Irreverent Musings

Fretting Democrats

2009-01-30T20:32:00.002-05:00

“I’m worried. I mean, everyone, absolutely everyone has put Obama on such a high pedestal and he’s bound to make a big mistake, and then everyone is going to hate him, and everything will be AWFUL.”

I hear worried speeches similar to this over and over again, generally from people who voted for Obama, but who have now decided that fret is the new hope. Optimism? I mean, that’s just so three months ago.

Based on the number of times I’ve heard this same speech, I can promise at least this to you who are worrying: you aren’t alone. In fact, if just those people who I’ve talked to about this in the past few weeks would give me your names and phone numbers, you’d probably already enough have members to wait list part of your new support group.

Yes, yes, I’m horribly biased towards presidential optimism. I was just seventeen in 2001, so this is the first time in my adult life that I’ve had a president other than Bush. It still blows my mind on a daily basis that when I hear the president has ordered this or that overturned I’m elated, not disappointed. Starting to close Gitmo? Excellent. Rescinding the gag rule? Fabulous. Reaching out a friendly hand to other countries? Amazing.

I suppose I still share some of your worries. Of course he’s going to make mistakes. Of course people will jump on those mistakes as proof that Obama is too inexperienced, too elitist, or too liberal. Yes there will be plenty of political drama. However, this new political beginning strikes me as similar to the beginning marriage. It’s good to understand there will be rough patches down the road. On the other hand, if you begin your marriage imagining your divorce, you’re probably subscribing yourself to unnecessary misery.

Oh, this isn’t to say that we shouldn’t look forward: planning for the future is essential to any relationship, president-to-supporters or otherwise. Yet, I think we can look forward while still savoring the honeymoon. There will still be plenty of time to argue over whose turn it is to do the dishes, take out the trash, or reduce the national deficit.

In the end, my sustained optimism comes down to this: when I look Obama’s plans and policies, his ideas and ideals, I see a country I want to be a part of. For me, that’s enough to keep the early glow of this relationship fresh for quite a while.

Obama calls for halt to Gitmo prosecutions

2009-01-21T13:21:00.000-05:00

GUANTANAMO BAY, Cuba (CNN) -- In one of his first acts in office President Obama has ordered the U.S. government to suspend prosecutions of prisoners at Guantanamo Bay for 120 days, military officials said Tuesday.

-Obama calls for halt to Gitmo prosecutions

I am thrilled. Bush, maybe not so much. From the same article:

At his final White House press conference on January 12, Bush was asked whether the military prison and harsh interrogation tactics have damaged America's standing in the world.

"I strongly disagree with the assessment that our moral standing has been damaged," he said. "It may be damaged amongst some of the elite. But people still understand America stands for freedom; that America is a country that provides such great hope."

Yes. Such great hope. Like the hope that if you were a non-citizen, you wouldn't be held in Gitmo for years and years without charge. Oh, and maybe tortured. Yes, that is a reason for hope.

Also, the word "elite" has apparently been once again redefined. Now it includes not just those who eat arugula, but also those who oppose torture. Or, maybe it's just been redefined to include any qualities that a certain prominent Democrat might possess.

No worries on my part. That elitist, arugula eating, torture ending guy is now my president. My president. Now THAT is a reason for hope.

Free Doughnuts > Abortion on Demand

2009-01-19T22:33:00.004-05:00

This week’s This American Life included a segment where cute children read cute letters to Obama. In a quest for more cute kid recordings, I randomly stumbled upon clear evidence that Krispy Kreme is pushing Obama’s EXTREME PRO-CHOICE AGENDA by, horrors of all horrors, using the word ‘choice’ in their inauguration-day free doughnut campaign. (swoons from shock)

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, Inc. (NYSE: KKD) is honoring American's sense of pride and freedom of choice on Inauguration Day, by offering a free doughnut of choice to every customer on this historic day, Jan. 20. By doing so, participating Krispy Kreme stores nationwide are making an oath to tasty goodies -- just another reminder of how oh-so-sweet "free" can be.

Just an unfortunate choice of words? For the sake of our Wednesday morning doughnut runs, we hope so. The unfortunate reality of a post Roe v. Wade America is that "choice" is synonymous with abortion access and celebration of 'freedom of choice' is a tacit endorsement of abortion rights on demand.

President-elect Barack Obama promises to be the most virulently pro-abortion president in history. Millions more children will be endangered by his radical abortion agenda.

Celebrating his inauguration with "Freedom of Choice" doughnuts only two days before the anniversary of the Supreme Court decision to decriminalize abortion is not only extremely tacky, it's disrespectful and insensitive and makes a mockery of a national tragedy.

