insidear

Tom Sawyer Pirate Update

2006-10-11T23:29:00.000-07:00

I've received copious e-mails from people who just can't believe the story about Tom Sawyer Island getting a Captain Tom Sawyer pirate overlay. Really, it's not all that incredible. In fact, it's pretty much what Mark Twain intended.

If I may quote from chapter 8 of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer (with bold added so you can skip most of it if you're feeling lazy):

Tom presently began to drift insensibly back into the concerns of this life again. What if he turned his back, now, and disappeared mysteriously? What if he went away -- ever so far away, into unknown countries beyond the seas -- and never came back any more! How would she feel then! The idea of being a clown recurred to him now, only to fill him with disgust. For frivolity and jokes and spotted tights were an offense, when they intruded themselves upon a spirit that was exalted into the vague august realm of the romantic. No, he would be a soldier, and return after long years, all war-worn and illustrious. No -- better still, he would join the Indians, and hunt buffaloes and go on the warpath in the mountain ranges and the trackless great plains of the Far West, and away in the future come back a great chief, bristling with feathers, hideous with paint, and prance into Sunday-school, some drowsy summer morning, with a blood-curdling war-whoop, and sear the eyeballs of all his companions with unappeasable envy. But no, there was something gaudier even than this. He would be a pirate! That was it! now his future lay plain before him, and glowing with unimaginable splendor. How his name would fill the world, and make people shudder! How gloriously he would go plowing the dancing seas, in his long, low, black-hulled racer, the Spirit of the Storm, with his grisly flag flying at the fore! And at the zenith of his fame, how he would suddenly appear at the old village and stalk into church, brown and weather-beaten, in his black velvet doublet and trunks, his great jack-boots, his crimson sash, his belt bristling with horse-pistols, his crime-rusted cutlass at his side, his slouch hat with waving plumes, his black flag unfurled, with the skull and crossbones on it, and hear with swelling ecstasy the whisperings, "It's Tom Sawyer the Pirate! -- the Black Avenger of the Spanish Main!"

So there.

Pirates, pirates, Jedi, princesses, pirates, and pirates

2006-10-09T23:34:00.000-07:00

Tom Sawyer, Pirate

The Disney portion of the Internet has been aflutter since rumors sprouted that Disneyland's Tom Sawyer Island would be replaced by a Pirates of the Caribbean-themed attraction. Disney fans protested that Tom Sawyer Island was one of Walt Disney's favorite areas (he had played there as a child), that the reason nobody ever visited the island was that most of it was currently closed/broken/lame, and that it didn't make a heck of a lot of sense to have a Caribbean island surrounded by the Rivers of America.

Well, the Walt Disney Company -- always attuned to the wishes of Disneyland annual passholders and assorted Mouse fanatics -- announced late Monday that they had a solution. They would go ahead with the pirate-theming plans in order to please younger guests who didn't know any form of literature that hadn't been converted into a video game, but they would combine it with the traditional theme, thus making everyone happy.

Expect to see the new Island of Captain Tom Sawyer (pronounced "Tom Soy-arrrr") open in time for the new Pirate movie premier in May of 2007.

New Turnstiles

On one of your daily visits to the Disneyland Resort, you may have noticed that the parks now have new turnstiles at their entrance gates. The new high-tech entrance devices are intended to cut back on ticket and annual-pass fraud by using a complex series of sensors and algorithms to detect guests attempting to enter with ticket media that is not appropriate. Violators are tagged with indelible red dye, similar to that used in explosive dye packs intended to foil bank robberies.

On Sunday evening, a six-year-old girl who was handing all of her party's tickets to the entrance cast member was blasted with red dye (covering her from head to toe and throwing her more than six feet). Cast members reminded her shocked and flabbergasted family that guests are required to hold their own tickets, and that in recognition of the girl's age, the park would not be pressing charges.

