Stuff Nigerians Love/Hate

Is that side boob I see?

2009-10-22T12:34:00.000-07:00

Did I seriously put up the last post here?

Sugabelly and Melloyel are definitely slacking, on the realz.

Anyway, I have decided to take time out of my highly important normal life to put up a post here. Normally, I wouldn’t be doing this shit. I’d probably be busy banging hot chicks, checking out my fucking awesome fantasy team, being awesome, and finding the cure for AIDS, k’nahmean?

Did you know you could put a comma before “and” when listing shit? Like seriously, how come my English teachers never told me that. Mr. Chukwudifu, wherever you are, you fail for not telling about this linguistic wizardry.

Wait, where was I?

I need to start taking some ADD medication because I keep going off topic. Like WTF?

Oh yeah…I remember now. I was talking about how you people need to be happy that your royal awesomeness took time out of his busy schedule to put up a blog post. Considering that fact that Obama’s Nobel peace prize fuckery (you better not get me started on that shit) didn’t bring me out of hiding, you best believe that my topic must be of great importance.

Remember when I complained about not having enough Nigerian tittays on the interweb? Well, shit’s changed since then. Sugbelly put me onto this breakthrough,

Did you see it?

Sideboob, motherfucker!!

That was sideboob!!!

On a side note, that movie seems creepy (Ed note- I watched it on mute so I have no clue wtf is going on). Leaking bloody vaginas? Ain't none of these bitches ever heard of a tampon? SMH!!!

Nigeria is making progress though. We have sure come a long way from dry humping. There’s even a scene with a threesome, can you imagine that shit? It might be arousing but we’ll get there. They just need to realize that storylines are not required for pornos and maybe get some hotter wimmenz. They could get some of those girls you find at owambe parties in England. Wait…you don’t know what an owambe jand party is? Do you live under a rock? Don’t you know the parties with the pictures on facebook and stupid ass names like “exclusive” and “eclipse”? Shit, and I thought I was behind the curve.

BTW, during the threesome bit, was the other girl giving the dude's elbow some head?
iConfuse

UPDATE: Apparently, the movie is Ghanaian. :( So much for progress...I guess we have to wait a bit for Nigerian smut.

You kidnapped a famous actor, now what?

2009-08-18T19:54:00.000-07:00

Well, you ask for 10 million. Naira of course, we are trying to be reasonable here.

Am I wrong for thinking the kidnappers set their price too low?

Last time I checked, 10 mill couldn't buy you a Hummer and you know how high the Hummer pedestal is. Nothing says you hit the jackpot like buying that ugly gas guzzling piece of crap. I wonder what will happen when GM stops production.

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah...kidnappings. Nigeria is like the new Mexico. It's funny how it went from "we are kidnapping there oyibos for a just cause" to "I'm broke so I'm going to jack the next person I see off the street".

I wonder if there'll be some "Man On Fire" type movie set in the country. I can just imagine it now...

Ahh...just perfect.

I'm going to sue if there's a Nollywood movie with this storyline because you know this was all my idea.

Dear Hollywood --- STOP PICKING ON NIGERIANS

2009-08-16T15:43:00.001-07:00

Writing again seeing as my co-writers are slacking on their duties :P

So on Friday, I went to see District 9. For those of you who haven't seen it, or read Sugabelly's latest post on it, here's the rundown: South Africa, sometime in the near future. An alien spacecraft has become stranded over Johannesburg, and the aliens have become refugees in the city, living in their own slum, after which the movie is named. A government agent, while working to move the aliens from District 9 to a refugee camp outside the city, comes into contact with some sort of biological alien fuel which begins to turn him into an alien. Soon he is on the run from everyone, and the only people he can trust are the aliens themselves.

It is an extremely well-crafted film, and I will say that I really enjoyed it. However, it has major flaws and this is where my praise stops. The main antagonists in this film, apart from the nefarious MNU, an organization conducting illegal experiments on the aliens, are a group of Nigerian gangsters living in District 9. They take advantage of the aliens' situation by dealing in their weapons, selling them food at exorbitant prices, and running an interspecies prostitution business. Their leader is wheelchair-bound, and a believes that by eating the flesh of aliens, he will gain their "powers" and rule the world. Of course, he hasn't cured his disability, but he still hires some crazy witch woman to do his rituals. They try to capture the main character so as to eat him and finally get what. The only other significant black characters were government employees, one timid and one a dog of the military, both with very minor speaking parts, none Nigerians. Basically, Nigerians were the second lowest on the food chain, outranking only the aliens. And that's only because they're human.

The writer/director, Neill Blomkamp claims that his experience growing up in Johannesburg towards the end of apartheid informed the film's conception. From a New York Times article on the film: "If it all sounds like a science-fiction parable for South Africa’s segregationist history, Mr. Blomkamp, 29, says that is no accident. “The whole film exists because of that,” he said.... The plight of the film’s crustaceanlike extraterrestrials can be easily read as a metaphor for the persecution of South African blacks under apartheid. But Mr. Blomkamp said he was also trying to comment on how the country’s impoverished peoples oppress one another. While “District 9” was being filmed in the Chiawelo section of Soweto, Alexandra and other townships were ravaged by outbursts of xenophobic violence perpetrated by indigenous South Africans upon illegal immigrants from Zimbabwe, Malawi and elsewhere."

However for any person with HALF A BRAIN who's even mildly informed about racism would be able to tell that this movie is racist (you could even say tribalist) toward Nigerians. If Blomkamp was attempting to make any commentary about racism with this film, he contradicted himself as soon as he started writing the script. Let's not even talk about how the entire main cast was white, while the actual percentage of white South Africans is only about 5%, and the Nigerians were the only specific black population identified in the film. I will even go as far to say that this is not a metaphor for the suffering of blacks under apartheid, but a real-life re-enactment, only replacing black South Africans and white South Africans with black Africans and Hollywood producers/writers/industry execs.

Nigerians have continually suffered misrepresentation and slander at the hands of the Western media and entertainment industry. Any Nigerian character in a television or film production is either corrupt, an out-and-out criminal, or just plan stupid. Nigeria itself is represented as an impoverished, undeveloped country with an oppressive government. Examples: Dr. Eko on Lost, the obvious misrepresentation of Nigeria in The Philanthropist, the diamond dealers in Wolverine, and so on. Here's some information for the uninformed out there (who should really read my first post): Military rule ended in 1999. 90% of our population does not live on less than a dollar a year. We are educated, and our economy is growing. We have a middle class, upper class and lower class. We are not all criminals, for God's sake. This goes for any other African nation too.

