Boldly Going Nowhere

Never grin at a sharks fin

2009-11-13T08:02:00.000-08:00

Insomnias hit me again, and my eyes feel a few sizes too big for their sockets. Reckon I'll go on a long late walk so i get my z's for work tommorow.

I have some strange ways of trying to get to sleep. here are a few

I imagine i am being buried under the earth, each spadeful weighing me deeper into sleep
I picture me sinking into warm black oil
I pretend Derren Brown is hypnotising me with a big gold watch
I count the different parts of a sheep jumping over a fence and re-assembling on the other side
i try to use my brain as a radio to tune into FM Dreams

We did the 12 hour challenge once again, although for me personally it was more like 10 and a half. And some might say that it went rather well (not me though, considering how many drinks i got for other folk)

My dissertation supervisor gave me the vote of confidence yesterday. Basically said that a decent mark was in the bag if i contined as i was. And I'm not exactly straining myself. As always, the bob is all about la Sprezzatura.

Motivation has been hard to come by lately, despite a fairly eager start. i suspect its more to do with health, diet and exercises than any deep rooted melancholy.

A bit about me

2009-11-09T07:13:00.000-08:00

I remember being small and thinking I had super powers-namely the ability to tolerate supreme heat. Story goes that i used to take baths all the time (back when i could actually fit in the tub) And these baths would be scorchio hot hot, as hot as i could stand. And i realised that if i waited long enough, i'd eventually get used to it and be able to have even hotter water in the tub. i would do this for hours, thinking i was getting towards boiling point and evolving or training my body to take it. The idea that i had just waited so long that the water had cooled down again never once entered my head.

And that is why......all my sperm are dead

Abraham Drinkin

2009-11-04T08:53:00.000-08:00

The presidents only company on haloween was the first lady's

which shows what happens when you don't plan

still, learned to tie a bow tie

A sheep in Wolfs clothing

2009-11-04T08:51:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you a story.

Once there was a lamb, not born white or black but a deep grey. His wool was short and wirey, and so rough that not even his own mother would nuzzle him, though she painfully endured his scratching and biting at her teat.

While other lambs played and frolicked in the vale, this lamb would venture far and wide, taking pleasure in his solitude.

One day he found a cave, with a flickering sun within. Drawn to it, the lamb ventured closer, savouring the warmth as he came nearer and nearer.

Until he saw the wolf.

It was lying down in front of the flickering sun, and slowly raised its head, wild white eyes staring.

“Hello little lamb,” it rumbled. “Come closer. Lie with me in front of the fire”

“Fire?” the lamb asked. It had only heard tell of such a thing once before, when the old black ram of the herd would recount the tale of the broken sky and the tree. The ram had spoken with fear, but the lamb looked on with joy. He slowly moved closer.

“Yes, that’s it. So much braver than the rest of your kind”

Then he saw that the wolf was tied down, a thick vine running round its neck to a heavy rock. Had he come any closer, the vine could have reached him. He stopped, and returned the wolfs hungry gaze impassively.

The wolf gave a low, hoarse laugh. “And smarter too. It matters not. The skin wearer will have scraps for me. He wants me starved, not dead” The wolf lowered its head, looking sad and confused. “It has been so long since I have killed anyway. I keep forgetting the old things. Too many of the new in my head”

“Skin wearer? New things?” the lamb asked curiously. He was still young after all, and loved new knowledge.

“Sit! Come! Heel!” The wolf spat each word out like a curse. “It makes me do things other than I am, whilst it wears my brothers fur as its own. Such a beast there never should be. Oh how I hate it!”

The lamb could not help but feel sorry for the wolf. “Then why not fight it? I see your claws are long and your teeth are sharp. Surely you are more terrible than it?”

The wolfs eyes went dead and it cringed. “I must not bite the hand that feeds” it said softly. Those awful nothing eyes met the lambs “You see, this is what it does. It makes you think things you never would, forces its ways into you. You slowly change. Already I am forgetting how to hate. Already I begin to love it. What am I in the face of such things? A terrible wolf? HA!”

