Clairwil

Inheritance, Crochet, Knitting and Bulbs

2009-11-22T21:52:00.005Z

Hello,
This is one of these rambling blog posts about little of any real importance to those of you in the non-Clairwil community but may it comfort you to know rambling pleases me.

Obviously a proper writer would find some way to link their personal situation to Gordon Brown or some other drain on the nations joy. It's bloody typical of me to become quite upbeat when everyone else is walking around with their faces tripping them because blighty has gone to the dogs.

I suspect it's the thrill of the new that's put a spring in my step. Recently I met a Lady as in a member of the aristocracy. I thought she was top form and not at all snooty -though very, very posh indeed. Obviously I felt like a bit of a midden in comparison and experienced several cold sweats about doing something non-u with an imaginary serviette. Still when all is said and done I do not believe my conduct besmirched the reputation of the lower middle classes. No doubt a huge parade of casual racism and curtain twitching will be held in my honour when the sixties semi set get wind of it.

I'm actually feeling rather aristocratic myself following mother's announcement that my granny's books are to be disposed of . Mind you, unlike the real aristocrats I don't even have the option of involving the Scottish National Trust

My inheritance snatched from me by an unfeeling feng-shui practitioner. Instead of expressing my true feelings on the subject I have opted for damage limitation. To date I think I have saved the poetry, The Book of Snobs , Three Men In a Boat and a P.G Wodehouse that I believe is in the collection but no one else does. I have also petitioned for the sale of the rest since their presence is such an affront. I cannot bear to see those damp smelling, dusty hardbacks binned.

They aren't just objects or clutter they are the library of a clever, curious woman forced to leave school at thirteen because of a lack of money, who rather than just whine about the injustice chose to combine rage with lifelong self -education. I think there is a lot to admire in that, however difficult and bitter she was on a personal level. Who can blame her? Virtually all her siblings won scholarships and went on to better things while she became a servant. You'd think Mummy would be delighted with such a legacy but no. On she trundles in her quest to leave nothing but a crap pebble-dashed semi.

Recently I've taken up yon knitting which I'm finding restful and tricky in equal measure. I cannot move for tripping over knitting needles holding the beginnings of bears, snoods, cats, balls and caterpillars. Sadly despite my best efforts crochet eludes me. For now.

My gardening, fund raising and bulb planting mission continues and whilst I think we shall fall short of the big target having been very badly let down here and there, both I and my partner in gardening crime have exceeded our targets and between us brought in a cool 7000 bulbs. All donations are gratefully received but we were particularly impressed by the good folk of the North Kelvin Meadow pitching in with £50 and priceless free labour with yesterdays planting. This donation was particularly touching because the city council are in the process of removing them from the land to sell the land to folk who will build a block of flats that are neither wanted or desirable in that area. Depressing stuff.

Strangely the council think my troop of guerrillas are just the ticket and have offered us all sorts of much needed help. Better still we're more or less a constituted group which means we can apply for funding. My aim has always been for the group to become a full time occupation -let's face it there's plenty neglected land that needs our attention. However I'd like us to at least generate most of our own income and just top up with grants and the like. Between us all we've a million plans and hopefully we're at a point where they might just be possible. All in all I'm happy.

Cheerio

The Britblog Round Up

2009-11-15T21:17:00.007Z

Hello,
As my longer term readers will have noticed it's been a while since I last hosted The Britblog Round Up. Having quit to spend Sunday offline a while back I found I was missing it and decided to offer my services on the subs bench so this may be the first of many infrequent returns of the round up to these pages.

As an island we've not had an awful lot of good news recently so it was nice to round the week off with rugby victories for both Scotland and England. The less said about Scotland's footballing performance the better so let's just say well done Wales and move swiftly on to the cream of this weeks blogging talent.

Gordon Brown's attempt to comfort the grieving mother of a soldier killed in Afghanistan or more accurately The Sun's attempt to portray his letter as a calculated insult caused a stooshie this week. Whilst Brown elicited sympathy from both expected and unexpected quarters. A Very British Dude felt that despite his initial sympathy for Brown the row did reveal something rotten in the governments attitude towards our armed services and brought to mind some of the governments own past dirty tricks. My take on the whole debacle can be found below.

The Sun hasn't just been upsetting Gordon Brown this week. Both Trixy and Mark Reckons are disgusted at the papers targeting of Professor Nutt's children. Judging from some of the comments under the original Sun story it appears that the paper has again misjudged the mood of it's readers.

Penny Red treats us to a spirited defence of a young woman who had the effrontery to horse about in a pair of comedy pants on a night out only to find she'd become the poster child for hysteria over binge drinking ladettes.

The Glasgow North East by election has caught the attention of more than one blogger. David Duff wonders if there's something in the porridge. Jeff at SNP Tactical Voting is unsurprised by the result. Meanwhile Archbishop Cranmer reminds us that the poor will always be with us and judging from his depressing, if informative list, mainly found in safe Labour seats.

Speaking of poverty The Daily Maybe present the argument for a possible solution in the shape of a basic citizens income for all.

Philibiblon examines what 'Martine Segalen’s Love and Power in the Peasant Family: Rural France in the Nineteenth Century' has to tell the reader about French rural life. Meanwhile Investigations of a Dog looks at military culture in early Stuart England as detailed in a very expensive book.

Stroppyblog is less than impressed with Hope Not Hate's attempts to head off the BNP threat and wonders why their literature appears to be aimed at people who probably wouldn't vote BNP anyway . Elsewhese Gramsci of all folk get's an outing thanks to an article by Melanie Phillips. Liberal Conspiracy and Bella Gerens take a look at the arguments.

This post from the F-word prompts one to wonder what on earth goes at E4 and appears to reveal some strange and disturbing attitudes in the minds of the writers of Misfits.

This Tory believes that government attempts to protect homosexuals will do more harm than good. Read his letter to Jack Straw here.

Ruscombe Green brings us news of lively events at Stroud Council.

The Earthenwitch renders a cob house. On the bright side judging from the picture it looks like the end result will be well worth all the effort.

Ducks the nation over will breathe a sigh of relief that not only do they have a friend in Liberal England but in the Stroud Fire Service . However they may wish to scratch the Taxpayers Alliance off the Christmas card list.

The ever popular subject of chocolate get's two mentions this week. Unmitigated England is gloomy at the looming prospect of the Kraft takeover of Cadburys. Meanwhile Backwatersman recalls a visit to Cadbury World.

Pickled Politics bring us a depressing account of good conduct well punished. Truly British justice is the best in the world.

No less depressing is this one that goes, a blogger an architect, a civil servant, a marketing manager and a councillor go into a bar.....

From the threatened demise of Cadburys as we know it to the threatened end of the world.
Two Doctors is unimpressed with the arguments put forward by climate change sceptics and those who believe disaster will be averted by the end of cheap oil.

Punkadiddle re-reads a much loved classic and judges the cover to be a very lovely thing indeed.

Heresy Corner reports on the computer that said no to Churchill's call to fight on the beaches and is not optimistic about the ability of computers to cope with complex marking.

Finally allow me to apologise for the delay in posting this weeks round up -Blogger had one of it's periodic fits apparently prompted by my hitting of the publish button. The Round up will be elsewhere next week so get your nominations in here.

Cheerio

I think I'm having a nervous breakdown!

2009-11-10T21:34:00.004Z

Hello,
I'm not actually all that unhappy, in fact I'm quite perky but some very strange things have been happening over the last few days. I flick on the telly and find the death penalty has be reinstated and Garry Glitter has a fatal appointment with the noose. The last time I was that shocked was when I absent mindedly fell asleep in front of the telly only to wake up and see a fellow being hanged. It turned out it was Saddam Hussein but it was still a shock and quite upsetting at such an early hour. Apparently it had to be shown on telly in case the Iraqis thought we were pulling their leg -like the WMD prank we pulled a while back. As I was alone in a hotel in Rotterdam at the time I don't see why arrangements couldn't have been made not to broadcast to my room. I did not have so much as one sceptical Iraqi in my room and would have believed the news had it been conveyed in writing.