As I came out of the movie, I wondered what Nigerians had done to deserve this. We're definitely not the only corrupt African nation, nor the one who needs the most help. Yes, we deal with corruption and crime, but what country doesn't? I mean, the US got rid of two governors last year because of corruption - they really shouldn't be acting like they're better than us in that respect. I honestly think that it's simply because we have oil. Nobody cared about Nigeria until the oil boom in the 70s. Then everyone was all over us. Then they find out that we're not all rainbows and butterflies. The media condemns us, and the entertainment industry uses that to their advantage. They reference a foreign country to make themselves seem globally-minded, and reference us as evil and poor because the rednecks who've never taken a proper history or geography lesson in their lives will believe it without question. Again, the US educational system fails to educate their people properly. I can't believe that people would actually believe that Nigeria would deal with hurricanes: for God's sake, the news publicizes natural disasters in small islands in South-East Asia all the time - you think they just forgot to cover the ones that happen in one of the most populous countries in Africa??? But then again, that's plausible - the media doesn't care about Africans anyway.

I'm tired. I'm freaking tired. These people should just stop bloody picking on Nigerians. Find some other country to slander. Or better yet, just don't even try to put Africa in your movies and TV shows - God knows you'll never get it right anyway, so why bother? Someone send me an Ousmane Sembene or Hayao Mizayaki film so that I renew my faith in cimena.

Note: This post has been edited for profanity to make it appropriate for your typical internet audience. Also, I didn't mention the fact that the "Nigerians" were not speaking any Nigerian language, but people, let's get real - they didn't cast any real Nigerians, so they weren't about to start speaking Yoruba or Igbo for us. They just got some thuggish looking South Africans and asked them to act like gangsters and speak Zulu or Swahili. (And that, boys and girls, is how you make Nigerians for your movie! Now go and play "Let's Misrepresent The Africans"!)

To Be Nigerian, or Not To Be Nigerian?

2009-06-17T14:32:00.000-07:00

(Back for another post. As a segue before I begin, I just want to say that I like club bangers as much as the next person, so I'm not hating on people that skimp on lyrics for entertainment value. I just wish they didn't do it all the damn time (side eye at Souja Boi...). Like I said, I don't want to lose too many brain cells before I get old.)

I wanted to expand on a point that came up as I was writing the last post. Where I said that Nigerians are proud to be Nigerian, but don't like being too Nigerian. I'll explain what I mean, starting with the music industry. A lot of the comments mentioned the fact that the Nigerian music industry has come a long way. I agree that it has, but I want to be clear on exactly what I mean by that. I believe that the music industry has come far in the sense that there's now more access to quality recording and production materials, so artists don't have to travel so far to record their albums, or record them in a back room somewhere. This opens up the field so that up-and-coming artists can get their music out there. The internet has helped a LOT too, with places like RadioPalmwine and TruSpot Radio enabling the music to reach a wider audience. This is a good thing.

But, if your understanding of the music industry coming far is that we've gotten to the point where we sound a LOT like Western musicians, then I ask you to stop and think for a second. Why is it that more Western automatically equals better or higher quality?

Now, we all accept that the Western World is the benchmark by which less developed countries like Nigeria measure their progress. However, I would like to make a point that not everything has to be measured by American standards. Music is one big thing for me, because it is rooted in our cultural history. Nigerian music has not completely lost it's Nigerian-ness, but the number of artists mimicking Western musicians is increasing at an alarming rate. How many artists nowadays make highlife music? Compared to the number of musicians, especially new musicians, that make Westernized music (someone coined a term for it, but I can't remember it now...), it's a very small number. The only person I can think of aside from the Kutis is Jessy King. It's not like people don't like highlife music anymore. No musical genre completely dies out: you will still have people, young and old, listening to music, and some even making music, that sounds like it was made decades earlier. So you can't argue that the genre is obsolete, nor can you argue that highlife music is a marker of a backwards society and not a modern one. So why this trend?

I think that highlife music isn't made anymore because for some reason, the Nigerian music industry has decided to move towards a Western sound because they think that it is "better" somehow. I say this because I don't just get this vibe from the music industry. Nigeria's economy is growing, despite the economic crisis, and new companies and businesses are being started every day. Take a look at the names of these companies: majority of them are named something like Hertsfordshire Estate*, or Princeton Computers Inc*. Less and less of these companies are taking on Nigerian names. Why is that? Sugabelly told me about a conversation she with an acquaintance who was starting up a business, and wanted to call it Princeton*. She asked him why he wanted to name it after an American company as opposed to giving it a Nigerian name, since it was a Nigerian company. He replied that people would take the company more seriously if it was given an American name, because they would think it was American. Sugabelly then told him that that was a silly reason, and why not give the company a Nigerian name and allow people to see that Nigerian companies can be just as good as American companies. He said that he didn't see how his changing the name to a Nigerian name would fix anything, and essentially said that it's not his job to inspire change in Nigeria.

Hearing about this made me angry. Not only because it is evidence of a pervasive mentality that everything that's American is better than any Nigerian thing, but that this man, who stands in a position to make a difference, if not in the entire nation at least among his peers, decided to give in to this negative mentality as opposed to trying to break free from it. And please understand that this IS a negative mentality. If you name your company Ojo Computers as opposed to Princeton Computers*, that doesn't mean that you'll be providing people with computers made out of obeche wood as opposed to high grade plastic or metal, or that they'll run any slower than today's standard computer. Geez. If we shun everything that is inherently Nigerian, we will eventually lose our Nigerian identity, and become a nameless people who used to be great, but fell from greatness because we were aspiring to be something we will never truly become. We can never BE America. We can become a developed country, and a world power, but we will never BE the US. We can only be Nigerian, and we should be proud of that and promote that, as opposed to trying to be something we're not. I do agree that some aspects of Westernization are not the devil, and that once incorporated into a culture, some things can become a part of the culture and not look like it's been fapped from another culture. But we should incorporate these things and still hold on to our own identity, instead of throwing it away.

I think that colonialism played a role here. When the British came, us Nigerians had to make a choice: to hold on to our culture and be branded backwards heathens who would never progress, or to abandon our culture and embrace this new culture, complete with dress, religion and language that was "better" than our own. But what makes British culture better than Nigerian culture? Did it lack the sophisticated art and music of other cultures? Did it leave us worse for wear? No. There was - and is - nothing wrong with Nigerian culture, or Nigerians. So why, oh why are we letting it rot away?

To come full circle and go back to the music post, I mentioned that I wasn't a big fan of Dare Art-Alade. The Nigerian interwebz has been in hot debate over Dare's latest videos, most of which have featured a foreign female lead who is lighter skinned than your average Nigerian. Some people say he doesn't like/ is not promoting real African women. Other people are saying that he's marketing himself to an international audience. All I'm going to say is that every person trying to gain international fame has to gain substantial fame in their own country. If all the female leads in your videos look very different from your fellow countrywoman, you give off the impression that your fellow countrywomen aren't good enough for you, which hardly does anything to boost your popularity. Dare is married to a Nigerian woman, right? So why would he then use Indian women in his videos if he likes Nigerian women? This is not just a Dare thing. P-Square's award-winning video for "Do Me" (it won a Channel O Music Video award) featured a LOT of white women, more so than you would see in a regular Nigerian club. Why? (In their defense, though, their other videos feature mainly black people.) It happens in other countries too. It's like if you get a white person in your video, you'll drastically change your chances of being successful. This is a blatant lie, and if you believe that you're probably not that good at what you do in the first place. People need to stop feeding into this "white is better" mentality and start being proud of who they are and where they come from.

