Stay Gold

An Ode to Albany

2009-03-25T11:07:00.004-04:00

For everyone who hates on Albany..it has its perks.
This weekend when I went home it was great.
Show every night, which I miss. Bombers..which is gross but sometimes you gotta do it. Stewarts delicious iced coffee, driving, and singing.
Sometimes I think seriously about moving home but I know I can't and I hate when I get in those moods. I've created my own little life in the city. School, work, friends, etc...but sometimes I want to smell the air that is home. Walk in the grass in my bare feet, lay in front of the fire while my dad talks jibberish, have my mom make me food, drive around with Trisha, and see my best friends that I've known for what seems like my entire life even if it is only 5 or 6 years.
The city can become too much sometimes. Constantly moving. And ugh public transportation..as much as I love it I can't stand it. It's great to take breaks and honestly sometimes theres no where I'd rather be than in my quaint little suburb of Latham outside the Capital that is Albany.
Spring break..you can't come soon enough.

Public Transit

2009-03-21T10:43:00.004-04:00

One of my biggest "beef" so to say with living in the city is not being able to drive. Able...but no car is more like it.
Driving, particularly in the warmer months, is one of the greatest things in the world. Next to cupcakes, whiskey, coffee, and water of course. Theres nothing like getting in a car, rolling the windows down and driving around. Better yet getting in the car, pumping the music, participating in sing alongs and going on a road trip with friends.
Even in colder months cars have their perks. For instance, you don't need to walk blocks upon blocks in freezing wind tunnel streets to reach your car. Another perk is you can just get up and go and not dread the freezing subway wait, or the wait to hail a cab.
I'm all about being Eco-friendly..I love my bike. It's just when spring fever hits I'd do anything to cruise around with some friends. Literally, anything. Thats probably why I'll be frequenting Albany more often as it progressively gets warmer.
I hear summer in Brooklyn is beautiful, but man, summer in the burbs aint so bad. I have a pool after all..

In other news; I finished my book.
I was reading The Book Thief by Markus Zusak and let me tell you it was more than amazing. It took me awhile, actually, a little too long to finish it. But thats just because I had to go to class and do homework and all that boring stuff. But this book, was so worth it. I would've changed the ending a bit, it seemed a bit rushed but the book is so emotionally stimulating and intense that a quick and speedy ending may be appropriate for some readers. It's a young adult book but don't let that fool you into discontent..the topic of the book and the ups and downs of it are pretty extreme. Of course by saying things like "extreme", "intense and emotionally stimulating" I obviously mean...I wept like a baby.
A quick summary of the book: it's about a young girl growing up in Nazi Germany with all the destruction and love that surrounds her. You meet everyone she meets and you grow to love all these characters and you really understand their inner workings. If this seems cliche to you..over look it and read the book! There are some twists and the narrator of the book is a unique one..but I won't tell so not to give it way.

As for me..I have class at one then its homeward bound to Albany. WOOOO!!!

Never Grow Up.

2009-03-18T15:43:00.005-04:00

It's 63 outside, I love it.

College. Does it matter? I've heard that when you get hired people don't really care. It's more about talent. But won't the college name help me in getting a job? Probably. But, do my grades matter? No. This fact makes me want to not try, maybe quit all together. That's terrible isn't it? I just want it to be over with, yet I don't want to go into the real world. I want to permanently be a kid. And with the economy down..I want to stay in school as long as possible. But these long nights of work and stress get to me. They make me hate life and want to roll up in a ball, put the covers over my head and never leave. But I have to.
Also, I feel like college is numbing my mind and deteriorating it rather than increasing it. I crave information and knowledge yet I feel like I'm getting non and recessing. I read, I read a lot, but nothing too informational due to seeking entertainment and a relief from real life rather than a sad tale about a real life, or sad recap of what happened yesterday anywhere in the world.
I just want to have fun do my thing and not worry about what I'm getting on a paper, or when my next type project is due. Also, I like the idea of a job hence having money, but I don't actually want a job. But I do. I got one. It's starting soon and I'm so excited for it. I can't wait for the store to open. Yet, at the same time, I really don't want to get up everyday and go to work and stand around and deal with jerks and be hassled by assholes about what sizes mean and what looks best on them. But I have to.
Theres a lot of those I have to do it times accompanied with I don't want to do it thoughts. That's the fear. That's growing up. Can't I just play in the dirt and read some books and swim and drink some kool-aid and be left alone? Not anymore. Not ever again.

