thinkmarriage.org

We Can Help Pooh and You With The Middle

2009-11-24T07:27:00.004-06:00

Pooh is writing a story and he asks Piglet for some help. He tells him he has the beginning and the end...Piglet wants to know what he's written so far. "Once upon a time" and "They lived happily ever after." He's looking for help with the middle.

It's much the same with marriage. The beginning goes very well. It's the making it to the "happily ever after" that seems to cause the most trouble. Oh bother! If you don't know where to begin, I suggest our website, thinkmarriage.org

Life today is complicated. Just as we need more education to make it in society than we did years ago, we need more education to make it in our marriages. Just "hoping" doesn't cut it anymore. We need to learn the skills of how to handle our emotions, talk to another person, communicate effectively and live a life of balance as a couple. We just aren't born with that ability as the divorce rate shows. We need to learn it, and we need to keep getting refresher courses about it...just as any well educated person does. The learning never stops. But the stakes are much higher than they are for a diploma. The well -being of society ultimately depends on the family staying intact, strong and thriving.

A good place to begin is our "Check Ups", available from our website. There are versions for dating, engaged and married. Just as we know that preventative medicine catches a lot of potential problems...so do relationship check ups.

We also offer relationship coaching, available in person locally or online or phone for anyone in the country. Coaching is often just what a couple needs to get to where they would like to be in their relationship. Check our class calendar for on the ground and on line workshops.

It's not an easy road to get to "happily ever" after as Pooh is discovering. Anyone who has made it beyond "once a upon a time" also knows that to be true. Take advantage of the excellent tools and skills available for your journey. A healthy relationship that works is as sweet as a pot of honey!

During this time of Thanksgiving...what are you thankful for about your loved ones?

Telling How You Met May Tell All

2009-11-23T12:33:00.003-06:00

posted by Michele Olson

Psychology Today sometimes reruns articles…the ones that are particularly interesting or struck a chord with a crowd. They reran a very interesting article on the importance of examining how you recall your “love story” or how you met as a couple. In fact, author Suzanne Leanord recounts how psychologist John Gottman Ph.D felt that after listening to the oral history of 52 couples, he could predict with 94 percent accuracy which couple were going to separate and which were there for the duration. All based on how they told the story.

Interesting right?

The article points out that once there is a decline in the quality of the marital relationship, it sets off a downward spiral that is hard to reverse without active effort. (Plug here for online classes and healthy relationship coaching = effort on a couples part. Available from thinkmarriage.org)

When this downward spiral occurs, disappointment become easier to recall than the high points in the relationship. The article states: “Whether the recasting of history is a sudden or gradual process, the turning point is always marked by the emergence of contempt. When couples view each other as having lasting qualities that they loathe, it’s mighty hard to turn back the tide.”

The article goes on to describe couples in a stable marriage as talking positively and remembering positively about details of their relationship.

A sure tell tale sign of problems ahead? If a husband is telling the story in a disillusioned fashion. Things like:“ I wish we had waited longer to get married.”

Is fondness part of the retelling? Those in a good relationship tend to minimize the bad times and emphasize the good. When criticism is part of the story telling, that’s another bad sign.

In fact, contented couples could have the exact same experience as disgruntled couples, and tell the stories in a whole different light…in a positive manner. The author points out that we walk around with the stories of our relationship in our heads. The tone evolves based on our current emotions, but the overall tone can affect how we will treat our spouses in the future.

Listen to how your spouse…or how you tell the story of your chance encounter or the friendship that led to marriage. Really listen. What do you hear?

Comments From the World of Faith

2009-11-19T07:19:00.003-06:00

Posted by Michele Olson

Today's blog contains two thoughts from the Christian faith, excerpts from a pastoral letter from the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops titled “Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan” and an interesting, thought provoking article from a site called Marriagepartnership.com

Excerpts from the Bishops letter:
Noting that “couples too often reflect a lack of understanding of the purposes of marriage,” the document states that “marriage is a lifelong partnership of the whole of life, of mutual and exclusive fidelity, by mutual consent between a man and a woman, and ordered towards the good of the and the procreation of offspring.”

“Marriage is not merely a private institution,” the bishops wrote. “It is the foundation for the family, where children learn the values and virtues that will make good Christians as well as good citizens.”

Also stated: “Marriage does not exist solely for the reproduction of another member of the species, but for the creation of a communion of persons.”

"People are entering into marriage probably without an adequate appreciation of the beauty of marriage and the gift that it is," Archbishop O'Brien said. "The document is meant to strengthen Christian marriage, to prepare people who are going to be married before they enter that bond to appreciate what the commitment is, and also to open a discussion in our culture as to what the differences are today and to try to reach some common ground

Read the full article from the Catholic News Agency here.