There was a stirring further back in the cave. The wolf cowered. “I have woken him. Quickly little lamb, flee from here, and unless you want to be remade, flee from all such beasts. Surely death is a better fate”

The lamb took heed and ran from the cave, but not before hearing the last growl of the wolf turn into a pitiful yelp that never finished.

Eight suns later the lamb had found its way back to the cave. And there, lying on the ground was the skin of the wolf.

Slowly he crept up to the cave. Slowly he crept up to the wolf. Slowly he crept into its skin.
It was so lovely and warm. The lamb had never felt so safe. He moved its head to the front, and looked out through where the wolfs eyes had been. This felt right.

The lamb wore the skin out of the cave. Stepping clumsily due to its great size, he made its way back to the herd.

As he drew nearer he smelled death in the air. Upon reaching the vale he looked down at what had befallen.

Most of the herd had fled. Those that remained were dead or dying, with a pack of wolves tearing at them. The lamb watched unseen until they had ate their fill and left. Then he came down, and tried to find the trail of those that had fled.

He searched five suns for his herd, all the while wearing the wolfs skin. Nothing attacked him.
And finally, he found them in the one place he didn’t want to search-near the cave. They were all penned up, in a strange dead tree hedge that went all around them.

The grey lamb approached, and saw his mother.

“I found you!” he cried joyfully.
“Baaa” said the mother.
“I can free you! I can free you all!”
“Baaaaaaa” cried another.
“Baaaaaaa”
“Baaa”
“But…”
“Baaaaaaa”
“Baaaaaaaaa”

A terrible truth hit the lamb. The sheep’s coats were all cut short. He didn’t need to think who had done this. His heard. His family. They had all forgotten themselves.

The lamb turned and walked away. Not knowing where else to go he made his way back to the vale. The bodies were still there, as were the wolves. The lamb came down and approached them, waiting to be eaten.

Instead, the wolves greeted him.

“Welcome brother”

“Come eat with us”

“The meal is cold, but hasn’t yet spoiled.

The lamb looked down at the bloody remains of the old black ram who had told him about fire. Slowly he lowered the wolfs jaw down and open, and forced himself to eat.

Here’s a truth for you to keep
Better to run with wolves than live as sheep

Adverse Camber

2009-10-27T07:18:00.000-07:00

This miserable weather is getting to me. Or maybe it's my poor diet, lack of exercise and mild alcoholism.

Halloweens outfit has been confirmed, and honest abe shall take the podium. a drink divided cannot stand. My brother fell off the wagon hard on Thursday, and i joined him, though I had slightly less of a distance to fall. I ended up trying to the spoon the dog, but Larrys only intertesed in the rough stuff. Then I spent the entire hangover trying to work back my failing guitar hero skills, it's embarrassing how much i suck now.

We were sad and played yugioh. Chazz it up baby

Then at another unrelated party i dared people to feel my girlfriends boobs. someone did, which was annoying. I'm a jealous pimp

thought of the day-Shepards are just sheep with crooks

That fresh soul smell

2009-10-27T07:15:00.000-07:00

Douglas looked around the sterile room and felt an unwilling kinship with it. He too had been swabbed down and purged of as much bacterial presence as was physically possible. A gleaming man in a gleaming room. Blinking with stinging, fresh washed eye lids he observed all the spare parts that hung about the place, some of which observed him. No, not a gleaming room. A gluing room. These were old thoughts however, and did not trouble him greatly.

The air pressure door opened with a hiss and in came Dr Franklin, all brisk and business. He was after all, a busy man. Excelling at what he did, Dr Franklin was in high demand. Both his craft and the skill in which he practised it required one to be either very rich, or very powerful. Douglas was under no illusions as to which category he fell into.

“Well now Mr Peace glad to see you back so soon” Dr Franklin said as he strode up to Douglas and shook his hand. The courtesy was turned into task and the hand was lifted up to be studied. “Hmm, yes discolouration already. Only to be expected of such early work” He then lifted up Douglas’ other hand to compare. There was an unsettling lack of symmetry between the two
“Only a 52 year difference as well” the Dr murmured, as if this was no time at all. “Still, it’s a wonderful example of how far we have come, don’t you think?”

