Surviving Your Single Daughter's Pregnancy

Strategies for parenting teens

2009-07-09T09:08:00.004-04:00

The National Fatherhood Initiative offers a few tips to help parents survive the teen years.

1) Remember that raising your kids is a journey, and that the teen years will end. Focus on growing your teens into responsible, mature adults. What skills does your pregnant teen daughter need to learn in order to face the challenges of being a mother? What guidance does she need in order to consider making an adoption plan for her child?

2) "Recognize individuality. Take time to get to know your teen and his quirks, interests, and moods and feelings. Recognize the individual she is and praise her unique qualities. The teen years are full of stress and insecurity, and your child needs your affirmation." Look for ways to praise your pregnant daughter when she makes good choices and demonstrates good behaviors now, even though her previous choices and behaviors were not so great. Find a way to encourage her character, not just her actions.

3) "Seek To Understand. Look at the magazines your teen is reading, the shows she is watching, and meet his friends. Taking note of your teen's world will help you understand what he/she is going through." The more involved you are with your teen, the better your relationship will be and the more likely that your teens will talk to you about problems before they become a huge mess.

4) Listen. Ask your kids about their hopes, dreams and interests. Help your pregnant daughter brainstorm on how she can reach her dreams. Would an adoption plan help her to refocus on her interests and finish her education?

5) "Love. Always look for the potential in your kids and let them know that you love them." You do not have to approve of all your daughter's actions in order to tell her that you love her. Let her know that she has potential for the future and help her examine choices that will lead her toward that potential.

Abortion impacts future parenting

2009-07-08T09:41:00.003-04:00

The Elliot Institute News (vol 8, no 8) ran an article titled "Abortion has greater impact on parenting than other forms of pregnancy loss, new review finds." This article summarizes the findings of a study (performed by Priscilla Coleman of Bowling Green University) published in "Current Women's Health Reviews". This research study "focused on psychological reactions to these various types of loss and discussed how they might affect a mother's relationship with children born after the pregnancy loss."

"It is now known that women usually begin feeling maternal attachment in the early stages of pregnancy." Ask your pregnant daughter if she has begun feeling attachment to her child in her womb.

The paper notes that despite the increased responsibilities and stress involved in raising children, "numerous studies have documented positive psychological characteristics associated with motherhood including increases in life satisfaction, self-esteem, empathy, restraint, flexibility and resourcefulness in coping, and assertiveness." Losing a child before or at birth, for any reason, however, "can be a profound source of suffering."

Examining your own motherhood, have you found that being a mother has increased your life satisfaction? Your self-esteem? Your empathy? Your restraint? Your flexibility and resourcefulness in coping? Your assertiveness? Have you lost a child before or at birth for any reason, including abortion? Did you find this loss to be a source of suffering? If you did suffer the loss of a child, would you prefer that your pregnant daughter receive the possible positive psychological benefits of motherhood or the possible suffering of child loss?

"While all forms of pregnancy loss can cause emotional distress that can impact future parenting, the available research indicates that emotional responses after induced abortion are more likely to go unresolved and to persist for a longer time period."

Why would that be true?

While "society understands that women who miscarry or relinquish a child through adoption may experience sadness and grief; however, grief after socially sanctioned because abortion is not acknowledged by our culture as a human death experience," and help to deal with the experience is usually not offered. ... Finding help and support after abortion is further hampered by the belief that, unlike other forms of pregnancy loss, abortion is optional and therefore women experience less distress afterwards.

Having an abortion is "sometimes quite inconsistent with the woman's true desires" (one survey found that 64 percent of American women who had abortions reported feeling pressured to abort), and many women, especially those who feel conflicted or didn't want the abortion, do feel emotional distress afterwards.

Ask your daughter to be honest with you... does she really want to abort her child? Is she feeling conflicted? Is she feeling pressured to abort?

"The best evidence regarding negative effects of abortion indicates that 20-30 percent will experience serious psychological problems," Coleman wrote. "With 1.3 million U.S. abortions performed annually, a minimum of 130,000 new cases of abortion-related mental health problems appear each year."

And while abortion advocates frequently argue that abortion is better than carrying
an unplanned pregnancy to term, the evidence suggests otherwise.

Studies of women with unplanned pregnancies found that women who aborted had higher risks of depression, substance abuse and anxiety, and teens who aborted an unintended pregnancy were more likely to experience negative mental health outcomes than their peers who carried to term. Further, a recent New Zealand study led by a pro-choice researcher found no evidence that abortion provided any mental health benefits to women even in cases of unplanned pregnancy.

Many times, a pregnant woman will say that she is choosing abortion because she wants to be a parent later in life instead of now. The research study describes "a number of ways that a previous abortion can effect a woman's relationship" with the children she gives birth to later at some point after the abortion.

1) Increased depression and anxiety. Abortion has been linked to higher rates of maternal depression and anxiety before and after birth, which may effect the woman's relationship with her children. In addition, depression is a common predictor for child abuse.

2) Sleep disorders and disturbances. Women who have had an abortion are more likely to experience sleep disorders compared to women who carry to term, and one survey found that many women attributed the sleep disorders to a past abortion. These sleep disturbances "could render the high energy demands of parenting more complicated."

3) Substance abuse. Studies have found that women who had an abortion were more likely to engage in substance abuse, and also more likely to smoke or use drugs or alcohol while pregnant. Mothers who abuse drugs or alcohol are more likely to "engage in authoritarian and punitive parenting practices," and parental substance abuse increases the risk that the children will suffer abuse or neglect.

