Introducing Liston

Pacquiao vs De La Hoya Odds

2008-12-06T18:11:00.000-08:00

Yes that's right I've finally sold out. I'm blogging about boxing also known as the sweet science, perhaps the sweetest science of them all. It doesn't get much lower than this.

But before I start a quick update on the current Pacquiao vs De La Hoya odds. As it stands Manny Pacquiao remains the underdog at Bookmaker. He is listed at +165 while De La Hoya is the short priced favorite at -195.

The showdown between Oscar De La Hoya and world champion midget icon Manny Pacquiao is being billed as the fight of the year.

The two combatants will meet at welterweight in the richest fight in boxing history. Many experts like myself have already dismissed this bout as farce due to De La Hoya's enormous size advantage.

At 35 "The Golden Boy" has achieved more than he could have ever dreamed of.
De La Hoya is happily married and just recently was awarded a bronze statue in front of the Staples Center in his hometown of Los Angeles. He really doesn't have much more to prove. However beating a man half his size would surely silence even his harshest critics.

When these two men enter the ring this Saturday it wont be about it titles, records or belts. It will about something much more important than that, cash money.

I cant see this bout going the distance. De La Hoya will take control early and finish it before the 6th. However should De La Hoya loose surely the loss would enter the boxing history books as the biggest embarrassment in living memory.

It's science and not at all racist. There are just some things that Mexican guys are better at than white and Asian guys, and boxing happens to be high on the list. (Other things on the list include: looking cool with shaved heads, being intimidating, doing complicated handshakes without looking lame, and being bad fathers.) I know it, you know it and so do the bookmakers.

If you need any other evidence to convince you to click De La Hoya's name when you're gambling your mortgage away at your bookmaker, know this: Oscar de la Hoya has been advising Ricky Hatton. Yeah, that's right. I mean, it makes perfect sense. Having Oscar De La Hoya give you advice on how to beat Mayweather is like having Rex Grossman give you advice on how to be a successful NFL quarterback.

Subtle Bigotry Is Funny

2008-12-03T09:30:00.000-08:00

Racism is cool.

The Deliverance Dillema

2008-11-16T09:31:00.001-08:00

Here's a totally hypothetical question that I have not been wrestling with this since around mid-September: Let's say there was a guy -we'll call him Lyston- and Lyston had never seen Deliverance before a few months ago. (Whatever, he wasn't born in the '70s. And while we're on the subject, Lyston's never seen Deerhunter either. Old movies are wack and so is your face.) So when Lyston saw that Deliverance was going to be on TV, he decided to watch it.

Now, the reason that he wanted to watch the movie was not because of some pop-cultural altruism or anything lame like that; he wanted to watch the movie because he knew that there was a scene where a dude rapes another one. Lyston decided in advance that this would be the ultimate barometer of his gayness. If he watched it and felt even mildly interested in what was going on, then he would jump wholeheartedly into the homosexual lifestyle --he'd go buy the latest Ne-Yo CD, he'd start putting penises in his mouth, he'd start wearing a leather newsboy hat, the whole shabang. (That list, by the way, is actually cut and pasted straight from Super Gay dot com and is in order of most gay to least gay. Yes, buying a Ne-Yo CD is inherently more gay than having anal sex.)

So the movie starts and he's watching --remember, this is a hypothetical-- and watching and watching and watching. The rape scene doesn't happen until a good hour and fifteen minutes or so into the movie (which, Lyston would like to mention, was an incredibly boring hour and fifteen minutes because, in case you hdadn't heard, old movies are wack). So he just sat there like a moron, waiting.

Finally, after far too much meandering and not near enough raping, the scene takes place and he's got nothing going on. It isn't disgusting to see, Lyston just wasn't interested in it. Cool, he thought, I'm not gay. Then about two hours after the movie it hit him: He just spent about an hour and a half sitting through a horribly boring movie that he would have otherwise not watched for the sole purpose of wanting to see one man rape another. Doesn't that make him even more gay than I if I had accidentally wandered across the aforementioned scene and been slightly aroused? Isn't that the the type of unconscious urge that actually drives gay and not some paper stereotype? In essence, did he just haphazardly prove that he is far gayer than previously assumed?

