Critical Fluff

188 Crabapples for 2440 Mass Ave.

2007-07-03T13:25:00.000-04:00

I admit it: Critical Fluff, Version Blogger, I sort of miss you a little. It's true. So maybe I will post here now and again and also keep up my Tumblr, which I am keeping pretty much low profile, for no other reason than it is unequivocally uninteresting to anyone but myself. It's pretty much a personal delicious feed with tiny-tiny-blog legs.

Anyway. I will be back here now sometimes. Hi.

So, last Sunday Jason and I went to check out the brand new Cambridge Point Condos. The units were gorgeous, and we unwittingly spent over 2 hours wandering around every single unit. multiple times.

Our condo tour ended with a incredible mutual suicide, very much like Romeo & Juliet, except in this case we drank 18 liters of Liquid Nails, carved "I'll never-ever-ever have enough for a down payment" into our forearms with a rusty jacknife, and threw ourselves down (beautiful) spiral staircases (next to lovely fireplaces) with acute cases of condo envy.

But tomorrow is the 4th of July. And there will be grilling and golf.

68 Crabapples for Sucky Walkers

2007-05-01T21:12:00.000-04:00

I have a horrible anger-management problem when it comes to a very particular set of people:

Slow walkers.

No, actually: slow walkers doing extraneous tasks while not moving out of the way of the clear-and-present stream of traffic.

Need some examples? Well, sure. Here:

- The girl rummaging through her purse on the left ("it's here that we walk") side of the escalator, seemingly in search of the Magic Pearl of Gibraltar.

- The couple with their hands around each other's waists, barely moving forward at all, blocking an entire narrow hallway.

And this much is just true: people that walk wicked super slow... make a habit of walking wicked super slow.
Because I KNOW that they just KNOW how much it hurts my soul.

Anyway, I was stuck behind a SWDEC ("slow walker doing extra crap"-- pronounced "swid-eck") going up the stairs at the Davis T-stop tonight, and I decided I should document my inner dialogue in the hopes of overcoming this mind-debilitating annoyance.

It starts mildly:

"Hmm, I wish you would walk."

Then:

"Uh, M'am, can you walk?"
"Walking."
"Ihateyou."

And then I start pawing anxiously at my ponytail:

"Um, yea, I actually really need you to walk."
"Hate."
...
...
...
"Hate."
...
"My mother hates you."
"Your mother hates you."
...
"Hate."
"hate-hate-hate-hate-hate-seething-monkey-asshole-hate."

Yea, it always ends badly.

46 Pineapples for a Steak-Filled Pony-Castle

2007-04-29T19:48:00.000-04:00

A few things:

1. Tom, I really will meme up your meme. I don't watch Lost, so I just need to figure out some fuzzy logic by which I get to be Sloan from Entourage. Then my casting can commence.

2. Sarah, Paul, E, Max K, Stacey, Kate, Stace, Jess... Love your Wiffitis! Who did I forget?

3. Last night, Jason and I headed over to 28Degrees (pre-pre-dinner), Icarus (pre-dinner) and Masa (dinner).
[Disclaimer: We had Phantom Gourmet gift cards. And we were very thirsty.]

As we walked by the Smith & Wollensky castle on our way down Arlington St, Jason wondered out loud what the castle used to be. Well, here: "the medieval structure was constructed in 1891 and originally served as the headquarters for the First Corps of Cadets."

Yo. That's not nearly as interesting as I had hoped. I was hoping for something a little more "the old residence of an evil sorcerer who turned ponies into glittering bags of money, and who ultimately got shot by a wild donkey breeder because he thought the sorcerer stole his pants, when in fact the pants-thief was actually an angry escaped pony."

Whatev. Still a pretty amazing building.

And also, Masa: I adore you.

195 Crabapples for Sexy Diapers?

2007-04-25T21:08:00.000-04:00

I remember the first time I saw broccoflower.

I was all "whaaaaaaaaat? a broccoli hybrid? sup yo, get me some'a that!"

And, for the record, it tastes mostly like cauli, and is honestly nothing to write home about, but the initial shock of it was really a thing to remember.

