Eggshells and Miracle Grow

Putting the God in Godiva

2007-03-30T05:25:00.000-05:00

An artist in New York is soon to exhibit a 200 pound milk chocolate sculpture of Jesus in full on crucifixion pose, sans loin cloth (merciful heavens!). Naturally the censorious Catholic busybodies are up in arms about the sweet brown baby Jesus. (Okay, it's not a baby, but doesn't that phrase just roll?)

I think it's clever to make a larger than life candy sculpture of Jesus at Easter. It makes more sense than chocolate rabbits and eggs -- pagan fertility symbols. And don't Catholics ritually eat their God? Maybe they are offended by the guilty, pleasurable prospect of a sweet and tasty Jesus instead of a sanctified soda cracker. More people might go to mass if they got candy. Wait, bad idea, Catholic priests really shouldn't be passing out candy.

Sack Up, San Francisco

2007-03-28T12:37:00.000-05:00

San Francisco is soon to become the first US city to ban plastic shopping bags. You know, like the ones you get at the grocery store. This has been done in Africa to combat litter, and in Europe for environmental reasons. Somehow I don't see Americans altering their lives to account for carrying dozens of canvas tote bags to the proverbial Piggly Wiggly when they shop. No, Americans will just have the store bag their junk food in paper bags, which are many times as detrimental to the environment as plastic ones. The 450,000 gallons of oil per year SFO saves by banning plastic bags will be a mere fraction of the energy requirements for producing all the paper bags that people will switch back to. And notice how they use "gallons" rather than the proper unit, barrels. Sounds much more impressive than saying 10,714 barrels of oil. Just for referrence, the US produces 5,750,000 barrels or 241,500,000 gallons per day.

Now, I'm not opposed to carrying your canvas tote bag to the grocery store if you're feeling extra green and crunchy. Good for you. (And bravo on buying that hybrid Lexus that gets less MPG than a diesel VW!) But think about the amount of food the typical American grocery cart holds and how many bags it takes to sack it all up. Are you really going to go out and buy a dozen or more tote bags and remember to keep them in your SUV? No, being a lazy consumer you will just make the store use paper -- like all the old ladies do already. Old ladies know paper bags are better for emptying the litter box. Why do old ladies hate the environment?

The other burning question: Without plastic sacks, what will San Franciscans use to pick up dog shit?

But wait, they won't have to get a new bag!

The new rules would, however, allow recyclable plastic bags, which are not widely used today.

Ta-Da! This has been another episode of "Hollow, Pandering Gesture."

Tickle Me Jesus

2006-11-14T14:53:00.000-06:00

Toys for Tots has recently refused a donation of 4,000 talking Jesus dolls. What do you want to be that the company was trying to offload inventory that nobody wanted and take the charge to help their books? I wonder if the "Christian" capitalists at Beverly Hills Teddy Bear Company have their toys manufactured by slaves in China? Because ya know, that's what CEO Jesus would do.

But Does the Great Satan Wear Prada?

2006-07-10T00:18:00.000-05:00

This is the kind of farcical thing that you just can't make up. Hopefully Jon Stewart will pick up where the BBC left off and tell the world more about designer burqas.

It really would be the ultimate in logowear. After all, the wearer is just an advertising medium to be covered in trademarks.

Dante 2.0

2006-06-18T10:53:00.000-05:00

I think it's time that somebody revise the various circles of hell that Dante devised to include advances in offensive behavior and torture. My submission for consideration is very straightforward, there needs to be a movie theater in hell.

Who will be confined to this theater? Anybody who fails to turn off his phone. Anybody who takes his phone out and blinds people with the super nova glow of its display. Any parent who takes a child to a movie that starts after 10:00 PM. Anybody who utters one word after the previews are over that is not whispered directly into the ear of his companion, ie someone who thinks he's sitting at home on the couch instead of in public. Plastic candy wrapper rustlers, people who try to suck the last tiny drop of soda from their straw, and cows that chew with their mouths open will also be included.

What will their torture be? They will be confined to their seats while Howard the Duck plays on an endless loop. Evil demon critters with foot-long razor sharp claws will kick the backs of their seats and then slash through them lacerating their backs. Phones will ring constantly, babies will cry, and the lights will cut on and off randomly. They will endure one year for every offence.

That is all.

Squeaky Wheel

2006-06-18T10:36:00.000-05:00

Some of you have accused me of being a service Nazi when it comes to what I expect out of the service "industry" and I suppose that it's true to some extent. But really I feel like I have quite low expectations in that I desire merely competency. Sadly mere competency seems to be a rare and unexpected treat rather than the norm. Lately I've had a string of less than stellar experience and have forgone the usual silent suffering and mental blacklisting that has been my custom. In short, I've become a constructively complaining bitch.

It's actually working out pretty well, all I have to do is hunt down the feedback option on the company website and submit the pertinent facts about how I have been grievously wronged and very often someone gets back to me and wants to send me free stuff. I can be bribed.

