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Hiatus

2006-10-29T10:48:00.002-12:00

BBW will be on hiatus while I move to Chicago in the next two weeks. When it will return is anyone's guess.

I Did It! Almost! (New Feature)

2006-10-02T13:14:00.000-12:00

In case you haven't been watching the ever-buzzing BBW board, back in June I entered David Barker's 33 1/3 book series' 'Under 21' essay contest, in which any writer under the age of 21 could submit an essay on any album. The winner would have received two-hundred-fifty smackaroos and would be a for-real published writer, not this silly imagariny interwebs craziness.

Anywho, I wrote about Radiohead's Kid A, robots, and John Mayer, and received an Honourable Mention on Barker's 33 1/3 blog when the winner was announced in July. So now you, loyal Bornbackwards.com reader, can experience my Mention-worthy essay here on this very site! Please read it, love it, and feel free to post a message on the board to let me know how you liked it!

Thaaaaaaaaanks!

You Just Got Punk'd, America!

2006-09-24T08:20:00.000-12:00

During this week's episode of the popular Candid Camera-style MTV show Punk'd it was revealed that the most elaborate and devestating practical joke to ever be exist had been pulled on the American public. In front of an audience of international news agencies gathered by the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C., host Ashton Kutcher divulged the details of the collossal prank.

"Ladies and gentlemen, in September 2001, nearly 2 years before airing our first episode, we began work on the most spectacular stunt in history. Along with our accomplices in the news media, we began our meticulous recreation of the George Orwell classic 1984, complete with phony wars, staged terror and a full-scale assault on the Constitution and Bill of Rights. It was our initial goal to create a scenario in which the conditions present in the United States directly mirrored those in the novel. As you all know, our show's producers usually use a ridiculous, staged situation to bring about an extreme (and hilarious) reaction from the joke's victims. Unfortunately, after 5 full years of pushing this joke to ever further extremes, we never got the footage we were after. Much to our surprise, no one seemed to mind much that the U.S. now tortures captives, spies on its citizens, and bombs civilians with banned weapons. So, we've decided to pull the plug on this uber-punking of Americans. You can all go back to how things were before 9/11. Sorry for any inconvenience."

Popular reaction to this grand revelation has been equally lukewarm. In a CNN/Gallop poll, 86% of respondants state they really don't see much reason to regress to a pre-9/11 mindset, for it would involve all kinds of updates to their Blackberry (such as removing the "Report-your-neighbor-as-a-terrorist" hotline number). Meanwhile, 14% were somewhat pleased by the news, saying it will be nice to finally pull the duct-tape off of the windows.

Spinach and E. Coli, Together At Last

2006-09-19T07:42:00.000-12:00

Truly, a match made in bacterial heaven.

But seriously, don't eat spinach. As of last week, that shit'll kill you. Seven-year-olds across the country finally have a reason to reject the smooth leafy vegetable besides the tried and true, "NO! NO! I DON'T WANT IT! STOP! WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME, MOM?! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU SO MUCH I FUCKING HATE YOU!" Ahhhh, to be young again.

The E. coli outbreak -- which has left one person dead and about 100 sick -- has been traced back to Natural Selection Foods, an organic foods company in San Juan Bautista, California. The spinach experts have been saying that the bacteria probably isn't isolated to just Natural Selection products, but we all know that's just code for how fucked Natural Selection is. Sure, they provide some excellent organic greens, but I know my ass ain't touchin' no E. coli-havin' motherfuckers.

How could this have happened, you ask? Well, sit down kiddies, and let your sexy Uncle Phil take you on a wonnnnnderful journey. It begins in the sun-drenched hills of summertime Germany, where bacteriologist Theodor Escherich has just discovered a type of bacteria that lives in the lower intestines of numerous animals! This bacteria is later named Escherichia coli, because who doesn't want to be remembered as the guy who discovered the strain of bacteria that can lead to an infection in humans that can cause bloody stools or kidney failure! Yayyy! The bacterial infection can be spread when contaminated cow manure is used as fertilizer; through unpasteurized milk and juice; and especially through undercooked or raw meat and vegetables that may have been coated in contaminated fertilizer. Spinach is commonly eaten raw. Eureka!! It was probably the fertilizer!

Well, that's another mystery thoroghly bludgeoned by my genius. Time for a nice big salad!

And that's an addict.

9/11

2006-09-12T05:18:00.000-12:00

Steve Irwin Dead At The Tragic Age of Incredibly Predictable

2006-09-04T05:07:00.000-12:00

Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter--the Australian zoo-god best known for his recent escapades concerning a newborn baby and an crocodile's face--is dead. While filming a new documentary off the Great Barrier Reef in Queensland, Australia, Irwin swam too close a stingray and was stung in the heart by the poisonous ten-inch serrated barb on the ray's tail. Usually, a sting of this sort is merely excruciatingly painful, not fatal; but in this case, Irwin was pronounced dead-on-arrival at the nearest hospital in Cairns, Australia due to the hole in his heart.

Yeah. Seriously. If this sounds totally fucking baller, that's because it is the most ballinest shit ever!!! After a life of hunting dangerous creatures and gaining worldwide recognition for it, Irwin was finally brought down in such a dramatic fashion that I believe he must have found it incredibly satisfying, if not for the whole untimely death thing.

Oh, and the documentary he was filming? It was called "The Ocean's Deadliest." The ocean's fucking deadliest! What are the odds! He wasn't starting production on "Hey, Here Are Some Totally Pussy Sea Creatures" -- it was the fucking "Ocean's Deadliest"!! FUCK YEAH!

Steve Irwin was fucking nuts, and his fucking nuts animal-studying ways will be missed. Watch out for some awesome Discovery Channel reruns of Irwin's merely near-fatal mishaps.

Steve Irwin: straight baller.

World's oldest person dies

2006-08-29T12:32:00.000-12:00

QUITO, Ecuador (AP) -- Maria Esther de Capovilla, believed to be the world's oldest person, has died at 116, according to her granddaughter.

Catherine Capovilla, 46, said Capovilla died Sunday at 3 a.m. local time in a violent shootout with Police in the coastal city of Guayaquil. The shootout followed a brutal nine day standoff in which Capovilla repeatedly threw live mice and corn at police while mocking them via megaphone.

Born on September 14, 1889 -- hilariously the same year as mustachioed brethren Charlie Chaplin and Adolf Hitler -- Capovilla was married in 1917 and widowed in 1978. She took over as leader of the city's gangs after her husband Ernesto died. The coastal gangs are infamous for their use of duck stuffing, a practice in which tourists are attacked, their belongings stolen and a live duck is stapled to their heads as a warning to others.

