Manila Vanilla

Balunbalunan sure tastes nice on the Foreman Grill

2009-10-31T01:31:00.004+08:00

There are so many reasons to adore Manny Pacquiao. In these recent remarks to ESPN boxing honcho Dan Rafael, (in the sidebar), PacMan has given me one more reason to smile. In the spirit of Halloween, Rafael asked both Pacquiao and his November 14 opponent Miguel Cotto which boxer they'd most like to dress up as. Cotto said Muhammad Ali for all the obvious reasons. Here's how Pacquiao responded:

I would be 'Big' George Foreman. Not only because it would give me an opportunity to win a world title in an eighth weight division but in a division I would never be big enough to grow into on my own. Plus, I would be big enough to play power forward in the NBA.

For the record, "Big" George is six-foot-three and a half. Now it's possible Manny may have trouble judging height for anyone over six feet, but even though George weighs enough to bump uglies with Rick Mahorn, he's still about six inches short of the standard height for NBA power forwards. Foreman's height, however, is spot on for the four position in another league Pacquiao may have heard of -- the PBA.

Pacquiao's well-chronicled love for basketball is a constant source of amusement. HBO's video of his private games in Baguio -- the ones that drive trainer Freddie Roach crazy -- gives a hint of what kind of player Pacman is, and it doesn't look like he's a natural power forward. We see an awkward behind the back dribble and some hideous jump shot form, but like almost any Pinoy baller, he's a whiz at double-clutch lay-ups with plenty of pektos. (Basketball comes in around the 13:20 mark of this video.)

Basketball/Ondoy pictures

2009-10-19T09:53:00.004+08:00

I just wanted to share a pair of photographs that caught my eye in recent weeks, as I've watched the Philippines torn apart by typhoons Ondoy and Pepeng. There's not much that hasn't been said about the devastating loss of life and property the storms have caused, and it was particularly distressing for me to see pictures on CNN.com (it's number five in this slideshow) of the street in front of my old house submerged in water that would reach my chest.

Sometimes it's inappropriate to turn my one-track basketball mind onto subjects that are obviously much bigger than the game. I wrestled with that possibility and its associated guilt when I saw these photographs and felt a tinge of happiness at seeing basketball woven into the story of this crisis the same way it has become part of practically every facet of Philippine society. In the top photo, the scene is of grim resolve, people saving those few dear keepsakes that can be saved, while the bottom picture is just plain fun.

Of course, the far more important stories are the crippling effects the storms have had on people's lives, the number of people who've lost their homes and who may be permanently relocated. That alone is a frightening prospect, a disaster lumped on top of a calamity, like finding someone who's been shot and stabbing them through the bullet hole. That's not to say that slums/informal settlements aren't a problem, or that they didn't exacerbate the floods by clogging waterways with shanties, kangkong and solid waste, but the idea of the government overseeing a mandatory relocation of the urban poor is horrifying. And then there's the more positive story of the thousands of volunteers who stepped up to help those hardest hit by the storms. I'm proud that a lot of my friends contributed and continue to give to these efforts.

Spreading the blame: A note from a newly minted Wynne Arboleda fan

2009-10-17T20:42:00.002+08:00

OK that's a little too strong. I wouldn't call myself a new Wynne Arboleda fan after watching him briefly smother a PBA fan with assorted Hadoukens and Muay Thai knees. But I'm tired of the reflexive condemnation that follows anytime an athlete overreacts and confronts a fan, whether or not the scene becomes as grisly as it did in the Burger King/Gilas game.

Full disclosure. I like professional basketball players. I like them more than the coaches and more than the fans. They are the people who made me fall in love with the game when I was eight years old. They inspired me to become a half-decent player, and even though I was never good enough to go past truly dismal college ball, I still -- by now you can officially call me deluded -- think of myself as an athlete first and fan second. My sympathies run toward the players. I felt bad for Ron Artest when the NBA gave him a season-long suspension after the Detroit brawl. Likewise, I already feel sorry for Wynne Arboleda, because it seems like people are already calling for his head, and he'll be sitting for the rest of the conference at least and I'm guessing longer.

What gets me is that when the dust settles, everyone always points at the player and no one else. Yes, the player is ultimately responsible for his actions, but no one looks at the league, the franchises or the fans that through all the ingredients for a disaster into the pot and turned up the heat.

For starters, step back and look at the history of Philippine basketball. Over the years, fans have always posed a greater threat to players and referees than vice versa. From Yco-Ysmael to Crispa-Meralco to Crispa-Toyota to Ginebra-Tanduay to just plain Ginebra (that would be from the 1960s until about ten years ago), fans felt entitled to express their disapproval with bad calls or dirty play by showering the court with peso coins, spent batteries, Monoblock chairs, water bottles, beer cans and other projectiles. Teams wouldn't enter an arena without enough beach umbrellas to make payong over the entire bench. I've heard that PBA players started covering their heads with towels on the bench because it took the sting out of peso coins. By many accounts, crowd violence over the years was just as bad if not worse in the college ranks, with rivalries like Ateneo-San Beda and Ateneo-La Salle leading to regular parking lot brawls.

The point is that the atmosphere at big-time Philippine basketball games has always been wild and woolly, and I think it's fair to suggest that leagues -- MICAA, PBA, NCAA, UAAP -- have tolerated and even encouraged fan misbehavior. It spiced up games and brought in bigger crowds.

In recent years the PBA has more or less eradicated the air of lawlessness that once predominated in the stands at Araneta or ULTRA, but the legacy is still there. I'd argue that this tradition is especially important in the Philippines, where basketball games have been a place for people to blow off steam and act in ways that would be unthinkable in their everyday lives. Yes, American fans also get drunk at NBA, NFL, and MLB games and do ghastly things, but they don't have martial law in their not-too-distant memories. Outside of the Big Dome, martial law-era PBA crowds were forced to live by the Marcos slogan Sa ika-uunlad ng bayan, disiplina ang kailangan, and if they missed curfew or failed to live up to that standard of "discipline," the consequences could be grave. Inside the Big Dome, on the other hand, they could expect to see Jaworski knee somebody in the gut or Rudy Kutch clobber somebody, an if they were truly lucky a full-scale brawl would break out. They could pepper the referees with peso coins, skirmish with other fans, and scream their lungs out with the filthiest invectives that came to mind.

That release valve was probably a good thing. But these days, with the PBA striving to emulate the NBA's stuffiness and with the Philippines more than 20 years removed from Marcos's repressive dictatorship (OK, I'm aware of the PGMA parallels; let me skirt that issue for now), the power dynamic between players, fans and the league is changing. Some fans still want to blow off steam, primarily by heckling. The players can't be as rugged as they were in the Seventies and Eighties, because this is a modern league now, with "scientific" coaching and professional standards. The league wants the fans to have their fun and the players to remain beatific basketball machines, passionate only about scoring and defense, and impervious to whatever bedlam occurs in the stands. But if the league continues to allow fans to treat players like animals while expecting the athletes the athletes to "take it like a man," every once in a while a player will snap and react in a more primal manner.

