Am I Thinking That?

very unstimulating day

2009-08-11T20:03:00.003-04:00

Just got home from work and whew..., its been a long day. Today some kind of stimulus package for parents on food stamps who had children in school. Those parents got $200 a per child. I had one lady who claims she got $1000 for her kids.

When I was a kid food stamps were given out as paper money, today its done on whats called and EBT card. The cash was given to the parents on those EBT cards, and an unforeseen side-effect occurred because of this.

People with those benefit cards came to my job with one mission... to get that money off of those cards (do you see where i'm going with this???). A a customer with these cards can go to our ATM's with there cards, because they accept QWEST, and those benefit cards are QWEST cards. The only problem is that over 70% of these people had cards that had damaged magnetic strips, so they couldn't swipe them in our ATM's. So they did the next best thing. They went through our lines and bought an item (gum, candy bar, etc.), and got $50 over off there card. This however wasn't just being done at our store. This was being done at every Store in the greater Rochester area, and in turn our EFT (Electronic funds transfer) machines went offline. While this happening I was helping a customer who was trying to get her fifty dollars. I had to hand type her number in. When I did my register told me that I was offline and I couldn't complete the transaction. Funny thing though, the damn register DID process the transaction, and took $50.54 from her account. I had to call to get some help from our corporate office. Had to fill out some form and call and give them the info. It took almost an hour to get a person, and 10 minutes to finish giving them the info.

When I was finished I got a call from the assistant office manager telling me not to process anymore cash transactions from EBT cards because we were nearly depleted of money. People were coming in just for the money stimulus money.

My co-worker and I think that the whole idea of this stimulus package for school students was pointless. The parents aren't going to spend the money on there children. Lets be real here, yes some of them will, but not all of them. I had one lady buy a pack of cigarettes with her money. Someone bought a case of beer. Its very very frustrating. Governor Patterson had good intentions, but people are going to take advantage of it.

First time ever i'd be happy....

2009-07-20T21:04:00.005-04:00

Tomorrow the Watchmen movie will go on sale, and I was thinking about Wal-Mart's policy regarding explicit material. Back when I used to like rap, I hated this policy, because the prices on music were cheap, but the bleeps or clean alternatives were annoying.

I remember when I went to see the Watchmen, and I thought it was a pretty good movie say one exception. I didn't want to see Dr. Manhattan's "assets". Not only did the thought of seeing it gross me out, but at the same time kind of made me jealous (LMAO). Seriously though No one wants to see that. For the first time ever I think i'd be happy if something I want is edited.

I'm not the only one either! I remember after the movie, I went and sat at the busstop and this guy, that also saw the movie in the same theater as me tried to start a conversation with me. He kept saying he liked the movie, but he didn't want to see Dr. Manhattans "privacies". I totally agreed with him, but he kept saying it over and over again. When he finally realized that I was either traumatized or indiffrent toward him (the latter), he called someone on his phone and started telling them over and over. It got to the point where I thought he was either jealous of how well endowed that CGI character was or he was homophobic. The fact that he was talking really loud gave it away.

So when I get the chance i'm happily going to Wal-Mart to check and see if there is an edited version, and happily buy it if there is.

"No Blue Pipe, No Blue Pipe."

->Old<- people can be blunt!

2009-06-04T16:29:00.002-04:00

LOL

I was at work this week and I was cashing a customers Social Security check, and she asked me how long i've been working at my job. So I tell her, "Eleven years, Since '98". The she goes on to say, "I figured as much, because when I first saw you, you hadn't lost your hair." So now because of another older person, I now want to either get hair restoration or a tupee. Or find a way to go completely bald. LMAO

The other customer, well I put on some weight over the years, and he noticed and called me fat.

Someday (Soon I hope)

2009-05-06T08:44:00.002-04:00

You came to my job... it made me so happy...
Looking so beautiful in that white dress. We sat down on a bench outside and held hands. It felt so nice and so right. Never had this feeling before. This closeness, it felt so right and so nice. When I looked into your eyes I knew I just wanted to stay there forever. We cuddled and something felt wrong, like I was being pulled away. I didn't want to go, but I had no choice. It felt so real that day, and now I can't let go. I woke up from that dream and hurt a little, but at least it was a happy one. Someday I hope it just seems like a dream...

Love... the Miracle

Rule #4 Accept that there are things you can't control

2009-04-18T12:48:00.004-04:00

Ever since the testicular cancer my eyes have been open to some things that over the years I've refused to accept, because I thought I was above them.

I thought I could continue to eat and drink all of my favorite junk foods without any repercussions.

I thought that i'd never get a serious illness or disorder of any kind.

I thought I could survive without letting others in.

I thought I'd never have to go see a doctor about anything.

Its funny, it when I went to see the movie "Knowing" with Nicholas Cage it was the catalyst that made me realize that I had about as much control over the growth in my right testicle, as I do with my involuntary bodily functions. Heck, there are times where I can barely put one foot in front of the other without tripping over them. At the end of that film it made me realize that everyone will die. My time can come a years from now, days from now, or even while i'm typing this post. When it happens I won't have no control of it. I may not even have time to accept it, so I guess I have to learn to accept that it will eventually come. I have to accept that there are some things I just can't control.

Sure we find ways to cope, like eating too much. Escaping the world by listening to music real loud. I once read an article about domestic violence that said that abusive men hit there women, because they have no control over there lives. I watched a man do this to my mom when I was a child and I couldn't do nothing to stop it, and in some sense even though it has stopped for nearly 15 years, I'm still paying for his mistakes. Its hard for me to let a woman into my life. I want to fall in love, its just sometimes i'm afraid that I will end up like him and abuse the love of my life. I wouldn't want to do that, I wouldn't want to be that. I would kill myself before I let it happen, but whose to say that I would even have control of it. I constantly have to remind myself that i'm not him and that I wasn't responsible for his actions. It wasn't my fault that he hit my mom and I couldn't protect her because I was only a child. I have to accept that I couldn't control there decisions. Her decision to stay with him, and his for beating on her.