Next, Mark E. Smith writing for Marriage Partnership.com in an article titled The Secret Mind-blowing Actual Purpose of Marriage And how it has your parents written all over it, proposes a very interesting theory. To understand what he is proposing, read the entire article, but the bottom line point he makes is this: “The truth is that our particular family dysfunction conspires to form and twist us into who we uniquely are—both good and bad. It even determines who you're attracted to. Whatever wounding you repress from childhood develops and morphs into your love life type.”

I don't think I have ever heard that theory put forth before.
Lots to chew on and think about from the world of faith. What are your thoughts?

African American, Married with Kids and Thriving

2009-11-18T09:34:00.002-06:00

Posted by Michele Olson

You have probably seen the social science research and statistics on the problems with marriage in the African American community. The numbers are dismal.

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler were fed up with hearing about the lack of strong black family’s, so they did something about it. They launched a website and made a movie. Their goal is to connect black couples and families. Their DVD is called "Happily Ever After: A Positive Image Of Black Marriage." It’s number one on Amazon's African American best sellers list.

In these Fox news interviews, the couple talks about why they are doing what they are doing. They felt that African American families should not have to name a fictional couple, The Huxtables from the Bill Cosby show fame, as one of the few examples of a strong black marriage.

It's refreshing to hear about what they are doing. Explore their website and watch the videos and then tell us what you think.

Advice For Those Thinking of or About to Walk Down the Aisle

2009-11-16T07:48:00.003-06:00

Posted by Michele Olson

Ken Potts, a Chicago Daily Herald columnist has a unique perspective….he’s a minister, a marriage therapist, a husband and a writer. So, he sees a lot of what’s happening in marriage and he’s able to express it well.
From the starry eyed couples who want to get married to those coming through his door when the “happily ever after” didn’t quite meet up to the expectations Ken sees the before and after of the journey.

His Sunday column focuses on some marriage myths that engaged couples tend to bring to the altar. The problem with myths is: they aren’t based on truth. We walk around making important decisions based on false assumptions. As I’ve said before in this blog; that’s not something we want for anyone. Pain and disillusionment are usually the result.

Ken covers:
1. "The hard part is over." Getting to the point of marriage was the hard part and now it’s time to coast. An attitude that sets people up for problems.

2. "I really know the person I married." We really get to know someone after we are married in a way we can’t before we are married. Changing age and circumstances also changes us.

3. "We both know what it means to be married." Have you ever really had your job description totally match the job itself? Marriage is the same way….the job description doesn’t always match up to the reality.

4. "We'll live happily ever after." Then there’s that little problem of conflict. It’s how we deal with those conflicts that make the difference.

5. "We'll always be this much in love." Learning the difference between romance and love. And there is a difference!

Ken expounds on these points and gives some good food for thought for every seriously dating, engaged and newly married couple to ponder.

Speaking of good food for thought…have you seen the “check-up” opportunities on our home web page?

Check it out…Check ups for dating, engaged and married. A great opportunity to work on your healthy relationship.

Read Ken’s column and comment here…what do you think of his myths and would you like to add a few?

Bill Cosby and Michael Wolfe Said the Wrong Thing

2009-11-12T07:45:00.002-06:00

posted by Michele Olson

Michael Wolfe, a Dad and husband writes a very true, yet amusing Westport News opinion column that I think will give you a smile. If married, you will probably see yourself or what you’ve felt somewhere in the article.

Michael travels for years and he and his wife have an ongoing battle about how much he is out of the house and not engaged in their day to day lives with the kids. The situation changes and he works from home. As the usual chaotic morning routine with kids and the school bus and “he hit me, she took my pencil arguments” start in the morning; he dares to utter some words of advice.

Oops.

His description of his wife’s reaction reminds me of the great chocolate cake story from Bill Cosby. If you’ve never seen it or need a good laugh today…revisit it.

Michael makes a comment about communication in marriage and how sometimes it’s better to not talk and be quiet. Michael, we have some great classes that can help you find the happy medium…it’s not just communicating…it’s how you communicate. That’s the type of skills we teach at thinkmarriage.org

Enjoy Michael and Bill today…it will remind you of some of those times that weren’t funny at the moment, but might be funny now.

Any good stories of your own to share?

Who You Gonna Call? Marriage Myth Busters!