I felt a similar feeling today, as I found out about this: "the original online community for Adult Babies and Diaper Lovers."

Humina humina diaper?

Who likes diapers?

Moreover, who likes to photograph him/herself in diapers?

Not me.

I mean, how uncomfortable are pants? (very)
Now multiply that by infinite layers of absorbent cotton bunting, a plasticoat liner, and adhesive snuggifiers.

Makes me really sad.

955 Pineapples for Wiffiti Beta

2007-04-23T14:29:00.000-04:00

How good does that look as a header?
So good.

You could even use it in place of a header (which I may do soon).

I know I'm biased, but seriously though, how awesome does that look? Do it-- press the pink arrow. Then txt me. Then cheer!

So, to all my blog friends sitting on their beta invites, go embed your screens! Change your backgrounds! Do the right thing!
Kate did. and Sarah did. and Stace did.

Now you go.
Go on. go.

Need help? Leave a comment. I'll help you and you'll have it up in under 3 minutes, looking all fly.

Want a screen and I didn't send you an invite? Also-- comment. or txt the screen. I may even feel nice and send you a t-shirt.

I'm Back. I Missed Pineapples.

2007-04-19T22:49:00.000-04:00

ok. i'm back. i couldn't stay away.
You know, like that song.
I'm still planning on making my dramatic move to Wordpress, but I don't have the patience right now. So... soon.

A few things I've been wanting to say:

1. What's up with the movement toward alternative grains? I was at a diner this weekend and had the unfortunate experience of sitting next to a woman who would not shut the fuck up about quinoa. KEEEENNNNNWAAAAA. DO YOU HAVE KEEEEENWA? JUST A LIL' BIT O' KEEEEEEEEEEENWA?
If it weren't for the stop-traffic-deliciousness of the sweet potato pancake sitting in front of me, I may have hurt her.
DO YOU THINK YOUR ALTERNATIVE GRAIN IS BETTER THAN MY TOAST?
I didn't think so.

2. Why is every shirt in every store right now a maternity shirt? It's like the whole babydoll dress trend of '97... but even more horrible.
I also hate ballet flats.

3. The other day, I was at the store buying an Amy's frozen sandwich thingy. Spinach and feta or something.
I was at the checkout and the guy was like, "is this your lunch?"
Skeptical and unamused, I humored him: "uh, yea."
He replies,"Sometimes my wife does that. She just heats something like that up and eats it. And that's that."

...

...

Uh...yea?

Um.

Umm.

Okay.

Wat do you say to that??: "Uhhh, she's so weird... heating up a frozen entree like that... in the microwave!? Ca-RaaaAzy!"

I went with "Oh."

A Mulligan for a Hiatus (which I already started)

2007-04-02T17:40:00.000-04:00

Yea, you've noticed the lack of posts.

Critical Fluff isn't gone forever, but it's laying low for a bit.

No reason really, just been busy over at BMA and Wiffiti.

I imagine I'll be back pretty soon, but likely on WordPress. Blogger and I just aren't seeing eye to eye anymore.

In the meantime, enjoy the rain, some Creme Eggs, and hopefully some new socks.
New socks just feel so good.

100 Pineapples for Pretty Singing

2007-03-20T19:59:00.000-04:00

So, I know it's March.
And that New Year's happened a significant chunk of time ago.
But this guy is just too great.

He sings!
He sits on the couch!
And there is wavering evidence midway through the video that his dog might just be alive!
(though you shouldn't count on it...)

50 Pineapples for Masa Tapas

2007-03-11T16:25:00.000-04:00

Last night, Jason and I went to Masa, hoping to make the South End less of a Black Hole for us; we also wanted tapas.

And tapas we got.
Chorizo with cranberry chutney, crispy plaintains with shrimp, some duck & scallop thing with onion things, black bean cakes with carnitas, mexican hummus on cukes...

yum. yum. yum. yum and yum.

17 Crabapples for Chewy Light Rum

2007-03-08T18:44:00.000-05:00

So Orbit Gum decided to make an "EXOTIC NEW FLAVOR!": Mojito Mint.
Oh, this is clearly not a good idea.
But this also means that I am necessitated by the Mandate for Assy New Flavor Trying (1986) to buy it.

