The KORBunist Manifesto!

Jackson would have been 51 today...

2009-07-06T17:19:00.000-07:00

I have no idea when Michael Jackson's birthday is, but i assume whenever it is, the onslaught of Jackson coverage will still be going strong. but can you imagine the pigfuck of rehashing coverage well get that day?
All i know is i watched the news last night for 12 minutes before i heard a story not about the king of pop.
I think we get it: he's dead, there might have been some drugs, he made some videos, he's gonna fuck up traffic in la tomorrow, he had a monkey...
Stop, i got enough.

Thriller

2009-07-01T21:32:00.000-07:00

Why is it that we, as Americans, feel compelled to buy the records of people immediately after they die?
With Jacko stopping, because he got enough (not mine, but i wish it was) last week, the Billboard charts are once again being dominated by the King of Pop, for the first time in decades.
It's like when John Lennon was killed, and the horrible Double Fantasy went from selling 15,000 to going platinum in a week and Nevermind getting back on the charts when Kurt Cobain killed himself.
Now that the guy is dead, you gotta have the music, and you gotta have it now.
You didn't have it last week.
You aren't going to listen to it next week.
Is it to pile on?
So you have something to talk around the watercooler?
Because you're a boring ghoul?
I would like to know, and so would the man in the mirror.

A Note to Hollywood

2009-06-01T09:55:00.000-07:00

Please stop blowing up landmarks.
I'm over it.
Also Parkour is not inherently cool.
People who do parkour are not inherently cool.
Hence, stop doing the cool parkour thing.
It does not make things cool.
especially when there is a landmark blowing up behind it.

Holy Outrage!

2009-05-11T14:41:00.000-07:00

okay,
the price of stamps has gone up.
if you are angry about this, there is something wrong with you.
44 cents to send something across the country is not that much.
if there is actually someone in the world who can't afford the price bump, i think you may have worse problems than the price of a stamp.
please keep all of this in mind reporters.
isn't there someone with a bellyache in Nepal you can start a pandemic alert about?

Things I Don't Care About This Week

2009-02-04T12:49:00.000-08:00

Michael Phelps smoking weed

Christian Bale using the "F" word

The lady with the babies. Please stop giving her press. She's a drain on the countries resources.

Thank you.

Things I don't care about this week

2009-01-30T13:43:00.000-08:00

The lady who had the octuplets last week
Bruce Springsteen playing at the Super Bowl
Jessica Simpson and her mom jeans

Things I Don't Care About This Week

2009-01-14T14:39:00.000-08:00

The Obama family's new dog
American Idol
Clint Eastwood
The price of gas

The Big Question

2008-10-01T22:56:00.000-07:00

With a historic election right around the corner, and the economic crisis affecting everyone from Wall Street to Main Street (can we stop using this by the way?), North Korea and Iran restarting their nuclear program, and pirates stealing Ukrainian weapons from the sea, I think there is one every important question I need answered:
Was Cloris Leachman always this big a whore or is this something new, to appeal to the kids or something?
It just seems weird.
And its kinda freaking me out.

It's All Over

2008-08-04T08:55:00.000-07:00

Empirical evidence that our society has ended:
Ryan Seacrest does his radio show in the building I work in and today he had the Jonas Brothers on.
There were a lot of little girls out front hoping to get a look at the pop stars.
Many of them had signs.
One, who may have been 12 or 13, had a sign that was most disturbing.
Very disturbing.
Her mom was with her as she held a sign that said:
"My mom wants Jonas grand babies."
Someone call child services.

News Flash!

2008-07-24T10:03:00.000-07:00

Now, I don't know if any of you have heard about this.
The news organizations are only reporting on it every two minutes or so, but...
Gas prices have one up
I know, I know. Shocking!
You had no idea!
Well, don't worry. If you watch the news nowadays, there ill be at least two reports straight up on this unheard of fact and probably 2 or 3 more stories will work this information in.
Guess what.
I know gas prices have gone up.
I buy gas.
So do you.
Did you know this?
Or was it necessary for the news guys to let you know about it, every five minutes.
Listen guys, this isn't news.
Since people buy gas every day, they know its more expensive than it used to be.
Even if they didn't would it still be news?
You won't tell me if caviar or hammers or carpets are more expensive.
Why?
Because it isn't news.
Please, for the love of god...

More things that aren't news and should not be reported:
1. It's hot outside. I know I went outside today. This also applies to it's raining outside, snowing, etc. There's a weird segment of the news called the weather, which is where this goes.
2. The amount of money available to win in the lottery is high. Um, not news. In Nevada, this also applies to the amount of the MegaMillions jackpot.
3. The second part of any story where we find out what derelicts on the street think of what we just reported. People's opinions, especially Joe the crazy liberal walking guy, mean nothing to me and is by definition not news, especially when they tell me how outrageous gas prices are.
4. Anything Britney is doing. Unless she kills someone or cures cancer, her life is not important and you can slot a story about what happened at the City Council meeting instead here.
5. How many people watch a YouTube video. Really, 200,000 people saw the dog on the skateboard? Who cares, tell me why the highway has a hole in it and when it will be fixed. This rule also applies to the amount of money movies have made and records have sold. People went to see Batman...fascinating.

Now get out there and find some real news, but take the hybrid news van...gas is really expensive right now.

Is Sam Jackson still cool?...Really?

2008-05-07T12:00:00.001-07:00

So i went to see Ironman last night at the Arclight.
At this theater, they have a dude come out and introduce the film and he says, "Stick around after the credits for a special surprise."
So the movie plays and its totally awesome, Downey Jr. is awesome, the effects are awesome, the music and editing are awesome, I'm very pleased.
So we decide to stay through the credits for the surprise and ***spoiler alert*** Tony Stark come into his house and a mysterious figure is in his room. The figure speaks in that obvious bored Sam Jackson tone and I think to myself, shit, Mace Windou is going to challenge Tony Stark to a fight so all the nerds flip out.
Well, it turns out hes not his Star Wars character but he's Nick Fury from S.H.I.E.L.D. and wants to talk about the Avengers.
So now I'm torn.
An Avengers set up for Iron Man 2. Awesome. Love the Avengers. Loved the Iron Man movie. Great.
Of course the bad part, Sam Jackson's gonna be all over that flick.
I remember when he became cool, after Pulp Fiction, a long time ago.
He hasn't been good since. An obvious case of Sigorney Weaver disease.
I ask my wife, " Why, why Sam Jackson? Why do they have to ruin it with him?"
She replies, "I don't know. Cool factor?"
And she's right. For some reason people still think he's cool.
Witness the MTV Awards and the Spike awards and how he's in every goddamn movie playing that same bored, I guess cool guy, with the crazed stare and the wily saunter.
I'm tired of it.
Please Jon Favreau, please Stan Lee, lets go with someone else, please.
Its been done before, Harrsion Ford took over for Alec Baldwin in those Tom Clancy movies, all the Batmans, there precedence.
For me.
Thanks.

Savior of the Universe

2008-02-13T21:11:00.000-08:00

Thank Goodness.
Thanks Goodness for Don Mays.
What, you don't know who Don Mays is?
He's only the most responsible man in the world and he's making it better for you by calling out some of the scofflaws that are trying to drag you and your children down.
Who has the great Don Mays called out?
The devil himself, Billy Ray Cyrus, and his demon seed Miley.
These two indigents were seen by the ever vigilant Mr. Mays, or one of his crack staff, riding in the backseat of a range rover without their seat belts in a scene in the hit film, "Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert."
I know, scandalous.
Luckily, Don, the director of product safety over there at the Consumer Reports magazine has made us all aware of this insidious incident in the pages of that fine magazine.
In response, Mr. Achy Breaky Heart issued this statement:

"We got caught up in the moment of filming, and we made a mistake and forgot to buckle our seat belts. Seat belt safety is extremely important."