That's what happened with Arboleda, and what might have happened last year, if Danny Ildefonso's teammates hadn't restrained him in a similar situation. Which calls into question the league and the arena and security. After the beatdown, BTV courtside reporter Patricia Hizon asked why security didn't try to get between Arboleda and the fan. Araneta security told her they're not allowed to touch the players, while PBA security said they're only responsible for the referees. This is tragically predictable. Anytime something goes wrong in Philippine society, the institutions responsible calmly explain that due to some strange technicality or forces greater than all of us, it wasn't their fault. Recently, we've seen Pangulong Gloria calling the Philippines a victim of global warming in the aftermath of Typhoons Ondoy and Pepeng. Really? Global warming is a new phenomenon? It wasn't around when rains led to the 2006 Southern Leyte landslide? Or when Milenyo hit Manila? Or when Typhoon Reming caused mudslides that buried large swaths of Albay? And those are just the major natural disasters that hit the country while I was living there. In the basketball realm, when the late Sen. Robert Barbers asked government officials why suspected Fil-shams' citizenship papers were being rubber stamped, the Bureau of Immigration pointed to the Department of Foreign Affairs who pointed to the Department of Justice who pointed back to the B of I. The serial passing of the buck is as Philippine as the tinikling. When disaster strikes, it's never the fault of the people who are actually in charge.

So it's Sonny Alvarado's fault that Tanduay and the government fixed his papers, just as all the blame for yesterday's incident will fall on Wynne Arboleda. Everyone will turn a blind eye to the other factors that lit the fuse for his explosion. The bad guys get punished, everyone moves on and nothing gets solved.

Free Donbel (They did!)

2009-10-11T09:32:00.002+08:00

Quinito Henson's Sunday column heralding the opening of the PBA's 35th season reads like a fairly rote list of transactions and announcements for the upcoming season. But a close reading reveals some fabulous laugh lines. Since I'm a terrible blogger, let the fact that I'm actually posting something about the new season be an indication of how excited I am. And I'm 8,000 miles away.

Anyway, more than any other line in Quinito's piece, this one killed me. It made me chortle a fine mist of Diet Coke on my keyboard and it broke my heart at the same time:

In the transition, several veterans were left by the wayside. Gone from the PBA are the likes of ... Topex Robinson (reportedly playing in Masbate).

What? A PBA without Topex? I guess after Purefoods re-acquired Paul Artadi, they decided they didn't need two non-shooting midget point guards in their lineup. But it's simply criminal that no one signed Topex as a backup. He was a solid ball pressure/change-the-tempo backup PG, not to mention his nickname is an acne cream! Did James Yap put the kybosh on him because of his well-chronicled love of Vicky Belo facial products? Now where will we find a 5-foot-6 guy to miraculously corral 3-5 rebounds in 15 minutes per game?

But the truly bizarre thing about the Topex line is the mysterious, almost cryptic "playing in Masbate" line. What's he doing there? He's from Olongapo! Is he playing as an import in an Interbarangay tournament in Masbate City? Is he playing as a local? Seriously, he couldn't play for a Liga Pilipinas team? Did he join the rodeo? It's only eight months until an election, I hope he gets out of there before the trigger-happy Masbateños start licking shots.

Topex, I want you back in the PBA where you belong. I remember I saw you the first time I visited a PBA practice, with Red Bull in 2005. You came over and said what's up to me right away. Maybe because you thought I was the new import. But anyway, I appreciated your kindness. I hope somebody brings you back, or that you set new records in bull-riding.

Then there's this line:

Barako and Coca-Cola are the teams with the most veteran recruits. The Bulls picked up Aris Dimaunahan, Chad Alonzo, Gilbert Lao, Aljamal and Donbel Belano.

Hallelujah! Donbel Belano is finally free from the Talk-N-Text reserve list. Let's hope the only man to ever log a quadruple double (points, assists, rebounds, steals) in the MBA still has some game left in his tank. The Phone Pals/Tropang Texters/whatever-the-hell-they-go-by-nows have been hording reserve talent for years, guys like Belano and Jonathan de Guzman who would be a joy to watch on some of the league's low-budget teams. Finally, Belano is free to share his swashbuckling, sidestepping talents with PBA fans again. (Sadly, there's a decent chance he made more money wasting away as a TNT practice dummy.) The last time he got to play consistently was during the 2007 import conference, when Jimmy Alapag left TNT to play for the national team. And Donbel tore it up! He was one toilet-bowl in-and-out miss from pulling a Rudy Distrito (not that kind of Rudy Distrito!) in the last minute of game seven of the Finals that year. If his last-minute shot went down after rattling around the rim, Alaska might have lost. He's playing on Barako Bull with the rest of the blue-light special all-stars, budget-salaried journeymen from every corner of Philippine basketball, not to mention Alex Crisano in all his tattooed, Rodmanesque glory.

One more line, the buried/misleading sports news item of the year. When Henson mentions the upcoming game between Burger King -- the team that made Japeth Aguilar the #1 draft pick in August, only to almost lose him to the Smart Gilas national team, then get him back two days before the season began by basically threatening to permanently blacklist Aguilar from the PBA -- and Smart Gilas. Here's the line:

Fans are expected to come out in droves to witness Aguilar’s transformation from a Smart-Gilas anchor to a Burger King rookie.

That's certainly one way of looking at it. If I were in the country, I'd be hoping to witness BK coach Yeng Guiao plant an elbow in Chris Tiu's neck, then send a band of his henchmen from the Thug Life Bar at SM Pampanga to make parol -- Christmas lanterns -- out of Gilas coach Rajko Toroman's bones.

Have a great season guys. I'd give anything to be there.

Revisiting Rudy Hatfield

2009-10-09T23:41:00.002+08:00

Has anyone looked at Rudy Hatfield's Wikipedia entry lately?

About the Man

Rudy retired from Basketball to follow his true passion. Teaching innercity quadrapalegic kids the wonderful sport of dodgeball. He even became a big brother to one of the kids from his dodgeball team (Matt Groundstone). It was with his time with Matt that Rudy decided to learn the Appalachian art of whittling.

"Rudy has really come a long way in his artwork. His unicorns easily sell anywhere from $500-$1500 each" says Sebastian Motiff (A whittling expert who has been seen on the Antique Roadshow in both the US and Canada).

"When I whittle, its like I'm in a whole new world. Its a happy place with flowery meadows and rainbow skies, and rivers made of chocolate, where children dance and laugh and play with gumdrop smiles" said Rudy in his most recent interview.

Rudy has since opened up his on boutique where he sells his unicorns, and has earned the nomiker "The Unicorn Whisperer". It was his wife,Bethany, who first called Rudy 'Unicorn Whisperer' after seeing how whittling those unicorn figures from wood, just seemed to calm the rage inside of Rudy. Bethany has been Rudy's biggest fan, supporting his whittling and aspirations of making it big in the Unicorn art world.

Before the crazy rumor mill cranks up, let me state that I'm fairly positive Rudy "The Unicorn Whisperer" is a hoax. None of the names included in this description appear anywhere else on the Web. It also seems like the kind of joke worthy of Rudy Hatfield's unhinged sense of humor. I wouldn't be surprised if he wrote the whittling myth himself, and if it wasn't him then it's probably a clever fan's homage.

