2 Most 2 Trusted : The Colbert Report Blog

2007-01-30T17:31:00.001-08:00

I just switched over to the new blogger format and I think the feed rebooted itself -- so if you just got slammed by that, I sincerely apologize.

Bald eagles up your ass?

2006-09-12T20:35:00.000-07:00

Pardon the extra long vacation, I kind of passed out yesteray before the show. Whoops. That ridiculously amazing green screen video totally makes up for it, however. Fine piece of work, there.

Do you work for Stephen Colbert? Do you get headaches? He doesn't care. The Word tonight: a phrase! Missed opportunities. Missed opportunities like fun and exciting drinking games. For the record, at some point, at some time, someone might want to kill you, or someone you possibly know. Whoops! Stephen propses a pre-election Monsters of Terror petting zoo, complete with commie pinko Dixie Chicks playing music.

Stephen loves the beach! He's got sand in his pants right now. Hot stuff. Tonight Stephen is discussing New Jersey's third district, where my family doesn't live. They have Republicans in New Jersey? Maybe my family does live there. Saxton, or Sexton, or whichever one is not currently in office, doesn't want to have a beer at this hour. Stephen does! They practice concession speeches, and Saxton/Sexton/Mr. Cadmium McGoldenpants discovers he needs to learn to project a little bit.

Tonight's guest: Toby Keith. What the shit? If Stephen Colbert wants country stations he can come down here. But keep in mind we don't have any good country stations down here, either. Toby Keith sings country and western about fucking those goddamn terrorists right up. He's also a sheep, apparently. Kudos to you, Toby Keith! I find it amusing, but probably for entirely different reasons. He's in movies? What? The conversations moves to Burt Reynolds, as it should. And, all in all, that's about it.

So that's all you need to know!

It's crumbelievable, bitch!

2006-08-24T20:32:00.000-07:00

What a touching tribute! That he shares with everyone else. We'll definitely miss him here at 2Most 2Trusted, even if this is a completely different show. More green screen shows! If only I could do computer graphics!

What, taking time off? That's actually a ridiculously good plan! I actually have ways to keep blogging! Hell yeah! Stephen has a problem with peaches, and Georgia, which is not the peach state. I live near the peach county, bitches. Clanton, Alabama! We've got a peach shape too! Just come here, Stephen. No, seriously. I'm feeling very personally insulted right now for no rational reason.

Aw, the President is so charming. Just like Clinton, except more laughs. Whoops! Plus Stephen thinks you should read some burning liberal claptrap (or rather, The Autobiography of Kola Boof). Amusingly enough, I felt the same way about Stephen! Except he's shorter! And paler! But has nice hands!

Tonight's Word: Bad boys! Ask Geraldo's five wives. Be a bastard, and girls will totally want to get all up on you. Alternately, be married! But if anyone starts talking about killing someone else's husband, keep in mind they're just not that fanatical about you.

Last week Stephen talked to Morgan Spurlock. Stephen's not a big fan of "learning," but the next episode has a normal carefree guy trading places with a Stephen Colbert audience member! Wicked awesome! I know that I'd be awesome at the blind sheep part! I hope this guy developed a healthy appreciation for Stephen Colbert, because I would want to do that. Oh would I want to do that. And it seems that Carl did! Aw! Today is day thirty, and apparently he got entirely too enthusiastic. That's crazy!

Tonight's guest, theoretical physicist Dr. Janna Levin, author of A Madman Dreams of Turning Machines. I enjoy theoretical physics, as long as it's in the form of that hardcore movie "What the F#!K Do We Know." There's a lot of talk about math, and the complete incomprehensibility of it all. Dr. Levin wants to reduce the universe to a mathematical sentance. I'm going to remind you that mathematical sentences are all the Devil's sentences too. Stephen nails the theoretical physicist, and the sum total of the interview is that everyone wants to know and nobody has any idea what's going on. Perhaps the universe is a rabbit. We discover the world is full of Turing machines, like Stephen Colbert! It's like the Matrix, in a way.

I'm off to go recruit someone to be my Soledad O'Brien. And that's all you need to know!

He's the melting pot of our Crumbelievables!

2006-08-24T17:33:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the delay here, it was a very busy evening. Mostly with my work, and then sleeping. I really enjoy the sleeping.

Tonight we open on Stephen reading over his scrapbook of Cherished Childhood Memories. Isn't it adorable? I could probably remember more ad campaigns then childhood moments. Aw, HeadOn! Internet meme of the future. Perhaps like Cheese Crumbles. I shred my own cheese, dammit.

We discuss our own disintigrating Pop Culture in American Pop Culture: It's Crumbelievable! I don't know any of the dwarves, but I do know the Bradys! I'm working now to make Stephen Colbert an Internet Pop Culture Icon. And also, myself. And it's someone from OK Go, who I've only heard of in passing! Clearly I'm not hep to you kids' jive, as it were. Damian Kulash, aw. He is very adorable and charming though. And subversive. Who doesn't love wicked great backyard-filmed videos?

I don't ... have anyone to watch television with me at ten-thirty at night. I want a Lt. Barkers though. Who doesn't love a puppy? (No, seriously, he probably is having sex with Kim Delaney. Who isn't, on Lifetime?) Aww, poor lonely Billy. Maybe he shoul learn to take down zebras so he can save Sally from Lt. Barkers.

Tonight's guest is someone else I don't recognize at all, but anyone named Gideon Yago is pretty ace, and he probably feels the same way as most of the audience members. Stephen blames Gideon and his MTV thing for terrible pop culture. He Blamed America First, and used the phrase, what, "plug ourselves into the audience"? Please to be not channeling the old white guys, Gideon! You had so much going for you before then! The emo glasses! Serious journalism!

When the hell did MTV get all serious? How do they squeeze this stuff in between shows about high schools located forty-five minutes away from me? This is a ridiculously serious discussion about the state of journalism, and I use ridiculous as a modifier for the amount of serious, and not for the level of absurdity, as it's not especially absurd.

For the record, I believe Taylor Hicks is awesome. And, for more records, your new favorite film is Invincibles, your book is I Feel Bad About My Neck, and your new favorite song is the Stephen version of Jessica Simpson's A Public Affair.

And that's all you need to know!

We'll be right back! in 24 hours.