- KRISPY KREME CELEBRATES OBAMA WITH PRO-ABORTION DOUGHNUTS

So…. Choice of Free Doughnut > Pride and Freedom of Choice > Obama > Tacit Endorsement of Abortion Rights > Mockery of a National Tragedy?

Even with my occasional (okay, frequent) misuses of the transitive property in the pursuit of being ridiculous (and linguistically yoga-like), I don’t think I can stretch that far.

Regardless, while I failed to find further recordings, you can still celebrate tomorrow’s inauguration (!!!) by reading some of the letters (just imagine the cute kid voices in your head as you read), ordering the full book of letters (it’s by and for a good cause!), or listening to the This American Life episode that inspired my original search.

Or, like Krispy Kreme, you can further ruin the world with free doughnuts. Shame. Shame!

Whale Souls, Tidy Demons, and Gingerbread Rabbits: A Less than Extensive Guide to Alternative December Celebrations

2008-12-23T18:10:00.000-05:00

I’ll admit it- even as a raving (well, occasionally raving) atheist, I am a fan of most of the secular aspects of Christmas. I love the smell of cinnamon, pine, and cookies. I love Christmas lights, tinsel, and carols. I especially love Christmas trees; as a child, I used to crawl into the pine-and-dazzle space between the tree and the wall to read for hours.

Best of all: Christmas underwear. My grandmother tucks three to five pairs of new underwear into all family members’ stockings each year. I grant automatic bonus points to any holiday with such a fabulous guarantee.

However, perhaps trees and underwear are not the correct ingredients to kindle your holiday spirit. Or, perhaps you like celebrations so much that you want even more of them! Either way, in an attempt to make your life more exciting, I have compiled a less-than-extensive guide to alternative December celebrations to replace or supplement your existing festivities.

Beiwe Festival

For fun with fertility, sanity, reindeer bones, sexist animal slaughter, and butter, try Beiwie. Wikipedia describes this holiday as follows:

The Saami, indigenous people of Finland, Sweden and Norway, worship Beiwe, the sun-goddess of fertility and sanity. She travels through the sky in a structure made of reindeer bones with her daughter, Beiwe-Neia, to herald back the greenery on which the reindeer feed. On the winter solstice, her worshipers sacrifice white female animals, and with the meat, thread and sticks, bed into rings with ribbons. They also cover their doorposts with butter so Beiwe can eat it and begin her journey once again.

- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Winter_solstice.

Alternative Version: Just eat sticks of butter. Mmm…. butter.

Festival For The Souls Of Dead Whales

What could be more exciting than an Inuit holiday celebrating the souls of whales who graciously* gave their lives and flesh throughout the past year? Well, perhaps a holiday that actually exists.

The souls of dead whales?," said Ronald H. Brower, Sr., director of the Inuit Heritage Center in Barrow, Alaska. "That's a new one. We do celebrate catching whales, and there are several celebrations throughout the year, but Festival for the Souls of Dead Whales? Never heard of that one."

- http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2002/12/1210_021210_whalespirits.html

Oh well. Reality is overrated, eh? For more random December holidays invented by calendar makers, see the alternative versions below.

Alternative Versions: Take It In The Ear Day**, National French Fried Shrimp Day, Flashlight Day, National Whiners Day***.

* Well, somewhat graciously and post harpooning.
** ?!
**Really, there was no reason to give whiners a holiday, but they wouldn’t freaking shut up about it until they had one.

Lucia, Feast of St. Lucy

Lucia or Lussi Night happened on December 13, what was supposed to be the longest night of the year. The feast was later appropriated by the Catholic Church in the 16th century as St. Lucy's Day. It was believed in the folklore of Sweden that if people, particularly children, did not carry out their chores, the female demon, the Lussi or Lucia die dunkle would come to punish them.[21]

- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Winter_solstice.

It is possible that I just wanted to include this holiday because I have a picture of myself as a child, dressed as St. Lucia, presumably in an attempt to ward off female demons.

Alternative Version: Dress up as the demon instead of St. Lucia and threaten your loved ones with beatings until they do their chores. Or threaten to withhold the beatings unless they do their chores. Depends on their predilections, I suppose.

Secular Christian Holiday Combo Baking Day!

In the past, friends have mocked me for not being “in the Christmas spirit” because my decorations are typically something along the lines of* three small red candles placed on my counter. I may have also spent my last several Easter weekends at atheist conferences rather than dying eggs and tying ribbons on ducklings, or whatever exactly it is one is supposed to do on Easter.

However, now I have exciting holiday photos of my very own to show these mocking friends! This year I token-celebrated not just one, but two Christian holidays, Christmas and Easter, with some traditional December baking.

Because, really, what’s better for secularly celebrating the both birth and death of Jesus in one bite than a gingerbread bunny?