Douglas flashed him an infant smile as he was guided to the bed. He knew the question was rhetorical and any attempt to begin conversation would be ignored. It seemed to him that even though people now had much more time on their…hands, they were a lot less inclined to spend it on such frivolous tasks as chit chat. Yet it did amaze him how streamlined things here had all become. Previously there had been endless forms to fill and tests to take. And at the end of it all there was still no guarantee of success. Back in the beginning, some of the less skilled blood monkeys had reported failure rates of over 40%. Not that this had dissuaded people. And now here he was, only a few days within making his appointment, first being brought to the operating table, now lying down on the operating table, now having tubes inserted into him on the operating table, now breathing in the gas on the

Now waking up on the operating table. Then a few more tests, a small fortune to be handed over electronically (when was the last time he had actually seen money?) and that was that. He gave Dr Franklin another handshake, firmer this time, and went on home.
Douglas had lived in the same apartment for over 80 years now. It felt stale, even through it had the very best air recycling unit. Over time, he had owned enough possessions to fill it ten times over, but much had been given away. There was a whole library worth of books out there that used to be his. Current furnishings were much sparser.

He sat down on his thick, worn chair and retreated inwards, losing himself in the simple process of remembering.

It had been thanks to his parents that he was able to have his first replacement. When he was born they had asked for the stem cells in his umbilical cord to be saved. This wasn’t an entirely altruistic action on their part. His dad thought it could be used to help cure his own testicular cancer, perhaps even grow a whole new ball. But they had both died in a car accident before this plan could be carried out.

And so he had been left alone to grow while his cell line did the same. It wasn't all that arduous. His parents had been exceedingly wealthy, leaving him a very well cared for orphan. And eventually, his fathers’ investment had paid off. An accident while clay pigeon shooting had resulted in his hand had been blasted to smithereens. Rather than accept a prosthetic, he decided to have a replacement.

That had been the first, but far from the last. The body was a very treacherous thing indeed. Most parts of it were only good for 40 years or so. His heart had been replaced twice and he had gone through 5 livers, heavy drinker that he was. In fact practically every part of his body was a replacement. The only law against such procedures was no growth of brain tissue, and even that was scheduled for review. Beyond that you could have as many spare parts for yourself as you wanted, speedily grown and ready to replace what ailed you.

Yes, the Hayflick limit had well and truly been defeated. The process by which cells could only divide a set number of times was a moot point. The elixir of life was nothing more than a gooey clump of undifferentiated mass, waiting to be fashioned to your needs.

The reason he had so many replacements was simple. He didn't want to die. Douglas was no coward, but he saw no sense in letting death come to him if it could be avoided. Hence his many trips to the blood monkeys for refittings and tune ups.

Douglas stood up and stared deep into the mirror. He closed one lid and looked at himself through a teenager’s eye. He then swapped to the other and the world was viewed from a much older perspective. It had lived a long and unhealthy life he had led. So long. He had been to christenings and funerals of the same people. Friends passed like seasons. He didn't look old, but he certainly felt it. He didn't like to think about his age, but when he did he tried to calculate an average from all the different parts. Given today's operation then he had actually lost a few years.

He looked at the offending article. A second hand second hand he thought wryly. Was he still the same person that he was when he was born? Practically no part remained that he had been born with. Perhaps he had had his soul accidently replaced at some point as well. it wouldn't surprise him. All Douglas knew was that he would keep going on, refreshing his cells so they could keep dividing. Just like an immortal cancer.

There was a small noise. The mirror in front of him fell, the nail it hung from bent out of shape. Glass shattered on the ground. Douglas looked down at the pieces for a long time. Then he went out, came back with some glue, and patiently began to piece it back together in the wooden frame. When he was finished he looked at his handiwork. A criss cross face looked back.

