Cheeks n Paste's ramblings! (With very occasional bits by Digby!)

I can..

2008-08-31T23:00:00.000+01:00

Despite what is below, I can spell, honest.

Cheeks

A Most Unortunate Coincidence

2008-08-31T22:51:00.002+01:00

Last week, a gentleman in China called Mr. Xu swore before God and witnesses that he did not owe his neighbour 500 Yuan (40 quid) which he had, indeed, borrowed 3 years previously and not paid back. He denied ever having borrowed it.

The nieghbour said that if he dared to swear before God that he had never borrowed it, he (the neighbour) would let it go.

So Mr. Xu swore, in public and before witnesses that, before God, he swore that he had never borrowed the money and that may he be struck down if he told a lie.

Within seconds he was hit by a lightning bolt from clear sky.

Mr. Xu is expected to make a full recovery and has agreed to pay the debt.

This must be true because the Sunday Times says it is.

Hmmmm......

2008-07-31T22:11:00.002+01:00

I would seem that the Iranian President Ahmadinejad (checked and that IS how you spell it) may quite possibly have been misquoted.

Before we embark on another Middle East Adventure, which this time would certainly result in World War Three, it is now said that he did not, as has been universally reported, say that Israel should be wiped off the face of the world.

According to Farsi scholars, what he actually said was, 'The regime occupying Jerusalem must vanish from the page of time.'

Not exactly neighbourly, true, but not the same thing.

Let us fervently hope that we are not misled once again into another disaster.

Don't forget, you read it here frst. Unless you first read it in the paper I got it from.

Gordon Brown

2008-07-29T20:58:00.002+01:00

Gordon Brown flies into Washington, still an unknown quantity to most people in the U.S. Despite his bizarre appearance on American Idol recently. In advance of the trip, profiles of the Prime Minister have been appearing in the U.S. This column tuned in by satellite to Eye-Witness News, Palm Beach , for a preview of the visit:

'Good morning America , how are you? This is your favourite son, ChadHanging, reporting. The President of Englandland, Norman Brown, is arriving in our nation's capital this afternoon to meet with President Bush. But just who is this guy? Let's cross to our special correspondent Brit Limey.

'Hey, Chad . As you can see, I'm standing in the world-famous Trafalgar Circus, with the House of Fayed directly behind me.

So what can you tell us about Norman Brown?

Well, Chad , he has been President for some nine months now. He used to be Chancellor.

What, you mean he's, like, German?

No, that's what they call their Treasury Secretary over here.

And is he a Conservative, like President Tony Blair?

No, Chad . He's Labour. President Blair wasn't a Conservative, either. He only pretended to be.

So how did Brown get the job?

He just kept shouting at President Blair until he stood down.

But he won an election, right?

No, Chad , there wasn't an election. He did think about calling one, but decided against it because he was frightened he might lose.

How can you change Presidents without having an election? I mean, it's not like President Blair was assassinated.

That's just the way it works in Englandland. The leader of the party with the most seats in the House of Lords gets to be President.

So Norman Brown was elected leader of the Labour Party?

Negative, again, Chad .

He did raise money and have a leadership Campaign, but no one stood against him.

What, nobody? No primaries, no general election, nothing?

Affirmative, Chad .

Let me get this straight. His party hasn't elected him, the country hasn't elected him, yet he still gets to be President. Sounds like a Tinpot Commie dictatorship to me.

You could say that, Chad .

Norman Brown doesn't really like anyone being given the chance to vote on anything.

Someone must have voted for him, some time.

Oh, yes. He was elected to the House of Lords by his constituents inScotlandland.

He's Scoddish, then?

That's a big Ten-Four, Chad.

So is he President of Scotlandland, too?

No, that's a guy called Alan Salmon.

Hang on, if Brown's from Scotlandland, how can he be President of Englandland?

That's just the way it goes in this crazy country, Chad .

Brown can makeLaws for Englandland, but not for his own people in Scotlandland. Not that it matters much because Brown has signed away most of Englandland's Lawmaking powers to unelected European bureaucrats in Brussels, Belgiumland.

That would be like Stripping Congress of the power to make laws inAmerica and handing it over to Mexico .

I guess so.

How in the Hell did the people of Englandland vote for that.

They didn't. Brown wouldn't let them, even though it was a solemn Promise in his party's manifesto the last time people were allowed toVote.

Couldn't the Supreme Court have stopped him?

Not really.

The Supreme Court of Englandland is now in Strasbourg , where the geese come from.

Isn't there any opposition?

There's a guy called Boris.

Sounds Russian.