For those who aren't caught up on Rudy Hatfield, he was the PBA's premier rebounder and garbageman for much of this decade. He was so good that I saw opposing coaches devote most of their scouting time to keeping Hatfield off the boards and keeping his energy from spreading to his teammates. Like that other great boardsman, Dennis Rodman, Hatfield had an eccentric side. He left the Philippines in the prime of his career to try out as a professional wrestler and then attend fire department training, because "they’re crazy enough to run into a fire when everyone’s heading out and I get to wear suspenders all day," he wrote in an E-mail to Quinito Henson. "Chicks dig guys in suspenders, if you smell what the Rock is cookin’." To give you an idea of what the H-Bomb was capable of, here's the YouTube video of his immortal post-game speech after Ginebra bagged the 2007 All-Filipino championship. Wherever Rudy Hatfield is, the PBA misses him.

Recycling my comments from FireQuinito

2009-10-04T23:19:00.002+08:00

I admit it. I have a problem. I only seem capable of blogging when I've already responded to something at FireQuinito. I have excuses: I'm writing non-stop to finish this book, and will return to blogging in about a month. I hope. Until then, if there's anyone who reads my blog but doesn't read FireQuinito (message to this reader: Baliktad 'yan! You should pay more attention to Jaemark, who actually updates FQ.), here is a comment I posted there about racial prejudices in the Philippines as they relate to basketball and some other things. I was responding also to Howie Severino's blog. My take only scratches the surface, but I'm not expert enough to really get to the bottom of this subject.

It never surprised me that racial attitudes in the Philippines were a bit behind those in the U.S., since the Philippines has a much different racial history. Both countries have their baggage, but the States has to deal with the legacy of slavery, which is where racism against African-Americans comes from. There are relatively so few black immigrants or half-black Filipinos that it's not a surprise that the Philippines hasn't had to come to terms with that kind of racism.

You definitely see it in basketball, where imports are lauded as athletes but viewed with a sharp-edged paternalism, where teams spy on their black American players to make sure they aren't running wild like the O.G. Black Superman, Billy Ray Bates. When imports are in public, people try to touch their hair or ask why it's so curly, ignorant racism that most players graciously ignore. It's like because most Pinoys see relatively few black people, they've never had to update their dated, racist attitudes about them.

It's interesting that Howie Severino framed his blog in terms of Filipino-Americans, because of the generational divide in that group, where many older Fil-Ams exhibit the kind of racism Howie wrote about, but younger Fil-Ams identify with American youth culture, so much of which comes from black trendsetters. Plus, if they play basketball, their idols are black NBA players, and their teammates are probably black, too. I've heard young Fil-Ams say, sometimes with pride and sometimes with annoyance, that they're known as the blackest of the Asians, i.e. they're good at breakdancing, basketball, DJing, etc. It's a generational dichotomy that somebody who's done some real research will have to parse out better than I have here.

2009 PBA Draft thoughts

2009-08-02T23:14:00.002+08:00

FireQuinito has published the 2009 PBA draft results. Shame on Inquirer.net and PhilStar.com for not getting it up sooner. I know this story is lost in the bigger news of the week, Cory Aquino's death, and that should be everyone's lead story for a long time, but they should still be able to report on what's happening in the rest of the country.

Anyway, this post is really a comment I left on FireQuinito, and assuming I still have any American readers, let me apologize to them right now: This is going to be a fairly impenetrable read, as it references and doesn't explain mediocre Fil-Swiss centers, the PBA's limit of five Fil-foreign players per team, and 2008 MVP Kelly Williams, brother-in-law, Lamont Charles Waters, who was drafted in the second round by Kelly's team, the Santa Lucia Realtors. It's nice to see guys I played with for a couple years at Reyes, LS Greenhills and Xavier getting a chance in the pros.

Let the confusion begin:

That Burtscher pick has to be the biggest 1st Round sucker punch since Isiah Thomas drafted Renaldo Balkman, and everyone made the "did he think he was drafting Ronaldo Blackmon?" joke. And both picks were made by my respective teams. I spent a lot of time with the Alaska franchise, but I can't pretend to know the thought process here. One trend is becoming clear: If you played for Cebuana Lhuillier under coach Luigi Trillo in 2007, you can sit on Alaska's bench for a while. They drafted Bono and now Burtscher, they've hired Nico Uy and Chris Viardo as practice players, and they took on Ariel Capus as a free agent. Now, all they have to do is pick up Macky Escalona and pluck Don Dulay from RoS, and the cycle will be complete. I don't get it, but there seems to be a trend. And, as Ariel Capus and Ken Bono will probably admit, Alaska is as good a place to ride the pine as any. It's one of the few PBA franchises where Fil-Ams and locals really seem to enjoy being around each other. In fact, although the franchise is known for using their "family" approach to lowball players during contract negotiations, the family vibe does exist at Alaska. Plus, you get to be around Jeff Cariaso, maybe the PBA's classiest player, and Willie Miller, certainly the funniest (although it looks like they could both be gone by next season, and if so, all bets are off). If Poch Juiño stays on in a reserve role, you get another top-10 hilarious guy to pal around with. And as long as Bong Hawkins is on the sidelines, hijinks will ensue. All in all, I imagine Burtscher will have a fine time watching these guys play.

I would have tipped you on Charles Waters if I knew that he was no longer going by Lamont. He's in great shape, and he plays really, really hard. Doesn't have the greatest instincts, but he tries on defense and can be very tough to box out. He's also a good guy who won't mind playing limited minutes. Unless one of the undrafteds ends up killing SLR someday, you can't do much worse than that.

So if TNT is picking up Nic and Kevin White, which Fil-Ams have to go? Ali probably isn't heading back to Coke so soon. Harvey? Would they move Jimmy to make way for Castro? Whoever is on the outs, I imagine they're pissed. Nobody likes to get kicked off that MVP gravy train. Double bonus! Triple bonus! House and lot! Free load!

Idol of the day: Patrick Michels

2009-06-28T10:16:00.002+08:00

Three hundred and sixty-four days a year, my idol is Homer Se. But today, I want to honor Pat Michels, my old roommate. His feature story on a truck driver who was injured while doing contract work in Iraq (this does not at all do the story justice; read it!) recently won first place among small circulation weeklies at the national AltWeekly Awards. Congratulations!

Hayden Joe!

2009-05-30T07:34:00.001+08:00

This Hayden Kho scandal has got legs! I circulated press accounts of the video (including a download link for the world's sexiest rendition of Careless Whisper) and ensuing brouhaha at Harper's Magazine, and within an hour editors were huddled in an office, laughing their asses off at the playboy-cum-plastic surgeon. One editor sent this out:

There is something so innately hilarious about that video that you don't even
need the backstory to appreciate it. It's like they createda ridiculous Internet
meme of dancing-and-bad-singing and THEN happened to be incredibly famous and
venal just to make the meme supremely awesome, and to make it possible to enjoy
their humiliation even more.