2006-08-22T22:35:00.000-07:00

Stephen's day was okay, there was a lot of pondering of the futility of life since he didn't win a mathematics award. Damn those people giving stupid awards to Russian's and their ... proving rabbits are spheres. That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Stephen proves it is in fact possible to turn a doughnut into a sphere, and also breaks out the Dunkin' Donuts munchkins.

Apparently there's no peace in Lebanon! Stephen's just excited to break out the graphics again. Also what the hell, Jay-Z and the water crisis? Tonight's Word: 99 Problems. Is it going to explain how this works? No. Jay-Z is only in it for the bling, but maybe he'll encourage kids to start their own faux U.N. He's apparently in league with Bono and various other rock star slash philanthropists. We learn Stephen hasn't heard rap since 1992, and we are called on to make music artists acts like total dicks again. Go forth and provoke, Nation!

Stephen is seriously ahead in the polls for the Hungary bridge contest. Now you know, I almost feel sorry for them, but seriously kids, it's the internet. Who the hell doesn't expect something like this to happen? I have to say, though, it's better Stephen than Chuck Norris. However, he's called off the dogs. Stephen salutes Hungary, if only because they may name a bridge after him. Stephen prefers swine to sheep, and also enjoys the fact that it was settled by a King St. Stephen. Maybe they'll come to enjoy him too?

Tonight is part four of the five part "Better Nail A New York Times Columnist" series, and guest five is Paul Krugman. He is clearly very bewildered with Stephen's enthusiasm for greeting the audience. Politics is like a massive, FUBAR'd game of Seven Ways to Kevin Bacon. Dick Cheney is apparently a liar (what?) and we relive the arguments of yesteryear, war v. having Saddam in power. The linguist in me weeps for the lack of subtleties.

And that's all you need to know!

Except, I actually have a few notes which I'm sure most of you don't really care about. In the coming weeks, once all the Emmy hubbub has died down (this Sunday! Watch! Cheer! Be conflicted!) I'll have a few projects for the blog under my plate. Now I've tried to make it clear that I consider my work as a budding member of the blogosphere very important! I consider myself an intrepid servent of the people, working for your benefit for no pay at the expensive of my social life! Now there are some sites, which shall remain nameless, that are corporate shills stealing dignity from the little man, namely myself, and this is a matter I intend to rectify in the future. Also in the works, the start of my campaign to become Stephen Colbert's blogger friend!!

But don't think this will take away from the recaps, because believe me it won't! It will still be one girl's quest to be the best nerd she can be as she provides condensed written documentation of a half hour of television, just with further documentation.

And that is all you need to know.

Meeeeeeg! Someone get me another water!

2006-08-22T11:03:00.000-07:00

Tonight! Superpowers in exchange for questionable lab practices! A guest talking about something I actually know about, and studied extensively in college in classes you don't give a damn about! Neck! Stephen is on a search for the best depiction of his hardcore awesome lightsaber battle. So submit yours now to the Colbert Nation website.

Since atheists are clearly the bravest of the lot, Stephen us gunning for a higher rate of atheist enlistment, and apparently I'm getting shipped out to Afghanistan pretty soon. I'm sorry!

... wow, that was a pretty sweet lightsaber video. Plus, Stephen Colbert dooms interns to a potentially painful death by poison, just as the government wants to do to prison inmates! Tonight's Word: Side Effects. The side effects may include the development of a moral code, insourcing. Stephen thinks Jesus would be okay with this, for the sake of the lepers. Think if it as a new form of behaviour correction. If you're poor, or old, maybe you should just commit a crime! It's free health care.

The Threatdown! Threats tonight include Jimmy Carter (and his son, supporter of hooker rationing), grass (no, just plain grass) with superpowers, orphans (diff'rent strokes!) and the danger of class differences, food (makes you fat and kills you when you multitask), and threat number one ... threats! Uh. As a plus, no snakes! The downside, people still hate the President. Whoops!

Tonight's guest, Dr. Geoffrey Numberg! Mm, linguists, and four cameras. I feel very lost and confused. Linguists study language. It's very fun and exciting. No, really, it is. We're going to abbreviate this title for the sake of my sanity: Talking Right. We're not all those things! For example, I own a PT Cruiser, and took out my earrings. I only had two. Statistically speaking, more Republicans enjoy cheese, and isn't it more important to accept our mutual love of cheese than to bicker over who's more likely to buy an Audi?

Wow, ways to diffuse an awkward silence! Did you know that in the nineties the higher ups of the Republican party used to distrubute memos of suggested vocabulary to use in stump speeches, debates, and every day political life? Now you do!

And now we get to go home, and take off our pants.

That's all you need to know!

Because you've got the this and then the thing down here.

2006-08-17T22:33:00.000-07:00

Tonight: is Pluto a planet? The answer: yes. It was in the paper this morning. I hope I didn't spoil the surprise for you! Apparently someone else has ruined the illusion of Killer, Bobby, and Ric Ocasek going to save Stephen, Jr. Sadly, they had to bring Killer back early for the World War III graphics. Hopefully Bobby and Ric are doing okay in his absence.

Yeah, that's right, I did know he interviewed Tyson, and Stephen nailed him on the disinclusion of Pluto in the universe. That's right, he did call it, right after I called it in the previous paragraph. ... okay, maybe in the Tyson recap too. So nice of him to have Dr. Tyson back though! He bows to the master, and notes that we now have twelve planets. (Are you round? I'm round. I'm a planet!) Wow, what the hell, Charon's a planet now? That's crazy. OH SNAP. And it just got burned. Sirius ... don't we have a star named Sirius? Is that allowed? (Aw, no fat jokes, please.) They're really letting everything into the club nowadays.

Better Know A District! BKAD!Hollywood, California's fighting 31st. Stephen introduces himself, and they discuss Colin Farrell, who isn't really that hot, and then there's bad porn modeling, and TomKat can shove it. It doesn't look like the Congressman is a term over three. Stephen is trying very hard not to laugh at his own gang signs, and there's a serious discussion of the translation of famous paintings to Spanish. Can't we just stay homogenous forever?