I wouldn't be surprised, Chad .

There are millions of Eastern Europeans living here now, mainly in Peterburl. Englandland has seen Mass immigration over the past ten years, but no one voted for that, either.

What in the name of Ulysses S. Grant is going on over there, Brit?

We're talking about the country which gave us Magna Carta, saw off the Armada, stood alone against Hitler and invented parliamentary democracy. How does Norman Brown get away with it?

He must be a popular guy.

Far from it, Chad .

According to the latest opinion polls, he's the most Unpopular President ever. His approval ratings are even worse thanGeorge Dubya Bush.

There's talk about him having to stand down soon.

He's already promised the job to some guy who works for him - name of Balls.

Say again, Brit, You're breaking up.

Balls.

You're damn right there, buddy.

Best Caddie Remarks

2008-07-29T20:54:00.000+01:00

#10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."

#9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence

#5:
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It 's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

and the #1 best caddy comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Pretentious Rock Stars!

2008-06-19T18:12:00.001+01:00

A couple of Clinton jokes.

2008-06-19T18:10:00.001+01:00

Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, three kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she offered them whatever they wanted.
The first one says, "I want to go to Disney World." Hillary says, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane."
The second says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
Hillary says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third boy says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset."Hillary is a little perplexed by this and responds, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."

After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.
Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love.
Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?
Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad's definition ."

A Joke

2008-05-28T13:51:00.001+01:00

Patient: Doctor, sometimes I think I'm a wigwam, sometimes I'm a teepee.

Doctor: I think you're two tents.

Global Warming? Climate Change? Or Neither?

2008-04-07T21:41:00.002+01:00

To anyone of a certain age, warnings of global calamity and doom are

nothing new. In the sixties, it was the population explosion - the earth was

going to run out of space for the vast quantity of humanity that was going

to swamp the planet. It didn’t happen.

In the seventies, apart from the imminent demise of oil, we were also

faced with a dip in global temperatures. We were heading for an Ice Age.

It didn’t happen.

Currently, it is global warming. The difference is that global warming has

seized the minds of politicians and the opinion forming classes like no other

issue since the second world war. In Great Britain, the Labour Government

and the Liberal Democrat Party in particular are committed to a massive

range of measures to reduce carbon dioxide emissions, and these measures

will be at vast cost not only to our economy but to the standard of living

not only of this generation but for generations to come.

Is it all a waste of time? Or even a good idea at all?

Who takes the decisions that affect us all? Scientists do not; politicians do,

acting, it must be said, on the advice of scientists. But scientists can tell us

what is happening, and sometimes why it is happening. They cannot tell us

what governments should do about it.

But first things first.

What, exactly, is happening?

Here, then, is the first surprise. There isn’t any global warming. The 21st

century may be only 8 years old, but there hasn’t been any recorded so

far this century. Yes, in the last 25 years of the twentieth century, the

global temperature rose by half a degree. But in the twenty first, nothing

has happened at all. It has come to a standstill.

The best bet from the Hadley Centre for Climate Prediction (part of the Met

Office) is that it may - or may not - resume some time around 2009 and

2014. But the very fact that the current lull was not predicted by any of

the current models proves that this is not an exact science.

The earth needs greenhouse gases. Without them we would freeze, because

every time night falls, the earth would lose all of the heat of the day. The

most effective greenhouse gas, as well as being by far and away the most

common of the greenhouse gases is water vapour. A long, long way

behind is carbon dioxide. In fact, it is not widely publicised that CO2

makes up only .54% (that’s point five four of one per cent) of the

atmosphere. Water vapour, nitrogen and oxygen make up the bulk of the

rest.

Tiny percentage though it is, there is no doubt that, since the Industrial

Revolution, the Human Race has contributed to the amount of CO2 in the

atmosphere; Over the last 10 years no country more so than China – yet

since the rapid expansion of Chinese industry, particularly in the 21st

century, there has been no global warming.

Even the warming that has taken place, climate scientists say, was very likely

caused by CO2 emissions.

Even if the temperature were to continue to rise – which currently it is

not – and over the next hundred years rise by between 1.8 and 4 degrees

which it is projected to do NOT taking into account the current -

unexpected - lull, then we were told by Alistair Darling in his Budget speech

that it would have ‘catastrophic economical and social consequences’.

Poppycock.

Why? Even the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (the IPCC) says

that an increase of up to 3 degrees will lead to an increase in food

production. Yes, an increase. Not a crisis.

