movierectum.co.uk

Work on the new site has begun!

2009-11-18T12:17:00.006Z

First off I'm no designer. However I need to come up with a suitable design for the new MovieRectum.co.uk page. First thing I have is a new logo. This is the best out of what I have done so far, please leave a comment or suggestion. I need all the help I can get!

Obviously the ace vector graphic of a zombies head is not my own and can be found here: http://vector4free.com/vectors/id/157

I am aware I might have to change it if my site ever became commercial. As if!

Also colours might change later. Not sure if I like it myself.

Future Sport

2009-08-29T09:57:00.000+01:00

In the future when all the good names for sports are taken, there will be one sport that will sweep the nation and end all war. It's name is FUTURE SPORT!

So Dean Cain post New Adventures of Superman struts his stuff in this movie playing our hero, Tremaine Ramzey. Tremaine used to play Future Sport back when it was underground. He has since sold out to play it in the major leagues, much to the sports creator, Obike Fixx's (Wesley Snipes) disgust.

Tre is a hero to the masses and it's said his PI or Popularity Index is through the roof. He is no stranger to fighting terrorists in his spare time between matches while also bedding girls with high PI's. However one bad game and his sponsors pull out, his team hate him, he loses his popular girlfriend and so he begins on a journey of self discovery and montages.

Along the way he meets an old friend, Alex Torres (played by Ugly Betty star Vanessa L Williams) who is the journalist who helped make him and the future sport what it is today.

In an effort to keep it real, Tre decides to use Future Sport to settle a dispute between terrorists and America in an attempt to end needless war forever.

It's not just the plot that is utterly ridiculous, but the actual sport itself is basically basketball on skateboards. The professional arena looks like its trying to be 'Rollerball' but doesn't even look that good.

To be fair to the actors they kind of nail how much acting will be expected in this movie, and its almost like watching a bunch of 14 year olds with their dads camcorder having fun. Every line is delivered with a "what the hell am i doing?" smile and a wink. Wesley snipes puts on a Jamaican accent, which is terrible but to be fair he gets into it and even makes up his own little mannerisms.

The main problem with the film, and the reason i would never recommend it to anyone, is the pacing. The film goes on far too long with little happening, feels more like a mini series than a movie as it follows an episodic structure rather than that of a movie.

I challenge anyone to make it to the end of this movie, it's that dull. The Future Sport itself is boring with none of the promised violence, the action scenes may as well not exist. Having said all that the makers clearly did what they could with a shockingly bad script and concept.

Only recommended if you need a good sleep.

G.I. JOE: The Rise Of The Cobra

2009-08-21T11:38:00.000+01:00

When the 're-imagining' of Transformers came out, a lot of people my age with less sense cried "It's raping our childhood memories - boo hoo". I think this was unfair, as if you had kept it like the original cartoons it would have been a lot worse.

So G.I.JOE, a film that very few people in the UK will care about, for what little I know about it, has never been that succesful here. However it was massive across the ocean with our American friends. I think part of the problem is that it was re-branded to 'ACTION FORCE' in the UK.

McCullen (Christopher Eccleston) is the manager of a worldwide arms company that sells its goods to everyone. Obviously this leads to the thirst for world domination. He and his evil scientist - 'The Doctor' (Joseph-Gordon Levitt) have developed a weapon based on nanomachines that will eat through entire cities and will not stop until a 'killswitch' is activated coded to the individual warhead. So it is left up to an elite team of the American military called G.I. JOE to thwart his evil plans.

We follow the story through two new recruits in the G.I.JOE ranks, Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans), who come across G.I.JOE when they are busy transporting the nanomachine warheads bought from McCullen, and are stopped by a mysteriously evil squad of soldiers, that obviously turn out to be McCullens evil henchmen.... ?!?

Hold on. It is actually quite difficult to write down the plot of G.I.JOE, as it is so massively stupid, so insulting to the viewers intelligence and so horrible that every time I think about the plot my brain starts to melt out my nose.

Things like, McCullens nanomachine warheads were developed by him, he uses them initially to find out where the G.I.JOE base is using the tracking device on a case, but then has to steal them back? Why? He Developed them!? He then has to 'weaponise' them using a particle accelerator!? What!?

Or how about that McCullen is so Scottish that his accent seems to shift to different Scottish dialects in every scene. How did this happen? Eccleston did a pretty good Scottish accent in 'Shallow Grave', was he asked by the director - "NO, MORE SCOTTISH... MORE SCOTTISH DAMN IT!". This unfortunately is not the only insult to being Scottish, in the final scenes where Ripcord steals McCullens private fighter jet, it's missile system is voice activated. He has to say 'fire' in Celtic.