Australians Are Dumb

2008-09-12T06:20:00.001-07:00

I received this email this morning. I sincerely wish I was making this up. But I'm not. Because Australia is full of Dumb Shits. Literally.

Hello mr listons. I like to red your blogs , they are very humoros alot. . here i see you having problems with writing for the blog I have come from austrlia from Iran 2 years after . When i come i like football soccer too much . it was my number 1 of sport but then i see anther sport is afl in australia . this sport very exciting and i love now more for soccer ! i think mr liston you coud say how good is this sport for USA for your blog yes. i heve put links for video for youtube . i hope is very good for you . -Mirvat bektash http://www.youtube.com/user/WWENani09

At first I thought it was a joke, but then I checked my Statcounter and saw that I had one received precisely one hit from Australia. Turns out, the guy is from a place called DumbShit, Ridge, Australia. See, it's right here on their map so you know I'm not making it up:

Who knew?

Fucking Write Something

2008-09-05T05:01:00.000-07:00

I had a few emails in my inbox again this morning politely requesting that I write something. Here's one:

"Fucking write something fucking new you fucking lazy fucking fucker!
And don't fucking gimme that shit about fucking having to work to feed your family ,
I'm bored and I think that definitely should take precedence over anthing else you have going on.

Troyza

Anyone that can use "fuck" or a derivative of "fuck" at least 5 times in the first sentence of an email is aces in my book.

-L

Holy Shit

2008-08-25T15:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, a few months ago I started a wicked sweet gang to help people get all the respect. It's probably the most intimidating gang you ever heard of. Any way, some dude totally schooled me on proper gang ways. He's got more than fifty people in his gang so I tend to agree with him. Here's his super rad, unedited comment that he sent me:

--------------------------

dude u blazing shit up right now? Who the fuck would be scared of a bunch of white momma boys1:Calculator watch wtf is that? hey boys instead of our normal dealings today were going to do some math *everyone elsë* FUCK YEA LETS ALL LEARN.a dragon ball z shirt or flame what r you like a fucking 4 year old umm yea i got flame casue itll make me go faster duh. AND ROLLER SCATES you are real fucekd up you dont settel disagreements with a race down a hill fucking retard you fight it out. Also who came up with thsoe names your fucking sister yea umm i think trantuals are gross an just ewwww *you* awsome thts our name..... also if you name yourselfs the scorps your guna get fucking manhunted by the red scorpian gang. Let me give you a sugestion that can fix all of this: clothing:iced out watch,baggy jeans or torn jeans torn jeans if u woried bout heat, big big shirt preferbly cheap that way when u fiting it dont matter if you
get blood on it or it gets ripped,rings mroe rings more respect, belt w a big belt buckel, and dc skate shoes there light enough to ran fast in an heavy enough to kick w. dont get bling tho casue i no your a poser but this is one guy trying to help also im starting a gang that has 15 peeps from vc antoehr 15 from surrey and 25 in whiterock so we got liek 55 peeps but thats not even close to enouhg if you want to be in a real one without soem faggsih white boy poser add
me at canadian-blood@hotmail.com i no it sounds white but its all i could coem up w at teh tiem think bout it peeps an i will toaight peace

------------------------------

Clearly, he is a gang expert and I'm siked to have some in my gang who's not a total homo and is the real deal, Phil. He seems to have some really sound advice. I've emailed him for help on starting my gang back up. AARRGGGHGHHH!! I'm a gang!

Love,

Liston

It Is What It Is

2008-08-25T15:34:00.000-07:00

I've got two phones like a drug dealer.

