Unfailing Love

2008-08-25T11:06:00.001-07:00

ME AND THE BOYS
Rad and I talked a bit last night about my life and the changes I've been going through.

The transition to Northern California was tough and easy at the same time. I had a great man waiting for me, a great church and God. But I left behind some good friends and opportunities to participate in ministries as a single woman.

Much of my time these days is spent keeping the new house in order and looking for work. It takes a lot of work to keep the house tidy especially since we are somewhat crammed into a small space. My husband's house was packed before I arrived. After I got here with my things and then my son moved in, things were even more cluttered.

I've spent a lot of time cleaning the garage and making space inside the house. I've taken several trips to Goodwill to deposit items we aren't using or don't need or have 2 of. I've enjoyed the work - the feeling of participating in my new life, the feeling of making things nice and more comfortable for my new family.

I read a Max Lucado devotional the other day where he stressed that our first ministry is at home, with our family. This is something I'm getting used to. It is just hard to give up some of that control. When you're single, you can pick from a smorgasboard of ministries. It was a time in my life where I experienced a tremendous amount of freedom. But I think I knew that and I did live my single life to its fullest. I have no regrets, only really wonderful memories.

BEING MARRIED IS HARD
I think being married is the toughest thing I've ever done as a single person. (and you can quote me on that! haha)

Being married requires me to compromise, humble myself daily, have patience, have faith and work through conflict again and again and again.

I see now how ministry prepared me for marriage. The tougher the service in His name, the closer I got to being ready for marriage. That isn't to say that I didn't fail miserably in the "work through conflict" department - I did. Well, I failed some of the time, not all of the time. But all that I put into humbling myself, forgiving others and alternately holding my tounge and expressing my feelings in a healthy way (a craft I've yet to master but I'm getting decidedly more proficient with each trial)has contributed to preparing me for marriage.

My husband and I have conflict every day. Some would say "well, why did you marry that person?" Because our marriage is the most God-centered, fruitful relationship that I've had. It is authentic and real which means we bring our REAL, UNMASKED selves to the table and neither of us is perfect!

PRAYERS
I pray that my new mom-ministry will be fruitful. I have my own son living with us now. He's 18 and in college. He has tremendous talent but we haven't the means to send him to art school right away. I still need to work on healthier boundaries with him and letting go. Then there are my husband's sons. They are getting used to me and me to them. I want to humble myself and be glad for the work and trials involved. I also want to be a healthy example of a woman who loves Jesus.

I know God has brought me to this point and I know, no matter how tough, I'll get through this with His strength. On my own strength, I'd be toast!

2008-08-20T18:31:00.002-07:00

OUR STORIES, HIS STORY
Read a friend's testimony today I am reminded of my own. I used to have it written here in this blog but I removed it after a time. To protect the innocent, as they say because I'd referred to some people in it and then decided maybe they didn't want some of those details made public. Still, I might re-write it again. I'm not sure. What I read today inspired me. The good thing is, my testimony is still unfolding...God's work in me just beginning. Chapters are building upon chapters.

I have grown more intimate with God in the past few years. And with the deepening of that relationship I've learned a lot more about Him and a lot more about me. Through counseling and the building of authentic relationships where I have encouraged people to speak truth into my life, I've had many valuable lessons. I dunno. Is this just another definition of wisdom? Whatever it is, it's painful. But it's surely good.

My friend's testimony was boldly written. She let it all out - the unsightly - the bruised - the ugly. I was intrigued, surprised and elated. Her honesty a testament to the trust-relationship she has with her savior. Her story, HIS story.

THINKING BACK
The first time I gave my testimony in church I believe now that I focused on the "victim" side of my life. I talked alot about what had been done "to" me and how I had risen above such circumstances and forgiven those involved. Now, I see that story as the "first layer" of truth. It was embarassing to talk about the stuff that hurt me. Hmmmm. But then, there are the things I did to hurt others.

Whenever I hear or read someone's story where they are willing to spell out what a lousy muck they were - I am humbled. I am amazed and I am weakened - my shell of pride stripped. One day, will I tell everyone all the things I've done? It took such a long time for me to tell Jesus.

But He knew all the time anyway, didn't He?

And everytime we humble ourselves and admit what a schmuck we are or have been (or are...does it ever stop?) we defeat Satan. We defeat our pridefullness. We give glory to the Father who loves us.

LOVING EVEN ME
I've done some pretty pathetic things in my life. Betrayed myself. Betrayed people. Betrayed God. I know now there is a force that opposes God and seeks to destroy me. It is this one who whispered to me for a long time...we don't need to let people know THAT about you...THAT would be just TOO MUCH INFORMATION...THAT would make them JUDGE you and HATE you. But letting this stuff out is powerful - it is the type of authenticity Jesus called for.

John 10:10 reads "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

The thief kills us by tempting us to hold onto the dirty stuff. The thief robs us of the joy that comes from knowing that God forgives us for (yeah) EVEN THAT.

PRIDE IS POWERFUL, HUMILITY MORE POWERFUL
Pride robs us of much. They say we are most like Satan when we are full of pride and I know this to be true. My own pride has caused my stubbornness, short-sightedness and distancing from God. Pride can accomplish a lot of damage. Even a tiny bit of pride can have a huge impact on a situation. But the pride I hold onto inside myself, the thoughts that no one knows about but me, are probably the most damaging.

