Toast, It's not just for breakfast anymore

You Only Have to Buy One Box

2009-10-09T10:12:00.000-07:00

Inbox Humor

2009-09-02T11:32:00.000-07:00

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"

Little boy: "What the #$%& do you think?"

Raising Okra

2009-08-09T10:02:00.000-07:00

Okra is a decidedly southern-American food. But fans of it can be found in Japan, Thailand, and in all of central Africa as well. IMO, it's the most disgusting vegetable known to man. No matter how you cook it, it creates this slime that is best described as 'snot-like'. If you saute it long enough, the slime goes away, but it's still tough to eat. I mean, you know the slime is still there... it's just hidden. If you batter and then deep fry it, it's pretty good. But if you're going to fry it, why not replace the okra with rings of onion, or a potato? They're both much better than the godawful okra.

Anyway, here's how to grow it. Wait until you are getting days that exceed 80 degrees all of the time. That's in mid to late April down here in Boondocks, Lousiana, but it may be as late as June in the northern states. Far northern states like Montana, the Dakotas, Maine, etc might not be able to grow this plant at all. If anyone up there is adventurous enough to try it, please send me an email. I'd love to hear about it.

Plant the seed about a foot apart. It's a slow grower, and needs constant and vigilant weeding for about 60 days. After that, give it a bit of fertilizer one time (I use 8-8-8, mostly because I don't know what it's asking for), and it will produce abundant amounts of those horrid okra pods, continually, until the first frost. But once again, you have to be vigilant. They grow very fast at this point. You've got to cut them off every other day. Otherwise, they turn into inedible fibrous crud that's sort of like a tree limb. Very woody.

That's about how big they should be. 8" is cutting it close. 2" is overkill. Somewhere in between is ideal.

The Problem with Watermelon

2009-07-11T21:07:00.000-07:00

Growing a ~50 foot row of watermelons has a serious drawback. Besides the horrible job of weeding the damned things, you have to figure out what to do with about 40 watermelons. And they all ripen at the same time.

Of course it's impossible to eat so many melons in a one month time frame. So this year, we interspersed regular (charleston grey) watermelons with some tiny (sugar pea) 'icebox' type watermelons so we'd have a mix of big and small to satisfy any family in town. That way, we could give them away to everyone, regardless of family size. A good side-effect was that those tiny watermelons produce, I'm guessing, three melons per vine. We've got well over a hundred watermelons sucking up the sun right now, all within a week of being ripe. Check out the difference in the size of the finished products:

Quite a difference! The little ones are a bit hard to find because of the stupid way I planted them among the regular sized watermelons, but they are exceptionally flavorful, and have just a tiny rind.

So what should you grow? Big ones or little ones? The big ones definitely give more eatable watermelon per square foot, but the little ones are pretty cool. Plus, you can grow the little icebox watermelons in a 10 gallon pot, if you're willing to water them every day. It's up to you!

This is Getting Old

2009-07-04T10:04:00.001-07:00

Now it's breaking 100F while being partly cloudy! While friends and family in NJ. MA and Minnesota report ridiculously cool weather, friends in MS, AL, and FL are suffering through equally ridiculous heat... and no rain for over a month. *whine*

Regardless, we've got people showing up in 2 hours to eat some fine barbecued Independence Day brisket, chicken and ribs. It's uncouth to whine at a party, so I'm whining on the internet instead. FWIW, I think we'll all be hanging out inside :).

Happy Fourth!

The Bane of the Southern Gardener

2009-07-02T18:05:00.000-07:00

The stink bug. So called because it bears the abhorrent scent of cilantro. They make tomatoes un-give-away-able because their stings mottle the skin and make rock-hard bead-like structures beneath it. They make cucumbers grow misshapen. They make bean and pea pods come in missing half of the beans/peas. They even discolor corn kernels if you aren't fast to harvest them.