Love,

Liston

I'm Gay

2008-08-10T19:34:00.000-07:00

In the greatest crime against human decency since the Holocaust, Fanny Pak were booted of America's Best Dance Crew. And I'm pissed. Aarrrggghhh!

If you don't know Fanny Pak, then you're dumb. They're America's (rightful) Best Dance Crew. And their not gay, so back off.

Look, normally I'm not an unreasonable person, but this is so frigg'n wack I had to do something. So I grabbed some pictures of the judges and vandalized them, hardcore. Like, big time hardcore. They're explicict, and probably not safe for work. Consider yourself warned.

Stupid, dumb JC Chasez. He's probably the reason N'Sync broke up. And what's with those dipshit shirts he always wears? They've always got buckles and shit on 'em.

Oh, God, this girl makes me sick. I hate her dumb shit hats she wears with her (fake) ponytail sticking out of the top. What's that "M" on her hat stand for? My guess: Mdipshit. Has she ever said anything of substantive? "Eh, yo, you guys were... yeah.... yo. Ya feel me?" Aaarrgghh.

Ugh. This guy. I wanna hate him but he's so tiny. How tall is that guy any way? I wanna put him in my pocket. Or maybe I could put him in one of the pockets of JC's dumbassed shirts. I'm willing to bet that he's probably got a shirt with a pocket right in the middle of his back.

Aaaarrrggghh.

My cellphone is dead

2008-08-02T13:45:00.000-07:00

There will be a new post tonight so please stop emailing me. Thank you.

-Liston

The Pinnacle Of Modern Achievement

2008-06-05T21:34:00.000-07:00

You know how gas prices are getting kinda high, right? And you know how I'm kinda gay, but not quite gay enough? I bought this. Problem solved.

Now, you might be surprised to hear this, but people think riding a moped is embarrasing and somewhat unmanly. To that I say...[fart sound]. Some mopeds are actually kinda cool. Take this 50cc GTR. It rocks tits and technically it's a moped:

And hear we see John Wayne, the archetypal man, riding a moped disguised as a horse:

See, mopeds are cool and manly. But one thing caught me off guard. Prior to buying my moped I assumed riding it would be similiar to riding a motorcycle. In fact, it is not. Turns out there's a code that I was not previously privy to; an esoteric list of special moped rules you must follow. Like, for example, did you know that when you ride a moped there must be a penis near either your mouth or your butt? Like so:

And who do penises belong to? Men that's who. Which further proves my point that mopeds are manly. (Another correlation: How many letters are in manly? 5. And in moped? 5 again! It's like the frigg'n Da Vinci code, except without Tom hanks' pedophile haircut.)

Another rule: when you ride a moped you must have a dirty, snug shirt, a stupid hat, unkempt hair and/or beard, and know a girl with red pants and a grey cat. Lucky for you, we just happened across a picture of some mopeders covering all those bases:

Also, when riding a moped you must travel in a gang. This serves as a bifold precaution, as it allows you to both allude and confuse predators -like how fish do with sharks- and it also places you in prime position to, should the likely need arise, engage in gay sex -like how gay men do with gay men (you know, on account of being around all those other mopeders).

Another cool thing about mopeds is that, unlike motorcycles, it rocks the shit for two guys to ride a moped together. Matter of fact, check out what tennis star Serena Williams said when she saw two guys riding a moped together while on vacation:

So there you have it. Mopeds are cool and if you have one girls will talk in text message language at you and try and blow you big time.

Bacos Are Okay Sometimes

2008-05-14T09:36:00.000-07:00

What's up, sisters? So, like, I've totally been thinking about you guys lately. Like, OMG all the time. The other day I went to the store and was like, "Man, I wonder what Bagoda is wearing right now," and my BF was like, "Who?" and I was like, "Pfft... whatev" [I was making a "W" using my thumbs and forefingers] and then my BF was like, "..." and I was like, "Face!"

