very small pieces.

Put all the chopped veg in to the pan and stir for 3 minutes on a medium heat.

Put 1 ½ teaspoons of the redcurrant jelly into the pan and stir in.

Put 1 ½ to 2 teaspoons of tomato puree in and stir in

Add a splash of red wine and stir in.

Let simmer for 10-15 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Pour over your steak and try not to come in your pants. It will be difficult.

He's having a mayor

2007-05-11T02:19:00.000-12:00

Courtesy of the Guardian's Small Talk, I found this critical appraisal of London Mayor, Ken Livingstone. I don't know, but it really made me laugh.

What would you put in Room 101?
[Long deliberation] If I was going in the room I'd want a telly I suppose. [Slightly depressed] Put a telly in there.

Eh, no, this is something you can get rid of!
Oh right, okay - so it can be anything I want to get rid of (increasingly excited). Ken Livingstone. Because I drive in London every bloody day, and every bloody day I pay the congestion charge, and every day I sit in traffic. And I hear this gobshite going on about how he's making London easy to get into. Ken Livingstone without a doubt.

Candidates for Northern Ireland?

2007-05-11T01:28:00.000-12:00

What with the most coveted job in international football now being up for grabs, I would humbly like to put up two candidates: one unlikely, the other ridiculous.

Tony Blair - 'Peace in our time' soon to be moved upstairs of the Labour Party FC. Blair has the experience and is a man-motivator. Keepy-uppy with Kevin Keegan displayed his prowess and panache. With Northern Ireland still able to qualify for the European Championships (read it and weap Macca, oh shit I'm English...) Blair may well feel the hand of history on his shoulder.

Sven Goran Nokia - Well Northern Ireland did turn England, under the expert tutelage of the Svengali, over. It would be a right laugh though, innit?