Jedi Cutbacks

The Jedi Training Academy began performances at Tomorrowland Terrace this past week. Hoards of young Jedi wannabees crowded for their chance to learn basic lightsaber technique and fight Darth Vader, Darth Maul, and (when crowds are particularly large) Jar-Jar Binks. There were a few glitches in the first performance, as the Jedi who was supposed to choose participants based on their "fullness of the force" refused to choose anyone because he couldn't feel the force emanating from any of the children. The cast member was not present at later performances, and an internal Disney memo announced a policy of never hiring method actors ever again.

Another small problem arose the first day when Darth Maul, wielding an extremely cool looking double-lightsaber created by Imagineering, accidentally lopped one ear off of a kid's Mickey hat. All lightsabers used in the show are now plastic models with no magnetic-field-contained plasma fields or anything else particularly geeky-cool. Bummer!

Year of a Million Dreams Update

As of Monday morning, the "Dream Team" had already given out all 1,000,000 of the Year of a Million Dreams prizes. "We didn't expect them to go so fast," said one cast member, "but it was so fun we just couldn't stop." Management is still trying to decide whether they will change the name of the event to "Week of a Million Dreams" or just hope that nobody notices. In any case, it is much to early to announce next year's "Year of a Million Pirates" campaign.

Princess Fantasy Faire

The Fantasyland Theater has reopened in its new incarnation as the focus of everything princess. Young girls of all ages can now come here to meet a princess, have their hair done, get a new gown, learn how to act like royalty, or hear a princess tell a story. All of this princessly wonderment is available at no charge to guests (unless they want to meet a princess, have their hair done, get a new gown, learn how to act like royalty, or hear a princess tell a story).

The Princess Fantasy Faire opened just in time for an announcement from Disney Marketing that it would be closed and replaced with the Tinker Bell Fairy Fantasy Faire.

New Disney Legends

There was a ceremony on Monday at Walt Disney Studios to formally induct a number of new people into the list of official Disney Legends. This year's inductees include:

Pecos Bill
Paul Bunyan
Babe the Ox
Sluefoot Sue
The Killer with a Hook for a Hand

Congratulations, official Disney Legends!

Matterhorn Update

The Matterhorn Bobsleds are set to reopen mid-December. This is right on schedule, even though the conversion of the Abominable Snowman audioanimatronic figure into a Davy Jones figure is taking longer than anticipated.

The Ear is Back

2006-10-02T16:40:00.000-07:00

I had to step away from the computer for a few minutes, and what with accidentally kicking the refrigerator and spilling my drink and summer and all, I'm afraid that I let a bit too much time pass between updates. Anyway, sorry about the nine months of silence. I'll try and avoid letting that happen again.

So, skipping everything that happened during that time, here's what's new on the Disney theme-park scene.

Back to the Future

The rising-from-the-ground stage in Tomorrowland has reopened. Gone is Club Buzz and in its place is the old Tomorrowland Terrace. Who knew that they still had all those old decorations around? Long-time fans of Disneyland are pleased to see the stage return to its roots and look forward to many happy evenings of listening to cover bands sing family friendly versions of current hits like "Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor," and "Yummy, Yummy, Yummy."

Halloween at Disneyland Resort

Disneyland management decided that with record income, everything in good shape, and Michael Eisner gone the park just isn't inherently scary any more, so they're doing some actual decorating for Halloween this year. Decorations at Disneyland include:

The floral Mickey at the front of the park has been replaced by a Mickey created entirely out of gourds. A topiary Ferdinand the Bull stands nearby, completing the "Mickey is gourd" (sic.) theme.
There are decorations all down Main Street, U.S.A., including pumpkins on the lamp posts, pumpkins in the shop windows, a gigantic pumpkin standing where the Christmas tree usually goes (in fact, careful observers will see that the pumpkin has actually crushed the now-flattened tree), pumpkins on building eves and roves, and pumpkin replacing meat in all eateries, to complement the pumpkin-flavored popcorn and churros.
Next week Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln will return, but he'll be headless and have a pumpkin wearing a stove-pipe hat under his arm.
The Haunted Mansion has been rethemed as Haunted Mansion Holiday, completely ruining all the ride plusses that were installed a few months ago. Also, this year's decision to fill the Mansion's ballroom with Halloween-themed rubber "'pumpkin" balls for the same of a lame pun might have sounded good on paper, but is just plain sad in reality.
Big Thunder Ranch has been converted to Alameda Slim's Halloween Roundup. In keeping with the theme, all of the petting zoo goats have been replaced by fainting goats that go stiff and fall over when startled. It's funny to watch them whenever an unattractive person with a belly shirt walks by.