Yes because McCullen is so bloody Scottish that he speaks Celtic. WHAT!?

I have barely covered everything that made me cringe during the movie, to do that I would need to go through it scene by scene and write a three page essay on each one.

Okay so maybe the special effects were okay? Unforunately not. Despite throwing everything at your face at five billion miles an hour, with the climactic scenes fought on land air and sea all at once, it made no sense to my brain. It seems to be what all big blockbuster films do these days, but G.I.Joe seemed to be even less coherent.

Some of the scenes with CG looked shabbier than others, like a particular scene with a polar bear, another on a bike (which could have been done with a real person) and don't even get me started on the little made up computer User interface parts that still managed to squeeze in some Norton Anti-Virus product placement.

The worst part of watching this film was that every time I thought we were getting closer to some kind of end, there would be some awful flashback scene explaining the characters background. This was unnecessary to the plot, destroyed the pacing of the film and just made the whole thing last longer than it should have. To make this worse, everyone seemed to have some back story, it got to a point where I wouldnt have even been surprised if some of the extras ended up halting the films plot for a bit of their backstory during the action.

Now you could say that in this movies defence, I am not the target audience really. I mean its for kids right? This is true, however I think it is quite insulting to children that they would lap this up. There are films out there that are made for children with a slight understanding of them and of quality cinema, look at any Pixar efforts for example.

Finally there is something kind of eerie about the whole film, it does feel like it has been made for the religious right of America. In a scene early on there is a bit that right before a helicopter pilots death where he says "Oh my gosh". There is a running theme about Science leading to evil things. Finally there is something in there that really left a bad taste in my mouth, the way women are portrayed in this film. For all their initial strong 'ball-breaking' attitudes, both women, Scarlett (Rachel Nichols) and Ana (Sienna Miller) are quickly portrayed as weak women in the need of male support. Are these things we should be showing to our kids?

Sticking with the 'for kids' subject, the violence is frequent. There may be no blood but surely that isn't all that stops the BBFC from bumping up the rating? There are Shruikens thrown into peoples faces, heads blown off with grenades and a lot of civilians murdered in Paris. Everything the 12A certificate was made for.

This film is worse than terrible, it is insulting to its audience, it's plot is a mess, the acting will make you cry, but for better or worse, it made me laugh (uncomfortably).

TOKYO GORE POLICE

2009-08-14T11:46:00.001+01:00

I cannot think of a more descriptive name for this film. If you go into this film thinking it will be anything other than extreme mental gore, then you need a slap.

Stapled up breasts, penis/trunk cannon, eye guns, chainsaw arms, limbless gimp and 50,000 gallons of pressurised blood. I'm not even revealing the weirdest stuff this film has to offer. It's got more body horror sequences than a cannibals barbecue organised by David Cronenberg.

Even more strangely the film has a plot! Ruka (Eihi Shiina - Audition) is a cop who's job is to exterminate 'Engineers', a race of mutants who's origins are unknown. Engineers can mutate injuries and replace them with weapons, so if an arm is severed then it replaces it with a chainsaw. It turns out that a recent series of murders appear to have been comitted by some sort of intelligent 'Engineer', so Ruka goes on the hunt.

The film is set in a future where the Police have been privatised sort of like if OCP's plan in 'Robocop' had actually worked.

Rukas' Journey reveals the origins of the 'Engineers' which turns out to be possibly the stupidest yet funniest reveal I have seen in a long time.

The viewer is only ever 20 seconds away from witnessing a scene even more mental than the last. Whenever there is a bit of plot, then there is bound to be something more insane just round the corner, ready to spray blood in your face. There is even a scene in which a bunch of fetishists that seem to be into the weirder formations of 'engineers' are at a club, where they can choose one to have some one on one time with. This segment felt like it was saying "hey gore fans this film is just for you guys".

In a lot of Hollywood films everything explodes, in this everything gushes blood. I'm not sure how much fake blood was used in this film, but I am pretty sure it has probably beaten the record.

If there is one complaint with the movie then its the acting. It's always either too wooden or too insane, but then it kind of suits the subject matter.

The special effects are stunning, its all done with old school latex and fake blood, the film never really looks realistic, but then it never intends to be, and appears to be going for sadistic laughs more than anything else.

Finally the film isn't without a little depth. It appears to be poking fun at Japanese culture, especially there attitude towards sex. Additionally there are themes of suicide running through the whole film, with a lot of self mutilation, including some rather funny tv adverts similar in style to Robocop and Starship Troopers. It also has little references to other films, like the police radio girl appears to be a play on the Radio host in 'Warriors'.

Weirder than Body Melt.

If you love gore, then it's great. Like Ronseal, does what it says on the tin.