There used to be a pesticide that would eradicate them - Thiodan. But the EPA, being a bunch of whiny ^%$#@$es, banned it in America four years ago, simply because it looks a little like DDT chemically. No studies. They just said 'it might cause cancer', as if anyone was eating the stuff. The EPA is nothing but a bunch of hippies, which is doubly sad because it was created by Republicans!

But I digress. I'm writing this to let you know that there is a new (~2 yrs old) product that treats stink bugs like the cilantro smelling scuzzballs they are and knocks them out, and then kills them - for about 5 days, rain or shine. Then, you've got to pick all the veggies and spray again.

Bayer Triple Action Insect Killer. Buy some today. I haven't found a bug that it won't eradicate. Buy some now before the EPA randomly selects it for the chopping block.

Update: It works on azaleas and rhododendrons too.

What Happens?

2009-06-16T08:31:00.000-07:00

What happens when you put a city girl on a tractor in the country? You get a really big smile :)

That's my sister, btw. She's awesome.

Things Just Got Weird

2009-06-15T13:06:00.000-07:00

We live on a dead-end road, and there are three other houses in a group beyond ours about a half-mile further down the road. So, what could this possibly mean?

It's on a telephone pole on our property about a quarter mile before you get to our house. I'm not bothered that someone put up a sign on our land (we're eazy-breasy in Louisiana), but I really want to know what it means!

For the record, I sniffed, but smelled no dumplings :(.

UPDATE: I added the following addendum to the sign:

But sadly, no dumplings have been offered :(.

'Maters

2009-06-13T19:28:00.000-07:00

We've grown 1, 429 (+- 50) tomatoes this year. I know, because I'm the only one who picks them (lazy freakin' family.. but that's another story that I'll grumble about another time), and it's so boring that I count them. I $%@^&'d up and planted twice as many as I should have, thinking that an expected freeze was going to kill my original crop. The freeze happened, but we saved the plants by draping a towel around each of them. We didn't do anything but that. And they lived! Unexpected, but very cool. But it leaves us with a ridiculous amount of tomatoes.

Here's an example. I picked these Roma tomatoes from 6PM to 6:30PM (good for making sauce, but not so much for eating fresh). I got about a third of the way done with the Romas when I'd had enough (it's oppressively hot in Louisana in June, July, August and the first two weeks of September... also I'm a wimp when it comes to heat), and this is the result:

Don't let the camera fool you. They're beet red. I pick them every night, and leave the extras in a cooler that says 'Free Vegetables' by our Post Office (we have no stores in our town, if you can believe that... it's rinky dink), and by the time I come home from work, it's empty. So far, at least.

Finally, I'll end with a tomato that's unabashedly happy to meet you.

And then there's some corn. But that's a story for another time.

UPDATE 6/16/09: scratch 1429 tomatoes, because it's now 2109 tomatoes. From one and a half 80 foot rows. Unfreakinbelievable. It's gotten so bad that I can't even find enough neighbors to give them to. A LOT of people have gardens in Hicksville, America, and there's only so many vegetables that you can eat or jar in a season. And the corn? Oh. My. God. We planted a 30'x30' patch, and got roughly five times as much corn as you see on our table above, and it all came due in 3 days! Holy CRAP that was a lot of corn. I called in sick one day to help process the stuff since my wife threatened divorce if I didn't (she does that a lot. No worries, but it's best to heed her orders when she gets to that point.)

Before you call me a braggart, know that I'm not taking credit for these ridiculous amounts of produce. It's not because of something I've done. Everyone in Louisiana is experiencing it, perhaps it's an American or even worldwide phenomena. I have no idea why, but it's a banner year. And as an amateur gardener, that makes me very happy. And full.

My Grandfather's "Hobby"

2009-06-12T18:39:00.000-07:00

This is a story told by my grandfather, circa 1975 (ish). Apologies for the use of the N-word. He meant no ill will. It was a perfectly acceptable way of saying 'black person' back then. Or so I'm told. Without further adieu, here's a story about my grandfather's hobby, as told by my grandfather, typed by my cousin, and transcribed by yours truly. He was funny. Give it a read.

