Jokes Joint

Peanut

2009-02-19T10:49:00.002-05:00

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, Salty."

Titanic and My Life

2008-02-25T13:20:00.000-05:00

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

Titanic:.... cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:.... . The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Ti tanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:...... Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton :.... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:...... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:...... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :.... Monica....ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing

Strong Drunk

2007-04-28T14:15:00.000-04:00

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

The Irish and the Steering Wheel

2007-04-25T00:00:00.000-04:00

An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants.

"Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?"

"Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"

A Careful Monkey

2007-04-20T21:00:00.000-04:00

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

A Message for the Bar Manager

2007-04-13T14:22:00.000-04:00

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?"

He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?"

She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..."

Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss."

She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!"

She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

Gator does a really cool trick

2007-04-09T00:52:00.000-04:00

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

Breast Enlargement Idea

2007-04-06T13:46:00.000-04:00

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

Lie Clocks

2007-04-04T16:43:00.000-04:00

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie"

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."

"Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"George's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

The Danger of Anal Sex

2007-04-01T00:00:00.000-04:00

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.

The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no.

The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

My Daddy Is a Lawyer

2007-03-30T00:00:00.000-04:00

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

Asking a Lawyer for a Donation

2007-03-29T00:00:00.000-04:00

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Two Tigers in the Jungle

2007-03-26T10:10:00.000-04:00

The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

Jay Leno Humor

2007-03-16T01:08:00.000-04:00

"The administration is still taking a lot of heat for firing eight U.S. attorneys. That shows you how unpopular this administration is -- when the people are siding with the lawyers."

"The chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Peter Pace, told the Chicago Tribune he considers homosexual acts to be immoral. In fact, he feels so strongly about this issue that he won't shake hands with the Navy's Rear Admiral."

"President Bush is safely back from his tour of Latin America. He said it really opened up his eyes. He said, 'We thought we had a lot of illegal immigrants here, they're all over the place down there.'"

"An elite military unit made up of Native American Indians is now being used to track down terrorists in the Middle East, including Osama bin Laden. They're over in Afghanistan right now. They haven't found bin Laden yet, but they did open 13 casinos."

Blonde's Father

2007-03-02T00:05:00.000-05:00

What did the father say to his blonde daughter?
''If you're not in bed by 11, come home.''

Fridge

2007-03-02T00:00:00.000-05:00

Q: How can you tell a blonde's been in your fridge?
A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.

Hardest Word

2007-03-01T00:00:00.000-05:00

A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew.

The brunette's word was quizzical.

The redhead's word was photosynthesis.

The blonde's word was dick.

The devil and the old man

2007-02-28T00:00:00.000-05:00

Joke submitted by Jhuvette:

The church was full and all of a sudden the doors at the back of the church blew open; in came a floating, glowing, scary-looking devil!

As the devil entered, the congregation scattered and disappeared, except for one little old man sitting on the front pew.

The devil floated up in front of the old man and looked him square in the eye and said, "Arrr! Why didn't you run from me? Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The little old man calmly answered the devil, "Because I have been married to your sister for fifty years."

Viens Chez Moi

2007-02-27T00:00:00.000-05:00

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."

The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."

So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."

Sharing Everything

2007-02-26T00:01:00.000-05:00

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn''t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"

The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."

Wrinkly

2007-02-26T00:00:00.000-05:00

What's that wrinkly thing on Grandma?
Grandpa.

Pickle Slicer

2007-02-25T00:00:00.000-05:00

This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home and hands his wife 50 dollars.

She asked him what it was from and he told her that he won it in a bet -- the guys at the factory bet him 50 dollars that he wouldn't stick his dick in the pickle slicer.

The wife was surprised and said she wanted to make sure he was still intact. He pulled down his pants and, indeed, it was all there, unharmed. “But what about the pickle slicer,” asked the wife, perplexed.

“Oh, she liked it too,” answered the husband.

Crossing Presidents

2007-02-24T00:00:00.000-05:00

What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and George Bush?

A pimp with a speech impediment.

Little Johnny's Mom stats

2007-02-22T00:00:00.000-05:00

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.

Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and then sends him to his room.

On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"

Crabs

2007-02-20T00:01:00.000-05:00

This guy goes to a whorehouse and gets a whore for $10.

The next day he's itching like crazy. He goes back to the hooker to complain, saying, "You gave me crabs!"

She says, "What do you expect for $10, lobsters?"