zero-chance.com blog

I am into champagne.

2009-04-10T22:05:00.003-04:00

So, I've been reading this on the train:

90% of the time, when reading it, I'm thinking about:

So somehow, in my screwed up brain, the FLDS church relates to a sweet story about a couple of people that try to cheat on each other but fail. I'm sure I can make the connection, but I'm only on my second beer.

(Apologies to Carolyn Jessop. The book is really good so far.)

2009-04-04T11:49:00.004-04:00

Songs that are on my wedding playlist despite being kind of inappropriate and/or will elicit "wtf?!" moments:

Stars - "Elevator Love Letter"

Hard and Phirm - "Pi"

Fannypack - "Cameltoe" (especially since it has the "how funky is your chicken?" cheer at the end of the song)

O-Zone - "Dragostea din Tei"

Sugarhill Gang - "Apache" (and I could only obtain the live version, which is like eight minutes long)

Both the Blondie version and Smashing Pumpkins cover of "Dreaming"

Both the Louis ~~Anderson~~ Armstrong and Joey Ramone versions of "What a Wonderful World" (the former has been ruined for me by "Bowling for Columbine")

"Que Sera Sera" - the one from Katamari Damacy ("I know you love me/I want to wad you up into my life/Let's roll up to be/A single star in the sky")

The Beach Boys - "God Only Knows" (which makes me think of plural marriage)

William Shatner - "Together"

2gether - "U + Me = Us (Calculus)"

Velvet Underground - "I'm Sticking With You" (which reminds me of Morvern Callar sawing up her dead boyfriend's body in the bathtub, which I cannot find a good clip of on Youtube, dammit)

My favorite activities do not involve defending the Catholic Church.

2009-03-11T14:46:00.002-04:00

Okay, I am taking a break from Jezebel. I pretty much stopped commenting a few months ago, and now I think I'm just done for awhile. I sent the comment mod this drawn out email about how it seems like the only group it's still okay to make horrible generalizations about is Catholics. I didn't even hear back. Every day it seems like there's another post with comments I find severely offensive that don't get moderated at all. The worst part about all of this is I actually had to defend the Church despite the fact that I have not been okay with the Church since 1996.

Okay, I'm just going to post what I wrote, because I don't feel like actually talking about it.

I really don't want to come off as whining or unreasonable, but I am really disheartened by the blatant anti-Catholic sentiment in the comments lately. I know you're making the effort, but its getting to the point where I just cannot read Jezebel anymore. It's not an issue of people politely disagreeing with Church doctrine -- I fully respect that -- but it seems like every three days there's at least one conversation that degrades from constructive discussion to flat-out hate. It's not even comments like, "oh, this archdiocese is doing a really boneheaded thing." It's like, "oh those Catholics, denying people basic human rights and raping young boys again." This is basically like saying, "Another suicide bomber? Oh those crazy Muslims!" And honestly, I don't think a comment like that would fly on Jezebel. So why is Catholic hate totally okay?

The Church has long been concerned with social justice, and I think it's unfair to make blanket statements against an entire religion and group of worshipers just because some of their leaders are out-of-touch. Just because something is happening in Brazil does not mean that all Catholics everywhere stand behind what one Cardinal says.

So yeah, saying something like,
"SHUT THE FUCK UP CHURCH JUST GO AWAY"
"Hey Catholicism, as far as your talk of murderers goes; it takes one to know one."
or calling the Church "evil corporation whose chief goal is self preservation and making money"
...is pretty disgusting to me. Even as an ex-Catholic. Especially when these statements come from people who don't even know what an Archdiocese is. I don't tell other religious groups to go fuck themselves; why can't the religion that I was raised in get the same respect?

Also, I apologize for the things I said about Descended Like Vultures. It's growing on me.

Someone remind me to write a Yelp review for Eye Q. I'm so happy with my new glasses.

Watchmen:

2009-03-09T09:16:00.002-04:00

My incredibly shallow analysis of Watchmen where I don't give a damn about spoilers because everyone either knows the plot or doesn't care to know the plot:

I thought Rorschach would be uglier. He was merely Hollywood ugly.