Anyway to return to our fallen leader, Mr Glitter it would appear that the whole programme was set in a parallel Britain and that he's in rude health and free to worry the nation's nursery schools of a morning. I don't hold with child molestation but you have to hand it to him he is the only rock star to ever truly outrage public morality. With regard to the programme they'd have been better fictionally hanging the Kray twins. I have noticed a strange love of the Krays amongst fans of hanging, it would have been interesting to see their reaction to that one.

As if the whole Glitter hanging business wasn't enough I then find myself on the same side of an argument as Councillor Terry Kelly and Gordon Brown. I refer of course to the current debacle over the PM's handwriting and spelling. I should of course declare that I have a certain empathy with this situation my failure to close O's has brought more than one member of the educational establishment to the brink of madness. You can tell looking at Brown he has crap handwriting, a messy desk and he forgets where he put things. Even as we speak he's probably standing in his kitchen gawping at a stapler wondering how the bloody hell it and he got there.

When Brown took over I can't say I was delighted but I drew a certain comfort from the fact that he looked like a man who, if questioned, could not account for the whereabouts of his tie collection, unlike his predecessor who looked like the sort of man who kept them in individual Tupperware boxes stacked in order of purchase.

There is also the matter of Brown being somewhat short sighted what with the unfortunate loss of an eye and deteriorating sight in the other. He probably can't see what's wrong with his handwriting. Literally.

The way The Sun are hyping this story up you'd think all was sweetness and light in Blighty, that everyone was happy with the government and we all thought Afghanistan was a spiffing adventure abroad for thrill seeking young lads. Good God! Unemployment is rampant, the army are in Afghanistan armed with peashooters fighting a pointless war in which we're going to be humped and in the midst of all this misery the government plan to go after the disabled and their carers again in their completely wrong headed attempt at welfare reform and Britain's most widely read newspaper is in a strop about the prime ministers handwriting.

The one thing The Sun could usefully do is call attention to the poor pay, poor accommodation and poor equipment of our armed forces. They could really go mad and question what in God's name we're doing out there. They could even question why so many ex-military are homeless or receiving such shocking physical and mental care in the community. They could do a lot of things, a lot of good populist easily understandable things but instead we are treated to the grotesque spectacle of a mother mad with grief lashing out at one of many right targets for the wrong reasons, exploited to sell a few rags for Rupert. The whole thing is quite shameful.

Cheerio

The Value of Nothing!

2009-11-03T23:06:00.006Z

Hello,
Having spent the best part of today trying to talk in a soothing manner to an extremely distressed and disturbed chap who is being driven mad by 'these waves' and believes that his appliances are telling him to kill people, I have gone from being quite cheery to despairing for humanity.

Not being at all qualified to deal with this sort of thing I confess I felt somewhat out of my depth. One wonders what was going on in his mind, though not have as much as I wonder what was going on the mind of the hero at the Jobcentre who sent this emaciated, unwashed and terrified soul over to me for advice on getting back into employment.

Actually I don't wonder what the walking empathy bypass at the Jobcentre was thinking at all. I should imagine it was their targets interspersed with dreams of spitting in the gruel in a workhouse. Funnily enough I have targets and the like to work to but felt rather than piss about telling the chap what 'in work benefits' he might be entitled to before rustling up a c.v I'd refer him to his GP by getting on the phone and using the skill of being reasonably articulate to arrange an urgent same day appointment.

No one dislikes people more than I do but even I can see that it's a terrible thing for a human being to be in such a state of distress and that it would be a worse thing if their television actually convinced them to do someone in. Even the tit at the Jobcentre. There is of course one's self image to think of. I'm sure both I and my chum at the DWP like to think we're not the sort of people who would take advantage of a mentally ill person for the sake of meeting some arbitrary target dreamt up by some overpaid nit who knows about as much about real life as I do about expenses fiddling.

Whilst I don't want to go sobbing all over the settee at other folks problems I think we might all rub along a bit better if certain folk considered the possibility from time to time that other peoples needs should perhaps come before their own. I do realise that whilst this chap is out of work he's costing us all money but I personally find the idea of a seriously ill person being harassed into employment for the sake of saving a few bob morally repugnant. Money is important and it's very useful at the shops but a person's worth cannot be determined solely by their economic worth. Good Heavens if people believed that they'd cheer when they hear about the deaths of those deemed economically worthless and no one has been that evil since we saw off Hitler.

Oh whoops a daisy! Would you believe it -the readers of the Daily Mail are in high spirits because an illegal immigrant has died from suffocation in the back of a lorry? Obviously pussy lefties and other assorted lunatics think it's awful that someone died in this way. Some freaks might even feel a bit of sympathy for someone who's circumstances were so grim that they were prepared to risk their life in the hope of bettering their lot. In fact one might even shud an awful shudder imagining the slow death one of their fellow human beings has had.

Still not all the Mail readers are breaking out the champagne. Whilst Martyn Robinson of Northampton believes this mans death has saved us a 'house, car and free money' and Keith Jones of Porthcawl feels it is 'good news. One less to worry about', Crackers of Yorkshire reminds us that it's only 'one down, millions to go'. Similarly downbeat is Eduoard Dunnachie of Carnwath who is upset that this country may be 'liable for disposing of his corpse'.

It may surprise you to learn that these were the comments that made it past the moderators. The mind boggles at what they felt was unfit to publish. Let's hope none of the chaps family are online Mail readers

One can't even excuse these comments as being from people who feel strongly about immigration and are angry at the governments record on border control. Someone who felt like that would I imagine be calling for tighter controls in the hope that these would deter people from trying their luck. They may also demand much stiffer penalties for people convicted of people smuggling. And all of those would be fairly sensible and defensible positions.

They don't even work as bad taste jokes or black humour. Can any passing boffin who may have arrived her to sneer at me advise me what the origins of this madness are? When did people start weighing the worth of their fellow humans solely in cash? If I find out these are the same folk who bang on about there being no sense of community anymore heads will roll.

Excuse me I'm off to live in a cabin in the woods with only foxes and wood pigeons for company before you monsters all deem me 'nil economic value' and sell me for glue. It's a terrifying day when I of all people am forced to call on people to try and be a bit nicer. At the very least people could try sugaring the pill with a few jokes.

Cheerio

Look!

2009-11-02T23:08:00.002Z

Hello,
It's not the most startling or original observation in the world but I am compelled to repeat it -Sting and his awful wife are tools of the devil. Look at them. I've seen people assaulted for less. Come to think of it I've been assaulted for less.

Cheerio

New Plans For Trafalgar Square!

2009-10-21T23:35:00.004+01:00

Hello,
Have any of you ever visited Trafalgar Square? I have and it's pleasant enough as squares go but I can't help but think it could do with livening up. Happily I think I've found just the plan.

Those wacky fundaloons at Islam4UK have taken a break from shouting at servicemen and annoying folk to cast their disapproving eyes over Trafalgar Square. Thankfully they've come up with something more constructive than shouting at it and have rather thoughtfully put together a plan to make it more Islamic. When I say Islamic, try and think of a more peyote influenced version than what you may be used to. Anyway without further ado here are the changes.