Now if I can only eat those grapes instead of that cake.

I'm alright for the most part!

2009-03-14T09:21:00.003-04:00

I just wanted to post and say that i'm fine!

I made it through the chemotherapy in one piece. I had a few side-effects. Most of it was indigestion. It felt like gas was going to burst out of my mouth. Then there was the toxic feeling. I mean I felt like a toxic waste dump. Only way I can explain it. Sometimes I would (still do) wake up with this weird taste in my mouth. I also had some nausea, and I would have threw up once...well at least I would have, if i had food in my stomach. I did go through the motion of throwing up, but I hadn't ate anything the night before. When I did eat I could only eat a little. Couldn't stomach more that bite fulls at a time. Funny thing was that I was really hungry. Then there was the lack of sleep. The first night I wasn't going to sleep because of these five blue pills that were given to me. Some kind of stimulant that could possibly have me bouncing off of the walls. Instead they kept me up all night. Didn't get any sleep for three days. I cried cause I was so tired and so weak. The fourth day after my chemo treatment, I called into work, because I was so tired, and because that was the day I puked up nothing. And this folks was from one dose of chemo. One potent dose yes, but one dose!

I remember one day I started out trying to walk to work and I made it to a bus stop as a bus was coming and I decided to catch it, because I felt winded. Then when walked to work from a bus stop that was maybe 1000 feet from my job I got winded again. When I walked inside I was so tired. I walked up to the service desk to say hi, and I ended up plopping my head on the counter top. I think my manager and her assistant both thought I walked to work from home, but I didn't at all that week.

As for the testicular cancer its gone, well at least thats what half of the test says (LOL). When my oncologist had a AFP test taken, he found that I had tested positive for both types of testicular cancer (Seminoma and Non-Seminoma). The tumor that was removed was seminoma. Yet after the surgery and these last few months, i've still been testing positive for the Non-Seminoma type. They don't know why I have that tumor marker in my blood, because I don't have any other tumors in my body from the looks of the Cat Scans and X-rays. I guess all they know is that its rare, and that my oncologist only have two patients with this condition. The doctor at Urology office told me that he only see one patient a year with this reading. I guess I was the one patient last year (LOL). My Urologists said that for whatever reason having that blood marker is normal for me.

I guess i'm fine for the most part. I won't lie. I'm a pretty much down right now. I bought Resident Evil Five for my Playstation 3, and I don't even feel like playing it. Heck the only thing I really feel like doing at all is playing club pogo, and chilling with my family. I missed out on alot, didn't see my cousins grow into young men and women. I Kind of regret that. I wish I could make up to them, especially since they gave me support during my bout with testicular cancer.

I'm sorry

2009-02-04T16:43:00.005-05:00

Let me just say first that I'm sorry that I haven't posted and update in awhile. Its not that anything bad has happened to me, its just that I haven't felt like blogging. Not when I have to make an huge effort at it. Heck, I haven't even felt like watching TV, and I only saw tiny bits and pieces of the Super Bowl, so you know that something is wrong with me. Well I'm feeling down. Not depressed mind you, just feeling down. Some days where I want to just disappear and then there some days where I want to just cry.

Not just because of the surgery, but because of what it made me realize. I'm not as invincible as I may have perceived. You know how people think. They think they are on top of the world and there $h!t don't stink. Well I lost some of that years ago, but after the surgery I feel even more vulnerable. I used to think I was very healthy. Before the cancer, the most serious illness I had was the chicken pox at the age of 18. Now here I am wondering if the cancer will come back again. Alas I am but a mere mortal!!! Sucks...

Secondly I don't have to get radiation, but I DO have to get one 1 hour dose of chemo (carboplatin), on Friday February 6th. Let me emphasize that its only one dose, and its not that I need to (well I NEED TO personally), its that I want to, because it decreases the chances of cancer returning in any shape or form. Sure there are side-effects, and sure the treatment is worse than the disease, but in the long run my life is more important to me than temporary side-effects. Although the thought of having my blood count diminished is a little disturbing. Then theres that possibility of not having any children...um Yeah....

I decided not to bank any sperm though. I'm going to be blunt when I say this, but I wouldn't feel comfortable masterbating, especially in a public place where you are encouraged to do so with books... It would make me feel so uneasy. So I will just pray for a miracle. I can always adopt someday I guess. I'm sure there are alot of children out there who need parents, but still there is still that selfishness of wanting ones own. Which is why I don't understand how this one customer I had last year was talking down about how he wish he never had kids, because he have to pay child support. it really pissed me off. Then a month or so into my return to work I see him again, and he's complaining on a phone to someone because he can't go out with some woman, because she has kids and she can't find a babysitter. I heard him say, that she shouldn't have had kids. I had this pain in my abdomen that I get when I get stressed. But I wasn't stressed, I was extremely demoralized. I just don't understand how people who don't want kids can have them, and people like me who want kids and are about to go through or have gone through a painful, sorrowful procedure, that will possibly end our hopes of fathering children. I just don't understand that. Its just not fair. This is why I don't feel like blogging anymore. I'm sorry, I just need a break.

The "C" Word

2009-01-08T00:41:00.002-05:00

I guess this is an update. I don't even know if i'm going to actually write a post to be honest. My mind hasn't really been into blogging lately. The only thing other than Pogo that has been occupying me is my bout with cancer. Yes the saga continues. I finally got the call from my doctor yesterday, after two and a half of weeks of waiting for him. I was supposed to only wait one and a half of a week. It's pretty annoying waiting like that. There was a lot of "what if's" stomping my brain waiting for the results, and when I finally got the results, I found out that waiting is the exact thing i'm going to have to continue doing.

Last week the doctors secretary called me and told me that I had to give them some more blood, because he forgot one test. So I had to go in last week and "donate". I hate needles!

This week I have to give some more blood. Friday I have to hope and pray that when I give up some more blood, the test show that the cancer in my blood has diminished. Because as of right now, there hasn't been any change. That's right folks, it hasn't gone up, and it hasn't gone down.