4) Child abuse. Abortion has been associated with lower emotional support for one's children and with a higher risk of child abuse and neglect.
Abortion has also been linked to higher rates of suicide and to a wide range of mental health disorders. Coleman was also the lead author of a study published in The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, which found that the children of women who had abortions have less supportive home environments and more
behavioral problems than children of women without a history of abortion. [2]

While the review noted that not every woman may experience psychological problems after abortion that will carry over into their personal relationships, "some women will have carryover effects into the parenting realm." The paper pointed to a need for better screening and awareness of possible psychological problems after miscarriage, adoption and abortion, and for more research to examine the effects of abortion.

Citations

1. PK Coleman, "The Psychological Pain of Perinatal Loss and Subsequent Parenting Risks: Could Induced Abortion Be More Problematic Than Other Forms of Loss," Current Women's Health Issues 5: 88-99, 2009.
2. PK Coleman, DC Reardon, JR Cougle, “Substance use among pregnant women in the context of previous reproductive loss and desire for current pregnancy,” British Journal of Health Psychology 10: 255-268, 2005.

If you or your pregnant daughter are considering aborting her child, take the time to research the possible physical, emotional and spiritual risks that are associated with this action... not only risks to her own well-being but risks to her future children as well.

Pregnancy and diabetes

2009-07-07T09:02:00.002-04:00

USA Today had an article "Expectant mothers with diabetes face risky challenge" (by Mary Brophy Marcus) that talks about the challenges of pregnancy and diabetes.

"Almost five out of every 1,000 women ages 18 to 44 have diabetes, according to the CDC. Most have Type 2 diabetes, which is linked to obesity."

If your pregnant daughter had diabetes before she became pregnant, you will hear her doctors use the term "pre-gestational diabetes". If she develops diabetes during pregnancy, you will hear the term "gestational diabetes." Most pregnant women are tested for gestational diabetes around the 28th week of pregnancy. About 4% of pregnant women will develop diabetes during pregnancy.

Diabetes during pregnancy "raises the risk of miscarriage, delivery complications, maternal health problems and birth defects" so make sure that your pregnant daughter gets medical attention as soon as possible during her pregnancy.

Your pregnant daughter may be referred to an endocrinologist, who will run a simple blood test called A1C. This test gives an average blood glucose reading over the last 2-3 months. "In June (2009), Diabetes Care published a study by University of Southern Denmark researchers who found that the risk of serious outcomes increased gradually when A1C levels were above 6.9%. Adverse outcomes doubled when A1C's reached 10.3%, and readings 10.4% or greater quadrupled risks."

So what can your pregnant daughter do? Keep her weight under control. Keep her blood sugar under control. Eat a careful healthy diet as directed by her doctor. Exercise as directed by her doctor. Carefully take any medications prescribed by her doctors.

Teen Sex: The Parent Factor

2009-07-06T10:51:00.003-04:00

An article called "Teen Sex: The Parent Factor" by Christine Kim has some interesting statistics to discuss with your teens. The article has lots of references, so be sure to take a look at it!

"About 7% of high school students report having had sex before the age of 13." Ask your teen how old they were when they first had sex.
"By 9th grade, 1/3 of high school students have engaged in sexual activity"
"By 12th grade, 2/3" of high school students have engaged in sexual activity. Note to your teen that even at the end of high school, NOT everyone has had sex!
60% of these teens who have had sex regret their first experience and wish they had waited longer. Ask your teens if they regret their sexual experiences. Do they wish they had waited longer? When would they have considered the ideal time to first have sex? How can they make plans to now abstain from sex until they are married?
"Those who begin sexual activity at age 13 are twice as likely" get a sexually transmitted disease compared to those who remain sexually abstinent during their teen years. Has your teen been checked for sexually transmitted diseases? Do they know that some STDs may not have symptoms?
"Nearly 40% of girls who begin sexual activity at ages 13 or 14 will give birth outside marriage, compared to 9% of those who remain abstinent until their early twenties."
"Among women in their thirties, those who were sexually active during early adolescence are half as likely to be in stable marriages as those who waited until their early twenties to have sex." Is marriage important to your teens? If so, talk to them about waiting to have sex until they are married so that their marriage will have a better chance at success.
90% of parents believe they have had a "helpful conversation about delaying sex and avoiding pregnancy" with their teens. But only 71% of teens report having this conversation. Find ways to have small conversations about sex and values often instead of one big talk. Watch for opportunities based on the news, TV shows, music, and other events like prom.
"In a study of 700 teens in Philadelphia, 58% of teens reported being sexually active, while only 1/3 of their mothers believed they were." Have you directly asked your teens if they are sexually active? What activities do you include in this... for example, many young teens mistakenly believe that oral sex is not sexual activity. So be specific in your questions and conversations!
"Parental factors that appear to offer strong protection against the onset of early sexual activity include an intact family structure; parents' disapproval of adolescent sex; teens' sense of belonging to and satisfaction with their families; parental monitoring; and, to a lesser extent, parent-child communication about teen sex and its consequences." If your family is not intact (you are a single parent), then you'll have to take extra steps to influence your teens. Have you specifically told your kids that you do not approve of sex outside of marriage? Do you monitor your kids (where they are, what they are doing there, who they are with)? How can you improve your kids' satisfaction with the family?

The article gives a few tips on what parents can do: First, avoid sending ambiguous and mixed messages about teen sex. For example, if you don't approve of teen sex then do not say things such as "Don't have sex, but if you do you should use birth control". This is an ambiguous message. Be specific and direct in your statements, and express your values. Focus your sex talks on morals and values - simply discussing physiology and contraceptives is not enough. Strengthen your relationship with your kids by eating meals together more often, and being present when they listen to music or watch TV so that you can discuss it with them. Know where your kids are when out of school, and have rules about their behavior along with appropriate consequences.

Five Myths on Fathers and Family

2009-06-29T08:00:00.004-04:00

The National Review recently ran an article titled "Five Myths on Fathers and Family" by W. Bradford Wilcox (a professor of sociology at the University of Virginia). Here are a few interesting tidbits from that article.

1) The 'Mr. Mom' Surge is a myth. America has 22.5 million married familes with children under the age of 15. Less than 1% of these had a stay-at-home dad in 2008, but 24% had a stay-at-home mom.

What does your single-and-pregnant daughter envision for her role as mother? Does she desire to be a stay-at-home mom?

2) Myth: Women want everything 50/50. While married mothers do want fathers to contribute to housework and childcare, most do not insist on 50/50 because they count his full-time job as a contribution to the household. "A 2007 Pew Research Center study found that only 20% of mothers with children under 18 wanted to work full-time, compared with 72% of fathers with children under 18."

Does your single-and-pregnant daughter desire to work full-time, or would she prefer to work only part-time or not at all? If the baby's father will be involved in raising their child, what expectations does she have about his contributions to childcare and support? Does the baby's father desire to work full time?

3) Myth: Marriage is just a piece of paper. "Experts now estimate that about 40% of American children will spend some time in a cohabiting household, either because they are born into such a household or because one of their parents cohabits after a breakup. ... On average, cohabiting fathers do not compare with married fathers. As Sandra Hofferth of the University of Maryland and Kermyt Anderson of the University of Oklahoma found in a recent study, married fathers are significantly more involved and affectionate with their children than are cohabiting fathers. In fact, from their research, they conclude 'that marriage per se confers advantage in terms of father involvement above and beyond the characteristics of the fathers themselves.' Married fathers are also much more likely than their cohabiting peers to stick around. One recent study by Wendy Manning at Bowling Green State and Pamela Smock at the University of Michigan found that 50% of children born to cohabiting parents saw their parents break up by age five; by comparison, only 15% of children born to married parents saw their parents divorce by age five. Dad is much more likely to stick around if he has a wedding ring on his finger."

Paul Amato's research summarizes results that cohabiting parents tend to "have less education, earn less income, report poorer relationship quality, and experience more mental health problems" than parents who are married.

Talk to your single-and-pregnant daughter about this research. Does she want her child's father to stick around? If so, what is keeping them from getting married?

4) Myth: Divorce doesn't hurt children; single-parenting doesn't hurt children. "According to research by Sara McLanahan of Princeton University and Paul Amato of Penn State, girls whose parents divorce are about twice as likely to drop out of high school, to become pregnant as teenagers, and to suffer from psychological problems such as depression and thoughts of suicide. Girls whose parents divorce are also much more likely to divorce later in life."

In Amato's article in "The Future of Children", he points out that children born to single parents "reach adulthood with less education, earn less income, have lower occupational status, and are more likely to be idle (that is, not employed and not in school), are more likely to have a nonmarital birth (among daughters), have more troubled marriages, experience higher rates of divorce, and report more symptoms of depression" than children raised in a two-parent family.

Sara McLanahan and Gary Sandefur "found that 31% of youth with divorced parents dropped out of high school, compared with 37% of youth born outside marriage," compared to 13% of youth whose parents were continuously married. "Similarly, 33% of daughters with divorced parents had a teen birth, compared to 37% of daughters born outside marriage" and 11% of daughters with continuously married parents. "Other studies that have compared offspring in these two groups yield similar results with respect to occupational attainment, earned income, depression, and the risk of seeing one's own marriage end in divorce."

Does your single-and-pregnant daughter plan to marry the baby's father before the child is born? or at all? A father-figure is very important in the development of children. The statistics above indicate that children with married parents are less likely to have problems. They also indicate that children do a little better in a divorced family than in a single-parent family. What does your daughter think about these statistics? Do they encourage her to get married or to examine an adoption plan so her child can be raised by married parents?

5) Myth: Dads are dispensable. "Children typically do better in an intact, married families with their fathers than they do in families headed by single mothers."

"Fathers bring distinctive talents to the parenting enterprise. The work of psychologist Ross Parke, for instance, indicates that fathers are more likely than mothers to engage their children in vigorous physical play (e.g., roughhousing), to challenge their children — including their daughters — to embrace life’s challenges, and to be firm disciplinarians."

"Not surprisingly, children benefit from being exposed to the distinctive paternal style. Sociologist David Eggebeen has shown, for instance, that teenagers are significantly less likely to suffer from depression and delinquency when they have involved and affectionate fathers, even after controlling for the quality of their relationship with their mother. In his words, “What these analyses clearly show is that mothers and fathers both make vital contributions to adolescent well-being.”"

"Linda Carroll at MSNBC has written an incisive story showing that involved and affectionate fathers play a crucial role in steering their daughters away from early sexual activity; in fact, it turns out that dads are more important than moms in protecting their teenage daughters from early sex."

Who will play the role of father-figure for your daughter's child? If no one is able or willing to make this commitment, she should consider making an adoption plan that involves a married couple.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?", "Should they marry?", "Teen marriage success", "The importance of a father", "Should she parent alone?", "Should we adopt the baby?", and "Should she make an adoption plan" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Father facts

2009-06-26T08:00:00.002-04:00

Father Facts 5 from the National Fatherhood Initiative lists these items as some relevant facts about the importance of fathers:

In America, 24.35 million children (33.5 percent) live absent their biological father.
Source: Krieder, Rose M. and Jason Fields. Living Arrangements of Children: 2001. Current Population Reports, P70-104. Table 1. Washington, D.C.: US Census Bureau, 2005.

Child Abuse: Using data from 1000 students tracked from seventh or eighth grade in 1988 through high school in 1992, researchers determined that only 3.2 percent of the boys and girls who were raised with both biological parents had a history of maltreatment. However, a full 18.6 percent of those in other family situations had been maltreated.
Source: Smith, Carolyn and Terence P. Thornberry. “The Relationship Between Childhood Maltreatment and Adolescent Involvement inDelinquency.” Criminology, 33 (1995): 451-479.

