The Not So Much News

We've Moved!

2009-04-30T00:08:00.001-04:00

We've moved to a new site, redesigned for our glorious rebirth: http://thenotsomuchnews.blogspot.com!

Come on over for new videos, content and everything we brought you before.

Anand Ramakrishnan--New site, same stupid management.

No video this week.

2008-08-09T21:44:00.001-04:00

I know. I suck the balls. My bad.

The Not So Much News: In a Minute - August 3, 2008

2008-08-03T11:57:00.003-04:00

The Not So Much News: In a Minute for August 3, 2008. I'm sorry I've been a large wad about this entire blog, but I'm choosing to focus more on the video side of things to prepare for the future. What does that mean? I don't know. I'll try to be more regular with this!

Yours,

Anand Ramakrishnan, Born on the 22nd of July.

The Not So Much News: In a Minute - Bloopers!

2008-07-20T11:46:00.003-04:00

I screw up. A lot. Fortunately, I've caught most of it on camera for you all to see. Enjoy! And also, thank you to anyone who has been watching them up to this point. I appreciate that quite a bit.

The Not So Much News: In a Minute How-To Edition!

2008-07-13T13:40:00.003-04:00

You know, it's been twenty videos, so I suppose it's time to reveal how it is I do what I do. As you can guess, it's absolutely boring and there is nothing special about it. But I had fun making this how-to video! Enjoy. Also, next week will be the oh-so-hilarious blooper reel, so stay tuned!

The Not So Much News: In a Minute - July 6, 2008

2008-07-06T12:34:00.003-04:00

The Not So Much News: In a Minute for Sunday, July 6, 2008. You'd be surprised how hard it is to get a new, better webcam to work. Still got some bugs to tweak, but I'm working on it. In the meantime, enjoy! Also, only two more weeks until my super special awesome bloopers video.

R-E-T-A-I-L

2008-06-29T21:34:00.005-04:00

The Not So Much News is proud to present yet another amazing guest writer, Leanne McAdams. Her insights into the world of things that aren't really news is, to put a quality to it, fantastizzle. That's right, I just went there. Enjoy.

The world of retail is like Catholic high school; unfortunately, retail only reminds me of high school in the sense that it makes me remember the day when I tripped on the stairs when I was wearing a kilt, or when I got yelled at for having an inadequate calculator in math class or when I said ‘Oh my God’ and got a scolding from a teacher.

The only major difference in being employed in retail is that instead of facing the (often humiliating) scrutiny of your peers, you have customers speculating your hair colour (“oh, your roots look like they need to be re-touched, hon”), your skin tone (“do you ever get out in sun? It’s called a spray tan”), or your body type (well, you have a little bit more….around… than I do”).

But just as working in retail allows me to remember every embarrassing comment or moment I had in high school, it really reminds me that I face interesting people everyday who really just want to be happy with themselves, like in those Dove commercials. At least I think that’s the moral of the story. But I wasn’t looking for a moral…wow, brown goes so great with orange…

Anand: Brown goes good with anything. But do focus.

Oh, right! The point I’m making is that working in retail means getting involved with a cast of unpredictable characters, much like the crazy realm of high school.

Take Miss Shops A Lot, for example. You can go anywhere and see Miss Shops A Lot; she’s like an inferior Bette Midler with a one-woman show that plays seven days a week. Unfortunately, she doesn’t entertain you with “Wind Beneath My Wings”, but makes you run around to find her a smaller size. By the by, never suggest a bigger size. She buys everything and anything, and if it looks terrible—she considers it a fashion challenge. If you’re working in the store of her choice on that day, get ready for a shopping tornado; it’s an F5 every time. Yeah, that’s right, a Twister reference just happened. But on a more serious level, I’m jealous of her. It’s my dream to live off of my husband’s money, have 16 credit cards and shop day after day. Oh, the possibilities! At the very least, it’ll guarantee me a spot on Oprah for a show covering debt or divorce or shopaholics. It’s really a win-win.

Then comes the polar opposite to Miss Shops A Lot, one that we retail folk call The Repeat Offender. Although this type of shopper sounds like she carries some sort of crazy weaponry, she chooses to play it safe. Her weapon of choice: mind games with the red headed sales associate with a bad temper. She can get anyone to believe she’s interested in everything in the store simply because she tries everything on. But, oh no, she decides she wants a different size, or a different colour and by the time anyone can realize that she’s created Mount Everest in her dressing room, she’s walking out the door saying she’ll come back and try again tomorrow. She’s inspired the ‘book off every other day to retain sanity’ regime in retail. You can either deal with this type of shopper, or do what I do and yell ‘break time!’ and run (don’t walk, run) to the break room. It works, and it’s only got me fired twice.

Between Miss Shops A Lot and The Repeat Offender walks in a little someone I call The Sweet Talker. She’s the type of shopper every sales associate wants to be around, the kind we sit at the door waiting for. Not only does she makes me feel good about working in retail, but she makes me feel that like Mary Tyler Moore. Makes me feel as if I now believe I can make it after all. Even insults sound good coming from a shopper like this because she understands the concept of feelings. Oh, feelings. She might say something like ‘This top is really a disgusting shade…but it would look good with your hair colour.’ Oh… well, at least she says it nicely enough that it makes me think it’s true. Conviction: that’s what it’s really all about, right? Hey, it’s what makes my commission.

