Having Read The Fine Print......

Ota to Ishi, Malia and Philly

2009-07-10T21:59:00.002-04:00

It is summer and it is not safe for our brown bodies to be out.

We contaminate everything we touch.

We are unfortunate ghetto displays

I refuse to make you feel enlightened today.

I don't care to " call you to action".

Right now someone will write you a beautiful moving essay about the struggle of pain they felt when it happened to them.

Even when we were supposedly over it. Someone else will will wax philosophic about believing t could not happen to their child/children/friends kids because time/location/class/money

was supposed to protect them this time.

Forget that there will be no " public pain" for this one .

I speak three going on four languages. And in none of them today will you here me talk about why I need you to fix this issue for me and " ease my pain"

Frankly fuck this and your " feel good campaigns".

I don't want to read nor write another essay about how you can feel good about your contribution to the great fucking utopia you imagine in your head.

I want to stop hearing words like " can't believe, and unreal and unbelievable".

Because all your telling me is when we say there is racism, you don't believe us .

All it tells me is that for every cred from the left to the right you flash, you still believe the ultimate decision of racism is up to you.

Save me your indignation that "forced you to write a letter".

All that says to me is that for you , a letter will fix this.

For these few morsels , it is expected that some vein will be slit open , some damaging memory laid forth , some heartache on display , attached like a post it note

" This one this time you should do something ,here's my soul to prove it"

Your shock and amazement and horror show me nothing except that when we spake and spoke and speak.

You do not listen, except for the show.

here you are excited because you can use your force your screaming your yelling.

And I will quietly think that every news source that looked like us... Had between two and three days ago.

Here is a time to be excited because you can be an advocate and ally perhaps experience the rush of .

And I will remember the silence of what happens when we ask that we work to make sure I don't need you to advocate for me all the time because the world believes me when I advocate for myself.

of when I ask that another brown baby doesn't heave and sigh and bear a weight larger that any bookbag, and remember to never hope for certain things because NOTHING could feel as awful as being disappointed like THIS.

That little girl can not have her hair in any way and have you

That still after all this the only way of being treated like an animal in a zoo, is to display a little more for your viewing pleasure.

Because truly we have to bleed and beg to be treated as human, because you are doing enough aren't you, because god you actually could care about us

Because really you only pay attention to us to feel good about yourselves , because as soon as it is "enough"

Really they are other things to worry about rather than stopping the pain

Like how much better you can feel than the next person when it happens again

Liek how much better you are than the people who ignored it , but none on how better you made it for us.

How strong will you ask us to be , how much will you ask us to bleed, till you remember that

maybe ust maybe we are telling the truth.

2009-07-04T10:42:00.003-04:00

Sick BlackAmazon is sick ( in many ways)

Bring these fabulous to AMC

Why not help send me and some other lovely ladies? Via Noemi:

AMC. We need to get there.We have fundraised, asked for grants, compromised, felt energized, asked for days off, gotten free airline tickets, borrowed time, overcharged credit cards and emailed/talked/made plans with friends and strangers across the lines.And still call us shameless, we ask for more. Y porque no?

please consider donating to these fine, chingona mujeres

Maegan “la Mala” Ortiz, raising chingona mujeres. Sending single mami love
laMamitaMala.com
mamitamala@yahoo.com

Elle, southern sistorian, who I shall meet one day even if we live closer than other folks. Oh we shall share a beer very very soon
http://elleabd.blogspot.com/
mselleg@aol.com

blackamazon Sydette otherwise known as the bad ass who I love
http://guyaneseterror.blogspot.com/
Sydette@gmail.com

Fabiola, fabmexicana who guest blogs here, leaving pedacitos de su corazon.
Otra mami soltera de Califabmexicana@gmail.com

Noemi Martinez
spiller of dreams-single mami hermanaresist.com
csdistro@gmail.com

ms. cripchick
a powerchair-roaring queer radical woman of color
cripchick's weblog
stacey.milbern@gmail.com

Many of us will be taking part in the Women’s Media EquitySummit on July 16th.At the AMC, we’ll be involved in several different caucuses, meetings and generally raisinga ruckus wherever you may find us. And OUR KIDS WILL BE CAUSING ALL SORTS OF MAYHEM AT THE KIDS TRACK AND IN GENERAL. It will be a sight to see. Things will happen. We will write/blog about it.

I need the swing

2009-06-23T19:48:00.004-04:00

I am shakinga nd crying over necessary harsh but real work being done and I have nothing to say so I am listening and it is safer to do this because to be honest this is hwo little it matters

the idiotic stupid bullshit( I'm cursing all up and through this one DEAL)

SO i am going through my technorati and see that Octa has linked me

Ooh shiny, lemme see....

WAIT CAN I UNSEE CAN I UNSEE.

Because this " furor" , this mastubatory solipsistic, journalistic neglagiance , and narcissistic blowharding that is passing for coverage of this

is exactly why this " feminist movement" is leaking water everywhere.

NO ONE LOOKS GOOD IN THIS

because no one is attempting to do anything BUT LOOK GOOD! Not to mention a bevy of slipshod journalism and reporting that seems only to try and stir up the idea of a "vibrant engaged internet discussion" where there is none cause frankly

NO ONE GIVES A DAMN

And here is where I get really mean and nasty and ornery and ageist but hey since its being used lets get it.

I am really really tired of hearing about " young feminists" who are AT LEAST 6-10 years older than I am talking about young feminists wanting blah blah and strictly talking about people responding to how they don't get presidencies, articles, and press attention. ESPECIALLY IN ORGANIZATIONS WOMEN HAVE BLED FOR FOR OVER 40 YEARS

ANd this article here....

Well doesn't that take the cake.

So I am supposed to take the word of a WHITE WOMAN m who presumes to speak for all young women., mind you she ADMITS NOT HAVING FOLLOWED ELECTIONS needing more youth led work

and here's the words I love.

" cutting edge"

I'm sorry but if DB Sweeney isn't Pamchenkoving Moira Kelley , I'm sorry I want no part of the fucking cutting edge.

And I'm sorry to burst the hard Mainstream media attention bubble but the fact that peopel aren't connecting to you online is not the end all be all of their relevance. Also if it is so important so relevant why did you use that cutting edgeness to write about it.

Meanwhile what is the cutting edge ? Name some of it . OH wait those things tend to sound more like issues and policy.( and if what you name is also part of the OPPONENTS platform as well you fail)

And as we know Young Women ( most of them now 6-15 years older than ME) are concerned with the look of things because essentially the endorsement is

" as a brown woman she looks better to young feminists"

I do not ofr a second believe that Lyles is a token ( I actually do follow now somewhat having the mistaken belief that if I am going to run my mouth on something I should know it VAGUELY)

but how are these endorsements based on WEBSITE USE ANYTHING BUT

the desire to capitalize on a mythic Obama effect to make these mythical young women feel better

because you knwo those older owmen use facebook and twitter to right so much so GRADY RAN ON IT AS WELL

Mind you none of the articles quote

YOUNG FEMINISTS OF COLOR the demographic NOW IS SCREWING UP ON.

But never let facts good discussion and ya know actually leading a dialogue get in the way of being quoted or saying " You know what I'm gonna sit this one out"

( Lets make it plain bemoaning slutty brides took up more space)

First and foremost what are the differences in the two women's positions?

Why is Latifah Lyles so " invigorating"?

Tell me when you find it cause oh right no one knows or cares to know. Even Salon is asleep wait (I Don't mean even I'm kind of going with as usual), needing a commentor to remind them s( something ) basic searching could find that LYLES IS A VICE PRESIDENT .

So now we have a tale of two women somewhat FIRMLY entrenched in NOW's power structure, making promises at which the out going leader "chuckles"at, about this time THIS TIME they will make this organization relevant again.

BE written by people who are so eager to have a " feminist wars" piece of copy the abscond with basic journalistic thoroughness ( like Google and THE WEBSITE OF THE ORG THEY ARE WRITING ABOUT well except to be assholes about site design)

even going so low as to say essentially I trust them they don't have to provide facts?!?!?

being more concerned about feminisms marketing than it's actual function.

A quick browse

Welfare rights action on now's website hasn't been updated in five years

International Rights AND Immigration IN SIX MONTHS

Domestic Violence is a n article on Chris Brown that is short and does NOT mention how for a first time offender in DV the tragedy is not JUST that he isn't in prison but that his sentence WAS ACTUALLY ABOVE THE AVERAGE . But hey pithy quote on what it tells us!

Economic justice is all about fair pay not about FINDING JOBS, PAYING LOANS ,HOUSE FORECLOSURES or any of the things that are actually being dealt with by young women ( and BOTH parties are involved with this website yes?)