Health? The very same IPCC says that such an increase will lead to

‘reduced human mortality from decreased cold exposure’. Our own

Department of Health predicts, by 2050, an increase in heat related deaths

of 2,000; but a decrease in cold related deaths of 10,000. Something that

Ministers and environmental journalists have been curiously silent about.

The IPCC systematically exaggerates the likely effects of warming because

its projections are based on two assumptions, both absurd.

The first is that, whiole the developed world can adapt to global warming,

the developing world cannot. The second is that even in the developed

world, the capacity is constrained by the limits of modern technology.

In other words, there wil be no technological development at all over the

next 100 years.

So far as the first is concerned, surely the developed world will ensure that

aid will ensure that developing countries will acquire the necessary ability

to adapt – it is in their interests to do so.

The second is ludicrous. Even now, the developed world is sitting on

developments in bio-engineering and genetic modification that have the

potential to revolutionise food production.

So, to the politicians. If global warming is going to happen, as they appear

So convinced is the case, how much a sacrifice should the present

generation make in order to avoid it?

The cost of reducing the level of CO2 emissions which we are told is

necessary is absolutely colossal. We are told by those who govern us, and

therefore know best, that we must, by 2050, cut CO2 emissions by between

60 and 80 per cent, and according to Tony Blair, no less, the richer

countries will have to fall to close to zero.

Dear ex-Prime Minister, it ain’t going to happen.

Furthermore, the measures that we are all being encouraged to take – the

feelgood measures, like driving a hybrid car, like installing a wind turbine

on the roof, to not leaving electrical appliances on standby are trivial to

the point of irrelevance. To reduce emissions by the amounts proposed

would require a complete restructuring of the economy, and that ust isn’

going to happen for as far ahead as anyone can see. It may be one day

forced upon us, but it isn’t being planned.

Would it make any sense anyway?

No.

The UK accounts for only 2 per cent of the world’s CO2 output; the entire

E.U. only 15 per cent. So Europe’s efforts are pretty worthless. And the

biggest polluters of the lot, India, the United States and China (in

ascending order) have declared that they have no serious intention of

cutting back at all. So we are wasting our time. In addition, an economist

will tell you that a direct result of cutting back drastically on CO2 emissions

will be to drive industry – or what is left of it in Britain – overseas to China

and India, with little or no reduction in global emissions.

So; is global warming happening at all? I would suggest that that is highly

doubtful.

Is it caused primarily by humankind’s emissions of CO2 into the atmosphere? No.

If it is happening, however, is the human race in any position to stop it by

reducing CO2 output? No.

So let us not forget that water vapour is a far more effective greenhouse

gas than CO2 can ever be, and there is nothing we can do about the

number of clouds. Let us not forget that dormant volcanoes give off 5

times the amount of CO2 produced by the entire human race every year.

The oceans produce 140 times as much. So let us get real.

By the way, let us also not forget methane – how do we stop flatulation in

cattle?

There has been one other interesting by product of this whole issue. It has

Become an issue to transcend all others. It has become a creed. It has

become unfashionable, dangerous, even, to speak against the received

wisdom about global warming. It is heresy to suggest that it might not

actually be happening at all. By the way, it is nowadays referred to as

climate change - the expression global warming is gradually disappearing. Has

someone spotted something?

Either way, it seems to have replaced something else. Global

Warming – or climate change - is a subject that is discussed in terms of

belief rather than fact or reason.

The Green Movement is centred on Europe. Not so very long ago, the

enemy within Europe was perceived to be –and probably was - communism.

Has green become the new red?

Or, conceivably, a new religion? The countries within Europe who are at the

forefront of the green movement happen to be those who have rejected any

state supported religion in favour of secularism. It is very much as if we

are witnessing the manifestation of a human need - the need to have

something to believe in, something to aim at or for, something to defeat.

change, has exposed the human race as weak, greedy, and self centred in a way that no

other event in history has done.

Make no mistake - this time we are in trouble.

A Fascinating Fact

2008-04-03T18:52:00.002+01:00

It is a fascinating fact that an anagram of

Eleven Plus Two

is

Twelve Plus One

is it not?

A Even More Fascinating Fact...

2008-04-03T18:47:00.002+01:00

And I would dearly love to hear a MORE fascinating fact than...

Huey Lewis' grandfather invented the red rind that goes aroud Edam cheese.

Now that is seriously fsacinating.

Life Isn't Fair-Get Used to It

2008-03-30T15:23:00.002+01:00

Bill Gates said that.

Whatever you may think of Bill Gates, he does have a point. Life isn't fair. So let's get used to it.