NB: I went natural a year ago because I wanted to discover my true self. Someone actually said to me that I was mimicking African-Americans by going natural. People also said that natural hair was not a "Nigerian" thing to do. If natural hair is not a Nigerian thing, then I must not be Nigerian. My God-given kinky hair had somehow become less Nigerian than the relaxed hair or weave that my peers wore to look more Western. Please people, stop the madness.

NBB: Eccentric Yoruba wrote a post a while back about ideas of beauty in Nigeria. I encourage you guys to read it, because it's a good example of how Western ideals have come to shape non-Western culture in a way that is destructive rather than helpful.

*Name changed to protect identity

The Nigerian Music Industry

2009-06-13T06:56:00.000-07:00

*Sigh. Nigeria, Nigeria. And Nigerian music. Love/hate relationship again. I love the old school stuff, and some new stuff, but everything else just frustrates me.. Wande Coal's new song goes like this "You bad, you want it, you bad, you want it, you bad, you want it, you know you want it cos you bad." 0_0 And people are jamming this song like it's the "A Milli" of 2009. Really, y'all? Here's what I have to say in this whole issue..

1) One things Nigerians do that annoys the hell out of me is they give props to anything that's Nigerian regardless of quality or content. They act like they're all patriotic and shit, refusing to listen to any criticism aimed at their heroes - the people who are ruling the Nigerian music industry today. But people, know this: saying that these people are awesome when they're not doesn't help anybody. All it does is allows for more people with names like Fragrance to make bad songs with bad videos and even worse lyrics like "Shake, shake, like an earthquake" to poison our airwaves and hurt my eardrums. Please. Stop. Now. Give praise where praise is due, and don't just throw it at the feet of people who don't deserve it.

2) What the hell happened to artistry? Another consequence of (1) is that musicians don't challenge themselves anymore. They make crap songs with crap lyrics and don't bother to make them any better because they know that they'll still sell. Throw 3 of those so-called rappers into a cipher with any random US rapper and he'll murder them all easily. D'Banj is claiming to be the African Michael Jackson, and you guys don't even call him out on that. He might be Nigeria's King of Pop, but he CAN'T be Africa's Michael Jackson, and I'll give you one reason why: P-Square's Do Me was 50 times more successful than D'Banj in Africa as a whole. I have Indian people from Tanzania, and American college kids who spent last summer in Ghana or Kenya jamming to that song, and if you ask, most of them have never even heard of D'Banj. You guys should feel bad - these people are exploiting your unwavering fandom to make themselves rich. Y'all shouldn't stand for that, especially not in this economy. Demand quality for your naira!!!

3) There's no more social commentary. We could all jam to Fela's beats, but his songs always came with a message. It's not like we've gotten any better. There's still corruption, poverty, crime, intolerance, etc. But instead of using music as a tool to inspire change, we use it as a means of escape, singing about flossing and cars and ice. Not only is this simply imitating American music, because God knows like 90% of us can't afford to floss like that, it can potentially be destructive. It glorifies crime (Olu Maintan, Mr. "Yahoozee", I'm looking at you). A kid wakes up and says, I want to make money, instead of, I want to improve my country. So he'll do anything to get money, including stealing, bribing, and using juju on his enemies. Vicious cycle. And y'all are simply feeding into it, instead of trying to break it. The only social commentary I've heard has come from African musicians in Diaspora - Keziah Jones, Nneka, etc. Do non-expatriate Nigerians just not care?

4) I understand the need for balance in music: we need songs for pure entertainment as well as songs to make us think. But frankly, I'd rather save my brain cells than let them die while listening to Gbedu Hour on TruSpot Radio. And I'd rather listen to funky instrumentals with minimal lyrics than songs chock full of lyrics that don't mean anything.

5) The one think I like about Nigerian music is that it's still Nigerian. It's HEAVILY influenced by Western music, (signs of the trend that Nigerians like being Nigerian but don't like things that are "too" Nigerian - another post) but it still has that Nigerian flavour that makes it unique to us. Unfortunately, it makes it hard to play Nigerian music at parties over here (one such occasion when they tried to do it resulted in the party stopping for like 5 whole minutes as I, one other Nigerian and a Ghanaian danced and sang along. Fail.) but that's okay.

6) I had a conversation with an American dude a couple of years ago - can you believe that this dude knew more about Fela and African music than I did? I was SO ashamed, I vowed to go and listen to all the African music I could find. There's so much good African music out there that we Nigerians miss because we're too busy kissing the asses of our own bad artists. Go and listen to some good music, you people. For your own sake. You MUST listen to Angelique Kidjo, Youssou N'Dour, and Miriam Makeba. Then Brenda Fassie, Amadou and Miriam, and Cesaria Evora. Then Cheb Khaled and Oumou Sangare. Your life will be forever changed.

Lastly, here are my top Nigerian artists in no particular order:
1) Asa - the only prominent female artist out there. And she doesn't try to fit into the basic, dull formula of most of today's artists. Love her.
2) Sasha - female MCs represent!!! (Weird MC is cool too, but she hasn't come out with a good song in years. Where is she?)
3) 9ice - can do uptempo tracks and slower stuff and sounds good on both. Unique sound. Props.
4) Naeto C - "Ringtone" is my song :) Plus he can actually rap some.
5) 2Face - though his last album was crap, his first album is dear to my heart. Plus Plantashum Boiz were the ish back in the day.
6) Styl-Plus - they can SING! and their harmonies are ridiculous. 3rd album sucked tho.
7) Fela Kuti - Nigerians, if you do not own any music by this man, you should be ashamed to call yourself a Nigerian. Go buy some. NOW. (Femi is included here by extension).
8)M.I.'s production team - M.I. has some decent flows, BUT I think I like his music more for the backing track than the lyrics. He has potential though.
9) Kush - sad these people aren't around anymore. "Let's Live Together" is still my jam.
10) Amplifyd Crew - heard these people broke up. Too bad. They made good music.
11) ElDee - and by extension, Trybesmen as a whole. Good stuff. Now THEY can rap.
12) Modenine - decent rapper. good music. I really like "Cry" with that chick, Nnena.
13-ish) P-Square - I add them only because of their entertainment factor. They are true performers and know how to make a good party song.
14) Falz Falana - adding him here because I know Nosa will want to mention him. Good rapper. Hilarious songs too.
15) ASHTHOMAS - Google them. Their album "The Ascension" is some of the best modern Nigerian music existing today. Simi See Trouble is revolutionary. They're the shit. Period.

What was that about tipping again?

2009-06-02T08:54:00.000-07:00

In honor of my first post on this blog...

