Adventures in Motherhood

Still here

2007-08-08T20:30:00.000-04:00

I think about this blog sometimes and feel guilty that I just rather abandoned it. The past few weeks have been so busy that I haven't really taken time to catch my breath. Things are still going pretty good for me. Katherine is growing and seems to get more of a personality with each passing day. Gracie has been going to summer day camps and vacation bible school which gets her out of my hair and does wonders for my disposition :-) Her last camp ends this Friday though so I'm not sure how we'll make it to mid-September when preschool starts. I am wishing more and more that I had easy access to an every-day preschool. But I'll make the best of it. A few weeks ago I thought there was a possibility of my going to work but that petered out. Monday my hubby went and interviewed for a position within his company that would be less flying and more like a 9-5 desk job which means he would be home every night. The drawback is that we would have to move to Detroit and start all over again with no family nearby. We are still trying to decide what would be the best thing to do.

I think this will be my last post to this blog. I started it almost 2 years ago, trying to deal with the frustration of infertility. I've moved on (to other frustrations!) so it seems like a good time to let this blog go.

Time marches on

2007-07-15T22:16:00.000-04:00

Where does the time go? Seems like just yesterday I was bemoaning a huge belly and all the aches and pains that went along with being 9 months pregnant. Now my baby is closing in on 3 months old. She smiles a lot and just yesterday she laughed several times at Gracie's entertainment. She's started drooling a lot which makes me think that teeth are in our future. She's not interested yet in trying to grab anything but she's very alert and seems to take in life with wide open eyes. This past week we went on vacation in Florida. I was worried about how both the girls would do but we all managed to have a great time. I put Katherine back in bed with me and she slept beautifully. She's making the transition back to the crib as though she hadn't slept with me at all. Crossing my fingers, she seems to be a pretty adaptable baby. We still don't have much of a routine but she's sleeping pretty well. We're back to 2-3 hour stretches at night but somehow I am managing it without being a zombie.

I am still coping pretty well with my depression. One thing my therapist grilled me on several times was keeping up the changes that I've made recently and carrying them forward. Namely that the onus is on me to make sure that I get adequate me-time. At the time I assured her that I am very aware of the need and that I didn't intend to let that slip. As time goes on, however, I find it very easy to slip back into those old habits that got me into such bad shape in the first place. I've had a few days where I honestly wanted to check myself back into the hospital. A lot of days I get through by just trying to survive one moment to the next. I wonder sometimes if I'll ever not be depressed on some level.

I got a call last week about a job at the company I worked for before I had Gracie. I am considering going back to work there. My friends' and family's opinions of that are mixed and I'm still trying to decide if it would be a good thing. Part of me wants to wait until this fall when Gracie is in preschool and see how that goes. We'll see.

Title Goes Here!

2007-06-28T21:50:00.000-04:00

I am absolutely fresh out of ideas for interesting titles on blog posts!

Great news this week: I have been released by both my psychiatrist and my therapist. My family doc will do whatever is necessary with the Zoloft from here on out. Last night I stopped taking the Trazodone with no ill effects and decent sleep so I hope I'm off that for good. It helped immensely at first but I think it is time to move on.

Katherine is now 2 months old! Night before last she slept 5.5 hours straight. Yesterday she got her two month shots so she was a little cranky but she still slept well last night. About 7:30 tonight she got very, very fussy. Which was bad for me because I am parenting solo right now and I was desperately trying to get a very tired three year old into bed. I finally had both of them screaming and crying at the same time so I just shut the door on Gracie and went outside to walk Katherine. Gracie finally calmed down. I suspect it was one of those things where she was crying one second and out cold the next! Katherine... well, that's another story. She cried off and one for two hours. I was finally able to lay her down on the boppy pillow and give her the binky and she just now fell asleep. Sweet release! Who cares that she's downstairs in my office and not in the crib! I plan to zonk out right next to her in a few minutes!

My depression is a lot better than it was. I still have periods of sadness and crying spells but they don't last very long and they're very predictable now. Invariably J will leave for work and that night, after everyone is asleep, the sadness overwhelms me. During the day I do pretty well but some days I have to force myself to get out, around other people. Times like tonight, where everyone was crying at once, previously would have stressed me to the breaking point. Tonight I was able to stay in control of my reaction to the situation. I credit the Zoloft with helping me do that.

Life marches on. Life is pretty good. Right now I feel like a survivor. Hopefully I will continue to feel that way.

Still Here

2007-06-10T14:58:00.000-04:00

I'm still here and doing a lot better than I was. I'm still struggling with the depression but it's not as bad as before and the really bad periods of it aren't lasting nearly as long.

I must admit that when the counselor first brought up the idea of a hospital stay, one of my thoughts was what will people think? I have been so encouraged and strengthened by everyone's comments. Without fail, everyone that I have shared my story with has been very supportive. The only thing I've been chastened about was for not telling people sooner what I was going through.