And Media Justice is more involved with HALL OF SHAME THAN PRAISING FEMALE EFFORTS.

Trans Women are NOT O N IT and Gay rights is ALL PROP 8 ALL THE TIME

mind you nobody mentions that as reason why NOW MAY NOT HAVE MEMBERS

NO It's there mean to the pretty white girls!!! or the change candidate wasn't elected MUST BE PALIN!

This vapid empty nasty silencing discussion is why there aren't members. The ignorance and silent refusal ( and don't fucking dare come to me with we cover it here because when you cover it as much as rush limbaugh THEN WE CAN TALK) to be honest about the truth and history of NOW ( while started involving WOC so no Lyles is not NEW )

this false young versus old that is essentially all white all the time, to the extent of fetishizing someones blackness as an " image make over"

a myopic responsive,elitist response to the future

that has brewed an idea that better marketing is a more important than actual information and has people RESPONDING TO IT

and the continued desire to do nothing by both YOUNG AND OLD to respond to the reality of the lives of women they are trying to reach

but mean while

the things like

WOMEN RUN MEDIA JUSTICE CAMPAIGNS

MEDIA CONFERENCES

MEDIA PROJECTS

INTERNATIONAL NEWS

the amazing things being DONE WITH THE INTERNET rather than just talked about

women having to run for themselves and making decisions and having discussions so painful and SO NECESSARY that don't even show up on RADAR of these places who are so CONCERNED because they would rather worry about who has the big desk in Washington?

That the real revolution is HERE

Lisa is so amazing I copied it VERBATIM

wouldn't it be revolutionary if someone acknowledged that the future of feminism should look invisible because the work for justice and peace has been taken up by everyone? and the "future of feminism" is more than just NOW and the latest books or curriculum from some academic theorist?

When every one is as concerned as making our lives better and listening to us and actually working with us as whose in charge maybe I'll take this seriously till then.

The only remotely good thing about this hailstorm of stupid is the desire to see a good 90's film.

Waaaaaaaaaaaay to close to home.

2009-06-20T23:49:00.003-04:00

Poor women shouldn't have anything rich people want.

including children.

One of the reasons my blog is kind of quiet recently is that I am starting something important to me .

Dedicated to my mother.

Because my mother had to fight to keep me.

She could speak "the" language.

But why is that the only thing that should save her?

This is a "choice" as well . the choice to raise your children,speak you language and be yourself without having to suffer for it.

It being daring to exist.

Request for Action from the Mississippi Immigrant Rights Alliance (MIRA):

Cirila Baltazar Cruz gave birth to her baby girl in November of 2008 at Singing River Hospital in Pascagoula, MS. She speaks very little Spanish and no English, as her native language is Chatino, an Indigenous language from Oaxaca, Mexico that is spoken by some 50,000 people.

The hospital provided her with an “interpreter” who is from Puerto Rico and does not speak Chatino, the language of the mother. Because of the language barrier and the misunderstanding by the hospital’s interpreter who only spoke Spanish and English, a social worker was called in.

The hospital’s social worker reported “evidence” of abuse and neglect based on the following:

* The “baby was born to an illegal [sic] immigrant;”
* The “mother had not purchased a crib, clothes, food or formula.” (Most Latina mothers breast feed their babies).
* “She does not speak English which puts baby in danger.”

Ms. Baltazar Cruz’s baby was snatched from her after birth at the hospital and given to an affluent attorney couple from the posh Ocean Springs who cannot have children.

The authorities made no effort to locate an interpreter in her native tongue. MIRA located an interpreter who is fluent in Chatino in Los Angeles CA and has interviewed the mother extensively with the interpreters help. The mother has been accused of being poor and not being able to provide for this child. No one has asked the mother to provide evidence of support. She owns a home in Mexico and a store which provides both secure shelter and financial support, not counting the nurturing of a loving family of two other siblings, a grandmother, aunts, uncles and other extended family.

Meanwhile, there is word in the Gulf Coast community that the “parents to be,” have already had a baby shower celebrating the “blessed arrival” of this STOLEN child!

PLEASE MAKE CALLS & WRITE LETTERS DEMANDING THE SAFE RETURN OF BABY & REUNITE WITH HER MOTHER

If you believe this is unjust and outrageous and goes against all moral and religious beliefs and values, please call or write to the presiding Judge and the MS Department of Human Services to STOP this ILLEGAL ADOPTION! Stealing US born babies from immigrant parents is a growing epidemic in the United States. Many Latino parents have lost their children this way!

Honorable Judge Sharon Sigalas
Youth Justice Court of Jackson County
4903 Telephone Rd.
Pascagoula, MS 39567
(228)762-7370

Children’s Justice Act Program
MS Dept. of Human Services
750 North State Street
Jackson, MS 39202
Call (601)359-4499 and ask for Barbara Proctor

For more information please call MIRA at: (601) 968-5182

MIRA Organizing Coordinator
Victoria Cintra at (228) 234-1697 or Organizer Socorro Leos at(228) 731-0831

GIRL TALK FEATURING MY ROSE!

2009-06-15T18:28:00.001-04:00

Girl Talk: A Cis & Trans Woman Dialogue
Curated by Julia Serano & Gina de Vries
Wednesday, June 17th
LGBT Center - Ceremonial Room
1800 Market Street
7:30pm
Tickets: $12-$20
Buy Tickets on-line!!: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/66001
http://www.queerculturalcenter.org/Pages/QFest09/GirlTalk.html

Queer cisgender women and queer transgender women are allies, friends,
support systems, lovers, and partners to each other. Trans and cis
women are allies to each other every day -- from activism that
includes everything from Take Back the Night to Camp Trans; to
supporting each other in having “othered” bodies in a world that is
obsessed with idealized body types; to loving, having sex, and
building family with each other in a world that wants us to disappear.
Girl Talk is a spoken word show fostering and promoting dialogue about
these relationships. Trans and cis women will read about their
relationships of all kinds – sexual and romantic, chosen and blood
family, friendships, support networks, activist alliances. Join us for
a night of stories about sex, bodies, feminism, activism, challenging
exclusion in masculine-centric dyke spaces, dating and breaking up,
finding each other, and finding love and family.

Late night think rant

2009-06-12T23:52:00.001-04:00

Cereta's excellent post on men and rape by way of Coffeeandink's links and post
( Hat tip yelo son and sex _and Race)

So I'm doing that thesis THANG and some of you knwo I am a "blogger"
Mostly WOC issues and I'm hoping to be getting my grad in that.SO combine that with my propensity to say whatever the blue blazing hell comes to my pretty napptural head.

I am read/talking/ pondering on date rape and sexual assault.

First and foremost I continue to be a fucking amazed by the consistent use of " oh no oneI know would?"

Please tell me how many people YOU KNOW who would go

Hi I am the type of person who will willfully and openly use another person and disregard their will, and frankly how many of you really would take action into isolating that person?

Know how many times people have explained "away" a person's racism sexism classism ?"

How many of you have brushed off or giggled off someones nastiness cause well

"their not that way to you"

and I'm not saying dis own them but even ACKNOWLEDGING THE REALITY OF WHAT THAT COULD MEAN FOR OTHERS

( its part of the reason I talk bout myself so damn much in addition to my big ego I want you to knwo I am speaking ONLY FOR ME)
yeah sure you really would stand up and fight that.

Oh you would?

Prove it when a woman says she is assaulted of has concerns

Make the first thing out your mouth NOT

" not all guys/I would never /you should"

but what can I do to help?

or even the mere attempt at understanding the world i go through in THIS BODY IN THIS SKIN

isn't the world you go through

but I have a real shit time of up front no bullshit working with any white feminist org to taklk about this

Why?

because my " rape " ain't your "rape"

It's why i hate the fucking " this is what a feminist looks like/take back the night/ psuedo sex positive ( as opposed to sex AND SEX WORKER ) positive

the night ?

never mine .

Me this body this skin a CONSTANT reminder of colonialist rape , people like me only come up when it's in relation to THEIR experiences at social events .

Meanwhile we're trying to deal with the systematic sexual assault by social events, government etc etc etcit's something they "missed" or you know petition worthy

but vibrators and the right to hen peck boyfriends

RALLY TIME.

I want to be less bitter but every time i hear this shit it becomes a well we fight for EPEW blah blah oh and *insert horrible soulcrushing experience of LGBTQ WOC* so TAKE US SERIOUSLY as we were slogans

But my final FINAL HUh moment.

Is this gray rape/ we can teach sexual yes cues/ oh___didn't know?