Follow us on Twitter

2009-08-12T11:32:00.003+01:00

Yes that's right i'm totally 'web2.0' Follow the movie rectum on Twitter here:

http://twitter.com/movierectum

Hopefully will be a good place for bad movie suggestions and for getting ideas about the site improvements.

$70 Zombie film

2009-05-22T23:21:00.004+01:00

I love movies, and i love gore movies, I also really love zombie movies. Lately however this new obsession with zombie movies in hollywood is getting silly, its getting too glossy, time to bring it back to down where it belongs.

Cannes is apparently loving a film called "colin" which is apparently a film from a zombies point of view. His names er.. colin. Sounds a little like City of Rot.
The most astounding thing is apparently it only cost $70 to make. Impressive stuff. Thats quite a profit margin if it does well.

Originally reported by CNN of all people.

Uwe Boll update!

2009-05-20T09:55:00.004+01:00

Uwe Boll submitted a film to cannes film festival. Its called "Darfur"... Yes thats right, that Darfur.

Interview from movieset below, but to save you time, apparently this film might be better as he went to darfur without a script, told the actors to be prepared, and also got some real sudanese people who have been through horrible events to re-enact them.

Uwe Boll without a script? I'd always assumed this was the case! I personally can't wait to see how he messes up a genuine, heartfelt, serious and topical issue such as this one.

Best quote has to be "the sudanese people... are from sudan", at first I thought this was hilarious then I remembered the amount of Hollywood movies that have Chinese playing Japanese and white americans playing pakistani's. So maybe, just maybe, Uwe Boll is on to something.

Also, he's interviewed by a man called Quinn Bender.

Face + meat slicer

2009-05-19T17:19:00.002+01:00

I have never heard of Jet before, or their song 'KIA' but if you are looking for something to cheer you up fast forward to about 1:23.

Video courtesy of Fangoria

The Devil's Hand (1961)

2009-05-17T20:19:00.006+01:00

The films' featuring voodoo which i have seen, are relatively recent. Generally they have all been terrible, whether it was the disastrous Skeleton Key, or the low budget Voodoo Academy, all of them have been lacking something. So it was with hesitation that I put "The Devil's Hand" (also known elsewhere as "Devil's Doll" and "Live to Love") into my DVD player.

The film's biggest star in it is Linda Christian, who has claim to being the first ever bond girl. Linda plays Bianca, a self-proclaimed witch who appears to Rick (Robert Alda) in his dreams. Rick's fiance, Donna (Ariadna Welter) wants nothing more than to get married, unfortunately for her, Rick's luck is down and has recently quit his job.

Bianca guides rick to a doll shop, where he finds dolls' that resemble both Bianca and Donna, this then starts a chain of events that surround Rick as he falls deeper and deeper into a Voodoo cult. He becomes troubled as he has fallen for Bianca even though he is aware she is evil, and struggles with the guilt he feels for leaving his fiance.
Rick realises that for his safety he can't leave the cult, not just because of the jealous rage Bianca feels, but also the threat of the Cult Leader, Francis Lamont(Neil Hamilton*).

If there is doubt about a members loyalty to the cult then they are placed under a rotating wheel with swords on it, Only one sword will be real and cut through to the heart. The fear that the writers wanted to instill in the viewer is somewhat lost by putting a glitter ball in the centre of the wheel, making it more like it belongs in a gameshow.

However, dodgy props aside, this film is undoubtedly the best I have seen about a Voodoo cult. Although some of the writing is really cheesy, especially during romantic scenes, for the most part it is passable. Even if the writing isn't great, some of the actors really out did themselves. Neil Hamilton stole the whole film, as he played quite a menacing, uncompromising Cult leader. He managed to play his character and bring a lot of under-stated creepy movements, especially when handling the dolls.

Overall "Devil's Hand" was a good moral tale of infidelity (ie - don't do it, or you will end up involved in some evil religious cult). It doesn't do a lot, but what it does it generally does well.
This might just be the first film reviewed for the Movierectum that I thought would be bad, but instead gets my thumbs up.

*By the way Neil Hamilton also played the Police Commisioner Gordon in the popular 60's Batman series.

17th May 2009

2009-05-17T16:23:00.002+01:00

Looks like I am building the new movierectum experience as part of my uni Honours project. More frequent reviews start today with Devils Hand, and will continue for at least over the summer. Also expect to see some news on the world of cult movies and also some previews of the new site!

The Gene Generation (2008)

2009-02-27T15:51:00.013Z

So, Cyberpunk then.

The gene generation introduces us to a world of dystopia and airships with TVs on them, which means its only right that the city of olympia, in which the film is set is inhabited by goths.