That video definitely has viral potential. Can it break through to computer screens in the U.S.? Time will tell. I've been watching for days and I can't get over how goofy it is. Hayden doing the Alyssa Alano and mumbling his way through the lyrics he doesn't know. Katrina being so maarte that she has to towel down his sweaty chest. Doesn't she know that a glistening chest is SIZZLING HOT! The Senate hearing is also precious, with one of the many choice moments coming towards the end, where Sens. Jinggoy and Bong (Resiklo ng Saudi!) struggle to understand the mechanism that allowed Doc Hayden to transfer video from his camera to his laptop. I hope this story makes it into Harper's Weekly Review next Tuesday.

Good stuff at FireQuinito

2009-05-25T06:27:00.002+08:00

FireQuinito is a very, very impressive Philippine sports blog, and I'm not saying that only because the guy who runs it reads my stuff. The blog's take on Philippine sports is funny and right. And, coming on the heels of my Pacquiao roundup, I'd like to link to FQ's take on a classic Pacquiao post-fight development -- his being named a special intelligence agent by the DOJ -- which I'm kicking myself for not including in my post yesterday. Also, his reference to Anak ng Kumander is classic. MV and FQ may be getting lined up for a terrible movie-reference arms race, as I am determined now to work Katas ng Saudi into this blog by the end of the week. Hail Jinggoy!

Pacquiao Roundup

2009-05-24T01:08:00.001+08:00

I love Manny Pacquiao. Readers of my blog, if there are any left, will probably notice that few topics other than the Pacman can drag me out of hibernation and get me to post something new. Pretty much anyone who watches a Pacquiao fight ends up loving him as a boxer -- his hand speed, his punching flurries, the reckless abandon with which he fights, his improvisatory flair -- and you can count me among them. But my absolute favorite time in a Pacquiao fight isn't during the bout itself; it's the fallout over the next month, when Filipino politicians scramble to share a piece of his limelight and when Manny gets a chance to rest and indulge in hobbies like billiards, basketball, videoke and cockfighting.

Representing on fight night.

After the De la Hoya fight, Pacquiao brought to life the classic sports comedy scenario of the boss who puts himself on the court, when he decided to play semi-professional basketball with the team he owns in the Liga Pilipinas. He also accepted an honorary doctorate from Southwestern University in Cebu. After abusing David Diaz last year we got to witness the brief but charming Pacquiao/Kevin Garnett courtship. With June rapidly approaching, let's take a look at the tornado of hyperbole swirling about after Pacquiao's May 2 flattening of Ricky Hatton.

Exhibit A) After Manny's victory, the Philippine department of health asked him to consider remaining in California with his entourage, rather than returning to the Philippines immediately, just in case a member of Pacquiao's posse had contracted swine flu in the States. The Philippines is always proud to be one of the last countries officially hit by pandemics. I remember when I arrived in the country for the first time, in November 2005, the first thing I saw was a giant blue placard that read WELCOME TO THE BIRD FLU-FREE PHILIPPINES! I wouldn't be surprised if the government was mocking up a new version of this poster for swine flu just around the time Manny planned his return, and I can imagine Health Secretary Francisco Duque (BTW, shouldn't his nickname be Frank Dux, like the Canadian-American martial arts champion portrayed by JCVD in the movie Bloodsport?) brooding over the fact that Pacquiao's victory parade, with all that hugging and high-fiving, and how it could ruin his swine flu sign. Pardon me, Franky, but your position here seems slightly myopic, given that 1) the Philippines recently slaughtered 6,000 pigs infected with swine ebola; 2) no one is fooled by the "no recorded cases" of bird/swine flu gag, just like no one believes it when entire provinces report zero crime for an entire year; 3) the country faces public health woes far greater than swine flu.

Exhibit B) Laguna Congressman Edgar San Luis submitted a resolution in the Philippine House of Representatives that would grant Philippine citizenship to Pacquiao's trainer, Freddie Roach. This is a nice gesture; a little silly, but I don't mind the idea of honoring Roach with citizenship. However, since I tend to see events through the prism of Philippine basketball, where Filipino ancestry and citizenship is a very contentious issue, I also have to think of the Fil-foreign players toiling in the Liga and the PBL because no one will pay to fix their papers for the PBA draft. I think of former imports like Norman Black, a PBA hall-of-famer, who chose to spend his life in the Philippines and has played a vital role in the development of basketball in the country. Black still isn't a full-fledged Filipino citizen, although he could probably become one if he called in a few favors. And what about Alex Compton, the Manila-born American citizen who has been beloved by millions of Filipinos since 1998, when he arrived in the country to play in the MBA? Of all the Americans floating around the Philippine basketball world, no one loves the country more than Compton, who has become a fluent, even elegant Tagalog speaker, who stayed in the country even after the MBA folded and it was unclear how he'd be able to make a living. Freddie Roach, merely by helping Pacquiao become such a great fighter, has made a legitimate contribution to Filipinos' lives, but citizenship wouldn't mean as much to him as it would to these other Americans who decided to build entire lives and raise families in the Philippines.

Exhibit C) Manny's money. Pera ni Pacquiao. How much of it does he have? What will he do with all of it? Who gets a piece of it? We've seen the stories about how Manny gives away rice and small wads of cash in General Santos City. My favorite was a Ronnie Nathanielsz piece on how Bob Arum, Pacquiao's promoter, wants to protect Pacquiao's money.

Arum said: "I'm not going to stick that money [fight earnings] in his bank. I am going to sit down with him and Jinkee (Pacquiao's wife) and guys like Lito (Atienza) and Chavit (Singson) whom I respect, and make sure he puts it some place where he can't get his hands on it."

Really? Manny's money will be safe in the hands of a boxing promoter, Lito Atienza and Chavit Singson? It's tough to come up with two slimier trapos (traditional politicians AKA corrupt dynasts) than those two guys. This is like Arum saying, "I want to protect Manny's meat locker, that's why I am turning it over to these two hyenas."

Exhibit D) Finally, the main event -- politics. With national elections now less than a year away, much has been made of Pacquiao's potential in politics. He's openly stated his plans to run for congress again in 2010, and Lennox Lewis is out there writing columns saying that Pacquiao will be president. Most of what has been written is brainless hype. Pacquiao's mass appeal does have a ton of political potential. But it doesn't look like Manny himself is going to be the one who exploits it. Instead, higher-ups like Noli de Castro (ninong to Pacquiao's infant daughter, Queen Elizabeth Pacquiao), power brokers like Singson and Atienza, and even relatively clean, opposition politicians like Sen. Chiz Escudero and Pampanga Gov. Ed Panlilio seem poised to campaign aside Pacquiao and ride his popularity to their own electoral victories. Pacquiao indeed has the fame to come out in the top-12 of a senatorial ballot, and perhaps to challenge for the presidency, but his political advisers (many of whom senators, senatorial candidates, members of Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo's administration and presidential hopefuls), for reasons that seem steeped in self-interest, seem to be steering him to more modest goals.

The American press has picked up the political angle -- A USA Today story mentioned Pacquiao's plan to run in 2010 -- and they have accepted the fools' explanation of Manny's failed 2007 bid for Congress, when he lost the race for GenSan's seat to Darlene Custodio. As the story goes, Pacquiao lost because voters thought serving in Congress would interfere with his boxing career. They were looking out for him. How sweet. Actually, he lost because he made the mistake of challenging a political dynasty in a local election. This is a correction that really shouldn't need to be made, but Conrado de Quiros set the record straight nicely in an appropriately cynical column in the Philippine Daily Inquirer. Pacquiao lost to Custodio because local elections are still about machinery, and Custodio's family has controlled elections in General Santos for generations. Philippine senators are elected nationally, so having name recognition like Pacquiao's could easily make him a lock for a seat.