What prompted this thought just now was reading with a rather pressing sense of gloom about the goings on at the whizzy new Terminal at Heathrow this week. Sheer incompetence, no matter how it might be glossed as 'not our finest hour' by BA. Too right it wasn't and, at this moment, still isn't.

But this is just one more example of what has gone wrong with this country.

NOTHING works properly any more. Nothing. Not government, not society, not business. I am fully aware that we are not the only country-I can't use the word 'nation' any more-where this is the case; and I am also aware that there is not one reason, and not one solution. But I do think that the time has come to reexamine how we look at things, and,as is one of my personal hobby horses, to learn from history.

We now inhabit a society obsessed with fairness, justice, and rights; although it could also be argued that we live in a very unfair and unjust society; there has never before-not since Victorian times, anyway-been such a huge divide between rich and poor; not for about the same time has there been such contempt for those who govern us. NEVER has there been such a dearth of new ideas.

All the new ideas have been had, and all we have now is a variation of what has been thought of before. So, maybe it is time to look back into history and take a deep breath.

Let us take the education system.

Forty years ago, in 1968, this country abandoned the sysytem of Grammar and Secondary Modern schools where more academically able children were educated in Grammar Schools, and the less academically able in Secondary Modern schools. This meant that Grammar School children, by and large, got the best jobs, and Secondary Modern children didn't.

In 1968, it was finally deemed that this system was unfair, and that henceforth all children ahould have the same education, called the Comprehensive System.

Now, 40 years on, those who were in at the ground when the comprehensive system started are retiring, and we look around us at the results of their labours-and we are faced with a stark truth.

That is this: that before 1968, BY AND LARGE, things worked. People knew what they were doing. People knew that everybody wasn't the same; they weren't then and they aren't now.

Things now do not work. People do not know what they are doing. The system has failed. And will continue to fail.

Private schools are not the answer; they are simply for a rich elite. But a return to streamed education? Why not?

A basic understanding of Darwinian theory will show that all creatures are not born equal, but as Orwell said, some animals are born more equal than others. that might not be fair-but life isn't fair. Our children might well benefit from learning that.

Let's get back to knowing our places in life, withut being pressurised into trying to be what we are not.

The Government is trying to pressurise more and more children (I chuckle when I hear on the news references to 'a 16 year old man' or a '17 year old woman'-they're kids) to go to university.

What for? To what end? They don't want to go and the universities don' t want many of them other than for the money they bring in.

So let us stop all trying to be the same, to be equal in all things, because we simply aren't-except in the eye of the law, and long may that remain.

Would we not all have far less stressful lives if we allowed ourselves just to be ourselves, no matter what that might be, and to take away the pressures of trying to be like everyone else?

World Cup 2010

2008-03-30T15:05:00.002+01:00

Yesterday only 36% of players in the Premier League were English.

I can't see how Cappello can succeed-not even on 6 million quid a year. He does not possess the tools to do the job.

World Cup 2010?

I do not think so.

Global Warming takes a Breather

2008-03-25T11:12:00.002Z

If Environmental Journalists reported good news, they'd be out of a job.

So, it has not widely been reported that:

a) There are 2,000,000 square kms more ice in the Arctic than there has been for 3 years
b) The Alps has (have?) experienced the coldest winter for 20 years with the highest snowfall in the same period.

Which, of course, on its own, proves nothing. Like most statistics.

By the way, when Greenland was discovered by the Norsemen-over 1,000 years ago-there was hardly any ice there. Hence the name.

In Shakespeare's day, England had a Mediterranean climate, and grap vines were cultivated almost as far north as Scotland, and peach trees were grown in the south of England.

Also, malaria was a common illness-known as the ague.

Just thought I'd mention it.

Good old Neil...

2008-03-24T22:04:00.002Z

Neil Aspinall died today; only those who, like me, love the Beatles' music and are old enough to go back to the beginning of their careers will have heard of him. But his role in the band's success was absolutely massive, and is worthy of a few words.

Neil was a childhood friend of Paul and George, going right back to school days, and right from those days back in the late fifties right up until yesterday, he was their most loyal friend. Right from the early days at the Cavern, and before as the Quarrymen and the Silver Beetles, Neil was always there to help carry their gear, and to help them however he could.

For years, while Brian Epstein planned their careers from his office, Neil became the driver of their tour bus-an old blue Comma van, for which he was paid £1 a day. He wanted to become an accountant, and continued his studies as and when he could, and finally qualified.

It is not widely known that Brian Epstein, who is credited with masterminding the Beatles' success, was bad with money and bad at doing deals; one of the reasons for his depression which led to his suicide was the realisation of how much of the band's fortune he had thrown away.