Nope sorry I ain't letting nobody of the hook that easy.

I m gonna need you to explain in VERY VERY SMALL WORDS AND SLOWLY

hwo you can miss someone wanting you.

How you can miss someone asking and pleading you to continue , being involved enough to HAVE ANY VOICE AT ALL while you BUT NAKED AND RARING TO GO?

if part of you roll is to let the person you're with KNOW WHAT YOU WANT

AND TO MAKES SURE YOU KNOW WHAT THEY WANT

how do you" miss cues".

How is it UNSEXY ( i have heard this I immediately knew why this fools girl was so cranky)

to make sure asnd ask permission to be thoughtful

How truly unimaginative do you have to be to not figure out hwo to make ENJOYING SEX SEXY

unless

wait a minute

YOU ARE NOT LOOKING??

So help me out since I give you TOO MUCH INFO but I ma also (one of ) The MOST INTERESTING friend on facebook.

splain me?

yell at me say I'm a dottering nitwit

but when I am analyzing text ( friday night I know)about ways to position the singular black female body in performance and how much of that comes from witness to violence and I hear the sheer ignance that passes as discourse

From there to here

2009-06-09T21:46:00.003-04:00

I am struggling with the role of writing, with the roles of activism, journalism,privilege race and technology.

Getting Google Reader to aggregate my readings has truly changed the way I read news. It has made it easier but it has also made me believe that it does not and should not be EASY.

With fading paper news, a black president, and the rise of the internet , the world does not look , the discourse does not look the way it has before ,

and although my entire ability to even run my mouth in it , I am becoming more and ore disturbed by the " new media" tongue bath being given .

About the Voice of the people.

Let us be plain, the ability however small however much it doesn't always feel like it.

To engage in a public intellectual life, as a blogger or teacher or professor or writer or artist and not have it be your side hustle or your " hobby" thanks to the ever crush of bills or whatever

is a confluence of privileges ( yep even as much as I bitch about it I know I am treading on privileged ground here)

and we have to have to start asking the very serious question of "To who are we accountable"

It is an amazing bit of writing . AMAZING , but it reinforced the growing ( and it's gonna be repeated ) pit in my stomach about media and MOVEMENT and ARTISTIC and RACIAL accountability.

While people are becoming excited about a discourse and very keen a on using these tools to ad d to it, to become large figures in it, no one seems as excited about having the tough discussions about what and who they seek to "improve"

It plays out in my mind of course and in writing in terms of race and gender.

I black I am multi-ethnic , I am Ivy League educated.

I am not enthusiastic about the "opportunities presented by America's election of a black president" and I am deeply troubled by the frame of the discourse present by the "Soul Patrol AND the Melissa Lacewell Harris response.

While the sum total of my response of Tavis Smiley is too long it often can be sum mated in " ARE YA SERIOUS?". I have deep reservations about MLS's dissection of it and the Soul Patrol.

First and foremost the fact that the first thing mentioned is the production value is bothersome, especially when later on it attacks the fact that they are all well endowed professors and or corporate backed ( in a CNN article by a Princeton professor , who is now being critiqued by a Penn grad yeah I'm getting to that)

While yes it is democratized, lets be clear on what voices even within these formerly underserved communities, are gtting play, or even in fringe circles ( I am an intsy bitsy blogger but i gots ome truck) why certain voices and certain credentials KEEP RISING, and keep getting play, as well as counterpointed. It si in this age I believe no longer enough to mention it or point at it but it has to be laid bare and ultimately destroyed.

Meanwhile equating the ability to become part of a system that STILL disenfranchises black americans ( not all black americans are African Americans) with maturity

Further, Smiley and his "soul patrol" seemed to have missed the intervening 40 years between the era of King and the election of Obama. African-Americans are no longer fully disfranchised subjects of an oppressive state.
African-Americans are now citizens capable of running for office, holding officials accountable through democratic elections, publicly expressing divergent political preferences and, most importantly, engaging the full spectrum of American political issues, not only narrowly racial ones. The era of racial brokerage politics, when the voices of a few men stood in for the entire race, is now over. And thank goodness it is over. Black politics is growing up.

While I totally like the idea of avoiding the race men( and women) , I dislike the use of this phenomena as a chastisement of the way TS and em are going about this. Because this phenomena this need of race men was predicated on a deep racism that predicated the use of perfect blameless people for organizing ( Rosa Parks anyone). And Barack Obama's election , which is being used to even as many people cringe to herald a " post racial era" gives us a deep hint that no it's not actually that far gone.

While I agree fully and totally that the TS and Soul Patrol critiques are often baseless and unproductive and ignorant of people who are not in their vision of productive. I also say that a view that hold up racial neutrality is any better,especially as a black president isn't all races nor does it indicate a clear race history.

Which is where I really disagree with Jay Smooth and a lot of the we're further along than we were rhetoric framing of the " post Obama moment". While his observation is brill ant and funny. The why is NECESSARY this rush for post racialism is not benign.

It is part of a continued and multi pronged death grip of entitlement and privilege to move from not having to care cause it didn't affect them to not having to care cause we're beyond that. Because if we're not beyond it and people are still concerned we might have to talk about why and that's not just boundaries and it's tied up in a whole lot of things that make racial neutrality a LOT more difficult than presented and the variety of voices not only presented but centered a LOT BIGGER

What i do think it is important to talk about and address is this constant portrayal of this action of ' fam correction" as jealousy and unproductive and baseless. My Google Reader sends me news alerts on race and racism and feminism and it picked up this article that featured the MLH piece from feministing this is the part that made me go yeah well no:

This question of authenticity in identity is a very frequent theme in argument between different types of feminists and specifically different generations of feminism. The older "watchdogs" are disappointed with what they see is a diluted brand and less than tough stance on issues by younger generations. The reality that material conditions have changed for women, people of color and other disenfranchised communities is not explored in depth, which has allowed for different types of political identifications, different types of movements.

Because frankly the "watchdogs" are not disappointed with out reason, and these material conditions improving for SOME of these groups is not enough for them to stop being vigilant, not to mention the constant belief that these watchdogs are themselves a homogeneous group is baseline insulting. Especially if only certain sections ( or people) are getting these improvements based on representing themselves as or being represented as standard bearers for the whole group. The other reality is that often the material conditions for many of these groups HAVE NOT MOVED AT ALL IF THEY HAVE NOT OUT RIGHT REGRESSED.

And the fact that these opinions often come with identification or absorption into capitalistic or commerce based affluence isn't something that changes things for everybody else. The fact that we can discuss this does not change the fact that there are more homeless and trans murders and service reduction to the disabled and that if they are annoyed or upset or so angry they can barely achieve coherency , pointing at my article in make/shift doesn't change that.

and if I am accountable to them and not the next run for the zeitgeist or the possibilities or the evolution the dialogue MUST CHANGE and must stop being posited as an old vs new,and start digging into the SCARY issues, in ways that ARE NOT territorial defense and predicated on hoping a voice speaks privilege enough to be comprehended and "hip " enough not to be dismissed.

But instead predicate themselves on pushing us as far as we can as deep as we can to exposing the parts of ourselves we hide the most to the BEDROCK of our views. Of what we move for , who move for and WHY

It is swinging in my head so hard because frankly it's going to get harder. Asking the tough necessary questions without a "hook" or a spin or a niche.

is getting more and more difficult and surprise it's dryng up and going away along very familiar lines.

Not only does the world need our voices, and everyone Else's but it needs OUR PURPOSE

and while yes our ability to do it ourselves, and challenge old wisdom, and be creative is good.

It is being done ( YEAH MAEGAN AND NEZ AND KAI AND THE SANCTUARY)

What is necessary are our loves our allegiances, and our purpose because

MLK?

sacrificed the good graces of LBJ for the unions and opposing the war.

Because moments opportunities moments epochs are merely after thoughts in describing one thing

What finally moved you from there

here.

walking

2009-06-02T19:48:00.002-04:00

I am trying to write to stave off a massive depression.

I am very very tired.

I feel safe almost nowhere, I feel full of unfinished ideas , and thoughts and drives

and I have little desire to finish them.

I eat when I remember to which is mostly defined by a work schedule, i do not enjoy the sun.

I am finally beginning to understand the message.

I take up too much space.

I read that and I want to say yeah, and in my hear I do for Baby BFP. Someone should take up space I'm just not sure it should be me anymore.

What gives me any right?

I do not take pictures for the most part because I believe they are giving away parts of your soul.

And little bits of my soul get taken from me everyday

and that is the way the world works.

I have to smile and be thankful and cheery because maybe just maybe that little bit of dignity here, that piece of your heart there.