Have ya'll seen this movie called John Tucker Must Die? OMG it is soooo funny. Basically it's about this total hottie who's a playa playa and has so many chicks and then some stuff happens and he learns a lesson and I couldn't stop laughing. Definitely two thumbs up. Two big thumbs up. You know how when they smash their fingers in the cartoons and they get all big and swollen? Two of those thumbs up, but like, times 50.

I'm hungry for a house salad. I only like house salad if it comes with lettuce, cheese, croutons, and ranch dressing. Sometimes bacos are good too but occasionally they sit funny in my teeth and it hurts when I bite down. That totally reminds of me of a story: One time I was eating this house salad that had lettuce, cheese, croutons and ranch and my mom was like, "Why don't you put some bacos in that?" so I was like, "Okay." And then I did.

See you laters, alligators. (I just made that up.)

Liston

So This Is What It Feels Like To Be A Phoenix Fan?

2008-05-05T21:37:00.000-07:00

Spurs are terrible. I hate my life.

Love,

Liston

Babies Love Toast

2008-04-21T19:30:00.001-07:00

In the interest of cross cultural communication, one's opinion of toast is most often expressed by raising it to a designated height in the air. The higher said toast is raised, the higher one's opinion of it.

This is one of my two sons. His name is Baby Liston. And apparently he is of the impression that the piece of toast he was given (his left hand) is the number one piece of toast in all the land (his right hand).

I tend to agree with his opinion on this particular piece of toast, although only about half as emphatically.

We felt you should know that. Thanks.

Love,

Liston

Introducing Majestic Nubian Art

2008-04-05T08:52:00.000-07:00

There are two indisputable truths we know about black people:

If they bop you on the head with the heels of one their feet, you will turn into a black person.
When they argue, it's in sing-song format. (see: The Five Heartbeats, Dreamgirls, and School Daze)

This has nothing to do with either, but it is magnificient

This is some exceptional artwork. Truly inspiring. As a matter of fact, just the other day things in my life were going really bad, and I was like, "Man, if only I had a poster of Ricky Williams about to ear-clap a woman in high heels walking across water..." and poof! here it is. Amazing.

Peace to the Middle East, we out.

Just for clarification, this is the aformentioned Ricky Williams:

With The Exception Of Rick Ross, I'm The Biggest Boss That You Seen Thus Far

2008-03-27T10:09:00.000-07:00

In case you hadn't heard, I ride on the back of my brother's motorcycle with no shirt*. Yeah. Cause I'm bad**. Real bad***. Way more bad than kinda bad****. Like, real bad.

* But I do wear a helmet, because riding without a helmet is irresponsible.

** Bad meaning "tough", not bad meaning "bad" or "spoiled" or "lame", not like, "Ew, this meat is so bad (spoiled)," but more like, "Ew, this meat is so bad (tough)."

*** I'm talking big-time bad. Color Me Badd bad.

**** See illustration for further clarification.

illustration of my being way more-bad-than-kinda-bad for visual learners:

Peace to Middle East. We out.

Liston

It Could Happen To You

2008-03-22T15:27:00.000-07:00

Hello close, personal friends. Sorry I haven't posted lately, but I've been so busy with my true love Lena that I haven't had time to anything except make out all day and wash my sweet Hyundai Accent in the front yard. I wasn't one who believed in destiny and soul mates and whatever, but after I received an email sent on a wing and a prayer (-and also a computer, but that doesn't sound real romantic), I couldn't deny it any longer. I mean, check out it out for yourself:

True love isn't like other gay crap you're supposed to believe in. True love is real. And I mean real real, not "real" like people say God is real and then you pray for like, six months or whatever and then you still don't get a Nintendo Power Glove for Christmas and then when you ask your dad what's up he's like, "Don't you know the Nintendo Power Glove causes down syndrome? Ask your sister Jody." and I'm like, "Oh man, thanks dad. I just got my braces off, the last thing I need is a case of down syndrome." My dad always has my best interests at heart.