Now, of course, there are several other types of shoppers. Much like a dog, the breeds of shopper are pure and mixed to make hundreds and even thousands of types. But learning to deal with every kind takes patience and attention; and both are skills I’ve lost from watching too much TV as a child. So, the important thing is to keep some sort of dream alive on the side (even if your dream is only to one day win a pie eating contest) because working in retail is really a moot point. At least a pie eating contest will make you famous for a day.

Leanne McAdams, Senior "Thinks you can't fit inside it, but won't say anything until you stretch out the damn thing" Correspondent.

The Land of the Rich and Creamy

2008-06-23T13:17:00.006-04:00

The Not So Much News has taken a shine to the experiences of the traveler, namely the Europe-bound one. They share with us so many more hilarious experiences than we can get from our dull lives here. So, as a special to The Not So Much News, Caroline Maga shares with us her adventures in Europe. Today, foooooooood.

Never before have I detested tourists as much as when I was one. Usually, I find the tour buses on Yonge Street amusing. The couples posing in front of the St. Lawrence Market almost…cute, even. But this past May, I spent four weeks traveling France and Spain and the tourists I met there did nothing but irritate me. They were everywhere, clad in fanny-packs and white ankle socks, their cameras mere extensions of their own bodies. I couldn’t vocalize my disgust, of course, because to mock them would be to mock one of my own. But still, this was my first time in Europe! Why must they constantly crowd my photos? Why must they remind me how many people were here before me, and how many will come after? Why are they robbing me of my true, unique European experience?

Sight-seeing doesn’t mean seeing Europe, and I shouldn’t have been so surprised by that. But alas, I found a saviour. Something that gave me authenticity when the tourist traps wouldn’t.

Food. Food, food, glorious food.

The month of May was probably the best-fed month of my life, and I say that carefully. With every bite, I felt a little closer to this new culture I was exploring. Whether it was a freshly baked croissant from the bakery beside our hotel or fresh paella cooked up in Barcelona. I could taste the difference, as if the essence of another continent was baked into the dough or fried in the rice along with all the other ingredients.

So, food became my source of comfort, which is dangerous territory I realize, especially when I can’t be bothered to join my traveling companions on their daily morning run. And while I could write for days about each meal I enjoyed (which I made sure to describe in detail in my journal), here are a few daily necessities, with a few tips I found on how to best enjoy them:

Wine: Yes, a little obvious. But when you can get a bottle of good white for €1.60 (about $2.50 Canadian), a broke traveler develops a certain fondness of the beverage. But what’s even better than the price, better than the taste even, are the places you drink it in. Wine has this special ability to turn a picturesque moment into one to write home about. Sitting in a vineyard isn’t quite the same as sitting in a vineyard drinking wine, lying on the beach isn’t quite the same as drinking sangria by the beach, and so on. And you never know when you’ll need a glass to cap off the perfect European setting, so sometimes it helps to keep some on you. That may make me sound like a lush, but hey, I drank wine under the Arc de Triomphe at midnight because of it.

Cheese and Bread: The stereotype of French people’s diets consisting of cheese and baguettes is completely true, which makes me wonder how everyone is model-esque and beautiful, and not glaringly overweight. This also makes me jealous. There’s no real technique or tips to eating French cheese, just try it. A lot of it. Love it. And then exercise.

-- Editor's note: And by American, I mean North American. See comments. --

Gelato: My trip to Europe didn’t hold a lot of romance for me, but I did have a short-term relationship with a gelaterie in Nice. There are too many in any given city to count, so to spot the good ones look for 1. lineups and 2. odd flavours. This specific gelaterie (also known as my boyfriend) had flavours ranging from Grand Marnier and Nuttela to Black Olive and Cactus. In gelato dining, I suggest three things: Combinations (my favourite was cinnamon and white chocolate), guts to not play it safe (I wish I had tried the Tomato Basil), and multiple trips if it’s a hot day and your sweet tooth is acting up.

Caroline Maga, Senior Eating Abroad (don't make a joke, pigs) Correspondent.

The Not So Much News: In a Minute - June 22, 2008

2008-06-22T12:18:00.003-04:00

The Not So Much News: In a Minute for Sunday, June 22, 2008. That sitcom could very well be a reality in some alternate (and very Indian) universe, so stay tuned! Enjoy.

Football, by any other name...

2008-06-18T07:49:00.007-04:00

The Not So Much News is proud to have our friend Alex Dhefto back home safe and sound...and with his typing hands a workin'. Today, as a rabid fan who hasn't been vaccinated, he sheds some light on a very interesting part of a game that the whole world believes in.

Here is your date with history.

Euro Cup 08 is being played and newspapers around the world are recording what will soon be part of legend and folklore. As we are approaching the quarter finals stage, everything is getting more grandiose. From now on, every goal, every shot, every flick will be savoured and remembered as a glorious one--and also because mistakes are very rare at this stage. Other things will be remembered too. You could say they are the...uglier side of this beautiful world sport. But how ugly are they really?