Every time Pacquiao fights, the chatter surrounding him becomes a little more unhinged, while at the same time the political side of the story becomes more realistic. Who knows what could happen if he fights and defeats Floyd Mayweather, Jr., at the end of this year.

Conan's budget-cutting broadsword

2009-05-23T02:49:00.003+08:00

From yesterday's New York Times article on the California budget clusterfuck:

Facing a $21.3 billion budget deficit, Mr. Schwarzenegger is requesting a $6 billion loan from the federal government, and has proposed a variety of politically unpalatable cuts, including commuting prisoners’ sentences, taking away health insurance from some poor children, reducing aid to community colleges and eliminating a large chunk of financing for shelters that serve children and women who have been abused.

How much does Arnold wish he could return to the halcyon days of Commando, when he blew up mercenaries, while riding in a yellow Porsche with Rae Dawn Chong, and still had time to share a soft serve cone with daughter Alyssa Milano?

That wily Philippine Navy

2009-05-21T19:40:00.002+08:00

Earlier this month a lieutanant in the Philippine Navy, Nancy Gadian, went public with allegations that in 2007, top Navy officials skimmed funds from the 46 million-peso pot intended for the Balikatan military exercises. Balikatan is an annual joint operation between the Philippine and U.S. militaries. For a few weeks every year, soldiers get together to do public works projects and training. All that ditch-digging and handing out rice at schools must win a lot of local hearts and minds, because Balikatan is a perennial public relations shitestorm. This year, there were prostitution scandals breaking as soon as U.S. troops arrived, with papers reporting that local pimps and mamasans in the Bicol region were busing in extra girls to meet the Americans' demand.

It is also unfortunate that Gadian's revelations are also unsurprising. Catching the top brass of any Philippine institution with their hands deep in the coffer is like discovering raccoons in your dumpster. What make this case of malfeasance entertaining, however, is the Navy's recent ultimatum to Gadian: Turn yourself in to the Navy, and we won't be forced to apprehend you.

This woman is already in hiding, for good reason. The idea that the whistleblower will turn herself in to the institution she has outed is lunacy. That's why I like it.

Real-life Bakekang story!

2009-05-19T18:55:00.002+08:00

Thanks to one of my legion of fans, who remembered so fondly my role as Brad, the baby-slapping, domestic-abusing deadbeat dad on the GMA telenovela Bakekang during the tail end of 2006. For those of you who don't know, Bakekang was a prime-time soap opera on Philippine network television starring Sunshine Dizon and yours truly, although I definitely didn't receive second (or any) billing in the actual show. Dizon stars as Bakekang (a nickname that means something akin to an ugly duckling with no hope of becoming a swan), whose goal in life is to find a foreign baby's daddy to impregnate her with a mestizo, therefore attractive, child, who will then become a celebrity and make Bakekang lots of money. But Bakekang ends up having a drunken threesome with me and my African-American friend, and miraculously (impossibly, I thought until now) conceives fraternal twins by the two of us. I won't spoil the rest of the show. Actually, it would take a few thousand words to give just a bare bones description of the plot's Byzantine ins and outs, and I don't have the energy to write it all out. Let's just say that hijinks and drama ensue, and that many a tear is shed.

The real news is that the two different babies by different daddies coming out of one mommy at the same time scenario has just come true in Texas! Unfortunately, the source on this story is the UK tabloid The Sun, but before we reflect on The Sun's dubious reputation, let's allow ourselves to believe that miracles do happen, that Bakekang could actually have a shred of truth to it. Now I know never to question the logic of a telenovela. Time to go start downloading Totoy Bato in its entirety!

This could end up on Best of Craigslist

2009-04-27T23:51:00.002+08:00

The papier-maché Michael Jordan that's been sitting in the trash room of Harper's Magazine for the past 3 months, since the editor who owned it left the magazine. Of course, there's nothing "inexplicable" about the statue's tongue, but the mistake is forgivable in light of the brilliant reference to Mario van Peebles and Solo. And no, I did not post this. I've been scheming on taking this beauty for myself, not thinking about how to get someone on Craigslist to claim it.

Quick take on Thrilla in Manila

2009-04-22T14:00:00.002+08:00

I got a chance to watch the HBO documentary Thrilla in Manila tonight. I'm not sure if Joe Frazier's side of the Ali-Frazier rivalry was as untold as the documentary suggests it was. I've read a handful of boxing books, and most of them mention how unfair and malicious Ali's racial attacks on Frazier were. My father, a Frazier die-hard, had been telling me Ali was wrong to call Smokin' Joe an Uncle Tom since I was about twelve years old. But it was nice to see a nice, long take on the fight told mostly from Frazier's side, since the focus is so often on Ali.

I loved seeing Araneta in there, as well as the random shots of the hazy Manila skyline. The best bit of Philippine trivia had to be the fact that Carlos Padilla, Jr., was brought in at the last minute to referee the fight. He's related to Robin Padilla, the country's current top action star -- and, if history repeats itself, a possible candidate for president someday -- although I haven't been able to figure out if Carlos Jr. is Robin's uncle or cousin. What's more, the documentary made it sound like Padilla was the best ref of all three Ali-Frazier fights because he was able to stand up to Ali and keep him from holding the back of Frazier's head. Imagine PBA refs being summoned to work the NBA finals! Chances are they wouldn't go down in history as doing the best job, like Padilla did, but at the very least they would make some memorably boneheaded calls, and goal-tending would become legal for a series, while players leaning in to draw contact on jump shots would be called for insane offensive fouls. If Rasheed Wallace ever fell on hard times after his NBA career and wound up in the PBA, I will move heaven and earth to be courtside to witness him lose his mind and give some referee an atomic wedgie.

Anyway, back to the movie. I would have liked to hear more from the Philippine side -- how did people respond to the two fighters, where did Frazier disappear to five days before the fight when he left the Hyatt to get some peace and quiet in the countryside. The documentary mentioned the outskirts of Manila and mountains, so I'm going to guess they took him to Antipolo, but there are a dozen other possibilities. I was interested to learn that Filipino fans in the Araneta booed Ali when he was introduced at the fight. In two weeks, had he been such a loudmouth that he managed to turn fans against him? Nothing kills an athlete's reputation in the Philippines like the label mayabang (conceited). Was the fact that he was openly feuding with his wife and parading his mistress around town a factor? The side of this story that's waiting to be told is the Philippine side. And when it is told, I hope and pray that the filmmakers or researchers or writers working on it will cast the net for sources wider than Ronnie Nathanielsz and Imelda Marcos. Nathanielsz makes sense because of how close he was to Ali, but Imelda seemed to be included in the HBO documentary just because the filmmakers knew that if you roll the cameras around her, she's going to say something crazy. Imelda obliged, with her oft-repeated boilerplate about how when people raided her closet, all they found was shoes and no skeletons. Never mind Imelda's other "closet," the Manila Film Center (I'm using some poetic license here), where Imelda is responsible for more than 150 skeletons being buried in the structure's concrete foundation. Marcos also casts Nathanielsz in a different light, because in a documentary that uses just Imelda Marcos and Ronnie Nathanielsz as its Philippine commentators it becomes harder to ignore Nathanielsz' connections to the Marcos regime. Instead of focusing on his career as a sportsman and journalist, I was left wondering why the HBO filmmakers decided to push this Marcos revival. Did Imee hook them up with some cheese from one of the Swiss bank accounts?