One hundred and sixteen years of Thug Life.

Robert Young, senior consultant for Gerontology for Guinness World Records, said Elizabeth Bolden of Memphis, Tennessee, now appears to be the oldest person alive.

"Guinness World Records will have to make an official announcement from London," he said to no one in particular. "For all practical purposes, the next oldest person is going to be presumed to be Elizabeth Bolden. She is 116, so i am real sure that she will hold the title for a while... Let the death watch begin."

In her youth, Capovilla liked to embroider cats, paint graphic sex scenes on school property, play piano and dance the schpaltz at parties, her family said. She is unofficially the inventor of the schpaltz, a type of dance that takes 7 hours to perform and requires the use of three chairs, a tub of fresh mayonnaise and a bobtailed ocelot.

She always ate three meals of raw meat a day and never smoked or drank hard liquor. "Only a small cup of meat juice with lunch and nothing more," Irma told AP last December.

A nice cup of meat juice.

For the past 20 years, Capovilla had lived with elder daughter, Hilda, and son-in-law, Martin, when not defending her turf from rival gangbangers.

Very Stupid Man Honored To Cup President's Balls

2006-08-26T06:09:00.000-12:00

Rockey Vaccarella lost his home to the devestating flooding and 100+ mile-per-hour winds of Hurricane Katrina. So Rockey, 41, of St. Bernard Parish, Louisiana took his big ol' "RV o' Freedom" and drove that motherfucker all the way to Washington, D.C., demanding an audience with the President of the United States. And in an interesting twist, he actually accomplished this.

Rockey Vaccarella, fresh out of the fucking awesome White House gift-shop of improbability.

So what does a man who makes such a journey from Louisiana to D.C. at the one-year anniversary of such a tragedy say to the man in charge who did such an awful job of handling it?

PRES. BUSH: I just had coffee with Rockey Vaccarella, St. Bernard Parish, Louisiana. He caught my attention because he decided to come up to Washington, D.C. and make it clear to me and others here in the government that there's people down there still hurting in south Louisiana, and along the Gulf Coast.
And Rock is a plain-spoken guy. He's the kind of fellow I feel comfortable talking to. I told him that I understand that there's people down there that still need help. And I told him the federal government will work with the state and local authorities to get the help to them as quickly as possible.
(some bullshit babbling about bureaucracy and how it slows down the ability to give money to people who need it after surviving a fucking insane natural disaster)
Now, I know we're coming up on the first-year anniversary of Katrina, and it's a time to remember, a time to particularly remember the suffering that people went through. Rockey lost everything. He lost -- he and his family had every possession they had wiped out. And it's a time to remember that people suffer, and it's a time to recommit ourselves to helping them. But I also want people to remember that a one-year anniversary is just that, because it's going to require a long time to help these people rebuild.
And thank you for your spirit.
ROCKEY VACCARELLA: Thank you, Mr. President.
PRES. BUSH: It's an amazing country, isn't it, where --
(I guess Rockey cut off the President in mid-sentence to deliver his gem of a message)

ROCKEY VACCARELLA: It is. You know, it's really amazing when a small man like me from St. Bernard Parish can meet the President of the United States. The President is a people person. I knew that from the beginning. I was confident that I could meet President Bush.
And my mission was very simple. I wanted to thank President Bush for the millions of FEMA trailers that were brought down there. They gave roofs over people's head. People had the chance to have baths, air condition. We have TV, we have toiletry, we have things that are necessities that we can live upon.
But now, I wanted to remind the President that the job's not done, and he knows that. And I just don't want the government and President Bush to forget about us. And I just wish the President could have another term in Washington. You know, I wish you had another four years, man. If we had this President for another four years, I think we'd be great. But we're going to move on.

Mr. President, it's been my pleasure.
PRES. BUSH: You're a good man, Rockey. Thank you all.

What the fuck.

What. The. Fuck.

You drive to Washington all the way from Louisiana and actually get to talk to the President...and you tell him what a great job he's been doing? That's so fucking insane that it makes possible to completely ignore Bush's abominable explanation of what "one-year anniversary" means, and Vaccarella's list of necessities that the FEMA trailers provided for him to "live upon."

Obviously, Rockey Vaccarella is one of the dumbest men in America. Although I understand this meeting was probably conceived as an excellent publicity stunt, I'm afraid it might backfire in the end. Honestly, I think that what we really needed to see in order to come together as a country on a single issue -- that issue of course being, "Maybe Bush is a know-nothing dumbass after all" -- is a man telling the President, who has held a steady 30% approval rating since he ignored the natural disaster that demolished this man's home and possessions a year ago, that he deserves another four years in office. I feel more American already. Kind of.

PRES. BUSH: Hey Rock, I gotta take a piss, you mind holdin' my dick for me?
ROCKEY VACCARELLA: Sure thing Mr. B!!

Nothing Left To Criticize Bush For

2006-08-24T11:48:00.000-12:00

In a startling development, top political analysts have conceded that President George W. Bush has finally reached a nadir where he is simply beyond criticism.

Robert Goldsmith of the Washington Press Corps elaborated, "Bush has achieved a position that no other political figure in history has -- every conceivable failure has now been documented. Lost wars, a ruined economy, corruption, incompetence and the destruction of the American way of life as we know it -- these are merely the beginning of an endless litany of collosal failures our 43rd president has spearheaded. People have simply run out of things to say about this man. Comparisons to Hitler, accusations of being the anti-christ -- these are all old-hat at this point. Bush has simply exhausted the available list of things a human being can do wrong."

Left-wing pundits agree. Carl Johnstone of Democracy Now says, "Five years into this disastrous presidency and we've run out of things to say in our effort to enlighten Bush-supporting morons. Cocaine addiction, drunk-driving, the inability to formulate simple sentences -- none of these things have been enough to crack his core supporters. It seems that there will always be around a third of the population that supports this titanic dipshit. I think he could take a crap on a statue of Jesus on the White House lawn while masturbating onto a dying child's face and the Christian Right would find a way to justify his actions. It's actually quite impressive that one man could be so mythically heinous. I'd call him the anti-christ, but I always believed the anti-christ would be a charismatic figure who was beloved by billions. Bush is just too easy to hate."

Basic statistics support these recent findings: Bush is not only the world leader with the lowest I.Q., he has also done the most measurable environmental damage, incurred the greatest economic loss, and tallied the most wartime defeat of any other leader. His record of criminal behavior, drug addiction and boorish behavior is well documented.