The internet does it again

2009-10-02T05:43:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyuoUwxCLMs

No, i've no idea why either

Accademic pandemic

2009-09-29T06:28:00.000-07:00

Back at uni. Back to paying unreasonable prices for books i'll only pretend to have read. Back to zoning out in lectures and bullshitting through workshops. Back to emailing excuses about late essays that are in fact, quite legitimate reasons

Still, at least i have that smug self superieor air that all 4th years affect. and as an added bonus, i have both wednesdays and fridays off. there is going to be some major party heartying let me assure you.

apparently all the hard work i've doing for my dissertation just aint good enough, so sayeth my supervisor. i, on the other hand, think that having a picture of a lego man in a duplo house perfectly highlights the themes of failing to connect.

thought of the day-how do you know when sour cream has gone off?

modern times make a clockwork mind

2009-09-17T06:25:00.001-07:00

I called up the taxman today, in the hopes that full time studentness would score me some cash back. He was very unhelpful and patronising, but the gist of it is that i'm earning too much mula annually (by a mere £200 or so) and so qualify as full time employed. BAH. TV said my university experience would be all about booze broads and zany antics. instead i spend more time working to go to uni than i actually spend there.

Had to temporarily pay council tax as well. That man was far more helpful, and assured me that i could claim it back at a later date, so least thats one thing to be thankful for.

its depressing when you wake up, go to work, finish, go to bed, then go to work. in the past 4 days i aint been anywhere else but bed and work. And i'm still poor!

but plans have been set in motion to make this haloween one of the very best ever, so free yourselfs up team, cause its gonna be sexy!

And I sure as hell don't know why this is saved on my hard drive

2009-09-07T06:26:00.001-07:00

I like ponies and rainbows and the colour pink
I like ponies and rainbows and the colour pink
I like ponies and rainbows and the colour pink
I like ponies and rainbows and the colour pink
I like ponies and rain I like ponies and rainbows and the colour pink
bows and the colour pink
I like ponies and rainbows and the colour pink
I like ponies and rainbows and the colour pink
I like ponies and rainbows and the colour pink

I'd forgotten i'd written this

2009-09-07T06:18:00.000-07:00

Breaking the 4th wall

“Hello”
“Hi”
“We’ve met before haven’t we?”
“Well we’re the only two people here, so I think it quite likely”
“Your name is John right?”
“Yes, and yours is Derek”
“Right”
“Right”
“Right?”
“Yes, there is a right. It’s right over there, to the right”
“My right or your right?”
“Mine”
“So the right is actually to the left?”
“I guess so…look can you just turn around so we’re facing the same way. That would be a lot simpler”
“Well why can’t you turn to face me?”
“Because I’m facing the right direction”
“I thought right was over there…or was that left?”
“Right, what I meant to say was I’m facing the correct direction, and if you did too then we would be happily unified in our perspective of direction, time and space”
“Well how do you know you’re facing the correct direction?”
“Look at the wall in front”
“My front or yours?”
“Oh, just look behind you”
“Ok”
“HA!”
“What?”
“Now you ARE facing the right direction”
“Sneaky bastard, I hope there’s a point to all this”
“Now we have the same view of the world, I shall explain this point”
“I hope that’s not innuendo”
“No, now look at the wall in front of you”
“Ok
“It’s different from all the others, isn’t it?
“Well, let me just turn around and see”
“You better not stay turned around”
“OK, OK. I see what you mean”
“Then explain why they are different”
“The other 3 walls are solid, thick and black, while the wall in front seems to be thin, white and almost transparent”
“Which I think, given its uniqueness, should call for it to be called the front”
“Ah, well I guess that makes sense. Kudos to you”
“Why thank you…Derek?”
“…Is that right?”
“No. That’s right over there”
“Ah, fair enough. But wait, if we’re surrounded by four walls, doesn’t that mean we’re trapped?”
“Blast, I hadn’t considered that”
“Maybe our oxygen is running out and we’re about to die. Maybe every breathe we take is just a sad recycling of every breathe we’ve ever given”
“Maybe I shouldn’t have farted then”
“Chances are you’ve only farted the same air that you breathed in anyway, so it’s kind of a moot point”
“Regardless, you’ve invigorated me to form a daring escape plan. I’ll be damned if I’m to spend eternity composing words from my mouth that are given voice by my anus”
“Very poetic”
“Just talking shit really. Now, it seems clear that we must break through one of those walls in order to be free”
“Ok”
“And it seems equally clear that those black walls seem impassable”
“Impenetrable”
“unbreachable”
“Unfathomable”
“Their black voids might stretch forever until they come back on themselves for all we know. The right side might just in fact be the very end of the left”
“Right”
“No left. And I think it safe to assume the same of floor and ceiling”
“What about the back?”
“Well maybe it does stretch to the front as the left and right and top and bottom do, but that’s a risk we’ll just have to take”
“So how do we break this 4th wall?”
“Well, it only seems paper thin. I guess we could just run through”
“That seems rash, we break all our bones”
“More likely to result in a paper cut actually”
“Don’t you hear noise on the other side though? Like teeth chattering or lots of tiny high heels walking across a plastic floor”
“Hmm…26 by the sound of things. Not counting punctuation, numbers and formatting. But fine, if you’re going to be such a coward about it, I’ll go myself and stick my head through so peruse. Or my name isn’t John”
“Isn’t it?”
“Right! Now forwards I go. Chaaaaaaaarge!”

BOOOSHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………?

“STOP RAPING ME WITH YOUR EYES!”

KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBBBB

“Well, what’s it like out there?”
“…..I don’t want to talk about it. I’d rather sit in here with my own odour as sustenance than risk breaking the 4th wall again”
“Did you notice it just healed up after you pulled your head back in?”
“Good! No more red veined lines assaulting the blue iris mote and breaching the black keep of the pupil!”
“I wonder, does that mean if you break through the 4th wall and stay there, that there is no coming back to this world? That once real there, you would cease to exit here, from now until infinity comes back on itself like the very walls around us?”
“Please. Just don’t. Break. The 4th. Wall

fuck WMG

2009-09-03T09:00:00.000-07:00

my holiday came and went, with the expected excess of boozing and spending. Now i'm poor and the plan is pretty much just work till uni starts (christ knows when that is) BUT far more importantly, i figured out yet another global conspiracy from too much time on the internet and daytime TV.

while i suggested earlier that the reason you got all those adverts asking you to send in old mobile phones for big bucks was to get them back cause they give you cancer, i reckon now its probably bigger than that. They just want you to buy all the shiney new phones instead, partly for unnessecary consumerism, but mainly cause all the new phones got hi tech tracking devices in em! (probably) its the exact same reason they want you to send in all your old gold. with no private indiduals owning any gold, it loses all its purchasing power and yet another form of currency is lost, bringing us all one step closer to a single world currency. which of course will be issued by a single world government, who will of course only issue it to those who stick to the rules. I think it only a slight exaggeration to say that in future we will see a direct inverse relationship between the number of different currencies out there, and the number of civil liberties we have. And yes i did get super bored and watched zietgiest again.

Thought of the day-am i the only one that thinks that there are people that actually get paid to go around posting negative comments on subversive youtube videos?

annorlexic disrexic (another potential band name)

2009-08-11T05:55:00.000-07:00

well, the ridiculously long summer holiday is fast heading to the finish, and i've ridiculously little to show for it. HOWEVER, I have decided to step up my game and can now recite 8 verses from memory of Billy Joes seminal "We didn't start the fire" Only another 7 left to memorise. Will i make it in time for the 1st blindfolded karyokee challenge of the student union??? Gripping stuff.

it is less than a week till my long overdue holiday from work, with only 20 more labourious hours rota'd in. And let me tell you that time has decided to make out with turtles, snails and any other lethargic animals it can get its lips around. Sunday limped for 12 hours and Yesterday positivly CRAWLED like a caitpillar for 13. it is no exageration to say that even the clock was to tired to caress the top numbers.

On the upside, foolish rotaing has given me an extra day off, so i can go back home and celebrate my good friend rosses 21st, and far more importantly my freedom from the mind forged manacles of work. in preperation i am doing my best to avoid booze till that happy day, where i will get drunker than a skunk who lost his wife in a tragic car accident. plus i can hit on both rosses MAW and his sister. there is literally no way that could end bad for me.