Maybe it is jealousy, maybe it is judgement of others, maybe it is a tinge of unforgiveness...pride's potent in the smallest of amounts. Traces of poison over time can kill someone.

Humbling myself before God with all that I'd done and felt was difficult. Even hanging onto a "victim mentality" was poison for me. It blinded me so that I neglected to ask: was I responsible for any of the situations that hurt me. Sometimes, I was. Sometimes, I was just responsible for situations wounding me over and over again because I refused to humble myself and forgive.

THE GOOD STUFF
The best part of my friend's story was the "ending" - gee, I hate to call it that now...like mine, her story is still unfolding. But where she is at today brings glory to God and her faith is inspiring. How good it is to know that God will use every hurt we hand him? How good it is to know that when we're ready, he'll be there to listen?

2008-08-20T09:08:00.000-07:00

Don't Be Reluctant to Show Mercy
by Rick Warren

When people sin, you should forgive and comfort them, so they won't give up in despair. 2 Corinthians 2:7 (CEV)

*** *** *** ***

In real fellowship people experience mercy. Fellowship is a place of grace, where mistakes aren't rubbed in but rubbed out. Fellowship happens when mercy wins over justice.

We all need mercy, because we all stumble and fall and require help getting back on track. We need to offer mercy to each other and be willing to receive it from each other.

You can't have fellowship without forgiveness because bitterness and resentment always destroy fellowship. Sometimes we hurt each other intentionally and sometimes unintentionally, but either way, it takes massive amounts of mercy and grace to create and maintain fellowship.

The Bible says, "You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others" (Colossians 3:13 NLT).

The mercy God shows to us is the motivation for us to show mercy to others. Whenever you're hurt by someone, you have a choice to make: Will I use my energy and emotions for retaliation or for resolution?

You can't do both.

Many people are reluctant to show mercy because they don't understand the difference between trust and forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past. Trust has to do with future behavior.

Forgiveness must be immediate, whether or not a person asks for it. Trust must be rebuilt over time.

Trust requires a track record. If someone hurts you repeatedly, you are commanded by God to forgive them instantly, but you are not expected to trust them immediately, and you are not expected to continue allowing them to hurt you. They must prove they have changed over time. The best place to restore trust is within the supportive context of a small group that offers both encouragement and accountability.

© 2008 Purpose Driven Life. All rights reserved.

2008-08-19T15:22:00.000-07:00

Oh my...so much going on...I have (yet again!) neglected blogging.

Life's been so full for me as of late. I was married a little more than a month ago...and leading up to that...my life's circumstances changed dramatically. Looking back, I suppose it would have been nice to have been blogging my way through but it wasn't in the cards.

Today I'm just thinking about YOU. About anyone who is still reading this blog or drops in from time to time. I drop in on your blogs too. I'm grateful for the blogging community which provides each of us with a wealth of people who like to not only read about people like me (!) but on occassion, will give advice, send well-wishes and even pray for me. Thank you, cyber-friends.

Northern California is going well. I am enjoying being married and living with my husband and our sons...yes, my son moved in with us too. So we've got a busy household a few nights a week (some nights, my husband's sons are with their mom). The busyness of the house has helped me from lamenting too long or feeling the anxiety and depression which inevitably follows too much isolation for me. So thank you, Lord. You are GOOD. Continually, abundantly, remarkably GOOD.

LOSSES
I've experienced some profound losses recently. With many of those losses (like the loss of my old small group) the Lord has replaced the emptiness with something new...like my current small group whom I deeply love. Yet one of the losses cannot be replaced and I find myself aching intensely when I think about it.

Without going into too much detail, a friend of mine asked that we part ways after she expressed that I had done some things that hurt her. We never really talked it out...she sent me an email explaining her feelings and declined an invitation to talk on the phone (as we no longer live in the same area).

I remember the last time I called her. It was just to say "hey, I heard this song on the radio...I'm laughing...I want to share with you..." Gee, I want to blog more on the subject but I need to leave it alone...

THINKING BACK...
I was thinking back recently to the time when I first began this blog. My friend encouraged me to write and I found that it was my salvation in my darkest times. Through writing I've learned much. I have something to say. There are people who still want to listen. God loves me so much.

When I started this blog I was leading a small group and oh my goodness those times were hard. I didn't know the first thing about what I was doing and I made so many mistakes. It was like I couldn't help but make mistakes. I met some really wonderful people in my first small group. I know that the Lord put us all together and I still communicate with many of those people.

We were a bunch of people, mostly people who had returned or turned recently to Christ, and we really cared about one another. I used to grow frustrated when people didn't show up or take the study seriously (I took it all far to personally). I used to want everyone's walk to be exactly as my own.

Since then, I've faced issues with my co-dependency, my controlling-nature, my anxiety and fears. And the answers are always always always the same...go to God, take it to God, trust God.