I thought Dan would be fatter. He was merely Hollywood fat.

I thought the Comedian would be less likable. I really felt conflicted. It was a good thing.

I didn't like the condensing/changing of Rorschach's backstory. I am really caught up on the fact that he didn't leave the child murderer in a burning building with a saw to cut off his hand.

But oh god Jackie Earle Haley was perfect.

WTF at Mickey from Seinfeld showing up.

Dr. Manhattan on Mars doesn't translate well to film, but I admire what Billy Crudup did with the character. And I'm kind of surprised that I didn't see him as "that kid in Almost Famous."

Reading the trivia section on IMDb is kind of heart attack-inducing. Especially lines like, "X was slated to do Y, but turned it down." Especially when X is Tom Cruise or Michael Bay.

The only sex scene I can think of that is more awkward than Dan and Laurie in Watchmen is in R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet.

No wedding updates for you!

2009-03-06T11:26:00.001-05:00

My brain has been foggy as all hell lately, so I apologize for the lack of updates. Here's a media I've consumed update:

I had a serious F____ you for being done! moment this morning after I'd finished Shannon Burke's Black Flies. Even though it had a couple of typos. And you should know that it takes a lot for me to like a book with editing problems.

Gang Leader for a Day was a great read. I'm going to go ahead and say that you're an idiot if you're reading the book for statistics or an objective view of life in the projects. This is basically a memoir. It's more like reading Garfinkle than Pareto. Fair warning: you may or may not want to stab someone when you think about all the stupid things Venkatesh does (intentionally leaving his research in his subject's home? really?).

World War Z was a little contrived. It had a stark realness to it, sure, but so much predictability in the worst way possible. I mean, we're talking about plot twists M Night Shyamalan would write. "The dispatcher that saved her life was actually her imagination!" "That guy in the mental hospital that's being interviewed about a guy actually is the guy!"

I've been listening to Maritime's We, the Vehicles a lot. The songs you should listen to first are "Parade of Punk Rock T-Shirts!" and "Tearing Up the Oxygen."

Rogue Wave's Descended Like Vultures is not as good as I thought it would be. I probably need to give it more of a chance though. Download "Love's Lost Guarantee" and you will be satisfied.

I got an Xbox 360 recently, so here are some mini(er) reviews:

Fable II: The main plot line ends in a really anticlimactic way. You can never be skinny if you want to have a good amount of health (my female hero did not have a neck despite existing solely on celery). I'm in the process of playing it through again without rushing.

Castle Crashers: ...is cute and fun!

Left 4 Dead: I am so bad at this game, but it's so much fun! I'm hoping I'll be a bit better once I get new glasses and maybe adjust the brightness a bit. I am sad that melee is not an effective way to kill zombies. I was expecting it to be like Halo where you can one-shot someone with a whack to the back of the head.

Rock Band 2: The adjustment from playing real drums to playing plastic drums is difficult. My hands are slow and stupid when it comes to regular guitar; the plastic guitar is no different. Maybe I should be playing lefty.

Thar be stressful.

2009-02-02T20:19:00.004-05:00

Facebook account is back. What an inconvenience to be without it for a week. WTB belated event invitations, please.

I think I'm bordering on a shopping addiction. I am so in love with this necklace and had to walk away from the computer when I realized I'd received my federal tax return back.

PMS + drinking + job I suck at = I wish I was unemployed crisis.

Why does the fan in my refrigerator make a weird noise every now and then?

Does someone want to do the flowers for my wedding for like $200? Why the hell should a vase with 5 daisies cost $60?

Bah. I wasn't your friend anyway.

2009-01-27T10:45:00.003-05:00

Apparently I cannot change my last name to Explosion when I get married because according to Facebook, it is a fake name. I made a half-assed appeal to get my account reactivated but it doesn't look good and I kind of stopped caring anyway, since I only used Facebook to check out pictures of events I'd been at. And then there's all that creepy stuff going on. And the breastfeeding overreaction thing.