Grandpa’s Hobby

Last summer we were more than a little shocked when we found out my grandfather was sneaking around making moonshine out on the back porch down in Grant, Louisiana. He told us he was making gasohol to use in his lawn mower, but the last time I was there he still had not mixed any gasoline with it.

When we asked him about that back porch still, he told us that “long years ago when he was young”, he used to make moonshine and home brew all the time and thought it would be fun to try it again --- sort of like a hobby. Then he told us this tale about an incident that happened once when he made some home brew at the ripe old age of thirteen:

Poppa died when I was five, Mama died when I was eleven, and after livin’ with Uncle Levi and Aunt Lanny for a year, I ran away and went and batched with Uncle Joe for six months at a turpentine camp on the Sabine River where Uncle Joe was quarter boss and woods rider. He looked after the chippin’, dippin’, scrapin’, and rakin’ around the trees in the fall of the year so if the woods was to catch fire, the trees wouldn’t burn with all that turpentine. If them trees woulda caught fire, they’d a burnt like gasoline.

The workers in that turpentine camp lived in a “quarters” off a little ways down the road from Uncle Joe’s cabin, and Uncle Joe was boss over the “quarters” and the whole outfit. Man, them turpentine men was the meanest bunch of guys there ever was. They’d fight all the time and kill one another. Uncle Joe had to tend to ‘em and keep ‘em straight. He’d wrap ‘em over the head with a cane, or sometimes he’d shoot ‘em if he had to. I seen him shoot an old woman in the foot when she was comin’ after him with a butcher knife, and she just fell full length. Now, they was scared of Uncle Joe! There’d always be somebody that would slip off and come tell Uncle Joe, “Old so and so’s over there raisin’ the devil and runnin’ around with his guns, fixin’ to kill somebody.” Then uncle Joe would have to go get ‘em all quietened down.

One evenin’ one of them (insert n-word here) over there at the quarters was just a cussin’ and fightin’ and raisin’ sand; he’d shot at Uncle Joe two or three times, and Uncle Joe had shot back at him and then hunted him half the night and never could find him. Uncle Joe always slept with his 38 and big ole flashlight by the side of his bed.

That evenin’ I had decided to make me some home brew. I had bought me a five gallon stone churn and some bottles, caps, a capper, and a tester to test that beer. When you get that home brew to a certain degree, it’s time to bottle it up. Well, I had broke my tester, and I bottled that stuff up too green.

Man, all at once in the middle of the night, “KaPow! KaPow! KaPow!” Them bottles got to explodin’ and that was the worst racket you ever heard in all your life. The jar from one bottle would bust another one, and it just kept on ‘till it blowed the tops off ever’ one of ‘em.

Now, when them bottles started blowin’ up, Uncle Joe sailed outta that bed like a wild man and grabbed that gun and flashlight; he just knew that (insert n-word here) had done come back and had ‘im. I yelled, “Uncle Joe! Uncle Joe! It’s my home brew!” He just dropped to his knees. I grabbed me a ten quart water bucket and tried to save some of it, but it blowed the bucket clean outta my hand and cut it for or five flips across the floor. I lost ever’ bit of my home brew.

Yes, I guess my grandfather started out pretty young with his hobby, but now it looks as though he is going to have to give it up because, in his words: “It took me sixty pounds of sugar to make that moonshine out there on that back porch the other day, so I already made up my mind. I ain’t gonna make no more ‘cause sugar’s done got too high!”

_____________________

I've got his still up in my attic :).

Why Are Liberals Obsessed With Race?

2009-06-10T21:59:00.000-07:00

Just wonderin'.

Idea! Or should I say, Idea?

2009-06-03T21:16:00.000-07:00

Michelle Malkin should ban Ed Morrissey from putting a question mark at the end of most of his headlines. If he can't make up his mind about the information he's presenting, why should the information be reported at all?