Nude Nigerian wimmenz on da interwebz...

2009-05-01T09:34:00.000-07:00

...and they aren't hot.

So I log on to facebook today and I see the following status update from a friend of mine:

Ekiti women are now protesting half-naked....Nigerians really want true democracy. Thats like Igbo women riot of 1929 aganist colonialists....hmmmmm almost 100years after.... WOW!

In true Nosa fashion, I respond:

This status update is worthless without pictures.

I joke

She actualy responds and proceeds to direct me to Lina Ikeji's blog. [Side note: Blogging at work is a bad idea]

So I'm at Linda's blog and I check the picture out.

Gross!!!!

The one time I get to see nude Nigerian women on the internets, they just happen to be old women. And they are not like MILF status women. WTF!!!

Look at that coddamn picture!

All the wimmenz with boobies worth seeing are fully clothed while the wimmenz hat should be clothed are nude. Why does Nigeria have to be backward with this shit everytime?

Anyhow, I figure I might as well find out the story behind this bullshit.

Well, the women are apparently protesting some rigged election. I thought this was news. Aren't all Nigerian elections rigged anyway? Non-violent protests don't solve jack squat, but that's just my personal opinion.

So, after I checked out the backstory, I decided to take a look at the comments. Trust me when I say this, comments on blogs are probably the funniest and unbelievable shit you'll ever read. It's like every village idiot suddenly found the internet and decided not to let it go. Speaking of which, I'm starting my own movement, kinda like QAN. But instead of pushing teh ghey agenda, we'll just ban people from the internet or ask Mark Zuckerberg to take them off facebook. Because, you know, facebook is the end-all and be-all of the Internet. I digress.

Where was I again? Oh, the comments.

Wow!! madness!!
i tried to link the half nakedness to the electon thingy but the two do not even correlate. I mean if it was like a sexual related protest or something in that respect, it'll be a tad easier to digest.
these images make us look like babarians around the globe..nothing more, nothing less.

and If my grandma ever dared to participate in such,...let's just say it wouldn't be funny.

I never knew naked protests were for "sexual related" causes only?

Wait, what's this and this?

I'm confused now.

What has this world turned into???
May God save us!!There is nothing that can happen to make people go that far.Don't they have morals.Idiots!

LOLz. Did you know "morals" is the most played card in every argument involving Nigerians? Trust me, I know things. Not like it matters but didn't a similar demonstration occur when Nigeria was a British colony? I guess the world got fucked up a long ass time ago.

Ekiti oh Ekiti
May the Lord help us!
i hope this one never make CNN..

If it did go on CNN, which I doubt, it wouldn't be the first nude protest shown on CNN.

From a more "civilized" country, no doubt.

I guess Mexicans don't count since they gave us the Mexican...*cough*...I mean Swine Flu or N1N1, as I've been told to call it.

This is aexactly what Igbo women did in the 1929 riots and in my women studies classes here in America, they are saluted for it.

Barbarism keh? Do y'all read Playboy? Oyibos bear themselves fully naked for money. Yoruba women are doing this for democracy.

Who then is barbaric? Both, neither, either, none?

It's not like there aren't any Nigerian porn stars. C'mon, Nigerians are nude for a good cause. Our prostitutes that fuck dogs in Europe are definitely a level above porn stars. To hell with you, Jenna.

Nigerian hoo-ers are just wonderful...

2009-04-30T09:52:00.001-07:00

I read this on deadspin today,

This is something I can't wait to tell my kids, "when Daddy was out of college, he played football in Europe, visited Spain and got attacked by Nigerian prostitutes as he exited a bar at 4am drunk off of CruzCampo." Who thought that the stories of my days playing football in Europe would have so little to do with football and so much to do with European night life.

I left this bar in Spain at closing time, and to be honest it was time for me to go. There's only so many times you can fall off a barstool and still be served. I make my way to in the street and immediately received what the Austrians call "Luft-Schlagen" or "the air slap" Meaning when the cold night air hits delivers an immediate, sobering blow to your rosy cheeks. Imagine my continued surprise, when in the post luft-schlagen moment I was mobbed by no less than seven Nigerian whores.

Should I issue the "my best friend is black" disclaimer on this next part? Probably. But these women were dark. Like Wesley Snipes black. Like the guy from "Blood Diamond" (or was it "Amistad?") black. Next thing I know I am being hounded for sex, each one offering a more competitive price than the next, then sweetening the deal with claims "No AIDS, baby!" and "I don't have The Germ." Next thing I knew I felt hands reaching in my pockets; grabbing, touching, stroking. Then one of these night walkers found the ultimate prize.

No not my penis. My Orbit gum. It should be noted that good gum is impossible to find in Europe. So this package of winter mint was worth its weight in gold, and like piranhas to an injured calf, they were off of me and tearing apart a package of chewing gum.

I laughed all the way home. Then I woke up on the kitchen floor the next day.

Just wonderful...abso-fucking-lutely wonderful.

Teh Ghey in Nollywood

2009-04-03T11:48:00.000-07:00

....that is all

Nigerians and Virginity

2009-03-24T19:51:00.000-07:00

So I was going to put this post after Sugabelly put hers but being the lazy fuck that I am, I didn't.

Anyway,I was listening to this song called 'tear rubber' on my way to class and it reminded me about this post. This time I’ve decided to whip out my phone and get it out of my system. The song is about this guy that's about to marry this girl but his friend is against the idea.

Why?

Apparently, she is a 'tear rubber' i.e. a virgin. I'm sorry but I don't get the Nigerian fascination with virginity.

I understand why it is a big deal in the Middle East, they are weird and all that shit. Why on earth should it be a big deal Nigerians?

This is just too much for me, don't people understand that virgin sex is like period sex, it's bloody and gross. I can understand some fetishes, I love chicks in sports bras, but blood is just fucking gross.

Brandi can always get it

Now, if you a virgin for personal reasons, like your tuition depends on it, nobody will fuck you, religion or some other crap like diseases, then I’m totally cool with that. But, if you are doing it for anything else then you really need to sort your shit out. This counts double if you are doing it for a future spouse.

Two things,
1. he is probably boinking someone as we type.
2. Any guy that ranks virginity that high isn't worth it anyway. Instead of worrying about shit like your breath, ability to hold a conversation or even your stance on anal, he is bothered about your virginity? Smh @ Negroes nowadays.

As long as you don't come pre-packaged with herpes, AIDS and all that good stuff then you are good to go. Finally, I want to clear something up. I am not telling you to take my word and forever refuse to close your legs. I am telling to rethink your reasons for virginity. If after this re-evaluation, you are still going to hang onto it then good on you, sister. But if otherwise, email me your number because one of my homeboys could do with some action.

BREAKING NEWS!!!! NIGERIA HAS BEEN ATTACKED BY TEH GHEY!!!

2009-03-12T11:37:00.000-07:00

Nigerian gay rights activists have told the country's lawmakers that a new bill to outlaw same sex marriage would lead to widespread human rights abuses

Oh Noez!!!!