For the record:

When I made the name change, there was never a warning anywhere that said "USE YOUR REAL NAME OR ELSE!" and it was never in the TOS when I originally signed up. Nothing ever said, "you will need a scan of your birth certificate to sign up."

Facebook has no qualms about stating whether or not you do indeed have a fake name. Not "we believe your name is fake," but rather "this name is fake." My current legal name could be accused of being fake, as it is the same name as a popular female model. And gods help you if you're like one of my unfortunate customers and your last name is a word for "ass." And your first name is a word for "vomit."

Facebook thought that "Blatcher" was a fake name.

Their complaint about "fake" names is "Facebook is built around real world interactions. Operating under an alias detracts from the value of the system as a whole." I listed my maiden name and changed my name to my future married name. Apparently I was still able to maintain "real world interactions" or whatever because both of my sisters and a couple of my cousins were able to find me using my current legal name just fine. Some people are better known by an alias or pseudonym than their legal name. Additionally, I find it funny that Facebook thinks that it has some sort of intrinsic value.

The other complaint about fake names is that they are apparently more likely to be abuses of the system (e.g.: spambots). I have been an active member of Facebook since it was made available to my college, and it is pretty obvious that I am a real person.

Both of my sisters are using "fake" names and are listed by their maiden names -- despite being married (and having legally changed their names).

So anyway, if I'm not on your friends list anymore, I didn't dump you as a friend. But uh, if you're from Emerson I probably wanted to.

Oh, and having the sniffles makes me grumpy.

2009-01-07T10:32:00.003-05:00

Things I hate right now:
1) The term "passed away." I've expounded on this before, I believe.
2) My job, because I'm realizing that it's making it totally impossible for me to find or go to a therapist.
3) Medicine, because apparently the only solution to my horrible death cramps is a higher dose of birth control (and I cannot trust myself to take a pill at the same time every day).

Things I love right now:
1) Rachel Maddow podcast of the entire show.
2) My new-ish boots, which keep my feet warm and dry without making me look hideous.
3) Finally watching the first season of 30 Rock, which may be the only (intentionally) funny show on television right now.

Resolutions:

2009-01-02T16:39:00.002-05:00

For 2009, I want to:
1) Stop biting my nails.
2) Get married.
3) Pack lunch for work 3x a week (or more!).
4) Meet a gnu.

Favorite presents this year:
1) Shirt promoting butter (and denouncing margarine).
2) KitchenAid mixer (in apple green -- can't wait to try out the ice cream maker attachment).
3) A gorgeous cast iron tea set.

Clearing a sidewalk of snow -- a few tips.

2008-12-19T12:50:00.001-05:00

WRONG!

WRONG!

RIGHT!

(who wants to buy me a real camera for Xmas?)

Abigail:Nabby::Erin:Nerry? (on John Adams, Boston accents and computer illiteracy)

2008-12-15T08:53:00.004-05:00

Translate this:

"Erin, I'm gonna send you something [email?] and I want you to save it. But not in yah sys-dum -- like in the ahh-kives or somethin'. It's eatin' up a lot of my email's memory. It's like 9 megs?"

Email received:
Erin:
can you please save this in the archives so if I need it I can get it latter.
Dad

In other news, I just finished watching John Adams (the miniseries). Though I found the series to be quite moving, John Adams will forever be played in my mind by Mr. Feeny. I feel like the series got a bit meta at times (John Adams really thought about his legacy that much? Really? And chastised people because they would remember history poorly?), but I guess that's difficult to avoid. "I [leave the country] because I love you" struck a chord with me (and I understand why Charles became an alcoholic). I love how Abigail was written and portrayed: exactly as the feminist she was. Is it wrong that I would probably prefer the miniseries to be about her instead?

I didn't really learn too much -- apparently growing up close to Boston means you learn a lot of revolutionary history, though it is a bit of hero worship at times. People don't know that John Adams defended the British soldiers implicated in the Boston Massacre? The vibe I got from the "making of" featurette gave me the impression that a lot of the information put forth in the miniseries was news to most Americans. It's also weird to watch the series while you're also in the middle of rereading A People's History of the United States; is John Adams a champion for human rights or just a rich asshole? The answer's probably somewhere in the middle.

What I gained from watching the series was a whole slew of new fears: surgery without anesthesia (amputation! mastectomy!), inoculation somewhere where it is not possible to just quietly inject a weakened strain of whatever sickness it-is-into my body, smallpox, Alexander Hamilton, becoming a vagrant alcoholic, the abbreviation of the name Abigail to "Nabby" (what? why? how?), having a coughing fit while I'm trying to obtain a great deal of money from another country's government officials, and being a total square while people talk about me in a language I don't understand.

As a sidenote, I don't understand why everyone makes Sam Adams out to be such a huge patriot -- as he apparently argued for the Riot Act, which effectively suspended Habeas Corpus and directly contradicted every word in the 1st Amendment (other than the religion part). I like to assume that this is why People's Repubik does not serve Sam Adams beer.

A heartfelt entreaty:

2008-12-02T10:24:00.004-05:00

It may as well be winter in New England right now, so I suppose it's about time to post my heartfelt entreaty. Winter is a difficult season for all commuters, no doubt, but the people who get the most screwed over by this season are pedestrians and cyclists.

These are the facts about you, the average commuter who rides in a car to work every morning:

You have the right to clear roads if it's not snowing an inch or more an hour.

Unless your car has serious problems, you are somewhere warm and your tender flesh is safe from snow, wind, freezing rain and other awful winter conditions.

No one yells, honks or otherwise gets pissed at you if you use the safest route to get to your destination.

Pedestrians and cyclists do not have it so well.

People shovel their sidewalks when they damn well please. In Massachusetts, you can be fined for not shoveling your sidewalk, but this either rarely happens, or is not enough of an incentive for property owners to break out the shovels.

There is no way to completely insulate yourself from the elements. Parts of your face are always exposed. Hoods interfere with peripheral vision.

Cyclists always get shit for riding in the street (where they legally have the right to be), regardless of the time of year. Bike lanes (where they do exist) tend to be full of snow and ice that was pushed aside for cars. Per item #1 in this list, pedestrians don't have anywhere safe to walk. Snow that isn't shoved freezes into a solid block of ice (footprints become wonderful little ankle-snapping holes), and even shoveled sidewalks become wet and freeze over due to melting snow. It is not safe to walk in the street, and forcing a pedestrian to walk on the shoulder of the road is unacceptable. And yet, I was forced to walk on the shoulder of a highway nearly every day last winter.

I therefore propose the following principles that are easy to incorporate into your day-to-day life:

Shovel your damn sidewalk. You should be doing this anyway. If you are unable to maintain the sidewalk in front of the property you own, you are responsible for hiring someone else to do it. If you can't afford to hire someone, then you surely cannot afford to pay a fine for not shoveling, and you certainly cannot afford a lawsuit if I break my leg on your property due to your negligence. Suck it up and throw $20 at the neighbor's kid. It would be really, really nice if you could scatter some sand at the bottom of your driveway if it is not level with the road. Ice accumulates here and slippery, unlevel surfaces are difficult to walk on.

Cut people a break. You move a hell of a lot faster than someone on a bike does, and even faster than someone who's walking. If there's snow on the ground, that means it's cold outside. You can wait another 10 seconds while someone crosses in front of your nice warm car.

See item #2. Give pedestrians the right of way, and respectfully share the road with your fellow vehicle users -- the cyclists. Additionally, keep your speed low when conditions are icy, so you don't hit someone in the crosswalk, or hit the guy on the bike just over the hill in front of you. You are supposed to do this anyway; this shouldn't be a modification of your habits. If I'm ice skating down the shoulder of the road because the town of Newton can't be bothered to clear their sidewalks, I already know I'm walking in the street. Once again, I know I'm in the street; you honking at me doesn't tell me anything I don't already know. Next time you see someone walking in the street, take a look at the sidewalk; reasonable people do not prefer to walk where they could get hit by a skidding car.

These three rules can be condensed into one rule:

Don't be an asshole.

The cave does not have Internet access.