I am continuing to see a counselor although I think next week may be my last session. It has been very good for me to talk over some things and get some ideas on how to handle life at the moment. I have also started back to journaling regularly and this has helped give me some perspective on my life.

My husband has really stepped up to the plate. I'm very proud of him. I tried to talk to him one day about how he felt about the events of the last several weeks and his response was: I don't really want to think about it. It is what it is. I'd rather just deal with what is right now and move on with life. The more I think about it, the more I like that response and I'm trying to claim it as my own. I try not to spend too much time brooding over what happened or feeling guilty about things. Instead I'm trying to focus on concrete things I can do to make my life better. Last week J and I sat down and coordinated our calendars. We built in time for him to do his free-time activities and also for me to have some free time. We also made sure to build in plenty of time for us as a family. I suppose all that sounds rather obvious but it's not something we've ever done. I anticipate that becoming a weekly ritual in our house! I am also taking G to the sitter every week during the summer.

One of the things the counselor got me thinking about was whether or not being a stay at home mom is still a good fit for me. I am toying with the idea of looking around for a part time job to get me out of the house and interacting with people.

I had my 6 week checkup last week. I can't believe it's been so long! I still have some stitches that haven't dissolved which surprised the midwife and also has kept things tender down there. I have a prescription for a progesterone only pill which I suppose I will get started on one of these days. It scares me though because, even taken 100% correctly (same time every single day), they have somewhat lower rates of pregnancy prevention than combined pills. It's hard to believe that after all my trials with infertility, I am now deathly afraid of getting pregnant again! I had wanted to use an IUD but the OB who treated me thinks that would probably not be a wise choice given the unknown state of my innards. So when I feel more physically ready, I plan to get my tubes tied and while they're in there, they will do some exploration to asses just what damage was done after delivery by the retained placenta detaching. Worst case we might have to consider a hysterectomy although that's unlikely given that I've had no further problems except continued spotting. But I need to be physically and emotionally ready for that option. So in the meantime I'll do the minipill and hold my breath!

Surviving

2007-06-01T14:21:00.000-04:00

It's been 12 days since my last post: several days of pure hell and many days on the road to recovery. Here's the story:

In my last post I said that I wasn't getting along very well by myself with two kids and hubby gone back to work. I knew that I had post-partum depression; I just didn't realize how bad. My good friend T had started calling me daily to check up on me. She is the one who came to visit a few weeks ago and she experienced PPD with her last two kids. She called me Monday morning and I had just really hit rock bottom. She gave me the ultimatum that either I call my midwife or she would. I knew she was serious so I went ahead and called because I knew I couldn't go on like I was. The midwife talked to me a bit, asking me questions. The final trigger question was "Have you had any thoughts of hurting anyone?". For some reason I was compelled to answer truthfully. Yes, I told her, I had thought many times about hurting someone. Who? My babies. At that point, just saying that out loud to another person was more than I could bear and I broke down crying. I didn't stop for the next 12 hours. The midwife asked if I could come see her right then. I went. She explained to me that I needed help right then and I agreed. She had already made arrangements for me to see a counselor at the Behavioural Health Unit of the hospital. She even took me over there herself. I ended up talking to the counselor for almost 4 hours. At some point, she broached the idea of hospitalization so that I could get started right away on medications and also have a break from everything and get some rest. I was totally resistant to the idea because I didn't want anything to interfere with nursing Katherine. In the end, I left her office rather against her advice and went home. I sat in a chair with Katherine in my arms and continued to cry. A few hours later my friend JE came over and she talked with me and brought me to the acceptance of doing inpatient treatment. She promised to take care of my babies so I allowed her to take me.

I could write a lot about my 3 days in the psychiatric ward of the hospital but the experience is too raw so I won't right now. Suffice it to say that I got myself together somewhat and got a little rest and spend time talking to counselors. It's been 8 days since I got out. I am on Zoloft and also Trazadone to help me sleep without affecting the baby. I am still nursing and Katherine continues to thrive. I am getting tons of help from my family and I think they are almost ready to relax their 24 hour/day guard of me. That has been one of the hardest things for me: not being able to be left alone with my kids and knowing full well that that was the best course of action. I saw a psychiatrist yesterday who upped my Zoloft dosage and I am also seeing a counselor every few days who has been really helpful in getting me thinking and talking. I still have a very long ways to go but I am also a very long ways from where I was 8 days ago. I have completely lost all my pregnancy weight although in the circumstances that is probably not a good thing since I basically lost my appetite and ate very little. But that is getting better now. The medicine helps me to get to sleep faster and sleep deeper and on top of that, Katherine is beginning to go 4-5 hour stretches at night. She is still sleeping with me which I have ceased to worry about. Each day has enough worries of its own!

This is the first time since my breakdown that I have gotten on the computer. I am hopelessly behind in all my emails and blogs. Again, not worrying too much about that. I hope this post might help someone else out there. Everyone I come into contact with rushes to assure me how completely normal I am. Hopefully it will continue that way.