Alternative Version: Celebrate the Jewish version of Christmas/Easter combo! Go out for Chinese food and a movie, in manner of the traditional Jewish Christmas…. and then kill Jesus.**

*"along the lines of" should be translated as "exactly"

** It's anti-anti-semitic. Upon reading this, Mel Gibson should be offended. Certain scary anti-semitic groups should be offended. You should not be offended. So stop it.

Celestial Post-It Notes

2008-12-06T11:01:00.002-05:00

Kentucky law puts God in charge of security? Atheists appalled

As an atheist and a Kentuckian, Edwin Hensley was rather put off to learn that the God he has spent decades not believing had been put in charge of keeping the Bluegrass State safe from terrorism.

Turns out a stealthy legislative move by a Baptist preacher-turned-politician led to the passage of a 2006 bill requiring the state's Office of Homeland Security to acknowledge formally that safety and security in the state "cannot be achieved apart from reliance upon almighty God." The language in the bill only recently came to the public's attention, leading Hensley and some like-minded Kentuckians to file a lawsuit against the state.

(skip a few paragraphs)

The law in question also required the state's homeland security office feature a plaque that reads, among other things, "Except the Lord keep the city, the watchman waketh in vain." 

- http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/chi-081204-atheists,0,6784488.story

Apparently, god might get angry if his role as divine protector is not properly acknowledged. Or, perhaps god is simply disorganized, and the law is the equivalent of a celestial post-it note. As god is rummaging around his work desk, he runs across the note and groans, “Oh right! Kentucky! How could I have forgotten?” and poof, offers his divine protection.

Frankly, with his current track record, I’m not so sure this particular almighty god is the right one for the position. If the state of Kentucky insists on legislating a protective deity position, perhaps they should be required to solicit the resumes of other deities to ensure that they have found the best candidate for the job role. Homeland security? Frankly, I might go with Ares for maximum intimidation factor.

For Rep. Kathy Stein, who says she's the lone Jew in the Kentucky House of Representatives, the law itself, and the lawsuit she knew would follow, is a silly waste of time.

"It's a waste of taxpayer dollars, and we're in a significant budget crunch here," Stein said. "I believe the man" - and by that she means Jesus - "would rather us spend the money we used for a plaque in the homeland security office on insurance for an un-insured child."

Exactly. In all his omnipotence and stuff, I’m sure god would understand.

Prop 8- The Musical

2008-12-03T13:42:00.003-05:00

I am going to post again within the next few days (as soon as the initial bout of jet lag wears off). Until then, this video is at least twenty times as amusing as anything I could come up with in my current state of perpetual grogginess:

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Palin Passive Aggressive

2008-11-13T18:32:00.005-05:00

I won't be posting for a few weeks, but this time I have a good excuse- I'm going to South Africa!

In the meantime, I would like to coin a new phrase: Palin Passive Aggressive. This shall hence-forth be used to describe statements meant to subtly insult a Democrat, while feigning friendliness. Accompanying wink and "you betcha" are optional, but suggested.

See example below:

"I don't have fear, I have optimism," Palin said. "Barack Obama is going to surround himself with those who do have executive experience.

- http://edition.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/11/13/palin.obama/index.html

Post-Election Glee

2008-11-05T20:37:00.006-05:00

When I was thirteen, my stepfather told me that he hoped I’d someday be able to vote for a candidate who I truly believed would be an excellent president. When I voted for Obama, I fulfilled that vision. Even better: he won.

I am sure there are at least 1.2 billion blog posts today waxing poetic about how Obama is going reverse oh-so-many of the policies of the last eight years, recover our country’s reputation in the eyes of the world, and rescue lots of cute, fluffy rabbits from the evil dragon in the tower. And, frankly, I am twitterpated enough with Obama to dance around the room in gleeful agreement for at least the first year of his term. However, for the sake of my feet, I will try to contain my glee. A little.

Though I no longer live there, I am really, really proud of my home state of Ohio for voting for Obama. Now, when I’m backpacking around Europe and mention Ohio, Europeans will possibly no longer grimace in a manner directly translatable to, “oh, right, that’s the state that screwed up the 2004 election.” Now, I have hopes that these same Europeans will return to their pre-2004-election response of an entirely blank look, directly translatable to, “where the fuck is Ohio?” Blankness is bliss.

I was so excited about the presidential election, that I didn’t pay much attention to the three issues on Massachusetts’ ballot until right before the election. However, all three were vote-worthy:

Issue 1: I voted to continue taxing my income. Of all the various forms of taxes, I find income tax the fairest. Also, as Joe the Senator said, paying taxes is patriotic. Or, since it’s a state income tax in this case, Massachusetts-atic. Or something silly like that.

Issue 2: I voted to decriminalize being caught with an ounce or less of marijuana. I rarely smoke marijuana. In fact, I have several favorite books that I have read and reread more times than I have smoked marijuana in my entire life. Regardless, while I didn’t feel like I personally had much at stake, I’m happy that the penalty has been reduced to a $100 fine in Massachusetts. I find it pretty ridiculous that cigarettes, alcohol, and semi-automatic weapons are generally legal substances, while marijuana is thoroughly demonized.

Issue 3: I voted to end greyhound racing in Massachusetts. The way the greyhounds are treated is pretty sad stuff, and this was an easy choice for me. I also would have also voted for Proposition 2 in California but, alas, I am on the wrong coast for such.

Also in California, I am very disappointed that Proposition 8 probably passed. As a resident of a state that does allow same-sex marriage, I must admit that I enjoy the snotty feelings of progressive-latte-liberal moral superiority when I think about the rest of the country (that’s how Massachusetts liberals think, right? I’m still practicing my technique). However, I don’t enjoy these feelings nearly enough to glad that most of the country is busy putting up barrier after barrier for two people who love one another to be legally recognized as married.

At this point, every time I talk about same sex-marriage, I feel like I am mimicking one bumper sticker or another. Minority rights should not be put to popular vote. If you are opposed to same-sex marriage, than don’t YOU marry someone of the same gender. Save marriage: ban divorce! Regardless, I think Proposition 8 is utterly unfair, and I am heartily disappointed by California. And Florida. And Arizona. Not to mention the billions of other states that previously amended their constitutions to ban same-sex marriage. It’s not a particularly new phenomenon, but it’s still disheartening.

After a generally exhilarating election, I don’t want to end my post on a sour note. I’m still optimistic that same-sex marriage will be legal throughout the country within the next few decades. Oh, and Obama is going to be president (gleeful dancing). In the end, that’s almost enough for an election.

Denial

2008-11-05T20:27:00.000-05:00

In the spirit of denial, I am going to begin posting again without acknowledging the fact that it’s been almost a year since I last posted. Erm, except that I kind of just acknowledged it by denying it. Oh well.

I (don’t heart) Huckabee

2007-12-19T18:45:00.000-05:00

"Unless Moses comes down with two stone tablets from Brokeback Mountain to tell us something different, we need to keep that understanding of marriage," Huckabee said, referring to the movie about two gay cowboys.

How clever. A merged pop-culture/biblical reference. In reality, the existing ten commands don’t address homosexual behavior or marriage though they do forbid adultery, often interpreted as any sex outside of marriage.

Really, if fundamentalist Christians are oh so concerned with reducing the amount of sex by unmarried couples, perhaps they should consider supporting same-sex marriage. Currently, Massachusetts is the only state where same-sex couples even have the option to be considered a-okay by those pesky stone tablet edicts.

Huckabee also expressed his opposition to heterosexual couples living together, calling it "demeaning. . . . I reject it as an alternate lifestyle."

- Huckabee's views on gays under greater scrutiny

Unfortunately it appears that I, in my deviant heterosexual live-in relationship, will still be damning myself to hell on a regular basis. Oh well.

For those of us unsure of our degree of personal sinfulness, Huckabee appears to have created a helpful continuum of “aberrant behavior.”

As first reported yesterday by David Corn at Mother Jones, Huckabee said the following in a 1998 book he co-wrote called Kids Who Kill:

It is now difficult to keep track of the vast array of publicly endorsed and institutionally supported aberrations—from homosexuality and pedophilia to sadomasochism and necrophilia.

When we asked Carter if Huckabee stood by this quote, he didn't disavow the comment. But he sought to clarify its meaning, denying our suggestion that the quote equated homosexuality and necrophilia:

"He's not equating homosexuality with necrophilia," Carter told us. "He's saying there's a range of aberrant behavior. He considers homosexuality aberrant, but that's at one end of the spectrum. Necrophilia is at the other end."
Carter added: "No way is he saying that homosexuality is like having sex with dead people. That's not it at all."
Asked how one measured what rated where on this spectrum of aberrant behavior, Carter said: "He was talking about aberrant sexual behavior. Sado masochism and necrophilia are on the further end of the spectrum."

- Huckabee Adviser Clarifies Remark About Homosexuality And Necrophilia: They're Both "Aberrant Behavior," But They're At "Opposite Ends Of The Spectrum"

I suppose this means if Huckabee becomes president, I’ll never be permitted to enter into a civil union with my handcuffs. Such a pity.

Teen Birth Rate on the Rise

2007-12-05T16:04:00.001-05:00

The nation's teen birth rate has risen for the first time in 14 years, according to a new government report.

