tip for the day

Just 3 Questions

2009-11-15T17:12:00.002-06:00

In the J3Q hot seat is: Suzanne Somers (b.1946)

1. How much did your role as "Chrissy" on Three's Company inform your opinions of modern medicine?

2. Could you compare your role as "Chrissy" on Three's Company and your appearances on The Home Shopping Channel? (QVC?)

3. Do you still speak to Joyce Dewitt?

Tips For The Holiday Season

2009-11-13T07:17:00.005-06:00

(The Holiday Season is right around the corner, as a matter of fact, Walgreens started displaying Christmas themed items on Halloween evening. TFTD thought it would be a good idea to spotlight certain key elements that make the holidays a fiscal, gluttonous feast.)

Think about the the things the less fortunate do around the holidays.

Think about what it would be like to be one of the less fortunate.

Read books about how to avoid becoming one of the less fortunate.

Start looking for a new fruitcake recipe.

Tips For Dealing With A Teenage Daughter

2009-11-12T07:25:00.005-06:00

Use contemporary language.

For fathers: Stay away from subjects that could be somehow connected to a menstrual cycle.(Stay away from any words that begin with "M".)

When the teenage daughter says, "Jamie's parents said she could." reply, "I don't really give a darn what Jamie's parents do, the last time I checked Jamie wasn't in our family." This reply is tried and true.

Resolve disputes using text messaging.

Tips For Insulting Someone

2009-11-11T07:10:00.007-06:00

Call the person in question, dumb or incompetent.

Comment on the person's bloodline.

Give a legitimate compliment with a hint of sarcasm.

Polish, Italian and people from Las Vagas are easy to insult.

My Exclusive Interview With Jimmy Conrad

2009-11-09T09:46:00.002-06:00

via jimmyconrad.com

Posted via web from kuzava's posterous

Tips For Bad Breath

2009-11-06T08:57:00.003-06:00

Don't brush or floss teeth.

Eat onions and Doritos.

Smoke cigars and drink beer.

Visit the dentist irregularly.

Tips For Recycling Aluminum Cans

2009-11-05T09:07:00.004-06:00

Walk along busy highways and search for cans on the side of the road.

Recycling aluminum cans with a friend can be fun.

Use a Walkman and listen to the news while searching for cans.

Buy a metal detector.

Just 3 Questions

2009-11-04T08:34:00.003-06:00

In the J3Q hot seat are: The Kardashian sisters, Khloe, Kim and Kourtney

1. Who is the tallest and the shortest sister?

2. Have you ever noticed all three of your names begin with a "K"?

3. Did you play board games when you were kids? Do you ever play board games now? If yes, which is your favorite?

Tips For Being On The Wrong Side Of An Argument With A Spouse

2009-11-03T08:16:00.003-06:00

After realizing the original position is flawed, stick with it as long as possible.

Change the subject.

Complain of appendicitis and say, "I think I am going to turn in."

Since most of this post is directed to husbands, once the end is clear, stop the argument and explain there is housework to do and the family would be better served with a clean bathroom or a shiny kitchen floor. The downside would be anything named would have to be done. Use this only in emergencies.

Tips For Binging On Halloween Candy

2009-11-02T11:17:00.002-06:00

Wait until the child leaves their basket or bag of candy unattended.

A real time saver is to unwrap six or seven items and then consume.

There is nothing to be ashamed of, but avoid embarrassing questions by binging in private.

There will be weight gain, have a plan.

Tips For Carving Pumpkins

2009-10-30T11:35:00.003-06:00

Halloween is the best time of year to carve a pumpkin.

Look at other pumpkins for ideas.

Use pumpkin carving time as a way to reconnect with family. If a fight starts, reconnect another way.

Pumpkins begin to perish quickly; after carving, place pumpkin in plastic yard bag and set out for trash pick-up.

Up Close With Umberto Zappia

2009-10-28T22:49:00.003-06:00

(Up Close With Umberto Zappia is a new weekly feature at JC.Com. Staff reporter Umberto Zappia will invite a guest to the McDonalds at 95th St. and Antioch in Overland Park, Ks. While eating, Mr. Zappia will do what he does best; he will ask the tough questions. His guest this week is Umberto's father, Dominic Zappia.)