Poverty: In 1997, 65% of poor children lived in households that did not include their biological fathers, compared to 25% of children who were not poor.
Source: Feeley, Theresa J. “Low Income Noncustodial Fathers: A Child Advocate’s Guide to Helping Them Contribute to the Support of Their Children.” National Association of Child Advocates Issue Brief, National Association of Child Advocates, Washington, D.C., February, 2000.

Education: A study of 1,330 children from the Panel Survey of Income Dynamics showed that fathers who are involved on a personal level with their child’s schooling increases the likelihood of their child’s achievement. When fathers assume a positive role in their child’s education, students feel a positive impact.
Source: McBride, Brent A., Sarah K. Schoppe-Sullivan, and Moon-Ho Ho. “The mediating role of fathers’ school involvement on student achievement.” Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology 26 (2005): 201-216.

Crime: Children raised in single-parent families and surrounded by children of single-parent families at school are at the greatest risk of delinquency.
Source: Anderson, Amy L. “Individual and contextual influences on delinquency: the role of the single-parent family.” Journal of CriminalJustice, 30 (November 2002): 575-587.

Emotional and Behavioral Problems: A study using a nationally representative sample of 6,287 children ages 4-11 years old indicated that children in single-parent homes are more likely to experience emotional problems and use mental health services than children who live with both biological parents.
Source: Angel, Ronald J. and Jacqueline L. Angel. “Physical Comorbidity and Medical Care Use in Children with Emotional Problems.” Public Health Reports 111 (1996): 140-145.

Physical Health: A fathers’ body mass index (a measurement of the relative composition of fat and muscle mass in the human body) is directly related to a child’s activity level. In a study of 259 toddlers, more active children were more likely to have a father with a lower BMI than less active children.
Source: Finn, Kevin, Neil Johannsen, and Bonny Specker. “Factors associated with physical activity in preschool children.” The Journal of Pediatrics 140 (Jaary 2002): 81-85.

If the baby's father will not be involved in the life of your daughter's child, who will act as father figure for that child? If no one will commit to this role, your daughter should research adoption so that her child can benefit from having a father figure. You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Where does the baby's fahter belong in all this?", "Forgiving the baby's father", "The importance of a father", "Should she parent alone?", and "Should she make an adoption plan?" from our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Real Story: Mahogany

2009-06-25T08:00:00.002-04:00

ABC Primetime ran a series of articles featuring teen moms. This article is the story of Mahogany.

"Mahogany became pregnant between the eighth and ninth grades, and gave birth to her son Khaesyn just two weeks before her 15th birthday." Mahogany's mother was also a teen mother and had been raising Mahogany as a single mother. The father of Mahogany's child is only occassionally involved with his child. When Mahogany discovered she was pregnant at 14, she considered abortion, but her mother would not give her the permission she needed in her state of Kentucky. Mahogany is now glad that she didn't get an abortion.

Mahogany attends a special school program that provides educational, medical and daycare support services to the 320 girls enrolled. This program helps 96% of its teen moms to graduate from high school. Mahogany intended to go to college and she has a career goal.

What are your pregnant daughter's dreams for her education? Does she have a career goal? Would an adoption plan help her achieve her goals? You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Completing school", "Should she parent alone?", "Should we adopt the baby?", and "Should she make an adoption plan?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Free Webinar: Strategies for Parenting Teens - A Guide To Balanced Parenting

2009-06-24T10:01:00.002-04:00

The National Fatherhood Institute will be offering a free webinar on Thursday, June 25, 2pm-3pm Eastern Time. The topic is "Strategies for Parenting Teens - A Guide To Balanced Parenting"

Learn strategies for successfully balancing your life with your teen's, and for navigating the ups and downs of the teen years. This webinar will help you balance work and family priorities while developing and maintaining a healthy relationship with your teen(s).

The information on how to join the Webinar and to participate in the teleconference will be provided in a separate e-mail after you confirm your registration.

System Requirements
PC-based attendees Required: Windows® 2000, XP Home, XP Pro, 2003 Server, Vista
Macintosh®-based attendees Required: Mac OS® X 10.4 (Tiger®) or newer

Real Story: Hannah

2009-06-24T08:00:00.002-04:00

ABC Primetime ran a series of articles about teen moms. This article is the story of Hannah. Hannah was the homecoming queen, a cheerleader, played volleyball and was involved in lots of school activities. In the fall of her senior year of high school, she discovered she was pregnant after she and a friend went to buy a pregnancy test one night at a school basketball game. Hannah's first reaction was to cry and ask "What do I do?" When she told her boyfriend about the positive test, "he was surprised and he didn't take it well at all."

Hannah had a sonogram at about 7.5 weeks of pregnancy and discovered that she was carrying triplets. "As a church-going Christian whose faith is vitally important to her, she thought it was God's plan and never considered abortion. But at her next appointment, Hannah learned that one of the babies had stopped growing, and there would be just two babies, both girls."

The gossip at Hannah's school spread quickly. What gossip has your pregnant daughter faced as her pregnancy became known? Get her counseling help to deal with all the emotions she is facing.

Hannah's high school has about 20 pregnant students each year and has a support program to help the teen parents graduate. Does your pregnant daughter's school have a program to help her finish her education?

Hannah gave birth to her twin daughters two months early, but one of them died 12 days later. Help your daughter learn about premature birth and talk to her doctor to see if there are things your daughter should be doing to help minimize the risk of her child being born early.