The new law would mean prison sentences for gay people who live together, and anyone who "aids and abets" them.

Prison sentence? Woah, somebody's son got butt-raped.

"This bill is not necessary, we see no reason why people should be criminalised," Rashidi Williams, 23, of the Queer Alliance of Nigeria told the committee.

"I did not choose to be gay. It is trial enough to live in this country, we should not create more laws to make us suffer," he said.

[EMPHASIS MINE]

Oh shit, they are organized too.

Under the new law anyone who has "entered into a same gender marriage contract" would be liable to be jailed for three years.

The bill defines a same sex marriage as gay people living together

[EMPHASIS MINE]

What if one ghey dude doesn't find the other attractive? I could live with a bunch of fugly whores and not want to marry them. I just live with them because they cook and clean.

Anyone who "witnesses, abet and aids the solemnization" of a same gender marriage would face five years in prison, or a fine.

Activists say the law does not make sense because anyone who aides and abets people to live together would face a tougher sentence than the couple concerned.

The law would make it easier for the police to arrest suspects, and criminalise anyone working in a human rights organisation that dealt with gay rights, they say

Oh shit! I could be arrested too.

"In the Bible it says homosexuals are criminals," Pius Akubo of the Daughters of Sarah church told lawmakers.

[EMPHASIS MINE]

Really? Daughters of Sarah church? We now have sexist churches? That's a bigger treat than teh ghey. What next? Coddamn women, silently taking over the world. Teh ghey aren't the problem here and QAN knows it. We must unite, motherfuckers. We need to stop this tyranny, this oppression, this ...

You know what? I'm starting Sons of David and we are going to fight this system. It'll be like Terminator and shit.

Children wearing T-shirts that said "Same sex marriage is un-natural and un-African", and "same sex marriage is an abomination" stood in the aisles of the committee room.

Ekaette Ettang, of the Daughters of Sarah church who provided the T-shirts, denied they were inciting hatred against homosexuals.

"We don't hate gay people, but this is the public's opinion and we have the right to speak," she said.

We don't hate gay people but our lovely kids do. Seriously, look at that fucking smile. You don't want to waste that shit. Do you want him to grow up gay? Just imagine how much pussy he could get with that smile. You inconsiderate gay fuckers!!

Activists say gay people in Nigeria face violence from their families and neighbours every day.

Two years ago, a woman went into hiding in the northern Kano State after reports that she had organised a wedding for four women - which she strongly denied.

Also that year 18 men were arrested in the northern city of Bauchi and accused of participating in a "gay wedding".

A Sharia court dismissed the charges and they were charged with the lesser offence of vagrancy.

That's your fault. You went up north and you played that gay shit. You know those sharia negroes don't play that shit. Charged with vagrancy? I bet Mohamed is turning in his grave. Those fuckers got off light. Chop off penises and make kilishi with that shit. Vagrancy? Negroes are getting soft!!!!

-SOURCE

"English" Names

2009-03-01T16:51:00.000-08:00

The honest truth is that I could write a book on this topic, and still not be done. Who can separate the Nigerian man from his name? How can a Nigerian be anything if they have no name? Names are the heart and soul of our people, and by our people, I refer to ALL Nigerian peoples, and pretty much ALL African people. Our names have purpose, they have meaning, they are sacred, they can make you, or break you, win you fame throughout the land, or warn strangers that you are to be scorned and shunned, they are special and terribly, terribly important.....

Then this dude's mother comes along:

Meet Nigerian Vice-President, Mr. Goodluck Jonathan.

I feel deeply upset when I encounter unfortunately named Nigerians such as our dear Vice-President. I feel distressed because I do not know whether to laugh or to pity these individuals and somehow I feel that compromising and laughing politely will do more harm than good. Why oh why do wicked Nigerian mothers put me and others like me in this most uncomfortable situation by naming their children Goodluck, Godswill, Doesbest, Blessing, Peace, Gift, and my personal favourite....Bright? [For the record, all the Brights that I have met have been pretty dim]

When I was in Primary Four in Lagos, I actually had a classmate whose name was Pleasure. The kind of sick, twisted things that come to mind whenever I think about every time I had to enunciate her name leave me feeling uncomfortable and dirty. Just remembering that she was my friend makes me feel dirty, and then I was too young to even understand dirty in any context other than well.. actual dirt.

Pleasure...Pleasure... PLEASURE............................................ew

I feel like Bruce Almighty.

Imagine this friend of mine gets married and decides to spend a hot steamy night with her husband.

Husband: Oh Pleasure, you give me so much.....erm.....

I give up. I'm going to have to shower now. Look at all the psychological harm her parents caused me, and they don't even know it.

I remember her name was Pleasure Amaechi.... God save Igbo people from themselves, Amen.

While I see nothing wrong with giving children English, French, and other foreign names, I feel deeply disturbed realising that Dona, Philo, Vayo, Biati, and Cletus are NOT, as I previously imagined them to be, Igbo names, but in fact "English" names of various Roman and Latin derivation. I'm going to dish a piece of advice: If you don't know what it means, then it is best not to name your child that. When it comes to names, safe is ALWAYS better. Go with tried and tested names in your language. Everyone will thank you for it. Now safe does not mean preferring names of one ethnic origin over another, but if I ever met a Nigerian named Shaniqua I'd be mad as a motherfucker too.

On the flip side, you might be one of those with parents that just lost control with the Nigerian name(s).
Parents of Unsuspecting and Hapless Children: I know you're thankful to God and all that, and you are elated that He Has Blessed You With The Reincarnation of Your Forefathers and You Hope That Success and Favour Will Follow Your Child All The Days of Their Life, but stop and think. Will Egbewomiye Oluwaremilekun Osuntunde* fit inside a passport? Will there still be space for the visas and the photo? Will you be able to laminate the birth certificate at a local copy shop or will you have to take it to an art dealer for a waterproof glaze in order to keep it safe? All this and more are things that caring Nigerian parents ought to consider before punishing their children with unfortunate names that will most certainly sentence them to a life of pain and ridicule.

After reading all this you'd think you're pretty much set to name your Nigerian child without any mishaps. Guess again. Beware of the Double-Name. I'm a Neo-Traditionalist, and I too fear the double name.

Examples of dangerous double names:

Ikenna (Father's strength.... depending on how you pronounce it... also Father's Ass)
Ikemefuna (My strength should not desert me ... again, depending.... My butt should not disappear)
Anyanwu (Name of the Sun God .... depending .... Dead Eye)
Somadina (Do not let me live alone .... depending ... I don't want to sleep/lie alone - I'll leave interpretation of this one up to you)
Malachi (Who knows tomorrow ... depending ... You don't know God)

The list goes on. You have been warned.