Damn straight Billy Ray. Damn straight.
And thank you again Mr. Don May, your Congressional Medal of Honor is in the mail

2008 is the new 1999

2008-01-25T15:42:00.000-08:00

Although it is a new year, it sure feels like an old year as far as one of the "big" news stories.
Remember back in 1999, when an awesome movie called "The Blair Witch Project"came out. The first week was talk of the "the little indie that could" and box office receipts, then starting in week 2, every news organization started running stories about how the movie was making people sick and those with weak stomach should stay away, not from the scares but the camerawork. (It was shaky and handheld)
Look what i found in the Boston GLobe.
and Fox News reported it too...
Don't worry, the Philadelphia Inquirer warned their readers of it too.
The new scourge of the movie going world and purveyor of endless warnings from our media protectors is of course "Cloverfield".
From the Globe article:

Erika Hasegawa, 32, was watching "Cloverfield" at a theater in the Los Angeles-area community of Alhambra Tuesday night but had to leave in the middle of the film.
"I'm really nauseous right now - just hold on for a second," she said, before walking down the hall and retching in a trash can.
"I wish I could get my money back," she said.

Really.
Did you see the trailer before you trekked out to the movie.
Did you see the shaky camera work in the commercial.
Are you a pussy?
Oh wait, some experts chimed in, also in the Globe article:

Some experts were not surprised, given the film's use of hand-held cameras that were jerked around to boost suspense....Experts suggest those who feel motion sickness try to stare at a fixed point that doesn't appear to move, such as the head of someone sitting in front of you in a theater or at a nearby seat. Dramamine, a medication taken to relieve nausea, might also help.

Awesome.
Can I get a large Sprite and a medium popcorn, with Dramamine.

A minute of reason within the warnings, again from the Globe article:

Some movie chains stressed that the vast majority of viewers felt fine watching the movie.

But to make sure that no pussies are hurt during the movie:

Nonetheless, Kansas City-based AMC Theatres placed caution signs in hundreds of its theaters nationwide warning about possible motion sickness issues.

But I think what bothers me so much in this further evidence of the pussification of America is that when filmmakers and musicians and artists go even the slightest outside of the norm, we must be warned. Further, what concerns me even more is that I haven't been warned about the shaky videos posted by shitheads on YouTube. There is all kinds of handheld, shaky cam, poorly lit media all over this site and not a single warning to take Dramamine before hand.

You guys are slipping.

And to take this even further, how many of the people who complained about being nauseated by this movie have posted crap on YouTube shot without a tripod. How many have submitted videos of their friends riding a skateboard with a jittery lensing up until that moment they jam their nuts on a pole and the camera violently rocks away and then we see them running.

You guys are the ones I want my money back from.

Stuff of the Year 2007

2008-01-03T11:47:00.000-08:00

Movie of the Year:
No Country For Old Men
Hon Mention:
Eastern Promises

TV Show of the Year:
The Wire
Hon. Mention:
The Shield
How I Met Your Mother

Album of the Year:
Weekend in the City: Bloc Party
Hon. Mention:
Four on the Floor: Juliette and the Licks
Black and White Album: The Hives

Most Annoying Word of the Year:
Thrive (stop it everyone, especially in your advertising)

Best Soundbite of the Year:
"Don't Tase Me Bro"

Worst Dude of the Year:
The "Don't Tase Me Bro" Guy

Pop Song of the Year:
Nominees:
Tambourine: Eve
U + UR Hand: Pink
I Still Remember: Bloc Party
Coffee Shop: Yung Joc
Never Again: Kelly Clarkson

Winner:
I Still Remember: Bloc Party

A Message to Retailers

2007-10-05T16:34:00.000-07:00

Tuesday is a great day.
It's the day all the new release CDs and DVDs come out.
Most Tuesdays I make a trip to Circuit City to buy said the aforementioned CDs and DVDs that interest me that I have seen in the Sunday circular available to everyone on the internet.
But there's a problem...
A big one...
One that caused me to stop going to Best Buy (of course this was in conjunction with other problems at Best Buy including the crap ass staff and management)...
For some reason, they never have all of the new release product out on the floor and no one who works there seems to know where it is.
I can understand if it was some obscure title that wasn't advertised, but if it is in the circular, you gotta get that shit on the floor by opening time.
Last Tuesday, I wanted the latest Entourage series DVD and I went in the store at 6:30 PM. That's 8 1/2 hours after they opened by the way, and it wasn't on the floor. The fourth person I asked about it finally got it to me but I was on the precipice of banning Circuit City for the offense.
When I worked at Tower Records (ahh, good times), we spent Monday night after closing putting out all the new releases on the shelf so they would be there when the kids came in in the morning. This is how it should be, but if not, do it first thing, so noon is the latest they should be out.
And I don't want the "They didn't come in until today excuse" This is not valid. I know it does happen, but I also know the boxes that new release product is in is marked with big stickers and i know the receiving clerk knows this and can get those in first so you can then quickly get them to the shelves.
It one of those things that if this continues, amazon is only a click away and it just comes to my house with no hassles.
This might be one more reason Circuit City is in the toilet and close to closing. Forget all the other market analysis and corporate mumbo jumbo, GET YOUR PRODUCT ON THE FLOOR AND THEN I CAN BUY IT!
And put it in a place I can find it too, like a rack at the front of the store marked "This Weeks New Releases".
Thanks and I'll see you on Tuesday.

Stop with the Britney Already

2007-10-02T13:21:00.000-07:00

six.
twenty-five.
That's how many reports I heard about Britney Spears in the amount of minutes it took me to get home last night.
6 reports about Britney Spears losing her kids in a twenty-five minute span on the Access Hollywood channel? The Insider Channel? No, the AM all-news radio channel.
No idea what's going on in Iraq or Afghanistan, only one report about stocks reaching their all-time high, no information on how safe or not safe my new community is.
Awesome.
Thanks guys.
I know I've said this before, but why is everyone still wondering why people aren't paying attention to current events or getting their news from traditional sources.
Is it because the radio waves are saturated with this crap that means nothing to me? It's fine, report it once, but I don't need to hear any analysts talking about what this means for Britney or what her friends think about it.
Really, can you tell me something that might actually affect my life or help me know more about the "real" world going on around me?
I also don't care if she is wearing underwear or not or what kind of water she drank after the VMA's.
For once I agree with Kanye West....except for the whole buy "Graduation" thing. That's stupid too.

Hello L.A.

2007-09-10T21:07:00.001-07:00

So we just moved to Los Angeles, where the sun shines, the people are friendly and gas is a little cheaper. There is one thing I've noticed though which may drive me over the edge.
The local news here is even more infuriating that it was in San Francisco.
No I haven't seen any LA Area reactions to every story, which is nice, and there's no Gary Radnich but...
The entertainment reports go one for ever here, and it isn't like deals or insider stuff, it is all form the land of Access Hollywood and the like.
Endless reports on Britney at the VMA's and Celebrity Breakups and lead stories about the Phil Spector trial, which I had forgotten was even going on. Yes, daily updates from the Phil Spector trial at the top of the newscast when the story is, testimony resumed...
Also, the All News radio station here is filled with anchors who are "outraged" over nearly every story when they are interviewing people familiar with the story. Hey guys, save the opinions and let the man talk, of course you think its horrible the Air Force flew some nukes over the country, no need to spend time telling me about it.
Overall, I think the move down here will be a good one and I will have a lot of fun, there's just a lot more CNN Headline News in my future.