Thought of the day-lets be honest, we all secretly wanted dick dasterdardly to win at least once

I am not a number-merely a series of letters

2009-08-04T06:48:00.000-07:00

you know, i don't think i've been 100% healthy in about 5 years. i spend more of the year with a cold than without it and my body seems to see saw between shivers and sweats hourly. Then again i guess most people spend the majority of their life not being 100%. Probably we all hover in the mid 70's and 80's. Only monks and fitness gurus feel the best they can feel within any concistant time frame

In an unrealted thread of thought, am I the only one that is VERY suspcious of all those adverts and websites that offer to pay you for your old mobile phones. There is almost certainly some scam or plot going on there, maybe old phones never passed safetly tests so they're being called in to avoid lawsuits. or perhaps ear cells are being harvested to create clones, having carefully been culitvated and mutated by all that microwave radiation. Well they sure aint getting my phone! mainly cause i lost it (Although a call did reveal that it is now owned by a surely old man who is also called Robert)

I saw the last episode of cult hit series The Prisoner, and was dissapointed. And worried. I've a sneaky suspcion Lost will end in a similar manner, despite all those fan theories I checked and crossed referenced. It seems that absolutely no female lost fan like Kate, though i suspet thats out of polar bear prision sex jealousy.

thought of the day-I wonder if the queen likes coronation chicken

A factotum soul

2009-07-21T05:54:00.000-07:00

Full time work is OVER, and you'd think i'd be rolling in it. exept i'm not a billionair playboy that fights crime at night. turns out i play a RIDICULOUS amount of tax on my full time earnings, which with any luck can be claimed back from the man and his complex military industrial complex.

anyway, with the extra money i figured i'd buy myself a swanky suit. then we actually went suit shopping and i DIED of boredom so that plan was put on pause, whereupon i pushed A and had the bazuka car to his thing. i very much suspect the money will go where it always does-to my liver and kidneys and my being awesome in general. and novelty t shirts.

The big summer of reading could be going better. but it could also be going worst, so with any luck i won't have any unread books in my room-a pet hate of mine. i've noticeced a hell of a lot of stephen king in the charity shops actually. looks like the old dude is past it.

Typically now work is lessened so has the sun. Global warming is such a tease, but i guess we'll all get burning hot skin rashes soon enough. suits me fine anyway. makes places quieter and people less stir crazy. will also keep the orange walks down, which lets be honest have lost all real meaning and are just scummy piss ups.

was thinking about growing my hair long again, getting some ink on me and finally stepping up to the open mike with the band name of Fleshy circuits. if i even do one of those three things i will be a happy happy man.

Also have some holidays booked. west highland way keeps looking appealing to me. and i've never been that far north. then again i might exchange walking for wheels and go on some crazy road trip, with zany happenings.

Saw an ungrown man cry last week. It wasn't fun. have to meet the womans mother tommorrow (presumably a woman as well) will probably be hungover and look like shit, which lets face it i always do.

the bad boyfriend list

2009-07-21T05:40:00.000-07:00

Reasons why i am bad boyfriend

Mild alcoholism
refused admission to cinema while on date as result of above
occasionally smother girlfriends face with pillow
occasionally hide under bed and refuse to exit
force girlfriend to stand on my back (for chiaropractic reasons)
make suggestive comments about girlfriends sister
make suggestive comments about girlfriends brother
ate girlfriends xmas chocolates (gifted by me)
drank girlfriends birthday wine (gifted by me)
fell on girlfriend to cushion my own fall
occasionally hide small objects from girlfriend and pretend they never existed
grew beard and pretended it didn't exist
force girlfriend to make obscure video game references
disclose unnecessary information
named girlfriends boobs individually (lincoln and reginald)
wear girlfriends clothing (accidently)
use girlfreind as battering ram for clubs
make innappropriate pregancy jokes
make innappropriate gynacological jokes
force girlfriend to be big spoon
strangle girfriend while sleeping

Maybe it was a bad idea to put these all together in the same place....

I'm blogging. FACT!

2009-06-25T07:00:00.000-07:00

BLUURGH, full time work again. 30 hours in 3 days, plus it's busy busy busy with the good weather. And to add insult to injury, my title of "the handsome one" has been usurped by handsome paul! Damn him and his deep brown eyes, honey dew skin and flowing hair. Still, means the females tip bigger, so probably a financial win. Plus it turns out i am now on a dazzling 6 pound and hour. perhaps down to working bloody hard, but more likely to do with turning 21.