Might pay your cell phone bill.

Everyday people quietly and silently or loudly and repeatedly let me know

they are better than me.

Or I am not worth it.

and you steal yourself because it is all you know how to do.

but why do that .

Because you are not allowed to feel pain.

" But I didn't know that"

Because finding out what happens when it comes to me/my community/my loves /my life, it's not like anyone could be bothered to research.

It's not like we are worth it in the face of whatever book/article/shiny movement that PROMISES PROMISES THIS FUCKING TIME

to get it right.

and it's not like when you leave the door , you don't see very pot hole, abandoned building shitty train line that will not get fixed no matter how many times you call or scream or cry .

Won't be getting fixed.

That never getting a good's nights rest , that horrific feeling that no one is coming for you if you cry.

Might very well be true.

To take up space because every little bit you do is some that's something hurtful can not that doesn't delight it watching you bleed that hurts

That eating and eating because you think that space means you will be left alone

And finding out you won't

and losing and losing because you are just to tired to try for any real food anymore

To witness yourself being talked around and spoken around and denied while people make meals off of ideas that you even know aren't new when you did them and damn sure aren't new when they got torn from a woman you love?

Of literally people talking around the existence of women doing amazing work to one line cheer blurbs?

of loosing friends and loved ones because you just have no time to pick up the phone.

of letting others go because if one more person goes well you know you'd fit in more if you

and lying alone wondering what if they are right

of after every erasure and nastiness and theft and disregard

being discovered

and while you and yours decide between the fucking rent or your loans. Your jewelry or your fare

demanding to be sympathetic when someone isn't getting a fucking handstand over another bourgeoisie appropriating class marker.

demanding you condone violating victims because hey it makes them SUPER liberal

and by super liberal it means they watch the daily show and ask other writers to do their analysis FOR THEM

and bad mouth mediums that are doing better at their "inclusion" THAN THEY ARE

THAT EVEN YOUR REST PLACES

are

zoos

and fish bowls

where people can't say your name

like you aren't in a skin everyday that makes life DIFFICULT but you are so scary!!!!

and for what

for people who don't possess have the gumption or fortitude to understand the real work of writing

who would celebrate the dying of a industry VITAL to our survival

because they get to be "important" when it goes on the cheap but have little to nothing to say

to support a world where men beat a man to death for speaking Spanish and go FREE!.

To live a life like this

where your world is abused and hurt and dumped on and you have to apologize for having feelings

where people think so low of you and what you love and work for that you tell them there is death and murder and rape

that trey push you and push you and push you till you have no place left but to do what they ALWAYS want make it you attacking them

and then no matter what , no matter what you say or do, they get chance to leave a fucking room cause no matter what has been done is being done if they're uncomfortable they get to leave.

that you can't shake the feeling that is what you get for taking up any space at all.

Sometimes I am so sad I don't know how i get up in the morning

So it's not just me.

2009-05-31T17:45:00.001-04:00

That famous " feminists" have been all but non existent in speaking on Sotomayor

or have been appropriating the language of intersectionality , while still prioritizing gender over race , and calling themselves enlightened.

Consider this a free edit

2009-05-28T18:29:00.003-04:00

Just so I can stop hearing the ridiculously stupid.

But for real for real, I would really REALLY like to not hear about the problems younger women have form "older women" and inter sectional feminism from people who complain about the cat fight image of women.

Especially when the people who originated and pioneered much of the scholarship on the topic wrote it and developed it

starting in their mid/late twenties into early thirties and continued well till now ( when many of them are 60) or well till the passed on ( still old enough to be OLDER women)

also the assumption that " younger women get it" ( has flashbacks, also was you know AWAKE for the past year for the fun book covers, boycotts old and ONGOING, as well has the reports form many other women who have a deep problem with the racism classism,transphobia, ablism and heterosexism among the "youth" movement.)

the really assholish denial that "older woman" is in fact

AN INTERSECTIONAL IDENTITY

rounded out by the fact that every time I've heard this bullshit

it has

predilected such emptyheaded "dialogues"

on all the older women being white.

The sad thing is I still got to work on time.

2009-05-23T20:25:00.003-04:00

I may have cost a woman her job today.

Because we were poor and brown and I couldn't afford even ten dollars.

My local train just stopped working dumped an entire train full of people with no directions out into the street.

I thought I could split a cab until thre prices for the cab were between thirty and fifty dollars. ( mind you from anywhere in Manhattan to JFK is $40) and all I had was twenty.

She worked in a hotel , doing service labor and COULD NOT BE LATE.

I work in a slightly more skilled position and called my job, who let me know thanks to those skills I'd be okay.

Which meant that the little money I had did not have to go to teh worlds most overexpensive cab ride, or a cheap cab ride in someones car

or helping the lady get to her job on time.

Even as she was saying she would pay nearly thirty of it

because frankly having to juggle and call bill collectors who are laying the ahmmer on me EVEN THOUGH THEY CANT SPELL MY NAME RIGHT

and not having time to grocery shop so needing to overspend on food

I didn't have it

and where we were where the subway is the ONLY WAY IN

this is the shit that bugs me out about things like the post below.

Feelings and self worth are important enough to stop time

if it's a white person

but us we're supposed to be put in only out for ourselves scraps hustling always hustling

but you don't think I or anybody else wants to not be an asshole or not be out for number one
like we don't want ways of aiding ourselves

but hey
this will be believed only after your appropriate white person writes it.

I left her thirty minutes in when the train ran again.

Still searching for a cab less than half my days pay.

White People Like to Discover Things

2009-05-21T09:14:00.002-04:00

So white people have discovered " gentrification".

I'm so not sorry but I feel this is one time where I have to insert I am about to be an unapologetic asshole about something.

Dear, 20-40 year old " liberal" white people .

Please shut the fuck up about gentrification, if your main goal is to express how much you are aghast at what you are " not doing" and what more can be done .

Now that you have pretty much discovered that you might not be able to move out or the neighborhood won't be changing fast enough for you to not have to deal with those growing pains, and how you can still keep your I am a good liberal creds.

This article pissed me off HARD

Because while you may desire to be a part of " meaningful conversation with your neighbors" . Notice how even though the article you LINK TO has quotes from RESIDENTS OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD , they are " summarized" and moved on to the important quote of stuff we can do .

Because truly the gentrifier and the gentrified truly have similar responsibility or capabilityility. And untangling the issues still ends up being about how YOU can do something not the effect your having or WHY?

The Brooklyn Rail piece was also an annoying copout because it came reallyclose to hitting on some really fundamental truths and then glossed over them to remind us what WHITE people could do, and how white she felt.

( IF you want to have a conversation solely among white folk fine , but stop doing it in public and pretending that mentioning brown people is the same as talking to them especially if the end result is how to make you shiny).

Then someone showed me this and my flip out is complete.

The comments are good ( Nanette and La Lub for the win) but, not only does the question pisss me off but the preface does me in.

( not to mention WHERE people are trying tohave these convos)

The common thread to all of these conversations is that while everybody is very concerned that people understand they have "history" and aren't " that Kind" of gentrifier, and have basic knowledge of where they are( and I do mean basic), they seem to fail to connect linear time, and the same sense of importance to the history of the neighborhood as they do their feelings and slow realizations, not to mention the straight up it seems in ability to master a basic GOOGLE search.

The Brooklyn Rail piece mentions the fact that people were 70 years remove from the Civil War and part of the great migration.

Translation : These are people WHOSE RECENT FAMILY HISTORY involves slavery, the massive move out of the South to escape large scale discrimination, lived through said neighborhoods being flooded with crack and benign neglect only to be displaced by people who need wireless internet in cafe's

( and I will leave the West Indian bit alone as this will get long and cursefilled so read this and you'll have some Idea)

and can't even speak to you when you smile and say hello .

and seem confused by your reticence when they finally do. ( mind you this could be as many as 5 YEARS as protests were happening THEN)

( shit Wiretap covered it 2007)

The lack of ability to see people as people , not as stars in your quest for enlightenment, or demographics thrown together that make them alien. Or having such a low neighborhood expectation that common courtesy extende dto you is evidence of " good relations" ( how littel do you experience community or how little do you expect of people that them extending common courtesy to you is noteworthy don;t answer that)

but suddenly want to have this discussion as the building has stopped and the ability to move you up and out is decreasing.

Yeah they forgot to mention that in these articles.

Part of the move to discuss these things is that as long as we are in an economic crisis , gentrification agents have lost the capital to be as swift or complete as they once were. Usually it took about 7 years and most of the people who were protesting would be priced out , but now that construction is stalemating and condos are lying fallow, as well as the young " creative types job prospects to fill them"

You can't really ignore your neighbors anymore while jetting off to other points. The multicultural fantasy is colonism gone rancid.