Lessons From All-Star Week

2007-07-18T09:34:00.000-07:00

The baseball All-Star Game was here in San Francisco last week and I took part in the festivities and learned some things:
1. I love baseball.
When I was a kid I followed baseball, collected cards, went to games with my dad, listened to Hally Kallas and Richie Ashburn call the Phillies game on the radio and I loved it. Then I went to college and got away from it. Oh I still went to a game here or there but mostly it was just to drink overpriced beer and sit outside but after All-Star week, I realized I missed being involved.
Now does this mean I will start wearing a Cubs jersey and memorizing reliever's ERA's?; I doubt it.
Does it mean I will start listening to more games on the radio on my way home from work or leaving the Giants on the TV when there is nothing else on? Absolutely.
Will I pick a new favorite team? Yes.
Will it be my childhood favorites the Astros or the Blue Jays? Probably not since they changed their uniform, but a team will be picked by the end of the year. I'm leaning towards the Angels, but don't tell my wife that.
2. I am a nerd.
I waited in line for 4 hours at the FanFest to be ignored by Juan Marichal while he signed my baseball, read the multitude of rules Rollie Fingers had set up for the autograph he signed, and be pleasantly surprised by the outgoing Tony Gwynn. The wait was hell but when I got up there I geeked out and got all excited that I got to talk with Rollie, one of my all time favorite players, and just to be in the presence of Hall of Famers. Starfucking? A little. Connecting with guys who I looked up to growing up. A lot. I wish my dad would have been there but I'm glad Denis was.
3. The Home Run Derby is really boring.
$125 gets you into the most dragged out glorified batting practice you'll ever see. It was cool to be in the stadium all done up for the big game and to see all of those players in the special American League and National League uniforms and of course to see guys kill the baseball, but it goes on way to long with too much nothing in between. My advice to those thinking of going to next years Derby in New York...make sure you have someone to talk to cause there's a lot of time to do it. And to the guy who was sitting next to me, put the Blackberry away and explain to your kid, without frustration the rules of the Derby and enjoy the day with him.
4. Go hang out, even if you don't have a ticket.
Between the FanFest which was cool and reasonably priced and the crowd hanging around the stadium waiting to get in, trying to find tickets, selling crap, or just hanging out, it's fun to be a part of. There were so many people outside of the stadium who had no intention of going inside but still wanted to be a part of the day and the game and it made for a very fun time.
5. Wait until the day after the game to buy your merch.
I should have figured this but all of the vendors outside the stadium had to pack up their All-Star Game merchandise and move on so the discounts were big. I of course paid the full price inside the stadium. They don't sell most of the official stuff anywhere after the game so bargains are available..the day after.
6. Barry Bonds is still a jerk.
'Nuff said.

Thanks for the Heads up, Jackass

2007-06-08T15:32:00.000-07:00

A fun new trend.
I was looking at the paper today and there was a review for the new film "Paprika", a R-rated anime feature. It was a good review of a seemingly good film but there's this thing film reviewers seem compelled to do which is really starting to get me.
I don't know if its their editors, the MPAA, some watchdog group that has forced this but please...
"NOT FOR KIDS!"
No shit.
It's rated R.
Where was my tip off?
The worst offender of this to this point was every review for the very good movie "Pan's Labyrinth".
Once again, this movie was rated R.
But somewhere along the line, the filmmaker described it as a fairy tale, which was of course repeated by every reviewer.
Are Americans really so stupid that when the clips of the monsters and war and the big rated R are cancelled out by the words fairy tale or animated?
Are we so irresponsible I need to be kicked in the face over and over again by overprotective members of the media to make sure I don't poison the mind of my child by taking them to see such wonderful yet despicable films?
I think we get it.
Stop trying to save the children.
And get me some popcorn.

Free Willy!