It was thanks to Neil Aspinall that they were able to hang on to as much as they did; as well as managing their money he also was a fair musician, playing on Magical Mystery Tour, Tomorrow Never Comes and Day in the Life to name but three.

Because of his loyalty and financial acumen, he was made CEO of Apple in 1970, and remained so until last year. In that time, under his guidance, the band sold a further 100,000,000 albums-not bad as they had split up in 1968.

A grand lad, Mr. Aspinall-one of the little known heroes of modern musical history.

Helpful Hint for Anyone Travelling to Beijing for the Olympics...

2008-03-24T10:19:00.002Z

It seems that the Beijing authorities have started putting out warning road signs in English as well as Cantonese, in preparation for the influx of tourists.

So, if you are going over there any time soon, watch out and take care if you see the one which says:

'Do not cross the railings lest suddennness happens'

You have been warned.

Time for a few smiles!

2008-03-10T21:54:00.002Z

Patient: Doctor doctor I think I'm a moth.

Doctor: You don't need a doctor, you need a psychiatrist.

Patient: I was on my way to one but as I was passing I saw your light was on.

=============================================================

Matrimonial advice from a considerate husband

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,Susie.

Since I retired several years ago, it has became necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I
hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that
they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just
smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if
you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice,
big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than
I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each
other.

Sincerely, Jeff

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jeff somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

=================================================================

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a £20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her £20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.
Bob took the money......

Hallo, Everybody!

2008-02-17T21:18:00.001Z

Well, that was a long snooze.

Time to get blogging......

HA! You thought I'd gone, go on admit it!

2007-12-03T18:27:00.000Z

Some very good discussion points here from the readers of Viz as supplied by Cheeks:

If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.

Christina Martin, London

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.

Johnny Pring

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.

Alan Heath

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.

M Lovejoy

"She can dish it out, but she cannot take it", I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.

Mrs Pinches, Hereford

I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.

S Prodnipple, Scarborough

So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.

D Antarctica, Rhyll

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.

Stella Matlock

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.

T Potter

I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.

A Terrorist

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

Stu Bray

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

Colum Hill

A joke, just for a change!

2007-10-31T22:16:00.000Z

Man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can: Your willy was chopped off in the accident and the paramedics were unable to find it."

The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on, 'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is £1000 an inch."

The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.)....
"So it's a simple decision," the doctor says, "you need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch willy before and you decide to go for a nine willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the right decision."

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So" he says, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have." says the chap.
"And has she helped you to make the decision?"

"Yes, she has" he says.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
.
.
.
.
.
.
." We're having a new kitchen."

Aginoth's Ramblings: Reclaiming the Colonies

2007-10-03T18:18:00.000+01:00

Aginoth's Ramblings: Reclaiming the Colonies

Read it - I insist!

AND

2007-10-02T17:26:00.000+01:00

Also heard of a pal's work colleague whose name is-this is NOT a joke- Beau Bull.

Better than an Irish jockey I met once called Mike Hunt.

What's in a name?

2007-10-02T17:25:00.000+01:00

Today I met someone called Nicola Kak.

It's Next Time Already!

2007-10-02T17:18:00.000+01:00

New definition of the word 'Jobsworth'

Today I went into our town to get a anti flu jab, and parked the car in a car park that is free after 9am.

However, I spied a Parking Attendann lurking, and enquiries revealed that the car park had been Pay and Display since July. So I have got off lightly.

I still had to get a ticket from the machine, even though there was no parking charge. Returning to my vehicle, there was the Parking Penalty Distribution Operative at the BMW Z4 next to mine doling out a parking ticket.

The £40 ticket was for not displaying a ticket confirming that the bloke hadn't paid a parking charge to park in a car park where there is no parking charge. So for not getting a ticket for not paying when he didn't have to pay, he has now has to pay 40 quid.

Sometimes I don't think that the world can get any madder.

Then it does.

Hallo, Everybody!

2007-10-02T17:10:00.000+01:00

Gee, but it's great to be back home. Home is where I want to be-I've been on the road so long, my friend.

Here is a joke:

'Kiss me, doctor.'

'Madam, what are you saying?'

'I'm saying kiss me, doctor.'

'Madam, I can't, you know that. It would be unprofessional, unethical, I'd be struck off. I'd never work again.'

'Doctor, please, I'm begging you, no-one will know. No-one can see or hear us. PLEASE kiss me.'

'For the last time Madam, I can't kiss you. I really shouldn't even be having sex with you.'

Till next time.