But that's really a minor criticism. The movie is about Joe Frazier and Muhammad Ali, in that order, and the Philippine details were the cherry on top.

A nice nod

2009-04-10T05:26:00.002+08:00

Just want to quote and link a flattering link I received in the Wall Street Journal Daily Fix sports blog, which quoted and linked me.

It's too long and too rich in dazzling details to excerpt effectively, but Rafe Bartholomew's Seattle Weekly feature on Nate Robinson, the self-proclaimed "small guy from Seattle" who has enjoyed a breakout season with the Knicks this year, is basically the only piece you need to read on N8. If you were ever curious about how much Nate likes Will Ferrell (a lot) or how hostile crowds taunted him during his college days (by chanting "Ga-ry Cole-man"), or anything else about this fascinating and unlikely specimen of hoops excellence, this is the story to read.

New Story on Nate Robinson

2009-04-09T00:16:00.001+08:00

I spent much of my free time in March chasing Nate Robinson around. I'm thankful that he's easier to catch up to off of a basketball court than on one. I spent time with him at Knicks practices, publicity events and in the team's locker room before a late March loss to the Nets that was the beginning the Knicks' ongoing late-season collapse. Oh well. Even on crappy teams, Robinson is a lot of fun to watch, and that's sort of what my story, out today in Seattle Weekly, is about.

Also, if you've got a lot of time on your hands and a burning desire to learn more about Robinson, New York Magazine also published a short feature on him this week. Mark Jacobson did a lot of the same reporting as I did, and some readers may find it interesting to see how our stories differ. Please leave comments and let me know which you prefer. Who wins the battle of the Nate Robinson features? (Anyone who says they're equal I will assume means that Jacobson's is superior.)

Advice to an American friend

2009-03-10T09:56:00.002+08:00

This is a little different from my regular posts, but it feels right so let's give it a try. The following is copied from a Facebook message I sent to a college friend who just got transferred to the U.S. Embassy in Manila. He's been in the country for a month, and he's asking me for some pointers on living the good life in Pasay. OK everyone, let's not be suplado and make jokes about how that last sentence ended in an oxymoron. Here's to the good life ... in Pasay. Also, to any readers who live South, if you'd like to elaborate on my very basic suggestions, go for it and I'll pass them along to this guy. Enough explanation, here's the text of my letter:

Good to hear from you. The first month in Manila is tough. It's hard now for me to remember exactly what it was like, since I eventually felt so at home there. The good news is that in two years, you'll have a similar opportunity to know the city just as well.

Ahh Cuneta, how I love thee and thy "no spitting" signs.

I gotta say, I never expected the Embassy to put up people next to Cuneta. I lived all the way up in QC, on Katipunan Avenue near UP and Ateneo de Manila University, but I got around a lot and spent a significant amount of time the Buendia/Libertad parts of Pasay, mostly because I had to go to PBA games and practices at Cuneta. The league schedules fewer and fewer games there these days, but if you get a chance to go to one, jump at it, just so you can behold the exquisite mess that is the Astrodome. The hideous turquoise exterior is a pretty good indicator of what's inside. Cuneta has a ton of character. It was always worth the trip.

I don't know a ton about Pasay nightlife because I stayed so far north, but I bet you'll get to know your way around MOA pretty well. Yes, malls are tacky but I think it's better if you can just look at them as a fact of life and enjoy them for their luxuries -- reliable aircon, movie theaters, fancy food. Some of my favorite places to hang out were the grimy neighborhood beerhouses in Quezon City. Pasay is not quite as good a spot for these places -- from what I saw, a much higher proportion of the beerhouses around Libertad and Buendia doubled as whorehouses. However, normal people drink too, so I bet there are some places that just stick to beer, barbecue and cheesy music. Follow the students! The CCP Complex, on Buendia and Roxas Boulevard, has upscale but still authentic restaurants and bars, and the Cinemalaya film festival at CCP in July is great. Upstairs at the CCP Complex you will find Brad's, a kind of crappy restobar but one I feel great personal attachment to, because I played a scummy American named Brad in a telenovela once, and because they sell something called "Brad's Burst," which aside from the nasty innuendo, is one of the weirdest meals I've ever heard of. It's a giant puto filled with dinuguan and topped with pineapple chutney. Puto and dinuguan go together, but not usually encased one inside the other.

You're south, so you're near the original Dampa in Parañaque. It's near the domestic airport. Dampa refers to any large wet market where you can buy fresh fish, then have it cooked for you. You can find them all over, but the original is supposedly the best. I never went, but if it's better than the one at Farmer's in Cubao and the one at Greenhills, then it is fucking great. Dampa is really my favorite place to eat in the country.

What else... You're probably walking distance from Cartimar Market, which is famous for selling exotic pets. Now, I know what you're thinking, but it's not as intense as it sounds. Given the way other things are peddled in Manila -- DVDs, abortion elixirs, votive candles, flesh -- I thought they'd be selling giraffes and tigers and all kinds of wild stuff. It's a tamer scene than that, which is definitely a good thing, for the animals and society as a whole. Still, it's a lot of fun to walk around looking at birds and fish you've never seen before. Plus, the other side of Cartimar has some of the best bootleg NBA throwback jerseys I've seen in the country, as well as some authentic-looking G-Unit knock offs, if you're in the market for that kind of stuff.

Man, what else... You got me riled up here. Well, I probably got myself riled up. Anyway, get out there and explore. Be careful, but don't be too careful. I walked around alone all the time, all over the place, and never had problems. Besides, your fists are deadly weapons. I remember this from France. Really, there's so much to see and do. It's great fun.

Finally, more good news. I got a book deal and I'll be coming back to Manila to complete my manuscript. I have to finish off a job I took here in the meantime, but expect to see me back in my adopted native habitat in June!

Ingat!

Rafe

Guest blogging at Ricoexplainsitall

2009-03-09T23:47:00.002+08:00

In a previous life, I was a hardcore hip hop head. I was an intense fan. I had Eminem's pre-Dre albums. I had dubs of battles on West Coast radio stations. I went to M.O.P. shows in the mid-1990s and tried to have a good time without scuffing anyone's Timberlands. Those days are mostly behind me, although even today I mostly listen to rap music, only now I make room for OPM, as anyone who's heard me sing Narda knows. My friend Rico asked me to write a short piece on the Notorious B.I.G., this being the 12th anniversary of his death. Read it here. R.I.P. B.I.G.