"The guy is unstoppable," laments Guy Standage of Columbia University. "I can't think of anything he doesn't suck at or ruin due to his incalculable idiocy, greed or evil. Dubya is the reverse Midas."

Having now accepted the fact that Bush has done all the wrongs that can be done -- and yet somehow also surviving unscathed -- prominent thinkers and humanitarians worldwide have begun organizing a mass global suicide.

Writers Wanted

2006-08-22T11:46:00.000-12:00

In case you couldn't tell, we need writers. Desperately. The ones we already have are lazy prima donnas who only like to do work once every three months. So send a sample to submissions at bornbackwards dot com with the word reviews in the title and one day you too can be a lazy prima donna. We're looking for both reviewers and news reporters, so if you ever wanted to write for a no-name zine that thinks it's better than it is, now's your chance!

News Flash: Rich, White Colorado Child's Life Worth More Than The Lives of 50,000 Iraqi Children

2006-08-17T10:51:00.000-12:00

With the recent revelations concerning the 10-year-old murder case of Jon Benet Ramsey, it's important that the American public again be reminded that the life of a well-to-do, white, Colorado beauty pageant contestant is worth tens of thousands of times more than the lives of disposable Iraqi children.

Although the civilian death count in Iraq continues to swell (estimated at well over 100,000 by many humanitarian groups) and the majority of the victims have been woman and children, our balanced news media has appropriately disregarded this figure. In an unscientific study (performed by me), it was determined that Iraqi civilian casualties have been mentioned on the air roughly 4 times since the start of the war in 2003. The total airtime given this subject by all the major networks combined equals just under 2 and a half minutes. Conversely, the Ramsey case has had roughly 72 hours of news coverage per station in the past 3 days alone. What we can learn from these figures is profound. Here are some astonishing statistics:

One photo of Jon Benet in an adorable pink dress is more newsworthy than the lives of 17,563 Iraqi babies.

One video segment of the littlest Ramsey is worth more than 47,522 Iraqi infants with missing limbs or birth defects due to depleted uranium.

Each tear from Patsy Ramsey's eyes is equivalent to all the pain and suffering of every living Iraqi child combined, plus their grieving mothers.

That dude that killed Jon Benet is almost as evil as 247 insurgent terrorists in the same room.

Stone Philips' hair is worthy of more televised screen time than a generation of Iraqi children growing up without fathers.

Due to the increased ratings for prime time news shows this week, it has been determined that coverage of the war in Iraq is a ratings graveyard that must be avoided. An undisclosed source at Fox News was quoted as saying, "Thank God that blonde kid got murdered a decade ago -- she's ratings dynamite! ...and I realize we wouldn't show dead soldier's coffins returned to America, but I'd give my left testicle for some footage of Jon Benet's precious little corpse getting exhumed."

New Flying Restrictions Keep Terrorists From Winning

2006-08-12T04:42:00.000-12:00

Hot on the heels of the latest thwarted terror event, the TSA has implemented some simple new rules to ensure the safety of all Americans during air travel:

1. No liquids of any kind may be brought on board.
2. No hair gel, lubricating jelly, or erotic creams are allowed aboard the aircraft.
3. No carry-on bags of any kind are allowed on flights to the UK.

Adhering to these simple restrictions will help keep America safe. Nonetheless, a contingency plan has been drafted in the unlikely event of another staged terror attack just in time for the November elections...oh, excuse me -- that last line was located in the "for your eyes only" portion of the TSA press release. Please disregard the previous statement.

Anyways, what follows are the proposed new restrictions in the extremely unlikely event of yet another terror attack:

1. Airline passengers must check all possessions, including watches, wallets, purses, gold teeth and genital piercings. These items become the property of the U.S. government during the duration of the flight. When the time comes to claim said items, it is the discretion of the Department of Homeland security as to whether these items will be returned to their owners.

2. Passengers may become subject to "no fly lists" on a completely arbitrary basis. This random process will ensure that the terrorists will become too frustrated with air travel to bother hijacking planes.

3. Travelers may be subject to indefinite incarceration in a holding facility such as Guantanamo Bay in the event that their name sounds suspiciously Arabic.

4. Before boarding, passengers must shave their heads. Terrorists are believed to have hidden IEDs in their hair during previous terror events.

5. Travelers must shave genitalia before their complete body-check and cavity search. Pubic regions are often thick and bushy enough for terrorists to conceal iPods. iPods are detonation devices, remember?

6. Travelers must remain nude during the duration of their flight thereby eliminating the ability to conceal shoe-bombs in their clothing.

7. Obese travelers are forbidden from air travel. Rotund terrorists have been known to conceal Anthrax baggies in the folds of their belly fat.

8. Passengers must void bowels in a special receptacle that must pass a thorough testing process before boarding is possible. Tests may take 4 to 6 weeks, so please allow this much time when arriving for your flight.

9. Female passengers are subject to vaginal probing to ensure that boxcutters are not concealed within their reproductive shaft. It has been found that the penis of the TSA inspector is the most accurate means of probing this region.

10. Detonating neck collars must be worn by all passengers. In the event that a passenger becomes suspicious (his skin is a little too tan or her dress is just too concealing for her to not be Muslim), a micro-explosion obliterates the jugular vein of the would-be culprit, thus neutralizing the threat and alleviating the fear of the other passengers.

If everyone adheres to these easy-to-follow new rules we can all take comfort in the knowledge that the terrorists won't win. Thank you, and may God bless America.

An Open Letter To Pitchforkmedia.com

2006-08-09T07:35:00.000-12:00

The folks over at Radio Free Chicago have posted an open letter to Pitchforkmedia.com about the recent Pitchfork Music festival in Chicago. The letter addresses some of the same concerns many of the rest of us out here in zine-land obscurity are feeling as well.

An Open Letter To Ryan Schreiber of Pitchforkmedia.com
Dear Ryan:

Last week when you asked for my photographer's contact info because you wanted to use a couple of the Pitchfork Festival shots that were posted on Radio Free Chicago for your very own coverage, I thought I was doing you a favor. I guess I could've been like, "how much are they worth to ya?" Or perhaps I should’ve got all competitive about things and refused to release any of the pics. But none of that really crossed my mind at the time. Our sites are like apples and oranges. We're local and focus on live music, you're national and focus on album reviews. Not to mention I've respected your work for years and was just flattered that our coverage attracted your attention.

So, even though I got back to you right away, was more than happy to comply with your request and forwarded you Rory's info, why do I feel like I got totally taken advantage of here? Yes, technically, you did follow through with what I asked. Rory got the photo credit, Radio Free Chicago got a link. But c'mon, could you have hidden the hyperlink any better? No bold or underscore on Rory's name...not even a different font color to give even the slightest indication that there's a link there. Furthermore, the piece is solely credited to "Pitchfork Staff," (which is a glaring inaccuracy) so why would anyone even think to look for an external link where there may be more pictures elsewhere?