It's Neil Young! A Canadian American icon on an American icon. It's an overdose of iconage! You know what you really need on a plane? Snakes. Young speaks with so much passion and hate and doves on his jacket. But he's rallied the AARP behind him, and I would tell you that's dangerous. Stephen believes the President's legacy spans about a year; Young feels differently. Being in a war is a good time to decide whether or not you want to be at war; I think that before the war would've been a good idea to put more thought into it, but hindsight is twenty-twenty. Stephen Colbert gets the charming gift of Presidential flipflops, and we're treated to a musical number! In which we're encouraged to impeach the President. Hey, Stephen seems pretty thrilled, and that's a cause I can get behind.

That's it for tonight, kids! Go see some snakes, go see some planes, and don't forget to share the pillows. And that's all you need to know!

Congratulation on your feverish womb!

2006-08-16T22:33:00.000-07:00

Drew Barrymore has baby fever! Regular people don't get baby fever. Sometimes they just want to have kids. Baby fever is exciting for celebrities, babies with fevers, exciting with doctors.

Everyone knows Nedsama bin Lamont is still doing battle against Joe Lieberman, independant. The Republican candidate, whose name I don't actually know, is getting six percent, and has absolutely no back-up. You know why no one wants to support him? Because he was supporting Lieberman. Affectionately. Whoops! Okay, maybe it's also because he's a really bad gambler. Whoops!

President Bush's plan for post-Castro Cuba: Elian Gonzales! Day 2240.

La Palabra! With handy subtitles! Esteban suggests himself, with his amazing Spanglish skills, comparative youth and amazing mustache-growing skills, he's clearly the best candidate for the job. Plus, mambo! Also, marvel at his amazing ability to switch from a poor Spanish accent to a perfect standard American Midwestern! I for one am mostly in it for the ridiculously hot women. I mean, what? No.

Speaking of ridiculously hot, the total votes for the website has shot up to 400,000. Come on! Keep it up! We've overtaken Chuck Norris in the polls. You can find information from No Truth Zone there or at the Colbert Nation, currently down. (HAHA, bitches, that makes me the number one site right now! ... okay, technically I'm only number one on the right blog search, but still.)

Now the pressing issue of the day: World War II. Were the Germans really that bad? Since Germany gave us Scorpion and Olympic swimmers of questionable gender, along with the good James Bond, who tragically may have been a dentist if he wasn't a hardcore awesome spy.

Tonight's guest is Morgan Spurlock, who you may or may not have heard of, depending on how much you watch FX or despise McDonald's. Stephen, who prefers living his own life as opposed to the lives of others, thinks that getting to know people is outdated. We discover that prison isn't particularly happy, and discuss ways in which you can sneak things into prison. For the record, working for minimum wage is a bitch, especially when your state minimum wage sucks ass. And we learn about original Christmas stories! And a film about ... ways in which we live at Christmas. I'll tell you how I live: on minimum wage.

NASA lost footage of the moon landing. Since clearly they'll be needing to reshoot the footage, Stephen's volunteering Flagworth for the job. So much parental pride!

And that's all you need to know.

If you wave your hands you're a terrorist.

2006-08-15T23:06:00.000-07:00

The Iranian president has been riding Stephen's coattails since February, Sean Hannity compares 60 Minutes reporter Mike Wallis to Hitler (or not, what?), and all in all, Stephen is not pleased with the 60 Minutes attempt at creating the Fourth Reich.

Tonight's Word: Dumb-ocracy. We have the option of every idiot voting, or voting for idiots. Stephen doesn't vote (okay, he can't) because he enjoys defying authority, even though as a truthiness extremist he's clearly the kind of guy the nation is looking for. He thinks we should keep paying the poor not to vote (but to continue to fight in our wars! Okay, maybe not paying for that).

We're still attempting to get the bridge named in Hungary. An actual Hungarian is now in first place, Chuck Norris has dropped down to fifth, and Colbert Nation fans everywhere have moved Stephen up to 1774 votes. Look, Stephen, we killed the server, but keep trying: www.m0hid.gov.hu/vote. Remember, it's Stephen with a ph. Already having carpal tunnel, I can say I don't have much to lose. Stephen already has Stephen, Jr., so we're going to go to www.saginawspirit.com and vote for Colbert or the Colbeagle.

It's All You Need to Know! But ... not mine. Just ... Stephen's. I should get a new tagline. Mexico is secretly electing George W. Bush, your very educated mother just said uhoh! no Pluto, thus eliminating it as a planet. Stephen demonstrates the correct way to use a condom, and gets popped right in the face. That's what you get, Stephen, for misguiding the youth of America with inappropriate balloon toys.

You can be a passionate moderate! No, really, you can. Tonight's guest is David Gregon, former advisor to multiple presidents, among other things. He actually makes a lot of good points, despite Stephen's insistence that these bootstraps aren't made for welfare. The point is: good presidents are not total asses. Strangely enough, the point about Nixon being the last liberal president was made on an earlier show. All in all, very interesting interview. Be moderate! Extremely passionately!

... and that's all you need to know. (For real.)

Walk a mile in anothe rman's mustache.

2006-08-14T22:33:00.000-07:00

Apparently the U.S. and the French, working with the U.N., orchestrated the ceasefire that tragically halted our progress towards World War Three. Not even binging on freedom fries can make Stephen feel better today, primarily because they're back to being french fries again.

Important news of the day: Geraldo Rivera is still a dick. Stephen's very hurt by Rivera's unnecessary harassment of the Report, and Stephen put Jon on notice last Thursday as you may know. Until the card arrives, Stephen is calling Jon out, and there's a new addition to the board family -- the Called Out board! Congratulations to Jon, who gets an extra "h" out of spite.

What a twist! Jon has even arrived to dispute the, uh, called-on ness. Stephen paged Jon about an emergency, and they share a moment in which Stephen is willing to share Jon's deep emotional pain that Jon doesn't actually feel. Colbert is deeply hurt (no, seriously, there's a lot of pouting, and Jon making wistful faces) and Jon has no heart. He also looks really horrible in a Rivera mustache.

Like many other people who go on the on-line to the internets, Stephen Colbert is very upset about AOL leaking every embarassing thing you've ever searched for to the rest of the world. Here's some sound advice to protecting your identity!

-- Type with your nondominant hand so as not to type in your handwriting.
-- Pick the write password! Slap the keyboard at random.
-- Don't give all your money to the Golden Palace.
-- Defrag your harddrive! It involves some stuff, with some stuff and some things.
-- Throw the world off your trail with a fake search!
-- And last but not least, always wash your computer with distilled water and a firm brush to ward off viruses.