Surviving Single-Parenthood

2007-05-20T20:48:00.000-04:00

I'm on my third day of four days of single parenthood. I can't say that I've done very well. No shower. I think I brushed my teeth once or twice. If I can't do it with a baby in one arm, it just doesn't get done. Not to mention that I've experienced every symptom of post-partum depression in one form or another. No, things have not been going well. My newborn seems to get more high-maintenance every day. This morning, though, we had a sort of a breakthrough.

A little background first... Before G was born I read all the books and did all the research and decided that we would go the co-sleeping, baby-wearing route. About 3 days into the parenthood thing, the co-sleeping thing went out the door. I quickly figured out it just wasn't for us. We moved her into the crib in her own room and she has been a great sleeper ever since. More and more, though, I am realizing what a different baby Katherine is and this morning I brought her to bed with me. We both slept a solid 3 hours and I woke up feeling like a different person. I can't decide now what I want to do. I am tempted to bring her to bed tonight, if for no other reason than to get a good night's sleep and try and get out of this deep, dark, black funk that I'm in. On the other hand, my general motto with kids is to start as you intend to finish. In other words, I have this real fear that if I let Katherine in my bed at this point, she'll still be there when she's 20. I know it's an irrational fear but since when are depressed people rational?

I did a fair amount of carrying G around in the Baby Bjorn when she was small. I am definitely doing it more with Katherine. She just does not like to be put down.

On that note, someone just woke up and wants feeding.

One of those days

2007-05-17T16:46:00.000-04:00

Last night I had to take a Benadryl to ward off the start of a sinus thing. I hesitated to take it because Katherine was having one of "those" nights where she decided to be fussy and wake up every half hour. By 8am this morning I felt like a train had run over me. Probably should have stayed home and slept but we had promised Gracie we would go do something fun so we did. By lunch time I was still tired but felt like I might make it through the day. We got home and put Gracie in her room for her "rest" and I fed and changed Katherine and then laid down for mine. 10 minutes later Katherine was crying again so we repeated the feed. I laid down again. 10 minutes later J's phone rang (he had it set at full volume) which woke everyone up. I went back to sleep for about 10 minutes when Katherine woke up again. At that point I totally gave up on a nap. I fed Katherine and put her in her swing and proceeded to clean up G's play room, a project I have been wanting to tackle for some time now. Of course, an hour later Katherine was still sleeping peacefully and G was ready to get up but by golly I have a clean play room now. Here's hoping that both my sinuses and Katherine behave themselves tonight and let me get some sleep. J leaves this evening to go back to work for 4 days. Here comes the true test of single-parenting a toddler and infant!

3 Weeks

2007-05-15T13:40:00.000-04:00

My best friend left last night after a great visit and I am really missing her today. The first day she was here she took my two and her 4 year old to the park and I got to take a nap. I truly thought I wasn't all that tired until I woke up and realized how hard I had slept. I took a nap every day after that! The next day she cleaned my house. She swept, mopped, vacuumed, and cleaned all the bathrooms and the kitchen. I'm not a neat freak but I do like things clean and tidy. I can't tell you how much better I felt to walk around in a clean house. The next day she spent cooking. Every time I go to the basement now I open my chest freezer and just gaze inside. I have enough food to last me at least 2 months. Plus she brought me some of her favorite recipe books with easy casseroles marked for when I start cooking again. The other two days she was here we spent just having fun and getting me out and about. I was sad to see her go.

In other news, my bathroom claims that I only have 6 pounds to go to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Where all those extra pounds went I have no idea. I feel like I've been on a non-stop eating binge for the last 3 weeks. Nearly everyone who brought food also brought some sort of desert so it's not like I haven't been indulging in chocolate cake. I'm already wearing a lot of my regular skirts which didn't happen with Gracie until she was 3 months old. I'm not complaining, mind you; I just really wonder where it all went. Maybe when I start exercising in a couple of weeks I can actually lose that 5-10# that I wanted to lose before I got pregnant!

I talked with my friend a little about post-partum depression. After she had her 4th child she got pretty severe PPD. She swears by St. John's Wort; she said it took about 3 weeks but when it kicked in it cured her of the worst of the symptoms. I've been doing a little research and am leaning towards trying it. I want to discuss it with my midwife and get her take. Have any of you had any experience with it or know someone who does?

2 Weeks

2007-05-08T09:41:00.000-04:00

Yesterday my baby turned 2 weeks old. It was also her official due date. Wow - it really does seem like she's been here longer!

My doula came yesterday for a post-partum visit. She brought gifts for the baby and Gracie and also a nicely printed birth story for me. Since she got there just as Katherine was crowning, I was curious to see how she would make a birth story out of it. She did a really good job and wrote in the form of a letter from her to the baby and it was really nicely done.