On another note..
I finally got my wingtips in the mail and I'm in love with them.

The Ave of Puerto Rico

2009-03-16T10:52:00.002-04:00

It's always a party outside my window. It's not because theres always "fiestas" going on...its just because theres a music store on the corner.
Please crazy music store on the corner..stop waking me up.

I really need to try some of the food on my block. I'm surrounded by a dozen Mexican joints and I'm sure they're all delicious in their own rights...but what if one stinks? Bad Mexican food really freaks me out, and honestly is a travesty. Cross your fingers..I'm gonna try it.

Friendship Bracelets and Mishka Opening

2009-03-15T23:04:00.006-04:00

After interning with the dudes and girl (didn't forget about you lady) at MishkaNYC for about 6 months now,I have to say events leading up to the grand opening of the store have been an adventure. However, after it's all been said and done I'm so happy it's finally opened and was a success. Friday was wild, with all the people in an out, the birthday cake for gill, the 300 red stripes, the cops, and the whiskey shot. However, it was a blast. The store looks great. Mishka has come so far as a brand and as a company. I love these dudes and this company trust when I say it's worth checking them out..you won't regret it.
www.mishkanyc.com

On another note..friendship bracelets.
The art of the friendship bracelet I'm sure has been around for decades. I love these things. I've loved them ever since I was about 6 and attended my first session of girl scout camp..yes I was a girl scout. It was inevitable that at summer camp an activity you would experience was learning how to tie your first knot on a piece of string. Then tie a few more, and then some more, until it started to turn like a staircase. Hence, the beginnings of a friendship bracelet.
I must say being the arts and crafts nerd I was I did a little reading up on the friendship bracelet and soon taught myself every kind there was out there. I began making them religious, holy shit did I love making them for people. I made them for my friends, my mom, my dad, my brother, really I made them for anyone I felt I cared for. And I also loved wearing them myself. I wore them on my ankles and my wrists. They were everywhere and I loved it.
I retired this act of making the friendship bracelet for a long long time..and then I became a counselor. And with that my joy and love for the friendship bracelet was reignited. I dug out all my old string and began to make them. I gave them to anyone and everyone who would except them and rock em proudly. I've never understood people who wouldn't wear a friendship bracelet..stating they "don't wear jewelry". What a cop out. A friendship bracelet can hardly be deemed jewelry..it's not flashy, it doesn't cost anything, it's a proud gift and almost an insult to deny.
Anyways...my left wrist is now becoming ornamented by these lovely bracelets and I must say I'm not ashamed. Joys like friendship bracelets, coloring pictures, and making mix tapes keeps a part of us alive that is being smushed by adult hood and technology. As far as I'm concerned, long live the friendship bracelet and prolonged adolescents.

Brunch Crawl

2009-03-15T22:34:00.004-04:00

For some reason, brunch is very important on Sundays. I don't know what it is, I don't know how I've gotten into this habit, but I can't say I mind it. It's like all of New York and Brooklyn wakes up on Sunday morning, hung over, or maybe not, and decides they need to participate in "brunch". It may be your first meal, but on sundays..it's still brunch. And let me tell you the brunch crawl is not an easy one.
I usually go to Harfield on Graham and Metropolitan, it's only a hop,skip, and jump away, very delicious, and right in my price range....$12 for your meal, coffee or tea, and mamosa or bloody mary. However, I decided to spice it up today and along with Tiffany decided lets go to Essex Restaurant right on Essex and Delancy. So we go, I arrive first around 2:15, placing my name on the list after being told about an hour wait. An hour..eh thats nothing after all it is Sunday brunch, I'm not starving, why not wait? So, Tiffany gets there and decides she wants to look for shoes so we hit up Steven and then this cute little boutique next to it where she finds these boots shes been looking for for forever..this is completely irrelevant, but who cares.
So after the shopping spree, brief yet full filling, we head back. It's about 2:45 and we decide eh what the hell lets drink while we wait so we get mamosas.....then another round of mamosas, and 3:15 has approached, so like any person waiting on a list I ask how much longer does she think it'll be, and I'm told only 4 people ahead of us. So we wait...and then we wait..and then its almost 4, we're tipsy because we haven't eaten and we're starving. Not to mention it's extremely crowded, like can't breathe, freaking out, stuck in a full elevator crowded. So, we say fuck this place and head to Thor, where we're seated right away and get our food by like 4:15 which is only about 20 min after we get there.
I get the eggs florentine, a coffee, and spice it up with a bloody mary and Tiffany goes with the steak and eggs, a coffee, and a mamosa. Food was good, service was quick, and portions were right on. It was $18, which includes your meal, a coffee or a tea, and 2 cocktails. Can't go wrong.
In conclusion...fuck you essex restaurant, we learned our lesson. If we ever decide to attend brunch with you, which we probably wont, we'll make sure to make a reservation...3 days in advance.