2007-05-21T17:25:00.000-07:00

This last week two whales swam from the ocean and went up the Sacramento River.
Since then, I have learned more about whales than I ever cared to know.
Male and Female whales respond differently to whale sounds!
Whales can go without eating for weeks!
A mother whale is very protective of its calf!
Yee-haw!
This story has been the lead on so many newscasts and front pages I can't believe it.
I'm not saying its not newsworthy, it is, but is it worth the resources of every news helicopter floating overhead so any move by the whales can be caught on film to break into regularly scheduled programming?
The whales have crossed under the Rio Vista bridge three times today!
Poor Tony Libertini hanging out all week along the Sacramento Delta. Not since Tiny Potts got embedded with Larry Birkhead have I pitied a reporter so.
I think this is a story one AP reporter fresh out of college could handle and throw onto the wire at the end of the day for everyone to pick up. Seriously this is block c, page 13 kind of news, not a live breaking coverage with your best sat truck story.
I have no idea what's going on in Iraq or who is going to be our next President but I sure can tell you the last time a whale got stuck in the Delta, his name was Humphrey and it was 1985.
I miss hearing derelicts on the street complain about the price of gas.
Good times.

Finally!

2007-05-02T18:00:00.000-07:00

at least a momentary stop to the insanity.
A federal judge threw out a lawsuit filed against KFC for their use of trans fat in the food.
Here's the full article
The judge said the plaintiff could not be proved he was harmed by the trans fat and further went on to say basically that if you go into a fast food place, what do you expect?
That's what I've been trying to say.
Hopefully this will stop the douche bags from trying to save me and let me eat the crappy foods if I want to.
If you don't like the trans fat, there's a salad bar at the Molly Stone down the street.

Critical Ass

2007-04-04T08:05:00.000-07:00

The "peaceful" protesters of San Francisco have done it again.
On the last Friday of every month, thousands of bike riders clog the streets of the city in an attempt to raise awareness of bike riding and riders.
Its a nice idea.
I don't ride a bike in San Francisco but its gotta suck, what withe the narrow streets and the congested traffic and the drivers on the cell phones in the SUVs. And whatever your views are on environment stuff, bike riding certainly do not contribute to the pollutants in the air.
But...
Number one.
I'll never understand the pissing people off to make them sympathetic to your cause method of protesting.
These guys get on their bikes in a giant pack and jam downtown during rush hour, disregarding all the the rules of the road. So now I hate you cause I can't get to the bar and you just ran that stop sign. This is an all the time pet peeve of mine with the bicycles since they are supposed to obey traffic rules but I don't know how many times a bike runs a stop sign when its my turn to go and I get flipped off,but I digress.
And now this.
During the last critical mass, some tourists got caught up in the the gang of bikers, and had their car smashed while their children wailed by some of the cyclists. Read the article here for all the info.
Come now folks.
Is this the way to get your cause noticed?
Is violence the answer for those of you who are "Biking against Oil Wars"?
I know its just a few of the thousands who participated in this assault, but its indicative of the mentality of a lot of San Francisco protesters.
"I'm right and you're not. Everything I do to support my cause, legal or not, at the expense of whoever stands in my way is valid and just." Its also bullshit.
I now have even less respect for this event and this issue.
And that's too bad. Because I was somewhat sympathetic before.
What does that mean in the grand scheme of things, losing my support?
Nothing.
But what about the hundreds of others who changed their minds like me?
Keep it up kids.
And bury your cause a little deeper.
And for the love of god put a reflector on that Schwinn.

Target is a Laxative

2007-03-28T22:02:00.000-07:00

Every time I walk into a Target store I have to go number two.
No matter when or where, how long its been since last time, what I have or have not eaten, I walk through those Caution: Automatic Doors, and my bowels loosen up.
I don't know why.
Thank goodness they have a restroom.
Cleanup on aisle 2.

American Idol 2

2007-03-24T11:02:00.000-07:00

Another scandal over there at American Idol.
Why is Sanjaya still on the show?
Many theories abound.
I have the answer.
Ready...
Because he gets more votes than the other people do.
Now knock it off.
I'm still talking to you Billy Bush.

Are We Done Yet?

2007-03-11T22:32:00.000-07:00

Remember when you first saw or heard IceCube or Snoop Dogg?
IceCube Then
Remember how scary and bold and exciting and intriguing it all was?
Snoop Dogg Then
Things sure have changed huh?
IceCube Now
Snoop Dogg Now