THINK AND SINK
Someone was sharing the story where Jesus asked Peter to get out of the boat and walk on the water...the more Peter began to THINK, the faster Peter began to SINK. For an intense person like me ... writing can SOMETIMES be a huge trap. Too much THINK...too much SINK. So I try not to over-analyze so much. Hmmmm, let me re-state that. I try not to think too much without talking to God about it first because often times, He has the answers. He is just waiting for me to quiet myself down so he can share them with me.

So that's the extent of my blog for now...you know, too much thinking and all...thank you for continuing to read and care...our intersections are gifts from God!!

2008-06-06T08:05:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post here...

I reflected a bit further on the subject of intimacy. Even though I've recognized some patterns that I have, I'm not sure I've completely "crossed-over" when it comes to intimacy. In fact, I'm sure that I haven't but I'm getting there and it feels good.

I think the kind of intimacy I'm talking about is where one enters into a relationship with someone and is willing to withstand and share truth (even if it hurts)and submitting to conflict when necessary. Plainly, these things are very tough for me. With truth, I am often afraid there will come criticism that would wound parts of my already insecure self. With conflict, I'm afraid the relationship will end or be permanently damaged.

This is why getting to know Jesus and understanding our place in Christ is so vital. Since I am in Christ:

I am the salt of the earth (Matthew 5:13)
I am the light of the world (Matthew 5:14)
I am a branch of the true vine, a channel of Christ's life (John 15:1,2)
I am a join heir with Christ, sharing His inheritance with Him (Romans 8:17)
I am God's workmanship (Ephesians 2:10)

Wow! I'm a lot of things! A whole new person!

I'm headed this weekend to my first retreat with the study group I've joined at my new church. I'm looking forward to it. Later on this weekend, I will be serving with my church at a local festival. We will be handing out water and offering prayer to the festival attenders. I'm looking forward to serving.

Have a great weekend!

2008-06-04T22:19:00.000-07:00

Full Steam Ahead

37 more days to go and then I am married...

2008-05-28T10:30:00.001-07:00

POURING OUT
In my last post I reflected on my Exodus. My journey. Well, I'm on it to be certain. Yeah, there's been a bit of wandering but there have been revelations as well. I can feel deep changes taking place in my life, my self, my soul. Like a deep tissue soul massage. I've got knots and kinks in my heart and in my thought-life patterns. This extended soul road trip has been desperately needed and I'm praising God today for loving me so much.

Going deeper in my relationships with people is what set off a chain of painful yet healthy events over the past year. Stuff's come up. Stuff's come out. I'm getting to know me and the Lord in a whole new way.

Honey seems tasteless to a person who is full, but even bitter food tastes sweet to the hungry. Proverbs 27:7

2 years after I gave my life to the Lord I began serving on staff at my church. I loved to serve and I loved my church very much. I enjoyed helping others and it gave me a sense of significance that I was longing for. I met so many people and I felt loved by them. I also enjoyed being busy. Quiet and quality time with God was always interrupted. I typically found myself working on my Sabbath. But it's for the church, right? So it's okay. It's for the Lord, right? So this must be what he wants me to do. What baloney.

So whereas I was loved by many people and I felt love from God. I was floating just under the radar when it came to intimacy. Did people know facts about my life? Yes. Did people know what brought me to my knees and then eventually to the Lord? Yes. Did people know what was going on with me when I would grow down and frustrated about life. Errrrh...sort of. Hmmm. Well...not really.

In the past year that I have not served in ministry, I've had the chance to reflect more deeply on what's ailing me and work with a wonderful counselor. It was then I began to see some patterns in my life. I could see that I had issues with intimacy. I put the connection together that this was probably why I had remained single for so long.

Some of the biggest symptoms were that I couldn't successfully handle conflict or criticism. Which is what marriage is all about, right? Seriously, this is the mark of a healthy, strong relationship. This is honesty. This is authenticity. Yeah, it sometimes hurts when someone tells you you suck. But this dialog can contribute to how we grow. In godly relationships, truth is spoken in love. At the foot of the cross I came to some great truths about myself and my past. I also came to understand the depth and breadth of God's vast love.

I avoided conflict at all costs (not too hard to do when you don't choose to delegate anything...you say YES to way too much work then isolate yourself with it even to the point that it's killing you...). Criticism hit me deeply. (after all, a "martyr" doesn't want to hear she sacrificially killed herself for you the wrong way... or to put it another way, no one can bust you on your unhealthy behavior if you're always serving them like a dog, can they?) My behavior was really manipulative now that I think about it.

My name is Danielle
In my life, being a leader was how I received accolades and praise. When I stopped leading, the praise grew dimmer. People criticized me. People criticized my relationship with Radford. Throughout this time, I kept thinking of the meaning of my name, Danielle. It is from Daniel, which means "God is my judge." I kept thinking this over and over and telling myself not to worry about what other people might be thinking. I was living for an audience of one. It was difficult to climb down off my post at church and say that it was going to be all about me, for a time. Well, it was going to be all about me and my relationship with the Lord. Just me and Him. Cleaning up.

Charles Swindoll wrote:

"Hypocrisy permits us to travel both sides of the path--to look righteous but be unholy, to sound pious but be secretly profane. Invariably, those who get trapped in the hypocrisy syndrome find ways to mask their hollow core. The easiest approach is to add more activity, run faster, emphasize an intense, ever-enlarging agenda."