Passed exams, so i gues that means I'm now a BA. holding out till next year so i can be a BA hons.

the last few weeks have been down right abusive, what with me showing up to work pissed twice (no one notices a difference) and on one occasion drinking so much my tongue started bleeding. truly i am a role model foe young children everywhere. I blame bukowski. reading his shit just makes me want to drink. And take dark pleasure in my hangovers. no one hungover ever had to question their existence. And it is one way of sticking it to both the capitalists and communists.

I am also rediculously late to the trend, but have discovered Dr horribles sing along blog. and guess who'll be going as captain hammer this haloween. ME. FACT!

Every sentence can be made more awesome by putting the word fact at the end. FACT. Just picture yourself at the bar. "I'll have 3 jack daniels and coke FACT!"

quote of the YEAR-the ankles are like the knees of the feet

crazy times

2009-06-15T07:56:00.000-07:00

i showed up drunk at work the other day, still running merry on the fumes from last night. i know i looked drunk and certainly acted drunk, declaring loudly about how work trys to keep a man down from his proper state of existence, and yet no one gave a shit. maybe its because half the other folks that work there do the exact same thing, or maybe its because they just expect it of me. what i do know is that the first 3 hours zoomed by, at which point i sobered up and the next 3 CRAWLED.

dave the rave came in. did a velma from scooby doo impression, and was EXTREMELY surely in the morning. but all in all a fun time was had by all. except my hat was stolen in camp arse. again.

then another night there was opperation gay, which was me trying to scam the homosexuals into buying me drinks by pretending to be one of them. i even wore a sailor hat (though surpisingly the gay bar was devoid of village people) cut a long story short a lot of men said a lot of nice things to me but by then i had gotten myself good and drunk and was makin sweet moves on my hoe. foshizzle.

thought of the day-isn't it a bit pointless to advertise HD tv on a normal tv?

summer to do list

2009-06-09T07:08:00.001-07:00

finish novel(a)
finish play
Learn all the words to we didn't start the fire
construct beer pong stadium
heal
get ass up to preforming standards with guitar
grow a thick mane of glorious hair
try and not offend anymore single mums (they hold a mean grudge!)
buy some clothes that fit
MAYBE suit up
be awesome

Whoops, just cross that last one off as already done!

alternative like a knee to the groin

2009-06-04T08:47:00.000-07:00

Feel I've been neglecting old Betsy here for a while, so time to post some new shit. watched the MTV Movie awards, and not surprised to see twlight getting an unfair amount of goldage. Vanessa Hudgens was PRETTY PO'd about missing out on best kiss as well. Also got THX 1138 for no other reason than it was £3. It's pretty lame, but after reading 1984 every single distopian novel or film seems lame in comparison. Betcha big bucks that Orwell had a time machine, and in fact that H.G Wells is just a very lazy psedonome he went by. Also read Kafka's the trial. Felt dumb for not following it well, then relieved when i learned it was never actually finished.

My 21st came and went. got a guitar (a fender no less) which means in my room there is now 4 guitars, a ukelele, a harmonica and a metronone. couple that with all the books, graphic novels and empty booze bottles I'd like to think someone would stroll in and say "my my, what a cool happening guy must live here." Providing they had no sense of smell of course.

I've started a vicious rumour that my girlfiend spikes all my food and drink with booze, knowing that it softens my adamantium heart and i become exponentially more affectionate while drunk. it's the sneakist excuse ever for mild alcoholism.

thought of the day-you'd think that hospices would be subject to frequent orgies. i mean what else is gonna happen if you stick a bunch of people together that are soon to die

Kidney hangover

2009-06-04T08:34:00.000-07:00

Everyone gets hangovers
but mine are kinda special
I don't get them in my head
I get them in my kidneys!

How can kidneys be hungover?
yet they twist and writhe and bite
like two horny snakes
trying to fuck

And everyone gives me advice
Drink water! Shower! Spew!
Eat fry ups! Run! Wank!
Pah, I do all those anyway

But no one offers me THEIR kidneys
all fully functioning
with perfect nephrons.
Damn those tight fisted bastards

stuff is happening

2009-05-14T07:03:00.000-07:00

I remember hearing once, that utopia and dystopia are the same thing. In a dystopian society there is no choice as eveything is chosen for you, while in a utopian soceity there is no need for choice, as everything is perfect. Point is be very wary of anyone that bangs on about utopia.