build me up buttercup

2008-08-08T20:58:00.000-04:00

it's happening again.
it's building. building me up.
i'm caving in on myself.

spawn of satan

2008-07-06T22:00:00.002-04:00

one of the 5 cats puked in front of my room. never will I even think that it was my beloved cat max. I just got home from working all day I asked father to clean it up.
father refused as usual. and i being as spiteful as I am..
cleaned it up by putting it in a napkin and then placing it in front of his door.
take that.
I hope if I ever have children they don't take after me.
what a dick move....
shit.

for Sam

2008-07-05T14:22:00.003-04:00

shine1
verb, shone or, esp. for 9, 17, shined; shin·ing; noun

–verb (used without object)

1.	to give forth or glow with light; shed or cast light.

2.	to be bright with reflected light; glisten; sparkle.

3.	(of light) to appear brightly or strongly, esp. uncomfortably so: Wear dark glasses so the sun won't shine in your eyes.

4.	to be or appear unusually animated or bright, as the eyes or face.

5.	to appear with brightness or clearness, as feelings.

6.	to excel or be conspicuous: to shine in school.

–verb (used with object)

7.	to cause to shine.

8.	to direct the light of (a lamp, mirror, etc.): Shine the flashlight on the steps so I can see.

9.	to put a gloss or polish on; polish (as shoes, silverware, etc.).

–noun

10.	radiance or brightness caused by emitted or reflected light.

11.	luster; polish.

12.	sunshine; fair weather.

13.	a polish or gloss given to shoes.

14.	an act or instance of polishing shoes.

15.	Informal. a foolish prank; caper.

16.	Slang: Disparaging and Offensive. a black person.

—Verb phrase

17.

shine up to, Informal.

a.	to attempt to impress (a person), esp. in order to gain benefits for oneself.

b.	to become especially attentive to (one of the opposite sex): Men shine up to her like moths to a light.

—Idioms

18.

come rain or shine,

a.	regardless of the weather.

b.	no matter what the circumstances may be: Come rain or shine, he is always on the job.

Also, rain or shine.

19.	take a shine to, Informal. to take a liking or fancy to: That little girl has really taken a shine to you.

[Origin: bef. 900; ME s(c)hinen (v.), OE scīnan; c. D schijnen, G scheinen, ON skīna, Goth skeinan]

—Synonyms 1. glimmer, shimmer. Shine, beam, glare refer to the emitting or reflecting of light. Shine refers to a steady glowing or reflecting of light: to shine in the sun. That which beams gives forth a radiant or bright light: to beam like a star. Glare refers to the shining of a light that is not only bright but so strong as to be unpleasant and dazzling: to glare like a headlight. 9. buff, burnish, brighten. 11. gloss, gleam, glow, sheen.

tingle tangle tee

2008-07-05T14:15:00.003-04:00

confusion squishes me. it blots out my clear view. makes me silly. my silliness shines..my hatred for you makes me dizzy.
I swirl. swimming in swirling booze. delicious.
I'm caught up..up high on a clothing line..dangeling...thinking...memorizing..remembering.
things seem to hit me when I don't expect them. They pour out of my unconscious mind into my dreams and i wake up fearing them.
I don't fear you.
I would do bad good things to you.
dizzy me up..
amazing things happen when your back is turned. don't trust me, i wont trust you..push me as far down as you possibly can. as far down as the soaking dirt will allow and I'll jump back up and surprise you.
It's magical down here in this belly of sand. and although I'm sinking part of me is rising. my heart is beating. I can hear you. I can hear the silence.
Silence scares me. It makes me antsy. I jitter and jive in my seat of silence.
but it moves me...it progresses. it makes me be better..want to be better. want to be greater. to shine so bright in the moonlight. to be the moon and the stars and sun and give it all to you.
give myself all to you.