Tonight's guest is Ramesh Ponnuru, author of The Party of Death, and we're speaking about Democrats there. What with the penchant for babykilling and supporting terrorists, we establish that parties of death are fairly foul, and also that cloning Raegan would be a good idea. I'd prefer an extra Colbert, as it would probably really help with their effects budget for Formidable Opponent, but personally, that's just me.

Keep an eye on your e-mail, Stephen might be keeping an eye on you. And that's all you need to know!

I wonder which Doctor, Tennent or Eccleston?

2006-08-10T22:27:00.000-07:00

Tonight! Joe Lieberman forms his own party, Woolsey from California hosts Stephen in his office, and MoveOn.org is bringing the tofu.

The Brits are now infinitely less fey, and Stephen is denied most of his carry-ons, which include but are not limited to: bottled water, Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper (three!), half and half, go-gurt, his own personal hygiene cocktail, Scorn, Formula 401, a couple of jars of urine, five gallons of gas, and his very adorable goldfish, Anthrax. He's carrying Anthrax! It's a family name.

A friend of mine noted tonight that Stephen Colbert sticks the most bizarre things in his mouth. Apparently a boullion cube is not one of them.

Joe Lieberman is a labradoodle! Why won't he just give up? Come on. The liberal left has taken you over. Tonight's Word: Cappuccino! Ned Lamont's supporters are so fringe that they hold the same opinion of the Iraq war as 86% of Democrats. Whites on top! 86% of America is foam, and the other 14% is Joe Lieberman seeking to bring you back to mainstream America.

Stephen's taking a scenic trip out to sunny California to visit California's sixth district, but not before he works some green screen magic to show us some sweet moves with a lightsaber. Hot stuff! Congresswoman Woolsey admits that they are all treehugging potsmoking hippies, and establishes that welfare is not remotely awesome. Stephen lets her off a little easy, and he challenges her to an arm-wrestling match, in which he, in true heroic fashion, soundly trounces her by starting early.

Tonight's guest is the head of MoveOn.org, Eli Pariser, whose website trades in Democracy, particularly a brand that allows people to be heard. They're trying to horn in on Stephen's business, here. America e-mails Pariser daily, and he foists the job off on his interns so that they can care for them! Stephen calls him on his smear campaign, and argues against the clearly faulty logic of majority rule. Who knows! Apparently it's all on the web.

That's it for this evening, kids! Sleep tight, cos that's all you need to know.

OH THE DRAMA.

2006-08-10T20:33:00.000-07:00

Tonight's recap is a special double-edition! I'll be doing both The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, because it was a night of much awesomeness.

Top story this evening, the plot in London, where John Oliver, newest and most Britishest correspondent, is acting as the senior carryonologist. The terrorists appear to have one; we can't drink on planes. Or go on planes, apparently. We're walking bombs!

Dan Bakkedahl, who is honestly my favorite of the new correspondents (aside from John Hodgman!) is doing a piece on Indiana, most threatened of all our dear states. Who would want to attack Indiana? He bravely ventures into the middle of nowhere, visits llamas and tiny ponies, some birds, and a gas station. He also demonstrates the usefulness of the Chinese fingertrap.

Now for the good stuff: STEPHEN COLBERT. That's right, Mr. Colbert himself has appeared on the show, still on the hunt for an apology to Geraldo. Jon is really getting nailed here, Stephen is relentless. The irony is that they're using Stephen's old segments here, so it's entirely possible he himself was the one implying that Geraldo had his head firmly planted up his own ass. Stephen is quick to clear this up though: that wasn't Stephen Colbert of The Colbert Report, that was Stephen Colbert, Daily Show stooge! Jon was a harsh taskmaster.

Jon hadn't really said anything about itty bitty Nixons without the vision or relevance, but ... he agrees. For Stephen's sake, Jon is going to apologize to Geraldo ... over the phone, as Geraldo doesn't watch the show. Jon calls, and gets Geraldo, who sounds suspiciously like Stephen Colbert with a rather questionable lisp. We cut back to the both of them and ... very clearly it was NOT Stephen on the phone there. Obviously. Except maybe it was, as Stephen Colbert is even authorized to make out with Geraldo's wife.

And it ends with Jon Stewart ON NOTICE.

Tonight's guest: Dale Earnhart, Jr., looking very dapper and discussing the absolute horror of driving at ridiculously fast speeds in enclosed spaces with forty other people there potentially able to do you great physical harm.

The toss tonight ... what? He's still there! That's right. Stephen is still there, looking very sullen and angry. And then he's in his own studio, and then there's some THOROUGHLY CREEPY maniacal laughter. Jon thinks it's all a lie. Stephen number two thinks someone's pretaped, probably Stephen number one, who mysteriously disappears under Jon's desk, and then, maybe magically through the mahogany, back to his own studio.

We'll be back after the break!

[Edit: Now with Hodgman AND Bakkedahl goodness. You caught me on that first one, Anonymous, but it is I who came out triumphant with the second.]

Colbert Nation Challenge

2006-08-10T10:34:00.000-07:00

Now keep in mind, the members of the Colbert Nation have already proven themselves to be so fanatically devout that we can cause riots in the world of Wikidom. The question is now, are we fanatically devout enough to overtake Chuck Norris in the quest for naming a Hungarian bridge?

The answer is yes. No Fact Zone has posted a handy-dandy guide to doing ridiculous things to express your love for Our Great Leader, one Dr. Stephen T. Colbert.

To accomplish your task:

To vote, go here-
http://www.m0hid.gov.hu/szavaz

UPDATE!!! Walk-through of the voting process:

* If you can actually get through to this page, do an "Edit - Find (on this page)" for "Colbert" and it should take you straight to his nomination.

* Make sure you have found Stephen Colbert and not Steven Colbert (don't split the vote kids!). Click on the button by his name to vote for him.

* Then go to the bottom of the web page and click the "Elküld" button (the square one at the bottom of the page), and your vote should be submitted.

* DO NOT try to sort the nominees by ABC, because as heavily trafficked as this site is right now, you're lucky to connect to the site once.

* If you can click the round button by his name, and click on the "Elküld" button at the bottom of the page, your vote should count.