Dept. of Homosexual Critters

2006-06-07T17:59:00.000-05:00

Great article on gay critters, straight critters, sexual selection and evolution.

Science Project

2006-06-06T18:47:00.000-05:00

What happens when you combine 500 Mentos with 200 liters of Diet Coke? See for yourself. It's sort of like Liberace with high fructose corn syrup. And while I don't think it would pass muster for XenopusLady's class, it's still pretty cool.

If You Don't Like Your Job...

2006-05-31T11:40:00.000-05:00

You need to find a gay guy to work for. So says this new research that indicates that gay men make fantastic bosses and have subordinates with significantly higher morale. So, if it sucks to be you, get out your Avenue Q CD and play "If You Were Gay" in your cubicle while clicking your heels together and repeating, "Please God, make my boss gay so he won't be such a shmuck."

SEXagenerians

2006-05-27T10:29:00.000-05:00

File under "Adult Living," see also "Active Seniors," "Hold Me, Touch Me," "Max Bialystock."

There's an epidemic of STDs at a retirement community in Florida.

A gynecologist at The Villages community near Orlando, Fla., said she treats more cases of herpes and the human papilloma virus in the retirement community than she did in the city of Miami.

Holy clap, Batman! That is bad.

Now everybody, call your grandparents and make sure they've got condoms on hand for their last thrills on the way to the cemetery. You don't want to find yourself answering the question, "How did it happen?" by saying, "She didn't tell her cardiologist she was on Valtrex and the medications reacted badly."

Arsenic and Old Lace

2006-05-24T00:39:00.000-05:00

Two old ladies and a couple of homeless stiffs in California.

Dept. of Homosexual Critters

2006-05-23T10:53:00.000-05:00

This time it's storks in The Netherlands.

Reception To Follow Featuring ABBA

2006-05-23T09:57:00.000-05:00

Well, I suppose if you must have schlock at your wedding.... Nicole Kidman will have Bette Midler sing at her wedding. It's not that it won't be tacky, just less tacky than what most people have. Maybe she'll sing The Rose too.

Dudley "I do" Right

2006-05-22T11:43:00.000-05:00

Awwwwww. Those are gonna be some sharp looking wedding pictures.

Too Darn Hot

2006-05-19T22:05:00.000-05:00

I saw the trailer for the upcoming Al Gore movie tonight. I know I could have probably seen it online but I'm just lazy that way. It'll make your panties wet. The man is seriously going to be a total rock star as this thing rolls out over the ENTIRE summer.

And not to get too far off topic but we all need to hurry and haul ourselves to Tanzania before all the snow disappears from Kilimanjaro. We have less than a decade, so let's get with it people. If Martha Stewart can drag her carcass up the trail so can you -- or we could take a helicopter. I open to options.

I Wonder if They Have a Totem Pole

2006-05-18T20:06:00.000-05:00

Bad headline writer! Bad! Back in the yard!

And if you're don't understand why it's funny, spare yourself the google-trauma and go on about your sheltered and chaste life.

What Not To Name Your Child Part II

2006-05-18T10:30:00.000-05:00

Heaven help us, Nevaeh? Oh. My. God. That is just horrible. Since the article is NYT and will inevitably disappear behind their stupid curtain of avarice, I shall quote extensively.

In 1999, there were only eight newborn American girls named Nevaeh. Last year, it was the 70th-most-popular name for baby girls, ahead of Sara, Vanessa and Amanda.

The spectacular rise of Nevaeh (commonly pronounced nah-VAY-uh) has little precedent, name experts say. They watched it break into the top 1,000 of girls' names in 2001 at No. 266, the third-highest debut ever. Four years later it cracked the top 100 with 4,457 newborn Nevaehs, having made the fastest climb among all names in more than a century, the entire period for which the Social Security Administration has such records.

Nevaeh is Heaven spelled backward.

The name has hit a cultural nerve with its religious overtones, creative twist and fashionable final "ah" sound. It has risen most quickly among blacks but is also popular with evangelical Christians, who have helped propel other religious names like Grace (ranked 14th) up the charts, experts say. By contrast, the name Heaven is ranked 245th.

The surge of Nevaeh can be traced to a single event: the appearance of a Christian rock star, Sonny Sandoval of P.O.D., on MTV in 2000 with his baby daughter, Nevaeh. "Heaven spelled backwards," he said.

Among the many inspired by Mr. Sandoval's appearance was Jade San Luis, who named his first daughter Nevaeh two years later. "It felt original," said Mr. San Luis, 26, of Cerritos, Calif. "Now, not anymore."

Yeah, not anymore you twit. And people give poor Gwenyth Paltrow crap for naming her kid Apple. At least she picked a real word. And really, when your name is Gwenyth you know what life is like with an uncommon name. Hey, her mother's name is Blythe (and she's FAB-U-LOUS) so maybe they're just one of those families. Maybe little Apple will break the tragic cycle of intergenerational nominative revenge.