Aka now that the end game isn't as obvious THEIR comfort gentrification is something we need to discuss.

What has happened is that now more than ever in a dismal economy our futures are tied tighter together.

White flight isn't an option.

And now that white flight isn't an option suddenly there is an option for white " neighborhooding".

Aka the phenomnon of trying to create something that was there but just didn't include you or you were certain was not on your list of priorities till now.

It's the price of believing your own bullshit, pretending that all the time you WEREN"T having this conversation isn't just as much a factor as the time you do.

It's the " zeitgiest" phenomenon. The believe that until it breaks in national pages ( putting you firmly BEHIND it) it's not so much of a concern.

But mostly it's really awesome disgusting privilege being unable to reference any non white people speaking about it , or having no idea where to find such perspectives until AFTER called on it.

I am all for dialogue and conversation and actual building but , when the privilege is so ingraned that we watch discussions and words taht have been coming from communities of color FOR DECADES, being suddenly discoverable. The discussion rings false.

It's not progress, it's a constant culturally convenient, colonial advantageous of keeping every protracted ill of POC as a " new discovery" so no one has to do anything while they "gather information" and get tehir feelings honored. It's the kidn fo discussion that wipes out entire towns , blocks and neighborhoods because no one has to think about what tehy say or who they're saying it to and about until it comes "home"

Because point blank if it wasn't NECESSARY , you wouldn't be in love with our communities or in our neighborhoods, because when you weren't your barely pretended they existed. COnsidering many of these communities are formed of love, pride, solidarity and or reaction to descrimination , lets talk about a conversation predilected on you having to

SETTLE FOR OUR LIVES. and finding out all teh stuff we were saying , but you had better things to get to

ARE TRUE

That maybe if you are really comitted to " doing something about it" you are first honest, REALLY HONEST about what you're doing right now.

You are in no small way destroying many peoples lives and communities which maybe you'd get a better sense of if you actually pretended like you wanted to listen as much as you want to talk.

La Mapu and Pennies

2009-05-19T23:24:00.003-04:00

My first largely published work will be dedicated to La Mapu and pennies.

My mother and father will forgive me and Katie will understand.

But the first one goes to La Mapu because

We threw a party and no body came.

We threw a party and we ran from work, and counted pennies and lifted chairs , and baked cupcakes , and fought with strollers, and

nobody came.

And when I saw La Mapu , my first thought was " why is she here" . My second" YES SHE IS HERE"

because we wanted to show her something.

because we believed that people who said they would come would come.

because we believed that even though every " working on it white woman" who couldn't find their way to a decent link or even a respectful rsvp couldn't stop us

because having to bed people who quote you to treat you with even a MODICUM of respect or swallowing the bile again this time because maybe you might get enough money to live

because we didn't have to be flashy or "cool" or with it or "hip"to be respected .

That for one night she could see us being loved and listened to for who we are.

That was not the night.

we waited as it settled chasing Poroto , giggling , laughing, fighting it back watching two hours slip away

No one was coming

No one wanted to show Mapu that.

We are sistas with brown skin we knew that from jump.

How no one could understand what it was like to work and grit your teeth against every " Why are you here? " question. Even when asked with love because until someone else wants to pay your loans, mothers health insurance, fathers upkeep and deal with your bad teeth, tired soul, and old eyes in a young face the wonder at the "wasting of your life" is just one more judgement you don't need.

To be a mami and wonder exactly how many times you gotta rob Peter to pay Paul and how in the hell did these muhfuggers get your money anywho?

To read how amazing you are , while no one gives a damn about mitigating your pain , your suffering or even finding out what your history is?

or can even say your name when they talk about how amazing you are.

to wonder if this silence this ignoring this "forgetfulness " is planned or just the final realization that while talking about you is sufficient, privilege and entitlement means you can be ignored pretty fully and suffer no consequences , because someone is always eager to take your place?

and you 've no idea which is worse.

we wanted to show her something different and this was not the night.

And I cried myself to sleep for three days , and rediscovered my habit of wiping my dry face to remember not to cry

and promising my first work to La Mapu and the pennies that were counted to get her there.

So I can promise nothing more of "fight" in me for a while but this CD , this thing that is such a danger that is such a myth that it's existence is whispered ignored or written out of hat as the raving of "those women"

is still available.

and we still believe .

if nothing else we show her that.

Yeah I'm a geek

2009-05-18T23:54:00.003-04:00

For FOC _U

You need to know I am a geek . I big geek , Spock was one of my first crushes, I have seen every episode of firefly twice, I readfanfic, and review entire comics cannon

NERD child.

It's not aprt of my interests I regularly blog about becuase well this blog was bout me being a woman of color and my specific experiences and

well that includes being a fen of color.

And it's RACEFAIL 2009

Now what's special on this race fail is that it's not feminism but general fandome but the principles remain the same.

We don't exist

It's only now that we knew you were here

we're so poor and irritated blah blah blah to be a part of the fandom

I told you that second thing that was important to me was seeing Star Trek.

More importantly

seeing Star Trek with SPOCK/UHURA

so my spock crush and my little black girl linguist fantasies were both honored

but something crept up in the fandom ( an essential part of fen is that you form community fan fic smut loving you may not want to but you claim these weirdos as your own community)

People are UPST that Spock is with Uhura

now this is where my nerd child kicks into gear, as Uhura is the only one to play the vulcan lyreAND is the only person to get a smile out Spock and is IN CANNON as his mentee

and then I though about my other love

Firefly

and how Zoe while being the kicking assest to ever kick ass woman in the verse.

was often reviewed by some members of the fandom as being doting or "weakened" by her husband

and it' s become something I call

the

" Why is the black woman allowed to have a husband"

AKA as the like clockwork character assassination of any sista who is romantically attached to anyone above the accepted B-list sidekick of dubious talents

What struck me about these was the sheer mental gymnastics it takes to justify being against a relationship for this women

is based almost entirely on the need for these women to be archetypes of idealized " SBW" ness

because while a flawed struggling romantically inclined heroine in a white woman is GREAT AND STEPS FOR WOMEN

a black woman must walk an impossible to thread line that straight up

NEVER includes her own personal fulfillment

Star Trek has been a doozy

(this post gives you the gist of it)

but if you notice the ultimate end game is that she can not regardless of what she does , make a pleasing choice that ends up with her happy

and it is especially amusing as a " trekker" I say trekkie my love for all of my geekiness knows no bounds is that

while science fiction can imagine alien furballs and spawn multiple full languages it can not imagine a future or a space where Black Women can be happy with out having to invoke whore, or in a no win double bind

but is happy to complain that there aren't enough women to introduce a character FOR THE SOUL PURPOSE OF BEING WITH SPOCK WHICH THEY CLAIM MAKES UHURA a whore NOT TO MENTION NO CANON

or taking shots at a woman's willingness to be in her relationship as " subservience"

and how much does it mirror the experience of black women IN fandom.

where in women in fandom are constantly finding things " wrong" with the representation of women but has no care to listen to the representation of BLACK WOMEN and how they perceive these things meanwhiel championing white heroines as "complex"

and mainstream fandom spins around every ten years to tell us well it's TO HARD To deal with becuase we are so NEW ( as NEW as we were last decade)

or the constant barrage of unfounded ungrounded insults and degradations that go unanswered becuase someone jsutc an't explain why we make them so ANGRY

but where here today and we'll be here tomorrow

and yeah no only does impractical hair teh ability to wear the fuck out of a mini skirt and a love for dangly earrings ( or relaly huge boobs) not make you an amazingly big nerd

Niether does brown skin.

Talk to someon different

2009-05-14T15:30:00.003-04:00

I have been on vacation for the better part of a week and a half.

Hence why it goes form a blog post a week to two or three every day . Well more like these past couple days.

The most important part of my vacation however happened on the first day, yesterday,and today.

First day: I taught kids as a visiting person.

Yesterday: I saw Star Trek.( which will get a longer whole separate post later)

Today: I got Google Reader.

Teaching the kids was interesting , because my personal background is teaching. It is instinctive, and probably reflective of my ginormous ego , and my stupefyingly large mothering instinct. I hadn't been in a class with kids however in any meaningful way for a year . So I came in prepared . READY OUTLINED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I was late so totally and completely late . I swear to everything , I was cussing Queens, Brooklyn, the MTA , The DOE, the NYPD and traffic lights.