Physically I am feeling pretty darn good these days. I'm still taking it pretty easy. The only bad thing is that I am either starting to get a yeast infection or one of my stitches is getting a little infected. Yesterday I started taking acidophilus in earnest and today it seems to be a bit better, so maybe I've headed it off at the pass. In retrospect, with all the high-powered antibiotics I was on in the hospital, I should have started the acidophilus as soon as I got home.

Emotionally I am also doing pretty well. It's been a week since my last "episode" (as J calls them, the attack of the aliens) and I'm happy about that. There have been a few times that I felt like I would succumb to another episode of depression but I have been able to quickly get on top of it, which tells me that they are not nearly as bad as I've had in the past.

Katherine continues to have her days and nights mixed up. The really strange thing is that I'm not more physically exhausted. Last night I got in bed about 11 and she woke up just shy of every two hours. But she's only awake for about 20 minutes and then I'm back in bed. I got up around 8 this morning feeling tired but not as exhausted as you would think. Still, I'll be ready for an afternoon nap!

This is going to be my first full day alone with both girls. J left at 5 this morning to work on his airplane with some friends. He has a function to attend tonight so he probably won't be home till well after Gracie's bedtime. But my fridge is stocked with food and the house is reasonably clean so all I have to worry about is taking care of the three of us. I am even entertaining the notion of taking us all to have lunch in the park. I mean, if I'm on my own I might as well do it up big!

My best friend arrives here on Thursday and I am so looking forward to it. I am mainly anticipating having conversation time with another adult. I think that right now for me is even more important than getting sleep in terms of heading off the depression.

Self-Worth

2007-05-06T16:02:00.000-04:00

I loved this article titled:
Stay-at-home mom’s work worth $138,095
Annual amount she’d earn as a housekeeper, cook and psychologist
I liked the concept of the article, not so much for the dollar amount (like anyone is actually going to send me a paycheck for what I do) but for the list of all the jobs that we as Moms do. I think the job list applies whether you work at home or outside of it. For a while now I have entertained the thought of adding a section to my resume for these years of staying at home and list all the various things I do. I mean, it's a valid job, right? And a lot of what I do at home would directly transfer over to a job situation, such as organizing and managing and teaching. Now excuse me while I go wipe the puke off my glasses and change a dirty diaper. And figure out how that translates to resume experience.

Change in tactics

2007-05-05T20:01:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about what to do with this blog. According to the title, I should have closed up shop with my BFP last year. I know a lot of you who read and follow my story are in your own struggle to TTC which makes me think maybe I should end it here. But I find that blogging really helps me sort out things and makes things somewhat clearer for me. I have a sneaking suspicion that it will be a good tool in my battle against the post-partum depression that I can't help but believe is coming. So I've decided to keep the blog and unapologetically change the focus to the ins and outs of raising my two beautiful girls. I'm keeping my blogroll up to date and I will be following all the stories that I have for the past almost 2 years. I hope someone out there will continue to benefit from my journey.

If my little Gracie had been as good a baby as Katherine, I would have ordered up at least 2 more just like her. Granted, she's still got her days and nights mixed up. But the only time she cries is when she's hungry or trying to burb. She's content to sit in the swing or the pak-n-play or even lay on the bathroom floor while I shower. I am probably jinxing things but so far she is just a really good, laid back kid.

Gracie, on the other hand..... I knew having a sibling would be tough on her. I knew it would take me time to recover and that other people would have to give her the attention she was used to and that it wouldn't be the amount she was used to. Over the past almost two weeks I've made lots of excuses for her. Today, however, was my breaking point and at the end of the day I finally admitted to J the inevitable truth: we've got a royal brat on our hands. I told him no more excuses for the situation. It is what it is and she needs to learn to accept it. Obviously our approach so far has not helped. Time for Mama to get mean. No, not mean. Strict.

I've always watched with a certain amount of trepidation some parent-child encounters. You know what I mean; you've seen them too.
Mom: stop that
kid: [continues]
Mom: stop that or I'm going to [spank, timeout, whatever]
kid: [continues]
Mom: you really need to stop that
ad infinitum
Today I realized that I was in a loop like that with Gracie. No wonder she turned into a spoiled brat overnight. She can do whatever she likes with no consequences and she's determined to take full advantage of it. No more. Tomorrow is a whole new day and a whole new Mama. Poor kid.

In other news, my stitches seem to be healing. At least, they're itching like heck. I didn't have stitches with G but I'm assuming the itching is normal. Physically I feel almost normal, if a little sleep deprived. But not terribly sleep-deprived; nothing that an afternoon nap can't cure. If only G hadn't just given hers up. Today I took one anyway and put a movie on for her. I came down two hours later to discover that she had been at my desk and ate a chunk out of my glue stick. Yep. Ate it. I think I should be more worried about what's in my child's stomach and if I hadn't told her at least a million and one times not to touch anything there I might be more concerned. She seemed mightily pleased with herself to be telling me she ate it. I almost wish it had glued her mouth shut for a while.