life, death, and everything in between

2008-06-06T12:45:00.006-04:00

I've been thinking really crazy things about life lately.
I feel as though recent events have totally brought this on.
It's nuts how one minute you're here and the next you're not. You can be breathing, living, loving, and then its gone. Sometimes theres no room or time for goodbyes. It just hits you and vibrates out to the people you love. Theres that instant after effect. That gasp, that delusion...is it true? they aren't really gone..are they?
and then the worst part..life goes on.
you're not here and now its done and nothing stands still. people remember you. they'll never forget you. especially those closest to you...but they're still moving. wishing you were next to them. wanting you there for all those special memories..a crazy party, a birthday, a wedding, a birth, a bike ride. but your not at least not physically. but always in their hearts and minds.
It just really hits home. and it reminds us all to let those we care for and that care for us know we love and appreciate every moment we spend with them.

My best friends friend just passed abruptly, it's terrible. I feel for everyone who knew him better than I did.
RIP.

http://timesunion.com/AspStories/story.asp?storyID=693289&category=ALBANY&BCCode=&newsdate=6/6/2008

http://www.legacy.com/TimesUnion-Albany/Obituaries.asp?Page=Lifestory&PersonId=111035347

nap turned slumber

2008-06-02T03:25:00.002-04:00

I wanted to nap for an hour. only until 930..that turned into 2:54 am.
must have been tired. sad thing is...getting tired again.
man I must need sleep.

check 2 1 2

2008-05-24T19:08:00.007-04:00

The other day I stopped to visit trisha and get coffees for dez harm and myself. when coming to hang and give them their treats I stumbled upon the movie they were watching.
While dez searched the web for shoes and harm played his ds I got absorbed by this movie. I couldn't move. I hate entering movies late and not knowing whats going on but I caught on pretty quick.
The Title is "Le Vie en Rose" which is about Edith Pilaf and her life and how it came to be. It's completely in French since she after all was French and a French singer. Although they weren't fully watching the movie they'd glance up and we'd talk about what was going on. How crazy she was yet how beautiful. The actress who played her one an award for her performance and looked so much like her in the movie it was crazy. The movie is constantly not in present day. It flashes from present to past always and gives you glimpse of different times and days. In the end it all makes sense of why this is going on. This movie really made me appreciate Edith Pilaf her voice is absolutely amazing. If you're into foreign films I definitely recommend renting this movie. You wont be let down.
Since I've been sick lately and trying to get over it I actually ended up watching two more movies that night since I finally had time to watch my netflix.
First on the list was Happiness.
I attempted to watch this movie a few times before but for some reason kept falling asleep during it so I figured why the hell not get it on Netflix, which was definitely a good idea because it was an amazingly intense engrossingly funny and awkward movie.
This movie is twisted and yet gets to the core of some real life shit. Hoffman gets real creepy in it and I love it. He does an amazing job of course. Theres definitely a sexual tone to the entire movie. Whether it be Trish's son trying to cum and talking to his dad in extremely awkward conversations on how to masturbate, or Hoffman calling up random women in the phone book and telling them he's going to make them cum from their ears while jerking off this movie shows I think some true aspects of peoples sexual and normal relations with those around them. The title definitely suits the movie. Its as though through out it people are just trying to do them and live their lives and maybe eventually find happiness. Even if it is being able to masturbate and make yourself cum at 12. It's a great movie and if you love awkwardness thats comical I recommend it for sure.
The next movie I decided to watch even though it was getting really late was Hard Candy.
When I first added this movie to my list on Netflix it was an accident. I was trying to add this movie that Heath Ledger was in about Heroin but then I read what this film was about and decided it'd be interesting so I mise well keep it and I'm happy I did.
It's a thriller for sure but not the kind where theres blood and guts but there are a few times where you'll definitely jump. Ellen Page does an amazing job and they make her up to be really really young and innocent but you find out something much much different when the movie gets going. If you don't know what it's about I'll give a quick summary. Basically this girl is a teenager, 14, I believe and she starts chatting with this man whose in his 30s online in a chat room. She asks him to meet and they do at a coffee shop. From there they go to his place where things get intense. Of course at this point the viewer is thinking this man in a molester or a killer or at least has alternative motives besides hanging out. After all, what kind of 30something man meets with a 14 year old girl? But as the movies unravel you see who really has the alternative plans and it gets crazy. The ending was brilliant. It's set up so you think one thing is going to happen and a split second after it does you realize that its not what was going to happen after all. It was awesome and it kept me up until 3 in the morning.
Theres my movie update. I'll have more soon.