My hypocrisy, my profanity has been that I haven't trusted God with everything and that I was offering my busy life to God instead of my aches and wounds. How hypocritical I was to think that the Great Healer was there for those who hurt worse than I do. How foolish I was to limit the Lord and not take my burdens to him. For my weaknesses and my pains are really my transgressions, the wood plank in my eye.

When I gave my life to Christ, I was transformed in a very dramatic way. A lot of the anxiety I had felt was swept away. Much of my depression was gone. Knowing I was loved by God, that I was no mistake and that God has a purpose for me life was cool clean water to my thirsty soul. And I was a woman who was so broken. Christ's touch was soft and loving. Understanding and saving. But the causes of my anxiety and depression were still within me. I've been dealing with these issues for the past year with Radford's encouragement and the encouragement of my closest friends and mentors. I am learning it is going to take some work to break free from those strongholds. It begins with forgiveness of those who have hurt me. This is where I'm at right now. My prayer is that I can forgive fully and be rid of the hurts. To even get to this place has been tough. I am in the beginning of this process.

Oh Israel, how can you say the LORD does not see your troubles? How can you say God refuses to hear your case? Have you never heard or understood? don't you know that the LORD is an everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth? He never grows faint or wear. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak. Even youths will become exhausted, and young men will give up. But those who wait on the LORD will find strength. They will fly high on wings of eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:27-31

One thing that attracts me to my husband to be and to my closest friends is their desire to grow. I connect with them because they also understand there's a freedom in Christ but that we won't get there unless we take some necessary steps to break free from these strongholds. Practically speaking, this involves examining our relationships with people and identifying where things went wrong or where thing are going wrong. And then trusting God to walk with us on the journey of conflict, confrontation and forgiveness.

I want to be strong for the Lord and allow him to strengthen me and direct my life. I believe I am still on that Exodus away from slavery. The promised land lies ahead. Or maybe to the left. Or maybe to the right. Hmmmm...I'm not too sure but I have faith that after I've finished my wandering and fighting these battles, I'll be with him forever. I'm learning too that sometimes in the wandering there is a plan, there is a purpose and even sidesteps can bring us one breath closer to the Lord. He's just cool that way.

2008-05-27T09:47:00.001-07:00

What am I doing here?

I've been in Northern California for close to 3 months now. I'd like to say that the majority of my time has been spent looking for work. But actually, the majority of my time has been spent worrying about finding a job and worrying about my finances.

I do look for work. I've been on several interviews but nothing's panned out yet. Meanwhile, I spend a lot of time in my apartment just thinking...

I'd like to say that "the Lord's got me in this place" but I think instead that "I've got me in this place." And this is just a sick way of thinking. I'm just being honest here with what's going on in my head. This pity-party is what I'm fighting right now.

I battle worry and concern. I'm asking God for guidance. This is supposed to be my Exodus, right? Not the MOVE up here, friends. The exodus of my life, the exodus from my old-self to the new creation I am in Jesus Christ and that means getting away from the slavery of my anxieties and worry. That's what I long to break free of. That's what has kept me bound. That desire to control. That desire to know what's up ahead. Eish, I hate it.

David wrote in Psalm 34:

I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.

I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.

Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.

The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.

Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.

The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.

Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,

keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.

Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;

the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;

he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.

Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.

The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

I have deep issues when it comes to my financial security. It was an issue for me growing up in a single parent home. I won't go into the full story here but I began working at an early age and I've always been determined to provide for myself. But it is the Lord who provides and who will provide for me. The Bible says "the love of money is the root of all evil." I haven't made money my God. I believe my worry over it is what's lording over me at the moment. I ask that the Holy Spirit would help me break free from this worry.

To start on that path to breaking free, I sing His praises. I sing in a loud and somewhat akward tone. I sing with a dry throat and shaky voice but I'm singing and I know, God, you are listening...

Lord, I praise you for this day
for your unending mercy
for being so BIG that I kept running into you
for being so loving that you'd forgive a wretch like me
for calling me to rest
for cancelling my debt
for teaching me what love is and helping me turn from my old ways

Lord, thank you for my blessings
for my fiance' who called to read me an inspirational devotional this morning from his car before he went into work
for my friends who write and ask "how can I pray for you"
for my friends who text message me notes of encouragement
for the chance to become a step mom soon and grow as a woman
for my new church
for all the new people I am meeting and enjoying

Amen

So you might be wondering why I put up a photo of a squirrel eating a pancake. Well, something about it appealed to me. Maybe because squirrels aren't supposed to eat pancakes but the pancake showed up none-the-less. I think that's what I'm waiting for. I'm waiting for the Lord to do something unexpected.

I'm waiting for my pancake.

2008-05-23T08:22:00.000-07:00

COME THIRSTY

I had in mind an idea for a post tonight. It was going to be about "being thirsty" and the "living water" that is Jesus Christ. The theme of being thirsty and desiring a drink from the living water has been in my head a lot lately. I think of how thirsty I am for God. How parched I feel at times. And no matter what I drink, nothing quenches like God.

Jesus answered (to the Samaritan woman who was drawing water at a well...) "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." John 4:13-14

This truth sounds so good to me. I believe I can taste that clear clean water in my soul...I believe I have seen enough of life to know what bad water tastes like...I believe I know what a dry, cracked soul feels like...and just knowing this promise exists and is real compels me to speak of it...

I searched for a time for a good photograph. I wanted one that depicted someone who was thirsty or taking a drink of water. When I searched on the word "thirsty" I found a lot of different types of photos. Mostly of dogs or cats drinking. I found a lot of photos of thirsty people drinking beer or soda. There were even quite a few photos of monkeys drinking from fountains.

I found one photo of people at a finish line. I thought, I'd be pretty darn thirsty after finishing a race. Yeah. I believe the "thirsty" tag was appropriate for this photo. I could relate to feeling thirsty at a race.
Actually, I'd be pretty darn thirsty while I was running the race. I'd be the one to stop during the race and take a drink before moving on. I get THAT thirsty. I'm not a very disciplined person. I would probably start the race dehydrated and figure I'd get a drink along the way. I would probably have a hard time even finishing the race because I'd be too busy thinking about how thirsty I was. I suppose that's life for ya. I mean, races.
Then I saw this photo of a cat drinking from the toilet. I appreciated this. My sister's cat used to drink from our toilet. Drinking from a toilet is what I can only describe as "practical yet disgusting." One is thirsty and the toilet is unoccupied and unsecured. It would make sense to some...if you're a cat.

I wonder if a cat believes it is getting away with something when it drinks from a toilet. Much like when cats will try walking across countertops or tables they know they've already been shooed off of.

And then there's always the other reason: to a cat, the water probably tastes fresher because toilets are often flushed more frequently than water bowls are changed.

But still, it's toilet water, right?

So I am thinking more about the living water. I am thinking about where I go when I'm thirsty. What am I drinking? When I'm parched for the living water, why do I sometimes find myself head down into the toilet?

the t.v. toilet
the internet toilet
the radio toilet
the anxiety and fear toilet

John wrote: "and the angel showed me a pure river with the water of life, clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb, coursing down the center of the main street. On each side of the river grew a tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, with a fresh crop each month. The leaves were used for medicine to heal the nations." Revelation 22:1-2

Imagine. Water so pure it feeds the trees of life and from such trees nations are healed. Imagine what it would heal in me.

Lord, tonight I come thirsty.

2008-05-23T08:00:00.000-07:00

JOURNEY

This is real love. It is not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrafice to take away our sins. 1 John 4:10

My journey changed once I knew this. I came to realize that it isn't about what I can do for the Lord but what he has already done for me. It was tough for me to comprehend the kind of love that had no requirement other than to accept it. The kind of love I was used to was performanced based. And it was usually me performing.

2008-05-23T01:26:00.000-07:00

LANDSCAPES

Hi Everyone. Well, Hi Anyone. I'm not sure too many people are checking out this blog these days seeing that I have not tended to it in some time. I thought to start a new blog recently when I had the urge to write. I set it up last evening, but it didn't feel quite right. Guess I needed a bit of the old landscape.

The photo above was taken not to far from where I am living now. I moved 2 months ago from Southern California to Northern California. My landscapes have changed.

Here, the beaches are cold but I would say they are more majestic. But you know, different is different. Different isn't necessarily tough but it IS different. I am slowly getting used to my surroundings. I believe it feels like home, yet I do miss my friends. Heaven help me, but I miss Orange County and I suppose, knowing what I'm going to do when I wake up each day.

These days, I'm seeking work. Radford suggested I use this time to write and seek the Lord. He's right. I'm taking a step of faith tonight believing that if I write...just a bit...God will meet me on the journey up what feels like a mountain.

I am not sure what I'm going to write about. I've had some serious writers block this past year. A thought comes to mind...a thought leaves it... It's been this way for a time. I should write from my heart. I'm asking tonight that God would help me to express my heart.

What I can say is that by God's grace I've experienced an even deeper transformation. I believe this past year for me has been a year of tremendous growth and healing albeit sometimes painful.

2007-11-30T23:56:00.000-08:00

HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE

Hi Friends,

Yea - I'm only on Blogger now and then these days...check me out maybe on MYSPACE. Shoot me an email and I'll send you back the address.

MYSPACE - sad, isn't it? But I love it, strange place that it is. Been focusing a lot on my relationship with Radford that we are generally burning up the phone lines in the evenings instead of me sitting at my computer alone, writing.

God is good.

I'm a born-writer - sure. But being in love has had its benefits. We got engaged 2 weeks ago. These photos are of me on the day he proposed. One is of me on the Northern Coast of California. The other, in a Pinot Noir vineyard near his home. Near what will be my home next year. What a trip.

I left ministry (as an on-staff person) at my church last Easter. I didn't blog too much about it at the time feeling highly conflicted in my decision. I focused on weekly counseling, spending more quality time with my father whom I had reconcilled with 2 years ago and spending time with Radford and his sons in Northern California. God blessed every moment of it.

It was really tough to do something for myself and not for others but I can see how spending more "me" time has spilled over into the far corners of my life. I am still madly in love with God but am getting to know Him more intimately. His grace, His awesome power, His love.

So I will be leaving Southern California in 3 months to embark on a new adventure. I'll keep ya'll posted!

Blessings,
Danielle

2007-10-16T21:19:00.000-07:00

I SUCK

Yes. Let's just get this part out of the way. I suck. I stink. I'm a bad bad blogger!

I haven't blogged for some time. In fact, it took me some time to recall my user name and password. I need to make a point of stopping by your blogs to say hello again. I'm still here. I haven't fallen off the face of the earth and I'm okay. THANK YOU for all of your kind words.

WHAT'S BEEN UP WITH ME?
Therapy. A new boyfriend. Extreme joy. And writer's block.

THERAPY
I entered into private counseling for some "house cleaning" and it has been a true blessing. It was time and the Lord lead me to a really terrific counselor who worked with Focus on the Family for more than a decade. Alls been going well but I've hesitated to write because stuff's being churned up and I needed some time away from words.

A NEW BOYFRIEND
I think ya'll got the update before I blogged-off. It's taken some doing to be in a long distance relationship with a man who has three children. I've given them a lot of head space and heart space. God is leading. God is good.

EXTREME JOY
You mean I get to say NO sometimes? Hmmmm. I won't go into this too much. But let's just say that some stuff got peeled back and the Lord has shown Himself to me in great ways. Oh yes, and I went back to Rwanda and I can't wait to return again.

WRITER'S BLOCK
I don't know what to say beneathe this heading.

YOU
Yes, you all who've been reading and following me are truly appreciated. I wonder about each of you from time to time. I am forever grateful for the cyber intersection. Drop me a note and let me know wassup.

In Christ,
Danielle

P.S. more to come...

2007-05-11T22:00:00.000-07:00

PRAISING GOD FOR MOTHERHOOD

I've fallen out of the discipline of blogging but I longed to post tonight. I want to thank the Lord for my wonderful son, Forrest, and express what it means to me to be celebrating Mother's Day this weekend.

I have a wonderful and talented son who really loves me. I think back to those days when he'd search through his toy box for just the right amount of toys to take into the bathtub with him. Or the times when he'd want me to "throw" him on the bed and pretend I was an evil witch making stew out of him. He was such a fun child to be around and his smiles continue to light my life.

Son, you changed my world 17 years ago and I love you. What a blessing it is to be among women who will be honored this Sunday. Lord, you bless me every day with a terrific son.

2007-04-30T20:50:00.000-07:00

LISTENING...

Don't fool yourself into thinking that you are a listener when you are anything but, letting the Word go in one ear and out the other. Act on what you hear! Those who hear and don't act are like those who glance in the mirror, walk away, and two minutes later have no idea who they are, what they look like. --James 1:22-24

Lord, tonight I feel gratitude in my heart.
I was fooling myself and you opened my eyes
I lift up needful hands
On my knees I pray to you
Father, I am listening...

2007-04-12T17:55:00.000-07:00

UPON EVERYTHING A LITTLE RAIN MUST FALL

A rose in the rain is still just as lovely. Sometimes, even more lovely. I know that when we think of roses, we don't imagine rain falling down on them but we accept as a fact of life that upon every living thing, a little rain must fall.

My friend shares her testimony this evening. In the life of this rose, rain fell. For a time in her life, it fell and fell and fell. It nearly swept her away yet for the love and mercy of the Lord.

Father, thank you for this rose. And for the rain. Thank you for making her strong and giving her the means to survive.

God, you are lovely and you are good. Protect your rose tonight as she shares.

2007-04-08T17:46:00.000-07:00

HE IS RISEN INDEED

You said you were coming back, Lord. Thank you for keeping your promise. And I know many who knew you and saw you even then did not believe. But I believe and that belief has changed my life forever.

Happy Easter Everyone! God Bless!

Danielle

2007-03-15T20:07:00.000-07:00

I'M STILL HERE

My goodness, friends. It seems so long since I've blogged. I miss coming here to write and to think. It's been a part of my spiritual life in such a big way.

At the begining of the year I had big plans to slow down. Well, that didn't actually happen. It was my desire to work less at my "regular job" and spend more time in ministry. But it would seem God had other plans and my regular job required more of my time than I had ever bargained for. So I haven't written much lately.

Things are going well with Radford. Although we are in a long-distance relationship, I still feel that he is close to me everyday. He's been very creative with calls, emails and text messages. I am not ashamed to say (and I know he reads my blog now too) that I'm in love.

Things with my son have gone quite well. Since moving back in with his father full time he seems to be more peaceful. The back and forth stuff is finally over for my young man. I never realized how hard this had been for him over the years. I praise God that he had the courage to stand up to me and his father and just say "enough is enough." My son continues doing all the things he loves, diving completely into his graphic and performance arts. I'm so proud of him. God has blessed me so.

And, last but certainly not least...I will be returning to Rwanda again soon. I'm so excited about this. I'd like to ask for all of your prayers that I may blog another 40 Days of Praise before leaving. I just feel that I'd like to do something like this. Pray that I have the time and the energy to launch this. I loved doing it so much last year.