Busy Day

2007-05-04T17:14:00.000-04:00

Let's see... woke up this morning and had breakfast. Showered. Had fast food lunch at the park and hung out there for almost 2 hours soaking up the sun and taking a bit of a nap. Came home and sat around all afternoon. And guess what? I'm exhausted! Last night J took Katherine and I got a 3 hour stretch of sleep. What luxury. I guess tonight will probably be my night and I'm rather dreading it. She wakes up at night every hour to hour and a half. Considering that feedings take 20-30 minutes, I don't get much sleep in between. When I went through this with G, it seemed like eternity stretched before me and I often felt like I would never again get a good nights' sleep and that really contributed to the depression. This time around I know there's an end in sight. I'm hoping Katherine will be as good a sleeper as G and have a solid schedule by 12 months.

Speaking of sleep, I've given up on G's afternoon nap. The last few days I put her in her room about 2pm and she will play until about 4:30 or so. Then she falls asleep and wants to sleep till 6pm or later and she's really grumpy. Since I never seem to catch her before she actually falls asleep too late, I've decided to just forgo the nap and see how that goes. So much for afternoon alone time! I find I'm looking forward already to the start of preschool when I can hopefully have some morning alone time!

A post about food

2007-05-02T19:11:00.000-04:00

Katherine went for a weigh-in today and I'm happy to report that she is now one ounce over her birth weight. My SIL says that babies don't usually get back to their birth weight until closer to 2 weeks. So that made me very, very happy. Apparently she is getting more milk than I think.

I am getting help this week in the form of meals from my Mothers of Preschoolers group. I would never have guessed what a huge help that would be. Someone brings something every other day around dinner time and the off days we have plenty of leftovers. The only other pressing chore that absolutely has to get done is laundry and J and I are working that out pretty well. Oh, and I have also left all the dishes to him to do and he hasn't complained about that once! Anything else in the house is basically just not getting done but I'm trying not to lose any sleep over it!

Thanks for all the encouraging comments about my depression. Last night was a black episode and J is now calling it the attack of my aliens. I suppose it is rather like being possessed. My doula called the other day to check up on me and immediately she asked me how I was handling my depression; apparently it was that evident from my voice. She has pointed me in the direction of some local resources which I'll pursue as I am able to.

One Week

2007-04-30T11:27:00.000-04:00

I thought I would post a one week old picture. Physically I am feeling much better. My abdominal pain is gone and the swelling and pain of the stitches is minimal as long as I'm careful when I walk around. I'm in that in-between state where I feel like I could be doing things but I know it would set me back if I do too much. For now I am hanging out mostly upstairs and doing easy things like putting away a few pieces of laundry every now and then.

Emotionally, the depression is settling in much sooner than it did with G. Maybe because I'm just more aware of it this time around. J totally does not understand that you can't just smile your way out of depression and his being unable to understand what's going on with me makes him back off and keep his distance. One of the items on my to-do list is to start researching treatments for depression and their impact on nursing. I am definitely going to seek treatment this time around, sooner rather than later, but first I need to know what the options are and be informed.

Katherine is doing great. Breastfeeding still has me a little worried but she seems to be doing fine and my milk supply seems to be coming in okay. Nights are challenging because she just wants to be held all night. Days are easier because she is content in the swing or on the floor. I've figured out a technique of sleeping in the recliner with her at night that keeps her content and me reasonably well rested.

Things with G are much harder. I can tell that she is stressed and she acts up because of it, stressing me and causing me to sometimes take my frustrations out on her, creating a vicious cycle. Hopefully now that I am feeling a little better I will be able to spend more quality time with her. She did sleep much better last night so I'm holding out hope that we've hit the low point and it gets all better from here. She loves Katherine though and is always quick to give her a kiss or pay attention to her when she cries. J had something to do today so he took her to the sitter's. It's nice to have a bit of a break with just me and the baby!

The Aftermath

2007-04-28T15:38:00.000-04:00

Despite the quick timing, I'd have to say that, overall, my birthing experience was pretty good. The aftermath was not so good.

As soon as Katherine was born I put her to the breast and she sucked like a champ. I don't know how much time passed (maybe 15-20 minutes?) but at some point the midwife asked me to work on pushing out the placenta. Something about her tone of voice made me aware that things were, once again, not going exactly to plan. After a while of trying (there again, I don't know how long) the cord detached from the placenta. Not good. What happens next is not for the squeamish or faint of heart. Basically she had to reach up into the uterus and try a "manual extraction": she reached up in there and tried to detach it from the uterine lining and pull it out. Mine happened to be attached at the very top of the uterus. I am not exaggerating the following: she was in almost up to her elbow. Did I mention I got a second degree tear from the birth? This was not fun. In fact, it was much, much worse than any of the labor and delivery. After a while she said she was going to call in the OB on call because it was looking very much like I would require a D&C to get it out. Of course, in an effort to spare me surgery, the OB also tried a manual extraction. My doula didn't get to help out with labor but she was a huge help getting me through this.

In the end it was decided to do surgery. The midwife sat down with me and explained that there was a good chance I would end up requiring a hysterectomy. I guess when a placenta is stuck and they finally detach it, there is a very high risk of uncontrolled bleeding, in which case the only thing to do is remove the uterus. I told her I was fine with whatever they needed to do so long as I was around to raise my kids. In the recovery room the first thing they told me was that I did not need a hysterectomy and that everything was fine.

I'll spare you a blow by blow of the next few days. Suffice to say that everything was not really fine. Here's the OB's theory on what happened to me: In order to repair my septum they basically scraped tissue from the top of the uterus. I remember the fertility doc saying that it "thinned out" on the top right side quite a bit but shouldn't be a problem. When I got pregnant, the placenta attached to the scar tissue (which I understand is quite common). The placenta probably grew into the uterine wall a little too much, embedding itself in the scar tissue. When it finally detached, it left behind a small tear in the uterus and that tear allowed blood and air to escape up into my abdomen. It also left me severely anemic. A normal person has a hemoglobin level of 12-14. Within 12 hours after my delivery my hemoglobin was hovering around 7 and the next day it had dropped to 6. I agreed to a blood transfusion and within a day I was feeling like I might make it through the experience. Throughout my days in the hospital I had some pretty intense belly pain and was on some strong IV pain meds. I'm still pretty sore.

The thing I worried most about through all this is my ability to breastfeed. My milk is just now starting to come in but we have been lucky so far in that Katherine has not lost too much weight, nor is she showing anything but very, very mild signs of jaundice. My SIL (aka pediatrician) is not concerned at all and is not even suggesting I supplement her. I think it's going to work but that is still my biggest fear right now.

My second biggest fear is this hole in my uterus. The OB thinks that as the uterus shrinks down in size, the hole will seal itself off. As long as the uterus never stretches to pregnancy proportions again, the hole and corresponding weak area of scar tissue should never pose a problem. Theoretically. I am supposed to have a follow up appointment with him in about 3 weeks. I've been doing some serious thinking about whether or not I should just go ahead and have a hysterectomy once I'm all healed up from this ordeal. The whole situation makes preventing another pregnancy that much more vital and a hysterectomy would certainly solve that problem. Strange how this blog started with me wanting so desperately to get pregnant and now I'm worried about that very thing happening again.

Thanks for everyone's comments and well-wishes. I am still following all your blogs and will continue to follow the stories, hoping for a BFP for everyone.

The Birth Story

2007-04-27T18:25:00.000-04:00

This is going to be pretty short!

To recap a bit, at my 36w3d appt, I was already 3cm but not effaced. At my 37w3d appt, I was almost 4cm and 50% effaced. After that appointment I stopped having any contractions but I did start to lose my mucous plug. I felt great Thursday through Saturday. Sunday (37w6d) I woke up feeling just "off" and not so good. Around 10pm Sunday night I was sitting around talking to J and I realized that I was having mild back pain. I called my good friend Janet (a L&D nurse at the hospital) and warned her that things might be going to happen. I went ahead and went to bed, hoping to get a bit of sleep. At around 2:30am, after dozing off and on, I finally got up as the back pain was getting more intense and less bearable. At that point I was still not having any contractions.
I went in to my bathroom and got down on my hands and knees which immediately relieved the back pain. I stayed that way about half and hour when all of a sudden I realized that I was having contractions. I tried unsuccessfully to time them. In retrospect, it was impossible because they were coming right on top of each other, lasting probably a couple of minutes with maybe 30 seconds in between. Finally about 3:30 I called Janet again and she insisted I call the midwife. I know it sounds stupid but I was hesitant because I couldn't say how far apart my contractions were! So I paged her and called out for J to get up and get dressed. The details are a bit sketchy in my mind but between 3:30ish and about 4:15, I continued to labor and in between I got stuff together and J got ready too. He called some friends who live close by to come and stay with G. I also called my doula and said we were heading out to the hospital. I had to page my midwife several times before she actually got the page and it finally clicked in my head that we needed to head to the hospital sooner rather than later! We were in the car sometime around 4:15 and my midwife called on our way to the hospital. We got there several minutes later and pulled up at the ER entrance. I got in a wheelchair and my friend Janet met us on the way back to L&D. They got me in a bed and checked me and I was already 9cm. My midwife showed up and quickly got a gown on and checked me. She said I was almost 10cm with a little lip of cervix. I told her I had to push and she said to go for it. Within about 5 minutes of her arriving and with only 2 or 3 contractions, Katherine was born. My doula arrived just as I was crowning! J was on one side of me and Janet was on the other and that was about the only thing in my ideal birth plan that came to pass!