More Pacman silliness

2009-03-01T01:27:00.003+08:00

Writing about Manny Pacquiao time after time feels profoundly unoriginal, but unfortunately the Pacman just keeps doing funny and interesting stuff. He may be the pound-for-pound king of boxing, but even outside the ring the quirks of his personal life stack up against any other celebrity. In fact, although Pacquiao is probably my favorite boxer, I think I might be an even bigger fan of his extracurricular hijinks, which include playing for his Liga Pilipinas basketball team, running for political office and recording monster ballads.

What do you mean Princeton doesn't have a cockfight pit?

Now, we can add framing a Ph.D. to hang next to the Santo Niño in his living room. Last week, Manny Pacquiao, world lightweight champion, became Dr. Emmanuel D. Pacquiao when Southwestern University in Cebu gave him an honorary doctorate in the humanities. This is certainly a little goofy, but not the travesty some bloggers have made it out to be. I don't think awarding Manny an honorary degree that he hasn't come close to earning (in an academic sense, at least) spells doom for Philippine higher education.

Besides, what other prominent Filipinos receive honorary documents? Politicians, businessmen, taipans and generals, probably, and have they really done more for the country than Pacquiao? Disgraced ex-president Joseph "Erap" Estrada received one from Ateneo. The long "public service" careers of politicians would be more aptly described as "public bilking." Philippine tycoons have to get their hands dirty to make and maintain their fortunes. Shadows of human rights abuses loom over any military man. People from all these sectors have also done good things for the country, but I want to emphasize that the troubles of Philippine society compromise the ethics of any person in a position of power, and we'd be overlooking a very messy, complicated system of moral compromises and lesser evils to just say that they are better people than Pacquiao, a superstar athlete without much formal education. At least Pacman has provided a decade of uplifting beatdowns of Mexican boxers, that have united and delighted the nation. When he gets into congress in 2010, he can complete the circle and become the pound-for-pound king of government graft.

We should also point out that bestowing dubious honorary degrees upon boxers is not a Filipino invention. Here in the United States, Muhammad Ali, George Foreman and, you guessed it, "Iron" Mike Tyson have all received honorary doctorates. Pacquiao will have to work really hard to distinguish himself as the least deserving member of that group. Of course, with the possibility of a long career in politics awaiting him, Pacquiao has a chance to do that! Kayang-kaya mo, Manny!

The Pinoy Film Name Generator

2009-02-28T06:41:00.001+08:00

I'm looking at the top movie rentals page on the Web site Filipino Movie Rentals. It's a Netflix-style service specializing in Pinoy films, but since Netflix already has a pretty sparkling collection of Aga Mulach and Vilma Santos, I suspect poor little Filipino Movie Rentals won't survive much longer. That doesn't matter for us. Here is a sampling of the films that made the site's top rental list:

Loving You, One True Love, A Love Story, When Love Begins, My Big Love, One More Chance, I've Fallen For You, I Will Always Love You, Close to You, You are the One.

Here are a few others, off the top of my head: For the First Time, Till I Met You, Don't Give up on Us, Till there was You, A Very Special Love.

Notice anything? What in tarnation is going on here? Are Pinoy film producers required by law to choose from a list of 18 words for the titles of their romance films? These names remind me of that long-obsolete Internet innovation, the Wu-Tang name generator. Remember? You type your first and last name into the form boxes, click a button that says "Wu are you?" and get something along the lines of "Machete-swallowing hoodlum" or "La the Darkman" back. Oh wait, La the Darkman is a real Wu-Tang name. Anyway, I'd be willing to bet there's a Pinoy movie name generator out there, to come up with unique, heartwarming titles like "Loving you again" and "In your Arms for the Sixth Time."

Here's the problem. Since the names of these movies are all milquetoast bland and nearly identical, it's nearly impossible to discuss them without a cheat sheet. Here is an imaginary conversation. Imaginary because I'm makit it up and because hardly anyone I know is willing to discuss these cheese festivals with me.

LBoogs: Did you see One More Chance?

Rafe: Oh, is that the one with Sam Milby and Toni Gonzaga?

LBoogs: No, fool, that's You are the One. One More Chance is the one with John Lloyd Cruz and Bea Alonzo.

Rafe: Oh, I thought that was Close to You.

LBoogs: Close to You is with John Lloyd and Bea, but One More Chance is newer.

Guys, this doesn't work! Maybe it's the filmmakers' way of admitting that they are failures, that these movies are all the same anyway (same plots, same artistas, same songs, same insane 7-minute musical montages with ballads performed by the stars, even perhaps the same B-roll), so why not give them all the same names.

Secretary Janosz

2009-02-26T12:12:00.002+08:00

Doesn't this guy ...

I watched the Newshour with Jim Lehrer earlier tonight, the first half hour of which was devoted to a lengthy interview with Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. It followed the same frustrating progression as most of the program's newsmaker interviews with Obama administration officials, which consists of Jim Lehrer asking relevant, thoughtful questions and the interview subjects evading them. This isn't much different from TV news interviews on other channels, except that the Newshour lets these segments run for almost 30 minutes. By the time it's over, I usually feel like I know less about the subject than I did before watching the interview, because the esteemed interviewee spoke at such length and I couldn't figure out a word of it.

Tonight was more of the same. While the treasury secretary never wavered from the administration's pre-ordained script, my mind wandered off in search of more nourishing thoughts. I'm pretty sure that what I came up with doesn't qualify, but it was more captivating than Geithner's talking points.

... look like this guy?

So here's my eureka moment: doesn't Geithner look an awful lot like Peter MacNicol, the character actor who played a member of President Wayne Palmer's cabinet in season six of 24? I'm not sure this bodes well for Obama, since MacNicol's presidential advsier betrayed the POTUS. To make things even worse, earlier in his career, MacNicol played Janosz, the effeminate museum employee in Ghostbusters II who becomes Vigo the Carpathian's henchman. Anyone who reads the news probably suspects that Geithner is already beholden to his Wall Street peeps, but he looks so much like Janosz, I can't help thinking he answers to another, even more sinister, dark master. And if Secretary Janosz is half as bad as his fictional lookalikes, then we better hope Obama can rely on a CIA operative who resembles Kiefer Sutherland and a kick-ass Bobby Brown song about Ghostbusting to bail him out of whatever trouble Janosz and Vigo are plotting.

Index of the Week

2009-02-19T12:41:00.003+08:00

Since January, I've had the privilege of being an intern at Harper's Magazine. For the past two issues, I've been researching the magazine's signature front-of-the-book piece, Harper's Index. The the uninitiated, the Index is a page in the front of the magazine that tells a story about what's going on in the world with 40 statistics, some of which are hilarious.

The Harper's Web site just unveiled a new feature -- a searchable Index database -- that will hopefully introduce the magazine to a younger, less print-centric audience. That's a tall order, but the online Index might be cool enough to do it. I'm going to try to include an interesting search term once a week on this blog, and you know what my inaugural search has to be: Philippines.

Here are the Index stats that come up when you search "Philippines." By the way, Index stats are often so bizarre or counterintuitive that readers might think there's no way they could be true. On the Web site, sources for the stats appear when you mouse over the lines. But beyond that, after researching two Indexes myself and seeing the magazine's process for reporting and fact-checking the stats, I can personally vouch for the truth of Harper's Index stats. The magazine's four interns spend two straight weeks reporting, checking and re-checking that one page, and two editors work with the interns throughout the cycle.