Liston

Hungry Eyes

2008-02-28T17:52:00.001-08:00

Upon her return from the neighborhood grocery store, Mrs. Von Culbertson drops this doozy as she walked through the door:

"Why do Mexicans always look like they're gonna rape you? They got hungry eyes."

Turns out, she's right. Mexican's do have very rape-foreshadowing eyes. Here's a picture from a scientific study I found regarding Mexicans and their eyes:

The proof is in the pudding. And in the picture. That I did not make just for this post.

Ugh.

2008-02-26T20:26:00.000-08:00

Quotation marks are the most powerful of all the punctuation marks. Look:

Not me: What do you like to do when you're alone?

Me: Just sit around and relax.

Not me: Cool.

vs.

Not me: What do you like to do when you're alone?

Me: Just sit around and "relax".

Not me: Gross

It works the same in real-world applications. Look:

By the way. Finger quotes are much easier to do than to draw. I hate my life.

Douchemaster 2000: The Measurement Scale

2008-02-20T23:09:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the Douchemaster 2000, a revolutionary computer system that calculates the level of douche you exhibit. It's simple, click your honest answer to each question and, depending on your response, you will be given a score and taken to the next appropriate question. After the last question is answered your score will be calculated. Good luck.

This is a very sensitive machine. Should you display an inordinate amount of douche-dum, the Douchemaster 2000 will automatically end your session.

The Douchemaster 2000 is 10 questions long.

Douchemaster 2000

1. A conversation on my cell phone is ended with:

How To Close The Deal

2007-12-14T21:33:00.000-08:00

One of the worst feelings in the world is getting to the end of a date, thinking everything has gone swell, and then not getting some sweet poon-tang. Luckily for you, I have devised a fool-proof 6 step plan guaranteed to help you close the deal at the end of your date. It's very simple. It goes:

1. Pull up to her house, shut the car off (but leave the radio on), and put it on some sweet tunes, like Journey or Chicago:

2. Once you've let Steve Perry get her into the mood, say something sweet like:

Girls love complements, so this is important.

Continue with steps 3-6.

Douchemaster 2000 Question#8

2007-11-24T12:43:00.000-08:00

Thats what I'm talking about, baby. Child molestation is always cool. If there was a way to cyber high-five you, I'd be doing the shit out of it. Maybe you're not as much of a fag as your scores have said thus far. Keep it up and you just might finish this thing as a level 6 douche instead of a level 9 douche.

8. At Starbucks I order:

Douchemaster 2000 Question #8

2007-11-24T12:39:00.000-08:00

Come on, man. What is this, 1999? Ninjas and pirates and shit are no longer funny nor clever. Do me a favor: go to google, search for "ninjas and pirates" in the images section, then punch yourself in the nose. Stop letting people pressure you into thinking something is cool, toadstool.

8. At Starbucks I order:

Douchemaster 2000 Question#8

2007-11-24T12:34:00.000-08:00

Seriously? Like, seriously? I don't even... I just... wow. You are perilously close to getting booted out of here on account your massive doucheness. Think about how fast light travels. That's the speed equivalent to how gay that last answer was.

8. At Starbucks I order:

The Biography of Timothy Duncan

2007-11-19T21:58:00.000-08:00

TIMOTHY DUNCAN
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

So basically, my dad is like, the foremost expert on Tim Duncan and stuff. You see, they were best friends or whatever and now my dad knows all about him. But not best friends like where they hung out and knew each other and stuff, more like best friends where Tim never really knew about my dad but my dad thought about and talked about Tim Duncan all the time and wore his jersey to my grandma's funeral even though it totally pissed everyone off but my dad was like, "Whatever, dudes. It's the playoffs.". Best friends like that. And since I got banned from Wikipedia (probably because I make out with 50 hot chicks all day) I figured I would post the real biography of Timothy Duncan here.

Biography

Early Life: Tim Duncan's early life was like anyone else's. His mom was a super robot sent back in time to play basketball and his dad was a cloud of thunder and lightning. At first, he was real good at swimming but then this wizard or something told him, "Hey. What's up, homie? Play basketball." Tim stopped swimming because that wizard told him to and when a wizard says to do something you frigg'n do it.