Hannah is not in a relationship with her child's father currently, but he says he wants to be involved with his daughter as she grows up. Is your pregnant daughter still in a relationship with her child's father? How does he want to be involved in the life of his child? You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?", "Forgiving the baby's father", and "The importance of a father" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Real Story: Stephanie

2009-06-23T08:00:00.002-04:00

ABC News recently ran an article and video featuring Stephanie, a teen mom. Stephanie was a 15-year old cheerleading sophomore in high school when she got pregnant. When she was able to tell her mother that she was pregnant, her mother was angry and told her to leave the house. So Stephanie stayed with her sister for a few days. Her mother "eventually calmed down and allowed Stephanie to return home, under one condition: she had to do her own chores. The tasks would be a homework assignment in preparation for her new life as a mother." Her mother's "anger quickly giving way to grandmotherly adoration." With support from her family and from a school program for teen mothers, Stephanie graduated from high school.

Watch this video segment where Stephanie tells about her day as a teen mom.

What chores can your pregnant daughter who lives with you do around the house to prepare her for independent living as a parent? Does her school have any programs that can help her finish her education? You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Completing School" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Real Story: Monica Aramburu

2009-06-22T15:27:00.002-04:00

The Washingont Post ran an article titled "Breaking the Cycle" (by Michael Alison Chandler) which featured the story of Monica Aramburu.

Monica gave birth to her first child when she was in 8th grade, and her second child when she was in 12th grade.

Monica hopes to finish her high school diploma this summer. She has been going to school at a public high school (Bryant Alternative School) that has a special program for teen mothers.

The article says, "The Bryant program offers flexible schedules, parenting classes, mentoring, transportation and job counseling before and after graduation. Key to Bryant's success, Link said, is a partnership with the on-campus day-care center run by United Community Ministries."

Does your county have a program like this that could help your pregnant daughter finish her high school diploma?

Child care help

2009-06-19T06:00:00.000-04:00

If your pregnant daughter will need help finding child care so she can go to school or work after her child is born, your state may have a program available. The links below were valid as of June 2009.

Alabama - Child Care Subsidy

Alaska - Child Care Assistance Program

Arizona - DES Child Care

Arkansas - Child Care Assistance

California - Child Care Financial Assistance

Colorado - Child Care Assistance

Connecticut - Care 4 Kids program

Delaware - Child Care Services

Florida -

Georgia - Subsidized Child Care Assistance

Hawaii - Child Care Connection Hawaii

Idaho - Child Care Program

Illinois - Child Care Assistance Program

Iowa - Child Care Assistance

Kansas - Child Care Subsidy

Finishing college or graduate school

2009-06-18T08:00:00.002-04:00

Does your pregnant-and-single daughter need help so she can finish her college degree or graduate degree?

If so, take a look at "FinishedUp". Their website says:

The mission of Finished Up is to provide avenues for single mothers so that they may complete their undergraduate and graduate careers. To that end, Finished Up provides resources for housing, medical needs, childcare, counseling, spiritual growth and development, and other means of support throughout the specific college/university community so that women who make the decision to become mothers can begin to build a healthy life for their families while completing their degrees. Additionally each chapter of Finished Up will maintain a Pregnancy Resource Fund that will be sustained through various private party donations.

Researching Maternity Homes

2009-06-17T08:00:00.000-04:00

What are some reasons your pregnant daughter might consider a maternity home?

Potential abuse from the birthfather, the boyfriend, or others in her life
Pressure from the boyfriend or others to have an abortion
The need to allow "space" and time for the healing of family relationships
An unstable home life
Limited life skills and decision-making skills
The temptation of drug or alcohol abuse
The need to save money for housing and other needs

Each maternity home program is different. As you research maternity homes, find out what kind of housing they offer, what meals are provided, and what access they have to medical care, transportation, supervision, and counseling. Does the program offer education on communication techniques, household management, budgeting, and other life skills? Is there access to education or job training?

Here are a few other questions to ask each program:

How long has the ministry been in existence?
How long has the current staff been in place?
What are the age requirements, and what is the average age of residents?
Is it a family setting or an institutional setting?
What are the requirements for coming to the home?
What programs are offered, and what do they include?
What is the parenting-adoption ratio?
What follow-up services are available?
What sort of after-care is available?
You should also request references of families who were served by the maternity home.
Are pre-admission visits and tours available?
What are the house rules?

Information in this post was summarized from "Searching for Home Sweet Maternity Home" by Paula E. Smith, in the Spring 2002 "At The Center" magzine.

Twitter Updates

2009-06-16T17:51:00.000-04:00

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Depression and premature birth

2009-06-15T08:00:00.002-04:00

Babies born too early (premature birth), before the 37th week of pregnancy, are at risk for health problems. Researchers do not completely understand why some babies are born too early, but one recent study at the University of Washington indicates that if the the woman was depressed before pregnancy then she might be at risk to give birth too early.

"In the study 18.1 percent of the black women had a preterm birth compared to 8.5 percent of the white women." Researcher Amelia Gavin "believes the higher preterm birth rate among blacks may be the result of declining health over time among black women."

If your pregnant daughter was depressed before she became pregnant, learn with her about preterm labor and talk to her doctor to learn what your daughter can do to take good care of herself during her pregnancy.

Morning Sickness relief

2009-06-12T09:10:00.002-04:00

Results of a relatively large research study recently showed that an anti-nausea drug appears to be safe for use during pregnancy.

The Associated Press report says, "The Israeli study, led by researchers at Ben-Gurion University, included pregnant women enrolled in Israel's largest HMO from 1998 through 2007. It compared the health of newborns of 3,458 women who took metoclopramide, for as little as a week to more than three weeks, with 78,245 newborns of women who had not used it. Rates of problems were low and similar in both groups."

According to WebMD, metoclopramide is a pretty powerful anti-nausea drug ... it is used to help chemotherapy patients with their nausea. WebMD has several suggestions for dealing with morning sickness. If these types of home remedies are not working for your pregnant daughter, talk to her doctor about whether she should try metoclopramide.

"Let Go" by Sheila Walsh

2009-06-11T09:53:00.003-04:00

The focus of "Let Go" is on the various things that we need deliverance from.