The birth rate had been dropping since 1991. The decline had slowed in recent years, but government statisticians said Wednesday it jumped 3 percent from 2005 to 2006.

- Report: U.S. teen births rise

This, after years and years of federally funded abstinence only sex education classes?

I’m shocked. Shocked!

Since all of these teenagers must be listening carefully (as teenagers do) and abstaining consistently (as teenagers also do), the only possible explanation I can see is a rise in the rate of immaculate conception.

…and, some impending sanity from my home state of Ohio…

An Ohio school board is expanding sex education following the revelation that 13 percent of one high school's female students were pregnant last year.

- Sex Ed Changes At School With 65 Pregnant Teens

My ultimatum to myself: write, or face cardboard boxes

2007-11-28T11:01:00.000-05:00

A coworker informed me that Massachusetts is just as religious as the Midwest. Clearly, that coworker has not spent a substantial amount of time in the Midwest. After living in Ohio for 24 years, the past six months of living just a few minutes walk from Harvard University has felt practically like a different world, one in which atheism… well… doesn’t actually matter so much.

Sure, sure—there is religion in Boston. However, it feels more like the free-form Western European variety of religion where some people are religious, some not, and only a relatively small percent of the population actually wants to shove their religion down your throat. Compare this to Ohio, where atheism was such an oddity that I was included in a newspaper article about local atheists, and where, on my last day as a tutor, the mother of one of my clients spent twenty minutes explaining to me that god had asked her to witness to me because he wants to be a part of my life. (Note to god: asking a friend to ask someone out for you is soooo middle school. In the future, I’d advise both god and middle school students to try direct communication for better results.)

The only bad part of the move? No inspiration. Since packing up myself and my books and transporting us to Boston, I’ve been horribly lax about writing in general and blogging specifically. I think the best solution would be for me to move back to Ohio, thus recreating the religious tension necessary for good atheist blogging. However, since I’m not actually interested in moving, my second-best solution is to just sit down at the darn computer and start typing. Regularly. We’ll see how that works. If I’m unsuccessful, please start sending new cardboard boxes for my books.

(Okay, so I have absolutely no intention of enforcing this threat to myself. I (heart) MA.)

Massachusetts Gay Marriage Referendum Is Rejected

2007-06-14T22:15:00.000-04:00

Massachusetts Gay Marriage Referendum Is Rejected

BOSTON, June 14 — Same-sex marriage will continue to be legal in Massachusetts, after proponents in both houses won a pitched months-long battle on Thursday to defeat a proposed constitutional amendment to define marriage as between a man and a woman.

See, I knew I chose the correct state. Woohoo!

(Thanks Jack, for the heads up.)

Brazil to subsidize birth control pills

2007-05-28T21:16:00.000-04:00

SAO PAULO, Brazil - Just weeks after Pope Benedict XVI denounced government-backed contraception in a visit to Brazil, the president unveiled a program Monday to provide cheap birth control pills at 10,000 drug stores across the country.

(applauds) If this is the effect the Pope has on the countries he visits, I encourage him to tour widely and often.

"The church favors responsible parenthood, with parents using natural (birth control) methods," said Tempesta, who oversees the church in the northeastern state of Para.

- Brazil to subsidize birth control pills

As the joke goes, the Catholic Church allows women to use mathematics to prevent pregnancy, but neither physics nor chemistry. "Natural Family Planning" has always struck me as a ridiculously contrived loophole. I once heard it explained that the method leaves open the opportunity for God to "give" you a child, if he so wishes. I suppose that if I were to believe in an omnipotent deity who reputably once managed to impregnate a virgin, I'd likely trust that neither a condom nor a pill full of hormones would be likely to thwart him. Perhaps I’m over-estimating omnipotence.

(cross posted at The Atheist Mama)

Deities & Dump Trucks

2007-05-18T12:00:00.000-04:00

God threw a dump truck at me on Wednesday. Luckily, God apparently has lousy aim and the dump truck landed in the ditch beside me, leaving my little civic-hybrid and all people involved entirely uncrumpled.

Some might suggest that instead of attacking me, God saved me by sending the dump truck into the ditch instead of into my bumper. However, it doesn’t seem quite fair to always be giving God the benefit of the doubt by attributing the miracles to him while denying his involvement in misfortune. As a dirty atheist, I certainly haven’t been racking up “divine intervention” points. This was most likely an act of divine spite gone bad due to inadequate warm-up time in the bullpen.

On the bright side, I think I might have found a new angle for marketing my car. Perhaps I’ll have more luck selling the Honda Civic Hybrid with Divinely-Thrown Dump Truck Dodging Powers. Anyone want to buy a “magic” car?

Is coffee dangerous after all?