Did I mention that it was a very fast labor?! In retrospect, my labor with G was very similar. It started with my water breaking so I did all my laboring in the hospital, but once the contractions really started with her, she was born about 3 hours later.

If the story just ended there it would be perhaps a wonderful labor and delivery story. Unfortunately for me, it did not end there. Later on I'll post the drama of the aftermath.

We're Back!

2007-04-26T21:56:00.000-04:00

The Good: Katherine Hope made her appearance at 4:47am on Monday the 23rd of April. Birth story to follow. Katherine did great from the very beginning.

The Bad: A retained placenta meant an emergency D&C for me.

The Ugly: I passed out Monday evening and was having severe abdominal pain. A CT scan showed air and blood in my abdomen. It was finally determined that there was a small tear in my uterus. A blood transfusion Tuesday evening finally had me feeling like a human on Wednesday. We were able to come home today (Thursday).

Obviously there are lots of stories to be had from this week! I am healing but am severely anemic. We were oh so lucky that my uterus did not rupture and that I didn't have to have a hysterectomy for the retained placenta. But we are so much more lucky that all the drama happened to me and that my little Hope is perfect in every way. Here's a picture to tide you over until I can get all the details posted. Oh, she weighed 7 lb 9 oz and was 20" long.

37w6d Going and Going and Going

2007-04-22T19:18:00.000-04:00

I must have the energi.zer bunny of mucous plugs: ever since early yesterday morning it just keeps on coming out. I have read some women describe theirs as up to softball size when it comes out intact. I truly understand now how that can be. I'm beginning to wonder if mine was more basketball sized!

The last 3 days I have felt really good and yesterday I felt almost normal - like I wasn't pregnant at all. Today I have not been feeling well at all. My nether regions are very swollen and painful which I suppose is the varicose veins protesting all the walking and exercise ball sitting I've done over the last few days. I also took a nap today.... for 4 hours! Right now I am just counting the minutes till I can put G in bed and go back to bed myself. I have also been feeling somewhat nauseas and the back plumbing department is pretty loose (sorry - TMI!). Off and on today I've been having the very mild contractions again and a few Braxton Hicks. I can only hope that all this together adds up to an imminent labor. On the one hand I want to run around and get my house cleaned up but on the other I want to just sit and save up my energy. I will probably do some of both. I will try to update when there's something to update with!

37w5d

2007-04-21T09:45:00.000-04:00

At my midwife appointment week before last, when she checked me for the first time, it seemed to get things going. For the next 7 days I had mild contractions and lots of Braxton Hicks. Ever since I was checked this past week, nothing, nada, zip is going on! Every now and then I have a mild contraction but it's more like once or twice a day rather than an hour. The only positive thing that's happened since then is that I definitely lost part or all of my mucous plug this morning. Some women report it coming out in one big blob. That wasn't my experience; it was more like tons and tons and tons of fertile CM that just kept coming and coming and coming.... That was several hours ago and it's still coming. I still find it incredible that the cervix can be open and have all this stuff still lodged up there. I'm thinking maybe losing the plug is more related to cervical effacement than dilation: as the cervix basically goes away, this stuff has nowhere to lodge.

So, no real news to report. I have been doing as much walking as I can stand the last few days. Fortunately we are having beautiful spring weather here in central Ohio so G and I can go to the park. Usually my trips to the park are spent on the bench reading. Now I've been walking around in circles while G plays and she really doesn't know what to make of it! J is due home tonight and I'm really hoping that psychologically my body will feel ready to get off its break and "let go"! I'll try to keep posting here every few days with my status.

37w3d

2007-04-19T10:52:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning to see a small spot of blood on my pad and a little more when I wiped. I never thought the red stuff could be so exciting! When I told the midwife about it plus the fact that I have been having mild contractions all week, she said she wanted to check me again. Last week I was 3cm but not at all effaced. This week I'm almost 4cm and 50% effaced. She said she didn't feel my waters bulging so she doesn't think they'll break anytime soon but the Group B Strep makes it much more likely that the water will break before real labor sets in. She said she wouldn't be surprised if I delivered this weekend but it could be just as likely that it might be a week or two. But the good news is that I'm almost through the "latent" phase of labor. The active phase is 4-10cm. So I'm supposed to call her when the contractions are 5-6 minutes apart and are strong enough for me to have to stop what I'm doing. Or if my water breaks. She said if my water breaks at this point it would not be a big deal - it would probably be the thing to jump start real labor. So after all this time of hoping labor didn't start that way, I now find myself hoping that's what happens! J is off on a trip today and then plans to spend several days in Memphis working on some stuff. He assures me he's just a phone call and airplane ride away but I am so stressed that he might not make it in time.

So even with all this I find myself still waiting. But I am at least a little more hopeful that the wait might not be much longer.