2009-11-11T07:25:00.002-06:00

posted by Michele Olson

At thinkmarriage.org , we’re marriage myth busters from way back…in fact…we have a free guide we’d love to mail you called appropriately Marriage Myth Buster Guide. The truth is there are quite a few myths to bust! Many people base their opinions, habits and decisions regarding marriage on logic that doesn’t hold up statistically or in research. As a result, they’re making life choices based on false information.

That’s a little scary, isn’t it?

Here’s a great article and video where WCCO presents some marriage myths put forth by Dr. Bill Doherty, a therapist, professor and author…and champion in the healthy marriage movement.

He addresses myths about living together, waiting to get married until you can afford it, the ability to revive a struggling marriage, who gains the most from being married and the fact that if you are divorced, your kids can’t wait for you to remarry.

The video section is well worth watching too and has additional info.

Take a look and listen and then let us know what was "new news" to you. Don’t forget, we have a free Myth Buster Guide just for the asking.

What do you think is one of the biggest marriage myths that people are misinformed about?

Money Was OK and Then It Wasn’t

2009-11-10T11:39:00.002-06:00

posted by Michele Olson

In all the talk of money, finances and couples, the bent leans toward newlyweds and early marriage. Who will do what. Working it out.

Ron Lieber writing for the New York Times brings up a good point that his readers brought up to him; financial issues that come up years later in a marriage because the economy and life has changed the norm in the marriage.

Aging relatives.

Kids in college.

Job loss and revenue reduction.

After some years into a marriage you, have a lifestyle pattern. With recent economic developments, the rug can be pulled right out from under you. Your marriage needs a readjustment along with your coin purse.

The good news is, what worked for you back in the day to get your finances on track in a way that was mutually satisfying, will probably work for you again in the communication department. How did you overcome the initial stress and challenge of dealing with money as a couple? That may be the first place to reflect upon as you face new obstacles.

The current “sandwich” generation faces a tough road ahead as their parents don’t have enough money and their kids can’t find high paying jobs with mounting college debt. Communicating as a couple is going to be crucial to weathering the economic storm that many partners find themselves in. A refresher marriage education course may be just what the doctor, or should we say “the economy” ordered.

How about you? Have you been married a while and then seen your economic picture change?
How has it affected your relationship?

Could a Game Help With Your Money Attitudes?

2009-11-09T11:53:00.003-06:00

posted by Michele Olson

What are your money habits? What money habits did you bring into your marriage?
Did you ever hear your parents say: don’t tell dad or don’t tell mom? How did that affect your future dance with money?

As money gets tighter for just about everyone, money attitudes are really coming to the surface for many couples.

Here’s a great “game” and program that can get you talking about your money “habitudes” as the game refers to them in a way to that is productive and sensitive. It's called Money Habitudes. Rather than just thinking the other person is wrong or crazy, money habitudes points you towards goals and commonalities.

Invented by Syble Solomon, her game was the result of her interest in couple’s inability to have little or no communication about how they came to money decisions.

She found that people run the gamut from keeping their spending a secret, knowing what is healthy but choosing not to spend money that way and spouses who have no interest in managing money and being totally clueless about their financial future.

Making the learning available in a card game format helps people engage in productive conversations about money and understand the habits and attitudes that influence their actions and decisions regarding money. There are versions for teens and couples.

What a great engagement or wedding gift idea!

If you are a couple struggling with talking about money, Money Habitudes could put you on the right path, and you just might have some fun along the way.

Blog question: Are you able to talk about money as a couple? What “habitudes” did you automatically bring to your marriage that caused some problems and how have you dealt with them ?

Dad in the Home Involvement Linked to Mom

2009-11-05T09:40:00.003-06:00

posted by Michele Olson

Laurie Tarkan writing in a Nov. 3rd New York Times article touts a study by Sara S. McLanahan, a professor of sociology and public affairs at Princeton. Called the Fragile Families and Child Wellbeing Study it has some findings that fathers and mothers should pay attention to.

One of the findings: a mother’s support of the father turns out to be a critical factor in his involvement with his children…even if the couple is divorced. Rather than just talking about “father involvement” which we hear a lot about these days, the idea is about the involvement of the couple.

The better the couple gets along, the better it is for the child. That sounds simple, but it’s often lost sight of when adults focus on their happiness.

What does get along mean? Perhaps you can give yourself a little self quiz while you ponder these points:
*Willingness to compromise
*Expressing affection or love for your partner
*Encouraging or helping your partner do things that are important to them
*An absence of insult or criticism

When these things are happening, the father is much more likely to be engaged in the home.