2007-05-18T11:21:00.000-04:00

After reading all of the studies about the potential health benefits and downfalls of coffee, I apparently subconsciously decided to conduct my own study this morning. My findings were this: espresso, when applied directly to the left hand, appears to have no health benefits. In fact, scalding one's skin could arguably have a negative effect on one's health. Based on this experiment, I’d suggest that espresso continue to be ingested through the mouth rather than applied to the skin. Others are welcome to repeat this experiment to assess the validity of my results, but I’d recommend that you use someone else (preferably someone you don’t like) as a test subject rather than applying the espresso to your own hand. Ouch.

Polls: Sarkozy elected French president

2007-05-06T15:32:00.000-04:00

PARIS - Energized French voters chose Nicolas Sarkozy as their new president on Sunday, giving the U.S.-friendly conservative a comfortable margin for victory and a mandate for change, result projections from four polling agencies showed. His Socialist opponent conceded minutes after polls closed.

- Polls: Sarkozy elected French president

I think my favorite line about the election (from another article) was one where Sarkozy was quoted as calling Iraq a “mistake” whereas Royal called it a “disaster.” The French idea of conservative is certainly already less far right than that of in the states*. That being said, from what little I knew of the election (mostly via Snoow), I was definitely crossing my fingers for Royal. Apparently, crossing my fingers had little effect.

* The French apparently typically refer to the US’s political parties as the right and the far right.

Serving Up Maggots as an Appetizer for Atheism

2007-04-24T13:04:00.000-04:00

If you serve up maggots anywhere during a conversation, like during a meal, it’ll be all your guests remember later.

I recently started a temporary day job as an instructional designer. On my first day, I was granted a cubicle. As someone who has spent most of her life self-employed or, for a short while, in an office*, a cubicle is a novel experience indeed.

I’m still learning the rules of cubicle life. I’ve already learned that whenever anyone in an adjacent cubicle begins a conversation, it’s commonly understood that everyone in the vicinity must drop everything he or she is doing to eavesdrop. It’s also my understanding that it is proper to later pretend that these conversations were completely inaudible to all but the intended parties. Through our mutual pretending, we maintain the illusion that we all have “real” offices and “real” privacy.

Apparently, this tenet of cubicle etiquette doesn’t always apply.

A few days ago, I was sitting in my cubicle, merrily designing instruction**, when I heard the Ira Glass-esque voice of a coworker sitting in a neighboring cubicle drawl, “you know Kelly***, there is no afterlife.” At this, my ears perked up. While I personally might try to not introduce rationalism with death, I’m always interested identifying fellow rationalists. He sounded like a good candidate. “There is no heaven, no hell, no god,” Ira-sound-alike continued. A fellow atheist too! I continued to listen, not even pretending to type anymore. “When you die, your body will rot and be eaten by maggots. Life really has no point.” Oh, I thought. He’s a maggot guy.

The conversation continued, intermixed with a lesson in Adobe Illustrator. I was less interested in listening at this point. I’m a realist. I’m okay with the fact that, were I to be buried****, my body would indeed decay, possibly with the assistance of some friendly maggots. However, I’m not so into unnecessarily dwelling on the gruesome. “Hi! I’m an atheist! Want some maggots?” is possibly not the best pick-up line ever invented.

Later that afternoon, Kelly wandered over to my cubicle and grumbled, “Oh, I’m just having a great day—Ira told me I’m going to be eaten by maggots and that there isn’t any point to life. Did you hear?” Apparently, this was a case when I was supposed to ignore cubicle tenet number two and acknowledge that I had, indeed, been eavesdropping. I nodded. “My mother raised me as a Catholic,” Kelly continued, “she’d just be so upset to hear something like that.” I nodded again. “Why would he believe something like that?” she asked.

I took a deep breath as I prepared to out myself. “Well, actually, I’m also an atheist. However, I think Ira’s being a bit of a nihilist.” I explained how the lack of an afterlife just makes life sweeter—since we only get to try once, we should do as much with our lives as possible. I explained that, while I didn’t believe there was a prescribed “meaning” of life, we make our own meaning through social compacts and personal values. “Oh,” Kelly said, blinking a few times as she absorbed this. Then she smiled, “That’s really so much nicer. I’m so glad I met you, Amanda,” and wandered off singing***** a random show-tune I’d never heard before.

Really, I don’t know the background or circumstances of Ira and Kelly’s conversation and could be grossly misrepresenting them both. Such is the danger of blogging about those you’ve only known for three days. However, either way, I shall make a suggestion for introducing atheism to others: good conversations, like good recipes, call for absolutely no maggots.

Cross posted at The Atheist Mama.

* with REAL walls!

** after all, that is what we instructional designers design

*** not her real name

**** I don’t plan on it—I might as well donate it to science and let someone get some use out of it.

**** this is not an exaggeration for literary purposes—she really does sing while wandering around the office. It’s her thing.

Sacrificing for the Relationship

2007-04-23T23:47:00.000-04:00

Many moons ago, I dated a vegetarian. Many moons ago, I was a bloodthirsty meat-eater. But, I was also a hormone-crazed young man, so whatever she wanted was fine with me. No meat? I'll deal. So I sacrificed.

These days, I'm a vegetarian. This actually makes things easier. I'm still in the minority on other things though. I'm an atheist. I have to steer clear of those catholic school girls. (also because I'm atheist). So I sacrifice. Actually, that has worked out with my wonderful current significant other. She's great. atheist, vegetarian, and sometimes, a Catholic school girl. Life is good...

I guess I wouldn't be blogging if everything was good. See, here's the deal. Sometimes, I need a pencil, detergent, some Wheaties, a bike chain, the new Economist magazine, two staples, tires for the truck, and a wireless router. Back in the old days, I would set out for the one-stop shopping paradise: Wal*Mart. I love me some Wal*Mart. Everything I ever wanted and didn't know it. Awesome.

However, apparently, my new girl is a NonWal*Martitarian. Just my luck. So now I sacrifice. Sometimes I have to go to two, three, or even four different stores to shop. It's tough, but these are the tradeoffs I have to make.

The Friendly Atheist... publishes a book!

2007-04-15T13:25:00.000-04:00

I Sold My Soul on eBay, written by Hemant Mehta of Friendlyatheist.com, will be available April 17th, 2007. Hemant is fabulous; I had the chance to hear him speak briefly as well as talk to him in more depth at meals at the recent American Atheists convention in Seattle. I’ve preordered his book on Amazon.com and hope to provide more informed recommendation (of the book, rather than just of Hemant) once I’ve had a chance to read it.

Abstinence education doesn't work, US report shows (again)

2007-04-15T13:06:00.000-04:00

Abstinence-only education programs meant to teach children to avoid sex until marriage failed to control their sexual behavior, according to a U.S. government report.

Teenagers who took part in the programs as elementary and middle school students were just as likely to have sex as those who did not take part in them, the survey found.

- by Maggie Fox

Writing Returns, Writing Privileges, & Rational Signs

2007-04-11T00:37:00.000-04:00

After attending American Atheists’ convention in Seattle last weekend, I have approximately 43.83 new topics to blog about. So, I’m officially back. While life hasn’t really calmed down since my post about overflowing cups and the like, I miss writing. I’ll be around mainly on weekends, as I seem to have acquired a day job in addition to my soon-to-be-sold business… but I shall be around, writing and blog-browsing, once again.

For those who haven’t noticed, I oh-so-benevolently granted my significant other posting privileges on the blog a few months back. Really, seeing as he granted me living-in-his-apartment-privileges about a year ago, blog-sharing seems only fair, eh? Posts signed by dday76 are by Jason. Posts signed by aviaa are by Amanda. Certainly, we could be logical and just use our actual names to sign posts, but where is the fun in that?

On a terribly exciting note, after a world-wind look at condos around Boston, we decided on one after discovering a Darwin fish on a car parked at the building next to ours. As Jason postulated, “a non-existent force of the rational universe was sending two atheists a purely physical sign that this was the place.” We’re heeding the sign and should be closing at the end of April and moving sometime in June.

Anyway… more soon! It’ll be great to catch up with everyone again!

What to do?

2007-04-10T23:14:00.000-04:00

"I don't want to be saved, I want to be spent," Fritz Perls.

So, today, the topic is about time management. We atheists have no delusions of an afterlife, we have a wonderful life to focus on. Is it ethical to waste our short lives? Is it ethical to waste our lives on non-developmental tasks? On the other hand, is it ethical to rabidly seek productive activity every second? What is the balance between personal development and recreation? How does our example to and our appeasement of others fit into our ethical up-rightness?

I recently read a book called Mastery by George Leonard. I would not recommend it as a whole, but it did have an excellent chapter on "Getting Energy" that focused on the importance of effective living. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People also has a lot of good advice on the matter.

One thing I would suggest as a minimum standard is to do an activities audit and budget. Financial planners often suggest cataloging everything we spend money on. Knowing we only have a certain amount of money in the bank, we are careful to ensure we have the money we need. Time is a commodity as well, and for many of us, it is a commodity more scarce than money.

Do you spend 4 or 5 or 20 hours a week watching TV? How about sleep? How about the 12 blogs you like reading? Then start to think about all the things you've been meaning to do and how nice it would be to finally get to do them. As much as you might enjoy "Idol," how much would you rather lose 10 or 20lbs by walking during that time? These trade-offs can be very exciting. Cut off the most frivolous 10% or so and expand the most fulfilling 10%.