Sort of like my life!

Well at least i'm back at work. I have even been doing some walking. I walked a few times to or from work, but I have only walked to and from work once. It's not that I can't, because I think I can. It's just that my family doesn't want me to push it, even though the recovery time from the surgery is just two weeks. It's been nearly two whole months now. I feel fine, with the exception of some pain in a lymph node (which is slowly subsiding). I back at work tossing the bags with the plastic bags 30 feet in the air again, over that wall. I'm lifting those heavy plastic bags with the cans, out of the bins as well. So I definitely think I'm fine. My only problem is that test. Thats all bothers me.

I could tell you how all of these stupid cancer commercials are playing with my mind. You know like the one where they stick the camera down that person's lungs and show they have lung cancer and how most of the time when they catch it, it's already too late. There there's this commercial where this person imagines a doctor come in the room and tells him he has lung cancer, and then comes in and tells him he has heart disease, and a few other potentially fatal illnesses. I could also tell you how I saw this tickets.com com receipt in my till this afternoon for a ticket that was sold for a concert for this person to see a band called, "As I Lay Dying". I can tell you how all of those are affecting my Psyche right now, but I won't though. I will only say that when I got a booklet for choosing my health care proxy, it said on the front cover that this its for helping me til the end of my life. Can't tell you how much I cried when I saw that one.

Sometimes I just wonder if there IS a evil demon planting these things around me, just to break me. To make me give in and just accept my fate. I won't though! as long as theres a breath in me, I won't give up. I will go to every appointment I have, I will let them prick me with one thousand needles if need be. If I have to go through another surgery fine. Heck I will even go through chemotherapy HEAD HELD UP HIGH! But there is one thing I refuse to do, and thats kneel! Thats why I am walking to work, thats why I was pushing myself to get out of bed and sit in the living room with my dad the same day I had the surgery, and that is why i'm tossing those bags around. Its because I don't want to go easy on myself. I don't want to give in, not even a little.

I just had to vent, a little I know this may push some you away, because you don't know what to say. I understand though, I did the same thing. Even so I feel much better getting this off of my chest.

A real quick thought

2008-12-24T11:31:00.002-05:00

I was reading the scrolling news on Good Morning America this morning and I saw that they plan on using the same bible that was used to swear Abraham Lincoln into his presidency. It occurred to me then that although Abraham Lincoln did do good by freeing the slaves, he was also assassinated.

Aren't we just tempting fate here a little. Obama is the first black President in the history of the United States, and like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. he is making history. It just seem like a bad omen. Is it me or does anyone else feel the same way???

More Good News

2008-12-20T10:29:00.003-05:00

Well kind of, I won't be sure for another two weeks, and even then there's a catch if the news becomes bad.

Well the semi-good news is that the specialist I saw told me that he didn't think that I needed radiation therapy. He said he thinks the reason my lymph node in my abdomen (actually in groin), is because of a sore in on my right leg. he asked to look at my leg and told him about my bad ankle. He then said that it could be the cause. Then he went to explain to me the type of testicular cancer I had. He told me that there are two types of testicular cancer; seminoma, and nonseminoma. He said my case was strange, because I had seminoma, but it my blood markers were reading as nonseminoma. Weird, and I guess that is why he doesn't want to rule out the possibility of my possible bad news.

The bad news is, that I may have to get chemotherapy instead of radiation treatment if the cancer levels in my blood haven't gone down or gone away. If they remain the same, or if they increase, then I will have to have chemotherapy. I'm hoping for good news. It's giving me the chills thinking about going through chemotherapy. I know even less about that, compared to radiation therapy, but I do know it makes you sick and weak, and I really would like to avoid that possibility. So I have to play the waiting game again and wait for the doctor to come back from his vacation. In January I also have to get a chest x-ray done before I go and see him. Not to mention the one I have to have done February for the urologists that performed my orchiectomy.

Even though all this is happening to me right now, I can say happily that I am in good spirits. My brother is home and that's a plus. Even when he won't be here I'll still be happy. Life is short, and we don't know how much time we have on Earth with our families. Might as well live while you can, and I think I am going to do that now.

I'm so happy...

2008-12-16T23:11:00.002-05:00

My brother is coming home for Christmas. Yipeeeee! He's gonna be here for a whole two weeks, so I hope we can make some time to do some things (my body willing). I've missed him so much, ever since he left I was kind of down. I didn't get to go and see him when my family went to see his graduation from basic training. I'm going to give him a bear hug, and I don't care if i'm not totally healed yet. I remember how I said how the beginning of this year was the best i've had in a long time, and then things like upsetting my bro started changing my opinion about this year. Then I get with cancer and such, but my little brother is coming home albeit for two weeks, so these two weeks will be the happiest of this year, and that's good in itself.

I'm sure that he'll be by my side when I get my radiation treatments. It would take a natural/unnatural disaster of some kind to keep my bro from supporting me. Even if I said no, he'd still come and support me. That's the kind of brother I have, and I love him for that. I wonder if him and I could get some video game time in for old time sakes (LOL).

I'm so happy because i'm back at work. I'm not at 100% and i'm not sure if my body will ever be the same again, but i'm sure happy to actually be doing something other than sitting at home playing video games (contradicting the previous paragraph I know I know but its with my bro), or watching t.v., or staring at the walls. I missed some of my co-workers, I missed some of my regular customers, heck I missed the smell of baking bread on Sunday mornings. I may not be up to specs yet, but some of the smiles I received yesterday and today gave me the strength to carry on as if I were. I just hope I won't get too weak that I won't have to miss anymore time away from work.

Ever since that nurse tried to draw some blood from my left arm and failed causing a bruise, i've been trying to drink more and more water. Another nurse said that it helps widen the veins. Didn't know that so i've been drinking me some water.