The point being is that I obviously agreed to let you use the pics because I thought we'd be getting a mention and a nice boost in traffic in return. This is pretty much standard practice these days when trading content between Web sites, no? I would think you, of all people, would understand and appreciate this concept. So why would you bury the link in a non-descript spot that you know is going to lead to virtually no hits for us? Most of all, why would you not even bother to put a quick "thanks to Radio Free Chicago" in your intro or at the very least in a footnote at the end? Come to think of it, you didn't even reply with a quick "thanks, man" via email after I gave you my blessing and forwarded you to Rory?!?

I don't get it...there's no competition here, right? Pitchfork certainly isn't in danger of losing thousands of readers to Radio Free Chicago. You struggled in obscurity for many years trying to get Pitchfork off the ground, no? Why wouldn’t you want to support fellow underground music journalists like yourself in the local community? I could be wrong, but it seems like there's some seriously unwarranted competitive paranoia going on here.

Speaking of which, what was the deal with the clamp down on the press at your festival? Photogs were only allowed to shoot during the first 3 songs, we were banished from the artist/VIP section and given the saddest press area/tent that I've ever seen. To be fair, I guess I don't know how directly involved you were with the festival logistics, but I found it ironic that of all the times I've had press privileges at concerts and other events, I probably received the least amount of access at the Pitchfork Festival...a festival run by a press outlet! You'd think of all the concert/festival organizers in the world, you guys would be the most sympathetic to giving the press easy access and ample amenities.

So, I don't know what's going on over there at Pitchfork HQ these days, but it seems to me that your success has, in fact, totally gone to your head and you need to loosen up a bit. I first sensed this odd paranoia with the way you handled (more like ignored) your split with Intonation. Then, at your own festival, I got this odd feeing that you were limiting press access so that no one could trump your own coverage. Then I thought, "nah...the heat’s just messing with my head, reading into this waaaay too much." I even gave you the benefit of the doubt when I saw you didn't mention Radio Free Chicago in last week's piece. I was angry at first, but then I thought..."well maybe he was in a hurry to finish it, overlooked it, forgot, etc." So I dropped you a line and asked if you could highlight the link better and give RFC credit at the bottom. No reply. “Well, maybe he’ll add a quick note later…” Nothing. Damn, did my conspiracy theory actually have some validity?

The reason I was drawn to your site in the first place years ago was because of its irreverence and honesty. It was completely refreshing in the world of the stale, boardroom-approved reviews found in the likes of the modern day Rolling Stone and Spin magazines. For years I defended Pitchfork to friends, co-workers, drunk dudes at bars, etc. who always bitched that you guys were all pretentious, self-important pricks. "No," I always said, "it's not the staff themselves, it's the readers’ fault for taking their reviews too damn seriously." Well, either things have changed, or I've just been flat out wrong this whole time.

You've still got a great thing going on over there at the 'Fork, and judging by the massive crowd that you drew to your festival, I don't think you're in danger of becoming irrelevant any time soon. So don't fuck it up by getting all insular and cocky atop your little indie rock empire. Otherwise you're in serious danger of just becoming that same type of bullying big media outlet that you once seemingly rallied so hard against.

My thoughts exactly. Sounds like trouble in indie-land!

A True National Tragedy

2006-08-08T09:38:00.000-12:00

Paris Hilton -- reality show staple, queen of gratuitous stupidity and grievous spending, amateur porn star, master of showing little to no regard for any human or animal life that may surround her, and the Sultan of Swat of Generation Why?, just without all that silly baseball bullshit -- has vowed to not have sex for a year in a recent issue of GQ England, which, surprisingly, is less classy and interesting than America's GQ.

So why the sudden desire to attempt a futile image change? Because she doesn't want people to think she's a whore! She's only had sex with "two guys" in her life! Bitch ain't no ho! She says that her relationships usually don't work because she won't let dudes get past some totally hot-and-heavy frenching, even after four months! Goddamn! That's cold!

Classy now? Does this mean the twatshots have to end!? No! Let us pray...

But seriously, now. Bitch is probably a ho.

Finally - A Reason to Be Proud of My Hometown

2006-08-05T04:29:00.000-12:00

Many people are proud of the place where they grew up. As inexplicable (and somewhat retarded) as this sense of pride is, it nonetheless helps people define themselves. Although gaining self-worth based on something as random and uncontrollable as one's birthplace (or race, for that matter) is patentely moronic, it's a fairly acceptable practice. How many people have you met over the years who gloated about being a Boston native? Or a Philly kid? Plenty, I'm sure. Certain cities breed this kind of annoying civic pride. But many places produce the exact opposite in their populace. Not a lot of people readily admit to being from Provo, Utah or Boise, Idaho.

Lucky me, I hail from just such a shameful locale. I was born and raised in Mesa, Arizona. Although few are aware of this, Mesa is the third largest city in Arizona behind Phoenix and Tucson. It's characterized by sweltering heat, strip malls, cookie-cutter houses and Mormons. Suffice to say, it is a Hell on Earth that in all my years of travel has only been surpassed in suckiness by places like Amarillo, Texas and Blythe, California. Mesa is the kind of milquetoast suburb that has as much personality as the local Wal-Mart can provide, i.e zero.

Until yesterday.

If you've been watching the news, (and shame on you if you haven't been suckling at the teet of our beloved corporate media!) you undoubtedly have heard that the serial killers who have been terrorizing the Phoenix area for over a year were caught -- at an appropriately non-descript apartment complex in Mesa.

Yes! My home town has finally done me right!

At last, when someone here in Chicago asks where I came from I can raise my head up high and proclaim "Mesa, Arizona - breeding ground of serial killers!" No longer do I have to sheepishly concede victory to the Windy City, a place that spawned such a beloved folk hero as John Wayne Gacy; nor do I have to acknowledge defeat to our neighbors in Milwaukee and their claim to the Michael Jordan of murderers, Jeffery Dahmer.

Some people are proud of their city because of stupid shit like their team winning the Super Bowl or because it's the birthplace of some douchebag like John Wayne. Fuck all that -- my town has the most prolific random gunshot killers this side of the Beltway Sniper. Thank God for a media that celebrates heinous behavior.

Mel Gibson's Guide To Being A True God-Fearing Christian. And Racism.