I recently had the cable turned off. Not to mention the calming effect it had on my nerves, I freed up several hours each week. That was just the first step. I feel like I'm honoring my life more and extracting even more enjoyment out of the life I have.

Jason

Abject Disappointment with my 24 Hours of Theism

2007-04-08T09:16:00.000-04:00

Dear Bible ministry of prayer people,

A few days ago, I received an envelope from you containing the following objects: a paper prayer mat, a cheerfully underlined “God’s Holy Blessing” type letter, and a page of testimonies from those who followed your instructions and received either large amounts of money or other blessings (mostly large amounts of money).

This was not, however, the first time that I have been thus selected. I received my first prayer mat and associated papers in my mailbox approximately five years ago. I was quite surprised to learn God was planning on bestowing such wonders upon an atheist. However, the lure of financial gain and other holy treasures gave me pause, and I decided to give this “believing” stuff a try, at least for the 24 hour period specified in your letter. I followed your instructions and happily awaited my rewards.

I must say I was sorely disappointed for my effort, and feel that God must not, indeed, be as interested in bestowing his glory upon me as you led me to believe. I shall outline my disappointments for you, so you may fully understand the degree of God’s failure to meet my needs. First, I must call your attention to a section of page two of your letter. It reads:

Pray for my family and me for…

( ) My Soul
( ) A Closer Walk with Jesus

etc, etc… a bunch of other stuff that, as a nontheistic sort, didn’t interest me so much… but then….

( ) Confusion In My Home

!!!!!

I was terribly excited to see that I could ask the Lord for confusion in my home, something that I’m sure everyone covets (or maybe just prays for, seeing as coveting tends to be on the no no list). However, after dutifully checking the box and sending the letter back, I find that my household situation has only gotten less confusing! With the departure of a significant other (now an ex-significant other), his mistress, and his dog almost three years ago, I find myself in a significantly less confusing and generally more peaceful household. Why would God so ignore my pleas for chaos? WHY?

As for financial gain, with the said departure of ex, I find myself with $30,000 of student loan debt. Seeing as I did not have $30,000 of student loan debt three years ago, I must only conclude that either God hates me (this would really be rather harsh, as I did return the highly valuable paper prayer mat you enclosed with your last letter), or God has trouble telling the difference between positive and negative numbers. As a math tutor, I would be happy to help with the latter, but not if I would be smote for my efforts. Just how much pride cometh before fall? Does the joy that comes from possessing a more thorough knowledge of integers than God count as undue pride?

I digress. After my fruitless attempts at following your instructions, I think it’s time to resort to new methods of persuasion. Thus, I shall hold your prayer mat hostage until God does one of the following: (a) grants me my two (just two! I’m not greedy!) wishes of financial gain and household confusion (b) publicly admits that he doesn’t exist (c) signs up for math tutoring. Under the circumstances, I feel my requests are perfectly reasonable. I shall be eagerly awaiting God’s reply.

Yours truly,

Disappointed Ohio Atheist

Ethics of Common Courtesy

2007-03-26T19:07:00.000-04:00

"They" of the traditional religions claim that they hold absolute knowledge and comprehensive ethics provided by their scriptures. All knowledge is contained in the scripture and from the scripture one can find all knowledge. Ethics are also fully contained, and all secular ethics arise directly from and can not stand without the ethics of scripture... so they say.

Now it seems to me that some extremely important points of modern ethics are totally overlooked by the ancient scriptures. Any Just God would by all means take care while collecting the basis of all ethics to make such notes as, "Be quiet" and "Quiet down, you rude SOB." Unfortunately, Ye Olde All Powerful Creator was somewhat vague.

Now, as we enter spring, and the birds chirp, and the sun warms the Earth, the motorcycles, hot rods, and sound systems come out. Rev the engine and pump up the volume, then go cruise down Main St, USA pissing off all the natives. We secular types can deduce by clear logic and empathy for our fellow beings, that it is uncivilized and downright rude to make available, purchase, or use to the detriment of others such things as mega sound systems and loud exhaust pipes.

Maybe I just have a personal vendetta against those who disturb me. That having been said, I think that we can objectively say that going to the store to find something that will be heard clearly by everyone within a 100-foot radius, and annoy the crap out of them, is unethical. It requires one to actively subordinate others for small pleasures despite the opportunity to get those pleasures in less-objectionable ways.

So there you have it, new secular ethics. We look at the world and make an assessment of right and wrong. No cheat sheets, no super-cops, no postmortem trials, just an effort to live together and make the best of the short life we have.