So I guess I opened a can of worms, because people will try to defend their names fiercely, no matter how stupid they may be. And hey, you could argue that Goodluck really does have good luck, afterall he is the Vice-President of Nigeria, but it still isn't right to make something a human name just because it's a noun. In the same vein it is extremely inadvisable to call your child an adjective or *gasp horror shock and damn* an ADVERB just because YOU think it sounds nice. All you Lovinglies, Adorables, Godlies, Luckies, Diligents and yes, even you my Brights, I see you, and I laugh long and hard in my soul everytime you say your name.

*Yes, I know that is not what it means, but I'm just trying to illustrate my point.

Parents III

2009-02-25T14:29:00.000-08:00

I was talking to my girlfriend the other day about spring break, about how we are going to spend all week having animalistic sex. Ok, I lie. But we did talk about spring break and how she had to come up with a legit reason not to go home. Why on earth does she have to go home? Why can’t she just hang out with friends like every college kid does?

Two words: her parents.

If you are not going to be an engineer then I’m not going to pay your school fees. Who is that girl? What are you doing with her? Is that what I sent you here for? You’ll see who will pay your rent, idiot!

My father has had perhaps the best and worst influence on me. I think I’m the asshole I am today because of him. I hated my childhood and I was clinically depressed for most of secondary school. I remember being skinny as hell and he still called me a fatty. He was about 300 lbs and he called me a fatty. He was probably first person I heard curse, I guess that’s where I get my potty mouth from.

You fucking fat ass

I remember how much I always wanted to please him and how I stayed on campus for my freshman spring break. I was the only person in my 60 person dorm and I didn’t own a TV. Sometimes I think back and wonder why i didn’t go to South Padre that year. The motherfucker was in Nigeria, how on earth would he have known?
Ironically, he cut ties with me because I spent thanksgiving with my aunt and he didn’t know. Yeah, you read that right. Sometimes I ask myself if i begged to be born. Like I came from wherever the fuck I was and I was like, “motherfucker, I need to come out now.” R-I-D-U-N-C-U-L-O-U-S!!!

I have a love/hate relationship with my parents: I hate my dad and I love my mum. Yes, that is my definition of love/hate. My kids will probably think I’m the best dad EVAR. It’ll be like:

Kids: Dad, can we go out tonight?
Me: Yea, just don’t bring a fatty in my house. If you want to fuck a fatty, do that in an alley and make sure nobody sees you.

Kids: Dad, can we talk to you about drugs?
Me: Yea, sure. Don’t do crack, heroin, speed, acid or salvia or else I’ll disown you. You can try weed but not until you are 18.

Kids: Dad, we think we’ve found a career path
Me: What is it?
Kids: Basket weaving
Me: What the fuck? Are fucking with me? You better be a fucking engineer or I’ll kick your ass. I want none of that liberal arts hippie bullshit.

Ohcrap!

It’s a vicious cycle.

Parental Guidance Pt 2

2009-02-23T14:07:00.000-08:00

I was going to say 'Parents in general' but that might be taking it a bit too far. Plus it's basically not true. For the most part, Nigerians love their parents. They work hard to please them when they're young and even harder to take care of them when they are old. Nope, no nursing homes for us. And not just because there are no good ones but because it's not part of our culture. We're family people. So what's the problem you ask? That's just it. We're family people. I'm not sure {older generation} Nigerians understand the concept of individualism. I understand that parents want the best for their kids but seriously, there are many different ways to go about achieving this best. The typical obedient unrebellious Nigerian child sits balefully at his or her desk day after day pondering questions such as the following:

Why can't I do it our way? Why must it be yours?

Why is your view of success so painfully twisted? I do not have to be a doctor/lawyer/engineer to be successful so why are you making me become one?

Why should I study Physics when my passion is writing? And why do you get mad when I do not do well as you'd like when you know that that's not where my strengths lie?

Why must I call Uncle so and so when it is very apparent to us all that we do not like each other? Why can't I just save myself the pain {and minutes} and spend what would be five excruciatingly painful minutes being otherwise occupied?

Why oh why oh why?

I don't want to hear about Chief somebody somebody's child who went and studied {gasp} human services or classical studies or another such major, wasted their parents money, gave them a bunch of grief and is currently unemployed...Hell, I'm happy for them because at least they're happy.

I {The Typical Subservient Nigerian Child} on the other hand am not. And I will not be until you get off my case and let me do exactly what it is that I want to do with my life. No, you cannot live through me, make up for your past mistakes through me or use me as a trophy to show off to your friends. If you can't be proud of me for who I want to be then quite frankly you suck.

I am fortunate enough to have two brilliant self-employed creatives as parents who believe that for the most part I should be able to do whatever I want {within reason} which is why I'm only half and not fully crazy. Others are not so fortunate. I plan to take it a little further with my children and let them make a couple more decisions for themselves...Not to say that I'll let them run wild but you get my point...because quite frankly, at the best of times, a Nigerian household run by parents whose views of success are painfully narrow, is not the best place to live.
I would rather watch The Teletubbies re-runs in slow mo for the rest of my life than live for someone who quite frankly is going to die sooner rather than later.

Parental Guidance

2009-02-23T13:05:00.000-08:00

There is no typical Nigerian profession. It depends on where you find yourself, what ethnic group you hail from and particularly the people who brought you into this world. Nigerians have struggled in the past. We just obtained our independence long after the structure of DNA was determined (not that that has anything to do with the topic). And so Nigerians do what ever it is they can to eschew struggles. Some may lie, cheat, steal, and yet others tell their children that they must be engineers, "doctors" and the occasional businessman with 'containers on the high seas.' Do not get me wrong I have nothing against the world of science and business as I myself am a full fledged science addict. Nigerian parents all have minds of their own and forget that their children, being Nigerian offspring, also have minds of their own. I cannot recall the time when my parents told me to be what I want to be. "Go out and take as long as you with this thing called self-discovery and we will support you no matter what", they never said (verbatim anyway).

This all makes sense because they find it hard to believe that being something called a political scientist puts food on the table, pays the bills, sends their grandchildren to school. These are all justifiable reasons but nearly if not all the members of my ASA are either pre-med or human development and pre-med, or engineers of some sort all with the aspirations of being doctors and engineers and the occasional pharmacist. Where are the journalists who will run The Guardian? Where are the public relation officers who will tell the country lies or the truth about how oil companies are exploiting the Niger Delta people? Where are the lovers of art, the musicians. Will we still listen to Femi Kuti and Lagbaja over and over again at Gbedu parties? C'mon now, we can do better than that. Maybe I should not be one to talk but if we all become something that we are not , something that our parents have forced upon us , all because we want to put food on the table and drive a big car then what is left for love, music, art, and culture. What else is left for essence of humanity?

I am not sure I did this topic justice but I am sure either Mellowyel or Sugarbelly can help me out.

America: A Love/Hate Relationship?