I entered the building in a Storm( is diva brings drama ) and had no time to do my notes. Not that I would have anywho , so I pulled up a chair and essentially said

Talk.

and it ( for the most part) worked.

They talked, I made jokes, and I got to listen. To the hopes fears, coping mechanisms, and effects of being young in the digital era.

It was funny. " My mom hears the word myspace on the news and wakes me up to tell me about"

and heartbreaking " I can't I'll say it wrong"

but it was the first time I had to in any small way describe myself to children as a blogger as a writer and it was good for me.

Because I had become afraid, and disillusioned and tired and gunshy.

I am afraid to speak on this blog. I am cautious and trepidations and obtuse.

I never was that.

I am afraid that the mere act of opening my mouth will get me labeled, drama queen or trouble maker or jealous. I am afraid that having any memory longer than two months will get me tagged as stalker ish and nitpicky and jealous. I am afraid to write because I have become disgustingly familiar with seeing things I have said watered down, and processed for palatability with no credit .

And no one can say that's not true , because everyone has seen it happen.

I have sat on it till it permeated my soul with the kind of anger and meanness and jealousy ( and coupled with my 9-5) exhaustion, that was literally dampening who i was. I was ALWAYS COMPLAINING , or philosophizing trying to martyr myself on some cross .

and then I listened to the kids.

and they promised me and I promised them that I would talk to and with new people, or newly to the people I know

so I'm a try one

There is a conversation going on some of the larger feminist blogs ( here,here, and here) about the opening of a new women's blog. called Double X( google reader is my downfall)

I am deeply perturbed by essentially everyone talking for various reasons. But mostly I have to share something.

One of the number one hits to my blog is a marketing agency. I will be the first to tell you I am not that big a fish in the blogosphere, even more so now that many people have pretended I do not exist.

That being said this development of women's magazines, and sites that re explicitly not only biting back at women's magazines, BUT ALSO "feminism".

As a RADICAL WOC my critiques have been specific to my experience but time and time again not just WOC, but trans women, young women,older women, mothers have online talked about feeling isolated not just from the stereotypical idea, but a feminism that claiming to speak FOR them not only would not engage with them in ANY way but expert to plebeian.

While many of them insist that the model is why you needs feminism , a LARGE HUGE GAPING HOLE is

" why does feminism need us"

If you are smarter, sexier, more human , better and do it ( whatever it) is that some of us

while needing to be lead taught handheld babies, and begged to treat us as human by others of us

while still others should be a okay with you stealing co opting ignoring tokenism

why should we sign up for this treatment?

ESPECIALLY if when challenged by the mere plebeian set there is nothing but challenged by anyone with hint of PATRIARCHAL power suddenly discussion is vital

( even though you're tired if you're tired I'm telling there are people who are EXHAUSTED)

and if these discussions result in a proliferation of people walking a way and saying

" I will wait for something that represents me , I will wait for someone that speaks to me on my level, I will wait for someone who shows me basic courtesy and respect or I will make my own"

If an entire swath of women can sound like 80's Janet Jackson " What Have You Done For Me Lately"

and your answers read more like what you've done for YOURSELF, there is a disconnect.

There is a desire to say well it's not in good faith , but the question is what has anyone done to earn it?

And if your rebuttal is well writing for women doesn't get enough real clout so why bother, it carries the underlying message that it is more important to get that clout than to solidify ( or even have a real discussion ) on solidifying the power women can have.

REGARDLESS.

The absence, silence and "forgetting" or being too busy being FABULOUS FEMINISTS to deal with " those women"

Someone will , if women and I've been in it for three years are responding to many of these conversations ( which essentially aren't happening ) with removal retraction and the firm sentiment that you're just not talking to me.

EVEN THOUGH I AM INTERESTED.

there now is a market for someone to say

" why worry about them at all?"

and this is not online , hell this isn't even NEW.

Time and time again , commercial market interests have proven that hey are often more wiling to listen to populations to sell them something , than activists are to organize with them.

That's historical. And rather than do any sort of gathering of the people you claim to representing to find out what's going you yell outwards toward the people who claim and will say in public that they have no interest in you

All in all it will be more of the same, because as always these conversations while claiming to be about "women" show and continue to show no interest in listening to women , at least not the ones who aren't in the right place saying the right things that can get " national change ( and for hells bells can we stop pretending that change don't matter unless it's big and flashy ) or the great Macguffin of getting something men had will essentially trun into a cooler than hipper than tou psuedo mix of opinions furthering some while essentially becoming simply one more scan through on google reader.

But prove me wrong , talk to someone different. Make me believe that what I told those kids is true.

Post 500

2009-05-11T22:51:00.002-04:00

I'll be memorial like later now I'm just mad
I am very very protective of people I love.

Mostly because I believe they will suffer for loving me. It is the first lesson my mother ever taught me.

I don't think she believes it , nor was it what she intended to teach , but I watched as the world taught her that.

The very IDEA behind this post brings out a rage in me.

Because while 5'7 and adorably athletic , the same thing would happen to my mother at periodic intervals.

You see there is an assumption in a woman especially of color with an accent has better things to be doing than raising her own kids.

And it is resurfacing again because now we are taking care of a precious baby boy , because his momma is dead and his grandma

is not a citizen

and is

someone else's nanny.

and what most of elle's " liberal" commentators fail to realize ( mostly because rather than listening to elle is secondary on their road to finding a way for THIS NOT TO BE RACIST)

is that there are perfectly acceptable conversations that happen when you find someone your child clicks with in a "special way" that value that connection and that person .

And none of these things happen there in.

Pretty and friendly as a hostess is par for the course. There is something about pretty and friendly in this case that ELLE'S NIECE was taken aback by that signaled something unsettling about the RIGHT TO BASICALLY TRY AND USURP HER AT HER JOB.

what clapifyoulikeme keeps saying is but babysitting young blah blah blah .

Well if you AREN'T AT WORK ALREADY cool, but the presumption that the job you have is less important than tending some kids you don't know WITH NO SETUP NO INQUIRY AND NO ACTUAL WOOING isn't an offer it's a presumption of hierarchy.

This lady had no goddamn interest in this girl besides a pretty commodity and while it means something TO YOU it may mean something very different who has DIFFERENT history with being sold.

aka as your opinion in this story serves to further nothing but alleviating this white lady by inserting your self in the position of someone ( someones actually an entire family of WOC who are offended

This is not the way you ask someone you respect to consider working for you at their place of employment. Notice how everyone changes this from a place of employment to just a simple "conversation"

all on the basis of the belief much like miss millie that self love and care would automatically be extended to her offspring

Bluey 512 while your busy looking for a way to propose that this might not be exploitative try this

In any situation where in the power dynamic is so imbalanced that you can safely assume that any response that does not AUTOMATICALLY privilege one party over another could be harmful or detrimental to the second party even if they are simply expressing they're actually desire ,

if the more privileged entitled party DOES NOT GO OUT OF THE WAY TO ENSURE EQUITY

guess what

it's exploitative.

and the false what is her role as a mother bullshit

What is her role as a mother
to raise her kids.

thank you for the nice try at making POC who are marked y generations of mothers being unable to raise their own kids not liking a dynamic that forces them to enable white women exploring other venues at THEIR EXPENSE as some sort of misogynistic fantasy.

It fails miserably

raising your own kids DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY mean staying home ,but using someone else's labor to establish your standing , and or participating in an unfair economy

IS YOUR OWN DAMN CHOICE

( and the fact that while elle mentions no mention of rate you feel the need to tack it on SPEAKS VOLUMES)

and save me heartbreaking irony

It's manipulation and coercion. It's use of privilege to ensure a certain lifestyle that very often disrespects any kind of community connection the worker may have to maintain a certain status and or leisure .

You don't ironically pay someone less than their worth, you don't ironically ask someone to do the day to day labor or raising a child while inherently needing to undermine their authority ( another post) .

Parties, running over sicknesses, projects,etc ESPECIALLY IN THE EXAMPLES ELLE USED which all of you ignored weren't some choice thing or a sad fact.

but scraped knees abandoned children less important than white ladies intent

Because childrearing this job doesn't not involve overtime and care and long term in equity or tales of women left leaving their kids because

she has been explicitly told to overstay or wait because " I Don't want to leave my children alone or with someone else" ( notice the denial of her personhood or her SEPARATION FROM HER EMPLOYER)

while I am bouncing PBB asking for his nana.

Because her children are more important than him?