We join the conversation after the two get their food and sit in a booth near the fountain drink island.

Umberto: Thanks for coming, I called a bunch of people and most were already booked or didn't bother answering the phone. Are you enjoying your fish sandwich?

Dominic: It is fine. I used a coupon and it only cost $2.10, which included the small coffee.

Umberto: Did you use the senior citizen discount?

Dominic: Yes. While I am thinking about it. Your Aunt Esther is coming to visit in a couple weeks and you should try to come to the house and say hi.

Umberto: Sure, just give me a call to remind me. Is Uncle Bernie coming?

Dominic: No.

Umberto: Do you remember when you and Uncle Bernie were making barbecue chicken on the grill, must be thirty years ago at this point...

Dominic: ...and we burned it and caught heck from your Mom and Aunt Esther. I was in the dog house for a while after that one. Uncle Bernie started telling that story about the aircraft carrier and the crap game. It is a long story and we weren't paying attention and before we knew it, all the chicken was on fire. I remember joking to your mother that we were trying to make "blackbirds".

Umberto:That story always gets me. What are you doing after lunch?

Dominic: I have to go to the hardware store to pick up my lawn mower blade. It was really getting dull. As I sit here, I couldn't tell you the last time I had it professionally sharpened. Tonight, your mom and I are going to watch a DVD I got for $2.00 at Walgreens. That reminds me, I haven't been able to turn the TV on. The remote control isn't working.

Umberto: Change the batteries.

Dominic: How do you do that?

Umberto: I'll come over and do it. It is too difficult to explain.

Dominic: I don't know why TV's are so hard to operate.

Edit Delete

via jimmyconrad.com

Posted via web from kuzava's posterous

Tips For Renewing A People Magazine Subscription

2009-10-28T07:11:00.002-06:00

Google: Renewing People magazine subscription

Find a 1-800 number in the magazine's customer service section.

Ask a friend how they did it.

Let current subscription expire and wait for a letter in the mail.

Tips For Being Aboard A Hijacked Plane

2009-10-27T08:26:00.002-06:00

Don't attract attention.

Ask the flight attendant just how long the hijacking will last.

During a hijacking, the middle seat is still uncomfortable; book an aisle or window seat.

Hope the hijacker's destination is somewhere warm.

Just Three Questions

2009-10-26T10:02:00.003-06:00

In the J3Q hot seat is: Satan (b. unknown)

1. What was your childhood like?

2. Does all the negative press from the world media bother you?

3. Who is your favorite person to visit in hell?

Tips For A Smuggling Hash Out Of Turkey

2009-10-23T08:39:00.003-05:00

Pay someone else to do it.

Place hash in shoe before boarding the plane,cruise liner or train.

Watch Midnight Express.

If caught in Turkey, tell the authorities it is just a joke and the hash will be mailed back upon landing in America.

Just 3 Questions

2009-10-22T08:25:00.004-05:00

In the J3Q hot seat is: Peter Edward Rose (b.1941)

1. Did you enjoy your time with the Cincinnati Reds?

2. Why were you called "Charlie Hustle"? Did you mind being called that?

3. After playing in Riverfront Stadium for 40 years, did you get to know the people who worked concessions?

Bonus Question:

4. What barber did you use while playing for the Reds?

Tips For Cell Phones

2009-10-21T08:38:00.003-05:00

Most cell phones can be cleaned with a soft, dry cloth.

Cell phones and landline phones are similar.

Charge cell phones while sleeping, at night(Most cell phones have a battery meter on the main LCD display. The gauge should be easy to spot and reference.)

Cell phone calling plans are easy to understand; any questions should be directed to individual providers.

Tips For 'The Elements of Style'

2009-10-20T11:04:00.007-05:00

The Elements of Style is available in paperback or the hard kind.

Use The Elements of Style in a conversation to sound smart.

The Elements of Style can be stored with other books.

The frugal writer can buy The Elements of Style at a used bookstore(be certain the used copy isn't bent and has all its pages).

Classic Tips For The Afterlife

2009-10-20T07:29:00.000-05:00

The afterlife is a great mystery, pack accordingly.

If hell is the final destination, mind your business and do the time.