There are many reasons why football (soccer) is regarded as "the beautiful game". Some reasons that come to mind are the athleticism, the irresistible goal scoring and the impressive techniques, to name a few. However, a lot of sports have that, so what sets this game apart? Well, in a word, my friends: Controversy. The beautiful game isn't beautiful only because it looks so, it is also because it feels so. No wonder an estimated one billion people tune in every four years for the World Cup final. There is a special connection that the public feels to the game, a human side, if you will. This side is brought on by the controversy. It fires people up and connects them to the game on a personal level. Thus explaining hooliganism, ultras, crazy soccer commentators, etc., etc., etc.

On this side of the Atlantic and on the north of the continent, we regard good sportsmanship, toughness and fairness as logical parts of a successful sport. This is not so in the rest of the world and to really embrace soccer you have to see how diving, trash-talking, shirt pulling, and simulating can be regarded as a functional, and not only entertaining, part of the game. No, that player isn't that hurt and yes, he did just get up and walk away with a smile. So what? Does that make him less of a man? No, that makes him frigging smart! He just got the other guy booked for something that wasn't even there. Get over it people.

Soccer is a game of flair, finesse and pick-pocketing the adversary--which are seen as a GOOD thing. After all, both parties can do it, so don't complain when it happens to your side because you probably deserved it! (England).

How is this possible may you ask? How can this be when the rules say otherwise? True, the rules talk about no diving and fair play. However, the sport is so old that technology is not integrated in it. You see, in the 1870s, they did not have the luxury of camera replay or stopwatches. So controversial refereeing decisions and added time became part of the game. In fact, they are so ingrained in it that changing this would, in the words of UEFA president Michel Platini, "ruin the game".

He's right. I will illustrate how this tweaking of the rules works with a very famous and special example.

Let's go back to 1986. This is a World Cup year and this time, the event is being held in Mexico. Coincidentally, the Falklands war had just wrapped up not too long ago. This was a war between England and Argentina where the death toll reached close to 1000 combined. Mostly Argentinians. This is also the year of Diego Maradona, widely regarded as one of, if not the greatest, player to ever grace the game.

In the quarter finals, Argentinians were set to face the heavily favored far more experiences English. The stage was set. Diego Maradona was stunning everyone. With his flair, he would glide through English players, only to be finally fouled and taken down by the last man. The game was tight and it didn't seem to be going anywhere until this moment.

Yes, he scored...with his hand! When asked in the press conference after the game: "How did you score that goal?" He slyly replied: "I guess I was helped by the hand of God". The name stuck. The goal was called "The Hand of God" (La mano de Dios).

That goal has significance that goes beyond the game. Argentina, as a whole, felt great about pick-pocketing the English in such a way, beating them at the game that they had exported to their country. Also, getting some sort of psychological revenge on them for the Falklands war. It was perfect. Nobody condemned Maradona for cheating, they just laughed and were entertained. The England-Argentina rivalry lives on to this day and every match they play is a high adrenaline affair. Matters were made worse by an equally legendary goal that followed the Hand of God.

(For those of you wondering what he says at the end, the commentator actually goes: "Thank you, God. Thank you for football, for Maradona. For these tears.")

Another thing to remember is that though diving happens, soccer is not a pansy sport. A high number of players get seriously injured all the time. These are all very powerful men with very powerful legs and diving is a way to keep things under control. Otherwise, we would see a wild karate affair. Remember the last World Cup final? Zidane headbutts Materazzi, but the ref does not see it happen. Materazzi's reaction was a bit exaggerated sure, but would Zidane have been sent off for his violent outburst had Materazzi not showcased his theatrical side a little bit? Probably not--and as it were, he almost wasn't sent off at all. So, you see, without camera replays, things could get really ugly out there. So perhaps its time we all just got over it. Diving is part of the game and its beautiful the way it is.

Alex Dhefto, Senior Goaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll Correspondent.

Here's a twist: stop expecting one.

2008-06-17T21:53:00.007-04:00

Leonard Fallson is a columnist for the NSM News. As he puts it, he doesn't need to hide his "I" from the audience like his editor Anand Ramakrishnan does. He tells it like it is, and he tells it like it is in an angry and mostly sarcastic way. Then you find out that Anand is Leonard...(cue eerie music). Oh, the irony.

As a person who has followed Manoj "Night" Shyamalan's work since the beginning, I find myself defending his movies against idiots who really don't realize certain things about this filmmaker. With the release of his new venture, the R-rated film "The Happening", Night deals with the same old arguments against his style of writing and directing.

Now, let's make something clear. Anand loves this guy because he's an Indian who's damn talented. I like him because he's just damn talented. The Academy sure thought so back in 2000 by nominating "The Sixth Sense" for six Oscars, including best director, best picture and best original screenplay.