I miss all of you and do read your blogs every chance I get. Yet during this busy season right now, I am not often leaving comments. But know you are in my prayers.

God Bless,
Danielle

2007-02-23T20:43:00.000-08:00

GOODBYE, MY FRIEND

My friend, Carl, passed away last week. I understand that no one had seen him around for a few days and that his truck outside his home had sat for too long and caused some for worry. When they entered his home, they found he'd died.

Carl was the plant-man at one of the contract jobs I had long before I'd started this blog. He'd come to water the plant beside my cubicle and we'd always chat. He was an old surfer dude. Crew cut hair and tanned, leathery skin. He had such a twinkle in his eye and such a sweet smile. He always greeted me with "hello, my friend."

He had worked at a strip club as a bouncer many years ago. He said one of the gals had decided to quit dancing and wanted to go to church to find Jesus. She asked him to come with her. He found Jesus too. : )

I cried for Carl tonight. I cried out to God and thanked Him for calling after my friend's heart. I know Carl is in heaven with the Father who loves him.

Lord, thank you for loving Carl. Thank you for taking him home to be with you. Thank you for giving us a place beyond this life...God, you are loving and good.

I'm going to miss you, my friend. Goodbye.

2007-02-15T04:00:00.000-08:00

FOUNDATION OF HIS GRACE: A LIFE REDEEMED

We thank you, O God!
We give our thanks because you are near.
People everywhere tell of your mighty miracles.

God says, "At the time I have planned,
I will bring justice against the wicked.
When the earth quakes and its people live in turmoil,
I am the one who keeps its foundations firm." Pslam 75:1-3

Lord, this evening I give my thanks to you for I know you are near.

I'm up again at 3am with thoughts running through my head. Mostly, I'm excited about a short trip I'll be taking out of town with my company. I knew that I needed to be up by 5am and I'm suddenly a bit wired and can't sleep at all.

You guessed it. I'm gonna make some tea and write.

I spent time with Radford in the Redwoods this week. He took this beautiful picture of a tree we discovered in the forest. It isn't a Redwood but it grew near to them beneath their tall lovely trunks of red. When I looked up at this tree, I saw the cross. Do you?

GOD IS OUR FOUNDATION
I learned that the life of a Redwood tree can span some 2000 years. How amazing and long-suffering these trees are. They've survived the earth through generations, their roots planted in the rich Northern California soil. And yet, their root system is surprisingly shallow, going only six feet deep, whereas the tree itself can grow up to 370-something feet tall in height. Wow, that's quite a foundation. What trust these roots have in their foundation!

Hmmm. I believe I'd like to be MORE like a Redwood. I'd love to be so bold as to keep my root system light. Forget going deep into what this world offers me...I want to grow UP UP UP...closer to my King. And yet, I'm always tempted into believing other things will create a lasting foundation for me. And this keeps me as a little tree. My growth, stumped by the distractions of life.

Real freedom is in a life fully devoted to Jesus Christ.

When Jesus had called the Twelve together, he gave them power and authority to drive out all demons and to cure diseases, and he sent them out to preach the kingdom of God and to heal the sick. He told them: "Take nothing for the journey—no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra tunic. Luke 9:3

NO BAG, NO BREAD, NO MONEY, NO EXTRA CASHMERE SWEATER

Lord, thank you for being my foundation firm
Father, I want to grow up up up towards you
to break through the fog of this world
to grow strong in you
to grow tall in you

God, you are so awesome
Lord, you made the Redwoods
and you made me
with something in mind
and I love you for this

Lord, I can't wait to see where I'll be
in 2000 years
or tomorrow
because I know you'll be with me
watching me grow
tending to me always...

2007-02-12T23:54:00.000-08:00

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

Everyone, this is Radford.

2007-02-10T09:20:00.000-08:00

SOMETHINGS AIN'T EASY TO ADMIT!

I've been tagged by Shenna at Living in Grace to list 6 weird things about me.

Here are the rules: Each player of this game starts with 6 weird things about you. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end you need to choose 6 people (but like, I just chose 4...)to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "You are tagged" in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

Okay, so here are my 6 WEIRD THINGS:

1) I downloaded 4 Michael Jackson songs off of iTunes last month and I danced to them in my pyjamas.

2) When I was a kid I wanted to attend college where my mother told me Rod Serling taught (Rod Serling who hosted the old Twilight Zone series...He was intense and hot even in black and white!!!!)

3) I barf a LOT on planes.

4) I won't eat fruit with other foods because I think it is bad food-combining but I never tell anyone this. I just decline when offered because I hate going into what food combining is...

5) I used to be in love with Daryl Hall (oh boy...that admission really hurt! But I was, like, 12 years old!!!)

6) I like to go places alone and sit and talk to God when I feel anxious or sad. I do this more often than others realize. They usually just can't figure out why I'm late to events or can't explain periods of absences.

I'm tagging

TiNA @Cello Girl Talks
Marti @Marti's Musings
Diana @Nightwatch
Kevin @Tounge-tied Lightning

2007-02-07T08:33:00.000-08:00

(Shenna - trying to figure out how to tag you back! I have my post nearly ready to go!)