Each chapter starts with Scripture and also relevant quotes, followed by a (often corny) story that is supposed to illustrate the point. Then the meat of the chapter begins. The chapters end with a summary, some discussion questions, and a prayer.

Chapters and topics include: "Fresh-baked grace for the spiritually hungry" (on legalism), "This dead religion is past its sell-by date" (on judging), "Living in the past", "Look at the view ahead!", "The trap of unforgiveness", "Don't play fair - it will set you free" (about how life isn't fair), "The trouble with temptation is that it's just so tempting", "Let go and live in Christ's victory", "Shame on you!", "Shame on Him", "You are you for a reason", "I was made for this" (about purpose), "Sometimes my life feels like a cliffhanger" (about fear and trust), "God will prove it's a love story" (you are loved and you are never alone), "We are what we believe we are?" (about self-hatred), "Table for two, please", "No light at the end of my tunnel" (about depression), "The million-watt megabulb of God's hope", and "A long-awaited deliverance."

Some quotes that were meaningful to me, with a comment or two on how they might relate to you today as you deal with your single daughter's pregnancy:

Why is forgiveness hard?
"Fear: 'What if I forgive and they do it again?'
Mistrust: 'I've heard it all before, and I don't believe they're really sorry.'
Pain: 'How can saying 'I forgive you' take away the deep wound inside?'
Bitterness: 'Nothing can change what happened to me.'"

Do you relate to these thoughts in regards to forgiving your single-and-pregnant daughter? Or the baby's father?

"Forgiveness means we surrender our right to know the outcome. That is hard. We want to know that if we forgive, then the person will be sorry and never hurt us again. When we forgive someone and he turns right around and does the same thing again, not only are we wounded afresh, but we feel so foolish."

"Another reason we struggle with forgiveness is because we have cheapened what forgiveness really is. There is an element of sentimentality among many in the evangelical church who would suggest forgiveness is easy and quick. People apply forgiveness like a Band-Aid over a wound, without recognizing the wound has to be addressed, acknowledged, grieved over, and owned before forgiveness can ever be real and lasting."

"We can only really forgive when we acknowledge the depth to which we have been wounded and allow ourselves to 'own' the pain. By 'own' the pain, I mean face the truth that we are wounded. It is tempting to slough pain away, denying we are hurt. It can be embarrassing to be wounded. We feel weak or out of control. So we ignore it."

What wounds are you feeling right now in relation to your single-and-pregnant daughter? Write them down, and try to be as specific as possible, expressing the depth to which you have been wounded. Read your list to God in prayer, ask Him to help you grieve over them. Part of the grieving process is acceptance and resolution... ask God to lead you toward those parts of the grief cycle.

"One of the greatest issues I see is self-hatred ... Many prefer to call it low self-esteem. But, really, what those feelings are is a rejection of who we are; we believe that at least part of us is unacceptable. What else can it be called but self-hatred? The fallout of self-hatred is isolation."

Do you feel self-hatred because you are feeling that you've failed as a parent?

"When we allow our brokenness to make our choices, we withhold who we are and what we have to give to one another. One of Satan's tricks is to keep us so obsessed with what we USED to believe or what USED to be true that we don't live in God's grace RIGHT NOW. ... It keeps us wallowing in the past, alone and defeated."

Are you allowing your brokenness to make choices in your daughter's pregnancy?

Sheila talks about Luke 19:10 "For the Son of Man came to find and restore the lost" and how 'lost' means 'broken beyond repair'. She says, "There have been moments in my life when I've thought, 'I'm not going to make it, Lord; I'm too broken, too despairing, too far gone.' I love this verse because it says to you and to me that if we feel that way we can take heart, because that's why Jesus came!"

Are you feeling broken? Despair? Take heart! Jesus came to find YOU and restore YOU.

"I was not put onto this earth to make myself happy. I was put here to learn to love and trust God and to let his love flow through me until we make it safely home."

As you and your pregnant daughter examine her options, make an effort to love your daughter, to love her child, and to trust God with this child she is carrying.

Researching Adoption

2009-06-10T09:22:00.002-04:00

Every woman who is pregnant and single should research adoption so that she can make a fully-educated choice about her parenting decision. When the baby has been crying all day, she can remind herself that she carefully made her decision, instead of saying to herself, "Why didn't I look at adoption too?"

There are many, many adoption agencies out there. Careful research will require you to talk to someone at the agency and ask questions like these:

How does the agency select the adoptive parents that they represent?
Is effective counseling offered to the birthparents both before and after the adoption?
What birthparent expenses does the State allow the adopting couple to pay? How does the agency ensure that these expenses are paid?
What happens if a birthparent changes their mind?
Does the agency embrace or facilitate open adoption?
What is the cost of adoption to the adoptive parents?
How is the governing board of directors selected, and who are the board members?
What is the agency's perspective on adoption by single parents or same-sex couples?
Get references from adoptive parents who have been clients of the agency, as well as birthparents.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Should she make an adoption plan?" and "Should we adopt the baby?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Pregnancy Weight Gain

2009-06-09T08:44:00.004-04:00

New weight-gain guidelines were released recently. Be sure your pregnant daughter talks to her doctor to find out how much pregnancy weight she should gain during each trimester. Research together how she can eat good food that will benefit her growing baby.

The press release from the Institute of Medicine says:
"Healthy American women at a normal weight for their height (BMI of 18.5 to 24.9) should gain 25 to 35 pounds during pregnancy, the new guidelines state.

Underweight women (BMI less than 18.5) should gain more, 28 to 40 pounds.

Overweight women (BMI of 25 to 29.9) should gain less, 15 to 25 pounds.

Obese women (BMI greater than 30) should limit their gain to 11 to 20 pounds."

"For mothers, the ramifications of excess weight gain include increased chances of retaining extra pounds after birth or needing a Caesarean section;

for children the risks include being born preterm or larger than normal with extra fat.