NOPE cause her whiteness and her class are

My mother was often asked INFRONT OF ME to be other children's nanny at my private school because it was assumed the task of raising me had been done enough. Does the scenario of a stay at home propositioning another stay at home mom of same race and similar class pop into your head because her kids were "raised enough"

oh yeah that doesn't happen.

but please drown in more hypothetical while ignoring how elle elle's niece elles family and EVERYTHING ELLE WROTE so you can find the magic balm for how not to be racist

and ginmar

ahh ginmar

I'm going to speak like you for a bit

Fuck off.

Actually fuck off and fuck your wack ass shit. It's nice that you find a great strum and drang in "letting men of the hook" and disappearing men

but your so intent on protecting "women" ( not elle's niece or even elle who you can't mention by name)

that you completely ignore the article to complain about generic women and their husbands.

so way to disappear the entire post to save any kind of responsibility!

I get angry about this shit. I get hot and I get pissed because this ish right here is the example of so much of what is wrong , instead of analyzing and listening and working to effectively mobilize and de stigmatize places where they do have power you get to read page and comment of BULLSHIT of people trying to shift t blame about how it's cause they don't have enough power

as if we are to believe MORE will make them rescind this assinine self serving behavior.

OR maybe it's cause I get cranky as hell watching my mother talk about all the time she never got to enjoy being my mom in public having to fight this off

of the money she lost because they would pay enough to get me a sitter but not enough to actually let her be my mother

or it's because I love a little child who can't get all the things these women think are so essential to their own children because the idea of having to negotiate a live that DIDN'T EXPLOIT the women who provide it isn't something allowed on the table.

I my

2009-05-11T18:08:00.000-04:00

Please god let her be okay . Please god make whatever choice she has to make okay for her.

Please god

Please god

PLEASE

Do Not

2009-05-11T00:01:00.002-04:00

Ask me about my feelings on "feminist" support or women's alliance right now.

Because I just had the realization of

ONCE AGAIN

with people this time being extended the olive branch and courtesy of the voices of my sisters and the hospitality of my BEST FRIEND

have not tried to help contact or even SPEAK one iota

and did not have the COMMON FUCKING DECENCY to return contact on PERSONAL INVITATIONS.

And tell me again this shit isn't premeditated

The Ten Things You Need to Know about BIRKENSTOCKS

2009-05-09T13:54:00.005-04:00

Any conversation that asks me to critique feminism along of Birkenstocks vs non birkenstocks

will be handled thusly

1) Everyone does know that the cheapest " classic" style Birkenstock is well into the $100 dollar range right? So when you throw up the we're not THEM , it's less of a comment of your purpose than your spending habit cause you're actually not that far apart.

2) The stereotype of early feminists as non shaving Birkenstockers is why you have things like sex shops , and NOW etc.etc. so before you get all indignant about I AM NOT. I'm gonna need you to point out why your so adverse to such a characterization considering for a lot of you speaking they are the ONLY reason you have some of the shit you are saying

3) Because last time it happened in "the movement" it was the worlds thinnest veiled homophobia.

4) I respect no commentary by anyone who would be up in arms about it and then use it as a contrasting "caricature" for how non stereotypical they are.

5) Notice how no analysis of WHY this dumbass conversation comes round and round again and how it has to do with institutionalized power and privilege and avoidance of change in EITHER "side" ever comes up.

6) If you notice that any discussion of this phenomena constantly focuses you on white ablebodied women of a certain privilege. This is not an accident, and it's not something that you going " BUT BUT IT CHANGED MY _____________" makes any better.

6b) If you only notice this sort of thing because your group of choice is USUALLY included. See number 6

7) If you counter by listing the "activist brand" shit you do . The convo has failed keep it moving

8) This is not actually a generational conflict because you bet your sweet bippy the issues women who aren't in these groups run into with there elders NOT in these groups WHOLLY different.

9) The proper answer to any woman critiquing another woman for choosing her own aesthetic style un informed , for the sole purpose of providing not so subtle hints about how one could be more palatable to patriarchy is not " THAT'S SO UNFAIR TO ME" but so the fuck what ? Her life her choice , or does that only apply to you.

10) You know what the strawfeminist DOES EXIST. Somewhere out there there is a hairy legged 6ft manhating lesbian vegan, is she as prevalent as people want us to believe . Probably not, but before you fall all the hell over yourself declaring NO NOT TRUE " She doesn't exist , and fine if she did we'd understand the shit you do. Please Please for the love of humanity consider why we are okay with

declaring such a person unreal and or unvalid and some sort of collective boogey man
running from her as fast as our variously be shoed feet can take us
invoking her only when speaking to or in view of patriarchy
and re enforcing the belief she should be treated badly

Thank you and have a nice day

Of This

2009-05-07T19:44:00.003-04:00

There is something about THIS

that leads to this

that makes me think of that

but I had to hold it in so I wouldn't post on Cinco De Mayo.

because ultimately it was all about this:

Everybody gets to go to my country but me- Nadia

It makes perfect sense to me that the students at THIS are having such violent reactions to merely desiring to take up space on their own terms. Especially in art, any art but especially those that involve the physical body as the primary tool, dance, theater, vocal music there is a strange disconnect.

The somewhat theoretical understanding of how much those physical arts owe to the experiences and expression of oppressions of POC and other marginalised peoples coupled with the constant burbling undertone of

" You are already in a discipline fighting for legitimacy , please PLEASE please don't make it even harder by mucking it up with your *GASP* politics"

Meanwhile everyone pats there backs on how "liberal" they are, and you look around and you notice in a class on transgressive art talking about POC artists you are one of few POC in the room and pointing out that no one can speak to that but you has just made you really unsafe.

That your perseverance, your struggle which is not noble fodder for dram but the only thing you could think of doing ( you being your mama her mama her daddy those play cousins) , that triumph turns into

a tequila swilling booze fest, and it's not that, that erasure for repressed idiots to get there kicks

but the fact that it's canceled because the news needs sweeps month xenophobia to stay relevant so they drummed up a faux epidemic that conveniently manages to feed off of a hatred so bad that

you can be killed in the street

but the link that gets play is the one about white people because well they're not them right.

Everybody gets to go home but us. They don't even make time to talk about us when they're talking about us.

It is always about art, because in the end anything where we seek to tell a story even a " factual one" we are framing and moving choosing and not choosing concealing and highlighting and creating something.

I'm trying to find a way to go home.

Home is a dream , a peace of art just outside of this real world , where we don't have to be sorry or useful or explain why we deserve to live. Where we don't have to take shit, where speaking our language, swaying our hips , or living our lives aren't excuses to try and crush us.

I just want to go home

Home is real , the hood, Guyana, Barbados , India,Portugal,Brasil,Haiti France , Ireland all those places with my father, aunties and uncles and cousins and for mothers and brogues that course through my blood, but are more real to me as places people go to be drunk , or feel calls to or one off facebook experiences to find yourself, with full intent of leaving the ashes of what it took to do so right there.

What about me , I was never lost? What about if I ever found myself I'd never leave, and I'd never sell it , and I'd never expect nobody to be grateful for giving me such a boon

When Nadia writes about literally being told having a connection to a place being seen as a bad thing , it reached inside me somewhere and squished

The idea that it is better to bring in complete strangers with little to no connection as " objective observers" rather than educate those whose lives depend on it to best be the voices for themselves

Because when we use those voices, we have the audacity not to talk about them.

We're selfish that way , not to want to consider the big global impact or the " bigger picture" but instead our lives right here right now.

There is no competition in it for us. I read this all the time through out the blogosphere about the death of newsmedia, PRINT MEDIA IS DYING , followed by a triumphant shout.

And I want them to stop being so excited, because there not better. Print media is dying, and bloggers dancing on it's grave ain't no better.

Nobody is talking bout being thorough , or being good, or being responsible or accountable, nobody trumpeting about citizen journalism is pointingo ut what those citizens look like.

They just excited to kill somebody. And what about us?

What about those of us who don't want to kill nobody to eat, to live , to not die.

What about those of us who want to make art to go home, to tell a story to love something, to jsut make a loud crash, to reach out and be WITH the people , not above them.

Everybody gets to go home but us?

That all the people who are suddenly discovering their responsibility to brown people , WOC, trans people that have "come on home"

( and how quickly that return home is followed by asking for money or sweat, or using home as bully pulpit to chastize someone else for doing the shit they did less than two weeks ago)

but don't understand why we would be so angry about them deciding that this is suddenly home.

BUt mostly you should think about THIS

and wonder why being this or that of the other thing makes wanting to go home

something we have to explain.

BROOKLYN WE GO HARD WE GO HARD

2009-04-30T23:49:00.002-04:00

WE'RE HAVING A PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is super exciting and hopefully the first of a couple and also super small so if you haev ever dreamed of meeting me ( BLINK * BLINK*)

EMail EMail EMail go go go!