You know I know this radiation stuff is serious and all, but I've been thinking a lot about what will happen when they make me "glow" um down there.... Will I lose my hair. I mean I don't mind losing my hair on my head, because i'm already going bald. I just don't want to lose my manly hair, man. Me Charles beast (beating hands against chest like gorilla). Am I thinking that??? Seriously though I really did think about that a lot. What i'm really hoping for is some super powers. Like a Radio Active spider biting me giving me super-strength proportionate to the strength of a spider, the ability to crawl on walls, and a sixth sense that warns me of impending danger, and lets not forget the ability to spin silk webs, as long as it comes out of my arms and not out of my butt!

It was...

2008-12-05T09:57:00.013-05:00

I'm just going to say it. It was Testicular Cancer. After I talked with the doctor on Monday November 24th, he didn't pull no punches and was straight forward with me. On the day of the his examination, he told me that from his experience, he had a feeling it was, and that I was going to have to get my right testicle removed. I was so scared that I faded into my own little world and stopped hearing what the doctor said, just like on TV. When I finally came back to reality, I heard him say that there is over a 90% cure rate for this type of cancer. When he left the room I talked a little to my dad. I cried a little too. I was upset because I wanted to be a father someday. My dad reassured me that everything will be fine because I still have the one on the left. I was just emotional and too irrational to think. I guess it was because I was scared.

This was serious! It is the most challenging experience in my life to date. I didn't exactly grasp the seriousness of my situation, until my doctor told me that he was going to perform my surgery within three days. They had to make emergency appointments so I could get blood-work (still have bruises), and CT scans (both on November 25th) on my abdomen pelvis and Thorax (I guess). That CT scan was an adventure in itself. I had to drink two large cups of contrast with fruit punch in it. I could have drunk less, but it would have required me too have the contrast shot into my behind (no way no how). I had to save a little bit of the second cup until I went to the room with the CT scanner. There I drank it and then they put an IV with the contrast into my arm. The nurse told me that I would feel a warm sensation, but she didn't tell me that the IV contrast would give me a sudden urge to go. There I was lying on the table holding my breath when the machine told me to and holding my urine in at the same time trying not to give in to either. As soon as I was done the nurse tried explaining something to me, but I told her I had to GO NOW, and darted for the restroom.

November 26th was the day of my orchiectomy surgery. I really had no time to accept that I was going to lose my testicle or remind myself that I once said I would rather die than have surgery. I just willed myself out of bed and just chalked it up as something that had to be done. I had to be at the hospital at 9am, but my surgery wasn't until around 1pm. When I got there I was taken to a room, where I had to take all of my clothes off and put on a gown and footsies. Then I had an IV put into the back of my left hand, and eventually rolled to a pre-surgery wing. My dad and I sat there for over two hours, but my dad had someone to talk to. There was a nurse there who liked golf as much as my dad did, so they passed the time nicely. When the doctor finally came he asked me what kind of music I liked. I told him Amel Larriuex and he said he never heard of her. He then went on to tell me about some jazz legends and eventually asked if I had any questions. I asked him if they were removing my right testicle why did he have to remove it from the right, just below my waist. The doctor told me that the reason for removing it from that area rather than the scrotum is, because I guess there are lymph nodes in that area and they wanted to check to see if they were infected as well. After the doctor explained it he said he'd see me soon (LOL I didn't see him). I met the anesthesiologists who had me sign a consent form and explained some side-effects of anesthesia. Afterwards they we started heading towards the operating room. Just after we left the pre-surgery room they let me hug my dad and some of my family that were with me before I had to go to the operating room. About half way to the operating room the anesthesiologists said, "I noticed you are very tense, so I am going to give you something through your IV to calm you down a little". He did then we continued on. We got to and intersection where there was a room on the left. They rolled me to the right of and then started backing me up towards what was probably the operating room. I don't know, because as soon as they started rolling me backwards I blacked out!

As soon as I blacked out, I woke back up. At least that was how it seemed to me. I awoke in the post-surgical area. I was a little groggy so whoever it was that tried to wake me up left and came back 20 minutes later, and rolled me over towards the door I would eventually be leaving through. Someone (don't remember) asked me if I was feeling alright. I said I was okay but I was in some pain. She gave me two vicodin pills and some apple juice to swallow it with. A couple of hours later she asked me if I think I was ready to go. I said yeah, and she sent someone to get my dad for me. Then this guy named Terry came and helped me get dressed. He did most of the work for me, because honestly it hurt to move anything. Terry then helped me into a wheel chair and my father showed up. He asked me if I was alright told him yeah, and the nurse asked my dad if he wanted to go and get his car and park it by the front ramp of hospital. My dad agreed and left and I just had to wait for Terry to come back and roll me downstairs. Before I left though I got a parting gift. Something called a Scrotum Support. I guess it lifts and hold whats left of my scrotum to ease some of the pain. Let me just say that jock strap like contraption didn't help much alone. Before I got into my dad's car, Terry gave me a towel and told me put it in between my legs and lift a little because it helps...and it did too! Then I went on my merry little way to my dad's house and slept there for a week. Over the course of that week, I was writhing in pain and hunched over like an old man. I was alive, and I guess that's a good thing right.

Here I am on December 5th, back at home, sitting at the computer desk writing this post. I'm still in pain, but i'm feeling better for the most part. I can't walk or stand long but I can get around a little. I've been however forbidden to go upstairs unless I have to go to the bathroom. Can't go to my bedroom. Just sleeping on the couch. At least my mom saved me some Thanksgiving dinner. Boy was I looking forward to it.

December 3rd was my post-op appointment. I went there knowing that it was already cancer. The doctor was certain of it, so I didn't have to worry about getting my hopes up. No surprise as the doctor told me what I've already came to expect. I had testicular cancer, however it didn't spread to anywhere other than the right testicle. Although after the doctor told me this he told me that I have "a swollen lymph node in my abdomen". Then he proceeded to hit me with a double whammie that I DIDN'T see coming. He told me that I would have to get radiation treatment, and then he told me that it would most likely make my other remaining testicle a useless sterile shell. Hearing that I probably won't be able to have kids has hurt me more than the surgery. The doctor then gave me this pamphlet on sperm storage. I've been hit with all of this so fast that my brain is running circles around me. I've never had to make decisions like this before in my life, and I never had to expose myself this much either. I haven't yet fully grasp the situation i'm in yet, heck I still haven't come to terms with the surgery. (Screaming as loud as I can) I had to remove my right testicle! At least I have my family though. I don't think it was a coincidence that I reunited with my dad and my aunts and uncle on his side of my family. They have all been supportive of me. Especially my dad. He helped me into the house on the first day. Helped me put on that scrotum support thingy, and he helped me to the bathroom when I had to go. He also made sure I took my antibiotics when it was time too. If it weren't for my family, I guess I be in even worse shape than I am in now huh??!!!

It may be too personal, but it must be said!

2008-11-20T00:58:00.001-05:00

Last week, and this week have been pretty hard on me. I don't even know where to begin. I don't know if anyone has figured this out, but I really don't like going to doctors. I've told a number of people that I would rather die than to have surgery. Well I would like to go on the record here on my blog to recant my previous opinion on physicians. Right now I am going through something so personal and embarrassing, that it has changed many of my opinions and thoughts on life.

If you don't want to hear anything explicit stop now, because i'm about to take "personal" to a whole new level on my blog!

Last week I started feeling pain in my groin area, more specifically my testicles. The right one to be more precise. I didn't pay it much attention at first, until I the next day when it started hurting a little worse. So I got out of bed, and I (TMI) gave myself a self-examination. I noticed that my right testicle is not only larger than the left, but it's much harder than it felt before. That was last Wednesday the 12th. Thursday it wasn't feeling any better, and I decided maybe, just maybe I would call the doctor, but first I need to hear from a voice of reason to convince me, so I contacted my brother. He told me to do it just to be safe, and so Friday I did so.

I called and made an appointment. They only had one opening on Friday, but it was an hour and a half from the time I called so I couldn't make it, because I'm a bus rider. So I made my appointment for Monday.

Monday arrives, and eventually so did I. When I finally got to see a doctor, I had to undress from the waist down so she could feel and compare my testes. I think I made her mad when I told her that a previous doctor hinted at me about getting checked a couple of years back when I first started coming to that clinic. He told me about Lance Armstrong and his cancer. Like I said though it was more like a hint to me though, than a suggestion to get checked out. Anyways I don't know if I had any problems back then, but I sure do know about now. My current doctor made an appointment for me at another facility to have an ultrasound done. Its weird because I thought ultrasounds were done for only pregnant women.

Today I went to that appointment. I had some support from one of my aunts who drove me there and stayed with me until it was over. The technician that performed the ultrasound was pretty nice. First she scanned the left (normal) testis, then she scanned the right (suspect) testis. I noticed a difference in comparison. When she saw how I concerned I looked, she started talking to me. She asked me if I had ever had a song stuck in my head. I told her yes and I asked her what song was stuck in her head. She told me that a country song by a group called Zac Brown Band has this song called "Chicken Fried" out. We both laughed when she told me about how she would dance silly to the song. I guess the point of this was, I think that she was trying to distract me from monitor.

Did I mention in all of this that ever person who helped me (Nurse, doctor, technician...etc.) were woman. I felt kind of embarrassed. Like I needed to chest bump some guy or something.

After the ultrasound I was told that my physician would call me and give me my results. She called me four hours later, and said something no one really wants to hear. "Charles You have an abnormal lump". She then told me that she made an appointment to see a specialists and hung up with me. After I hung up with her I just stood there in front of some of my family members and I started crying.

So now your caught up with my life as it is. I don't have nothing to focus on, but the here and now. As it stands I'm not looking towards Thanksgiving, i'm not looking toward Christmas. Heck my life is in the moment right now. The constant pain, reminds me that I can only look as far as Monday, but at least I have my family to look with me.

I'm not posting this is for anybodies sympathy or pity. I know everyone cares, and I appreciate it and I thank you for it. The only reason i'm posting this is because there are a lot of men out there who may be in the same boat as me and not even know it. I'm posting this because every man out there should do a self-examination to make sure everything is A-OK and that they don't have any lumps in there testicles. The pain, the worrying, the sleepless nights...I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. In fact if I have an enemy I hope I'm helping them out. Hope I help everyone out.

Well off to bed. Aleeve is my new best friend!

Acceptance and Goodbye to my Original Journal

2008-10-25T20:36:00.006-04:00

October 30 is the last day that anyone can post in there AOL journal. It won't matter for me anymore. Even though AOL gave me a great way to vent how I felt, I won't be posting a "Going Away" post there. I've already accepted that my journal is just about non-existent. Which is why I took the liberty of deleting all of my posts. That way I have some sense of control the loss. Although they are gone from my Journal, they still reside in my heart and my computer until I can get a flash drive to save them on. I even save some of the pictures too. Everything from Scalzi's "grape spewing clone (LOL) to my sister's Unique fourth of July fireworks display.

It's funny, if it wasn't for blogging, I think I would have lost all of my hair because of stress. Everyone who read my post about my suspension from work in 2005 were so supportive. On some of the darkest days at work when I came home and I read my favorite blogger's posts, seem to put a sparkle in my eye. Every Weekend Assignment, every Easy Question, and every Saturday Six I participated in, gave me something fun to do when I was bored or blue. AOL journals was a fun blogging community it's a shame to see it go.

R.I.P. http://journals.aol.com/cinisoul/amithinkingthat/ March 14, 2005 - October 31, 2008

The Great Exodus 2

2008-10-10T09:14:00.005-04:00

Right now i'm in the process of saving and then deleting 300+ posts from my AOL journal. There is no point of linking it here because it will be deleted by the end of this month. Its a shame that AOL is basically giving a lot of people the boot and erasing AOL journals. A lot of people invested their time, blood, sweat, and tears into not only posting there, but also the techs that created it and making it better. How can they do that to people, welcome them in and then just let them go. I guess at least they are helping the journalers to transfer there post over to blogger. It just makes me wonder how many people will actually continue on, and how many will quit. Its kind of sad though.

What do you do???

2008-09-23T22:46:00.002-04:00

What do you do when your drained?

What do you do when you worked so much during the summer and your physically and emotional drained?

What do you do when you feel like you are so tired that you have nothing else to say, and you think that maybe its because your drained?

What do you do when your will and determination has been shaken?

What do you do when you feel you don't have it in you to blog anymore?

One less thing to worry about keeps running through my dome!

No one will miss me anyways right?

What should I DO?

Dear Bro

2008-07-29T12:34:00.002-04:00

Dear Jevon,

What's up Bro, How's it going down there? Hope they aren't whipping you into military shape too hard. Although, You'd probably like them to wear you out for the challenge though, wouldn't you? So what's it like (and I don't want, "its alright".) I want details! Like what's the earliest they woke you up, and what's the hardest thing you've done so far. You know stuff like that. Don't let it be just those two things though. I want to know about your experience overall, and how you feel about it. I saw in your letter to mom that you don't like writing much, but it occurred to me after you left I don't know much about my brother. There is more to life than just video games.

Nothing going on at home really, but there is this one tidbit I want to share with you about our nephew. A couple of weeks ago, although I was tired from work, I went downstairs to play-fight with Jalani. I hadn't seen him in awhile so I wanted to spend some time with him. Well while I was smacking him with the pillow, Jalani was trying to hit back. Eventually he got up to get off of the couch, andwhen he did, the boy nearly broke his neck. Jalani was trying <-(Key word) to put his feet down first but, somehow managed to nearly fall on his head. I tried to break his fall, but I wasn't to sure that I did. When he got up Jalani turned to look at me. When he did, I wasn't sure what he was going to do. I was concerned for him and I didn't have to be, because Jalani busted out laughing. I smiled and the next thing came to my mind is in Georgia training for the Army reserves. you were the same way, which made me scaaaaareeeed of you. (LOL)

I enclosed a picture of me, because I read the letter thyat you sent mom asking for pictures of us. Ablah said that they plan on sending you the pictures from our outing at Applebees. I'll believe it when I see it, and if they do, toss the picture Islah took of me in the trash. I think I had my eyes closed and food in my mouth. Toss that horrible, horrible picture away (LMAO)

So you can only receive five letters at a time? Is it five a day, a week, or a month? Let me know okay, because I could send a letter a day if I could (LOL). Is there a limit to how much paper you can receive too (LOL)?

I could torture you longer, but I'll spare you for now, By the way Dino asked about you. Take care Bro, hope your having fun.

Love Ya,

Charles

P.S. I won't type it, because it wouldn't be personable. I want you to know that its me, and that I care. So Sorry about the bad handwriting.

The Day I have been Dreading since last year

2008-07-07T22:26:00.002-04:00

I knew this day was coming, even if this has been the best year I've had in a long while. I got back in touch with my Dad and my Aunts, Uncle and cousins. I haven't been as angry as I have been in the previous years. I have been getting out more. Life has been looking half full, rather than half empty. So if there will be anything bad to bring my summer to a fall it will be tomorrow, because the day I have been dreading since last year will be here tomorrow.

Tomorrow my brother will be leaving for the Army Reserves. Ever since he sent me that text message last year, its been on my mind. I wanted to spend a ton of time with him like we did when we were kids playing video games, but we were both too busy working on opposing days that we would never get the chance to hang out.

Its funny our mom wanted us all to get together and take a family portrait because of my brothers departure, but it never happened. My family is notorious for doing things with out making appointments, so we got the chance to take the picture because of our schedules. To make matters worse when we all got together that day to get our picture taken they decided to go to Red Lobster for dinner. Not only didn't we get our picture taken, but Red Lobster was jammed pack that day with a hour and forty five minute wait. That didn't go according to plan either.

After the disappointment with the picture (actually lack there of), I decided I wanted to go home. After saying that I kind of made everyone upset. Okay I was kind of angry and I kind of really wanted to take that picture because my brother was leaving and I don't have any current pictures of him and I. I just wanted that day to be perfect, and it wasn't and I ended up making it worse because I ended up being a jerk and I made my brother upset. He wanted us to all to sit at a table and eat one dinner as a family before he left and stupid me, I didn't realize that until I seen him get emotional. Never saw him so upset before, and it made me feel very disappointed in myself. Okay so this is sounding like a black spot on my "perfect year". Anyways after I realized he wanted us to sit down as a family and eat, I obliged and we headed for Applebees Yummm!). I never want to make my brother sad like that ever again. It hurts me just thinking about it.

After the dinner was over and we were all getting ready to leave. I approached my brother and I apologized and I told him, "If I ever start acting like a jerk again just set me straight". Because folks I can REALLY be a jerkwad sometimes.

My bro was actually supposed to leave Wednesday but for some reason time was moved up to very late Tuesday (Early Wednesday AM). Now its Tuesday at 7pm. I guess They REALLY WANT YOU!

We really don't want him to go. I don't want him to go. I don't know anything about boot camp, training or deployment. I just don't want my little brother to get hurt. He's the only one I have, and if something happened to him, and he died or something, part of me would die with him. And I don't think my Psyche could take it.

This Meme is easy as 1-2-3

2008-06-18T10:08:00.008-04:00

Alrighty Jeff, here I am to do the tag, Metal Gear Solid 4 will still be there after I'm finished (oh and I beat it anyways). LOL

Jeff Tagged me to do a book meme. Here are the rules (copy 'n paste):

1. Grab the nearest book. If you are currently reading something, that'll be fine too.

2. Open the book to page 123.

3. Find the fifth sentence.

4. Post the text of the next 4 sentences on your Blog along with these instructions.

5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet I know that is what you were thinking!

6. Tag 5 people.

Here is the passage:

"Well, Lizzie, despite your best efforts, you're giving me plenty of reasons to enlist your services. Yet you want me to withdraw my application? Why? Her eyes grew rueful. "Because of Adam," she said. Dear Jesus Suddenly, I couldn't breathe.

(Note that page 123 was the end of a chapter so I couldn't go five sentences down and and use the next four sentences. I went two sentences down and used the rest of the chapter LMAO.)

This passage was from the book "Kill Me", by Stephen White. I probably would not have noticed it if the book wasn't bright yellow, and didn't have a bullet on the cover. I'm glad I did though, because it was pretty interesting and it kept me on my toes. Kill Me is about a Rich Man realizes that he doesn't want to die a slow painful death (conscious or not). So he hires an organization to kill him if he ever gets a severely injured, or diminished by disease. The catch is that once he enters into the contract, its irrevocable. When our anonymous narrator gets an illness he realizes he has one more thing to do before the "Death Angels" carry out there "end of life services". Although i'm not a big fan of the protagonist being killed off in any kind of media (Snake...Sniff...Sniff) I still liked this book.

I'm only going to tag three people. I don't know if they did this before or not, but either way I wouldn't know unless I try. I tag Chris, Chelle, and Shari.

P.S. While i'm at it, to anyone who reads this, is there a character who out there that perished that you wished would still be "alive"??? (Tag)

Can't sleep cuz...

2008-06-12T03:08:00.002-04:00

Its been nearly a month and it would have been longer (maybe) if it weren't for the fact that I can't sleep.

Usually I can't sleep because of some bad reason (right foot, back pain, worried, gas). Well this time the reason I can't sleep is a good reason... Well sort of!

When I bought my PlayStation 3 (Uh oh here comes another video game post) in 2006 I was under the impression that Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of The Patriots wasn't far behind. Boy was I wrong. I kept seeing the date moving further and further away from me. At one point I was unsure whether or not it was going to even be on the PS3, because some clerk told me that it may get ported over to the XBOX 360. Things were looking grim for the PS3, I felt like I chose the wrong team.

All that changed though in 2007 when I saw my first trailer for Metal Gear Solid 4. It was awesome to say the least. Then things were getting even better when it was announced that Blue-Ray Discs were going to be the High Definition DVD choice of the future, because the PS3 plays Blue ray and the XBOX 360 does HD-DVD.

Now when I was 14 years old I originally got turned on to the Metal Gear series by the Non-Canon Metal Gear game called Snakes Revenge. It was a pretty fun game. My brother and I would sit there and play it for hours. We didn't care that it really didn't happen in the Metal Gear universe, we just got our game on. It was so fun that when Hideo Kojima released the first Metal Gear Solid game on the PS one, I had to get it. Its funny because I didn't have a PlayStation, and I hadn't ever planned on getting one, because I was a die hard Nintendo fan. All that changed when I saw Metal Gear Solid.

I heard voices!

The PlayStation had discs where as the NES, Super Nintendo and the Nintendo 64 were cartridges. Even though N64 had better graphics than the PS One it didn't have voice acting...well much of it anyway. It couldn't, because there was only so much that you can do with a cartridge. So eventually I jumped ship and and joined the "Dark Side" (that's how I saw it before my eyes were opened).

So you can imagine why I irrationally ran out and bought the PS3 even though they hadn't made any quality games yet. I almost feel better now.

Here I am on the big day. Finally Metal Gear Solid 4 has been released. Its 3:28 in the morning and all I can think about is that game. Snakes Final Mission. Its kind of sad, but I'm so looking forward too it that you'd think I had about 7 cups of coffee. I have done nothing but count down to this day. My birthday is next week and I'm like, "who cares"!

When daylight hits I am so out of here. My behind will be on the next city bus to pick up my reserved copy. You think I was gone long before, wait and see how long I'll be gone after this post. LOL

I still have to do Jeff's tag so after that. LOL

Rule #3 Always Go With Your Gut

2008-05-19T22:07:00.004-04:00

On my birthday in 2003 I wanted to go bowling, but I didn't want to go by myself. So I asked my brother if he wanted to go with me. He said yeah, so I suggested that we take our three sisters with us. Two of them still were/are under the iron curtain of our step-father so, I wanted to ask my mom if the two youngest could go with us. I called my mother at her job, but she wasn't at her desk. So I decided to call her cell-phone and still no answer. My brother and my sister's tried to convince me that we could go, and there wouldn't be no problems, but I knew better. I know how my step-father's mind works and I know how my mom's works too. I didn't want to hear any arguments or yelling and what not, so I told them we have to wait. After an hour my mom calls and I ask her if we can take our sisters with us. She says yes, and I told her how I didn't want to take them without her permission, and how my siblings thought otherwise. My mom then tells me that I made the right choice. After I hung up the phone with her I spoke and saved a message onto my cell-phone. I said, "Next time go with your gut".

Nine times out of ten a person's gut feelings are right. When you go against that feeling you can get hit....Hard.

The reason I'm making this one of my rules isn't just because of the choice I made on my birthday five years ago. Its because of the new responsibility at work that we have. All tobacco products are at the service desk, and now all of the pressure is on myself and my co-workers to proof anyone that look under 30. Cause if we don't and we get "stung"(err...I mean if we fail) from a police sting, we would end up getting stung...err I mean fired from our jobs. Not only that but we could get arrested and fined. So I'm not to thrilled about wearing handcuffs, because they are NOT accessories. So I have to remember to ALWAYS go with my gut no matter what. Customers can say they are old enough, they can try and say there expired I.D. is still valid, they can even yell at me (let it out), but the one thing they aren't going to do is make me risk my job for some lame addiction that will eventually be the end of them. Friend, Foe, or co-worker, I'm not going to jail for you.

Always go with your gut!

What is Culture?

2008-05-02T22:49:00.002-04:00

Before I vent I just wanted to let anyone who's going to see Iron Man know that there is a scene after the credits finish rolling. It definitely hints as to who is going to be in the next film. I was surprised.

Okay its venting time.