Disney's California Adventure has not escaped what Disney Marketing is calling "Halloweefeever" (for some reason). The sun wheel now sports a domino mask, and the Boudin Bakery tour sports a film featuring the always horrifying Rosie O'Donnell, but the biggest change was made to the Golden Dreams theater. Golden Dreams is now Golden Screams, and instead of showing a film on the history of California starring Whoopie Goldberg (terrifying though it was), it now screens a brand-new feature on the most horrifying moments of California Adventure's past. These include the look on the faces of all the people who stayed in line all night to be the first in the park when it opened, people at mid-day wondering why there was nothing left to do, a complete ride through of Superstar Limo, and much more. Oh, and just for fun, during the month of October the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror will run backwards, ramming loads of guests into the building's ceiling at high speed.

Year of a Million Dreams

The Year of a Million Dreams event has gotten off to a slow start. Rumors have it that, even though the event was promised to be huge, some cutbacks may have to be made. We hear that "Year of Ninety Thousand Dreams, Give or Take a Thousand" shirts and other media are being prepared, just in case.

By the way, one of the big prizes in this contest is a night's stay in Sleeping Beauty's castle. As wonderful as this sounds, keep in mind that the inside of the castle is a bare storage area, infested with rats and spiders. If you win, pack a sleeping bag and get your shots.

Tween to Get "High"

The High School Musical Pep Rally premieres in Disney's California Adventure this week, to entertain teenagers and make adults say, "Huh?"

The Autopia to be Made Sub Standard

The Autopia is now closed. It turns out that the new submarine ride required more space than originally anticipated, so part of the Autopia is being reworked. When it's done, the Autopia will actually pass through the submarine lagoon, possibly in some kind of Holland Tunnel-type affair.

Hairy Matters

Note that the Matterhorn is still closed for the abominable snowman's annual shampoo. It's apparently taking longer than usual because much to the annoyance of Imagineers, the monster is demanding a perm.

Vault Walt

Early this month, Disney's Vault 28 will open in Downtown Disney. The cutting-edge clothing store, themed as a vault of Disney's rarities, will have as its showcase the (simulated) frozen body of a certain Uncle Walt.

Pixar Buys Disney

2006-01-24T09:45:00.000-08:00

In an amazing turn of events, Pixar animation company has purchased 51% of Disney's stock, effectively giving them complete control of the entertainment giant. Wall Street immediately went insane.

"This is a disaster," said one analyst. "If Pixar applies its philosophy to Disney, we may see shareholder value take a back seat to such nebulous concepts as 'story' and 'guest experience' -- things you can't even begin to attach a dollar value to. Have you seen the enormous paint bills at Disneyland since that new guy took over? I tell you, it's just a drop in the bucket."

Disney feature animation employees were informed that they would now experience a minimum of interference from management in exchange for more responsibility for their work product. The few remaining long-time employees were so overjoyed that one of them actually had a mild stroke. Newer hires were apparently overwhelmed by the news and unsure how they would proceed with so much creative freedom.

Simultaneously with this announcement, Apple Computers announced that a huge variety of ABC and ESPN shows would soon be available for purchase through iTunes, as would "a vast collection of classic Disney television." Fans look forward to watching Zorro on their black iPods.

Rumors of a wrecking crew gathering outside of Disney's California Adventure are completely unsubstantiated.

SPECIAL REPORT: MISSING!