2006-08-02T16:45:00.000-12:00

I was originally going to post a whole little story about Mel Gibson's sweetass weekend, but I never got around to finishing it and by now everybody knows about it. So fuck that. But what else is there to talk about, you ask? Nothing. Nothing else happening in the world right now is particularly worth talking about. And fuck that shit in the Middle East, I'm bringing the world's focus back home!

So anyway, what I've decided to do is post a brief list of things Mel Gibson told the Los Angeles County police that arrested him. And also this picture that has nothing to do with that arrest.

Osama Bin Gibson.

Fucking Jews! The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world!
Are you a Jew?
I own Malibu!
My life is fucked.
Fucking Jews! The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world!
I wrote 'The Passion' in my underpants while mercilessly gulping the blood of a child!
(to the arresting sheriff) You motherfucker, I'm going to fuck you!
I am so fucked.
(to the arresting sheriff) I am going to fuck you.
Quit jewing around and arrest me already!
I am so fucked.
Fucking Jews! The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world!
(to a female cop) What do you think you're looking at, sugartits?
(to a sergeant with a camera) What the fuck do you think you're doing?!
(to a terrorist holding his son hostage, but also an arresting officer) GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!
Bust a deal face the wheel! Bust a deal face the wheel! Bust a deal face the wheel!
Anti-Semite? Who's a [sic] anti-Semite? No, you're the Jew!

And of course, as we all know, the arresting officers finally grew tired of Gibson and threw him in the back of a squad car. Sheriff's Deputy James Mee was then supposedly heard muttering under his breath, "I'm getting too old for this shit," in a completely unironic -- and therefore completely uncool -- manner.

As for the backlash, there has been relatively none, save for all the reaction to those anti-Semitic comments. Gibson has issued numerous apologies, all of which have been widely accepted by most major Jewish representative organizations, including the Anti-Defamation League, Rabbis for Human Rights, the Jewish Anti-Facist Committee of 1942, and the Oy Vey! What A Moyle! Foundation, famously founded by Ricky Rabinowitzensteinburg in 1973. Oddly enough, Woody Allen's Self-Hating Jew Collective was not appeased.

Clever advertising? Or clever bigotry!? You decide!!

All in all, I think everything will turn out a-ok for Melle Mel. He's got a solid rap career to fall back on. Not Mel Gibson, though. He's pretty much fucked.

I'm so fucking glad Global Warming is just a liberal myth

2006-07-31T12:34:00.000-12:00

Chicago, IL - As I sit here in my Chicago apartment, I have nothing but contempt for those tree-hugging commie-pinko gay marriage-loving liberals who dreamed up that global warming bullshit. I mean, it's completely normal for me to be sitting here in one of the coldest major North American cities and sweating like Michael Jackson in a day care center. Seriously- a month straight of 90-plus degree days is classic Chicago weather...and the fact that last winter was the warmest in the last 100 years, well, I say it's about damn time I can go swimming in Lake Michigan year-round.

I'm doubly sick of all this crap I keep hearing about increasingly severe weather. So what if there were so many tropical storms last year that they had to start naming them after brands of feminine napkins --- Hurricane Kotex brought a heavy flow of much needed rain to our drought-stricken heartland.

Don't keep telling me how convincing that Al Gore movie is, either - it's all just Hollywood computer-trickery. I saw Waterworld 10 years ago, and as convincing as that film was, the ice caps still haven't flooded the Earth's continents and Kevin Costner still hasn't grown fish gills (although I think it would be an excellent career move).

I don't give two shits how much purported "evidence" you show me that "proves" the ice caps are melting, the average global temperature is increasing or storms are more frequent and violent. I don't believe anything I can't see with my own two eyes. And as I sit here watching the unlit candles in my house melt and can smell the bloated corpses of the elderly couple that expired downstairs, I know that this is all just an anomaly. Sometimes the sky rains frogs and sometimes it's 100 degrees for a week straight here in the windy city. I'm sure we'll have seasonal weather again within a few days, and if not I'm sure it's just because all that hot air the liberal media is blowing out.

Now, excuse me while I go extinguish the brushfire that just erupted in my backyard.

Soundtrack to the Apocalypse finale and contest

2006-07-29T08:13:00.000-12:00

The final chapter and the conclusion of our "Soundtrack to the Apocalypse" feature, dealing with the 1990s and beyond, has finally been posted. You can download the songs above. We will also be holding a contest for a 2-to-3-CD mix containing all the songs included in the feature, so if you miss any of the mp3s during any particular week you'll be able to collect them all on these officially unofficial BBW "Soundtrack to the Apocalypse" mixes. All you have to do to win them is send an email to contests@bornbackwards.com with the subject "Apocalypse" telling us any apocalyptic songs we might have missed from any of the eras included, with a short description of said song. Note: please do not send us a glut of crappy apocalyptic metal songs from the '80s and '90s, that shit is too easy, too insincere, and quite franky doesn't count. Except maybe Slayer. Good luck.

Can we please just go back to the good old days of the Cold War?

2006-07-24T14:31:00.000-12:00

It almost seems quaint now, those bygone times when big, bad Russia was our ever-present yet never-actually-all-that-threatening threat. The fairy-tale era when Matthew Broderick almost confused W.O.P.R. into starting a thermonuclear war; the halcyon days with an arms race that produced cool shit like Firefox. Ahh...it all seems so long ago. Ivan Drago could be defeated by a marble-mouthed Italian and Sean Connery could defect in a Russian sub while sporting a luscious head of hair.

These days there's not a lot of fun to be had with our current crop of unwinnable holy wars: Iraq surprised everyone with an IQ under 13 by turning into an unmitigated disaster; Iran has become the kind of foe who could seriously kick the world's collective ass if we continue to fuck with them over their 'right' to nuclear energy; and Israel has apparently decided that things were simply going too darn well in the Middle East lately, so they figured, "Why not bomb the hell out of Palestinian and Lebanese civilians--and for good measure, threaten Syria and Iran too?"

Exactly what the shit is going on with the Israeli military? Is World War III really that desirable to them? Obviously, I'm no expert on a conflict that has been raging pretty much since the Cretaceous period, and I'm more likely to know Boba Fett's personal backstory than I am the ins-and-outs of the Babylonian Exile--but common fucking sense dictates that Israel has no intention whatsoever of achieving any kind of lasting peace in the region. The story, as I know it, is Israel "accidently" bombed a beach in Gaza killing a bunch of scary, sunbathing families and schoolchildren, then Lebanese Hezbollah apparently kidnapped two Israeli soldiers, thus inciting a retaliatory carpet-bombing of civilian airports, water treatment facilities, power stations, train depots, day care centers and nursing homes.

Boba Fett is a man of peace.