Firstly that 'notorious fornicator' Nelson has to go. Unfortunately for poor old Nelson 'under the Shari'ah, the construction and elevation of statues or idols is prohibited, and consequently, the statue of Admiral Horatio Nelson would be removed and demolished without hesitation'. Now don't all start moaning about 'bloody Muslims' conspiring to make us all gawp at a big boring column with nothing on top as if this is some mad half baked scheme. Obviously Nelson will be replaced. With an Islamic clock. I must confess I'm not exactly sure what an Islamic clock is but I feel certain one designed by the lads at Islam4UK will have us all turning our watches back 500 years or so.

Perhaps most exciting of all are their plans for the lions. At first I was outraged, I like the lions and wanted to keep them but like Nelson they're statues so need to be demolished without hesitation. The lions won't go to waste, instead they'll be melted down 'and its bronze composition utilized, possibly in artillery as a defensive measure against any impending attack from outside forces, such as France'. No way would the French mess with us if we had bronze cannons! Take that France!

The lions will then be replaced by 'pots of gold coins....., so as to provide all members of the public with the opportunity to freely take money and fulfil any need that they might have'.
Now does that not sound a much better way of distributing welfare than having people queueing up in the post office? It's a wonderful idea. I mean it would be much easier for everyone if instead of boring benefit forms the government just left a big pile of gold coins in Trafalgar Square and the needy could just help themselves to their fair share. Obviously the pot will need topping up from time to time, once everyone has taken their fair share but Islam4UK ,unlike some some duck house, flipping crooks I could mention, are quite clear that they won't be wasting public money on useless ornaments so the pots will never be empty. Not of course that anyone will need to take so much as a single coin from the pots because 'the divine justice meted out by the Shari'ah'
will ensure all our needs are met! Hurrah!

If I may offer the fellows at Islam4UK a bit of well meant friendly criticism I just don't think they're being ambitious enough. What's the use in having a lovely Islam compliant square if we're all going up the road to unIslamic houses? To that end I propose that the lads get their own Islamic home makeover TV show. It'd be a smash! Just imagine Anjem Choudray wafting about in leather breeks like Lawerence Llewelyn-Bowen, stenciling the entire Qur'an over MDF panelling, pausing only to call 'Handy Andy' a grunting infidel oik before beating him with a book of fabric samples. TV gold.

Please click on the link at the top of the post to see the plans. They're priceless and yes there are pictures.

Cheerio

Let's Hope Jan Moir Dies Fucking a Goat.

2009-10-16T17:52:00.006+01:00

Hello,
What drugs is Jan Moir on? Has a tragic accident in the kitchen caused a logic bypass? What on earth had poor Stephen Gately ever done to anyone?

As you may be aware Stephen Gately from Boyzone died rather unexpectedly last weekend in Majorca. Given his youth and the sudden nature of his death a postmortem was carried out which found his death was from natural causes. In addition the police investigated presumably to establish what happened on the evening leading up to his death and to rule out anything more sinister than a tragic premature and sudden death.

Despite having no evidence or expertise in investigating deaths, Jan Moir has decided that the coroner got it wrong and Mr Gately died because he was gay. I can only assume that Jan's first draft entitled 'The Filthy Queer Had it Coming' proved too much even for The Daily Mail. Consequently the repulsive, fat bitch had to haul her big, lardy, arse back to her keyboard and find some justification for rejoicing over the barely cold corpse of a dead man in his early thirties.

I'm afraid Jan doesn't do very well. She gives us an account of the the known events of the evening and implies that these must be the real cause of death despite all the evidence pointing towards natural causes. In any case even if he'd died of exhaustion following a record breaking horse orgy his death would still be sad, what with him being a fairly pleasant young man with friends and relatives who loved him.

Incidentally if Jan Moir really feels so strongly about death resulting risky lifestyles she would be better seeking help for her most obvious problem - lack of appetite control and exercise. Her byline photo shows that she is not merely overweight but morbidly obese. It's hypocritical to go pointing fingers at dead gays for what she feels were their dangerous, sleazy lifestyles when she is very likely to die prematurely as a result of her excessive consumption of food. Judge not lest ye be judged porky! That's just some of those Christian values the Mail are so fond of but never get round to practicing.

Still not content with dancing on Stephen Gately's grave Kevin McGee, the ex partner of Matt Lucas is dragged into it. Kevin McGee killed himself. Stephen Gately died of natural causes but they were both gay and in civil partnerships so in Jan's mind there must be a link. According to Moir their completely unrelated and the entirely different circumstances of their deaths 'strike another blow to the myth of happy-ever-after myth of civil partnerships'.

I must say I had no idea there was any such myth. It must be news to the government as well because there are procedures in place for ending such partnerships. It's almost as if it's expected that some partnerships will succeed and some will fail. I expect that's why the few folk I know who are in one gave it a bit thought before taking the plunge.

Quite how two deaths prove anything about homosexuality or civil partnerships is not made clear but I'm sure Jan knows what she's talking about. After all she can prove a coroner is wrong simply by disapproving of the corpses lifestyle. Fuck me, fatty is a genius. This brings me to some troubling news for married hetrosexuals. Neil Ellerbeck was recently jailed for killing his wife, not only that a married woman was locked up a few weeks back for fiddling with kids and I think we can all think of someone we know who has been divorced. Now if you completely ignore all the happy and successful marriages out there I think you'll agree the above cases all demolish the case of marriage.

The headline of Moir's article is quite peculiar. I can't see anything strange, lonely or troubling about Gately's death. He died in his sleep after what sounds to me like a good night out. The only troubling aspect of his death was that he was so young. Then again I rather like the idea of folk being happy and enjoying themselves whereas Moir seeks to cheer herself up in between snacks by dragging everyone else down. I can only assume it took a crowbar or the miracle of photoshop to get her smiling like an ageing hooker in her byline snap rather than displaying her usual cats arse of a mouth.

It's ironic that Stephen Gately stayed in the closet for the early part of his career for fear of public reaction to his sexuality, only to come out and find reactions ranged from supportive to indifferent. I took that as a sign we might have moved on a bit. And indeed we have. Shame Moir's idea of progress is waiting until gays are dead before launching nasty, unwarranted, small minded poisonous attacks on them.

Cheerio

It's like a very strange dream

2009-10-08T22:32:00.006+01:00

Hello,
I was pootling about the internet when I stumbled across this old rant by and I regret to inform you, I'm not joking, my brother's favourite comedian, Jim Davidson. Today's strut across the plains of the internet has been like a very strange dream. First up I got an email calling me a 'murderous Jew cunt' for no discernible reason and which murderous cunt aside lacks accuracy. Then I saw this , then this before finally encountering the full loopiness of Davidson. I really wonder if I have woken up in some sort of parallel universe.

It seems that Mr Davidson is unhappy with the level of crime in Britain, a fair enough point and a fairly mainstream view. However he then goes on to inform us that the situation is much better in Dubai in a manner which suggests that he'd like a bit of the same here. In other words it would appear that Jim Davidson has written an open letter to our Home Secretary requesting the introduction of Sharia law in Britain. Oh my sainted aunt.

As resorts go Dubai is hardly Club Tropicana. This website reckons it's the 'dream holiday place' which it might well be if you're a lunatic puritan but frankly it sounds rubbish. For a start you can't even shag a chap unless you're married to him! Worse still you can't even be alone with a chap, even for an innocent chat if you're not related. Freaks! Their drug laws are barking mad, even more so than our state sponsored overreaction. Look what happened to these poor folk. They also take a dim view of miscarriages.

Still we must remember that Mr Davidson has been a victim of crime in the UK himself despite having 'a personal security team' comprised of 'ex-Hereford hooligans' which isn't rewarding crime at all is it? Anyway as I was saying Jim did have some bother with the UK crime last time he was over here.