Making up a cutesy name or "unique" (read illiterate) spelling, eg Mekayla, is mental child abuse of the worst kind -- and largely misogynistic. Why not just name the kid Anagram or Palindrome -- or make the poor kid's name one if you're really hell bent on being weird about it. Why don't people ever use names like these anymore? It's hard to imagine finding another Polyhymnia or Euterpe at the Montessori school if unique is what you're going for. And I'm sure You-twerpy would eventually forgive her parents for the taunting she endured at recess and thank them for not naming her something utterly ridiculous -- like Sara.

God Forbid You Get It OTC

2006-05-18T10:11:00.000-05:00

What a lazy piece of shit article this is. The only useful information it imparts (indirectly at that) is that the battle to pharmaceuticalize vitamins is alive and well. FDA is a captive agency that is a pathetic joke and which can't be trusted to provide accurate scientific data to consumers. If I'm concerned about taking too much of a vitamin I'll check in with the EU regulators or the Canadians thank you very much.

The Great Subway in the Sky

2006-05-18T10:06:00.000-05:00

Oh, please, please, please let this happen.

"I'm so glad I'm a Beta"

2006-05-15T17:22:00.000-05:00

This needs to be illegal.

What Not To Name Your Child

2006-05-13T11:01:00.000-05:00

The annual list of most common names is out:

The top 10 for girls in 2005: Emily, Emma, Madison, Abigail, Olivia, Isabella, Hannah, Samantha, Ava and Ashley.

For boys: Jacob, Michael, Joshua, Matthew, Ethan, Andrew, Daniel, Anthony, Christopher and Joseph.

I know a couple of fairly recent Ethans, it's not a bad name but it always makes me think of furniture. The boys tend to be safer bets than the girls. Madison is, like, so totally overused and has been since about 1990. I rather like Isabella and Ava. I'm surprised that such an old fashioned name as Abigail is common now. Can Ethel and Edith make a comeback?

And what do these names really say?

Emily: I'm nobody, who are you?
Emma: My mother reads period romances
Madison: Pretentious yet midwestern
Abigail: Parents want Abbey but feel compelled to have a formal backup
Olivia: Parents captivated by fictional pig or Greese soundtrack
Isabella: Ethnic aspiring to moneyed class
Hannah: WWJD? Related to many, many Rachels
Samantha: see Abigail, less classy
Ava: Vicarious dreams of Hollywood
Ashley: Daughter of Tiffany, Heather, or Jennifer (if daughter of Tiffani, may be spelled Ashlee, etc.)

Jacob: Jake, see Abigail
Michael: Vanilla is the desired flavor
Joshua: Josh, see Abigail, WWJD? overtones
Matthew: Attends church twice yearly
Ethan: First use of name in family, parents desperate for something "fresh" but safe
Andrew: Middle class WASP
Daniel: Blue collar
Anthony: see Isabella
Christopher: see Andrew
Joseph: Jose, who are you kidding?

I still say it's much more fun to name a dog. So many more socially acceptable choices.

Turn Left at Next Election

2006-05-12T21:01:00.000-05:00

Bumper sticker seen affixed to a gas pump today:

Of course it hurts, you're being screwed by an elephant

Now, kids, vandalism's not funny -- except when it is.

The Bad Parent Channel

2006-05-11T18:06:00.000-05:00

BabyFirst TV -- $9.99 a month for unlimited babysitting. Illiteracy and ADHD included at no additional charge.

Rechter said BabyFirstTV is not claiming that its programs designed for viewers from 6 months to 3 years old will make babies smarter. "But having babies and parents interact helps children's development, and we give them that opportunity," she said.

Because you know, sitting down to read a book with the child is just too much trouble.

Sober Monkeys

2006-05-11T17:28:00.000-05:00

Well, presumably sober. A new genus -- not just species -- of monkey has been described after its discovery last year. (Remember boys and girls, things are undiscovered until an English-speaking white person encounters them.) They have mohawks. Punk monkeys, how cool is that?

But Do They See Pink Elephants?

2006-05-11T14:03:00.000-05:00

Okay, how do you get assigned to work in this lab? You know that's what every lab monkey must wonder, will it be the basement lab working on HIV or the lab where the experiments consist mainly of DRUNK MONKEYS! I'll say it again, DRUNK MONKEYS! Nevermind the question of whether this is the best use for such scientific resources, did anyone expect DRUNK MONKEYS to be any different from drunk homo sapiens? Is this for some new science parody show on Comedy Central?

Who sits around the lab thinking, "Gee, I really need a unique topic so I can get published. I know, nobody's really looked into the problem of DRUNK MONKEYS before! My grant funding is secure!"

It's like something out of a Clint Eastwood comedy. I wonder if they videotaped the experiments. What about alcohol consumption of monkeys in the wild versus those in the lab? This groundbreaking research on DRUNK MONKEYS could go on for years and lead to (I'm sure) unimaginable benefits for both monkeys and humans.

I think the worst part is that they were feeding the poor monkeys vile hooch laced with artificial sweetener -- not even a proper cocktail for their noble service to mankind. That is just inhumane treatment.