Each of these consequences increases the chances for subsequent health problems -- such as heart disease and diabetes in the case of extra weight, and impaired development in the case of premature birth.

At the same time, adding too few pounds during pregnancy increases risks for stunted fetal growth and preterm delivery."

Some benefits of adoption

2009-06-04T11:49:00.002-04:00

I believe that every unmarried pregnant woman should research adoption in addition to her research on parenting. That way, no matter what she chooses, she can remind herself when things are tough that she carefully looked at all her options. She won't be able to say "I wish someone had told me about _______."

An article from a few years ago, titled "Benefits of Adoption" summarized a few results of a research study by the Search Institute on 700 families, 12-18 years after they adopted a child. Here are some of the results:

Adopted adolescents’ self-esteem was as high or higher than their peers.
Adopted adolescents are as deeply attached to their adoptive parents as their siblings who were not adopted.
95% of the parents said they had a very strong attachment to their adopted child.
How many parents were divorced or separated? Only 11%. This compared to 28% of a cross-section nationally.
75% of adopted adolescents are psychologically healthy.
Adopted adolescents report having as much support from family and friends as their non-adopted siblings have.

A different research study compared adopted children to children born out of wedlock and raised by a single mother; children raised by grandparents without their biologic parents; and children who live with both of their biologic parents.

Adopted children had superior home environments, more so than any of the other groups.
Adopted children were in better health than children living with unmarried mothers and those living with grandparents.
Access to medical care for adopted children was similar to children in intact families, and better than the others.
The numbers of adopted children repeating a grade, being suspended, or being expelled from school were the same as children in intact families, and their records were much better than children living with unmarried mothers or living with grandparents.

These studies indicate that adoption can be very beneficial for the child, perhaps even more beneficial than being raised by a single mom or being raised by the child's grandparents.

Does adoption benefit the birthmother, your pregnant daughter?

There’s a study from Planned Parenthood’s Family Planning Perspectives of 270 unwed mothers. It reported that those young mothers who chose adoption had considerably more favorable social, economic and educational outcomes than did those who chose to parent as single parents.

Comparing the two groups, the study showed that those who chose adoption were:

More likely to finish vocational training and more likely to have educational aspirations.
More likely to delay marriage and considerably less likely to have another out-of-wedlock pregnancy.
More likely to be employed six to twelve months after giving birth and, across the board, almost all had higher household incomes.

Another study at Columbia University of over 400 pregnant teenagers checked them at six months and again at four years after giving birth. Again, those who chose adoption fared much better than single mothers. In this study, mothers who chose adoption were:

More likely to complete high school;
more likely to attend college;
more likely to have higher educational aspirations;
more likelyto be employed six months and four years after giving birth;
and more likely to be married.
They were less likely to be on welfare.
There were fewer of them who were cohabiting and fewer who had another out-of-wedlock pregnancy.
Those who chose adoption were more likely to have greater overall satisfaction with their lives, including satisfaction with theirwork, finances and relationship with their partners.
Finally, mothers who chose adoption were more likely to be optimistic about their own future. And, among this group, there were fewer women sufferingfrom depression.

In summary, unwed mothers who carried their babies to term and placed them in loving arms for adoption scored higher, with greater satisfaction and with greater social stability on almost every level, that is, in comparison to the young mothers who kept their babies and proceeded to raise them as single mothers.

Neither adoption nor single parenting are easy! Neither choice always turns out perfectly either. You will rapidly find that everyone has a strong opinion about what road your pregnant daughter should choose. But each option should be researched fully, because each pregnant woman's situation is different. Several times in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy", we ask the parents of the pregnant woman and the woman herself to make comparison lists of the pros and cons of all her options: abortion, adoption, single parenting, and married parenting. As part of your research on these options, you may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should they marry?", "Should she parent alone?", "Should we adopt the baby?", and "Should she make an adoption plan?".

5 Life Roles of a Teenage Mother

2009-06-02T09:15:00.004-04:00

Your pregnant teen daughter needs your help with the five roles she is juggling. Your local pregnancy help center may have classes that can help your daughter with the information she needs.

1) Teenager. "Teenage mothers think and act like teenagers. Just like any other teenager, they can be self-centered and may find it difficult to plan for the future. ... Boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, getting along with parents, and what to do after high school."

2) Mother. "Our society views motherhood as something special. We believe mothers should provide security and stability for their children. A mother must sacrifice many of her own wants and desires for the benefit of her child. But most teens have not reached this level of maturity. Teenage mothers may want to be good mothers but lack parenting skills (information on nutrition, child discipline, and other topics that will help teenage mothers rear and provide for their children)."

3) Student. "Finishing high school is a critical step toward independence for the teen mom."

4) Employee. "Many believe that it would be best if the mothers did not work and instead spent the majority of their time with their children. While this may be the ideal situation, the fact remains that many teenage mothers must work in order to provide for their children. In order to help those mothers who will need to work, ...cover such topics as: how to find quality childcare, how to dress for a job interview, how to interview for a job, and how to become a reliable and valued employee."

5) Seeker. "Finally, most teenage mothers are either unsaved or have wandered away from Christ. The primary problem for these teen moms is spiritual, even though they may not realize it at first. The teenage mother must be reconciled to Christ before she can experience the healing that comes from forgiveness and find the new purpose and direction she needs."

The information in this post is summarized from an article titled "The Five Life Roles of a Teenage Mother" by Christa March, in "At the Center" magazine, Winter 2004.

We discuss some of this information in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy". You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Supporting my daughter as she makes decisions", "The pregnancy resource center", "Completing school", and "Our hope for the next five years".

Olympic Hero Tasha Danvers-Smith

2009-06-01T07:49:00.004-04:00

Tasha Danvers-Smith was one of Britain’s most promising prospects for bringing home the gold medal in the 400-meter hurdles at the 2004 summer Olympics. She had recently married her trainer, Darrell Smith, and life was good...except that she discovered she was pregnant.