According to Davidson there was a man on his face and he needed a copper to tell the man to wind his neck in. I know, I know, it could only happen to Davidson! He's mad! No, honestly I really do think he's mentally disturbed. What other explanation can there be? When the police told him he'd need to come to the station and make a complaint he told them and this bit beggars belief, that he'd get his ex-hooligans to deal with it instead. What sort of idiot phones the police and tells them they are about to pay their staff to assault someone? Jesus wept. Naturally the police threatened to prosecute him. That does tend to happen if you phone them up and tell them you are about to commit a crime even if it's in retaliation.

In any case if I were the police I'd take any report of a crime from Davidson with a pinch of salt. Not solely from malevolence but because he has something of a tendency to overreact. Look at how he responds to finding himself in the same room as someone with comic timing.

Cheerio

You Can't Tax Me, I'm Special.

2009-10-06T22:50:00.006+01:00

Hello,
Good God, I see Tracey Emin is pulling a Phil Collins and threatening to leave the country for tax purposes. Well don't let the door bang your arse on the way out, dear. I know it's always argued that if you say anything snide about someone rich moaning about tax it's because one is jealous and has posters of Arthur Scargill on the wall. I can't speak for anyone else because in order to do so I'd have to make the effort to find out what they think and I can't be bothered. It won't be interesting. So instead I shall speak for myself. I'm not jealous of her wealth because the only reason she's richer than me is that I haven't found a lucrative racket as yet but I'm confident I will at some stage between now and the grave. I pity her being such a tightwad. I try to avoid complaining about tax in case people think I'm poor. I have my pride.

I also pity her for being such a thicko about the whole tax thing. First she complains that she's going to be charged so much tax she'll be forced to go and live in France. Of course on the face of it 40% income tax seems quite attractive in comparison to 50% but it fails to take into account VAT of 19.6%, bank interest charged at 18%, 8% 'Social Charges', Social Security charges of anything from 13% to 22%, optional health care charges of 8% and not one but two local taxes. If I were averse to taxation the last place on earth I'd be going is France.

Furthermore if I were averse to taxation I wouldn't be whining that the French subsidise more artists than we do. Oh and if I had made myself rich through art I might refrain from gurning about the lack of government subsidy for art in the UK when I'm not willing to pay for it. She's done alright off tax payers money and I suspect would be the first to through a blue fit if we all started demanding value for our money. I mean, I thought our Trace was quite the hoot when I thought Saatchi was paying for it, had I known we were in on the whip round I'd have taken a sterner view.

Quite frankly it speaks volumes that her main objections to the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq is the cost. It's also telling that she reckons the Olympics are a waste of money. Taxpayers generosity it seems should not extend to any industry Tracey doesn't benefit from personally. It may surprise Tracey to learn that the world, let alone the UK tax system is not there for her sole benefit. Truly taxes are for the little people. I'm quite sure France is similarly indifferent to Emin's financial situation, unless of course we are on the cusp of an episode even more horrifying than the French revolution.

Cheerio

A Plea for Mercy.

2009-10-04T21:43:00.004+01:00

Hello,
Something has been troubling me for a while now. First some background. I can be quite sensitive about certain things. Well that's what they tell me, I believe I just have higher standards than most other people but whatever, I have been known to attract derisive laughter when I explain what's troubling me. Make of that what you will.

I came off the happy pills a while back and a few initial wobbles aside it's gone quite well until now. I can be walking along the street quite happily when it -the awful thing assaults my poor eyes. A visual rape I am powerless to defend my goggles against. My human rights are being abused.

It's the new Celtic away strip. Why would they do something like this to innocent people? I like Celtic, admittedly only because they're from Glasgow and the alternatives are unspeakable. Also someone told me that Celtic keep all their money in a biscuit tin like a pensioner that doesn't trust banks which I think is rather wonderful. But none of this alters the fact that they have committed a crime against humanity. For God's sake look at the wretched thing! It's the sportswear version of Medusa. Don't look into it's hoops! You'll end up like Lot's wife or worse.

If it were only worn by Celtic players that would be tolerable as it would only be seen by consenting adults and children with appropriate adult supervision. That isn't what's happening though. Almost everyone in Glasgow is wearing the garment of aesthetic evil. Despite it's obvious ugliness it's a hard thing to look away from. Like a road accident or a decomposing set of Siamese twins. Only worse.

Women are wearing it. Fat people are wearing it. Creatures that look like they come from the Gallowgate are wearing it. Dear Lord I wouldn't raise an eyebrow if huns were wearing it. As I was saying to Mr Clairwil last night there is a very real chance that Celtic's bad style choices are going to put me under the doctor again. Fond as I am of Dr Lindsay and our little chats I prefer to run my own show.

I'm trying to stay strong but this abomination unto the Lord God has to stop. Surely some moderate Celtic fans could make their voices heard and make this visual hell stop. Failing that I could ask some of my mates from the knitting scene to rustle up an acceptable alternative. Either way someone has to act.

Cheerio

No More Heroes

2009-09-23T21:42:00.002+01:00

Hello,
In a week that saw the Sugababes become pop's very own version of Trigger's broom I have decided to turn my attention to the increasingly dull world of music. I know everyone complains about music as they get older but I've been sat next to the office radio all day which I am convinced must violate one of my more important human rights. At least folk in previous generations had the luxury of saying 'it's just noise', 'it all sounds the same' and 'is that a man or a women?'. What questions does the modern download chart raise? 'Have they started yet?', 'Are they only doing music because they couldn't get jobs in insurance?' and 'Do you reckon he wets the bed?'. Bloody awful. Apart from the bits I don't mind.

I've wandered. What I am meandering towards is this peculiar tantrum by Everett True. He seems like a nice man but many years ago when I was a teenager he was obsessed with Kurt Cobain and wrote about him all day long in some now defunct music paper. It was quite sweet in it's way. I only mention it because the years do not seem to have dimmed his passion for the late Mr Cobain.

As far as I can make out Mr True is in an awful strop because one can footer with the settings on Guitar Hero and make Kurt mime along to songs by Bon Jovi and Bush. This is a very bad thing because it involves associating the image of someone who has a degree of credibility with some people who have less credibility. You see unlike Bon Jovi or Bush, Nirvana never sold out by making commercial music, signing to a major record label or altered their record sleeves and song titles in order to comply with the wishes of Walmart. Oh no! Unlike Gwen Stefani's husband out of Bush of Jon Bon Jovi out of Bon Jovi, Kurt Cobain didn't ruthlessly pursue a major record deal then pretend to be all conflicted and upset about it like it was an airborne virus rather than the result of years of graft.

Oh wait. I think I've got that wrong haven't I? In fact if anything I think if anything the openly careerist Mr Bon Jovi and Mr Gwen Stefani's Husband should be up in arms at having their music associated with such an out and out phony. Of course in reality they'll be delighted at being mentioned in the same breath as the musically superior Nirvana.

I'm sure someone somewhere idolises Jon Bon Jovi but is it really any more absurd than idolising Kurt Cobain? Unless of course one admires Mr Cobain as a man with a good sales pitch or for breathtaking hypocrisy. In which case he wins hands down. That said I suppose one should regard anything that stops the easily impressed admiring John Lennon as a good thing. For all his faults Mr Cobain comes nowhere near the sheer horror of that self-indulgent shit for brains.

I should stress at this point that I couldn't give a fuck about people signing to major record labels. I never did. I'm quite delighted to see musicians making a bob or two. It's wanting it but not having the balls to tell all the sneery, whiny losers where to ram their jealousy dressed up as morality that rips my knitting. There's fuck all wrong with success, having money is a fucking treat. If Cobain had really been that upset by his success in life he'd have given the money to the cat and dog home and refused to record another note for his label. Instead he shot himself because he was just your common or garden nutter. There but for citalopram go I. Having sympathy for the man and his illness is fine but admiring him for it is absurd. One might as well admire my pal at work for her 'Duke of Argylls' or me for having a toenail infection.