2009-02-02T09:24:00.000-08:00

Nigeria is a funny country. We seem to be very good at being bipolar. As a girl now in her twenties, I hear a lot more often talk of marriage and homemaking. I always marvel at the oldies saying, "Oh don't worry, you can marry whoever you want," and then, in the same breath, "but don't you dare bring home a boy/girl from that tribe/village." I could launch into a whole other post on this issue, but I'd rather focus on my original topic. the great US of A.

When talking about America, Nigerians suddenly develop bipolar disorder. We love to laud their technological advances, their election of Barack Obama, their working infrastructure, and their great schools. But then, we look down on their more casual dress sense, the way they talk, their apparent lack of morals, and, most especially, we hate anything that can be termed "African American."

For example, parents are proud, and tell everyone that their daughter is studying in the US. But then, when a Nigerian in the US relationship problems, they ask if the boyfriend/girlfriend is American, and then assume knowing looks when the answer's yes, as if to say, "You see? They should have found a Nigerian person to date." It gets worse, though, especially if you decide to start to act like a "black person". Once that happens, you're done for. You're the black sheep who's forgotten what your mother taught you, and you need serious prayers. I can just imagine my parents' reaction if I ever return home with dreadlocks...

More examples: We welcome Clinton and Bush into our land, yet we refuse to allow them to build their military base there. We embrace their music, movies, art and architecture, neglecting the art forms that are Nigerian in origin, from before colonial times; and yet, we deride those who decide to become musicians or dancers - we consider them people without real jobs who are just wasting their time. I think what disturbs me the most about this whole thing is the fact that we strive to maintain some aspects of our culture (traditional values, language), and throw away all the others (dance forms, architecture, etc). Anything - or rather, most things, that are American are good, and anything that's inherently African is bad (another topic that I can write a whole other post on). Does that make sense to anyone? I don't mean are there reasons for this phenomenon: I mean, is this the way Africans should think? I'd like to think not.

See, this is why people who work in global health are concerned about mental health in developing countries. Nigerians is crazy, yo. LOL.

I'd like to ask Sugabelly if she could write about the phenomenon of hating things that are inherently African, and anyone else if they could write on inter-tribal love/hate in Nigeria. Can we talk about these issues, please?

Changes

2009-01-21T20:50:00.000-08:00

As you may have noticed, our blog has changed a bit. It’s gone from “Stuff Nigerians Hate” to “Stuff Nigerians Love/Hate”. My publisher decided “Hate” was too restrictive of a word and my publisher is a fucking hippie. Not really…I don’t have a publisher either but I am planning on writing a children’s book if this engineering thing doesn’t pan out. Actually, I’m not planning on doing any of the writing either. I’m leaving that for Loila and Sugabelly since they like writing and kids (I guess).

What was I talking about again?

Oh, changes…yea changes. God I hate that word. Obama pretty much butt fucked the hell out of that word…arghh. I decided to add the “Love” part (well, I consulted Loila too) because I didn’t like the singular direction that this blog was taking. Also, the change was made to accommodate some contributors. They happen to be in a very happy place right now and would love to write about rainbows and pink fucking bunnies.

Well, that’s about it. Regular posting should resume once we get a hang of school and decide on what classes we want to fail.

Before I forget, I would like to change my stance on the whole Nigerians and sex thing. Someone sent me to some gossip rag about Nigerians in England. After going through most of the posts (as difficult as it was), I realized Nigerians are not as uppity as I thought. It’s just the ones in my 30 mile radius.

Rant No.7 - Aunty X and Uncle Y

2009-01-15T11:17:00.000-08:00

Every Nigerian has one: the Uncle that is only called to family meetings in order to be chastised; the Aunty a few years older than you that always seems to be in trouble; the words your most often hear them described by are deviant, wayward, and... gasp!... Black Sheep! Occasionally you might hear 'deliverance' in reference to them. They are often the youngest child of your grandparents on whichever side, or a distant cousin from the village.

Whenever they visit, there's always a story but they're nice to you, they're cool, they live life with aplomb and you watch them live it helplessly because you're caught between your fear of your family and your desire to join them on the dark side because, disapproving family reputation or not, you are undeniably attracted to the sheen of their rebellion.

On the other hand, they might be the completely wrong sort. They steal, they're rude, they're uneducated, half the time they're shagging the housemaid or the cook, and worst of all they smell. They wear your clothes, your jewelry, use your stuff and always seem to be asking you for money, even though they're way older than you. In extreme cases, they're forty-five and still won't move out. In your desperation you become the perfect child and study as hard as you possibly can so you can get into the best school as far away as possible to escape the possibility of ever even remotely imagining them again.

All Nigerians have a special love-hate relationship with these two. Most people have one or the other, but if you've been lucky or unfortunate enough to have both, then more power to you and I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall of your house.

Rant No.6 - Dating

2009-01-01T18:25:00.000-08:00

I see that the title of our beloved blog has been changed to Stuff Nigerians Love/Hate. I am sure that sorts out the whole Nigerians are not haters thing. We are both haters and lovers. One example of the love-hate(ness) of Nigerians is dating also known as "courtship." Definition (my definition): The period between being single and getting married. Dating is a complex thing in Nigeria.

As this blog is prone (no apologies we cannot help it as we speak from our own experiences) to mild to severe generalizations, Nigerians are weary of the whole dating scene. Nigerian parents have a way of trying to prevent their children from being a part of the dating world yet they claim to want grandchildren before they are their graves. Understandably, they do not want their kids gallivanting around having unprotected sex and making illegitimate children. In essence they do not want them making the mistakes they or members of their "extended" family made. Which is understandable but in the defense of the adolescents such as myself, if dating is incorporated willing, then kids will keep on bed hopping and where would we be?

Correct me if I am wrong (I am sure you will) I believe that dating done right is good dating. So when parents say you cannot date until you are 18 or 21 or some ridiculous age tell them there are 12 year olds making babies. The human body becomes aware of the desires for the opposite sex way before 18 or 21. Not letting kids date or becoming acquainted with the opposite sex in the right environment may not be the best thing after all.

Rant No.5 - Holiday Likes and Hates

2008-12-31T10:32:00.000-08:00

So obviously you've noticed that we haven't posted in a while. This is because, we are Nigerians. And we study for our finals like good children, because our parents would not accept us back at home otherwise. And then comes the holiday season, when we typically go home, see family and friends, eat good food and neglect everything else. So, very briefly, to usher in 2009, I offer a few Holiday Likes and Hates.

Nigerians like coming home for Christmas...
... but hate having to wait 3 hours for their luggage at MMA (Murtala Mohammed Airport), and then fending off rabid money changers asking if you have "dollars" on their way to the car.

Nigerians like eating Christmas food...
... but hate having to haggle for half an hour with food sellers who charge "Christmas price" (rather, ridiculously inflated price) for a malnourished turkey.
... Nigerians also hate people who refuse to pay the "Christmas price" - they think they're stingy.

Nigerians love ushering the New Year with fireworks and bangers...
... but hate having to run to avoid getting hit by fireworks and bangers.