2005-12-24T15:37:00.000-08:00

Anaheim, CA: A missing person report was filed by the Walt Disney Company on Saturday December 24. According to witnesses it was at or near his customary 3 PM break when Kris Kringle suddenly vanished from his position of portraying Santa Claus at the Disneyland Resort. Also missing are eight tiny reindeer. Anyone with information as to the whereabouts of this missing person is encouraged to call (800) 225-2057.

Monsters Ink

2005-12-23T12:27:00.000-08:00

Since things are so crowded at Disneyland I thought I would just report on anything new or remotely interesting right here at DCA. Tucked back in an obscure corner I found a delightful attraction called Monsters Ink. It must be fairly new because I don't remember it from my visit last summer, I think it was closed that day. This attraction seems to be based on an obscure Disney/Dreamworks movie titled "Superstar Limo". In this adventure you start out at the Hollywood exit on the Los Angeles freeway, the name has been cleverly disguised as "Monstropolis" which is simply an anagram for "Hollywood". Soon it becomes very obvious that something has gone terribly wrong, there are no movie stars in this place! It seems that Hollywood has been invaded by monsters! There seems to be two main characters involved, I wish I knew their names but I will simply call them "Big Blue" and "Eyeball". It seems that Big Blue and Eyeball have gotten themselves into a bit of trouble because they have kidnapped a little girl and are trying to turn her into a monster by stuffing her into a monster suit. Not to fear as there is a color changing monster that can climb up walls that comes to the little girls rescue. Finally it somehow all comes together and the last monster you see is Ms. Onionhead who will wish you a merry Christmas or Happy Holidays depending on your religious persuasion. (I never did figure out why it is called Monsters Ink, I think it had something to do with the fact that the original film was all hand drawn animation or that Big Blue seems to have spilled some ink all over himself.)

Remember... When news breaks - we bring you the pieces! Only at InsideEar.com

Click the Comment button below to add your unique insights to the story.

The Disneyland Crush!

2005-12-17T17:10:00.000-08:00

Disneyland management is finally doing something about the massive holiday crowds visiting the park this season. The first thing I noticed was the red poles set up in front of ticket booths #1 - #12. These poles are set with only about 8" of space between them and you must squeeze through them in order to buy a ticket. All people who cannot squeeze through these poles, along with people with strollers, wheelchairs, and walkers are instructed to go to ticket booth #13. I was lucky enough to squeeze through the poles and enter the park but I did notice that the folks coming in from booth #13 were met with a tram and were given a ride to some unknown destination. At first I thought the poles were some sort of metal detection system but I soon figured out that Americans have "Supersized" themselves since 1955 and this was a great way of keeping the "oversized" people out of the park!

I was taken back by the fact that there were no costumed characters to greet the children entering the park, instead management has replaced them with simple cardboard cutouts "to save precious space" in the park. The kids still had fun getting their pictures taken beside them and kicking the cardboard characters in the shins. I guess some things will always stay the same.

It was quite an ordeal to get to the end of Main street, I got several dirty looks as I shoved my way through the crowd. At one point someone shouted, "Hey look! It's the InsidEar!". I was really embarrassed, I must of had about about a thousand people staring at me. I almost wish I hadn't shouted.

Another 20 minutes later I arrived at The Indiana Jones Adventure. The line was packed as usual but something seemed different but I didn't figure it out until too late. When the ride was over we were sent through some "emergency exit" doors leading South through a tunnel. At the end of the tunnel we had to pass through a one way revolving door and I found myself in DCA along with a record number of screaming children in strollers, handicapped people and just plain fat people. I guess the holiday crowd control plan was working!

Matt Ouimet leaving Disneyland!

2005-12-13T10:15:00.000-08:00

The rumor mill is buzzing like a bee in a honey pot over the news that Matt Ouimet, current benevolent dictator of the Disneyland Resort, will be leaving Disneyland for greener pastures. Although Ouimet is very popular with the Disneyland faithful and has done wonderful things for the park, he hasn't stopped looking toward the future and the possibility of career growth.