So buy it I did.
It was not good.
Upon first chew, I was all, "hmm. this is not too bad."
Then I promptly spit it out and looked around quizzically and angrily for where I put down my mojito.

This course of events is discomfiting at 9:15am. And considering that I typically chew gum immediately after morning coffee, this flavor just ain't gonna do.

Now... Manhattan gum... that might not be terrible.

More Crabapples Than You Can, As They Say, Shake a Stick At!

2007-03-05T19:51:00.000-05:00

In a valiant attempt to expand my etymological knowledge, amuse myself quietly, and confuse/make fun of others more often, I have decided to start incorporating antiquated cliches and douchey sayings into my everyday speech as much as possible. No preference will be given for use cases in which the saying actually makes sense or hints at logic.
It's a great way to feel like a tool AND actually BE a tool.

I will aim to punctuate these tired sayings with a long, drawn-out "as they say," followed by a jubilant exclamation of the cliche at hand... as if, as they say, I'm in seventh heaven(!!!).

Let's take a look at some examples:

Scenario A:
At a convenience store, buying milk and cereal.
Clerk: That'll be $5.88. Do you need a bag?
Me: A bag!?! As they say, now that's the ticket!

Scenario B:
Babysitting in a park.
Small Impressionable Child: Jaynie, when can I go on the swingset?
Me: Well, Child, as they say, every dog has his day!
Small Impressionable Child: But I don't have a dog. I WANT A PUPPY!
Me: Oh, Child, no yelling, we're in a park... you really need to, as they saaaaay, mind your P's and Q's!
Small Impressionable Child: [pees.]

Scenario C:
At an Barack Obama press conference, upon being called upon to pose the capstone question of the afternoon.
Press Rep: Yes, you there [pointing at me].
Me: [I stop waving my hand frantically.] Mr.Obama, it seems that you have quite a... as they say... bee in your bonnet(!) about voting rights for disabled and minority voters. Why exactly are you, as they say, such a busy bee(!) about this issue?

Further examples welcome.
I'll let you know how it goes as I begin to put this ordinance into action... how many times I get punched, etc.

31 Pineapples for an Extra Big Sample Size

2007-03-04T20:54:00.000-05:00

I had two dreams last night:

1. I was at Canobie Lake Park (a small amusement park in NH), playing arcade games. The game, which was designed to dispense quarters for winning, started rapidly spitting out 10 dollar bills. I stuffed my jeans full.

2. I was in J.P. Licks with Anne and Jason. I asked for a sample of soft-serve "Sweet Cream & Oreo" (which I don't think actually exists, but would certainly be delicious). Instead of giving me a tiny-tiny-cup sample per usual, the ice cream worker girl gave me a huge bowl. The three of us ate it and agreed that it was excellent. And then I decided that since I has already had a "sample" of that, I would place my real order. Peanut butter ice cream with rainbow sprinkles. It was big. Then Jason and Anne ordered equally huge sundaes, and I offered to pay (obviously... I had pockets full of tens). The total? $5.47. (Yes. $5.47.) Sweet deal.

I think Freud would conclude that I am clearly six years old, ice cream obsessed, and in the midst of a financial panic.

And yes, Freud would be all too correct.

10 Crabapples for Early Birds and/or Earlybirds

2007-03-01T21:15:00.000-05:00

I have been seeing a shitload of robins lately.
This is bothering me far more than it should.
I always firmly believed that "first sign of Spring" thing. Most totally.
And suddenly they are everywhere, hopping on cruddy snowbanks, all hoppity-skittery across ice slicks.
My worldview feels threatened.

Tomorrow I am making pork.
Who makes pork?

Back to the stupid things written on packaging schtick--
I have a carton of supermarket brand eggwhites labeled "The Amazing Egg Whites."
Uh, they don't do shit.

I'm hating on the new blogger. Once I get motivated, I'm moving this guy over to WordPress. Blogger's all clunky and know-it-all. And I refuse to let it sign me in with my google account. Blogger-Not-Beta-Anymore, you don't own me.

Earlybirds is a strange word if you say it more than twice in a row.

933 Pineapples for Countering the Whine with Wine

2007-02-22T20:39:00.000-05:00

Some grape-based pineapples:

1. Since I am not allowed (by law) to get on a plane without drinking at least 3 glasses of wine (and a shot of whiskey...and a "calm the fuck down, you bitch" pill), I very much appreciate Vino Volo. That's right, wine tasting in airports. Brilliant!

2. I live in MA. We can't have wine delivered here. This makes me angry; it makes me even angrier because last weekend we drank a so-very-wonderful bottle of Peju Provence (brought back from Sonoma), which is conveniently not available in stores. Simply, I want more.
So, you should all go here and support wine shipment to MA.

3. Also, you should all go here and sign up for the Wine & Healthy Living newsletter. It's truly feel-good.

4. In conclusion, I'd like to report that a few weekends ago, I returned my first bottle of off wine to the store. It was supposed to be a Wine Spectator 90+ Gewurtztraminer, and the finish was like ass. This fact didn't prevent me from feeling like a total tool bringing it back. Thankfully, the clerk tasted it, agreed, and gave me a new bottle.
In any case, still felt like a douchecan.

183 Pineapples for a 15-20 Minute Rinse

2007-02-21T19:59:00.000-05:00

The Elaine-dancing episode of Seinfeld is on right now. But that's not the point of today.

The point is two-fold:

Uno:
The back of my bottle of Fantastik reads as follows:

FIRST AID: If in eyes: Hold eye open and rinse slowly and gently with water for 15-20 minutes. Remove contact lenses, if present, after 5 minutes, then continue rinsing eye.

I don't understand. Why do I need to keep my contacts in for five minutes before removing them from the poison? This just seems ridiculous from all angles.

Dos:
Frosted Mini Wheats Big Bites (topic via Jason's breakfast).
Let's break this down:
Mini AND Big.
I'm no trophy linguist, but this sounds fishy.
So, I consulted Wikipedia. I find this thoughtful analysis:

A short-lived experiment, Frosted Mini-Wheats Big Bite, was essentially the original cereal cut into rectangles (twice the size of the original pieces) rather than squares. The larger size holds milk differently from the smaller squares, creating a different taste quality; however, as the biscuit is larger than a normal spoon, it is difficult to eat without breaking up. This may limit this version's long-term marketability.

Thank you, good Wiki, for affirming that this product is oxymoronically lame.

Tres (Bonus): Because I am now on a kick of reading the fine print of crap in my cabinets and getting a kick out of it, I'd like to report that my non-stick cooking spray kindly reminds me not to store it in the refridgerator.
So I will not.

Now, everyone go grab a bag or a box of something and report back something stupid.
Go on, do it... it'll amuse us all.
Or just me.

14 Crabapples for Whine

2007-02-20T19:43:00.000-05:00

Today was uncomfortable for me.
This is because it was that horrid, horrid day known as "first day wearing new jeans day." You know... when they're still all stiff and crispy and bad, and you feel like you're wearing croutons with leg holes.

Also, I ran out of lotion last Thursday and kept forgetting to pick some up, so my skin has been slowly alligatoring for days. So then when I finally grabbed some Vaseline Intensive Care on my lunch break today and applied it to my angry calves, they bucked and screamed and cried like angry, angry, dry and flaky ponies. It took every ounce of will in my body not to whip out a hairbrush at work and just rake the fuck away at my tree-bark skin. Over and over and over again, right on down to my innards.

But now, now... all is resolved... the derm is beginning to hydrate, I am drinking hot chocolate with whipped cream, and Scrubs is on.

And, to boot, I found this picture of a baby donkey and a baby dog.

45 Pineapples for Clive.

2007-02-18T20:59:00.000-05:00

I just slammed my finger in my bureau drawer, bending my fingernail backwards.
Hurts.
I blame all of you.

But hey, you likely have tomorrow off from work, yes?

This is what you should do: see Children of Men.
All I will say is that it's "sci-fi" categorization is clearly a misnomer, as it's plausibility is irrefutable: layered, nuanced, and menacing.
And for that, it's both brilliant and to-yo'-bones unnerving.