A CD BY RADICAL

WOMEN OF COLOR

It Is Better To SPEAK! Listening Party

Live readings by contributors Mamita Mala and Black Amazon

Saturday, May 16, 2009 - 7:00pm – 9:00pm

This party will take place in Brooklyn. For the address, please RSVP to katie@alliedmediaconference.org

All are welcome. Bring a friend and spread the word!

SPEAK! is a group of women of color media makers. In the summer and fall of 2008,

they created this CD compilation of spoken word, poetry, and song.

With contributors from all over the U.S., these recordings are testimonials of struggle, hope, and love.

Proceeds of this album will go towards funding single mothers of SPEAK! in coming to the 2009 Allied Media Conference in Detroit, MI.

CD/Zine/Curriculum = $16 CD only = $10

Donations always welcome at www.speakmediacollective.com

My Statcounter is good yall

2009-04-28T22:47:00.003-04:00

Pat Robertson thinks the GOP may be too white

Arlen Specter defected to the Dems

Be prepared for more , in all manner of styles.

Why?

Because peopel finally said no.

Because no matter what if they thirst for power or recognition or any kind of people pushed position, they NEED to be where it is .

Not the other way around.

Why do I say this has anything to do with my statcounter.

Cause I'm still in the mid 100's barely posting

all from posts about what trying actually looks like

suddenly it's a hot topic.

I give you a month for we start getting treatises on why we need to be radical from the same people who said it was way too much to be asking .

NEwsflash

That's why we ask for it , it's not like peopel in these kind of mindsets will come up with this shit by themselves

Loyal Five Words

2009-04-26T22:14:00.003-04:00

Education, cultural markers, womanism, snark, and loyalty.-Karnythia (awesome cyber auntie and editor of Verb Noire

With as much love and directness as possible, can we come to the beginning of a series of conversations that our explore our differences and widen the table at which we all sit – as readers, writers, bloggers, and activists of color?

What does the word radical mean to you, either as a self-descriptor, or as a descriptor for others with whom you do not identify? What implications does it carry? How/has it been reclaimed?

What is media justice and media reform? What are their points of tension? Points of potential collaboration?

How does engagement with feminism divide us? Help us collaborate?

What do you envision when the word “collaborate” is used in reference to White feminists? What experiences shape your perspective?- Lisa AWE

Karnythia gave me those words as a self description exercise many MANY months a go and Lisa ( the amazing wonderful Lisa used these questions to open up a space for WOC to discuss radicalism) and I kept trying to find clever ways to combine them cause well I'm lazy and couldn't but then I had a SHITTY ass day and burst into tears and went maybe if I write it out I'l feel better because i have so much to do.

I fell most radical when I am passionate. I find it funny because to me it is . It just it is.It is part of my DNA it is part of my cultural heritage.I started this blog with jokes about my machete, and my I am coming to get em.

My mother saved her mothers life in the face of a machete.

From her father, my grandfather who beat my grandmother with the special kind of hell fire that man who thinks he's better than his wife can. and she in turn would wail and beat on my bother because she was afraid. Afraid of what would happen.

Oddly enough my mother was my grandfather's favorite. And as befits the mothe rof someone who has the gall to call her self an Amazon., was a pistol becoming on of the first women to try and join the police academy. My grandfather was puffed with pride.

" What is the first thing you gonna do when your an officer?"

" If you keep beating mommy arrest you."

I come get you , I come get em.

That's the stories I grew up on , of loyalty of love . No matter what if I pledge to you that I'm a come get em or you . You do

or at the very least I make sure you don't have to stand alone. If I fail we are honest about . We live this moment the next moment here with you for you.

We come get you, we don't lie, we don't obfuscate and if it takes a life time to get you . To understand to love to save even if we're not sure why if we bond our lives to yours we come get you. We don't leave you behind.

And I want to say it's led to some fantastical life for me as so many people seem to think it has. I overcommit to everything. I'm so sensitive I'm unhappy at work so i'm starting to break out in hives,i can't stick up for myself . I'm afraid toc omplain becuase I'm scared and we all knwo what happens when I open my mouth right

And I feel it

I feel we have to help we have to be THERE in that moment.

Becuase it gets beat out of us so hard. To me most of my eductaion while full or opportunities and learned skills was more about getting it beat out of you so hard.

If you meet me ask to see my wrists, the left one is scarred and marked and both from tiem to time would be full of the "cicatrice"

I want to say I stopped , I'm pretty sure I told yall I did but when I am sad or enraged part of my education was to hurt myself.

I was this child writing suicide notes at 12. Researching just how many asprin it takes to kill a fat girl how much drano do you have to drink and will it hurt, They say if you bleed out it's like sleep.I wasn't gay , but I was fat and nerdy and blind and teased and hit and so full of rage that i couldn't use that till now when it bubbles things break. That being chased into bathrooms and ripping doors of hinges wasn't okay even though they threatened to whop my ass because I had to be good. I had to be ready to be good to be polished to be right to have those markers.

That is why we come for you, I come get em

To go through this. TO delight in Shakespeare, and realize you were a zoo animal. To learn your voice is dippes in platinum and never get to use it right becuase unlike others you were sending your money home to pay rent. To know those who had it so much worse and better.

And feel that the entire point was to get "in" not to learn not to be but to get in. To read that and realize the sheer unadultered rage I felt and recounting these things . To hear these well I'm in so how do I keep my in in every single quote. To hear the whispers of how do we get them to stop making us feel bad by breathing.

But I'm getting you "in"

and realizing YOU the real YOU that YOU you got made doesn't get in.

That is why we come for you I come get em.

To get that razor tongue well versed multilingual that verbal machete that CUTTER. And realize that this this snark , this artifice is valued more than your passion your love.

That your not in but you can make it look stupid. Or that the world is so fucking bizzaro so built on you being hurt and erased and silence that fuck it we will snark it but good cause if we didn't wed'd sob ery day and if we do get there someone will tell us stop be good, be nice to the people who assault you. Who steal your humanity, who pretend you don't exist, who think it's okay to steal your ideas and use your life to justify one MORE ROUND OF MEEE MEEE MEEE

That all of this bundeled me toward womanism , toward this radical loves love auntie. That if the Idea that we don't concentrate on getting in or getting out but comeing to get each other to get that thing that hurts that if nothing

else we will be the people who think of each other as human first

That is what I think of as media , that is what I imagine it is to bring justice OR reform .

That when we say radical love , it's a joke its an in crowd thing. It is pie in the sky because we believe that the end point is not validation but sight , that i see you that i hold you that i let you be

and I will travel to do so

I come get you.

That when I reach out you reach out that we stand in the face of everything and we say what we mean.

That coming to get you isn't about ME

It's about being there for you seeing you loving you is about making sure that you get be you teh you you are teh you you wnat to be

safe and loved and free

that si the radical , teh loyalty .

That is teh tears the pain teh circatrice the blood

that is teh after ALL OF this teh get up again.

I'm just .................

2009-04-20T10:46:00.002-04:00

No.

Just no.

It's not okay. It's not okay if your not trans to make publish advance or put forth a "joke" another
woman being a tranny ( I don't give a fuck about her politics)

and say well you know I read it this way why is everyone so sensitive

because you cisgendered lady like ME a cisgendered lady

and no you don't get the benefit of the motherfucking doubt because you

NOT BEING TRANS have no idea the real world pound of flesh trans people pay for these kind of attitudes

and no having to default to it's ironic doesn't work

because people who go hey hey hey isn't funny that people presenting as one gender aren't good enough at it

so we can mock and abuse them

( well it's okay fi we don't like something else about them which is only for US TO DECIDE )

is and since you are so motherfucking proud of of your degree let's use some deductive and inductive reasoning

how far is the slope to you know beatings and general second class citizenship

( which all to cutely you like to let us know you don't have to deal with)

if we construct jokes and abuse ( because let's be honest I know it's hard but teh point is abuse) around gender presentation......

or how bout this

when

12 YEAR OLD CHILDREN KILL THEMSELVES OVER SHIT LIKE THIS AND ACTUAL TRANSWOMEN WALK THE EARTH IN FEAR EVERY FUCKING DAME

well um

I'm usually right ( and once again says who)

and WAAH BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT

isn't an apology

it's fucking disgusting

Is annoyed and outraged

2009-04-13T00:04:00.002-04:00

To share EVEN PARTY of her pseudonym with the fuck ups at amazon.com your de linking LGBT Books?

FUCK YOU

This is why we support INDEPENDENT booksellers.

Let's make powells and the like extra money

Bump this

MarkProbst