Researchers Philip and Carolyn Cowan also point out that fathers have been accused of uninvolvement in their children’s lives based on a lack of motivation. But instead many societal standards have added to the problem. Family resource centers are pink with magazines geared to women, and the mother is the person approached by outside sources. The father is viewed as a secondary parent.

But the mother is very much the key in the father’s involvement. Her attitude toward the father’s bent to do things differently, to act like a father rather than a mother was a key important finding in the research. Dad’s often have a different discipline style and a different style of play. Different, not bad or worse. It’s mom’s attitude toward this that has a huge impact on dad’s involvement.

The gold standard is a mom and dad in the home, parenting together in harmony. In these homes where mom and dad are working together and dad is involved in child rearing the children were much less aggressive, hyperactive, depressed or socially withdrawn.

Sounds like another reason for mom’s and dad’s to be working on the marriage and parenting, Your kids really do benefit. Your day to day choices and behavior really do matter.

Thoughts on these thoughts? Blog!

I'm a Mrs. for 31 Years and Website Input!

2009-11-04T05:51:00.003-06:00

Posted by Mrs. Michele Olson

Website questions in a moment but first…

Today is my 31st anniversary. 31 years…married to Raymond Olson. I remember when we were first married, we dreamed that way in the future …on our fifth anniversary, we would go to Hawaii. Well, a few years later, we still haven’t gone. But that’s OK. We’d rather skip the flight and be at the Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island!

Easiest thing I ever did to get and stay married for 31 years?

No.

I don’t believe that two people spending their lives together is the easy way. As Sara Groves says, loving another person is no small thing.

Best thing I ever did?

Yes.

We may be the only people in the world who had spaghetti at our wedding reception of 400. Everyone had a bib supplied too. It was just the beginning of our adventure together.

I realize every day the rewards of a long marriage. That’s why I’m happy to be writing this blog to encourage everyone along the way and learning a lot myself too. Don’t take what a blessing it is to be married for granted…even in the hard times. The work is worth it. Happy Anniversary Mr. Raymond Olson, you are a treasure and I'll love you forever.

Now…

We are working on our new website and want your input! We also want to add a section to the website called “Consider This” devoted to exploring trends and thought for and against marriage with commentary by Executive Director Susan Dutton Freund. Put your thoughts here on this blog to let us know any thoughts you have and also go to our website and vote yes or no in the poll area.

thinkmarriage.org exists for people like you. Let us hear from you!

Teens and Your Marriage

2009-11-02T14:55:00.002-06:00

posted by Michele Olson

Need another reason to work on your marriage especially when you have children? Don’t be too shocked, but those little kids are one day going to grow up to be teenagers.

Raising teenagers? Said to be like nailing jello to a tree!

Your teenagers and your marriage? Interesting combination ripe with all the elements of a fourth of July fireworks show.

Want a way to cut down on the drama?

One study showed: “Even when controlling for maternal characteristics and background characteristics, adolescents living with both biological parents who were continuously married exhibited lower levels of problem behavior than peers from any other family type.”*

The truth is that teenagers can add stress to your marriage. Instead of crisis being fueled by outside sources, they can come from within.

Teens driving.

Just those two words can cause any parent to seem like a deer in headlights.

Little kids, little problems. Big kids, well…you know the rest.

If there were ever a time you need to be working on your communication and conflict resolutions skills in your marriage, it’s during these years. Spend some time in the pre-teen years talking about how you will parent with some of the bigger life issues. Keep the lines of communication open and work on the day to day unity so you will be on the same page when something arises with a teen. Continue to take the time to be together as a couple and to talk openly about your thoughts on parenting.

Stay committed. Don’t let the kids pit you against each other. A strong marriage is a really good tool when raising teens.

Some of the best advice I ever got? Don’t get on the roller coaster. Your kids are going to be on the roller coaster and they need their parents to stay on the ground while they go up and down through their teen years.

If you are in the midst of a hard time, remember this will not be forever. They are going to grow up, mature and leave the nest. Don’t forget to enjoy the absolute refreshingly original ideas that can come from your teen. Pick your battles.

Be brave little buckaroos. This too shall pass. God speed.

Raising teenagers and your marriage? Got any tips?

*Source: “Family Structure, Father Involvement, and Adolescent Behavioral Outcomes”
Carlson, Marcia J. Journal of Marriage and Family Vol. 68, Number 1. February, 2006. Page(s) 137-154.

Everyone Intends to Stay Married…So What’s the Problem?

2009-11-01T20:23:00.003-06:00

posted by Michele Olson

(Paraphrased from smartmarriages.com)

Typical scenario.