Maybe it was that high of critical and box-office recognition that set his career bar at a strange peak. When a guy like that bursts into the scene, people expect that with every go. Hell, Tarantino faces it all the time. The real "error" in judgement that Night's films have made after "The Sixth Sense" is trying to market them as something that parallels it. Specifically, trying to market the "twist" ending as the only appeal.

"Unbreakable" was his next film, which I consider to be his best, for the silence and performances within that film were spectacular. The unique way of looking at the idea of superheroes in a very real context was masterfully executed, and the twist ending also served it well.

Note: The preceding was an opinion. The following just proves it: Go here.

But "Unbreakable" didn't do as well as "The Sixth Sense". Some attribute that to the supposed idea that people didn't feel the twist was as memorable. After that, "Signs" did well, but there was no twist in it. "The Village" bombed because people didn't feel the twist was enough. "Lady in the Water"...well, that was a personal project for him and I'll ignore it. And now, "The Happening" doesn't have a twist, either.

So where are we left on M. Night Shyamalan? How many un-twisty films does he have to make to prove to people that they should look at his style of directing rather than wait for the final ten minutes of his storyline? Might as well read the plot off Wikipedia, then. The other aspects of his filmmaking are near impeccable. When I first heard criticism for The Village, I was surprised. The music creeped me out. The story creeped me out. The pacing was incredible. Look, I know it's pointless to start telling people things, even if I have a point, but as usual, I'll make a plea. Start watching a film for everything, rather than the ending.

Oh, also, Anand wanted me to tell you people to learn how to pronounce his last name. It's not fucking impossible.

Leonard Fallson, Senior Shyamalan Correspondent.

The Not So Much News: In a Minute - June 15, 2008

2008-06-15T14:28:00.003-04:00

The Not So Much News: In a Minute for Sunday, June 15, 2008. Don't you hate when the weather seems to suck for the brief half an hour that you choose to shoot your video? I do. But hopefully, you enjoy it.

A Look Back and Forth

2008-06-12T15:53:00.006-04:00

The Not So Much News has recently crossed a not-so-memorable milestone. It is the 21st week since its inception. Including this, it has had 78 different posts in six short months, bringing the readers and watchers slices of comedy and news, with skewed views in off-hues. I, as self-titled "editor" of this blog felt it was necessary to both myself and anyone who might read this, to look back on it all as well as to look ahead. Don't let me worry you: This is not a farewell speech! I have much more left in me, and I will do all in my power (however imagined it may be) to bring you whatever this blog is.

Looking back, on that first article, written on January 17th, 2008 about the dismal future behind The Magic School Bus cast, I feel it was an admirable start. I sometimes go back to that article and wonder if the present ones hold up to its standard, or even surpass it. It is true that while some articles appear half-assed, neither qualifying for news or comedy, some are quite well thought-out--at least in my opinion.

So how does one go about writing an NSM "article"? (NSM is an informal nickname) I have asked some to do so, and they've delivered on several counts with hilarity. The first step: courage. That's all it takes. Here on the internet, a statement so simplistic, to publish one's work is incredibly simple. Even if one's work itself is not. The second step: Don't assume you have to be funny. In the handful of guest writers I've had for The Not So Much News--a work I feel should be about the inspiration to write, and the discipline to do so continually--all have had the guts to write something regardless of the consequences. They have worked with me, and for that I thank them.

The articles themselves can be as in-depth as you want them to be, really. They can rely on links. pictures, or my personal favourite: alliterative jokes in the writing. But really, they can be whatever you want, so long as you have the power to laugh at yourself by laughing at the world. As this is starting to sound preachy, I invite any and all interested to write for this blog to come forth. Practice having an opinion in word-form. No boundaries.

To myself, writing an article for NSM has never been difficult. I start with a basic, somewhat ridiculous idea, and just start writing. Occasionally, I'll plan it out--in the sense that I write down where and "who" needs to be interviewed. I don't need to tell you that all interviews are fake and most of the institutions I mention are also not real. With that kind of power of "credibility" at my disposal, it's easy to give human voices with ridiculous quotes to back up the insane theory an article proposes. And that's really part of the equation of an NSM article.

A main feature of NSM, that some would even call the flagship of the site, has been the videos. If any of you remember that first paper-shuffling, badly-lit time I tried it, you also know how far I've come since then. Sets have changed, jokes have improved--though some would say increasingly tastless, case in point: baby-selling. One thing that's still the same since the beginning is the old dinky webcam I use to shoot, resulting in the often poor quality of the videos. However, it also results in quick shooting and uploading times, which is better for continual use. Also, even though I've improved somewhat, I still sometimes take many angering takes to shoot it in full.

You'll all see that in July when I release the special Not So Much News: In a Minute - Blooper Reel. Let's just say Anand doesn't keep his cool in very strange ways.

So where is The Not So Much News going? TV, hopefully, in the fall. I will try as hard as I can not to shirk the duties towards the blog at that time, and will definitely keep it up for the rest of this summer. And remember, if you want to help, you're more than welcome to.

Anand Ramakrishnan, Editor-in-Chief

The Not So Much News: In a Minute - June 8, 2008

2008-06-08T15:46:00.003-04:00

The Not So Much News: In a Minute for Sunday, June 8, 2008. To all you Hindus out there, this one's for you. Enjoy.

Everybody needs a man friend.

2008-06-08T00:55:00.006-04:00

Disclaimer: Major spoilers.

Ah Sex and the City, let me begin by saying it was worth the week of sleeping outside of a theatre, eating only leftover popcorn bits and yelling at all the Indiana Jones movie goers. But like any movie its not without its flaws. But flaws that we embrace, of course.

Truly great memories were made that night. Not only were these memories courtesy of the ladies who were falling down the theatre stairs because they had a few too many cosmos or the other women who screeched during the sex scenes (Didn’t you see the title of the movie when you bought your ticket?) but because of Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha.

The Good

1. First things first, I might as well ruin the movie for you. Women who thought their big day would never come once they reach 40 finally have some hope. Yes, that’s right, Carrie does end up with Big.

Little did people know that the role of Charlotte (pictured above) was initially given to a banshee.

2. While three of the four ladies were often over-the-top (see: Charlotte’s constant wide-eyed expressions), Miranda was the most true to her character by being her usual cynical self. When Carrie says that meeting her husband Steve after their separation on the Brooklyn bridge is both “practical yet poetic,” Miranda replies, “Poetic if you both show up. Otherwise you’re on a bridge rejected.” Sing it, sister.

3. Samantha was the bad girl gone good who surprisingly had us cheering when she went bad again. What can we say, everyone loves a rebel. For Samantha, this movie was an opportunity for self-exploration. (Get it? Double meaning. Do you get it? Cause you should.)

The Bad

1. Only Big could get away with acting like a complete jerk over and over again (in the series and in the movie) and still have women rooting for him. Also we’d appreciate if his real name was never used again. (Was anyone else confused when Carrie called him ‘John’?)

2. Jennifer Hudson. Everything about Jennifer Hudson. So she won an Academy Award once. It really doesn’t mean she can act. First of all, her character Louise was from St. Louis. Really? Really. Secondly, could she have been anymore of a stereotype? It was in the way she talked, her expressions, over all she just wasn’t representin’. All she needed to say was “hollaaa.”

Mmmmm-hmmmmm. (snaps).

3. While I thought it was cute that the place of reconciliation for Carrie and Big was in her closet, I also thought that him putting a shoe on her when he proposed was a bit much.

So all this made me wonder, are relationships with girlfriends stronger than relationships with man friends?

Rebecca Modelo, Woman. Duh.

Wii Fit Used In Terrorist Training Camps

2008-06-05T17:59:00.005-04:00

It's finally happened. Nintendo, on a whirlwind of success since their Wii console first released back in November of 2006, never expected that their engaging gaming machine could be used in this way. It seems that new damning evidence has revealed that their latest addition to the Wii line, a balanceboard-based game called Wii Fit, is being used in terrorist training camps.

The idea was simple to Nintendo: Get people off their asses. But little did they know that those asses belonged to armed militants with political and religious agendas. The game itself is simple, too. Through a mix of activities in yoga, strength-training, aerobics and balance games, Wii Fit aims to get people to regularly engage in these activities and really work out, all while keeping track of their progress. Genius, right?

According to sources close to terrorist training camps in Afghanistan, the drill sergeants have come to realize how effective the game is to both the mental and physical preparation of their soldiers. Initially, to break down their tolerance and raise their obedience to the cause, the soldiers go through the rigors of finding out their Wii Fitness Age and where they stand in terms of their BMI (Body Mass Index).

"Supposedly, the terrorists don't like being called fat either," said Dr. David Manors, head of Terrorist Training Analysis at Homeland Security, "And this is the first step to breaking down their will. Soon, the ease of use makes them think that they can lower that age to a more perfect number."

Manors believes that such simple exercises such as "Sun Salutation" and "Downward-Facing Dog" have religious and moral applications when the soldiers engage in them.

"Either salute your masters up high or be the dog you are. That's what they're saying. Oh, and the soccer and skiing game are just for fun. Dangerous fun, though."

With these newfound training regimes, Manors believes that we are headed for a future of leaner, meaner and hula-hooping terrorists. Worse still, these camps don't just extend to the Middle East. Terrorist camps all over the world are starting to train with this new method, helping rebels gain footholds of power of governments. How does Shigeru Miyamoto can sleep at night?

Anand Ramakrishnan, Senior Terrorist Specialist.

Politics in Pictures - June 4, 2008

2008-06-04T22:13:00.008-04:00

Since a picture is worth a 1000 words (though I still find that math fuzzy), here's what's going on in the world.

Barack Obama finally clinches the Democratic Party nomination by reaching the necessary delegate count. Hillary has still refused to concede (sending Wolf Blitzer to Befuddledville).

A bit of sad news from the middle east (stop gasping, you'll faint) as thousands are displaced from their homes due to food and water shortages.

In a hilarious bit of news, a volunteer manual for the 2008 Beijing Olympics had to be recalled because the Chinese were a bit...blunt in their advice.