I was going to post this sooner but I've been working six days (with one exception) a week for the past 4 weeks now, so I haven't really been motivated to do the blogging thing. This topic had been on my mind for awhile now, but I must admit that the fire isn't burning inside like it was when it first crossed my mind.

Question? What is culture?

One night when I was watching the news they were talking about the black community and how we as a people don't snitch when someone is murdered. That its a part of our culture. When I was a kid I was taught that the meaning of the word is "a way of life". In a way, it kind of made sense, but I thought it was meant to be in a positive way.

The next day I called my mom and asked her what she thought the definition of "culture" is, and she sent me a text of a definition that she found.

Culture-beliefs customs practices and social behavior of a particular nation or people.

Alright when put its put that way it makes sense, but then I found another definition of the word in an Oxford dictionary.

Culture-The arts and other manifestations of human intellectual achievement regarded collectively.

When I saw that one I realized that English language seem to have too many parameters for word definitions.

I guess the point i'm trying to make is that there is something about how the word is being used that just doesn't sit right with me.

When I think about the word culture, I think about music, religion... stuff like that. I never thought of it as something negative like not telling the authorities if you witnessed someones life being taken (No Snitching).

Honestly I don't know what I would do if I witnessed a murder. I do know that my reason wouldn't have anything to with grudges with the police or anything like that. My reason would be a little more selfish...Fear of death.

The second fall bruised my leg

2008-04-14T21:53:00.002-04:00

The second time I fell was in February. This fall seems to be the complete opposite to the first. It had no meaning, I got hurt badly, there was snow and ice on the ground, there were no cars involved, and I was on the hill that is our drive way.

You have no idea how much it hurt to take the fall that I didn't see coming. I'm such an idiot. The whole winter I went without buying any boots. My right foot can't take heavy shoes so I decided not to buy any. Nike UPS don't have any grip, so If you ever wear any, don't wear them outside during the winter.

I try to take the garbage bin out to the curb the day before garbage day, so I don't have to worry about getting up early in the morning to do it. Also because its a pain trying to get the garbage bin down when you have two vehicles in the driveway.

Everything started off normal. The cats wanted me to feed them before I left-I fed them.

Check all of the doors in the house and the stove to make sure they were secure-CHECK.

Went outside and locked the door behind me -CHECK.

Now there I was in the middle of winter, on the day before garbage day. My mother was home but her car wasn't blocking the driveway. I don't know why, but for some reason I wasn't being cautious like I normally do when I am walking during the winter. I grabbed the garbage bin and started walking with it. When I started walking down the hill, I experienced an eye opener.

Like I said I wasn't being cautious, and because of it, I didn't see the ice. That wasn't the only thing I didn't see that day (didn't see that fall coming). I slipped on that patch of ice, fell backwards onto my lower right leg, and then my upper body fell forward. As I slid down the rest of the hill, the garbage bin fell over and slid with me. Not beside me...NO. It slid onto me. When I realized I didn't break my leg (think I came close) I turned over and pushed the garbage bin aside. I took out my phone and tried to call my mother for help, but I guess she was asleep. So I was all alone.

At first I didn't want to stand on my leg. I was afraid that the damage was worse than I thought. I knew I sprained my leg, I just didn't know how bad. Then for some reason I decided that I wasn't going to let anyone laugh at my expense or give into my injury. I got up reclaimed my dignity and put the garbage can to the curb. If you thought I was an idiot for wearing those sneakers, you must definitely think I'm one for walking to work without getting medical attention for my leg. I was lucky it healed. I kind of put my job before my health again. I have to remember that my health is more important.

I'm buying boots next winter...Lesson Learned!

The first fall bruised my ego

2008-04-09T10:23:00.003-04:00

New Years Eve (Oh happy belated new year everyone), I was walking home from work. I'm a fast walker, so when I saw a dog owner taking its pooch for a walk on the same sidewalk I was on, I decided to cross the street. I didn't want to come up behind the person or the dog and startle either one. So when I crossed the street, you'd think it would be the end of that.

NOPE!

At the time I thought I was having a bad New Years Eve. My wrist was hurting me, I had no one to celebrate with, and my mind was just overflowing with negative gibberish.

I swear there seem like there are times where my life seems to be written as a story. Part A seems to always be linked to part B in some way shape or form (Proof of that in a future post).

Like I was saying I decided to cross the street so I wouldn't get bitten or cause a heart attack. When I got to the other side of the street I noticed a car parked in a driveway. It wouldn't have been much of a problem except that it was blocking the sidewalk that I was on. I hate when people do that. I don't think there was snow on the ground that day so I didn't fall because of that, but when I went around the car, I slipped on a patch of mud and almost took a face plant. I only prevented that at the last second with my right hand. My thumb took most of punishment from that tumble. Well then again my package of chicken wings may have suffered the most. Then again, I was lying there in front of a white car that had its lights on, thinking to myself that if the people in that car didn't see me fall I could be a goner. I used to wish that I was never here. While I was sitting there on all fours I realized that life didn't seem so bad, although New Years Eve could have been a lot better.

If that person wasn't walking there dog, I wouldn't have crossed the street. If I didn't cross the street none of this would have ever happened. It just seemed like I was set up for some sort of cosmic wake up call or something.

If I didn't cross the street then I wouldn't have text message my brother, and told him what happened. Then he wouldn't have responded with a text, and in that text told me that he was joining the Army Reserves.

Life-the biggest coincidence on earth? Just makes me wonder!

Eeriest Thing Just Happened!

2008-04-05T00:45:00.002-04:00

I wasn't going to blog, but the Eeriest thing just happened to me. While I was uploading some of my CD's to my computer for my new MP3, I swore I heard my dad's voice. He said my nickname! I still have the chills! I haven't spoken to him since 2005, when I went to his and my step-mom's doctor for a second opinion for my foot. It was strange, I heard it clearly as if he were here. It really freaked me out. Its too late to call him now. I think maybe I should call tomorrow. I seemed to have thought that maybe him and I never had a "father-son" connection. I think maybe I was wrong.