10/85Filipino journalists murdered this year: 9

4/85Percentage decrease in the gross national product of the Philippines in 1984: 5.5

11/86Amount The Triumph of Beauty, a portrait of Imelda Marcos, brought at auction in August: $27,500

2/86Percentage of the Philippines’ 300 government-owned corporations that are headed by Imelda Marcos: 10

9/87Proposed fine for selling or eating dog meat in Manila: $100

3/88Percentage of 1988 U.S. foreign economic aid that will go to Israel, Egypt, and the Philippines: 68

3/88Number of candidates in the Philippines’ January regional elections who were murdered during the campaign: 39

6/88Number of the 26 journalists murdered last year who were killed in the Philippines: 11

11/89Number of pages of his newspaper a Filipino editor says military personnel forced him to eat at gunpoint in May: 2

11/89Number of people arrested for smoking in public places in Quezon City, the Philippines, since March: 1,514

2/92Estimated change in average U.S. temperatures this winter due to a volcanic eruption in the Philippines last year: -0.9° F

Estimated number of days the Washington, D.C., cherry-blossom season will be delayed this year due to the eruption: 7

3/96Number of corruption charges still pending against Imelda Marcos in the Philippines: 306

5/01Number of pairs of Imelda Marcos’s shoes on display in the Philippines ‘ new shoe museum: 200

5/05Percentage of Filipino couples who “do not know how pregnancy happens,” according to the country’s health minister: 30

Here are my observations: The Philippines seems underrepresented. Harper's has been publishing the Index for 25 years. 12 x 40 x 25 = 12,000 Index stats, approximately. And just 15 have been related to the Philippines? Sayang. None of these stats will probably blow the mind of anyone who's lived in the Philippines for any length of time and knows an outline of martial law history. The most perplexing one to me has got to be the line about smoking arrests in Quezon City. Can someone fill me in on why people weren't allowed to smoke in public in 1989? The most vivid line has got to be the one about the Masbateño journalist being forced to eat pages of his newspaper. But anyone will tell you that Masbate politics are no joke. Print the wrong thing or challenge the wrong boss in Masbate and being forced to "eat your words" at gunpoint should probably be considered getting off easy.

Enjoy the Index, everyone. It's awesome.

The Only Place GMA meets Obama

2009-02-13T13:42:00.003+08:00

This commercial will not surprise any Filipino readers, as I'm pretty sure it was played around the clock during PBA games, TV Patrol, Wowowee and every other widely-watched program on Philippine network television. I saw at least one actual TV Patrol segment about the commercial and it's Barry O'Bomber look-a-like star, who although first rumored to be Pinoy, turned out to be Indonesian (this seems appropriate, given Obama's upbringing).

One quick side note: Look-a-likes are universally funny. Everywhere I've traveled (which isn't that many places, but at least I grew up in a diverse city), people like look-a-likes. But nowhere have people loved them as much as in the Philippines, where finding kamukhas is a tier-two national pastime just behind basketball, cockfighting and videoke. I remember traveling to a PBA game in Bacolod City with the Alaska Aces in 2007, where the night before the game I spent almost two hours sitting in front of a TV with five of the players, all of us watching and pointing out kamukhas for each other and anyone else we happened to know. When the albino Filipino comedian Redford White came up on screen, my white ass was toast. But no matter how realistic -- or, as was more often the case, unrealistic -- the resemblance between two kamukhas, the response was the same: uproarious laughter.

Back to the president. The commodification of Obama's image is nothing new. It probably culminated during the week of the inauguration last January, when T-shirt and tchotchke vendors inundated Washington, D.C., gold rush-style and even the official presidential inauguration committee got in on the action with its online store and boutique near the Mall. I'm already sickened by the flood of carbon copy books about Obama, none offering much that hasn't already been on TV or online, and I know the deluge isn't over. So it's no surprise that Obama -- or his Indonesian doppelganger -- is popping up in commercials. And while I have not scoured the Web for amusing Obama commercials from every spot on the globe, it's hard for me to imagine enjoying one more than I enjoy this one from the Philippines.

For starters, the kamukhas are great. The Obama lookalike is very close, but beyond that, he's got a slightly goofy manner that tells viewers to get ready to laugh. The Gloria Macapagal Arroyo lookalike is laughably bad in terms of resemblance, which I believe reflects the mostly negative public opinion of her in the Philippines. She was sworn into office the same day as George W. Bush, and it's looking like her presidency will end in a similar state of disgrace. I'm confident that I could find a woman bearing a closer resemblance to GMA in the ladies' car of the MRT any weekday morning in Manila. So it says something that the producers of the commercial decided to hire this more gremlin-ish character, and, of course, that they chose to slap the hyperbolic upper lip mole on her.

The commercial's jokes fall into the English-Tagalog wordplay genre, which is rife with puns that are humiliatingly corny but also irresistible.

"Try our kare-kare, it's OKs!" says GMA. Or is she saying "ox"? Kare-kare is a dish of oxtail stewed in peanut sauce with eggplant, green beans and other vegetables. "OKs", pronounced like "oaks", is an annoying Taglish way of saying OK.

"Ginataang mais. It's corn, but we use our coconut!" Ginataang mais is a dessert of corn and malagkit rice in coconut milk. "Use your coconut" is something you hear parents say to kids or coaches to players. "Use your head!"

Then, of course, the product, Motillum, an anti-nausea pill that helps with indigestion and dyspepsia, which I'd say is a suitably weird thing to be advertising with two heads of state.

But wait, there's time for one more pun. This one is by far the corniest, but also the funniest of all, because you knew it was coming, and you knew it was awful, as did everyone involved in producing the commercial, but everyone got on board and pulled it off with gusto. (This is how I understand the frequent ritual acts of mass humiliation in Filipino culture -- like Wowowee or the unavoidable fate of being forced to dance or sing at most public gatherings. There's an underlying social contract. Everyone agrees to laugh and be good natured. When your number is up, you have to act the fool. Sooner or later, everyone gets pulled into the spotlight and forced to embarrass themselves. And I must say, as someone who participated in a lot of embarrassing spectacles, that it feels pretty cathartic.)

After Motillum cures Obama's tummy ache, GMA offers him a cup of powerful Barako coffee from Batangas. "Café Baraks?" she asks, with a giant shit-eating grin that says, "You heard me. I just used the worst pun imaginable."

Then, as the coup de gràce, the camera pulls out and shows GMA and Obama standing side-by-side, with Gloria topping out about 18 inches short of Obama's head, somewhere around his sternum.

Finally, there's a current events tie-in to this commercial that I'm pretty sure the producers had no way of anticipating, but that makes it even funnier. The ongoing saga of GMA's attempts to meet President Obama or get some kind of public acknowledgment from him is a growing source of embarrassment to the Philippine president. She tried to meet him during the campaign but it didn't work out. She called to congratulate him after the election, and he didn't return her call for days. Last week, she eked some favors out of U.S. congresspeople to get an invitation to a National Prayer Breakfast that Obama attended, and again failed to get face time with the president. (Article here.) Suddenly, the desperate caricature of GMA in the commercial is starting to look much more like her real-life counterpart.