It has been 27 years since Blade Runner was released into cinemas, and directors are still responsible for releasing films that have flying airships with TV's on them in the opening sequence. A little more progress in the genre would be nice. However if it's progress you are looking for there is no sign of it here. (unless of course the TV's are now in HIGH DEFINITION!!)

The film starts with a scientist explaining that they created a "transcoder" which enables someone to hack DNA. I know... stick with me. Of course their experiments were messed up and the creator of it got turned into a mass of tentacles for no explainable reason. This last remaining scientist is now researching the device to enable it to do good. Apparently it will cure all disease.

Living next door to the scientist is Michelle (Bai Ling) who is a contract killer of DNA hackers. She gets her missions from that bearded CSI coroner. Her brother Jackie is always getting into trouble while looking a little 'emo'. He somehow has loan sharks after him all the time, and gets himself into trouble by stealing the transcoder from the neighbour.

Still with me?

Of course a bunch of evil people, including the transcoders creator (now tentacle monster) want the device back, so Michelle has to try and look cool, goth, Chinese and sexy while killing the bad guys.

Apart from this films plot being completely generic, dull and badly written, the biggest crime of this film is how sorry I feel for Bai Ling. She is clearly only given roles because she is east Asian, not afraid of showing tits, and dresses like a goth. She might be a good actress, but we will never know, as she is clearly not given anything to work with.

I take that back, she will never get a decent role because of her FREAKISHLY LARGE NIPPLES!

The action is badly done, with choppy choppy directing, one cut to one martial art move. They also use the post production gore technique, that is when someone is shot 'blood' is splattered on screen unconvincingly, and only serves to obscure whatever is not happening. Surely even on a low budget film, gore is not that hard to pull off.

This film wants to be a live action, anime Blade Runner and fails at every turn, it has no real value to even the sci-fi fans looking for a shred of something new, nor is it worth watching if you are a fan of all that goth music.

In short, stay well clear - unless you have a fetish for giant nipples.

The Plan

2009-02-13T15:46:00.002Z

Okay, so these updates are slow. I have now promised myself to do one review every friday at least. I have a huge backlog of films recently watched but not reviewed. So expect such gems as Cyborg Cop, Hideous, and some more features as well. The plan is also to get enough people interested in a themed movie session, so far this has yet to happen.

Also the new site is currently under development, features it will include are: registration, forum, shop, user reviews and more! Plus more videos too!

Anaconda 3

2009-02-13T15:19:00.002Z

So, everyone remember Anaconda? It attracted some pretty big names for a pre-Snakes on a plane snake film. Jennifer Lopez, Eric Stoltz and that fantastic actor - Ice Cube. It did okay in the cinema. Then Anaconda 2, less memorable but still managed to bring in some talent like.... erm..... Some dude who's been in CSI.

So what was the next inevitable step for a film of this nature? Three things that make a certified bad movie.

Sci-Fi Channel, Made for TV and finally, but by far the most important, David Hasselhoff. A Hoff that looks off his tits on liquor.

So this one goes like this : Evil scientist Murdoch is genetically tampering with snakes to try and develop a cure for terminal cancer, or is he? The snake escapes (or was it helped?) and the drunken Mercenary - Hammet (drunken Hoff), is asked to find and terminate the snake. Of course the plot has some twists like Murdoch being an evil scientist, which is somewhat obvious due to the actor, John Rhys-Davies. This man is one of my favourite B-Movie actors, but can never be cast as a good guy for some reason. He looks like the cheap, Evil little brother of Brian Blessed. Anyway for some reason Murdoch wants to let the snake free, the reason is never explained. Needless to say it must be evil.

The snake is some of the worst effects ever put in a TV Movie. Not so much the visual quality itself (it's expected to be low, seeing as its sci-fi channel), but rather the way it changes size and scale and looks in almost every shot. The gore is cheap and super-imposed most of the time, the snake never feels like a threat, hoff is obviously wasted, but does the job of having his name on the cover to sell more dvds.

It is extremely terrible. Unfortunately it gets old fast and even John Rhys-Davies isn't up to his usual level of hammy acting. If he has no interest in his role then I'm worried. Ultimately this film fails to deliver on every level. I have not even mentioned the other people in this movie. I just watched it and cannot for the life of me remember their faces, let alone their names!

Avoid.

Sex and the City (the Movie)

2008-10-10T21:14:00.006+01:00

I am always told that guys hate "Sex and the City" because they are guys. Well it is my pleasure to introduce a guest reviewer. These are her thoughts on the movie.

‘I was led to believe this was a movie for women. I am a woman. This blew.’ – anon.

‘I’ve never been more sure of my sexual orientation.’ –Rupert, gay man, