Stoned.Nerd

FAO Portishead fans

2008-06-05T19:46:00.006+08:00

Finally after 10 years, their fourth album, ermm titled 'Third', is out.

Apparently the news is almost 2 months old, which is a clear indication that i should get out more.

The review looks good though i didn't really understand most of it except the last bit, but still i can't fucking wait to get my hands on it.

Available in all good music stores (and torrent sites).

P.S. i've downloaded the album in the time i took to write this blog. It's amazing eh, the Internet.

Note the irony

2008-04-13T13:14:00.003+08:00

Things i wish the teachers have taught me before i left school

2008-03-25T15:14:00.003+08:00

Different professions make different money, and sometimes the difference can be ridiculous.
Find something you love to do. This, of course as we know, is very hard. Otherwise, remember that your work is just a job. It does not define you; it is not your life. It is a means to an end, i.e., paying your bills and buying the things you need.
Banks aren't really your friends and don't give two craps about you. Spend less than you make. Debts suck the life out of you.
Learn who your friends are, and learn not to be jealous of their success.
Be completely honest with yourself and others, even if it means taking a risk. Truth hurts.
Learn how to write clearly, speak intelligently, think critically, and get along with people who are not like you. You will not meet any competent people at high levels of any enterprise who do not possess these.
Don't be afraid to look stupid. I've met plenty of people I didn't like, but I have yet to meet anyone who didn't have something they could teach me. Even regarding sex.
Don't go to graduate school if the only reason you'd go is that you don't know what else to do. Graduate education has many inherent risks and drawbacks, and it should only be taken on if you have a good idea of what those risks mean for you.
No one really gives a flying fuck about what grades you got or what awards you've won.
And nobody owes you anything.
Just because you have a degree doesn't mean you know everything.
Be in equivalent relationships. Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
Things will go wrong at work and at home. Very few things will turn out exactly as you'd planned.
Lastly, but not least, watch your back and keep your nose clean.

anybody has got anything else to add?

fuck.

2008-02-26T15:46:00.003+08:00

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust "Fuck me."
7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9. Despair "Fucked again..."
10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost "Where the fuck are we."
13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21. Directions "Fuck off."
22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"

It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!"

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history: "What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima
" Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic
"Thats not a real fucking gun." John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?" Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll." Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive." Commander of Space Shuttle "Challenger"
"What fucking map?" Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!" Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck." Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!" Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass." Noah

[off the internet]

FAO: Fans of Edison Chen, Cecilia Cheung & Gillian (who?)

2008-02-03T15:27:00.001+08:00

Not safe for work.

It's all over the news. My view is, the proof of the pudding is in the eating, and oh somebody needs to shave some hair.

Poll: are you ladies disappointed, or "OMFG-it's-a-LOCH-NESS"?

FAO anyone who has a clue

2008-01-29T13:22:00.000+08:00

i have a close mate who's getting married a few days later. he has invited us to his ROM solemnisation and dinner at a hotel afterward. the dinner's a simple affair, unlike the usual dour wedding banquet where 10-12 people sit around in a table and try to make pathetic small talk - "so how's work/health/your parrot/?" - whilst eating the usual fare which looks almost strangely identical to the ones you've eaten a few months back at some other banquets, before fucking off right before dessert is served.

anyway. so, do i:

1. go empty-handed but give him a friendly hug and wish him all the best, while muttering "brother, god bless you" under my breath;

2. or give him a red packet because, you know, nothing's free. and how much?

3. or give him a small gift which is the least attractive option because i hate buying gifts - which would ultimately turn out to be some off-colour sex toy?

mucho gracias.

i've something to confess.

2008-01-28T01:42:00.000+08:00

actually i am a secret agent - okay no, 'i was'. yea, you read that right. of course now that i've told you that, my secret identity is gone, but i've got more important things to worry about right now: like the yogurt in my fridge that's expiring today but that's for another story.

last week, i was at the sTu. sTu is this huge covert organisation that is in charge of very serious matters. its like the FBI, CIA and CTU in America, except they have agents like us. in fact, they have agents everywhere, from all walks of life. and once in awhile, they will recall some agents for re-training so that we stay in tip-top fighting condition, and are able to cope with the very serious stuff we are supposed to be handling.

so what do we do when we head back for training? i can't reveal the specifics, but i can tell you it involves a LOT of waiting. in fact the first day i was there, i spent a good whole day with some other agents waiting for instructions. and then in between training sessions, you wait. sometimes you wait for an hour, most times you wait for an entire afternoon. lest you think that it's basically us "idling", due to a lack of purpose and directions from an organisation that is fucked up, let me assure you that you can't be more wrong. to be fair, i did wonder about the purpose of all this waiting until one day, while i was staring blankly into space, fiddling with my nostrils and some other orifices, overcome by a deathly ennui, a revelation hit me. i realised that actually they are training our patience. so yeah.

we agents lead double lives. away from training, we go on about our lives like any normal other people. however when we don our uniform, our mentality and behaviour change. a good analogy will be Clark Kent and his alter ego, Superman, except that we don't wear our underwear on the outside. we start to do things that we don't normally do. for instance, while waiting (what else?) for training, we sprawl and lie down whenever we can, and we also pee standing beside trees. i'm sure you don't see that sorta behaviour around; it only happens at the sTu.

of course amongst the agents, we have high-ranking ones as well. these are the people who think they are the dog's bollocks because they have gone through longer training - which comprises of very intensive periods of waiting - than the rest of the agents, and they behave like one. if you're not aware, you may mistakenly think that they act like a complete tit. of course, again, you're wrong. in the normal world though, outside the sTu, these people are difficult to distinguish. in fact, he could be the one standing behind you queuing up for Macdonald's, hands on hips looking very impatient (that's because they don't queue much over at sTu).

anyway, before i sign off, i'd like to share this thought which struck me while i was waiting for training one afternoon last week: if you're stuck with some boring, uninspiring crap to do, don't fret. it will pass.

over and out.

Reservist

2008-01-20T16:53:00.000+08:00

For the next 5 days, you may be able to sleep very soundly at night, at the thought of me thrashing about in the backwoods of Jurong with a bunch of other physically fit, committed and enthusiastic fellas who masquerade as frustrated and stressed desk warriors otherwise. And in fatigues and with very long loaded guns, no less. The Nation's Defence is IN OUR HANDS.

Or maybe you won't.

the thought of me putting aside my redundant research for a week to go do something as ~~time-wasting~~ important as this is extremely alluring.

i just hope i don't faint in the strong heat.

Quote

2008-01-15T10:32:00.000+08:00

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

Dave Barry, humour columnist

men & women

2008-01-13T17:06:00.000+08:00

Men tend to define themselves by their work whereas women define themselves by their relationships. If a woman is unhappy in her relationship, she cannot work. If a man is unhappy at work, he cannot focus on his relationship.

- a self-proclaimed "relationship expert" featured weekly on Sunday Times.

annoying thing of the week (so far)

2008-01-13T13:20:00.000+08:00

this young lady in a group of six who was seated 3m away from us at ThaiExpress at Paragon last thursday evening. in that hour we were there, all we could hear was her voice, probably trying her best to impress her mates at a catch-up gathering or something. not that it was my business, but i was trying to talk dirty to my missus and that lady was distracting. even in between stuffing her mouth with food, she was like "gaa hmmm heylookatme ivegotsomething brillianttosay gaagaaa listentome ooohilovemyownvoice..... heeeee heee hheee"

i doubt her mates were particularly amused or interested in what she was saying because they weren't exactly responding much. it was like someone singing lousily, and happily, at a ktv singing session, and the rest of her mates were too polite to ask her to shut the fuck up.

after awhile, i was contemplating whether (1) to walk over to her and dunk our bowl of tomyam soup on her head; or (2) jab my ears with the fork so to alleviate the pain from the ruckus.

and then i remembered something my momma told me: the chattering of the monkeys does not disturb the mountain.

~
in other news ...

"Psssst, Liverpool just drew again."

Yesterday

2008-01-11T13:39:00.000+08:00

over at Borders, i bought this book, and after skimming through it, all i have to say is...

before I found this, I was a pathetic, depressed, underappreciated, overworked, edgy man. Now, I'm all those things with an inspirational book.

Work/Life Balance

2008-01-10T12:23:00.000+08:00

Stephen Covey, author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, has this to say on work/life balance.

Today the average college student or corporate worker considers themselves a “multitasker”. It’s not unusual to meet people in their 20s who are working, going to school, starting their own company, married, raising kids and enjoying hobbies. They end up with a huge list of things that fracture their attention. This isn’t wrong in any way–for the most part it’s admirable–but there is an old saying: to a hammer, everything looks like a nail. To a chronic multitasker, everything is a task. Soon, the things in life that are really important to them are in the same list as everything else, and the only tasks that get done are the ones that have become urgent, but often aren’t very important.

Prioritizing is easier said than done nonetheless.

Don't sweat over the small stuff... and they're all small stuff.

2008-01-09T12:26:00.000+08:00

last night i was working on my slides for my meeting with the bosses later this week, so i was spending hours and hours plotting and replotting a bunch of data points to create some graphs, like the one below... and then it struck me.

Does anybody, beside me, really give a shit about this thing? This thing, amongst other similar (redundant) work, that i've been spending 4 of my most valuable years on? All these things that cause me to lose my sleep, my zest for life, and worst, my once-raging libido?

I looked at it again. Does it fuck? Are my bosses gonna look at it, thump the table, and hail, "OMG, nerd, you've just made a contribution to scientific knowledge that will save the world"?

I'd let you know after the meeting. Meanwhile, it's back to work again.

she said

2008-01-07T15:38:00.002+08:00

it's always darkest before dawn.

suicide

2008-01-07T15:38:00.000+08:00

a while back, this lady from next door commited suicide. apparently, i heard she was bothered by an illness. one early morning, she took the garbage out and then jumped from the corridor. i woke up to hear her husband sobbing his heart out at their doorstep. it was a heartwrenching scene.

i always greeted her whenever we met along the corridor, and she never failed to have a smile on her face. although she had looked frail in the weeks leading to her death, i didnt think too much of it either.

with all due respect, i always think people who commit suicide are selfish. my momma did the lot: she cut her wrists, she tried overdosing on pills, she locked herself in the kitchen and tried gassing herself. you could say that she was rubbish at it though. however, it really fucks you up especially when you are 8-9 then, and you see things like that happening, and you cant do fuck all. you feel useless and then wonder if it's all your fault - or maybe not. (maybe that explains why i am how i am today.) and then it all culminated when she jumped one sunday evening while my dad brought me and my bro out swimming . goodness knows what would have happened if my bro and I were left at home with her that evening.

i dont really blame her, partly because i was too young then, and because it's been a long while since. one thing's for sure though: she didnt care much for us. she couldnt cope with her life, copped out, so she took the easy way out and left us behind. people who commit suicide rarely think about how it affects those around them, but then they really should.

hello 2008

2007-12-31T12:01:00.000+08:00

in 2007, i've learnt that:-

if you can help it, don't do a PhD unless you really need to; or unless you have a gun put to your head; or unless you're too bored of your life. it will provide that impetus to thoroughly mess up your life, your health, your mental well-being, and your relationships with your loved ones. you'd entertain thoughts of suicide every now and then, as well as self-deprecating thoughts of how useless and redundant you are in this dark, lonely world.

relationships are hard work. somebody once said love is the solution to life's problems. i'd like to have abit of that whatever he/she is smoking. though in fairness, that's partly true, but still LOVE TAKES A LOT OF HARD WORK. just ask my missus.

friends come and go, but the real ones will always be by your side when and if you ever need them. and alsoo that friendships are like highways; they go both ways too. sometimes you'd be in for a surprise if you deem someone as a close friend, and then suddenly realises something big has happened in her life and you're the last one to know. like a wedding. to add salt to the wound, another mutual friend would ask, "you're not invited? this is strange."

I'm a little bit older and a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.

happy new year, folks.

let me put this down in writing

2007-06-18T10:10:00.000+08:00

lest i forget it. but i very much doubt i will because it's the most memorable birthday i've had.

apart from the time we went drinking at zouk, and i was wasted in 20mins once Midnight Madness started. i think i left some of my dinner behind too.

my missus came over in the morning, and brought pancakes for my breakfast. apparently, she woke up at 6plus just to do those for me. i was like OMG. instead of feeling hungry, i got very horny, and then we did things together that are not fit for publication on this wholesome blog.

after awhile, she barked "dress up, i'm gonna bring you to somewhere." and then we went over to this photo studio - she got me a package so that we could take a pic together in black&white and frame it up for memories. apart from the fact that I HAVE TO PUT ON MAKE-UP and POSE IN A UTTERLY GAY MANNER in a deserted bungalow off Changi for the entire afternoon, i thought it was a very sweet gesture. it helped that she is very big on the ROMANCE thing, and love that idea. if this came from a guy friend, i would have punched him and anal-poked him with a cucumber whilst he lay writhing in pain on the ground.

and that was not the end of it, for we went over to Vivocity for dinner at Marche. she managed to gather my friends to celebrate it for me. it didn't exactly came as a surprise because i sorta knew about it, and one guy who wasn't in the loop called me and spoiled everything. but still i went all warm inside upon seeing them. or maybe it was due to the photoshoot earlier.

we adjourned to Wine Company at dempsey road for drinks later. and then it got embarassing, when they got me a small dessert lighted with a candle and started singing me a birthday song.

on the way home, she said "the night's not over, baby." she told me to search my room for another gift, and i found a box with a sexy lingerie inside. i told her i like this one better. so when i came out from the shower, and i found her lying in my bed wearing it...

and the rest, like they say, is history.

Okaayyy

2007-06-12T11:42:00.000+08:00

Hong Kong cable car plunges

A cable car to one of Hong Kong's biggest tourist attractions, a giant statue of Buddha, has been closed indefinitely after a cabin plunged 50 metres to the ground, officials said Tuesday.

We were there about a month back. She was afraid of heights and had not sit in a cable car before. I remembered telling her it was safe... Apparently I'm so wrong.

We paid HK$150 for the ride each; this dude only had $15 with him.

Eliminate stress

2007-06-11T13:46:00.000+08:00

There's nothing that winds me up more than colleagues or strangers making a "wow, you look stressed" remark. I mean, nobody dares to say "wow, you're ugly" to my face, but suddenly, it's all right to comment on my mental state. I usually retort with a smart-arse comeback like "Nah, I'm just busy, not stressed."

But who am I kidding?

Zenhabits has 20 ways to eliminate stress from our lives.

Let’s first take a look at an example — it’s a little extreme, but it exemplifies the typical stressors in people’s lives. Let’s say Fred gets up in the morning, waking up late, and now has to rush to get ready. He’s so rushed that he spills his coffee on his shirt and has to change, a nicks himself shaving. He heads out the door and then has to go back in the house because he forgot his wallet. He gets in the car and realizes he forgot his keys.

Now he’s on the way in to work and is in the middle of rush-hour traffic — and his temper starts to flare after someone cuts him off. He’s honking at people, cursing, and arrives to work late and in a bad mood. He snaps at someone and is surly all morning. His desk is covered in piles of paper, and he can’t find that report he needs to work on. His inbox is overflowing and his email notification is going off, and he sees he has 36 messages to respond to. He knows he’s late on two projects and his boss isn’t happy. He’s got to finish 5 tasks before the 11 a.m. meeting, and he’s got meetings all afternoon.

I sound like Fred.

Trip to Taipei & Hong Kong - Part I

2007-06-11T00:18:00.000+08:00

This is long overdue. Our trip to Taipei and Hong Kong back in May was terrific. We regretted not spending more time over at Taipei though. On hindsight, it was a mistake taking up the free-and-easy package with the tour agency, for it meant that we had to transit over at Hong Kong on our way to Taipei because Cathay had some rules regarding their planes or something - which was stupid, to say the least.

Here are some family-friendly pictures to depict our two-days stay there:

In Ximending (XMD). This is like their Bugis area - a place where the trendy teenagers hang out and compete to see who are more obnoxious (i'm kidding). The Taiwanese are generally a friendly bunch. The missus went crazy and shopped like it was free, while I made myself useful by carrying her shopping bags. That guy right in the foreground is not me by the way, just in case you're wondering. I've more class than to be caught carrying a Gucci bag.

The g-strings for our friends. Don't worry, we she didn't try them on first.

Fans sitting down in rows while waiting patiently for a concert by SHE. There I was thinking, okaay I can't see anything from here, so why don't you guys just squeeze all the way to the front to get a better view, and fuck the queue... Then i realised i'm just being A SINGAPOREAN.

The food there is delectable. There is this stall in XMD that sells the famous Ah Zhong mee sua (very loosely translated). There are no seats provided, so everybody will just grab a bowl and and mill around. There are no chopsticks even; we witnessed two japanese tourists who brought along their own chopsticks. The power of good food...

She loves that mee sua.

I'm not too sure why, but I had difficulty finding rubbish bins on the street. This was one of the 5 rubbish bins we saw during the stay.

A giant yellow dildo...

Okay, this is it. I'm starting to ramble...

This has been your Taipei field report. Out.

Signs you're turning old...

2007-06-07T16:24:00.000+08:00

I've noticed a few:

Really loud and awful music is beginning to wreck my head, and thus I find myself tuning into Gold 90.5FM on the drive back home.
I'm starting to like jazz.
I can't keep up with the sms-es fast enough - which my missus likes to send me, well, because she's young.
And I can't keep up with 3-4 shags per day. Everybody knows that a man's sexual peak is between age 17 and 22 32 42. After that, the need for sex vs watching your favourite programme on TV becomes a more evenly matched contest. Often the need to watch your favourite program on TV wins. Or so, i heard from others.
Metabolism starts to slow down, so i have to watch the carbs and waistline.
Suddenly I'm turning 28, and I've become all responsible and committed. More worryingly, I start to have dreams of a home, garden and kids.
I find myself searching for "instant and easy" get-rich plans or any other sort of investment tools.

Is there any one else who is experiencing the same?

Question of the day: Is your penis big enough?

2007-06-07T16:01:00.000+08:00

The answer is probably yes.

Women are much more interested in a man's personality and looks than the size of his penis, but men can experience real anxiety even if they are average sized, according to a research review published in the June issue of the urology journal BJU International.

:(

And regarding the various penis enlargement techniques, ... seriously?

Like my momma once told me, the only time a penis can grow in size is during puberty.

That Olympic 2012 logo

2007-06-07T08:42:00.000+08:00

Epilepsy fears over 2012 footage. Apparently, that logo cost 400,000 pounds to design. No shit.

In my opinion, this one is way better.

If you're applying for college

2007-06-06T18:22:00.000+08:00

and you're asked to describe yourself, try this.