It's no secret that Ouimet misses life in Florida, and a position as chief executive of the Walt Disney World resort recently opened up, but despite what some have said, Ouimet isn't going there. "Florida is so 'been there, done that' for me that I'll never go back," said Ouimet in a secret, unrecorded conversation that nobody can prove didn't happen. "Disney World is great, but it's not what I want. I'm looking for new thrills, new adventures."

This is why, in mid-2006, Ouimet will leave Disneyland and join the circus.

"I've always wanted to be in the circus," said Ouimet. "Greg [Emmer] tells me that there was even a circus at Disneyland at one time, and if there was room I'd bring it back. But that's neither here nor there -- I'm going to live my dream and become a hobo clown. I'm learning that neat routine where you pretend to sweep up a spotlight with a broom, and as soon as I've got it down, I'm out of here."

Given the great job Ouimet has done cleaning up Disneyland, we can only assume that he'll do just as well cleaning up that spotlight.

Good luck, Matt!

Disneyland staffing problems

2005-11-29T09:02:00.000-08:00

Those of you who will be visiting Disneyland during the busy holiday season should be aware that the park is still very much in the throes of a staffing crisis. The new "zero tolerance for being even a minute late" policy (referred to by the Human Resources department as "ontimorfiredism") is leading to copious dismissals, and the "minimum wage or bust!" campaign has backfired, causing people to shun Disneyland employment in droves.

In order to make the most of a staff that is stretched thin, Disneyland will, as of December 1, be completely self service on Tuesdays and Thursdays. This means guests will run the attractions, march in the parades, and leave money in an "honor system" basket when taking purchases. Guests who do not like the system can go to City Hall and complain to themselves.

We'll let you know how it works out.

Thanksgiving goof

2005-11-24T15:10:00.000-08:00

The InsidEar just received news of a major mix-up at Disneyland. By now you've certainly heard that President Bush "pardoned" a pair of turkeys just before Thanksgiving and sent them to live at Disneyland. After a number of ceremonious duties, they were supposed to take up permanent residence in the Big Thunder Ranch area for the enjoyment of guests. But due to an unfortunate error, that didn't happen.

Don't worry, the turkeys didn't end up as turkey-leg-cart stock -- but they may well end up wishing they had.

Apparently, the turkeys' paperwork was sent to the wrong department, and starting today they are being paid minimum wage to bus tables at Rancho del Zocalo.

In a possibly related story, Disney today announced that a pair of recent high school graduates had taken up permanent residence in Big Thunder Ranch.

Working at Disneyland

2005-11-22T09:59:00.000-08:00

The Mouse is currently hiring folks like it’s going out of style, so this might be the time to land your dream job at Disneyland! But before you sign the required waivers and long-term contract, InsidEar wants you to read 20 things you should know about working at the Disneyland Resort.

They pay you in Disney Dollars.
They still use the 1955 wage scale.
Daily park admission is deducted from your pay.
Uniforms are called costumes, and you are responsible for maintaining and cleaning your costume, including the official underwear (until recently, “Eisnerwear”).
If you are hired as a “head character” (a costumed character with a mask), the upside is that Disney will maintain your costume, but the downside is that you are not allowed to talk. To anyone. Ever. Even on the phone.
Disney is so desperate to hire that they no longer pass on an applicant simply on the basis of a hideous appearance. In an unrelated bit of news, custodians and food preparation workers are now “head” characters.
Shortest shift: Tinkerbell with her 23-second fireworks performance.
Longest shift: Any of the "Audioanimatronic" character's.
Employee's discount applies only to leftover food, defective merchandise, souvenirs with a previous year printed on them, and unclaimed stuff in Lost and Found.
Employees walk the tracks of all thrill rides at least three times a day picking up trash, and this must be done with care because the cost of stopping a ride to clean it is prohibitive.
If you call a guest a “customer” you get slapped in the face.
If you don’t know who “Uncle Walt” is, you get assigned to Main Street horse-drawn-carriage shovel duty until someone else makes that mistake.
The "Redhead" is not available for private parties (although she was once launched from a cake for an Imagineer’s bachelor party, but that’s a long story).
Despite anti-discrimination laws, all Disney princesses are played by women, except for Mulan who is a man on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and alternate Sundays.
Be sure to request a specific assignment within the park so that management will have something concrete to deny.
Full-time employees are eligible for benefits (shift of 168 hours / week or less is considered part-time).
Benefits for full-time employees include half-price weekday park admission, a free collectable pin and lanyard, two churros a week, “Goofy’s Dental Plan,” and unpaid overtime.
Asking for time off during the holiday season is one of Disney’s “seven deadly sins” (namely “sloth”). The other sins are Pride, Envy, Gluttony, Dopy, Bashful, and Sleepy.
Wearing "Golden Mouse Ears" to your job interview will get you laughed at (albeit respectfully).
When you see your first tiny, little paycheck, remember the official employee slogan, “You can’t put a price tag on dreams!”

Cast members, click on the comment link below and add your own helpful hints.

New Disney Theme Parks

2005-11-21T14:02:00.000-08:00

Since the overwhelming success of Disneyland Resort's California-themed park, ironically located within driving distance of the very locations it recreates, the new Disney management team has green lighted the creation of several new theme parks which will open around the country over the next few years:

The Grand Canyon Adventure -- Flagstaff, Arizona
The Alamo Adventure -- San Antonio, Texas
Niagara Falls Jungle Cruise -- Somewhere on the border of New York & Canada
Disney's Salute to Ceder Point -- Sandusky, Ohio
Disney's Statue of Freedom -- Freedom Island, New York
Disneywood Studios Park -- Pigeon Forge, Tennessee
Disney's Lilo and Stitch Volcanic Hulapark -- Maui, Hawaii
Disney's Utah Adventure -- (location still to be determined)
Disney's Seven Dwarfs Mining Adventure Camp -- Calico, California
Disney's Live Alligator Farm -- Swamphampton, Florida
Disney's 7 flag Adventure Parks -- Various locations throughout U.S.
Disney's Maine -- Maine

Disney will also be opening Epcot-style international pavilions across the country beginning in 2007. These pavilions will be one- to three-acre "mini theme parks" each themed with the distinct food and architecture of a different country, and full of opportunities to purchase "native" wares from actual inhabitants of the country presented! The tentative lineup at the time of announcement was:

Disney's Canada Pavilion -- Ottawa, Canada
Disney's Italy Pavilion -- Venice, Italy
Disney's Japan Pavilion -- Osaka, Japan
Disney's Morocco Pavilion -- Marrakech, Morocco
Disney's China Pavilion -- Beijing, China
Disney's Norway Pavilion -- Oslo, Norway
Disney's Germany Pavilion -- Paris, France (it's a long story)
Disney's Mexico Pavilion -- San Diego, California

On top of all this, there is talk of a new Disneyquest-ish establishment to be opened at Walt Disney World in Florida. The entertainment establishment's tentative title is Disney's Disney World Resort Theme Parks Adventure Complex, and it will include recreations and simulations of buildings and attractions from all over Walt Disney World, including itself.

"Mini Mice"

2005-11-18T14:53:00.000-08:00

Few people know that deep under Tomorrowland lies one of the nations largest DNA research labs. For over 25 years the Disney Corporation has been working with DNA splicing various species of mice and has only recently managed to produce Mickeyus Mouskateerium which is a large headed species that closely resembles Mickey and Minnie Mouse. This species is unusual because the animals walk upright and can talk, sing, and dance. Originally conceived as a means of saving production money for their animated features, a new marketing team has unveiled a whole new possibility -- after all, what child wouldn't love a talking, singing & dancing Mickey & Minnie mouse of their very own? To ensure a steady income for the Walt Disney Company (and an a compliance with Disney's family-friendly image), these tiny Mickey and Minnie's will not be able to reproduce on their own. They also eat nothing but special Imagineer-designed "Disney Cheese," which contains special nutrients not found in any natural substance. A large number of "accessories" will also be available for these adorable pets... shoes, hats, anvils, robotic brooms, etc.

A persistent rumor holds that some success has been made with a cloned set of Barbie-sized Disney princesses. They apparently are absolutely adorable but tend to be a bit demanding and too "stuck up" to be a valuable plaything for children. The first attempts at genetically engineered "Goofy" dogs were too horrible to behold and had to be destroyed.

More Movie Tie-Ins To Come

2005-11-12T22:13:00.000-08:00

Since the announcement of the reworking of Pirates of the Caribbean in the image of the film of pretty much the same name, there has been a great deal of buzz within the Disney executive offices about the possibility of additional movie tie-ins if this one is well received. It's pretty much agreed that adding Eddie Murphy to the Haunted Mansion would lead to, at best, violent riots, so sights are being set elsewhere.

In particular, they are being set on the upcoming The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. If this film is as successful as many believe it will be, there is talk about retheming a Disneyland attraction each time one of the films in the series is released. The tentative breakdown is as follows:

The Lion, The Witch, and the Teacups
The Magician's Monorail
The Horse and His Carrousel
The Walt Disney Story, featuring "Great Moments with Prince Caspian"
Sailing Ship Dawn Treader
The Silver Chair Saloon Stage (featuring Prince Rilian and the Hillbillies)
Star Tours: The Last Battle

We'll be sure to let you know more details as the situation develops!

Pilgrim's Progress -- The Movie

2005-11-11T15:19:00.000-08:00

Things have come full circle from the dark days in the 1980's when members of the Southern Baptist churches were banned from Disney theme parks due to their outrageously conservative values. In a bold and unprecedented move Walt Disney Pictures will be releasing the unrelentingly allegorical Pilgrim's Progress -- The Movie next fall with Keanu Reeves in the title role.

While many atheist groups have already voiced their concerns that this film may contain morally objectionable elements that would certainly corrupt their children Walt Disney Productions asserts that the film will appeal to a wide range of audiences. To play up this feature, the will be promoted to Christian groups as a religious film and to other groups as a "delightful walk in the woods" filled with suspense and personal challenges. Even so, Disney has decided to avoid accusations of proselytizing by changing the names of two main characters from Christian and Christina to Chuck and Moisha.

If this film is successful, Disneyland fans can expect a major rehab to the Indiana Jones attraction in the near future and a whole swarm of sequels.

What's Bugging You?

2005-11-10T12:09:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered just what exactly is hiding behind all of the facades around the Disneyland park? This last month the InsidEar explored behind the scenes and made a rather surprising discovery.

It seems that behind all of the properties owned by the Walt Disney Company is a little dark secrets: Beetle Rot!

The culpret? The boring beetle: beatalis eisninoris michaelis lechivorus

This insidious creature certainly lives up to it's name, we observed them for hours and they are as boring as ever. It seems that this subtle infestation began sometime in 1984, and for over 20 years the uninteresting beasties have been quietly destroying the very foundation of the company. A Disney spokesperson dress in full beekeeper’s garb tells us that the company is well aware of the beetles and assures us that they were removed at the end of September. (Apparently, it was a slow process as ASPCA protests made it necessary to relocate the insects to a preserve in Valencia instead of eradicating them.)

However the InsidEar would like to point out that a great deal of damage was done over the years and much of it is going to take many years to fix. At least this will close the book on a very sad chapter of Disney history.

Walt's Strawberry Farm

2005-11-09T09:46:00.000-08:00

Negotiations have recently been completed to purchase the area across
from the old Disneyland parking lot (which some refer to as DCA,
whatever that means). This will allow the Walt Disney Company to add
yet another park and to fulfill one of Walt's life long dreams. When
Walt's girls were young he took then to the local Food-O-Rama store
and was was very disappointed with the stacks of fresh produce on
display. Walt was from the midwest and he knew that there was a
better way. His was then determined to build a produce stand where
fathers could take their children and pick the fruit themselves, while
getting their hand dirty in the process. It would be a real live
roadside produce stand right in the heart of the Los Angeles basin.
Unfortunately Walt was already committed to building the "Disneyland"
theme park because his girls so much wanted to meet Mickey Mouse that
these plans got laid aside.