Of course, I never had any luck convincing her to ban the phrase, "The obligatory" from Allahpundit's posts, so don't get your hopes up on my latest complaint being resolved well :(.

Oh No! Espan Yole!

2009-05-31T09:52:00.000-07:00

I was messing around with proxy servers last night, and suddenly YouTube started coming to me in Spanish!
Does anyone know how to fix this? There doesn't appear to be an 'english' button. Help!

UPDATE: Doh. The trick is to click 'Espanol'. This pops up the list of REAL languages (spanish is a fake language... well that's what I'm saying) and you can choose 'English' at that point.

Screw the Single Malts

2009-05-29T14:32:00.000-07:00

The best present a man can ever receive. Don't waste your money on the blue label, and ESPECIALLY don't waste it on the single malts. This $80 bottle is all it takes to let the love of your life know that... well, he's the love of your life.

The liquid missing from the top of the bottle? That's how much it took for me to realize that life is really really good. Maybe it's the Scotch talking, but I love you. You're awesome.

Cole Crop Reign Endeth

2009-05-18T17:13:00.000-07:00

This is the end of the cole crop season (cole, aka 'cruciferous' vegetables include broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, kale, napa, and possibly mustard greens, among many others). They are a cool season vegetable, and it's getting hot as heck down here. Here is our last and biggest cabbage, which I'm showing as an exemplary member of the cole family:

Also pictured: tomatoes in a bag. Sorry, I wrote that stuff to send it to a friend, and I accidentally wrote right on the image, so I can't remove it :(. Anyway, after removing a few leaves that got hit hard by bugs, it's still 11.5 inches across! That's serious cabbage. Wish I liked to eat the stuff :(.

If you like cole crops, here are some good rules of thumb:

- 3 broccoli plants is enough to make a family of 4 sick of broccoli for about two months.
- Napa, aka Chinese Cabbage, is not... good. Unless you're planning on making a few hundred egg rolls and freezing them, don't plant Napa.
- Don't attempt cauliflower unless you live in a cool clime that is mostly dry and devoid of slugs. I say let the Californians grow that nasty vegetable.
- Plant them indoors 3-4 weeks ahead of time and transplant them to your garden when you're pretty sure the temps won't drop below 25 degrees. They can actually handle colder weather than 25 degrees, but it stunts them a bit.
- Exceed the recommended application of fertilizer written on the bag you purchased with wild abandon. They thrive in heavily fertilized soil (as do tomatoes, peppers and cucumbers, fwiw)

Terrible News - THE US IS UNDER A TACK!!!

2009-05-09T12:05:00.001-07:00

See?

Jules Crittenden is Marie Osmond’s Lesbian Daughter

2009-05-09T01:28:00.000-07:00

No one has said Marie Osmond’s Lesbian Daughter as many times in a single article as Jules Crirtenden. Shameless stat manipulation, but kind of funny :).

Stock Tip

2009-05-07T09:22:00.000-07:00

(not a joke)

Whenever a company that you own stock in is about to report quarterly profits, do this:

- Sell all of it a few hours before they report. If they report after hours, sell as close to the bell as you can manage.

- After they report, the stock will dive, regardless of whether it's good news or bad news. I don't know why, but trust me, it will dive.

- So buy it back five trading hours later. If they reported after hours, buy it back the next day at around 2:30pm ET.

The final step: PROFIT! My guess is that you'll pick up a quick 2-3% profit. Not a lot, but over time, it's huge.

ps - You're welcome.

UPDATE 5/7/09: I've gotten three emails about this post (I had no idea that three people even read this blog) and it's clear that my comment caused some confusion. Hopefully this will clear it up.

1) This is not a sure thing. Weird stuff happens all the time in the market. But yeah, it's kind of a sure thing. *wink* Pick any stock you have, go back to the day that they announced their profits, and see for yourself.

2) No, this does NOT work with mutual funds or exchange traded funds.

3) You can't do this with your 401k :(.

4) You CAN and SHOULD do this with your IRA.

5) If you do it with regular taxable monies, remember that it's considered a 'wash' sale by the IRS, and you can't claim any loss you might have incurred if you happen to be selling the stock for less than you originally purchased it for. Don't worry - you still get to claim the loss. But not until you sell the stock for good.

6) Apologies for injecting a serious note into my goofy blog. To lighten things up, here's a cheeseburger!

The Economy (from the inbox)

2009-05-05T16:05:00.001-07:00

The Economy Is So Bad . . ..

- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Jewish women are marrying for love.
- Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.
- HotWheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
- Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
- A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico. [pre-swine flu]
- The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
- People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
- Motel Six no longer leaves the light on.
- The Mafia is laying off judges.
And finally......

- Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Hey, great idea the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

Bottleshock Review

2009-05-04T20:37:00.000-07:00

Eh. It's a pretty good movie. Worth a rent. I'm a sucker for true stories. Here's a clip:

I love it when British and Americans tussle. It's just fun barbs, at least ever since 1815. I'm confident that we will never be at odds with Britain again unless islam destoys them. But until then, rent Bottleshock.

The Guy Got the Order Right!

2009-04-21T10:41:00.000-07:00

I Hate Frickin' Hippies

2009-04-16T16:24:00.000-07:00

No post. I just haven't said that in a while. And it's important to remind people that hippies suck.

Chervil in a Pot

2009-04-10T12:13:00.000-07:00

Here's some chervil in a pot sitting on the front lawn. It's kind of pretty, like a fern.

My wife has asked me to grow this stuff for two years, so I finally ordered some seeds. I'm not entirely sure what you do with it. It's an herb very similar to parsley, but other than that, I'm in the dark. I asked my wife what she wanted it for and she cryptically said, "You put it in stuff to make it taste better." Thanks for clearing that up, wifeypoo.

Edit: There is also another plant in that pot, but I don't know what it is. If you blow the photo up by clicking it, you can tell that the fernlike leaf in the lower right corner is not the same as the rest. It's some kind of micro-green grown to be added to hoity-toity salads. I apologize that I can't give it a name. But it's not too gross as salad greens go. Kind of peppery, like arugula, but in a good way.

UPDATE: After tasting the leaves of that thing in the lower right-hand corner a few times, and finally deciding that it tasted pretty bad, I decided to remove it. Guess what it was. A frickin' carrot! Just a head's up - carrot tops don't taste good :).

Would You Believe in Berries Made of Straw?

2009-03-27T22:09:00.000-07:00

Who's never seen an unripe strawberry? If you answered 'me', you won't be able to say that ever again. I mean, without lying. 'Cause here they are!

(click to embiggen)

Strawberries are very interesting because they don't typically spread via the seeds that coat the berries that we eat. Instead, they send out 1 or 2 foot long runners that have small plants at their tips. As soon as they find dirt, they root and become next year's supply of fruit. This is an evil and pernicious tactic of many weeds, but with strawberries, it's a good thing. Mostly because they taste good.

Hey, A Pea!

2009-03-27T10:45:00.000-07:00

Yankee gardeners will have more experience with these things than I do. But for southerners, here's the rules: You plant these things next to a trellis on ~ January 1. Then you leave them alone for three months, and voila! You get two pea pods.

There's probably more to come. For those interested, these are 'sugar snap' peas, You can eat them pod and all, like snow peas, or you can just eat the peas. But they are not snow peas. That's a somewhat different animal, and you can't grow them in the lower third of the US. Snow peas are paper-thin, and sugar snap peas start off and stay about a quarter of an inch thick.

They're fun to grow, but like all vegetables, they pretty much taste like crap. Still, they are fun to grow...

UPDATE 5/6/09: This is a VERY prolific plant. According to my estimates, we've picked around 1.7 bazillion peas off of these three plants. I've also changed my opinion on their taste. If you sautee a cup of them with a tablespoon of oil and a good bit of salt for ~4 minutes, they taste quite good. Kind of like asparagus or boiled peanuts.