Boy meets girl. Spark. Interest. Courtship of some kind. Next, they actually feel so strongly about each other that they agree to spend the rest of their lives together.

Those are some pretty strong feelings to be able to make a decision like that.

Engagement. Marriage.

What is one of the number indicators as to whether this couple will not end up in divorce?
Is it a guess, a shake of the dice, something no one can predict?

No!

In fact, researchers can now predict with 90% accuracy which engaged couples will fail or succeed.

It’s those who never fight…never disagree on anything…right? Wrong!

Successful couples have the same number of disagreements as those who end up divorcing.

And they all fight about pretty much the same things: in-laws, housework, sex, kids, money and time. So..what’s the deal?

It all comes down to how they fight, how they handle their differences. The couples who “make it “ disagree in a way that makes their relationship stronger…not in a way that tears it apart. The good news is; destructive skills can be unlearned. Shiny new effective skills can be learned about communication and conflict resolution.

The question is…do you want to be in the 90 percentile?

We can help with classes, online and on the ground and relationship coaching. www.thinkmarriage.org Thoughts?

The Obama Marriage and a Great Video

2009-10-29T08:25:00.003-05:00

posted by Michele Olson

Great music video to watch…but first…

If you want to be on the cutting edge, you can get a preview of the Sunday New York Times Magazine article that is going to focus on President Obama and the first lady’s marriage, with insight into the time before the White House.

They talk about the bumps in their marriage and have no desire to be held up some kind of Camelot image, much like we saw in the Kennedy White House years. The acknowledgement that even good marriages are not easy is good for the country, particularly newly married couples who are starting to hit those everyday bumps and feeling that they are experiencing something out of the ordinary. It’s good for young couples to realize that the marriages they may admire now of long-time married couples are not necessarily where they are because the road was easy. In business, if you want to emulate a successful company, don’t copy what they are now, copy what they did to get where they are now.

It’s the same for marriage.

Copy what a couple did to get where they are…which means they have done some work on how to communicate and resolve conflict in a way they both find satisfying. Read the article and let us know what you think.

Now! Great video by Sara Groves…the song is “It’s Me” and it does a wonderful job of showing a couple losing their closeness. The words include the phrase “How can tenderness be gone in the blink of an eye?” It’s the perfect scenario for the need for marriage and healthy relationship education. Everyone will relate to the feelings portrayed and happily the answer is to learn the skills to deal with those moments rather than being left to a feeling of emptiness and hurt.

Watch and comment…what did it make you think of?

Not Just N1H1, Immunize Against an Emotional Affair!

2009-10-28T08:01:00.002-05:00

Posted by Michele Olson

In a New York Post article, Dr. Keith Ablow talks about the idea that almost all marriages are difficult. He proposes that idea should be a relief to any husband or wife who thinks that life as usual after a 5 or 10 year marriage, and the normalcy that sets in, is happening to “just them.”

Dr. Ablow says that living together dissolves a lot of the boundaries that women and men normally experience. We see each other all the time, hair out of place, not dressed up…the real deal. This can lead to walls of silence and resentment…possibly as a way to just get some personal space.

Interesting idea.

He believes this is where men and women are vulnerable to emotional affairs. His five point plan to prevent that includes:

1) Don’t assume you know everything about your spouse. He points out that people in a marriage can remain strangers for a lifetime. It brings to mind taking your spouse for granted by the way you could ignore exploring their ideas or feelings. This is not the way you would treat a new acquaintance.
2) If you’ve become distant, make it a point to explore the emotional life of your spouse.
3) A tactic? Ask your spouse to share with you three things, which could include childhood, that they have never shared with another person.
4) Then you do the same thing. Share three things. Basically you are becoming more vulnerable to each than you are to anyone else.
5) Trade three secrets about what you crave sexually, even if it ‘s fantasy. (For example, your spouse can’t literally fly in on a magic carpet if that’s what you would find exciting.)

Dr. Ablow says these five steps are like a vaccine against the real epidemic of emotional affairs.

What do you think about the idea of taking a spouse for granted over time? Is it easy to fall into a pattern and stop seeing the other person for who they really are?

A Fan and a Critic = The Best of Both Worlds

2009-10-27T10:19:00.002-05:00

posted by Michele Olson

Are you a fan or a critic in your relationship? What about being a little of each? Author Mike Robbins, writing in a recent Huffington Post blog reflects on what viewing a re-commitment ceremony meant to him, and how it challenged his thinking. As the Reverend told the couple that their job was to be each other’s biggest fan and their greatest critic for the purpose of the person’s spiritual development, he had an “a-ha” moment.

What is often seen as opposite when viewed from a less than mature attitude can if fact be a basis for the success of a healthy relationship when there is the proper sense of “trust, connection and authenticity.”

He goes on to define what a real fan is: focusing on what we appreciate about someone and a willingness to let them know in a loving and generous way. This is done without agenda or manipulation as the motive.

A conscious critic is described as saying things that may be scary or even hurtful in the eyes of the receiver without being critical or judgmental. It’s freedom to give and receive feedback in a productive, positive and kind way…to stop these things from getting in between two people and hurting their relationship.

Now….you can see the potential for disaster if we are not ascribing to the better angels of our nature in either of these circumstances. You can also see the potential for true closeness if both people in the relationship will really have their act together and step up to the plate with emotional wholeness and sincerity.

That IF there is huge, isn't it?

He goes on to describe some tools such as using your Relationship GPS. Let your appreciation be genuine, personal and specific.

Clear your withholds. This is something you are holding on to that you haven’t shared with the other person. He gives a clear definition of what this means.

Ask for what you want. The clearer about what we want from other people around us, the more likely we are to have the type of genuine mutually beneficial relationship we want.

Great observations and worth thinking about, but possibly needing some real communication skills as a basis to make it happen. thinkmarriage.org has online and in person resources to learn those skills. Keep that in mind if you feel overwhelmed.

Are you a critic and fan in your marriage? Does it work? What makes it work?
Tips?

Getting Married, Married and Money

2009-10-26T09:11:00.002-05:00

Posted by Michele Olson

Great article by Ron Lieber in The New York Times on Money Talks to Have Before Marriage.
Recognizing that a divorce can be not only emotionally devastating, but financially devastating as well, this article brings up four things that couples should be talking about BEFORE they marry.

Here’s an overview….

Ancestry
How did your parents deal with money? Because many of our money habits are learned, it’s important to talk about money attitudes that we might not even realize we have. For example, did one parent hide money from the other? Did you see your parents talk about money? What kind of emotions do those memories evoke?

Credit
Have you compared credit scores? While not particularly romantic it does open up an honest discussion of where you are financially, and how you got there. It’s also an opportunity to fix anything that is in error, or you can “clean up” which may allow you as a couple to get better rates for future loans.

Control
Who is going to pay the bills in your house or are you going to do it together? It can become a huge control issue in your marriage if you don’t agree. Here’s another pivotal question: If one person is making most of the money, do they make most of the financial decisions?

Affluence
Here’s one couples really don’t talk about: How rich do you want to be someday? Are you on the same path or do you have very different ideas of where you want to go when it comes to money?

These are great topics to be talking about pre-marriage, and thoughts you probably have to revisit as a married couple. Here's an interesting article from Redbook Magazine on How Couples Share Their Money...worth the read too.

Engaged? Are you talking about money?
Married? Did you talk about money pre-marriage? How has money affected your relationship?
Divorced? Did money play a role in the demise of your marriage?

More Housework = More Sex. Do You Agree?

2009-10-22T09:23:00.002-05:00

Posted by Michele Olson

You might be noticing the new study out by the Journal of Family Issues getting some buzz in the news. It basically says that the more housework you both do in the marriage, the more likely you are often to have sex with your spouse. The link even held up for those respondents who believed that it was the wife’s role to handle the housework.

The findings really popped for those high achiever type of individuals who take a "work hard, play hard" approach to life. The study also found a correlation between hours spent on paid work and the frequency of sex in marriage. One logical conclusion not mentioned might be that when both spouses work, there is less expectation on one spouse’s part that the other will do the majority of the housework. There could be a more natural bent to realizing the chores have to be shared.

It could be that housework is an obvious sign that both of the spouses are willing to invest in shared interests…many hands make light loads. Both parties recognize the fairness of sharing in the work. Less resentment means happier people. Happier people may be more open to more sex.

Worth a try? If your love life is lacking and there is a chasm in the chore sharing around your house, it may be the very thing to add the spark you’ve been looking for.

We also know that there are basically five ways that people feel loved by how they are treated. They are called the Five Love Languages, a book by Dr. Gary Chapman. It could be that one of the five; “acts of service” is the love language of many of those who responded in the study.

(Not acquainted with love languages? Take a quick test to know what type of love language is your type.)

What do you think? Do you agree with the study’s findings?

Domestic Violence and You

2009-10-21T11:04:00.002-05:00

Posted by Michele Olson

SAFETY ALERT: If you are in danger, please call 911, your local hotline, or (in the U.S.) the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224.

This is the warning on domestic violence websites that has saved many lives.