If I were Mr True I'd leaf to the end of 'The Boy Looked at Johnny' read the following and recite it at regular intervals in the hope it sinks in.

'Anyhow God Save Rock and Roll... it made you a consumer, a potential Moron.....

ITS ONLY ROCK AND ROLL AND ITS PLASTIC, YES IT IS!!!!!'

Cheerio

Brilliant More Arseholes!

2009-09-20T20:49:00.005+01:00

Hello,
Good Lord as if we didn't have enough anti-social beer monsters cluttering up the place and getting on everyone's wick I am informed that we in Glasgow (why us?) are due a visit from the English Defence League in November. Wow! I can just see that bringing all colours and creeds together in a rousing round of 'Roll Out the Barrel'.

Apparently they pop up wherever they feel Islamic extremism is eroding their way of life. Bloody hell 'feel' , have they all been watching Oprah or something? I strongly suspect the only thing they feel is the urge to clobber some unpopular minority judging from their recent conduct. Quite how the Muslim extremists of Glasgow have managed to erode the English way of life has not been explained. More to the point whilst there are Muslims in Glasgow with some very dodgy ideas about this world and the next, they are in my experience a minority.

A minority that I have to say don't erode my way of life at all. Other than in airports, which in fairness were disgusting to begin with. Horrid places. Stand up, sit down, wait to be called get in line, stupid questions and festooned all over with little swastikas barking at you not to smoke, mind the hot tap, stand to the left, stand to the right and declare your nuclear bombs all the while minding the slippy floor. As far as I can tell all the mentalist wing of Islam has added to that horror is causing a flap about shoes and liquids at customs.

Anyway as I say the EDL 'feel' that their English way of life is being eroded. Not by their complete lack of interest in anything approaching English culture, unless looking like Phil Mitchell with foetal alcohol syndrome counts as uniquely English, but by the Muslims. This is a puzzle to me. I asked my brother who has been living in England for the last decade or so what it was the Muslims were preventing the English from doing and he was similarly baffled. Perhaps the Muslim influence hasn't reached London yet.

Still the question remains how does one deal with a visit from a group so odious even the leadership of the repellent BNP want nothing to do with them, not that it deters the lower ranking scum from dual membership. The previous tactic seems to have been to bellow at them and meet violence with violence. It is both tempting and understandable to feel violent when faced with sub normal baldy aggro merchants which is why I shall be unsurprised but very disappointed if so much as eyebrow is raised at them.

Instead I'm proposing a mass peaceful 'British In' to disrupt the fuckers. Essentially it's a mass fancy dress with a bit of optional role playing. To take part all one has to do is dress up as any character from British/Scottish history or literature and refuse to move out the way of their stomp or respond to anything they do. Ideally it would be women only but one hates to deter the chaps from protesting against wankers so I'm willing to allow the chaps on board.

The reason I'd prefer a women only protest is simply because of how awful they'll look threatening and beating up a load of women. Still needs must so let's imagine how absurd an English Defence League would look kicking St George's head in or their bastard offspring The Scottish Defence League would seem kicking fuck out of William Wallace. Whoever one dresses up as doesn't have to be one's personal hero or heroine just someone the morons cannot wallop without looking like utter fools and of course the thugs they are. Come on imagine an Asian Muslim Winston Churchill making their heads explode. It'd be the all time hoot. I'm either going as the Queen, Britannia or Robert Burns -it depends on my thighs at the time. Burns wore awfully tight breeches. The naughty fox.

I don't normally go around organising things like this but I'm not having good weegie Muslims monstered in this fashion or this whole debacle descend into a fight. That said we can't just ignore it as they'll only get bigger and worse until it's too late to be anything other than violent.
If we can keep this entirely peaceful on our side we'll win. The moral high ground is ours for the taking. It might just be my cynical mind but an organisation made up of football hooligans wants a fight. I see no reason for divisive violence merchants to be handed what they want.

That's my party piece. Anyone who wants to join me on a counter demonstration can email me for further details.

Cheerio

All I Wanted Was A Flippant Post ......

2009-09-13T22:57:00.005+01:00

Hello,
Normally I write things and people agree which is dull as fucking ditchwater. So I'm pleased to announce that I've miffed someone but instead of bombarding me with mad emails they've left a comment. My intention was to reply in the box but my answer got too big. That doesn't mean it's clever but I've done my best(ish) and that's all the Lord can ask of any of us.

This 'racist Israel' and 'Apartheid state' stuff rips my knitting. Being a minority in any country sucks. Laws, institutions and the mainstream culture is usually geared towards the majority or rather those in power because I've yet to see a nation set up to benefit women despite our numerical advantage. Arabs within Israel have equal voting rights, Arabic is an official language,they have political representation. As far as I can tell the sole legal distinction between Arabs and the Jewish majority is that Arabs are exempt from national service.

That doesn't mean that Israeli Arabs don't face appalling discrimination. Just like our anti racism laws don't alter the fact I'm currently assisting a young Pakistani girl get rehoused because her of her neighbours charming habits like stabbing her, setting fire to her front door, putting excrement through the letterbox and festooning the landing with swastikas. Nor do they the alter the fact that the police cannot get their heads out their arses for long enough to go wild and arrest someone or give a fuck. Does that make Scotland racist or an apartheid state?

Enshrining equality in law doesn't sound like racism or apartheid to me. Id be entirely unsurprised to learn that Israel failed to live up tothe standards it sets in law, after all segregation ended in the USA some time ago but you'll still find the various ethnicity's living separate lives. Nothing can make racism acceptable so if there is a legal fundone can donate to which assists Arabs hold the Israeli authorities to accountfor an instance of discrimination then put me down for a regular donation.

As for Israel not wanting a settlement. Their rejection of the Arab plan hardly proves that. Unless of course you are arguing that the Palestinianrejection of the 2000 Camp David plan proves that the Palestinians do not want a settlement which I don't think you are. In addition to Israel recognising borders I'd like to see the Arab nations do so, not only to ameliorate the suffering in cramped Palestine but to pressure the Israelis into reciprocation. Not being a resident I don't have a horse in this race and would support any map that didn't cut through my flat and had the support of the majority on both sides.

I have no doubt the Israeli government commits war crimes. Britain certainly did in Northern Ireland and more recently Iraq. Are we to boycott every nation that commits war crimes? If so dig tunnels and store grain because you're in for lean times. I can also recommend a subscription to 'Grow Your Own' magazine. In addition to Israel recognising borders I'd like to see the Arab nations do so, not only to ameliorate the suffering in cramped Palestine but to pressure the Israelis.

I think the boycott of Israel is very different indeed to the boycott of South Africa.Let me declare upfront that I'm very uncomfortable about completely boycotting nations,selective boycotts I'm a little more open to. I did boycott South African goods during apartheid. At that time as a staunch ANC supporter I would have accepted anything the ANC said. Maybe no bad thing but I was also a staunch and uncritical supporter of the Provisional IRA at the time, so you can assess my judgement accordingly.

What I will say is that I remember the 'Boycott South Africa' folk outside my local supermarket. They used to hand you a leaflet listing products they wanted you to boycott rather than request you boycott an entire chain for selling products from a country that all it's competitors were selling. Why should I boycott Tesco but not Sainsburys? Both sell Israeli products. What's the difference. I did ask the fellow I know in the campaign the very same question and sincerely hope the answer he gave does reflect the prejudices of the entire movement he's part of.

However let's compare the two boycotts. In boycotting South Africa, whilst harming the meagre economic interests of black workers we were doing far more harm to minority white rule. In boycotting South Africa we were upholding democratic principles in that we backed the majority. In boycotting Israel we undemocratically boycott the majority of that nation which I believe would have the effect of uniting the Israelis behind their government. I only think how I felt at the prospect of an American boycott at the release of Megrahi. Even if I'd opposed it I'd have resented the outside interference and got behind my government. Back to Israel, 'Kauft nicht bei Juden!' just might have a wee bit of resonance in that neck of the woods. Is that more likely to bring Israel to the negotiating table or have them use it as a barricade?

In any case America has deep pockets and could probably afford to slip the middle east's only friendly democracy a quid or two on top of the usual. Now if a boycott of the illegal settlements was proposed I'd be all for it. But that isnt what is being proposed is it?

The idea that I was being anything other than silly and flippant in my mild irritation at not getting an Irn Bru is quite offensive. In particular when it's used to imply I feel that my passing fancies are more important than the lives of people or children. Palestinian, Jewish or whatever. I'm sorry but I find comparisons between Israel and Nazi Germany downright offensive. There's a whole lot injustice to go before you get to holocaust. When the Israelis propose the 'final solution' and start loading folk onto trains I'll start screaming holocaust but until then I'll just see a nation with a heavy handed defence policy that does itself no favours.

Quite apart from anything else I'd like to see evidence that Israel is the nation with the worst human rights record at present. For some reason no one can show me that. I seem to remember opposing the Iraq war and being (rightly) told that we can't invade every nation with a dodgy human rights record. A quick strut though any supermarket will show you how hard it is to boycott nations and eat an adequate diet. So why is Israel top of the list? Is it the world's No1 human rights abuser? If not why are we not boycotting the other chart toppers?

Cheerio

All I Wanted Was An Irn Bru

2009-09-11T22:51:00.005+01:00

Hello,
I was skipping along Stockwell Street earlier today full of the joys of late summer/early autumn when I had a sudden craving for some Irn Bru. Realising I needed a few other messages I nipped over to the nearest shop; my local Tesco. Only to be thwarted. All I wanted was my messages.

This is the second time this has happened. The bloody 'Boycott Israel' folk were out protesting. Normally I'd just swan by such a minor inconvenience but I know one of them and could not be arsed having to explain myself over the whole Israel/Palestine business. He's always been pleasant to me but he was very unpleasant to a Muslim friend of mine who is rather more sympathetic to Israel than he felt she should be given her background.

I have had never had a conversation with anyone pro-Palestinian over the big ding dong without being subjected to amazing facts like Israel was founded after the second world war and then a forty minute whine about how they got the location all wrong. What is it they want me to do? Perfect the art of time travel and put it somewhere else? No. Boycott Tesco apparently. Jesus wept.

It's not that I don't feel sorry for the Palestinians. I do. Poor sods stuck behind that wall and 80% of your supporters worldwide being a shower of hectoring cunts . It can't be easy. How the Palestinians hearts must sink to the ground when they hear about all the support that's out there for them and realise it comes from the world's most po faced and argumentative dullards with wallpapering tables. Palestine -the unlucky Alf of oppressed nations.

Anyway back to me I avoided Tesco and nipped into Marks and Spencer instead. It was only when I got home I realised the coriander I'd purchased on a whim was Israeli. Had the Boycott Israel types let me into the wee Tesco I'd never have laid eyes on anything as exotic as fresh herbs. Instead I'd have got my Scottish Irn Bru, a British paper, a bottle of Chilean wine and skipped off up the road with not a penny going to Israel.

Not I hasten to add that I have the smallest intention of boycotting Israel. If I thought it would bring about a solution to the dispute I'd be manning the wallpaper table and roaring for a boycott. Sorry call me an evil zionist but I can't see the merit in economically ruining a country surrounded by nations that want to wipe it off the map for having a heavy handed and counterproductive defence policy.

I don't remember anyone calling for a mass boycott of British goods during the troubles in protest at our often disgraceful behaviour on that contested bit of land. Nor do I see any calls to boycott The Czech Republic for it's treatment of the Roma people or Saudi Arabia for their treatment of women and Shia Muslims or Sudan for their treatment of women or Afghanistan for their treatment of women or Turkey for it's corrupt police force and treatment of the Kurds or Japan for executing mentally ill criminals or Tunisia for torture or Uzbekistan for human rights abuses or Zimbabwe for everything or....well I could go on but I won't so feel free to add your own.

Cheerio

He's Back

2009-09-07T21:52:00.002+01:00

Hello,
Mike Read is back at The Guardian! What do you mean who? The legendary broadcaster, author and producer of a truly remarkable musical of the life of Oscar Wilde and perhaps most noble of all the man who put London first by stepping aside to make way for Boris.

I am sure I speak for all Mike's fans or crews as we prefer to be known when I say welcome back Mike!

Cheerio

All Hail Lubna 'whip me if you dare' Hussein

2009-09-04T21:52:00.004+01:00

Hello,

I'm not one of these proud to be a woman types. Not because there's anything wrong with being female but it's not something I had an awful lot to do with. To be proud of it would be like being proud of having big feet, it's just how I was born. I'm happy enough with that, although key moments of my life have been ruined for lack of a penis. Ideally I'd like to be able to switch genders at will but nature is not known for her generosity on the gender front. That said every so often a woman does something so heroic, courageous and downright brilliant that one does get the urge to strut around saying 'that's one of my lot' and basking in a bit of reflected glory. What can I say I'm a awful glory seeker.

I am referring to the brave and defiant Ms Lubna Hussein who has been sentenced to forty lashes by the savages that run Sudan for wearing trousers. What makes this woman so remarkable and sets her apart from most of the rest of us is that as an employee of the UN she was offered immunity by the Sundanese authorities. Instead of grabbing this opportunity with both hands she resigned from the UN in order to take the punishment and use her case to highlight the despicable behaviour of these sexually inadequate brutes.

Funnily enough these upstanding moral guardians are notoriously dishonest and regularly demand sexual favours from the women they arrest. You might feel a sliver of pity for these repellent chaps for being unable to get laid without using force but I'm inclined to repress that and send that portion of the pity ration to someone more deserving like Donald Trump. At least the thieving, lying, raping morality police get to feel good about themselves. In contrast Trump must sob himself to sleep thinking about that hair.

Whilst I would indulge in a cheeky lady chuckle if the world's women formed an army, invaded Sudan and strung every last member of their government up, the prospect is quite unlikely. Instead I have sent a letter, well more a miracle of restraint of to the Sudanese Embassy asking if they wouldn't mind giving the lashes a miss. Obviously what I wanted to write was 'would you wretched pigs do the world a favour and kill yourselves' but it's not terribly persuasive is it? The small penis jibes and wicked curses also hit the cutting room floor as did the threats to set fire to the ambassadors testicles and steal his Ferrero Rocher. Still it's hard to appeal to the better side of people who are so uniformly fucking awful, so it was a very short letter.

If anyone else is as eye poppingly angry about this as I am please write a polite letter to the Sudanese Embassy at 3 Cleveland Row, London, SW1A 1DD. For the sort of people who turn up on Reporting Scotland vox pops if you could put about one hundredth of the energy into supporting Ms Hussein as you do into worrying just how vast your arse looks in trousers and get an adult to help you with a letter to the Sudanese Embassy you might be able to point to at least one useful thing you've done in your pointless bovine life. There is also a petition to sign here.

Cheerio

The Wit and Wisdom of Blanche

2009-09-02T21:32:00.000+01:00

The Axis of Evil

2009-08-25T22:50:00.005+01:00

Hello,
I must admit when I voted for devolution all those years ago I didn't imagine for a moment we'd go and use our powers to join the axis of evil. I am of course referring to the release of Mr Megrahi which seems to have sent a small but noisy portion of the internet mad.

The Guardian comments have been particularly splendid if you enjoy net based lunacy as much as I do. What everyone seems to have overlooked is that if the UK and US governments really wanted Megrahi to remain in prison, he'd still be there. Bazza and Clinton are just sounding off to appease the 45 American's who've noticed the story and Brown agrees with the decision but can't admit it because the SNP made it and any case it won't have done trade relations with our new chum Libya any harm. Sorry you can trumpet separate legal system all you like but if anything major had been riding on this decision Scotland would have got nowhere near it.

That's why no real pressure was put on the SNP to make a decision one way or another. Oh come on Hilary Clinton doing her burst paypacket face at us doesn't count -even her husband doesn't take any notice of her unless of course she's been telling him to shag everything in his path and get caught all these years.

As for the boycott I find it hard to convey just how much amusement that's caused me. For a start it's led by a member of The Church of Satan and appears to have inspired boycotts of Guinness and Jameson's whiskey by as many as ten internet trolls. They'll be burning U2 albums next.

Still who'd have thought our decimated manufacturing base would one day prove to such an asset. Christ almighty is there anything left to boycott? I'm not sure how I feel about us having angered the Church of Satan. I suppose I'm just relieved it wasn't some really mental pretendy religion like Scientology. The last thing my nerves need Tom Cruise in a strop plotting in his closet. The mad practicing thetan!

I'm a bit suspicious at the appeal being dropped and look forward to the promised release of all the documents relating to the decision to release Megrahi. All in all I think it was the right decision and I hope it was made for the right reasons, though with so much left to come out I won't be having a flutter on that any time soon. That said I'm a bit baffled by the argument that MacAskill took the decision to show Scotland's independence by annoying Westminster whilst doing what Westminster wanted in order to secure some oil deal. Surely it's one or the other. If it is 'willy waving' as some have alleged I cannot help but think he'd have been better getting his cock out and giving it a wave. There would have been less of an uproar.

One also wonders if the opposition are being so blatantly crap on purpose. Has Salmond bribed them or are they really that hopeless? Hardly a peep out them while the decision was under consideration, then all of a sudden they're outraged. Am I being cynical? Is anyone buying this? If I were in charge of the SNP I'd just pinch policies from the opposition forcing them to adopt the original SNP position and by the time any of them realised they'd been hoodwinked the legislation would be passed.

I think by far the best bit of the opposition 'savaging' was Iain Gray informing us that he would have made a different decision if he were Justice minister. Thanks for that Iain. As if anyone would believe that was actually in charge of anything. They probably ID him every time he turns up at Holyrood. He's the sort of man automatic doors fail to open for. It beggars belief that he's in charge of the Scottish Labour Party surely they can't be so stuck for a leader they've dispensed with the idea altogether and opted to follow a hole in the air. So unremarkable is he I'm convinced he doesn't exist, I reckon it's just one of the bank benchers throwing their voice. From Westminster.

Anyway I must dash I've got to build my defences against all those terminally ill suicide bombers who'll be flocking to Scotland because they'll get posthumous compassionate release and 72 virgins. And to think folk say we're mean!

Cheerio

The North Kelvin Meadow

2009-08-16T21:04:00.005+01:00

Hello,
The good folk of The North Kelvin Meadow need your help. For the last year or so they've been transforming local wasteground from an overgrown haven for junkies, neds and flytippers into a brilliant and much needed community garden.

Unfortunately for this truly remarkable band of volunteers, the council had ear marked the land for private flats. Personally I don't quite understand this desire the council has to build yuppie flats everywhere but then I'm the sort of thicko that thinks people and communities are more important than private profit which no doubt my dribbling band of occaisonal emailers will inform me is typical of my stalinist p.c outlook. Though quite why I'd want to replace a system which subordinates the majority to the whims of private profit for one that subordinates them to ideology and one party state corruption has never been explained in these charming messages.

Anyway to return to the point, the good folk of the Kelvin meadow are due to appear in court on 21/08/09 and need folk to fill the public gallery to overflowing. The case reference is A2833/09 and the address for the Sheriff Court is: 1 Carlton Place, Glasgow G2 1DU. In other words it's the court in the Gorbals. I shall do my best to pop in on my lunchbreak as I'll be in that neck of the woods. I hope to see a few familiar faces.

I honestly can't see the need for any more flats in the West End, maybe some family housing but frankly the amount of horrible neglected, brownfield land in the East End is the obvious place to build. I must admit I'm very disappointed that the council are taking this heavy handed attitude to the gardeners on the meadow, given how helpful recent contact with them suggests they are to our activities.

Whilst I do not accept these flats must be built at the very least the council should be engaging with NKM in a positive way. If that land really cannot be used to benefit the whole community, then surely they could find them an alternative garden to tend. Court action, calling them tresspassers and treating them like criminals is not a proprtionate response by any stretch.

In my working day I breeze through the poorest bits of Glasgow. Contrary to popular belief the majority of residents are decent folk but very often are left living in fear because of the anti-social conduct of their neighbours. Yet for some reason nothing can be done about fly tipping, vandalism, assaults, breaches of the peace and the like.

We as a city need more people like NKM not less and it is a real shame the council are taking such a hard line with them. As far as I can tell they seem like good community spirited people, if the council in this case really feel flats are the best use of this space, better than a garden that helps build a strong community then shouldn't we have the debate rather than strong arm tactics? Shouldn't the council be trying to channel their energies where they can be better used rather than treating them like common criminals. Do the council not see that heavy handed actions like this stifle local initiative when that's the very bloody thing we need in this city?

I have always had a lot of time for council staff. Oh I know the council do their very best to conceal them but there are some marvels in there. This leads me to wonder if this is just being driven by a local councillor who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing in cahoots with a few of the less imaginative council officers. This Labour notion that everything that doesn't turn a profit is evil needs to stop. Maybe if the council let well orgainised communities get on with what they are doing we'd be able to do more to help out the genuinely helpless in our city.

Cheers

Wooly bully

2009-08-14T22:03:00.002+01:00

Record of the week. As I wasn't invented until 1975 it's hardly my fault I missed it on it's first outing.

Filament

2009-08-13T21:54:00.006+01:00

Hello,
I see that the path previously trodden by 'Playgirl' and 'For Women' is being trod once again by 'Filament' . As ever erections are proving a problem being considered obscene in 'erotica' aimed at women rather than porn aimed at men which as far as I can tell appears to be full of whoppers.

The folk at 'Filament' are of course protesting this state of affairs. The deal is that if enough folk buy issue one, issue two will feature a proud an erect boaby rather than a boring flaccid fellow. As marketing strategies go it's not bad but it's hard to care one way or the other.

For a start it's an 'erotic' magazine. I hate erotica, it's the visual equivalent of those drips that used to hang round the school bully in the hope some of his menace would rub off. Why in God's name would any sentient being want to look at a Timotei advert with stiffies? It's dull. Worse still it appears to have been based around the findings of focus groups. Sweet Lord -consensus erotica! At least consensus porn might have a whiff of the gang bang about it but erotica is just a man thinking about having a wank photographed through a doily.

All any consensus is going to add to the erotica is a few articles for the sort monsterous muppet that says 'us girls' as if we'd elected her as minister for wacky fun or worse responsible articles about womens health accompanied by a ten question quiz entitled 'What cancer will YOU die of tit, womb or ovary?'. Maybe both -surely that will herald the apocalpyse and end this comfortable misery.

There are times that being a women is like supporting one of those football teams that hover around the top of their division/league/bore or whatever the sponsors call them nowadays. One receives sufficient signs of imminent triumph to prevent a self inflicted fatal adventure with a gun but defeat is snatched from the jaws of glory at every opportunity.

The launch of a new erotic magazine for ladies always brings despair. It doesn't have to be this way. In essence sextainment or ladies should be funny in which case a magazine that looks like a selection of stag night photos with a earnest male stripper or two here and there will suffice.

Or ideally it should be perfectly obscene. Photograph vast orgies, winking goats, show man on man on woman on woman, a mixture, cross dressing, fetish, burelesque, strippers, danger wanks, paupers, princes, slaves, peepshows, hoors, lunatics, boxers, the kitchen sink, chicks with dicks, fat folk, thin folk, inbetweeners, tops, bottoms, all races, all ages, sillicone stuffed freaks, allsorts I haven't thought of -the works. Imagine a collaboration on an update of Hogarths' Beer Street and Gin Lane by Beardsley and Crumb and you'd be off to a good start.

The only thing that should be banned is any visible sign of birth control. Fuck responsibility -create a fantasy land where we all fuck like animals caring not a jot for the consequences because there are none. A touch of jaded 18th century aristocrat here and there is as close to reality as it need get. Aim for a full body and mind orgasm. The 'stories' should be well written, witty, imaginative filth, the articles devoted entirely to self indulgence, laziness and all the fun of the fair.

That is how a decent porno should be done. Now if anyone with clout wants to bankroll it I'll rule it. Failing that send me your pictures articles, stories, letters and trifles and I'll whack it all up on a special blog. I'm serious, lets all have a big daft art blog on the theme of sex.

Cheerio

Cheerio

It Was A One In A Million Chance!

2009-08-10T23:24:00.005+01:00

Hello,
I see that some fellow is in a spot of bother after his cat downloaded some child porn. That really is the modern equivalent of doing the housework nude and accidentially getting your penis stuck in the hoover.

I can't help but notice that men seem to be disproportionately affected by these somewhat unfortunate one in a million chance accidents, incidents and misunderstandings. Has any research been undertaken as to why men should be so afflicted?

I am led to believe that members of the chap community are somewhat narked with Harriet Harman at the moment. Perhaps by way of an olive branch Miss Harman in her role as equalities minister could commission some research into this to make the chaps feel cared for again. Or better still a full public inquiry to let the victims of misandrist cat pranks, potatoes, siren bikes , tables , sheep , goats , horses, shoe horns, household appliances, wetsuits, electrodes, tractors, lamp posts and cars have their voices heard in a safe and non-judgemental environment.

Now I know these things cost money and the economy, taxes, hard working familes , blah etc but I cannot help but think the time is right for the UK to lead the world in getting to the bottom of these strange incidents.

Revival-The Postcard Manifestos

2009-08-08T00:43:00.003+01:00

Hello,
Some of my very long term readers may remember my blog -The Postcard Manifestos which fell by the wayside back in 2006 when I had my 'episode'. In truth I've been off sick mentally if not physically for the last three years. More recently I've been battling withdrawl symptoms having decided to sack the anti-depressants before I ballooned any further in size. It was a one way street for me with the only shop being Evans. Not even the introduction of the Ditto range can take the edge of that misery- though ladies and the more colouful gents amongst us should know it's the best purveyour of fine junk jewellery on the high street, you should also know that they practice vanity sizing to a remarkable degree. I nearly drowned trying on an outfit in my now usual size. Honestly I thought I would end my days half in and half out that vast frock, gasping and ffinally dying a bloated exhausted wreck.

This is the first week I've felt like myself again. It's hard to explain but I don't feel like I'm watching myself on the worlds most boring telly anymore, nor do I feel the need to scoff cheese every 30 seconds. I had always wondered how big I'd get if I ate all the cheese I wanted. Now I know the answer is the national average for ladies I am filled with admiration for the women of Britain. Carrying such a monsterous weight around just about killed my back and my left ankle. I really don't know how the average woman copes -though I suspect I may have munched my way to the reason they're always at the doctors.

However I am now back at the large end of my normal weight just another dress size to go and normal appeance will be resumed. Thanks to everyone who's not shown their obvious embarrassment at being seen with family size Clairwil in public. I'm not one of these weight obsessed birds, which is just as well but really there are limits and it would be nice if mummy could look at me once in a while without evident disgust. I suspect all this is karmic retribution or inwardly sneering at a chum who went from a size 8 to a size 16 during an 'episode'.

Anyway now I've made my excuses let's get to the point. The Postcard Manifestos are back in business so let's have you're postcards telling us all why you'd like to rule the world. And while we're at it can at least one of my readers donate to the bulb fund as The Ill Man is beating me in the readers generosity stakes and it's a bit of beamer being the tightwad's blog of choice. I've already put £90 of my own cash in and will match all donations pound for pound up to a maximum of £200. Come on think of the bees.

Cheers

You Should All Be Murdered

2009-08-08T00:34:00.000+01:00

Sex, Offices and the Price-Andres

2009-08-07T21:33:00.004+01:00

Hello,
As anyone who has ever had to step into an office knows, the main challenge is to keep boredom at bay. Actually for me it's living in fear of my 'system' being wrecked by the enforcement of a 'clean desk policy' but for most staying awake long enough to get the days work done is the problem. I do recall working in an office where the larger and more excitable ladies would bounce around singing 'Stayin Awake' to the tune of 'Stayin Alive' but that was all along time ago and my friends in the NHS have been able to repair the worst of the damage.

I think this accounts for a great deal of office humour. Unfortunately this does occasionally manifest itself in grown men wearing Homer Simpson ties and being zany which I know makes some folk angry but causes me no end of amusement albeit tinged with a sneer that I'm not sure the wearers of these garments would be altogether happy with.

This week, good old sex has been the topic for chuckles and specifically the question who is your 'would but shouldn't'. A sort of a rehash of Viz's 'occasional 'Borderline Boilers' feature. For those unfamiliar with this little bit of Viz genius, I think the line 'your eyes say no but your balls say go' covers it. The question threw up some surprising answers Gerald Depardieu, Boris Johnson and Richard Madeley are assured of a quick bunk up should they choose to visit Glasgow. I'm afraid I couldn't think of an answer and was sadly beaten to the punch by a young lady who caused minor, good humoured uproar by saying 'anyone'.

It's a puzzling question, as if I or anyone who thought about it for more than two seconds is going to knock back the offer of a quick go on someone they fancy because they think everyone will laugh at them. Good God it's not as if they're being asked to do it in public. Come to think of it it's not as if the celebrity community are wandering around looking to proposition bored office workers.

It would be a hoot if they did. I rather fancy it would make an excellent TV programme 'Celebrity Sex Surprise' cue Jeremy Beadle style voiceover 'what Mary doesn't know is that when she get's home instead of her husband being there to greet her, a nude Bill Oddie will be standing in the hall with a very indecent celebrity proposal'. Obviously while this is going on Mary and her family will be in the studio audience and the camera will cut to their chuckles as the footage is shown of mummy performing an impromptu pole dance for Oddie who will turn to the camera and announce with a leer and a double thumbs up 'this is what I call birdwatching -a couple of great tits there'.

I suspect Jordan would probably up for it I can just see her droning in that flat and oddly joyless voice 'I am going to give you the ride of your life' all the while wearing a facial expression more suited to a performance of 'Is That All There Is?' than sexual ecstacy. Still you can't blame the lassie can you? Personally if I had her target market of leering sexual inadequates I'd struggle to restrain myself from poking their eyes out. Let's face it she's only faking the boredom to mask the burning contempt. I'm actually rather partial to our Miss Price and have been enjoying her torture of the hapless Mr Andre no end, there's something about his 'I'm such a nice guy' act that leads to suspect he really is and it's not a pose. How I long to shout 'grow a pair of balls doormat' at him. Why is he such a weed? What's wrong with him? I'll bet you a tenner he writes his name all in lowercase -freak. I realise he's not what you might call a thinker but surely even he can see the way he is invites contempt rather than respect. I am rather pleased they did away with national service all things considered but it's hard to look at Mr Andre and not mourn it's loss.

Cheerio