Would someone please tell me how this is a reasonable reaction to the alleged kidnapping of two Israeli soldiers? This isn't an eye-for-an-eye, this is a Military-eye-for-several-hundred-civilian-eyes. Lebanon has actually had the good sense to call for a truce--which has been denied by Israel. Now this all may sound like I'm taking sides here, when in fact I'm merely questioning the logic of escalating a minor incident into all-out war. What with Israeli officials (and their little lapdogs in the White House and on Downing Street) implicating both Syria and Iran as well, it seems that we are very well on the verge of something catastrophic. The constant goading of Iran by both the U.S. and Israel may finally pull them into this lovely war--and with the targets in Iran being nuclear power stations that are being built by several hundred Russian contractors, I'm guessing our old pal Putin will have something to say about it. Let's also not forget that Iran has enormous financial ties with China (another country that has been slowly simmering to a rich and savory MSG-filled boil) through their oil exports to that region. Again, I don't believe our billion-plus Asian friends will be pleased with the economic consequences of an attack on Iran.

All the pieces are in place for our third trip to flavorful World War country. The incendiary match could very well be the abduction of a couple low-ranking soldiers, a small catalyst on par with the assassination of Franz Ferdinand kicking off WWI (a small history lesson to those that think Franz is just an MTV-friendly Glasgow rock act). How pissing off the entire planet could be an attractive option to Israel is quite beyond me.

I say don't you know / You say you don't know / I say... take me out.

I sure miss the days when a KGB official in the form of Arnold Schwarzenegger teamed up with the talentless Belushi brother to make that gawdawful buddy cop movie. At least the only casualty back then were a few brain cells and two hours of lost time.

To Kill a Taco Stand

2006-07-19T13:49:00.000-12:00

America is a nation of immigrants. As a nationality based on ideas rather than ethnicity, immigration is one of the very few consistencies that has remained with us since the Pilgrams first landed on Pocahontas and claimed her for Disney. The only other constant is that Americans absolutely hate immigrants. Give me your tired, your poor? Who needs em! Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free? Took my damn job! I need not remind you of when the Irish menace invaded our fair land a fortnight past, speaking their filthy brogue and introducing such reprehensible customs as red hair and 'traditional' bar fights to a defensless America. Or when those dirty I-talians, with their greasy moustachios, spread their organized crime as though it were a thick and hearty marinera sauce across the delicate crust of our delicious nation.

Make me some pasta and then get the fuck out of my country.

Yes, America is a land of immigrants that hates immigrants, and the latest wave from Latin America is no excepción. Never ones to hate quietly, Americans are striking back at these spicy, hispanic newcomers. Forget all the talk of building a wall along the Mexican border, the good people of Gwinnett County, Georgia are taking a far more practical stand: they are banning taco stands.

Places like Gwinnett had only seen miminal Hispanic immigration until just recently--Latinos (and Latinas!) have jumped from 10 to 15% of the total population of the county in just six years. So officials struck back, banning the $1 taco venders popular amongst Hispanic workers for 'cluttering up street corners.' One Gwinnett politician described the proliferation of rolling taco stands as "gypsy-fication," somehow insulting both Mexicans and Gypsies at the exact same time. "Gypsies, Mexicans, same bullshit. Just speak English when you cut my lawn, motherfucker, or no tacos for you." When asked what was so bad about $1 tacos--a great deal if ever I heard of one--the politican's only response was to call tacos, "cilantro-spiced bullshit."

Swayed by such intellectual arguments, Nashville, Tennessee--the land of tolerance and understanding--is now considering a similar law. Registering his support for the proposed law, a Nashville local said, "If they want themselves some tacos, they can walk they ass down to the Taco Bell like us Americans have to do. Get themselves a Mexi-Melt or Choco-taco or something for desert too. S'pretty good."

First made popular by the ancient Aztecs, who smoked it, the Choco-taco is now eaten by people across North America.

To Mexicans, "tacos are life," says Juan Martinez, a construction worker in Norcross who makes every attempt to conform to Mexican stereotypes whenever possible. I swear I didn't make that quote up, but I totally would have if it didn't already exist. Martinez, a green-card holder from central Mexico, drives an El Camino and prefers to make his own tacos, especially Choco-tacos, but says that mobile taco stands serve many Hispanic workers stuck at construction sites. You know what I mean, esse?

Others across America have taken even more flagrant actions toward immigrants. A Philadelphia sub shop owner, Joseph Vento, has a sign up that reads: "This is America. When Ordering, Speak English." In Ohio, Butler County Sheriff Richard Jones has put up a yellow sign saying "Illegal Aliens Here," with an arrow pointing to the county jail. Meanwhile, Asheville, North Carolina, has considered banning the movie Nacho Libre, starring Jack Black in his unfunniest role yet.

Some towns have even banned the use of Spanish and the practice of sitting on a porch because, "that's what Hispanics do, sit on porches." This, of course, raises an interesting question: who doesn't like to sit on a porch? I know I do, and I am not a Mexican. I was under the impression that sitting on the porch was a part of Southern culture, sipping that sweet tea, whittling wood, and thinking about the days when you didn't know what a taco was.

Mexicans Ahoy!

We have obviously learned nothing from history. Need I remind you of when Native Americans tried to outlaw Pilgrams' scalps? We fucking annilihated them and established a holiday to celebrate it. What do you think the Mexicans will do to us when they're finished trimming our expertly manicured lawns? Just what did you think is in a taco, anyways?

Not Acting Crazy: A Silly Notion of The Past!

2006-07-19T01:41:00.000-12:00

The world has gone insane. I saw it in the newspaper and on CNN and on the Weather Channel and also on FOX News (for a minute), so I am almost sure now that the world has officially lost its collective mind. World wars, accidental microphone usage, vulture-eating, possible nuclear fallout with dictator-loving crazies, the disappearance of Baby Suri Maverick-Trickle-Maguire-Holmes- Cruise -- what a terrible time to be alive! Nobody wins anymore! It's lose-lose for everybody! THIS IS MADNESS! And frankly, I am sick of it. But before I spell out my master plan of action (hint: it doesn't involve genocide!), let me fill you in on some of the most recent worldwide craziness.

There is a Middle Eastern war a-goin' on. No no no no, a different one! Yeah, I know, exciting right! But really, it might be pretty bad. Now, I haven't gotten all of the details just yet, but I'm pretty sure that Israel has fired a couple warning shots towards Lebanon's general area. Nothing too serious just yet. The UN really ought to go and check it out, maybe for just a couple minutes. I mean, they can do that right? Just tell them to stop? Right? Well, okay, maybe that's a little far-fetched, but they'll probably help to take care of a least a few things before it gets too nasty. Of course they will. I mean, they're the UN. Go Kofi!!