Anyone who votes for Steven is officially dead to me. Okay, maybe not, but.

Apparently the server can't handle the traffic, so if you don't get through, just keep on trying. Foisting our pop culture on to other nations is what we do best as Americans, so let's keep up the good work! And hope it doesn't make the world hate us any more than it already does. Who could hate a bridge named Stephen, though?

I believe in douchebag by example.

2006-08-09T22:31:00.000-07:00

Wow, Geraldo Rivera is a real ass, isn't he? I mean, you kind of know that already, but then you're kind of like, wow, you're really a dick. Tonight's going to be very inclusive, and exclusively inclusive.

Aw, I saw Robbins and thought it would be a Tim. Lieberman's chair has been moved to the audience, where it takes up the space two much more deserving audience members could occupied.

What, Tom DeLay is running for Congress? Because ... the Democrats said so? Even if he's not campaigning. It's all very confusing and bewildering. I see Christ through Tom DeLay, if Jesus was a little manic.

KITTENWAR! Kittenwar.com is seriously awesome, children. Go vote for your favorite kittens. They are adorable. I like to vote for the ones no one likes so they feel better about themselves.

The Word: Pencils down! Border security failed, and it means someone's failing, namely the Gay-o. Apparently they had to be taught something everyone else, including the media, already knew. I guess they're too busy failing to watch the news.

Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger! Stephen has finally come to see the bad side of the Middle East conflict. How sad, Bush is only taking a short conflict! He needs to recharge his batteries before he starts with the sucking again. Ford also gets a wag of the finger because of cruise control buttons. I'm sorry, I use cruise control because I'm lazy. Tip of the hat to J.K. Rowling! For killing characters in kids' books. Another wag of the finger to, um, boobs, which apparently turn babies to cannibalism. I think a Chuck Norris bridge would be the sweetest bridge ever.

If you feel like voting: www.m0hid.gov.hu. Just poke around and enter some stuff. Change the world!

Tonight's guest: Alexandra Robbins! I have to like anyone who goes by the name Alexandra, especially when they're totally eyeballing Stephen Colbert. She wrote The Overachievers. I'm going to a tiny Alabama school! I can assure you, we're not part of that elite group. But I did have a teacher who went to Yale. There's a little bit of a catfight brewing, though. Robbins is on the attack! Stephen is a hundred and twenty years old! But apparently she's just trying to screw the rest of us. I believe it. Overachievers are dangerous.

... I missed the last couple of minutes, there. My cable cut it off. So for tonight, I have absolutely no idea if that's all you need to know.

PARUMP-PUM.

2006-08-08T22:24:00.000-07:00

First let me give a bit of a shout out to the Alpha Squad Seven website. In a bit of a mix-up my link seemed to have disappeared, and I just have to say that I have always appreciated the link this site has to me, as they were my first documented proof of my innate it getting ability.

I'm sorry, I missed some things. What is it with the totally sweet suits lately? But I tuned in just in time to see The Word: ten-hut! What the shit, is that a riding crop? I think that's the most historically inaccurate uniform ever. Way to not get it, Stephen. And hi, the Word is dwarfing Stephen. The point, though, seems to be that veterans need to take their actual combat experience and back off. I mean seriousy, what does actually knowing things have to do with ever knowing anything? I don't know a damn thing about most of the things I talk to, and look where it got me. Negligible degrees of internet infamy.

Mr. Colbert appears to have a problem with books, particularly the fact that his book is not a book. Vanity presses make you look like an ass, Stephen. But he published it as an animated cartoon! I would go so far as to suggest that this is, undoubtedly, the greatest cartoon EVER. So great it requires CAPITAL LETTERS. The nudity will never make it on cable though, Colbert.

Tonight's guest, Bill Rhoden! I don't know anything about sports, but I can tell you that slavery metaphors are tricky. Rhoden is trying hard to avoid there, and Stephen reasserts his colorblindness. He likes shiny things, and can't smell flowers. Not following sports in the least, I can't say that I would be able to comment on tonight's interview with any semblance of intelligence.

... that was a little creepy though. Come on, Steve, give Jon a little break.

I'm going to pretend I'm less amused by Jon's possession of the Goodwill bobblehead and the mountie cutout, though.

That's true, airplanes don't fit in foxholes.

2006-08-04T11:33:00.001-07:00

I love tennis! I took a tennis class, and ... got a B. Okay, maybe I don't love tennis that much. I have better ways to fork over all my money to Stephen Colbert, mostly by not.

Awwww, Lieberman's bowl has his name on it now! More exciting and colorful graphics in which we talk about War, What It's Good For. Not a segment for pussies. Speaking of, why aren't you jumping at the chance, Colbert? You're forty-one! You can squeeze in there. But we need him here, telling us all the things we never knew we didn't already know we needed to know about the war.

Mm, more Mel Gibson talk. It's my first look at the actual comments! "Fucking Jews, Jews are resonsible for all the wars in the world." Russ Lieber here for comment, eating ... Lieberman's cocoa puffs. Aww, he's battling parasites and a really tragic mustache. There's some discussion of Gibson's restraint in Passion of the Christ, and also the wars the Jews didn't start. I have to be frank, though, I kind of got lost towards the end. So did Lieber, apparently. Unequivocal statement: there is none. Kudos! But Stephen is nice enough to give him back the cocoa puffs during the break.

Honoring the 49 countries, it's the 28 part Meet an Ally series! Now we meet Palau, and Palau's ambassador, who doesn't know a thing about it. But at least he's been there! And knows about the complete lack of military bases. Or militaries. They have a boat, at least. For the awesome fishing. I think a flock of trained crocodiles would be the sweetest addition to the War on Terror ever, though.

Tonight's guest: veteran Paul Hackett! Also, really poor camera angles! Or, well, I guess that depends on interpretation. Stephen is very clear about his dislike right from the get-go. Where does Hackett get off, knowing things about wars and deciding he doesn't like them? Personally, I think twenty-three year old marines are terrifying. Aw, the blank stare there! Oh, wow, BURN, McCain. Listen to the awkward pause! Cough, cough! As if the war hasn't been the defining event in the past two elections.

Post-interview brooding! Fanning faux flames! Warmongeror...oring. Colbert has dedicated his fireplace as the first eternal flame of World War III, and gives it a good poke to get it going. Remember kids, he had the idea first, and I wouldn't suggest trying it on your own. I doubt you'll be able to afford the legal fees when he sues you.

And that's all you need to know!

That's true, airplanes don't fit in foxholes.

2006-08-04T11:33:00.000-07:00

I love tennis! I took a tennis class, and ... got a B. Okay, maybe I don't love tennis that much. I have better ways to fork over all my money to Stephen Colbert, mostly by not.

Awwww, Lieberman's bowl has his name on it now! More exciting and colorful graphics in which we talk about War, What It's Good For. Not a segment for pussies. Speaking of, why aren't you jumping at the chance, Colbert? You're forty-one! You can squeeze in there. But we need him here, telling us all the things we never knew we didn't already know we needed to know about the war.

Mm, more Mel Gibson talk. It's my first look at the actual comments! "Fucking Jews, Jews are resonsible for all the wars in the world." Russ Lieber here for comment, eating ... Lieberman's cocoa puffs. Aww, he's battling parasites and a really tragic mustache. There's some discussion of Gibson's restraint in Passion of the Christ, and also the wars the Jews didn't start. I have to be frank, though, I kind of got lost towards the end. So did Lieber, apparently. Unequivocal statement: there is none. Kudos! But Stephen is nice enough to give him back the cocoa puffs during the break.

Honoring the 49 countries, it's the 28 part Meet an Ally series! Now we meet Palau, and Palau's embassador, who doesn't know a thing about it. But at least he's been there! And knows about the complete lack of military bases. Or militaries. They have a boat, at least. For the awesome fishing. I think a flock of trained crocodiles would be the sweetest addition to the War on Terror ever, though.

Tonight's guest: veteran Paul Hackett! Also, really poor camera angles! Or, well, I guess that depends on interpretation. Stephen is very clear about his dislike right from the get-go. Where does Hackett get off, knowing things about wars and deciding he doesn't like them? Personally, I think twenty-three year old marines are terrifying. Aw, the blank stare there! Oh, wow, BURN, McCain. Listen to the awkward pause! Cough, cough! As if the war hasn't been the defining event in the past two elections.

Post-interview brooding! Fanning faux flames! Warmongeror...oring. Colbert has dedicated his fireplace as the first eternal flame of World War III, and gives it a good poke to get it going. Remember kids, he had the idea first, and I wouldn't suggest trying it on your own. I doubt you'll be able to afford the legal fees when he sues you.

And that's all you need to know!

Links

2006-08-03T07:16:00.000-07:00

Added a couple of new links yesterday:

Wikiality -- Wiki style website about Stephen Colbert. It's fun, exciting, and free publicity for the Wiki-savvy! This is the kind of thing that I love. It's an incredibly thorough site, and if the people writing it are anything like myself, at least two-thirds of it is probably true. You'd be surprised the kind of encyclopaedic knowledge we have.

No Fact Zone -- This is a new website, just went live this July. Very lovely layout, great news, and they also agreed to whore me out when I actively volunteered myself for the whoring. Articles out the wazoo, it's all the things I aspire to someday have the time to be.

Round-ups will begin semi-daily soon, as soon as I have kind of vaguely upacked. Tonight's guest, Paul Hackett, Senate candidate from Ohio. I'd have linked to the Wikipedia article, but what with all the Wikicensoring going on, I'm not sure I want to support that website any longer. Sure I'll be screwed when it comes time for school reports again, but I don't support websites that don't support me providing my interpretation of what might potentially be considered fact to the world at large at the cost of accurate information. Step it up, Wikipedia. Embrace the Colwiki love.

You're really dropping the ball, Lieberman.

2006-08-02T22:33:00.000-07:00

They've downgraded from molds to potholders! That's a plus, at least. We're back to Lieberman, who still hasn't showed up on the show. Isn't that horrible? Colbert it seems is not a milk fan. I'm sorry, but that stuff is good. It's really good. Especially when it's hot.

... oh! Dr. Sanjay Gupta! Poor Stephen, getting bad advice from the poor doctor. But wait, angry audience members! Milk doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. Come on.

Hey, Ed Helms is doing the voiceover for the on notice piece! That's so much love for former coworkers there. Stephen Colbert, unlike the rest of us, only has four sections of his brain, including bears and repressed homosexual urges. There's got to be a section in there for the outsourcing. But at least he gives them food? ... kind of?

The Word? Single serving! Or phrase. What? Aw, I loved My Fair Brady. Stephen Colbert wants to save marriage, with the help of Pam and Kid Rock. They're doing four times the marriages! With four times the video. It'll piss off your parents for sure! Hell yeah! Plus it's the return of Filliam H. Muffman! Hardcore!

Oh, wow, that's a little problematic. Way to have an interview with no guest, Stephen. Bitchin'. Why don't I get to call in? That's a little tragic. (I have no problem with that coverage at all by the way.) Don't ever call Stephen Colbert ... oh. I was going to defend him against the fearmongering, but apparently he's in charge of the mongering.

The real guest tonight? Linda Hirshman. Stephen does an adorable little jig that even she can't resist, and we all laugh and laugh about feminism. It's a feminist manifesto for our generation! Which is, I think, a good thing, though I'm not a feminist per se. My dad raised me (and my niece) and we turned out fine. ... wait, no. Okay, I can't choose to stay home and have babies? Which, granted, I would not choose to do personally, because I'm not a big fan of babies. I'm not going to get into it, because it's not my job here and all, but I'd recommend checking the book out all the same.

And that's the word!

Six Degrees of Nuclear Separation

2006-08-01T22:33:00.000-07:00

Let's be frank, I have no idea what's going on tonight because that is a sweet-ass suit. It's hot, and the audience melted, and there was some stuff with that tie and Ned Lamont, and faux-Democrat Lieberman jokes, which are always in vogue. (Cocoa puffs are delicious!!!) He's trying so hard to welcome Lieberman into the it-getting fold.

Wow, they're big on the Jesus-shooting graphics at the Report. But on the plus side, Fidel Castro is getting old. That's a big shocker, along with the vile tendancies of tourists. I want to take over the world with tourism. Bitchin'!

... oh, wow. Uh. The word is ... uncool? I think? I'm really distracted by the whole smoking business. Smoking is bad, and addiction, and a disease, and wanting to get rid of tobacco companies is for losers. Yeah.

Aw, balls for kids! We're learning about carnivals. Hi kids! Hi carnival workers! Hi sharp objects. We're going to pretend that didn't happen. There's a lot of feeling like you're dying, and horrible carnival experiences. Plus kids aren't allowed to go on them anyway. (I enjoyed them, but I was easy to please.) In the end, we don't learn anything we don't already know: carnivals are a great way to get traumatized as a small child.

Aww, what a nice angle. What a nice collection of angles. We're here to talk to Paul Beinart, who looks shockingly young and isn't a big fan of hugs. As a liberal, I can't say I'm a big fan of hugs either. Sometimes you just have to smack them right in the face. Or ... nail them. Or oppress them. It's always good to meet a man who can admit that he's wrong though. Now if we could just convince men to be wrong about, you know, the oppression. Colbert wants to go with Truman's a-bomb idea; I would really prefer ineffectual hugs to that, I have to say.

And that's all you need to know!

I reject your reality and substitute my own!

2006-07-31T22:34:00.000-07:00

Oh wow, quite a bit of drama in the toss there, huh kids? I mean, Corddry looked pretty offended there. But Colbert's beep boo boop beep boo boops are classic.

He's having a lot of fun with the flailing turns, isn't he? Plus, Ned Lamont? A favorite of DailyKos. Yeah, I follow that, even blogging is like wikipedia for kids who don't like to edit.

Shockingly enough, my local Fox news affiliate is probably one of the best around here. Wow, though, that guy is a total dick, isn't he? I have to say though, I really approve of Stephen's method. I think I'm going to have to keep that in mind for the future. I could use the money.

Oh, the Word! Wikipedia articles on Stephen Colbert? Let's not discuss it. Wikipedia is full of lies, more lies, and other various lies of morally questionable natures. It's easy to see why it would be the kind of thing that appeals to Colbert, utilizing all the literary awesomeness of books, with none of the actual fact. You feel Wikipedia with your gut. I feel like I'm in a Mythbusters episode.

Wow, Mel Gibson is anti-Semitic? It's like people hadn't been saying that since Passion of the Christ came out.

Oh, Tip of the Hat! To Lance Bass? How surprising. But he gets to go into space and be free! The wag, however, goes to Unilever. I don't really feel like eating ice cream made from fish. I can't even stomach hot dogs, American pasttime that they are. Another tip of the hat goes to Monopoly, which is aiming for debit cards instead of paper cash. I always ruined that stuff anyway. (Aww, abusive big sisters! The ones that go by Colbert.)

Tonight's guest, Ned Lamont, who's running against what DailyKos would have you believe is a very worried Joe Lieberman. Do I know if he's worried? No. I have no idea. We'll probably find out. The New York Times (some woman called them treasonous at the Fox taping I went to) supports Lamont. Probably for a good reason. Mm, democrats with backbones! We're just going to hope he keeps a firm grasp on it. They're both for choosing things, like taxing, and then potentially spending it. On wars, granted, but hey!

The frustrating thing about interviews like this is that there are Democrats everywhere talking about the kinds of things Lamont talk about, and yet they're not the kinds of Democrats in office. Why can't everyone feel that way?

Decent politicians. What a rarity.

And that's all you need to know.

Great comic, or greatest comic?

2006-07-27T11:36:00.000-07:00

I've just moved and I'm sans cable, hence the lack of blog; someone will be arriving to do my bidding and hooking me up to some sweet sweet television action so I can resume full-time blogging next week.

However, in the meantime, I do have some interesting news that's been floating around of late: Oni Press is beginning work on Stephen Colbert's Alpha Squad Seven: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure comic. I think it's safe to say it's probably going to be hardcore awesome, as when does Stephen Colbert's likeness translated into completely unrealistic fictional situations not turn out hardcore awesome? It's been kept pretty tightly under wraps, but word is they're aiming for a Spring 2007 release.

Don't forget to go see the Strangers with Candy film if it's been released in your city. Check the website to find the nearest theatre -- poor little me's sore out of luck until August 11th.

And that's all you need to know!

I've got 99 problems -- part II

2006-07-26T19:03:00.000-07:00

The taping, all in all, was fantastic. I'm going to pop on my crazed fangirl hat for a moment -- forgive me -- and say that as a small-town Alabama girl it was probably the most delightful thing I've done in all my life, blogger or no.

I hesitated to post the second bit last night because: firstly, I was nearly hyperventilating over the fact that I you know, touched him and stuff. And then I didn't have Comedy Central, and then I fell asleep at the keyboard. Sadly, like the Novotel, airports also conspired against my need to blog in a timely fashion, and thus, shortly before tonight's recap, I ... give you yet another recap, plain and simple, and sans that obnoxious narrative format from yesterday. Just trying new things, folks, you gotta give a girl room to breathe.

The studio? Tiny. Stephen Colbert? Also tiny; you really can't appreciate how thin he is until your face is two inches away from his. Or how large his hands are, for that matter. He has the most delightfully elastic face and is the most hilariously shameless man that ever graced a studio set.

It was a bit bizarre to watch the show from the audience -- to have to crane your neck to see the TV and catch the graphics that went with the words. The Word is especially remarkable to see Sans Board, and it's a little unsettling to listen to Stephen Colbert's 'genuine' voice saying the things he says without the tongue-in-cheek narration beside it. It's also bizarre to have gone from a Fox Dayside taping and hear things said earlier in the day repeated ... facetiously, I have to say.

I also really appreciated the Wexler bit, which I'd heard about but not seen (lax as I've been lately). It's very entertaining to see the media working so hard to paint Stephen as a threat to reputations. The impression I got from the clips was a bit negative, both towards him and Wexler; compare that to the rave reviews he gets when he's just being a goofball and not nigh-on painfully sarcastic. It's also funny to see a clip in which the joke is stated: "say something that would definitely get you voted out of office," "I do cocaine because ..." and then the bait is accepted, and people took it seriously. The worst thing about Wexler in that clip is he's a little waxy-looking. There's a difference between that kind of joke and making an idiot of yourself just because you're an idiot (Ten Commandments, anyone?)