My boy Dalton (AKA The Guint AKA Spiderman) wants to finally tell cellphone companies to get the fuck out with their "system access fees" and other hidden charges. Go, man, go.

This tiny, pudgy, brown boy named Sameer Mishra (who probably looks like what Anand looked like at that age) won the 2008 Scripps National Spelling Bee with style and a bit of humour. Good on ya, mate.

Editor's Note: Psh, I would so not wear a yellow shirt. And I was twice as funny! And does no one else find the word "guerdon" a bit ironic as the winning word? Yeah...think about it.
Lenny: We won't, you fat nerd.

Leonard Fallson, Dude who Photoshops way too much.

Conversations...From France

2008-06-03T10:55:00.006-04:00

And now, the exciting conclusion of Alex Dhefto's adventures in France. The Not So Much News would like to thank him for his committed work and showing us things we couldn't possibly have known about. Today, some conversations.

As the old blues stereotype goes, hobos love to ride trains. Coincidentally (or perhaps not), I also have had the fortune to ride a lot of trains in the past month and meet said hobos. Man, are they ever hilarious and interesting. Usually, I would scoff and avoid these PLEBEIANS--but as I am here to hone my linguistic and conversational skills, I give a chance to any exchange I can get.

That has taught me an invaluable lesson. ALWAYS give a chance to any conversation you can get because, man, you come out with some great perspective and tons of hilarity.

Here are some translated excerpts of conversations and pearls of wisdom:

Mika, a drug dealer from Nice.
M-Hey...psst...do you want hash?
A-No, fuck off.
M-Fuck you, American. (spits on me)
A-Uhh...actually I do, I do.
M-Buddy, I take care of my own! No problem! Here smoke this...

He turned out to be really nice actually and helped me find a bomb place for cheap booze and phone cards.

A Hungarian hobo from Nice.

(Both him and I are drunk)

H-It's my birthday today. I am 54.
A-That's so good! Let's have a beer!
H-OK, I'll buy it for you!

H-My wife left me.
A-That's really sad.
H-I have beer so it's okay.

H-Oh, so you were born in Albania?
A-Yeah.
H-I used to work with this Albanian guy, he was a like a brother to me...what was his name again?

John from Ventimiglia (Italy)

J-I got stuck here because I made a movie for the Cannes film festival in 1980 and it pissed off a lot of people...so now I'm hiding.

J-So they offered me 600 million dollars for that project. I had to help the CIA fight terrorism but I said no.

J-I have been fighting the mafia and the terrorists for 20 years.

J-Call senator Kennedy's office for my contact!
A-(can't hold back the laughter anymore)

Paolo from Milan

P-So I work at this place in Nice , actually. My boss is a really cool guy.
(begins to show me pictures of his life)
P-Here's me, my daughter, my wife (god, I love her), our apartment in Milano...Nice, isn't it?
A-You seem really happy with everything.
P-Yeah, for sure. Here's a picture of me and my Boss. Me, my boss and some prostitutes...
A-Whoa, wait. Didn't you say you had a wife?
P-Yeah but like...I cheat on her.
A-You have a daughter with her!
P-You mean you don't cheat on your girlfriend?
A-No...
P-(pause) I married way too early...

Poka from Amsterdam

P-Yo yo watch out, ah? Da police is gonna take yuh drinks. (We were drinking in public)
A-Thanks man.
P-AI LOOK OUT FOH U.

P-Ai'm dun wit all dat sheet. You see? You see? Ai'm cleen now...ai'm fowty faive. No mo' prison for Poka.
A-Uh...nice...
P-Can I have sum money?
A-Nah
P-Cigarette?
A-Sorry
P-Beer?
A-Fine, you earned it.

Thus end my adventures. I hope you learned something. I sure as hell didn't. See you in Canada.

Alex Dhefto, Senior Foreign Correspondent and Vagrant Conversationalist.

From Amsterdam...

2008-06-03T10:37:00.013-04:00

The Not So Much News is proud to present a two-part finale to Alex Dhefto's adventures in Europe. Today, Alex reports on his time in the only country that places three Xs in its flag oh-so-suggestively.

“Look man…A church and a whorehouse across the street from each other…This is the only place in the world where you can see that.”

Thus spoke Poka, a Surinamese immigrant to the Netherlands. He may have been drunk and homeless, but his words rang very true. They made me realize that I was indeed in a country of paradox. I wasn’t just anywhere in this country either, I was in its capital – Amsterdam. It was a place where everything was exaggerated--even the paradoxes.

If you ask any Dutch person to describe their country’s image, they will answer that they can’t because the country has two of them. On the one hand, you have its socially tolerant and very left wing policies: legalization of marijuana, homosexual marriage, euthanasia, abortion and prostitution. On the other hand, you have the old fashioned stereotypes: cows, fields, tulips, windmills, clogs etc. The co-existence of these two images are what makes the country what it is and I have to say it is the most interesting country I have visited to date.