Before October was Breast Cancer Awareness month, it was Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Awareness is a good part of the title, because unless you are the victim of domestic violence you may tend to turn your head the other way and see it as someone else’s personal business.

All State has done a great job of taking up this cause through their foundation and telling the story of abused people on Youtube. Go check out the stories of strength and hope.

Other good resources to learn more:

National Coalition Against Domestic violence

Domestic Violence Awareness project which includes a message from President Obama
Domestic violence safety tips

thinkmarriage.org mourns all who have died because of domestic violence and celebrates every survivor and anyone who does something to end the violence. All thinkmarriage.org instructors are sensitive to and trained in domestic violence prevention. We encourage you to take a moment to learn more about domestic violence in your area. If you are a victim of domestic violence, please call the hotline numbers listed above.

Do you have a story to share? Or, are you planning what you can do now to be a part of the solution? We'd love to hear your thoughts.

Yah, What Ivanka Said.

2009-10-20T10:14:00.005-05:00

Posted by Michele Olson

While perusing the web for marriage news I came across a very interesting statement by Ivanka Trump, daughter of real estate mogul and TV celebrity Donald Trump. She is marrying Jared Kushner this coming Sunday, and if anyone could have a lavish wedding with no expense spared, it’s probably the daughter of Donald Trump.

That’s why her statement is so refreshing. She said she is not getting too caught up in the day itself. Her next statement is one I wish all brides and grooms would realize:
“It’s the marriage that’s important – not the party.” She said that she is most looking forward to “standing with my soon-to-be husband under the chuppa. And then dancing like a maniac with all my friends.”

It’s the marriage that is important, not the party. Are most couples getting that?

Perhaps as we see wedding costs skyrocketing (the average wedding costs more than $27,000, according to wedding web site TheKnot.com) and the state of the economy, weddings will be brought back in line with what is important.

Suggestion: Spend money on pre-marriage inventory classes or pre-marriage relationship coaching. It’s the best investment you can make in your future.

What do you think? Has the wedding day become the focus instead of the marriage?

Leave a comment and why not look to the right and become a follower of our blog? We are looking for number 25 and it could be you!

It's Not About Race. It's About Parents.

2009-10-19T09:51:00.002-05:00

Posted by Michele Olson

Patrick Welsh writing in The Washington Post yesterday had an interesting article titled:
Making the Grade Isn’t About Race. It’s About Parents. An English teacher at T.C. Williams High School in Alexandria, his article talks about the fact that a lot of school districts want to blame the ability of kids to succeed or not succeed in school on race. He believes that this focus is too simple. The real gap is family support and involvement.

He goes in-depth into the problems he sees at T.C. Williams High School and how the tact of the administration to continually look to race as the answer to school issues is just not working.

Instead he states that the lack of a father in the lives of his students has undermined their education. It actually came from his students. Upon being chastised about a low test score a student asked him, “You ask the class, just ask how many of us have our fathers living with us.”
When he did ask, not one hand went up.

This finding goes along with Myth #5 in our free Marriage Myth Buster Guide…the fact that marriage does matter to children because it shapes their lives by directing the time, energy, and resources of two adults in the home toward the child. Of course there are very involved Dad’s who are divorced and don’t live in the home, but the probability of Dad being there on a daily basis rises when Mom and Dad are married and both living in the home.

It’s just another way for all of us to realize the importance of working on a healthy marriage…there are ramifications for generations to come.

What do you think?

Oh, to be from Malaysia,When Discord is In Full Bloom

2009-10-15T09:58:00.003-05:00

posted by Michele Olson

Anyone a native from Malaysia and on the brink of divorce? There is a silver lining in your difficulties thanks to your government.

(Perspective, we got cash for clunkers, they get two nights on an island resort....hmmmmm.)

On Monday the Malaysian government announced they had conducted a pilot program that gave couples a free, three-day, two-night honeymoon package with a cost of up to $440. (Seems quite inexpensive in their neck of the woods.) Because they felt that so many couples did successfully solve their problems, the state is now planning a full implementation that will offer a second honeymoon to "couples whose marital problems continued to persist despite having gone through the counseling process." It seems they must consent to udergo more counseling to take part in the program.

State officials claim that much of the marital problems stem from a lack of communication between husband and wife.

Yes Malaysia! And those skills can be learned even outside of a tropical honeymoon weekend through the types of workshops we offer here at thinkmarriage.org, on the ground, on line and through coaching. There is another solution: healthy relationship, skills based education.

Bravo to Malaysia for recognizing the importance of keeping marriages strong in their country.