Formidable Opponent was a delight, and aside from the Threatdown it is without a doubt my personal favorite segment. I'd always expected it was a green screen trick, and it was really fun to see it done. The way Stephen popped between sides was really quick and sharp, and we did get treated to him busting a bit of a move during a commercial break before the segment. Also, I have a healthy appreciation for any discussion of clones involving Colbert. I agree with it wholeheartedly, until they turn murderous. That could be a bit problematic.

I knew Donahue was going to be a guest before we went in, and I did a bit of research -- from what I'd heard (I knew about the liberal secular Jews remark) I had expected a little more batshit crazy and a little less ability to take a joke. The ruler bit was great and, as Donahue admitted, unplanned. It was a pleasant surprise to see a guy like William Donahue who I can't say I agree with (the irony of trying to convince Stephen liberal secular Jews holding Catholics down was quite hilarious though) able to be so easygoing about an interview like that was kind of refreshing. He may be a little crazy, but he's a little crazy and apparently a little easy-going, too.

All in all it was really just a delight and a treat to get to go to the taping. The entire staff was fantastic, friendly, and encouraging (someone liked my tie! oh, if I were as popular as my neckwear) and the warm-up act (whose name, sadly, I don't recall) was really funny. And nice to my mother (the token audience Republican) to boot. She touched the desk! And it didn't catch fire. Stephen was very friendly with the audience and very grateful for our presence and our enthusiasm, and it was just a joy to go. If you're ever in the area and can possibly get tickets, do it. It's an absolute blast.

And that's all you need to know.

For another hour and a half, at least.

I've got 99 problems (Part I)

2006-07-25T20:44:00.000-07:00

And hell, it's entirely possible my dedication to the truth might be one of them.

I woke up today at some obscenely early hour, after having stayed up late to do battle with poor hotel cable. I sat through a taping of a Fox News show, and had my face on the television; I held a microphone, and I feel the responsibility was fitting given that I was a fellow member of the newsmedia. I walked an ungodly amount of blocks, showed up at West 54th, and got in line.

First. For the July 25th taping of The Colbert Report -- so here's your live, after the fact, completely true despite editorializing, special report from Kristina, your intrepid aspiring return blogger, in two parts: pre-show, and ... show.

I was early. Very early, in fact, early enough to start getting very uncomfortable in the tie and suspenders I'd worn. I thought it might help immerse me in the experience. Instead, I think I felt a pang of nausea related to sunstroke, and also, it really did a number on my hair. I'm not a journalist who cares more about looking good for the cameras than the story, but the fro look really wasn't cutting it.

Waiting was tedious, but I was tended to by two very charming interns. I think it was my earnestness that really did it for me. I hid my tourist tendancies -- and my copy of New York for Dummies -- very well. At six we -- myself at the head of the line, of course, my mother right behind -- were herded into a tiny building, and then a tiny studio. Maybe not the impressive spread I'd anticipated for a hero like Colbert, but hey, if it was good enough for him, I thought I would be polite enough to keep my snide remarks in this write-up to a minimum. At least we know it's not compensation issues.

Jon Stewart, it's sad to say, was a little off his game tonight. The toss was taped at the Report studio for once, Mr. Colbert coming out to tape and finding out The Daily Show wasn't ready. But Colbert covered his disappointment well and -- honestly -- the toss was a little short, but they are so ridiculously friendly. Afterwards Stephen took a few questions, and here's where the real fun for your intrepid blogger begins.

I had a question, of course. How could I not? I wasn't the first, my arm wasn't fast enough. Nor was I the second. It's entirely possible I wouldn't have been third had I not been nigh on rising out of my seat. I got called on. I got ignored -- burn, Colbert. No one cares about that man and his bear questions. Except everyone, and then it was my turn. I said as much.

We squared off, chubby pasty blogger to the microphone shoved in her mouth. "Is it your turn!"

That's what I asked, Colbert. "I just wanted to know! I was being earnest!"

"Yes, it's your turn." That's right, I thought so.

"I was just wondering what the deal is with the show and Tucker Carlson."

We squared off again, except this time there wasn't a microphone causing chafing as I spoke. "Tucker Carlson! We love Tucker. We celebrate Tucker Carlson."

"That's not what it seems like!"

"You just have to read between the lines!" It was accompanied by the appropriate hand gesture as he moved to the other side of the audience.

I balked. I was the media! He didn't know what I could do. I returned with an angry arm gesture. "You too, Stephen!" Fatal mistake. I couldn't afford to be too familiar.

"No! Not you." I was mollified. "Tucker Carlson."

A young woman asked a question about the White House Correspondent's Dinner. What happened? she wanted to know.

He volunteered me to be ... him. "Just walk past me." I did. We shook hands. I took it for the apology I was positive it was secretly intended not to be. "Good job," he said.

And then he came by after he finished the questions, shook my hand, and said thank you.

I didn't know what he was on about.

But Stephen Colbert shook my hand twice.

So I sucked it up and dealt.

(Part II -- the show -- soon, or tomorrow. The day was long, heroes. Long, rewarding, and uh, tiring. What happened in the studio? Completely true. If you saw the taping today, I was the fat girl in the tie with the puffy hair.)

And, for once, that is not all you need to know.

Novotel New York -- You're On Notice

2006-07-24T21:46:00.000-07:00

So let me tell you what. I work a lot, and I do a lot, and generally speaking, it is not condusive to blogging. But heroes, I have completely rearranged my life for you, including getting an apartment, decent cable, and my own steady internet so that I can blog. Nightly. All the time.

So I had this great plan. To apologize, I was going to do a nice special Colbert Report report, which technically speaking, I can still do, and potentially will do at a date that is not tomorrow, because while I am very happy to send myself to the poor house for the great Stephen Colbert, my parents aren't all that keen on blowing $9.99 on Novotel and t-Mobile's conspiracy against me and this blog.

Consider this an official return from an unofficial and unfortunate hiatus. Regular blogging will commence on Wednesday, with the occassional delay until I am safely situated in my new apartment which will, thankfully, not require a two hour commute to work every day. The shit I do for the ice cream business, I tell you.

Tomorrow or potentially Wednesday, be on the look out for a 2 Most 2 Trusted special report. Timely, with a chance of scattered awesomeness.

Novotel New York, you're on notice. Don't think I'm going to forget this any time soon.

When I get back? I'll be glad of it. Until then, that's all you need to know.