One conversation with a stranger in the street and you will realize how the country gets away with being so left wing and tolerant. The people are all extremely nice. And I'm Canadian, so when I say nice, I mean nice. Many countries cannot afford to be so lenient because the people in it would simply abuse the benevolent and proverbial hand that feeds them (the government). Here, that doesn’t seem to happen so much. You are unlikely to see many locals in the coffee shops (though they do frequent them too), as it is usually foreigners that go to them. Another reason is that the Dutch are passionate about complaining and nitpicking. The government has to usually make sure to weigh all of its options very carefully and find the best balance possible for its reforms--or else the people will complain. All the things that are legal here are also heavily regulated. Thus, the best balance is always found.

But enough with the political mumbo jumbo. Amsterdam! The Venice of the North...with hookers and weed. And fewer gondolas.

I walked around the red light district a few nights ago and what did I see? Well...some unattractive prostitutes, some transvestites and then some REALLY hot (legal) prostitutes at the low, low price of 50 euros! If only I had the balls... If you are like me and want to wait until you are filthy rich, lonely and 50 before you get a prostitute, don't worry--there are many other interesting things to do in the red light district. You can simply walk around and be amused by the sight of tits, lights and porn on the store windows. You can even go to a sex show. However, make sure you don't go to one that sucks. And I'm talking generally, not about the content. Try and pay less than 45 euros for one and make sure you know EXACTLY what you are paying for... if you know what I mean.

Coffee shops. They are the reason Amsterdam is often considered to be the stoner-cult heaven. However, as I sadly realized, they are nothing but a dirty tourist trap. They are exactly what stoners are so against: selling out. If you want to pay double the price for weed that is only marginally stronger than in Canada, be my guest. My best advice is to go find the coffeeshops in the non-touristy areas. Still not worth it though. These novelties are just that--novelties. By the 3rd one, you are sick of them and of smoking. But some of you might be more into that than I am.

Apart from that, this vibrant city holds thousands of attractions worth seeing. Do yourself a favour and go to Museumplein. See as many museums there as you can. They are cheap and enlightening. Also see the Zoo, the canals, the bars and the clubs. Do not make the mistake of spending your whole time at coffeeshops and the red light district, or you will soon regret it. To make sure you can see everything, rent a bike. There are 17 million bikes in the Netherlands. The population is 16 million. So you get the idea, EVERYONE bikes and as a cyclist you get ridiculous right of way, so give it a shot.

Happy traveling.

Alex Dhefto, Senior Foreign Correspondent and Associate Professor of Weed and Sex Show Studies.

The Not So Much News: In a Minute - June 1, 2008

2008-06-01T11:16:00.004-04:00

The Not So Much News: In a Minute for June 1, 2008. I had some fun with this one and it only took one take, so...pretty happy with it. Enjoy.

ALERT! NEW EPIDEMIC: LAZINESS.

2008-05-31T00:19:00.003-04:00

So we here at The Not So Much News have taken a week off from writing our hilarious (though rarely read, people--COME ON) articles because we've come under a great spell of tiredness. Rest assured, this crisis is being dealt with. We have the country's top minds and drug peddlers rushing out to get our writers the best psychiatric and psychedelic help they need to get you the best fake news articles that you'll never read! Oh, also, there will be a video on Sunday.

Apologies from The Not So Much News,

Anand Ramakrishnan, Editor-in-Chief.

The Not So Much News: In a Minute - May 25, 2008

2008-05-25T11:30:00.004-04:00

First off, my apologies for being so damn sick in this one. You have no idea how much it hurts to breathe right now--but against all odds, I, Anand, the lovable tramp, have brought you this video. Enjoy.

And now, a PSA about Pictionary.

2008-05-22T14:08:00.006-04:00

Hello, I'm international superhunk and editor-in-chief of The Not So Much News Anand Ramakrishnan. Today, I am taking the time out of my normally busy schedule of watching Futurama reruns and playing with my Wii (both figuratively and literally, at times) to talk to you all about something very near and dear to my heart.

Pictionary may seem like a normal and fun board game from the mid 80's. Many families and friends gather together around their respective dining tables (or coffee tables, for the less wealthy) and engage in this activity of pencils, paper and multi-coloured squares.

But underneath this seemingly happy exterior, lies the true nature of the game: violence, vulgarity and the perversion of art.

Take Bobby Henderson. At 17 years old, he was in the prime of life. On a bright December morn, he and his family decided to whip out the old board game and play for old time's sake. Little did Bobby know how horrible it would be. As soon as the die was thrown, his troubles began. On a team with his mother Barbara, he started out as the first drawer, with his clue being "bear tracks".

Halfway through the time allotted, he began to sweat. His mother yelled out more and more things, many of her answers involving the words "VCR" and "pastry". He would pound the table and point to the paper. The laughter of his sister and father egged him to the edge of insanity. Finally, in an act of anger--blamed on the ineptitude of his mother--he lashed out and threw the pen into her eye, blinding her temporarily.

Bobby was arrested minutes later.

Gruesome, absolutely gruesome. And this is just one of the many tales that I have come across in my years. Pictionary has added to the many other indirect accidents caused by the infamous Parker Brothers, including the Monopoly related prison riots and the ironically remorse-less Sorry! serial killer.

