tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18355687.post-1155402149698535452006-08-12T04:42:00.000-12:002006-08-12T05:18:14.956-12:00Hot on the heels of the latest thwarted terror event, the TSA has implemented some simple new rules to ensure the safety of all Americans during air travel:<br /><br />1. No liquids of any kind may be brought on board.<br />2. No hair gel, lubricating jelly, or erotic creams are allowed aboard the aircraft.<br />3. No carry-on bags of any kind are allowed on flights to the UK.<br /><br />Adhering to these simple restrictions will help keep America safe. Nonetheless, a contingency plan has been drafted in the unlikely event of another staged terror attack just in time for the November elections...oh, excuse me -- that last line was located in the "for your eyes only" portion of the TSA press release. Please disregard the previous statement.<br /><br />Anyways, what follows are the proposed new restrictions in the extremely unlikely event of yet another terror attack:<br /><br />1. Airline passengers must check all possessions, including watches, wallets, purses, gold teeth and genital piercings. These items become the property of the U.S. government during the duration of the flight. When the time comes to claim said items, it is the discretion of the Department of Homeland security as to whether these items will be returned to their owners.<br /><br />2. Passengers may become subject to "no fly lists" on a completely arbitrary basis. This random process will ensure that the terrorists will become too frustrated with air travel to bother hijacking planes.<br /><br />3. Travelers may be subject to indefinite incarceration in a holding facility such as Guantanamo Bay in the event that their name sounds suspiciously Arabic.<br /><br />4. Before boarding, passengers must shave their heads. Terrorists are believed to have hidden IEDs in their hair during previous terror events.<br /><br />5. Travelers must shave genitalia before their complete body-check and cavity search. Pubic regions are often thick and bushy enough for terrorists to conceal iPods. iPods are detonation devices, remember?<br /><br />6. Travelers must remain nude during the duration of their flight thereby eliminating the ability to conceal shoe-bombs in their clothing.<br /><br />7. Obese travelers are forbidden from air travel. Rotund terrorists have been known to conceal Anthrax baggies in the folds of their belly fat.<br /><br />8. Passengers must void bowels in a special receptacle that must pass a thorough testing process before boarding is possible. Tests may take 4 to 6 weeks, so please allow this much time when arriving for your flight.<br /><br />9. Female passengers are subject to vaginal probing to ensure that boxcutters are not concealed within their reproductive shaft. It has been found that the penis of the TSA inspector is the most accurate means of probing this region.<br /><br />10. Detonating neck collars must be worn by all passengers. In the event that a passenger becomes suspicious (his skin is a little too tan or her dress is just too concealing for her to not be Muslim), a micro-explosion obliterates the jugular vein of the would-be culprit, thus neutralizing the threat and alleviating the fear of the other passengers.<br /><br /><br />If everyone adheres to these easy-to-follow new rules we can all take comfort in the knowledge that the terrorists won't win. Thank you, and may God bless America.Hans Gruberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838586755259329905noreply@blogger.com