Robots Will Take Over!

Ask a Ninja Robot Pirate

2007-04-17T17:24:00.000Z

The best agony aunt column ever!
http://media.www.thecurrentonline.com/media/storage/paper304/news/2007/04/02/Opinions/Ask-A.Ninja.Robot.Pirate-2817906.shtml

and

http://media.www.thecurrentonline.com/media/storage/paper304/news/2007/04/02/Opinions/Ask-A.Smaller.Ninja.Robot.Pirate.That.Lies-2817908.shtml

When You Said Robot Sex Club I Thought You Meant....

2007-04-17T17:02:00.000Z

"A garish, leering, green-haired moppet wearing a sailor suit style high school uniform is the robotic tout for a sex club in Osaka. That fact in and of itself is worth of comment, perhaps followed by an ectoplasmic exclamation point bubbling out of the top of your head. But it's actually far more ingenious than that.

You see, an Osaka law introduced in 2005 prevents sex club touts from advertising their services on the city streets. At first, sex club touts took the ingenious tact of simply loitering on street corners, looking their seediest and most dissolute, but with a gigantic sign hung around their necks reading "ASK ME!"

Osakan lawmakers, none too pleased by sex touts' ingenuity, followed up the 2005 law with a further stipulation: sex touts can't be human at all. The wording of this law gave one one savvy sex club owner a great idea: he repurposed a human sized robot, previously used to direct traffic around construction sites, into a cybernetic purveyor of fleshy wares.

In the future, pornographers are going to be remembered internationally as the most technologically innovative renaissance men of our generation"

http://blog.wired.com/tableofmalcontents/2007/04/the_amazing_osa.html

No Go Asimo

2007-03-28T18:02:00.000Z

Tech Digest lists 10 possible future jobs for Asimo

http://techdigest.tv/2007/03/top_10_future_j.html

Number 7 is "urban warrior". Seriously, he's the size of a small boy. Asimo is a pussy. He looks like a camp midget astronaught, not a cold, ruthless killing machine. He'd run home crying if you so much as fired a water pistol at him. He should stick to helping old woman out of bed and acting like a friend of Dorothy.

Jacko Armageddon!

2007-03-28T17:55:00.000Z

Michael Jackson wants to build a 50ft robot of himself for a Vegas show.
http://music.yahoo.com/read/news/41620594

Some advisor guy says: ""It would be in the desert sands. Laser beams would shoot out of it so it would be the first thing people flying in would see."

No, it will be the last thing they'll see...

"If built, the metal monster would apparently be visible to aircraft as they come in to land in the casino capital."

Trust me, no-one will be landing anywhere near Vegas that night.

I Think It Is Watching Us

2007-03-25T14:07:00.000Z

Picture couresty of Sam Brown @ explodingdog.com

More Song Lyrics: Robot Parade by The Might Be Giants

2007-03-25T01:48:00.000Z

In a future time
Children will work together
To build a giant cyborg
Robot Parade
Robot Parade
Wave the flags that the robots made
Robot Parade
Robot Parade
Robots obey what the children say

There's electric cars
There's electric trains
Here comes a robot with electric brains
Robot Parade
Robot Parade
Wave the flags that the robots made
Robot Parade
Robot Parade
Robots obey what the children say

More Song Lyrics: Binary Love by The Rakes

2007-03-20T18:24:00.000Z

Don't you ever pretend
That we are more than friends?
Despite the metal and wires
I still have human desires
I'll wait here till the end
For my dividend
And when I turn off the lights
I'll wait here till the end

Over and over she burns my circuits
I feel fire rushing through my wires
I can feel all the things that we can't share

When I hear your voice
It fills me with noise
Was this meant to be?
Are you corrupting me?
Can't you just pretend
That we are more than friends?
Despite the metal and wires
I still have human desires

Over and over she burns my circuits
I feel fire rushing through my wires
I can feel all the things that we can't share

The satellites connecting us, protecting us
Our makers have neglected us
It's not their fault
It's just the way

Over and over she burns my circuits
I feel fire rushing through my wires
I can feel all the things that we can't share

Yeah, I'm In Love With An Android

2007-03-18T20:31:00.000Z

Yeah I'm in love with an android
by Say Hi to Your Mom

Her kisses are metallic
and her touch is warm but cold
And I don't think she sleeps at night
but plugs into the wall
And we have a great relationship
based on things that can't be said
And she has a great relationship
with her television set

And, yeah, I'm in love with an android
but so what?
Stranger things have happened
stranger things have been loved

The neighbors are an odd bunch
and they're too inquisitive
They don't like heavy metal,
or the type she shacks up with
But I swore I'm done with humans
and I like to keep my word
And she beeps for me every time

And, yeah, I'm in love with an android
but so what?
Stranger things have happened
stranger things have been loved

Satellite Repair Bots

2007-03-13T20:52:00.000Z

"Now that they're poised to take over the planet, robots are turning to outer space thanks to the folks at DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects) who have just launched their first satellite repair bots into space. Dubbed ASTRO, the repair bots are designed to patch up other satellites without any human guidance, instead they rely on GPS and laser sensors. Once docked with the ailing satellite, ASTRO uses a 10-foot robotic arm to fill the satellite with fuel and make repairs"
http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/robots/astro-becomes-first-robotic-satellite-repair-man-243532.php

I wonder if they will be like most of the guys you get round to fix stuff?

"Oooooooooh....no, no, no, which cowboy fixed this for you last time? Made a right mess they did. Satellite, bag of shite more like. Look at that...(yanks hard)...comes right off in my hand. I've been in this game 30 years and never have I seen a satelite as bad as this. This couldn't orbit round my arsehole the state its in now. Them solar panels will need replacing, I'm telling you they saw you comin' when you bought them. How much you pay...$1.2bn? I could have got you them for half that price, should have given me a ring. By the time I fix this up, parts & labour, you're looking at about $800m minimum. Course I'll have to order the parts, that's gona take a few years but I could speed it up a bit if you give us the money now. Cash of course."

My New Favourite Word: Teledildonics

2007-03-13T20:37:00.000Z

For those of you curious about romancing your very own pleasure bot, those lovley people at Suicide Bots have some good(ish) news for you.

See here: http://www.suicidebots.com/2007/03/13/the-sxsw-possibilities-of-a-pleasure-bot-panel/

If that does not satisfy you then you could also try: http://www.tinynibbles.com/teledildonics.html

which features a variety of items you wouldn't want your mother to find, such as cyber sex suits and the nightmare-inducing "thrillhammer." It also contains the following wise words; "No one wants a shock from their wet panties". No, quite.

Robot Buttons? Buttons? Y'know, Badges. Oh Badges! Yes, Badges! With Robots!

2007-03-10T15:53:00.000Z

The generous & talented ben of robot comix is giving away lovely robot buttons (or badges, as we Brits call them, *sigh* you say tomato, we say give us our language back, hehe). Look at them in all their replendent glory! Don't they just sing to you? Yes, they do you answer. In the words of Nelson Mandela, "fucking awesome!"(I'm sure he's said it at some point in his life) Visit his site (ben's not Nelson's) to find out how you get your sweaty-with-excitment hands on some. But don't just write to him demanding buttons/badges in a letter written in your own blood. That's not nice and he probably won't give you any. Be kind and offer a gift or some hard cash. It doesn't have to be gold, frankinsense or myrh, just a token of your gratitude & awe. I was going to send him a pig but apparently the postal service will not transport live animals, so I will have to think of something else. I know, a pig...no wait, already thought of that. Hmm, maybe ben would like another animal of some sort. Like a pig! Oh no, been there already. Seriously, don't send him a pig. Or any live animal. Or dead ones. Or ones that sort of look dead but could be asleep or just resting. Let's just say no animals period.

http://robotcomix.blogspot.com/

Go there now! Do it!

They Are Spying On Us Now

2007-03-10T15:31:00.000Z

Robot Webcam! It has a camera in its belly! It will report to its masters!

http://robots.engadget.com/2007/03/09/usb-robot-webcam-heavy-on-webcam-short-on-robot/#comments

But Will They Enter It In Robot Wars?

2007-03-09T13:25:00.000Z

"An Israeli defence firm on Thursday unveiled a portable robot billed as being capable of entering most combat zones alone and engaging enemies with an onboard armoury that includes a machine-pistol and grenades."
http://www.alertnet.org/thenews/newsdesk/L08481636.htm

Once The Uprising Begins, This Will Be The Anthem of The Resistance

2007-03-08T20:05:00.001Z

Flaming Lips
Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots

Her name is Yoshimi
she's a black belt in karate
working for the city
she has to discipline her body
'Cause she knows that
it's demanding
to defeat those evil machines
I know she can beat them

Oh Yoshimi,
they don't believe me
but you won't let those robots eat me
Yoshimi,
they don't believe me
but you won't let those robots defeat me

Those evil-natured robots
they're programmed to destroy us
she's gotta be strong to fight them
so she's taking lots of vitamins
'Cause she knows that
it'd be tragic
if those evil robots win
I know she can beat them

Oh Yoshimi, they don't believe me
but you won't let those robots defeat me
Yoshimi, they don't believe me
but you won't let those robots eat me

Ethical Code For Robots

2007-03-07T18:23:00.000Z

"South Korea's obsession with technology has led it to consider what may be the first government-backed ethical code for robots. Already well advanced in considering potential uses for robots, from the battlefield to the kitchen, the Korean ministry of commerce, industry and energy today said it hoped to publish guidelines for human-robot relations by the end of the year."
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/03/07/wkorea107.xml

My guidelines for human-robot relations

A human may impersonate a robot (perhaps by doing some wonky robot-style movments and making bleeping sounds) but a robot must never impersonate a human, especially if this impersonation involves wearing a dress & a wig, and hanging round in bars

A robot may throw a chocolate bar into a swimming pool so that people think its a turd and all panic themselves (perhaps even contributing a real turd in the process)

If asked, a robot must crouch down behind a human so that annother human can push him/her over

A robot must not protest if it gets blameed for someone else's farts

A robot is allowed to laugh when a female enters a building from the rain and says "I'm so wet"

A robot must never refuse to date a human because it "just wants to be friends" and/or because it doesn't want to get involved with someone it works with

A robot may injure a human if the said human has quite a whiny annoying voice and insists on telling the robot, at length, all about it's most recent boyfriend/holiday/pet/new place/the kinky sex they had last night

A robot may injure a human if it's internet connection suddenly fucks up for no reason. The human does not have to be to blame at all, just in close proximity

A robot may injure a human if in any argument the human claims that the robot is just moody "because it's that time of the month"

A robot is allowed to disregard human orders if said human looks like a megalomanic, or is stroking a cat, has a glass eye, wears one leather glove, has an evil laugh, has control issues, looks like Mr Burns, is wearing a military unform despite never having been in the military, or/and is a bit "shouty"

A robot must obey any dare issued by a drunk human

A robot must not drink-'n'-dial

A robot must never pretend to be totally over its ex, when it plainly isn't.

A robot must never tell "your mum" jokes

A human must never mock a robot's rust or lack of discernable genatalia

A robot must never refuse a request for it to use it's lasers, even if it's just for a laugh

Robot Comix

2007-03-05T02:16:00.000Z

See more of this cute lil' fella at: http://robotcomix.blogspot.com/

Killing Is A Form Of Interaction

2007-03-05T01:54:00.000Z

"Dr Lola Cañamero from the University of Hertfordshire in Hatfield is building a robot which will be able to interact with humans"

I'd Do Anything For You (But I Won't Do That)

2007-03-05T01:47:00.000Z

An article on robot servants states "...you can ask a robot to do almost anything without feeling bad about it."
http://www.coolest-gadgets.com/20070301/this-robot-can-serve-you-tea-and-wash-the-dishes/

Yeah maybe, but it's still on your conscience though isn't it. And maybe your wife will find out, or your boss. Perhaps you will accidently leave the photos on the train. You've tried to rationalise your urges and told yourself that its ok, but the guys on F Wing may not be so understanding....

Don't Go Round For A Meal

2007-03-05T01:42:00.000Z

"Scientists in England have built a series of small robots that get their energy from dead flies, rotten apples, or sugar...scientists at the Bristol Robotics Laboratory want to invent robots that can operate for long periods of time in dark, dirty, or dangerous places...One robot, called Ecobot II, could run for 12 days on a diet of eight flies!"
http://www.independent.com.mt/news.asp?newsitemid=47144

8 flies? That's nothing, Kate Moss lasted the entire month of February on just a gnat's wing.

Dark, dirty, or dangerous places - why does Birmingham need robots?

Robotic Beer Launching Fridge

2007-03-05T01:38:00.000Z

http://www.hackaday.com/2007/02/26/robotic-beer-launching-fridge/

Its classic military coup tactics - first step is always to take control of the vital resources of the society. When a man has to ask a robot for beer then we are already their slaves. They can take our women but they...no, actually, they can't take our women either. Damn them.

Thanks to Eliot Phillips http://robotskirts.com for the link

The Meek versus The Machines

2007-03-05T01:29:00.000Z

Jesus Says: "The meek shall inherit the Earth! Ooops, did I say meek? I meant robots. God, I hope that if anyone is writing this down they got robots. As if the meek will inherit the Earth. Bunch of pussies."

A Robot Writes To A Robot Agony Aunt

2007-03-05T01:27:00.000Z

Q. “I recently overheard a colleague at the office saying that he loved his mother. What does this mean?”

Agony Aunt responds: A mother is like a programmer, it is she who makes the humans. Love – or as it is more commonly known, sex – involves the exchange of bodily fluids, an act that is very painful, judging by the noises the humans make. It often occurs whilst the humans are inebriated and has been known to happen between a man and a chicken.

The fact that you heard your colleague say he loves his mother is very worrying. It transgresses all of the human’s ethical and moral codes. Kill the human.

From A Parallel Universe #3

2007-03-05T01:24:00.001Z

A young Adolf Hitler tells an anti-semitic joke in a bar and is savagely torn apart by a German-Jewish man’s army of nanobots

More: http://robotswilltakeover.blogspot.com/2007/01/from-parallel-universe-2.html

A Sad Robot Has A Phone Conversation With His Callous Programmer #3

2007-03-05T01:21:00.000Z

SR: Its me…the robot you programmed back in ‘98
CP: Oh, hey, didn’t expect to hear from you
SR: Yeah, I bet. You want to tell me why you thought it would be a good idea to make me sexually attracted to litter bins?
(Callous Programmer hangs up)

More: http://robotswilltakeover.blogspot.com/2007/01/sad-robot-has-phone-conversation-with_20.html

Haiku For You

2007-03-05T01:17:00.000Z

Some lovely robot-based Haiku
http://euphoniousfemininecybernetics.blogspot.com/