Since I saw it today, I will not be watching it tomorrow. Instead, I will be shopping for casual, non-running sneakers that I can wear walking around and not break my face on ice and snow. Maybe like these? Or these?

304 Crabapples for Brit's (a W)hack Job

2007-02-17T16:40:00.000-05:00

Oh Brit.
Dear, dear Brit.
I would much prefer not to go all Nancy Kerrigan on your once-so-perky ass, but Why? WHHHHHY?

Jaynie, what the fuck are you talking about?
This. This right here.

Yea, see, umm, call me shallow or "ignoring the issue at hand" or whatever... but I find that look severely unflattering for your face shape.

79 Pineapples for "Huh? What? Fatal??"

2007-02-12T19:55:00.000-05:00

This sign hangs about 400 yds from the start/end of the Golden Gate Bridge. Upon noticing this placard, I pushed Jason to the ground violently, grabbed the camera, and took this picture while laughing like a maniac and pointing at his skinned knees and bruised forehead.

That is not true.

It was more like, "Jason, please take a picture of this because it is hilarious."
And he said okay.

30 Mulligans for Semi Sandra

2007-02-12T19:30:00.000-05:00

I watch a lot of the Food Network, mostly because it is awesome, I am typically hungry, and watching good food is the best thing there is after eating good food, touching good food and then licking your finger, or having someone else touch good food and then licking his/her finger (only with friends). Although my heart belongs to Iron Chef (yes, even IC America), I also dig Paula Deen and The Barefoot Contessa. That said, I would be fine if Mario choked on his clogs and died a gruesome shoe-leather-and-wood-filled death in front of me and a group of impressionable young children. I also hate Emeril, even since he tried to associate BAM! with Crest toothpaste.

One gal I'm always waffling about is Sandra Lee of Semi-Homemade. Is she cute and spunky? Or plastic and conniving? Or cute and conniving? Or spunky and plastic? I really just don't know.

However, I found a Food Network Expert who is very, very certain about his feelings toward Sandie:

Pure evil. This frightening Hell Spawn of Kathie Lee and Betty Crocker seems on a mission to kill her fans, one meal at a time... Her death-dealing can-opening ways will cut a swath of destruction through the world if not contained. I would likely be arrested if I suggested on television that any children watching should promptly go to a wooded area with a gun and harm themselves. What’s the difference between that and Sandra suggesting we fill our mouths with Ritz Crackers, jam a can of Cheez Wiz in after and press hard? None that I can see... Its only possible use might be as a psychological warfare strategy against the resurgent Taliban--or dangerous insurgent groups. A large-racked blonde repeatedly urging Afghans and angry Iraqis to stuff themseles with fatty, processed American foods might be just the weapon we need to win the war on terror.

Hmm. I've already mentioned children and murder in close conjunction twice in this post.
Ah well.

12 Crabapples for Terrible Self-Scanners

2007-02-11T17:32:00.000-05:00

There really needs to be a sign posted directly in front of grocery store self check-outs:

If You Are a Fucking Moron, Please Move to a Traditional Check-Out.

People surely wouldn't obey it, but maybe it could prevent 1 case out of 100.
It would at least be a start.

It's not that I'm intolerant, it's that I am an efficient self checker-outter. And those of us well-versed in the language of bar code scanning and key-in-your-produce-code-and-press-next should be rewarded with an "Expert Express Line" of our own. You would need to earn it, with a test of speed and accuracy judged by a grocery store employee. And then you would get a badge. Like a girl scout badge, but with a bag of groceries on it. and an RFID code. Yes, yes, this will happen.

Oh, Pedigree. Maybe a Pineapple Out of Guilt?

2007-02-06T19:26:00.000-05:00

Because I haven't done the list thing in a while:

1. I know we've been spoiled by a mild winter, but the cold that's going on this week is not my favorite. I have been tempted to wear a wool hat at work. Or bring a blanket. And bernese mountain dogs in a wagon! HI!
::11 Crabapples, not factoring in windchill.

2. For reasons I can not explain to anyone but the most elite, I just put a jellybean in my drink. The drink makes the jellybean hard, yet tastier.
This is high-level food science.
::23 Pineapples for not being Alton Brown.

3. For lack of a better idea, I just went to Google News and searched for "weird." I found this.
I think the battery promo was an ill-conceived idea in which the sake would be seen as "energizing." Weak. Can someone who can read Japanese tell me the sake brand name? Masumi? I need context clues.
::A mulligan until I get translation help.

4. Rachael Ray is trying to tell me that Oregon has a lot of cranberry bogs. I don't know whether or not to believe her. I tend to distrust persistent perkiness.
::90 Crabapples. And I might need you to shut up.

5. I was just disrupted by a call from Emerson asking for money. Sorry, yo, I have none.
::I can't tell you how many Crabapples.

6. The Pedigree ad with the shelter dogs make me tear up. Every/single/time. You are good dogs! All of you! Even the little fuzzy shitdogs! I would take you home and love you if I could!
::Sniff.

65 Pineapples for Franklin Cafe

2007-02-04T14:27:00.000-05:00

Go Bears.

Also:

Last night, Jason and I ate at Franklin Cafe in the South End. The South End is kind of a Boston Black Hole for me, since it's not T-accessible and I seem to get very, very lost trying to follow Tremont St. for more than a few hundred yards at a time. And since Franklin Cafe doesn't take reservations, only has 6 or so tables, and is known for it's 2-hour weekend wait, it's kind of an event to go there.

BUT: So very worth it. The wine and cocktail menu is wonderful, the bartenders are (super busy) and very efficient, the space is crowded but low-key, and the food is excellent (and, honestly, a really good value for the quality). AND we finally tried Conundrum, which has been on my Things That Are Probably Awesome List for a while. And it was.

I very much enjoy the South End. I just need to submit a plea to City Hall to move it closer to the Red Line. Preferably by summer.

And to conclude circularly, Go Bears.

109 Pineapples for Child Sit-Com Stars Rumored To Be People They're Not. Yea. Hmm.

2007-01-29T21:09:00.000-05:00

Today I was thinking about that-show-from-the-80s-with-Vicky-the-Robot. Upon quickly googling "Vicky the Robot Show," I remembered: Small Wonder. Oh yes, yes.

Oh, I loved that show. A girl with a plastic back hiding lots of buttons and wires! Hmm? Cool!

The funny thing? Checking out imdb, neither Vicky nor Jamie (the bro) did shit after the show got canned.

How could such a brilliant show be a career-ender?

Although... Brian Austin Green and Devon Odessa did a few episodes, and they both went on to score mild fame in teen dramas... so hey, all is not lost.

ALSO: weird rumor that I'd like to bring back: the one that posits that the kid who played Jamie was actually Billy Corgan.

Come to think of it, wasn't there another rumor that the older brother from Mr.Belvedere was actually Marilyn Manson? Or did I just think that?

Update: The Marilyn Manson/Rob Stone from Mr.Belevedere thing... a "real rumor."

What's up with this rumor motif?
I mean, whatever, fine. Spread this one: Simon Cowell was actually the little brother, Albert, on Little House on the Prairie.
All true.

182 Pineapples for Holy, Holy Matrimony

2007-01-28T19:19:00.000-05:00

First off, I'd like to report that Dolly the Beagle (see yesterday's post) has been reunited with her original owner. Raise your glass for sweet Dolly! Now raise it again! Oh, go on, finish that. Unless it's milk; that's gross.

Secondly, I have a new television fascination.
There I was, this afternoon, doing a little pre-Spring cleaning of my apartmento, flipping through channels, and I hear the teaser:

"Meet Lauren and David, 21-year-old Christian virgins ready to tie the knot."

OH OH OH--- SO GOOD! TOO GOOD! I truly don't deserve this.

That's right... an actual, real, honest-to goodness show called Engaged & Underage.

Let me give you some snippets from the show notes, just so you can understand a bit of this thick and gooey brilliance of this show:

Lauren has been living with David's family in Florida, and the two plan to move into their cottage on his parents' property... As the couple makes plans to find the perfect B&B to spend their first night together, David's mom asks to see pictures of the location. Lauren hopes to set a line between his mother and their sex life, but David can't seem to understand why his future bride finds the situation weird...

Come on! This is such gold.