Anyone up for writing their state and national representatives to see if we can get a similar deal here in the USA?

Happily Ever After Depends on Happy Before

2009-10-13T10:18:00.002-05:00

posted by Michele Olson

Steven Stosny writing in Psychology Today brings up a great point from a recent posting. Do you rely on your partner to make you happy? He points out that in the age of entitlement that we live in (Also sometimes called the era of Me! Me! Me!) one of the biggest presumptions people have as they enter marriage is that the other person is going to make them happy. (As in happily ever after!) The reality is: if you were happy before you met your partner, you will likely be happy after the marriage; but if you were an unhappy before you married as a single…well you get the picture.

Stosney goes on to describe what happens in a relationship when someone comes in with negative emotions and how it affects both parties. He also includes a marriage quiz which you can take. He feels it’s a good one, because initially when he started using quizzes like this, they only served the purpose of reinforcing blame and resentment. This quiz is designed to uncover self-doubt and turn it into a motivation to heal, improve and repair.

So take this very short quiz and let us know what you found out. (Remember, you are anonymous when you blog if you choose to be.)

Do you agree? Were you happy before your marriage and still happy? Were you unhappy before your marriage and still unhappy?

Couples Retreat - NOT!

2009-10-12T13:24:00.003-05:00

Posted by Michele Olson

One of the top movies of the weekend was a movie called Couples Retreat. This flick has some big name stars including Vince Vaughn who we can usually count on for a laugh in a movie. For those thinking they are going to see anything that has any resemblance to a real couples retreat…or that the script wasn’t written from the “get a laugh a minute” point of view, save your money.

You will either find it very funny, funny and offensive, or not your taste in movies, but you won’t find great marriage advice. (Tip, never assume from the previews that you are getting the intent of a movie. Take a few moments to read a variety of reviewers takes to get an idea if a movie is for you.)

Vanessa Farquharson, a reviewer for the National Post, after giving the overview of the movie had this to say:

So, for those hoping to obtain any real insight into long-term matrimonial strategies, allow this humble reviewer to simply waive the ticket price and cut to the chase: According to Couples Retreat, if your marriage is falling apart, the appropriate thing to do is avoid couples therapy at all costs and instead visit a singles resort, where you should pound back vodka shooters until a hateful argument ensues with your spouse, followed by wicked make-up sex, and presto - problem solved!
As Vaughn's character says to his wife: "We don't have a problem ... We have a million problems." In a way, this movie also has a million problems, and yet studio executives didn't seem to hesitate in offering their commitment. Still, audiences may find it much easier to tolerate with a few shots of something beforehand.

May we humbly suggest that a marriage education retreat could really provide you with what you are looking for when it comes to enriching your marriage? Visit our classes tab for classes coming to Wisconsin and watch our calendar for our soon coming online classes. Relationship coaching is also available in person or on line.

We promise there will be laughter and a good time without the Hollywood treatment in a real couples retreat!

Have you been to a marriage retreat ? What did you find to be most valuable about your experience?

What Dave Can Learn From Jay

2009-10-07T08:01:00.002-05:00

posted by Michele Olson

With all the hub-bub going on with David Letterman right now, it’s time to take a refreshing look at a great married relationship: Jay and Mavis Leno. David says all his shenanigans were before his 7 month marriage, but you can imagine what his now wife must feel like with all this is in the news.

Diane Sollee, Director of Smart Marriages (and the writer of an excellent newsletter you should be getting from smartmarriages.com) posted a May interview in the LA Times by Sue Smalley with the couple. I have a soft spot in my heart for Jay Leno as during my first trip to LA about ten years ago I actually ran into him and had a conversation, a picture and realized he is a very very nice person.

I hope you will read the article because it is just filled with nuggets as to what makes a long, successful marriage….the kind of marriage that makes people who encounter it want to smile and emulate.

A few nuggets:

*They acknowledge each other as best friends.

*They both reflect on their parents who had long marriages and truly loved each other.

*Mavis sums up what she needed in a person: Just be there when I need you, but the rest of the time, I take care of myself. They are both really still their “own person” in a very successful relationship. (*Something I think is very key to a great marriage and attribute to my thriving almost 31 year marriage.)

*They both really admire each other.

*They have similar passions about what’s important and good in life.

*They’ve stayed the same people, with a lot of money or without.

*They live in “us”…what they do ..they do for the “us” not just “me”

There’s also an interesting bit of how Jay just knows when a women is born on Sept. 5th!
Whether you are a Jay Leno fan or not, I think you will become a Jay and Mavis fan after you read this article.

What resonates with you?