2008-11-10T21:59:00.002-05:00

My theoretical child has a good chance of being stillborn or dying as a newborn. Good thing I'm never having kids anyway. And I'm too mentally unstable to ever be fit to adopt a child.

Do you ever wish that all parents were required to take a class before having kids? I mean, if agencies are so picky about choosing adoptive parents, why can't this country do something to prepare people who have the privilege to have their own biological children?

And if you don't have an answer to that question, how about this one: why can you only bring a folding bike on the green line, but you can bring the world's biggest stroller on at any time of the day, including rush hour when it takes me two hours to get to work because there is not enough room on the train?

Wedding dress shopping this Saturday. I'm nervous about it, to be perfectly honest. My dress has kind of been the symbol of me being completely and utterly unprepared to plan a wedding (the checklist The Knot has said I was supposed to order -- not search for, but actually order -- my dress over a month ago now). I'm not forward enough to pick up a phone or haggle on prices. I'm certainly not the type that likes to follow up on, well, anything. I think someone living in a cave in Siberia who communicates using only smoke signals would be a better wedding planner than I am.

well, some relief.

2008-11-05T13:36:00.004-05:00

Between
- finally relaxing after being nervous for at least a month,
- too much beer,
- too much junk food,
- not enough sleep,
- and being angry as all hell over Prop 8 in California

I feel seriously ill. I think I need a vacation to recuperate from election season.

I'm sooooo psyched (sarcasm) for the holidays with my family. It's like I managed to be related to or tangentially know the only conservative people in the entire state of Massachusetts, and they all enjoy picking fights.

In slightly related news, when I think about wedding planning, I want to crawl into bed and never get out again.

I hate my life.

2008-10-29T20:55:00.002-04:00

My insurance company is supposed to cover check ups 100% with no copay.

I went to Mt. Auburn's Center for Women to get my yearly, and they asked me to pay a copay. I was like, "well, whatever" and paid it. Then a month later, before I even got the goddamn results of my pap, my insurance company sends me this happy little piece of mail saying that they didn't pay for another $30 of my bill because of "non-covered services."

Okay, so I'm going to have to pay $60 total for an exam that should have cost me nothing.

Yesterday in the mail I received a bill from Mt. Auburn for $111. For an exam that should have been free. So now I'm up to $141.

Today, I finally get the results of my pap -- they didn't grab enough cells to test. So the pap that made me bleed for two fucking days, from the nurse practitioner that told me there was nothing wrong with me despite my excruciating pelvic pain, the one that cost me $141, that exam served absolutely no fucking purpose and I have to go back to the hospital for another exam that my insurance company won't cover.

I need a new fucking job with a new insurance company that doesn't fucking fail at life.

Obama/Biden '08, I guess!

2008-10-08T08:39:00.003-04:00

So, even though I live in a blue state, I'm realizing how important the popular vote looks in a presidential election. This one is too close for comfort (aren't they all?), and I'm suddenly really scared that a lot of closet racists will NOT vote for Obama, even if they're saying otherwise now.

Now isn't the time to protest the two party system. I am somewhat begrudgingly voting Democrat this year. As much as I love the Green Party's ticket this election year, I will not have the Supreme Court stacked against my right to choose.

Also, fuck Ralph Nader.

Missed connection

2008-10-05T01:19:00.001-04:00

Missed connection, W4W -- Porter Square, around 1 am.

Woman who tried to swipe our cab, then got really pissy when we called you on it.

Missed connection: my first with your face.

I wish I could NOT overhear everything he says.

2008-09-29T10:29:00.002-04:00

I think the only euphemism for something "unpleasant" I hate more than "make love" is "passed away" (or "passed on"). No, my grandmother didn't "pass away." She's dead. She's embalmed, covered in funeral home makeup and buried in an overpriced casket in the ground.

Also, according to my father, the reason I moved back to Massachusetts last year was because "[I] didn't like the public transportation out there." Jesus Christ, Dad, if you're going to overshare, you may as well tell people that I had a nervous fucking breakdown. I mean, you basically tell people my exact address and social security number anyway.