Don't haunt anything. It scares kids.

It is the only concept with any permanence. I think.

The New Vendstar mV520

2009-10-18T22:37:00.004-05:00

Ridgeview(TFTD)-- The new TFTD vending machine arrives today. The model is a state of the art, Vendstar mV520. We decided on this model after countless hours of research and comments in the suggestion box. As stated earlier, it is a state of the art model. The specifications for the Vendstar mV520:

Dex/UCS Capable

Electrical: 115 VAC, 1.2 Amps(230 VAC, 0.6 Amps)

12 Selections of snacks & candy

Bright LED display

21" cabinet design

Quick first-in-first-out product design(?)

Vends 16oz., 20oz. and 24oz. plastic bottles

The "520" will be located in the break room and will be available for vending after our product selection meeting. We have to select what will go into the "520". 12 trays and endless possibilities. For instance, we could stock 4 chips and 8 candy products. We could reverse that and stock 8 chips and 4 candy products. Outside the box? Stock the whole "520" with chips. There are nutritional concerns and peanut allergies to consider. We'll see you in the break room...LOL.

TFTD Video: Leftovers

2009-10-15T12:16:00.002-05:00

Tips For Joining A Civil War Reenactors Unit

2009-10-15T08:50:00.002-05:00

If using live ammunition, shoot over the heads of fellow actors.

Speak with the same regional dialect as the reenactors/soldiers in your unit.

If injured, don't go to the field hospital.

If shot dead during a reenactment, remain motionless for the remainder of the battle.

Up Close With Umberto Zappia

2009-10-14T13:15:00.003-05:00

(Up Close With Umberto Zappia is a new monthly feature at JC.Com. Staff reporter Umberto Zappia will invite a guest to the McDonalds at 95th St. and Antioch in Overland Park, Ks. While eating, Mr. Zappia will do what he does best; he will ask the tough questions. His first guest is none other than his boss, James Richard* Conrad.)

We join the conversation after the two get their food and sit in a booth near the Playland area.

Umberto: I wonder how old this McDonalds is? It has been here as long as I have lived here, so it is at least 20 years old. The Playland was added probably about 11 years ago. What did you get?

Jimmy: I didn't get anything, well I got water. I really don't like McDonalds. I thought we already talked about that.

Umberto: We did talk about it, but the new Up Close feature takes place in a McDonalds and it would have been stupid to have it at Arby's.

Jimmy: Could you wipe your face; there is mayo all over your cheek and it is making me sick.

Umberto: That always happens when I eat the Big N Tasty. I think there are more condiments on this burger than any other on the menu. Ketchup, mustard, pickles, everything. It is very filling and coupled with the large fry and drink; it makes for a good lunch. How much was that bottled water?

Jimmy: It was, I think, a dollar. How long is this going to take? I recorded Top Chef and I really want to go watch it. Are you going to ask any questions or are you continue giving me observations about the menu?

Umberto: Wow, someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I was going to start the interview after I got some food in my stomach. I was having some very pronounced symptoms of low blood sugar. It is an arresting feeling. I don't know if you ever felt it.

Jimmy: Everyone has had that feeling. First question please.

Umberto: OK. What other sports did you play when you were a kid?

Jimmy: I played baseball and basketball.

Umberto: Cool. Could you pass me a napkin? I spilled some mayo on my pants. Wow, baseball and basketball. Would you ever consider playing professional baseball like Jordan did. Didn't he play for the White Sox?

Jimmy: He played for their triple A team, That's enough, I am leaving, I can't take anymore of this. It doesn't appear that you have any questions prepared and I have got to get some other s**t done. So, bye.

Umberto: Don't leave yet. I will think of a good question....have you ever played water polo? No...

Jimmy: Out

(* Jimmy's middle name is 'Paul' not 'Richard')

via jimmyconrad.com

Posted via web from kuzava's posterous

Classic Tips For Talking To Someone Who Is Smart

2009-10-14T08:10:00.000-05:00

If completely lost, nod head and wait for a chance to guide the conversation back to something easier.

Look at watch and pretend there is something pressing to attend to.

If employed early, act as though English is not a preferred language.

Think of topics seen on CSPAN to infuse into the conversation.