Hello All,

Happy Week to you! I've been loving God "off-line" for a bit, trying to rest and refresh. I prayed so hard last night, again, I felt my head would burst. God is so good that sometimes, I come to Him with such enthusiasm that I can hardly wait until my prayer is answered.

Last night I prayed for a sign.

I know with great confidence that I'll have it.

The prayer also involves my beautiful friend Janine.

Lord, I come to you with a joyful praising heart!
There is no doubt you are listening!
There is no doubt you are in control!
There is no doubt you will take my burdens!
Your yoke is light! Much lighter than these burdens!
Thank you, Father, for lifting them from us!

Lord, it is so tough sometimes to wait on You
Because your answers are so powerful and so good!

2007-01-27T21:44:00.000-08:00

REST IN HIM

By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work. Gen 2:2

My body resting
Heart rising

Happy Sabbath

2007-01-18T21:22:00.000-08:00

WONDERFUL SO WONDERFUL
IS YOUR UNFAILING LOVE

Forgetting those things that are behind, I press on towards the mark of the high calling. Philippians 3:14

Friends, thank you for your emails and kind comments of late. I've been taking some time out for deeper reflection, to bathe in God's love for me. To basically, come to some hard conclusions about my life and surrender to my gentle, gentle Lord.

True confession:I often write from a place that desires to control.

The anxiety.
The voices in my head.
The complexity of being human in a broken world.
The complexity of my own ego.

My addiction to self-reason has come at the cost of a deeper relationship with the King of my heart.

But that is not to say that I am doing this all the time that I write. I am implying there is a balance here. My desire to write and ability to do so is a gift from God. I realize more and more that it is His desire that I use this gift for His glory, not to the detriment of my own burning desire to heal from the on again/off again anxieties that seek to control and have nearly ruined my life.

And I hope I am not hitting any sensitive spots here with other writers...friends, I Iove to read your blogs. Your love-letters to God and self-expressions.

This is more about me.
Well, this is more about HIM.

GOD OF RESTORATION, REDEMPTION, FORGIVENESS
So I needed time to refresh in the Holy Spirit before proceeding with anymore posts. And in my desire to kick this post off tonight, I wanted to share these photos with you.

These are photos of whom I love.

These are photos of whom God loves and has graciously gifted to me. Their love for me in hand with the Lord's has brought me to this place of deeper surrender.

But when the time arrived that was set by God the Father, God sent his Son, born among us of a woman, born under the conditions of the law so that he might redeem those of us who have been kidnapped by the law. Thus we have been set free to experience our rightful heritage. You can tell for sure that you are now fully adopted as his own children because God sent the Spirit of his Son into our lives crying out, "Papa! Father!" Doesn't that privilege of intimate conversation with God make it plain that you are not a slave, but a child? And if you are a child, you're also an heir, with complete access to the inheritance. Galatians 4:4-7

...born under the conditions of the law so that he might redeem those of us who have been kidnapped by the law.

I was kidnapped at an early age. Whatever sweetness existed in me was replaced with a great amount of responsibility for which I had no control over. Subsequently, I have moved through life without a clear understanding of boundaries or how much weight I could actually withstand.

Yeah. I just sorta "pile it on."

I was joking with TiNA last week that 2006 was the year of "Whatever it takes, Lord!" but that 2007 was gonna be the year of "Say What!?"

Because, you know, we all get a charge out of being used by God and watching our ministries and personal relationships develop due to the watering and weeding we put into them. And that's okay.

But like, who gardens at night? When the sun drops, isn't is time to rest? To renew?

How much weight tonight can you withstand? And how long can you go in your relationships. Ministry-related, work-related, intimately-related or otherwise until you break?

...Doesn't that privilege of intimate conversation with God make it plain that you are not a slave, but a child? And if you are a child, you're also an heir, with complete access to the inheritance.

I am not a slave and yet I've been imprisoned to a certain degree by my ego, my desire to help others before helping myself because in that co-dependency, I have found self-worth and a reason to ignore that I needed to tend to my own hurts. Yet I want to be CLEAR here. I serve out of my love for God. I OVERSERVE and NEGLECT REST and SABBATH because I am not allowing God to bathe me.

It's 2007 and time for me to embrace God's promises, His grace and the child in me whom He loves and desires to tend to.

The question for me was always: Will I Allow Him?

Will I allow Him?
Will I risk?
Will I let go? Step back. Step away.

I PRESS ON TOWARDS THE HIGHER MARK
I resigned from my current project last week and have reduced my working hours to 20 per week. I'm going to rent out the empty rooms in my house to make up for the loss of income. This week I will attend a program at my church to address some of my deeper wounds. I am going to fall freely into my calling to help build the Single Parent Family Ministry at my church for God's glory. And I'm going to take Sabbath each week (which I have actually been trying to do for the last 4 months and although I don't have a perfect track record, I've been doing it and it feels wonderful!)

...oh yeah, and I'm gonna get a FREAKING HOBBY outside of Blogging! : )

Friends, keep me in prayer. I have heard clearly some of the plans God has for me. In this season of personal renewal, I am surrendering to those plans and allowing God to tend to me as He has desired.

Praise God! I am no longer a slave!

Egypt is behind me.

Bring on the wilderness.