Apparently our university is being sold off in chunks, and every course that doesn't have "pracitcal applications" ie that isn't engineering, pharmacology, prosphetics (i hear we educate people to make great fake legs) is being stream lined. Like a turd. so it's a bad time indeed to be doing an english course. And i can only imagine the level of mocking when i graduate with a degree in creative writing. I know that language students have had to go to the other university in order to complete their course, as the language department has effectively been shown the door. and you should have seen the module selection thing for next years classes, was lame beyond lame. only thing that jumped out at me was childerens lit.

Star Trek was good, what with an alcoholic womanising kirk stealing the show. kinda ruined my captain pike piece though, and time travel is and forever will be lame. I'm getting a bit sick and tired of it as a plot device, and Lost lost some major respect points when it slipped that finger in. also romulans? who gives a shit about romulans. a cold evil vulcan would have been a far better antagonist

bah, exams are getting to me. seems the more you study the more you worry. I never stressed two weeks ago. on the plus i actually have a reason to learn about sir fancis bacon, who's name always captures my ravenous attention

A new low

2009-04-30T05:41:00.000-07:00

Well it seems old bobby boy has hit a new low in his life, and lets be honest a large portion of which has been spent closer to the ground than the sky. what was it this time, you zaney chap? I hear you cry. well it all started with the amazing idea to start drinking at 11am. Hardly crazy, considering it was the last day of class and all. But as always moderation failed me and those damn appltinis sure pack a whollap.

So, 6 hours later i remember i have a date to get to. tickets have been booked for the cinema and hugh jackman awaits (swoon) So i stagger on up and pretty much assult my girlfrined in a playful manner outside das kino. Unfortunatly times must be troubled as it turns out the cinema now employs door staff.
"Sorry, but you've had too much to drink. have a coffee and come back in an hour"
It took a while to sink in, but when i realised, i took it well. fair play to the gent, i was none too steady on my feet. however, my lady friend had to endure the SHAME of asking for a refund, and the reason had to be recorded on paper. Customers boyfriend was too intoxicated to be allowed entry. Now i know what you're all thinking-HOW AWESOME IS ROBERT. the answer-VERY!

no idea why but young miss DIDN'T kick the shit out of me later, mainly because i am a VERY affectionate drunk. its the only times i'll admit to having feelings.

Also, how many now adults do you think have been screwed up for having seen apparent"childrens" film watership down when they were kids.

ALSO my new thing is when peeing in close quaters at a urinial with other gentlemen (or women with funnley things) is to quote ghostbusters and say "don't cross the streams!" little side not, i've finlly sussed out my mini diesseration project angle. the title is-Technology and the supernatural-the machines of ghost busting. Finally got back my essay where i talked about g-strings as well. 57%! get it up you floss butts!

my rattle bag

2009-04-19T04:58:00.000-07:00

The Fruit Bowl

In the fruit bowl there are
Three yellow oranges.
Two wee kiwis.
A fermenting apple.
A honey dew melon-
crowned by the web
of a money spider.
Lots and lots of dust-
dead skin on fruit skin
A guilty onion
And....a goldfish
that doesn't remember
why it is there.

that shit aint legit

2009-04-11T09:04:00.000-07:00

Imagined conversation in Glasgow English lit- "And so, by examining architechture that was typical of the time of Charlote Bronte's Jane Eyer, we can see how one culturual medium-the design of rooms, has effected another, the instances of listening-hearing and eves dropping in Jane Eyer."

"I see how it effects the semantics, but what about the prominant liminal zones?"

Real conversation in strathclyde english lit-"J.K Rowling was clearing an anti-semite, as exemplfied by her characterisations of goblins as large nosed suspicious bankers that don't trust the burgious wizards"

"Shut up Robert"

Imagined conversationat in cally english lit- some people think shakespeare might have been gay...

You're gay!

...or even a woman

You're a woman! Woo lesbians!