Sex and The City vs. Rocky Horror Picture Show

2008-05-23T11:46:00.002-04:00

The other day on the radio my father was telling me there was a girl who said she had sex at like 13 or 14 because she thought it was ok from watching Sex and The City. I hate when people blame their actions on media. Of course...media DOES influence us and our tastes..but really.
When I was 7 my crazy drug addict aunt (shes clean now btw) was supposed to be watching me...so what she did was put on Rocky Horror Picture show in the family and left to do who knows what. I sat there..watching this Transsexual man whom I could've sworn I've seen play other none men that looked like ladies...create a muscle man...take advantage of Janet then take advantage of Brad and in the end have a huge orgy in the pool. Did this make me want to start dressing of the opposite sex? no. Did this make me want to go and have sex? hell no I didn't even understand it when I watched it. Did this make me think it was ok to act as these crazy amazing characters acted...once again..no.
My friends and cousins have been playing violent video games since the beginning of time..well since they've been around anyways. These things never made any of them go and shoot up the school or kill their parents or think it was ok to steal etc.
We always scapegoat.
Sometimes when certain people see or play certain things it does put things in their minds. BUT parents are supposed to monitor their children. Help them. Watch them. Make sure they're not killing people or having sex in the car outside. Shouldn't we ourselves take some responsibility for our actions and perhaps shouldn't the parents of children who do terrible acts take some responsibility as well?
Now...kids today have sex at like 12..that girl saying it was Sex and The Cities fault is nutso. Damn just admit it...you wanted to do it.

One is Silver and the Others Gold

2008-05-22T13:44:00.001-04:00

I look at old pictures. Then I look at new.
I ask myself "what am I doing with my life"
think for a second.
and then respond "amazing things Lindsey...amazing things"

two drops two pounds two drops I'm too sick

2008-05-22T01:47:00.003-04:00

it's creepy. i love it. watch it more than once..you'll love it too.
watch..you'll be quoting it for dayz.

I just cleaned so much but feel like I've gotten no where. 3 bags of clothes I just packed to get rid of...3 fucking bags. thats ridiculous.
as my mom would say "thats a sin"

Home Sweet Home

2008-05-21T00:36:00.004-04:00

I swallowed my septum ring. In my sleep.
road bike. sun. wd40. starbucks. le vie en rose. Sam Adams Summer Ale.
blued eye boy meets brown eyed girl...the sweetest thing?

This is who I am...

2008-05-16T10:00:00.000-04:00

And I'm not sorry.
Stop. Look around you. Don't cross the street you may get hit by one of the yellow ones...they don't stop. Frustration bores me but I let it conquer me. I'm young, and I love to be young. Why be upset when you can be happy?
Quit frustrating me. Don't judge me. I don't judge you. Who are you to say whats wrong whats right? Take a minute. Look in the mirror. Maybe you'll quit pointing your finger at others and start seeing the reflection of you. You're not perfect. You don't know me. Don't judge me.
Don't judge my friends. This is my life and I'm not sorry. I live. I make mistakes. I fight. I survive. I'm a seasoned fighter. Leave it be. Leave me be.
I've been swallowed whole and I'm happy to be here in this belly. I don't need your judgements. If I really thought you're judgements mattered don't you think I'd reflect on them for a minute? Why don't you quit looking me and everyone I'm with up and down and start maybe doing some self reflecting?! Theres a start. Get over the drama you've created in your head. Or better yet be a better person and get over things that happened in the past. Move on. Grow up.
Don't do this, do do that. Get outta here with you're shit. Step aside as TFM would say.
Let me live man. Live and let live. Back off. Get a brain. Grow a brain.