A simple "wrong" would not have done it.

2008-09-27T09:52:00.001-04:00

Sarah Palin, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Waiting for a bus to come crashing into my office.

2008-09-26T09:02:00.005-04:00

My day so far, in a nutshell:

Walk to Lechmere in annoying drizzle. Notice that train is leaving just as you're getting through the gate.

Wait 5 minutes in annoying drizzle for someone to pull the next train up.

Get on train, realize rubber piece for right earbud is missing. Realize you have 90 minutes of no entertainment ahead of you.

Get off at Government Center. Wait 40 minutes for a D train.

Stand until Reservoir listening to adults and children who don't understand the concept of "indoor voice."

Walk from Woodland to Walnut St. in a downpour. Almost get hit by car while crossing a crosswalk in front of the goddamn hospital. Again.

Get into work. Instantly feel sick upon breathing the air in the building.

Check voicemail. Some guy left 3 messages, all after 5pm, asking if you got his 20 page fax yesterday. He failed at sending the fax earlier this week, and he failed at sending it again yesterday.

Try to fax out application to potential client who requested one two days ago, only to find out that his fax machine is STILL turned off.

Sit directly under air conditioner freezing to death because you have no dry clothing on you.

Everything on the Internet is about that insufferable Sarah Palin.

Scream, cry and pull your hair out, wondering if the FedEx guy will stop by today to drop off your meager paycheck because you didn't get your stipend this month.

Burst into tears again as you realize there's a home game tonight and you're going to have to spend another one of your evenings surrounded by obnoxious Red Sox fans who don't know how to use a motherfucking train.

Almost five years.

2008-09-25T08:33:00.003-04:00

Further evidence that Elliott Smith and I are soulmates:

Those nails alone! Seriously!

Dammit. Why couldn't John Mayer or some other loser have died instead? Life is unfair.

New slogan for the GOP

2008-09-24T18:09:00.000-04:00

War is Peace; Freedom is Slavery; Ignorance is Strength.

I'm just going to take a nap under my desk now.

2008-09-23T09:06:00.002-04:00

I guess it must be a lot easier to die if you believe in an afterlife. Too bad I don't. The people who were saddest at the wake were the people who were praying the most. Aren't you supposed to be happy that my grandmother died and gets to go to heaven and isn't in a hospital bed whacked out on morphine and dying of renal failure anymore?

And thanks, random St. Mary's priest, for giving a really insulting, non-inclusive homily in which you called me and probably a couple other people in the church "foolish" for not believing in the KINGDOM OF HEAVEN1!!11!!!. Think about this for a minute: you called me a fool at my grandmother's funeral. Because it's completely impossible for a Catholic woman's family to have non-Christians in it. Because no one marries outside their faith, or converts, or just gives up on faith entirely. You also effectively told my entire family that they wouldn't see me in theoretical Heaven because I don't believe in their religion.

So yeah, thanks a lot. I really needed to be insulted at my grandmother's funeral. And FYI, the organ and the horrible singer were a little melodramatic. I'm not even going to get into how horrible a choice it was to have someone read the story of Jesus bringing Lazarus back to life. Or the fact that you called my grandfather by his given name and not the name he went by (way to make that effort!). Or the fact that you said "MARY" over and over again like you really really wanted us to know that you cared enough to remember what my grandmother's name was instead of reading "insert name of deceased person here" from your book.

Everything Is Green

2008-09-15T08:38:00.002-04:00

Amazing writers* that are actually still alive:
Don DeLillo
Alice Munro
Maxine Hong Kingston
John Updike
Thomas Pynchon
Sherman Alexie
Philip Roth
Margaret Atwood
Bret Easton Ellis
Ray Bradbury

(maybe amazing, definitely alive)
Amy Tan
Tim O'Brien (only on this list because Tomcat in Love was horrible)
Mark Z. Danielewski
Jeff Noon
Chuck Palahniuk
J. G. Ballard

*This list does not include poets because I'm not qualified to make those decisions.

Matt Damon - not as retarded as his puppet.

2008-09-10T18:33:00.002-04:00