Oh...fuck...nevermind.

Okay...awkward...moving on. Everyone's heard about El Capitan's recent usage of "big-boy words" in a private conversation with UK Prime Minister Tony Blair at the G8 Summit held in St. Petersburg, Russia this past weekend. In fact, that's where you probably learned that there even was a new Middle Eastern conflict that will only add to the US's problems concerning, well, just about every other nation in the world. Bush's suggestion: the UN should "get Syria" and "tell them (Hezbollah) to stop doing this shit." WHOOPS! This is how I imagine George Bush finding out that his microphone was on for the entire conversation, in which he expressed the aforementioned suggestion concerning this new conflict, his opinions on Kofi Annan, and how he's such a busy man and just doesn't have time for all of them longwinded talkers.

BLAIR: Oh my bread and biscuits! That microphone is on!

BUSH: Oh... yeah, whatever.

BLAIR: There we go, now, what were you saying old chum?

BUSH: Hmm? Oh, I don't know, when are we out of here? I got things to do tonight.

BLAIR: In Russia?

BUSH: Oh yeah... right here in Russia.

But of course, while we all have our attention focused on trivial things like Middle Eastern wars and rapidly disappearing international sanity, crazy God-complexed dictators of unreasonably oppressive Asian nations are throwing parties. But not the fun kind where everyone's happy and having a totally sweet time and there are tons of smoking-hot ladies. On the contrary, these North Korean parties are of the test-firing-long-range-missiles- that-could-potentially-reach-the-American-west-coast variety -- by far, the lamest kind of parties imaginable, coming in behind even baby showers in their total fun quotient. Unless you're North Korean. Then I guess it's pretty sweet.

On the plus side, the longest-range missile is still called the Taepodong-2, so it's completely okay if we as a nation just keep ignoring North Korea until it becomes more serious with its life, finds some direction, and gets a real job instead of just playing around with all this "art" bullshit. If you want to be taken seriously don't ever name something phallic, like, let's say, a missile, after an actual penis. In this case, 'dong'. I'm not really worried that Kim Jong-Il's 'dongs can reach across the Pacific, but I should be. Because North Korea is fucking crazy.

Seriously. North Korea is fucking crazy.

But who ever said "fucking crazy!" can't equal "totally cute!"?

And what tops this crazy list of crazy insanity, you may be asking? Oh no, not increasingly powerful weather phenomenon that leave various areas of the world more devastated after each occurrence. And no, certainly not an escalatingly fierce and still rather unfounded war in Iraq, which may soon lead to the first US military draft in nearly forty years if America is forced to become involved in the rest of the world's bullshit problems. Fucking world. No sir, the most crazy of all current insanities is the possible extinction of vultures.

"But I constantly see vultures circling my house, waiting for me to finally die," I can hear you say. Well sir, those are just your ungrateful, greedy children waiting to cash in your lifetime of hard, back-breaking labor. You see, due to various improbable reasons--a type of painkiller being used in cattle in south Asia that destroys vulture kidneys to an unlikely degree, hunting by farmers in east and west Africa, South African and Zimbabwean natives who have begun eating vulture meat to attain powers of clairvoyance--the vulture is quickly going the way of that old cliche of things going the way of the dodo. But the natives don't let these opportunities go to waste. No, quite the opposite. In Mumbai and parts of India, where the dead are left out on sacred towers to be picked clean by vultures, six solar generators were purchased so that they may cremate the bodies by the power of the sun! Now that's fucking thinking!

Some quick vulture funfacts for you:

The vulture is the inspiration for the Spider-Man villain The Vulture, who flew around New York committing crimes in a harness that he built himself. The Vulture is well known as one of the lamest supervillains around due to his advanced age and arthritic hip. Behind the scenes, every other villain in the Sinister Six made sure to tell him what a douche he was all the time. Except Mysterio. Mysterio sucks.

I once saw a vulture shoot a man just to watch him die.

You know in movies how the characters who have been stranded out in the desert for days get really worried when they see those birds flying around in circles overhead? Yeah, those are vultures. But not for long!

SPIDER-MAAAAAAN!! Bring me my pills! Because I am really old!

Craziness sure is fun! Oh, by the way, my big plan to solve all the world's maddening problems? Yeah, it was genocide...so someone really ought to work up a better plan.

Apocalypse Not Quite What Bush Had Hoped For

2006-07-16T09:39:00.000-12:00

Fortified Bunker Somewhere Beneath Crawford, TX: Now just 6 months after the fall of America and a mere 2 weeks into the apocalypse, George W Bush says he is "having second thoughts" about his role in helping bring it on. "As soon as all those Christians vanished and I realized I was one of those that were left behind--you know, like those Kirk Cameron movies--I was pretty pissed off," Bush was quoted as saying.

He then began to place blame on political and religious figures he believes "fucking lied to me." Objects of his anger included the Reverend Pat Robertson who Bush says "was the biggest liar of all. He was the one that talked me into all this religious right shit and that douchebag is sitting down here in this piss-soaked bunker with me," Bush added after snorting a giant line of blow and tossing a half-filled vial to Robertson who giggled at the comment. Former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon was also in his sights, "That motherfucker wakes from a coma and decides Israel doesn't need us anymore now that our economy is destroyed and our armies crushed. What a fair-weather friend that shithead was. "

“I was led to believe that if I destroyed the American Economy, exhausted its military, alienated its allies, destroyed its educational system, ruined its environment and toppled its government that Israel was gonna make sure me and my friends were taken care of in the New World Order. Turns out Ariel is one duplicitous bitch,” Bush snarled. Laura then patted him on the head for using the word “duplicitous” correctly.

Among the list of things Bush thought "sucked-ass about the end times" were discomforts such as no longer being able to indulge in his favorite activity, trimming scrub-brush, or "ever seeing a new episode of All in the Family.” After being informed by Donald Rumsfeld that All in the Family had been cancelled nearly 35 years ago Bush added "shit, I don’t remember a thing since I went AWOL from the National Guard. I spent 6 weeks in a Laotian whorehouse. I smoked so much opium I still can’t see in color.”

But it isn't all bad, according to Bush "Yeah, we stocked this place up pretty good before the Pestilence hit. I got more Barely Legals than a man could read in a lifetime, and an artificial greenhouse for growing coca leaves so I'll never run out of blow. You know the only bad thing about coke is running out of coke," he joked while taking another enormous snort. "if people knew that whole dumb-ass Biosphere 2 project was basically the government learning how to grow drugs in a post-apocalyptic world, I think they'd be pretty pissed. Or maybe not. Shit, nobody seemed too upset when I nuked Iran and threw World War III into gear."