New Yark

2008-05-16T00:33:00.001-04:00

It's been awhile.
My first year at F.I.T is ending and its been amazing.
I'm stoked to go home but this city has swallowed me whole and I love it.
New York..you will be missed..I'll be back soon.

vacancy sign

2007-12-23T21:20:00.000-05:00

I'm good at putting names and faces to feelings. It's such a good way to distract yourself. all you have to do is take whatever it is you're feeling and then tell yourself well I'm feeling this way because of so and so even if its no where near the truth..it'll distract you from the truth. I find I dont ever know the truths myself. I'm so busy distracting myself I forget the real reasons. Isn't that sad? That we hide from our own truths? I feel as though as humans we search for the truth. We lie and then we search for the truth and then we grow and we teach ourselves to be honest people and to tell those we care about the truth. Honesty is by all means the best policy right? Well if this is the case why do we spend so much time lying to ourselves? I mean we're all just little dots floating around this surface searching for one thing or another...searching for truth. Truth in who we are, truth in who your friends are, truth in what everything is all about. But then we cover it up. We cover up ourselves. We're honest..but only as honest as politeness will allow us to be. We're not honest. We're honest to peoples ears..as in we say what we are thinking or perhaps what we are thinking they want us to think but then if we see a glimpse of distaste in their eyes we change our tune and search out the new truths they want to hear. I know this makes no sense.
I have truths..but I hide from them I distract myself from them. I keep them deep inside where they're easily covered up with daily tasks and noise. For if I were to sit alone in silence for too long these truths, these real reasons may start bubbling up and then where will that leave me? In a state of confusion, hatred, sadness, self loathing, self loving, who fucking knows. I dont...because I dont let them bubble up and the minutes I realize they may start being unearthed I change the topic not just to others but to myself as well. I've always thought I've been the kind of person who answers questions ya know. The open kind of person who will tell you what I'm thinking but I've slowly started to realize I dont talk. I wont tell you how I'm feeling or whats wrong because I wont even tell myself.
So if I can put your name and your face to my emotion it'll distract me from my truth. It'll cover the real feeling up with a face that may not even pertain to it..and then I'll smile make a small joke and change the topic before I have to feel something else for too long that is to close to real and true.

Long Time No Blog

2007-12-07T00:00:00.000-05:00

WOW it has been way too long since I've written in this I'm really going to try to start writing more. The semesters already almost over and it flew by..and I have so much work. But surprisingly I'm not stressing. Sometimes I feel like I should be stressing more than I am though and once I start thinking I start panicking so I try to avoid the whole thing in general.
I'm wondering if I was born in the wrong era. Does that sound weird? It probably does doesn't it? I just really think living in the 50s would've been rad 50s on. I watch documentaries and I'm just like damn..how fun. Even being a kid in the 50s and 60s seems like it was much more fun because you made your own fun. You actually went outside and played you weren't a zombie in front of a television screen which to me seems amazing. Obviously always have grown up with technology it's hard to imagine what it's like to truly escape from it. But, I think it would stellar. And the clothes and the life style damn I would love it. Also the 20s! god damn it how Id love to be a flapper..and I most definitely would've been. Or in the 50s be the first girl to wear pants to school...how classic is that thought even? It being a big deal to wear pants! And all the culture and life going on during those times. All the movements and activism fuck man it would be awesome.
I wonder if people in the future will look back and say damn I would've loved to have been born in the 80s and 90s and come up in that time. I'm sure people will but theres no way its as exciting as the 50s and 60s. I mean it has its fabulous aspects and what not...MTV xbox etc but all these things are technology...and I really want to live without it...just once. I'm sure by then..by my grandchildren's time our technology will be nothing...then again by then there may not be anymore blogging etc because of big brother..who knows. But i just want to be classic ya know? Classic beauty. To be a classic would be amazing..to be a classic legend..even better.