College Life: After that fateful day with the wizard Tim got so good at basketball. Like, real good. You know how when you look at porn on your home computer when your mom or wife goes to the grocery store and then afterwards you try real hard to make sure you get rid of all the evidence? That's how hard Tim was practicing at hoops and he was doing it like, at least twice a week. Imagine that. Also, he was playing the saxophone a lot too, but then that wizard showed up again and was like, "I thought I told you to only play basketball?" and then Tim was like, "No, you told me don't swim." and the wizard was like, "Don't get smart." and Tim was like, "I'm not getting smart, I been smart." and the wizard was like, "Oh, you're a funny guy? Well, I got a joke for you. This guy walks into a bar... you're grounded for two weeks." and I was like, "Awww, mom. That's not fair!" and then she was like, "Tough cookies, Liston."

The Pros: So Tim got drafted by the greatest team of all teams, the San Antonio Spurs and it was so sweet. He was with The Admiral and The Ninja and then he did some commercials for H-E-B. He wanted to win a championship real bad, so then he did. One game he was playing against Shaquille O'Neal (his arch rival- the Mumm-Ra to his Lion O) and there were like 50 Shaqs and he still won because he practiced so much and was so good. My dad said he was the only who got to see the game because he had ordered the delux NBA League Pass that was only offered for that one day and he had to pay like, $1000 for it but it was totally worth it. After that he won a lot more championships and trophies. Then once during the playoffs the Spurs were losing to the Lakers by one with just a few seconds left so my dad said he was going to call Tim Duncan and he went into the backyard and called him. (I didn't see the phone but my dad said it was because Tim gave him a special phone that you can only see if you're heart is pure and my heart isn't pure because my mom makes "eyes" at this guy at the grocery and I "let" her so it's my fault.) Then, on the next play, Tim made a fade away over Shaq from the top of the key and my dad went nuts, then Derek Fisher made a shot and my dad started crying a lot. It was weird. Later the Spurs won more championships.

The Lionosauras Rex: Once, this Lionosauras Rex broke into his home island of St. Croix and all the islanders were too scared to do anything. All of them except one; Tim Duncan. Tim Duncan had to fight the Lionosauras Rex to defend the honor of his family so he did. And he beat him. Standard stuff, really. He also likes Renaissance Fairs and Dungeons and Dragons.

References:

My dad
Me
My cousin Sid

Does this page need modifications or edits? Do so in the comments section.

Introducing Movie Reviews: Roadhouse

2007-11-19T09:38:00.000-08:00

I like watching movies, big time. If you want to hire me to do some movie reviews for you then that's cool. I'm going to start posting movie reviews here. This is the second.

Movie title: Roadhouse

Stars: Patrick Swayze, an old coot that seems a lot like the old coot from Blade, the Double Deuce, this one guy that has a knife on his boot, a monster truck

Plot: There's this guy who's one cool hombre named Dalton who lives like a loner, fights like a professional, and loves like there's no tomorrow. He already knows this blind guy that plays a guitar, then this guy rubs a boob but doesn't have any money, then Dalton says, "Be nice" and everyone is like, "Whaaaa?" and people thought he would have been bigger. Then this other guy thinks he's the best at karate but it turns out he's only second best and Dalton whoops/kills him and is like, "WESSSLLLLEEEYYYYY!". Then this stuffed bear falls on a guy.

How I felt about it: I was pretty much trying to make out with Dalton through the TV but I couldn't. Then I put on this black t-shirt and was leaning against an open door with my arms crossed for like two hours or whatever, then I went in the front yard to practice karate.

Thanks to the person that emailed me and told me to review this movie. I think it was "Clairah" or something. Leave your requests in the comments section, ot you can email me at: leaveyoursuggestionsinthecommentssection@gmail.com