Bush sat contemplatively and spoke quietly to himself, "I got plenty of entertainment, I guess. All the Girls Gone Wild videos ever made, about 16,000 hours of NASCAR on videotape. Cable sucks, though. Only station still broadcasting is the Food Network...and half their stars are dead. last week’s episode of Iron Chef was pretty weak - they had chef Bobby Flay going head-to-head with a guy who used to assemble Lunchables at a factory in Trenton."

When asked if he had any regrets, Bush countered with “Hell no! I mean, yeah, 2/3 of all humanity is dead, but that’s neither here nor there. I got to see some cool shit--I been waiting 60-some odd years to see France get nuked, and boy, did they get it! Damn country looks like a pile of Kryptonite now ... and it was neat when the oceans turned to blood--danged Gulf of Mexico looked like a giant bowl of tomato soup. I especially enjoyed seeing the Cubs finally win the World Series. Sure, the only other team left was the Seattle Mariners, who were battling a mean case of Leprosy in their bullpen, but it was still a great piece of history--now that history is over.”

Bush Delivers Independence Day Message

2006-07-10T22:44:00.000-12:00

Crawford TX – President George W. Bush began the July 4th holiday with an impromptu speech from his ranch while engaging in what has become his signature vacation activity – clearing brush. A small cadre of Fox News reporters were treated to the unexpected monologue while filming Bush for an upcoming television special that probes into why the president is not yet on Mt. Rushmore, the dollar bill, and 6’ x 6’ monolithic photos adorning the living space of every American. What follows is the text of the speech:

“My fellow Americans, on this historic day, as we near the five year anniversary of September 11th, we should reflect upon how we first achieved the freedom that the terrorists hate so much. Before 9/11 and the terrorist threat we had a different enemy. Though many of us have forgotten, there was a time when Indians plagued the American landscape, scalping the brave pioneers and farmers, spreading terror with their tomahawks and harpoons and using smoke signals to spread their anti-American message. But the courageous settlers defeated this cowardly enemy by shooting them with colorful fireworks. Yes, on this day in 1492 we defeated this primitive Jihad and achieved our independence, transforming this once godless continent into a place where we are free to celebrate our saviour’s birth and carve a pumpkin to honor His resurrection.

"And at this time I’d like to send a special message to our Armed Forces in Iraq as they fight the terrorist Indians of the Middle East, those perpetrators of 9/11, with their incredibly well-hidden weapons of mass destruction. I’d like to thank them for their efforts, for during my stint defending freedom with the Louisiana National Guard I too knew the fear of facing an unseen foe. In my day, our enemy was the cowardly Indians of the Viet Cong. I’ll never forget the first time I witnessed Chuck Norris rescue those prisoners of war from the jungle terrorists. That was an American hero in action, I’ll tell you what.

"Lastly, as we sit down at our dinner tables and prepare to eat the turkey and stuffing that symbolize our victory over the Indian threat, let us be thankful for our government protectors, the hard working agents of the NSA who tirelessly sift their our e-mails, phone records and bank transactions in search of the enemy who is determined to attack anytime and anywhere. Though agents of Al-Queda will most certainly strike us again with a weapon of unthinkable, cataclysmic horror, we can sleep soundly in the knowledge that through constant domestic surveillance there is at least a 25% chance that the perpetrators will be caught in our lifetimes.

"So if you are a government employee, enjoy your day off, and for everyone else – take comfort in knowing that, while you’re working at Wal-Mart for $5.25 an hour, the money that would have gone towards a frivolous hike in the minimum wage is being put to good use spreading democracy among the Indians of Iraq. Here’s hoping your after-work barbecue is a “Mission Accomplished”, and may God continue to bless America.”

Following his speech Bush regaled his audience with claims that once this brush was cleared he and another man – only identified as “George” – would build a rabbit farm. He then proceeded to stroke one of the female reporter’s hair so roughly that she had to be hospitalized.

MythBusters - Global Warming

2006-06-25T19:25:00.000-12:00

Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman, America's favorite MythBusters (airs Wednesdays at 9 ET/PT on Discovery!), were recently on the scene in Greenland. Their goal: to shoot watermelons through homemade cannons at the atmosphere, proving that global warming caused by a layer of greenhouse gasses is, in fact, a myth. Their experiment fell through when the ice sheet crumbled beneath their feet, plunging the two renegade scientists into freezing water.

Get it? Fell through?

"You know," said Adam Savage upon emerging from the arctic sea, "I really hate that Al Gore motherfucker. After seeing his new movie, I just had to take on this global warming shit, but now... I j-j-just don't kn-know..." The chill set in and his voice trailed off into an indecipherable chatter of teeth.

Just then, Jamie Hyneman climbed back onto the ice gasping for air. Insulted by his walrus mustache and beret, I refused to allow Jamie access to a towel and a blanket, forcing him to sit down and talk to me about global warming.

A myth's worst nightmare.

"We came out here completely expecting to bust this myth through a complex process of special effects, gumption, and ignoring the newsmedia reports that this here glacier was sliding into oblivion. We thought that by shooting a watermelon at an atmosphere supposedly thick with greenhouse gasses, we'd be able to prove that global warming is a myth. We hoped that this experiment would prove unsuccesful so we could step back, brainstorm, and design a robot powered by CFCs to carry out a final experiment and provide an entertaining climax to our ridiculous television show. It seems that Mother Nature had other plans. Now Adam has fucking frostbite and we have no show. No robot equals no show. That's what I always say."

I asked why his crew decided to take on global warming and imply that it was a myth, despite the vast majority of climate scientists having confirmed that it is the biggest environmental threat facing the world today. He frumped out his moustache haughtily and replied, "Fuck those guys. I'll be the judge of what is and what is not an environmental threat. And you know how I'll do it?"

"You just told me. With ridiculous robots and watermelons," I said.

"You're damn right."

Anti-mythbusting activist in action

At this point the interview fell apart and Jamie began demanding a towel. I finally gave it to him after he signed a waiver stating that he wouldn't press charges for using his likeness and making up a bunch of shit about him on the internet.

Stay tuned to next week's episode when the MythBusters attempt to bust the myth of evolution with a weed-wacker engine, a globe, and a package of sea monkeys!

Busted!

Dear Iran

2006-06-24T12:54:00.000-12:00

Remember when the United States told Iraq that if they gave in to their demands there would be peace? And what happened when Iraq conceeded?

How can we forget?