This month the Walt Disney Company has committed themselves to honor
Walt's wish. As this item goes to press, plans are being laid to
create a brand new Disney theme park -- Walt's Strawberry Farm! This
park will be implemented in three year long phases beginning next
summer after the 50th celebration is over.

PHASE 1: Will feature a large dirt parking lot, five acres of
strawberries and a produce shack. Visitors will be directed to the
park with large plywood signs spray painted "Fresh Strawberries
U-Pick-Em!" (this will lend a nice folksy atmosphere to the new park).
Visitors will also enjoy the special Walt's Strawberry Farm jams &
jellies available exclusively at Walt's Stawberry Farm.

PHASE 2: Visitors will want to come back the next summer to see the
new pioneer village. Here they will learn how to card wool, make
horseshoes, quilt and other important skills. Also a real live steam
train will encircle the park, the best part is that the train gets
"robbed" on every trip!

PHASE 3: New attractions will be added that will guarantee returning
visitors. First they will add a mine train ride, then a log ride, a
corkscrew roller coaster and a white water rafting ride! Where else
in Southern California could a family have so much fun!

There is no need to add a phase 4, since by the time a family has
visited 3 years in a row it becomes a much anticipated family outing,
this really simplifies the marketing efforts. The best part about
this new park is that aside from the original land investment it will
not drain funds away from the company. All improvements will be
funded solely by the strawberry sales.

Screaming Saf-Tee-Net(tm) abuse?

2005-11-09T05:53:00.000-08:00

The DCA management team is scrambling to deal with the latest O.S.H.A.
reports concerning the California Screaming roller coaster. It seems
that guests are misusing the Saf-Tee-Net(tm) harness system that was
carefully put into place after the last catastrophe on this
attraction. O.S.H.A. reports indicate that these nets are being
"stuffed" with nonessential items such as sunglasses, cell phones and
digital cameras making the nets unavailable for personal use during an
impending disaster. This is a clear sign of a complete failure at the
DCA management level, as guest were not expected to have any valuables
left over after paying the admission price of the park. Starting next
week all guests will be directed to drop off all valuables at Pluto's
Pawn Shop in Downtown Disney in exchange for a handful of Disney
Dollars before entering the park.

Chicken Little

2005-11-08T15:07:00.000-08:00

There has been quite a buzz around the halls of Disney regarding their latest feature animated film, Chicken Little. Some are saying it's the best all-CGI feature-lengh cartoon Disney has produced in-house. Others are calling it a wake-up call for people who fall asleep in theaters. And although the jury is still out -- what with only 17% of top film critics having turned in their positive reviews -- there is a strong feeling that Chicken could go down in history, one way or the other!

Some thing, though, are not so subjective and open to debate. For example, take a look at these statistics about the film, taken from yesterday's press release about the movie's spectacular first weekend:

1) Chicken Little is the second Disney feature to be based on one of Walt Disney's original Silly Symphonies (the other was "The Nightmare Before Christmas," based on the award-winning short "Skeleton Dance.")

2) A record number of people were fired to make this film possible.

3) It has the longest all-dialogue joke about pee ever committed on film.

By the way, there is already a buzz in Hollywood that a precident-setting voicework-only best actor Academy Award nomination may be in store for Adam West thanks to his brilliant performance.

I'll have more news as it becomes available!

First Post

2005-11-07T23:18:00.000-08:00

There have been big things going on here in the offices of InsidEar. We've shaken things up a bit, and decided to start posting whenever there is news to post instead of waiting until the beginning of the month. In a few days, I'll post the first bit of important Disneyland Resort news to this new blog. Until then, just keep reading this paragraph over and over!