All of a sudden, Tasha’s world was turned upside down! The pressure to have an abortion was enormous, and Tasha admitted that she briefly considered it. She was the breadwinner of the family. Continuing the pregnancy would jeopardize their financial well-being. Not only that, the winners of Olympic gold frequently receive lucrative endorsement offers. These generate large amounts of income for the athlete. By having the baby, she and Darrell would be giving up a lot. In spite of the pressures, abortion didn’t linger in Tasha’s mind very long. She kept thinking of Matthew 16:26, “What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?” Tasha and Darrell knew a gold medal wasn’t worth their souls, and it wasn’t worth the life of their baby. They decided against abortion. (Life Issues Connector, July 2004)

Tasha was heavily criticised for choosing life for her baby instead of abortion so that she could compete in the Olympics. Her son was born in December, 2004, and Tasha resumed training for the Olympics.

Fast forward to the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing, China. Tasha once again was competing against the best in the world in the 400 meter hurdles event. On August 20, 2008 she ran her personal best to claim the bronze medal! With this tremendous victory, Tasha has demonstrated to women the world over that they don’t have to sacrifice their unborn children to fulfill their dreams. Tasha’s three-year-old son, Jaden, was an inspiration to her Olympic goals. The very thing critics said would destroy and derail her hopes was central to helping her fulfill them. (Lifelines)

What dreams and goals will be delayed because of your daughter's pregnancy? Would choosing a family to raise her child via adoption be a good option for her? Talk with your daughter about creating a plan that can get her back on track to meet her goals after her child is born. You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Where will we be in a year?", "Our hope for the next five years", "Beauty from ashes", and "Should she make an adoption plan?" from our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

The connection between marriage and children

2009-05-28T08:00:00.004-04:00

A recent BreakPoint commentary titled "An Unhappy Trend" summarized some recent statistics from the CDC:

40% of American babies born in 2007 were born to unmarried mothers.
Compare this 40% to the statistic for 2002, when 34% of American babies were born to unmarried mothers.
In 2007, only 23% of out-of-wedlock births were to unmarried teenagers.
In 2007, 77% of out-of-wedlock births were to women in their 20s and 30s.
In 2007, 60% of all births to unmarried women were to women in their 20s.
In 2007, 17% of all births to unmarried women were to women in their 30s.

The commentary looks at how marriage and childbearing have been separated from each other.

Marriage is no longer seen as an institution whose ends have a communal, as well as personal, purpose. Instead, it is an expression of private affection whose ends are almost entirely about personal fulfillment. Thus, getting married is increasingly something you do after the rest of your life is arranged to your satisfaction. You go to school, find a job, get established in your career, and then you think about getting married. As a result, the average age when people first get married has risen by five years since 1970. But while our ideas about marriage have changed, our natures haven’t. One thing that Christians and dyed-in-the-wool Darwinists can agree on is that we are driven to reproduce ourselves. With a few exceptions, no matter how successful we might be, many feel that if we leave no descendants behind, all the striving is beside the point. What’s more, our biology doesn’t care about our sense of personal fulfillment. A woman’s most fertile period is her late teens to early 30s—precisely the time when young people are going to school and getting established in their careers. Thus, the longer we put off marriage, the more difficult it will be to fulfill one of our most fundamental instincts—have a child. Throw in the complications of meeting “Mr. Right,” getting to know him, and deciding that he’s the person you want to marry, and the “ticking clock” begins to sound like Big Ben.
So it seems that more and more women have decided to have children while they still can, regardless of their marital status.

Talk to your single-and-pregnant daughter about these statistics and this commentary. What does she think the purpose of marriage is? How does marriage fit into her plans for the future? What were you raised to believe about the purpose and timing of marriage? How do you feel now that your daughter is pregnant outside of marriage? You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should they get married?", "The importance of a father", and "Single moms and church" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" (which can be helpful even if your single-and-pregnant daughter is not a teenager).

Survey delves into high birth rate for young Latinas

2009-05-27T08:00:00.005-04:00

A recent article on CNN was titled "Survey delves into high birth rate for young Latinas" and says that "Latinas now have the highest teen birth rate among all ethnic and racial groups in the United States." The article listed several statistics:

53% of Latinas get pregnant in their teens, about twice the national average.
84% of Latino teens and 91% of Latino parents believe that graduating from college or having a career is the most important goal for a teen's future.
"In 2007, the birth rate among non-Hispanic whites ages 15 to 19 was 27.2 per 1,000, and 64.3 per 1,000 for non-Hispanic black teens in the same age range. The teen birth rate among Hispanic teens ages 15 to 19 was 81.7 per 1,000."
"Of the 759 Latino teens surveyed, 49 percent said their parents most influenced their decisions about sex, compared with 14 percent who cited friends. Three percent cited religious leaders, 2 percent teachers and 2 percent the media."
"74 percent of Latino teens believe that parents send one message about sex to their sons and a different message altogether to their daughters, possibly related to the Latino value of machismo."
"72 percent of sexually experienced teens say they wish they had waited."
"34 percent of Latino teens believe that being a teen parent would prevent them from reaching their goals, but 47 percent say being a teen parent would simply delay them from reaching their goals."
"76 percent said it is important to be married before starting a family."
69% of Latino teen moms drop out of high school.

Talk to your pregnant daughter about these statistics. Does she believe that graduation from college is an important goal for her life? Who does she think most influences her decisions about sex: you (her parents), friends, religious leaders, teachers, or the media? Does she feel that you send her one message about sex but a different message to her brothers? Does she wish she had waited to have sex? Does she think that being a mother will prevent her from reaching her goals, or simply delay her goals?

You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Who is the pregnant single mother?" and "Completing school" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".