37w2d

2007-04-18T08:54:00.000-04:00

I am so done being pregnant! I continue to have very mild contractions throughout the day. It's not that they hurt. Rather, they keep me on edge, wondering if/when they're going to turn into something more. To add to that, J was supposed to be off until Tuesday of next week but he accepted an assignment and leaves tonight and comes home tomorrow. I know it's an assignment he needs to take but I just have this niggling feeling that he's not going to be around for the birth.

As the baby gets bigger I find that her movements are much more uncomfortable. This morning she seems to have gotten a foot caught in my rib cage. Sounds cute until you're actually trying to get unstuck from that position.

Okay, enough wining! I spent a fair amount of time yesterday walking around. I find that my vulvular varicose veins don't bother me nearly as much since I stopped exercising regularly, so walking is actually an option now. I'm going to do more of it today.

37 Weeks: Home Stretch

2007-04-16T09:21:00.000-04:00

Wow! 37 weeks. It was a mere 7 weeks ago that I made a trip to L&D with mild contractions and all the angst of possible pre-term labor. Where has the time gone?! Someone told me the other day that my pregnancy has passed very quickly for them but it probably didn't seem that way to me. Looking at the day to day perspective, it seems to creep by. But if I think about where I've been, it seems so quick! It's been almost a year since May 1 of last year when I had my HSG that diagnosed my septum. May 26 of last year was when I had surgery to correct it. And now here I am, about to have the baby that resulted from all that. Wow!

My BH and contractions have really tapered off but this morning I'm having a lot more discharge. Every little sign and symptom gets paid a lot of attention! But, I've been informed by both my hubby and SIL that I'm not allowed to have the baby this week. SIL is off at a medical conference for the week. J wants to get a bunch of stuff done this week and out of the way. So I guess I'm supposed to just hold my breath and hope for the best! I promised them both that I wouldn't do anything to try and bring on labor this week.

36w6d Breastfeeding

2007-04-15T10:17:00.000-04:00

One day to go to that magic 37 week mark! Yesterday my BH/contractions dropped off considerably. I'm starting to get more in the mindset that this baby is coming closer to her due date, despite walking around with a partially opened cervix.

The past several mornings I've woken up to quite firm breasts that feel really full of milk. If you've breastfed before, it's that feeling you get just before you're baby is ready to nurse: not quite painful but reminding you there's milk in there. It's rather exciting for me because breastfeeding is one of the things I'm really looking forward to with this baby. My experience breastfeeding G was absolutely wonderful but abruptly cut off by an illness (mine) when she was 11 months old.

Previously I had thought that I wouldn't try to pump and freeze. I pumped a little with G but it was such a hassle. This time I signed up with the formula makers to get free samples and I figured I would just use those the few times someone else kept the new baby. Now that I have the deep freezer, though, I decided to think more about freezing. If you have breastfeeding questions, I've always found the Kelly Mom website to be really good. In particular, this page has information about how long you can freeze breast milk. In a deep freeze at 0 degrees, it will freeze 6-12 months. Wow! This means that I can freeze along the way in the early months and have plenty of supplies when she gets to the point where I will leave her with someone else. So, I might pull out my pumping supplies after all.

36w5d Counting the "Symptoms"

2007-04-14T12:47:00.000-04:00

Ever since the internal on Thursday, I feel like I am right on the brink of going into labor. Right there but not quite! Both evenings/nights since then I've had lots of Braxton-Hicks, interspersed with very mild contractions. Nothing to count or time or anything. But they're definitely there. Yesterday and today I have had a definite increase in cervical mucous. It's much thicker than before and almost brown-tinged. I assume this is my mucus plug breaking up, although it seems to me that at 3cm, whatever was in there surely would have come out by now. But what do I know? Last night a number of times I would feel her kicking at the top of my uterus and I could actually feel the corresponding pressure of her head on my cervix. A few times it was actually quite painful. Today I've been feeling more mild contractions than the BH but still nothing that makes me stop and want to time them.

So, lots of symptoms to obsess over but nothing definite. J is on a trip until Monday. One of his flights on Monday is a special exam that he really doesn't want to miss as it is the last step in him getting sort of a promotion (and corresponding raise!). While I'd like for him to get that out of the way before the baby comes, on the other hand I'm having a hard time imagining these BH/contractions going on for days on end. Time will tell......

36w3d: 3cm!

2007-04-12T11:28:00.000-04:00

Yep, the midwife checked me this morning and I'm already 3cm! I have been debating whether or not I would ask her to go ahead and check but she beat me to it and said she'd like to as she likes to have a "baseline" around 36-37 weeks. She asked if I was feeling lower pressure and I said definitely, and I even feel like sometimes she's going to fall out when I stand up. She said my cervix is still pretty long so there is no effacement yet; but she said it's quite common on subsequent babies for the cervix to efface while it dilates. So the bottom line is that I still don't really know anything yet. I could walk around like this for a few more weeks or labor could be imminent. We'll just have to wait and see. The last few days I've been feeling an increase in crampiness which I take to be Braxton Hicks but are obviously doing something down there. Let the waiting continue!