the ins and outs

2007-07-22T20:34:00.000-04:00

I'm leaving for school in less then a month. I'm pretty surprised at how long I've put off actually thinking about it. Even when I do think about it..I don't REALLY think about it. It'll be awesome and fun and new. But, at the same time I'm really nervous. I have all these questions running through my head and "what if..." questions.
I'm hoping for the best.
On a side note Annihilation Time played last night and were amazing. There are a lot of great shows coming up and I'm super stoked about that. However, I feel as though summer is flying by and I haven't done shit. It's slipping from my grasp and nearing it's end and I'm going to have to leave very soon and it feels like nothing has even happen. Like maybe summer hasn't truly started yet. That feeling is kind of depressing. I mean I guess it's been a decently fun summer I just feel like I wanted more or expected more from it. Too high of expectations. Plus, we haven't gone up to Greg's camp at all this year and that saddens me because some of the most memorable moments of summer happen there. Maybe thats why I feel like something is missing. Also, I haven't swam in my pool at all this summer and that fucking sucks. I work everyday and when I'm out of work I'm too tired to do much. And I just want to be inside since I've been sweating outside all day with kids. It's a sad cycle. I'm gonna try to make the most of the next few weeks because I know they're going to fly by and then I'll have a week and one day once work is over until it's time for me to move. So...thats a little depressing as well.
But, I think since all these awesome shows are coming that it'll start maybe making me feel like summer is here. I don't really know. I can only hope.
Also, TRANSFORMERS...was amazing! Such a good movie. The corny shit totally didn't even matter because all the action scenes were awesome. I turned into a little kid again sitting in the theater watching it. I was sucked right into it and it was awesome.
This Is Hardcore is coming real quick too, which I'm excited for. However, I'm sad because the last day of it ,August, 19, I'm supposed to move into my dorm so I don't know how that'll work but I'm sure I can figure something out. I'm stoked.
I guess my scale is balanced because the depression things even out kind of with the awesome things to make a nice leveled me.
On one more depressing note though...I'm SOOOOO not looking forward to going to work tomorrow. I'm praying the day flies by..for my sanity.

you're pro WHAT?!

2007-06-12T19:22:00.000-04:00

So, I've known about such things for awhile but never saw it until a few days ago. This..is a pro-anorexia bracelet. aka pro-ana. Apparently anorexia isn't just a disease but now a cult like movement. Really...I can't believe this shit. There are webpages, blogs, livejournals...you name it they got it, dedicated to this shit. It's basically a bunch of websites where people can share tips of how they shed pounds and use phrases like "thinspire me" with of course pictures of mary-kate olsen and nicole richie. This type of shit gets under my skin. There are people who really can't control feeling so low and such hatred for themselves...including those with eating disorders and it erks me. It freaks me out to know that self mutilation has been going on for centuries and centuries just to be "beautiful". I mean this dates back to Ancient China with feet binding and what not. It's just disturbing. And it hurts.
I'm sure there are young girls who feel bad about themselves and feel too fat too tall to whatever and go to these pages for advice on what to do, how to set goal weights and how to lose it fast. And its disgusting because girls and boys...don't realize what they're getting themselves into. I don't want to be lecturing. I don't want this to seem as a lecture. If you want to be thin I COMPLETELY understand. I'm a girl too. I've been a pre-teen and a teen with self image issues. Hello..I'm pretty sure everyone women in American and elsewhere has been in this position..feeling too fat too thin too ugly whatever. But to take the steps to actually start starving yourself and making yourself throw up is too much.
It's a downwards spiral and can take years..a lifetime to conquer. I know people who are 45 years old and still struggling with these issues, this disease. And it's not pretty or beautiful or attractive. It's like you always have a choice..atleast at the beginning. You can chose to do it the right way..to lose a few pounds by eating right and excersising and knowing when to stop. Or you can do it the wrong way by skipping a few meals..then skipping everything..then puking if you do eat. And once you enter that way of living..you're trapped. And then you develop really serious issues. And it gets out of control and you can't stop no matter how much you want to. Even if you look fine you're not...you're miserable. You WANT to be thin...you convince yourself you NEED to be thin. What the fuck is thin?!?!
You're killing yourself slowly. And no one can help you. The people that love you can't stop you. It's a damned if you do damned if you don't situation. They confront you..you hide you're lying and skipping meals and puking better. They don't confront you, you keep doing what you're doing. And looking back on it you realize how selfish it really is. For instance..this 45 year old even though she still struggles can see how much she hurt the people who loved her. Especially her parents. She tells me how selfish it was just because she wanted to be skinny and be beautiful. Since when is skinny beautiful? Marilyn Monroe was georgeous and she wasn't skinny. Neither was Audrey Hepburn, not by todays standards anyways. By todays standards they would be "too large". It's terrible.
Does that look pretty to you? What picture is more attractive?!
And..why are you flaunting your disease? Why are you wearing that stupid fucking bracelet? Are you proud that you're killing yourself slowly? Are you proud that you're hurting the people that care about you most? Why are you wearing it? Thats really what I want to know. Why the FUCK are you wearing that stupid fucking bracelet when my aunt almost died on a fucking hospital bed becuase of this fucking disease?! are you proud that you're starving yourself...are you proud that sooner or later you'll end up in a hospital too...please PLEASE tell me what there is to be so proud about. Maybe it's because you've reached your goal to be 88 pounds and look like a walking corpse...maybe you wanted to blend in with all the other people who were dying of disease that they didn't want like cancer and aids. I'm glad you're so proud to be anorexic and bulemic because no one else fucking is. I pitty you, silly girl with the pro-ana bracelet that I don't even know. I pitty you so much it makes me want to cry and hug you...not tell you anything. Not tell you you're pretty or beautiful or thin..because that won't make it better. Just cry because thats all I can do.

It's raining, It's pouring..

2007-05-19T19:15:00.000-04:00

Today has been filled with rain. Thats ok, except now I'm bored.
With motivation from a friend I decided to organize my iTunes. I had no idea how hard this would be or how time consuming. I have 112 genres, no clue how thats possible, but I'm trying to limit it down to about 5. Along with organizing comes trying to fill in all the blanks. Meaning, the songs with blank albums and blank genres. I also plan on getting all the album art. I'm still on A...
This is going to take forever. I'm googling a ton. But now after about an hour maybe an hour and a half and figuring out how to add the album art to all the songs etc (I'm an iTunes moron) I'm bored out of my mind and sick of iTunes. It's almost as bad as putting my clothes away..but I might just go do that.
Lesson Learned: stay organized.
I've been saying this for years...or well ever since I became less organized that I need to get back on top of it. I need to become the clean freak I once was. I mean I'm organized..but in a messy way if that makes any sense. I need to become more on top of my organization. But, for real this time.
Also, I wish it were nice out.

phone call

2007-05-17T09:48:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago while I was working on a final project my stomach dropped. I started getting really nervous, worried, upset, etc. I was thinking about my cousin. I got so worked up I started crying. Not screaming crying or anything but a silent cry. Maybe these feelings etc were sympathy pains..I don't know. Then the phone rings and I literally stopped. I stopped thinking and feeling and just stared at the phone. I didn't know the number on the ID and this made my stomach drop for a quick second then I just kept staring. I tried to listen..listen to my dads voice, straining to hear the conversation. Did he sound happy? Was he upset? Who was on the phone? I had this gut wrenching feeling it was related to my cousin. I never give a shit who calls but this time I just knew.
A few minutes later he came out back and upstairs to talk to me. He walked in and I just stared.. "that was uncle steve" (brians dad) "he was calling to say Brians fine. He heard from him a few days ago" My heart sunk as my mind filled with questions and my dad filled me in.
Apparently, they had been attacked. His squad or whatever. I guess it was all over the news. I see that shit all the time and since I'm not sure exactly what platoon he's in I just skim the list of names of soldiers unaccounted for searching for our last name Myers. If I don't see it I try to ignore what the reporters saying. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to know anymore..
I'm glad he's ok. But, I cant help but be so mad at him. I hate going weeks, months even without hearing from him. I hate that he's there. I hate that he signed up for the Army 3 years ago knowing there was a war. I hate the things he has seen. I hate the poverty, the death surrounding him. I hate when he leaves and I hate seeing his eyes when he comes home. I hate crying. I hate that he's not living the normal life of a normal 23 year old. Most of all, I hate myself for hating all these things.
I just want him back. I want to dig deep within him, find the old him, and pull him out. Resurface him. But, it'll never happen. He can never go back to the normal 20 year old he was when he left. He's forever changed.
I know I rant about this sometimes. But people don't get it. We live our day to day lives sometimes forgetting a war is even going on. We don't care. It's not effecting us. And I feel fucking TERRIBLE for forgetting him. Forgetting that he's over there dealing with this...that he's not home or in school or at work. It's not like I forgot completely, I always know he's not home but sometimes I feel like I do'nt care enough. I never want to be so consumed in myself and my life to forget he's there. It's not a present thing to most people. It doesn't effect most peopls day to day life and it shouldn't. It shouludn't effect my day to day life either or paralyze me..that's not what I'm saying. All I'm saying is I don't ever want to feel that stomach drop I felt a few weeks ago. I don't ever want to so casually realize after weeks of not talking to him..hmm weird I haven't heard from Brian.
I never want that phone call. That bad phone call. I never want it.