... Sorry, can't think of anything else. Too much jollof rice and chicken... lol. Feel free to add your own holiday likes/hates.

Special Hate of the Day: Sosoliso Airlines

2008-12-10T07:02:00.000-08:00

They cut corners to maximise profits in an industry as delicately dangerous as aviation. They gambled on an old damaged plane and murdered 60 Nigerian children in the process.

Seriously, need we say more?

Rant No.4 - Teh Ghey Agenda

2008-12-03T19:27:00.000-08:00

Nigerians are homophobic but there are some of us that think know better and aren’t. But those guys are full of shit and they are no fun anyway. Girls with gay best friends are as bad as girls with fat best friends. You whores know you become instantly hotter when you hang out with such unless the guy in question has a weird fat fetish. Which is totally acceptable…like really…big girls need love too…ok, I’ll shut up now because my foot is way down my throat that it might just induce barf.

My aunt thinks there’s a gay conspiracy in Hollywood and the sudden inclusion of gay people on TV is part of the supreme plan to draw all hetero people to the ghey side. I love my aunt to death and I wish she was my mother but that has to be the most ludicrous claim I’ve heard since I claimed that Osama Bin Laden attacked America because America was approaching Sodom and Gomorrah levels. Yes, I have my own history of blatant homophobia.

I don’t blame Nigerians for being homophobic. There aren’t that many gay people in Nigeria so it is easy to be taken aback by two dudes making out. Note I said “dudes” because with girls it’s completely different. Two girls making out with in public could either be
1. Attention seeking whores or
2. Drunk attention seeking whores.

But not lesbians because lesbians don’t play that shit. And real lesbians aren’t that hot anyway.

Nigerians and the ghey community are just like Anglo Americans and their Negro counterparts. It might look like they get along but they inherently dislike each other. But I voted for Obama and my best friend is black so I can’t be racist. Well, I know a gay guy and we were on the same beer pong team. He even smacked my ass when we won…no homo.

Rant No.3 - Sex Nosa's Take

2008-11-19T18:56:00.000-08:00

DISCLAIMER: THIS POST MIGHT MAKE UNWARRANTED GENERALIZATIONS

I don’t think Sugabelly did this topic too much justice so I feel I ought to drop my $0.02, which is the most I’m dropping until I get paid on Friday.

I want to make something very clear: NIGERIANS DO NOT HATE SEX. If there’s anything our HIV/AIDS rate tells me, it’s that we love the fuck out of sex.

Then, what is the problem with Nigerians and sex?

Nigerians are generally uptight as fuck and we have our heads way up our assholes. That’s the only logical way I can explain why my mum sent me check on the stew because I demanded to know where babies came from.

Do you know when I got the sex talk? Use protection? Dad, you should have told me that way before prom. I might have AIDS or herpes (I joke…I joke… Don’t take me off your BILF –Bloggers I’d like to fuck – list).

I don’t think this should be restricted to sex. Look at PDA (Public Displays of Affection), I think you got detention for this in high school. Boys and girls couldn’t even sit together at movie time.

I don’t even feel safe making “that’s what she said” jokes with Nigerians.
Naija Girl: …but, I came early.
Me: Haha, that’s what she said…it’s funny because it’s true.
Naija Girl: You are just gross. Abeg get your mind out of the gutter.
My mind is in the gutter? Then how on earth did you know what I meant if it was only my mind the gutter, you fucking self righteous whore!

Uptight and conservative? Jenna Bush would like to disagree.

Rant No.3 - Sex

2008-11-17T16:14:00.001-08:00

...or so they would like you to believe.

"Girl flogged for Having Premarital Sex"
"Sex Video Causes Outrage in Nigeria's Muslim North"
"We Preach Abstinence not Condom"

Headlines like these abound on the national newspapers of Nigeria, although you'd expect a country's press to be representative of the local life, in actuality, Nigerians fuck like rabbits.

And they like it too.

They just don't like to talk about it or even admit it. If you want to get along with Nigerians, never EVER mention, discuss or allude to sex, but make sure you lead a rampant sex life and have as many lovers as you possibly can. When the rumours about your erstwhile activities begin to circulate, deny them furiously and include a few finger-lick-tongue-touch-to-ground-then-air swears and call in the Almighty as your witness, then promptly be seen in church for the next six months. This will win you widespread approval from all Nigerians around.

Never admit to anything, but screw with alacrity. If you can manage not to get/get anyone pregnant and then end up engaged to a man/woman from a wealthy/prominent family in the process, then you will win the undying admiration of all the Nigerians you know.

Rant No. 2 - Tipping

2008-11-11T12:37:00.000-08:00

Before I start, I want everyone who claims to have tipped in Nigeria to get their fake, pompous, elitist, classier-than-thou shit out of here. Kindly click on the red “X” on the top left corner of your Internet Explorer, because I know that’s what you pompous philistines use.

Tipping sucks and I don’t know a single Nigerian that tips without batting an eyelid. I feel like I lose a piece of me whenever I tip. From the $2ish at iHop to the $10ish at P.F. Chang’s, it all sucks donkey balls. The closest thing I came to tipping was telling the Mr. Biggs cashier to keep the five naira change because it was too dirty.

I remember freshman year, I had no debit card so I carried about a thousand in hundreds in my wallet (I don’t trust banks if you were wondering). I was with a couple of friends at some dingy ass motherfucking Mexican restaurant. The service was shit, like really fucking crappy. I only got refilled like once for the whole meal. The check comes, and I drop my hundred on the table.

Waitress: Do you want any change?
Me: Well…yes…all $80 of it (meal was $20 – it was freshman year so I ordered food like a moron)
Waitress: Ok

So she brings the change back to the table and I sent it straight to my wallet.

No qualms, right?

What followed was just plain fucking ridiculous.

Friend A: Dude, aren’t you tipping?
Friend B: Yea dude. Don’t they tip in Nigeria?

*Note: The waitress was at the next table taking an order so she heard this conversation*

Me: No
Friend B: why?
Me: The service was shitty. I’ll only tip for good service.

I’m desperately trying to cover my crudeness with a fairly decent excuse but my friends are fucking assholes so they won’t let it go

Friend B: What is shitty service?
Friend A: Do you know how badly they get paid?

At this point every other person in our groups is attacking me. It was like the adulterer in the bible with a twist: all my self-righteous friends decide they are without sin so they decide to cast stones. As you can see, I couldn’t muster a response. These bastards weren’t letting up so I was metaphorically curled in fetal position ala Rex Grossman.
I honestly don’t see why I have to tip. If there is a problem with pay then they should take it to management not my wallet.

In case you were wondering, I’ve been tipping ever since but I’ve developed a special set of rules.

• Hot female waitress = 5% of purchase + phone number
• Troll looking waitress = No tip
• Nice waiter/waitress = 4% of purchase + gay friend’s number
• Douche waiter/waitress = No tip + gay friend’s number

Seems to be working for me but no calls yet. Maybe I should up that to 10%.