So remember folks, board games are just that: for when we're bored. So the next time you draw a killer whale that looks like a bag of garbage, relax, and realize that it's just a game. I'm Anand Ramakrishnan. Good night.

Improv should be easy for politicians

2008-05-21T17:45:00.003-04:00

Leonard Fallson is a columnist for the NSM News. As he puts it, he doesn't need to hide his "I" from the audience like his very, very, very old editor Anand Ramakrishnan does. He tells it like it is, and he tells it like it is in an angry and mostly sarcastic way.

It was the season finale of Saturday Night Live this past weekend, where a special surprise occurred--as was to be expected from the legendary late-night sketch comedy program. The surprise, naturally, was through the show's special (unexpected) guest star: Senator John McCain.

But was it really unexpected? Months ago, both Senators Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton appeared on the show to show that their humourous sides existed, and obviously to stay on message to the potential voters watching. It impressed me...as a child. When I saw important figures--that is, those who might be considered important by adults--on a silly show, I myself would consider the figures far more popular and important. But does it matter? Let's stack the three side-by-side in their SNL-ability.

The show itself is a tough one. Live performance is not meant for even the most seasoned of film actors and definitely for not those in the sports industry. Nevertheless, SNL has seen great and hilarious actors/sports personalities/rock stars screw up and hidden surprises (such as newscasters and Al Gore) to wow us all. It was the case this past Saturday with Senator McCain. Though, one might expect him to do better because in the past (back in 2002), he had hosted the entire program. But then, he wasn't in the political position he is in now.

The first appearance of John McCain on the night was in a political ad that spoofed his age, among other things. Though the ad was a slow laugh due to McCain's delivery, it was worth it to hear him say the word "gaydar". But that wasn't all the 71 year old senator had in him. He reappeared during "Weekend Update", telling democrats to take their time in choosing between Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama--paralleling the fake fighting between Update anchors Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler to that of Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton. This was a much funnier bit, even if shorter.

Now when you take these and compare it to a direct piece like Hilary Clinton's, or even Barack Obama's, you realize that a man like John McCain--a fan of The Office (supposedly, as mentioned on Jon Stewart)--is a hell of a lot funnier than the other two.

Now that's rare. A 71 year old guy that's damn funny. But you be the judge.

Leonard Fallson, Senior Late-Night Correspondent

Recycle this paper before you read it

2008-05-20T17:27:00.004-04:00

In a special to The Not So Much News, Jill Langlois investigates MTV's latest effort in the reality show world: The Paper.

Yes folks, it has happened. Reality TV has finally offended me. I never thought I would utter those words, but alas, the time has come. MTV has gone too far. Sure, they’ve allowed people to exploit their shallow lives (yes, I’m looking at you, ladies of The Hills) and they’ve made a mockery out of people’s sexuality (is there anyone Tila Tequila won’t “fall in love” with?), but those situations are so far removed from the real world (no pun intended, I swear) that it’s just plain funny to watch what people will do for their 15 embarrassing minutes in the spotlight.

With their new effort, however, MTV has attacked my people. Journalism is a profession, and The Paper turns it into child’s play. It’s like watching a bunch of spoiled bratty high school kids play dress-up, except they don’t realize it’s a game. Their school’s paper, The Circuit, is just another excuse for MTV to bring together a stereotypical group of people and pit them against each other for entertainment’s sake. Bickering runs rampant in the newsroom, and if these kids are as good as they say they are (apparently they’ve won awards), then they should know they’re being portrayed as fools. I suggest they go into broadcasting if they love the camera so much.

Anand: Ain’t nothin’ wrong wit broadcast!
Jill: Sure, buddy! You go for it.
(Jill pats Anand on the back, gives him a lollipop)
Anand: (under his breath) Grr…you’re just lucky I enjoy these…
(Anand licks lollipop)

But to get to the point: The show’s debut episode was all about the race to be editor-in-chief and was basically an introduction to its cast of budding journalist characters. So, as a journalist myself, I figured I’d give you my take on the most important wannabes from Florida’s Cypress Bay High School.

Amanda: More irritating than that bubbly girl you knew in high school that took credit for everything and got away with it. Oh wait, she is that girl. Not only did she win the title of editor-in-chief, but she claimed it was because all previous EICs had names that started with an “A” too. For a former copy editor, the fact that two of her competitors were named Alex and Adam seemed to slip by her quite easily.

Adam: The token guy whose sexuality is questionable, but will never be discussed. Oh yeah, and he’s the advertising manager two years in a row because of his outrageously outgoing personality. Also one of the most annoying people imaginable.

Alex: Apparently a great writer, but a very bitter one when he becomes second in command to Amanda as managing editor. I see a coup d’état in the future.

Trevor and Giana: Stuck together like a journalist to its number one source, these two don’t even deserve their own individual descriptions. A nauseating high school couple at its finest, Trevor and Giana never really get any work done for the paper because they’re too busy, ummm…getting busy.

Mrs. Weiss: The poor woman that has to oversee this atrocity. I feel for her.

I’ll end this with one thing:

(Jill groans)

Jill Langlois, Guest Reality Television Correspondent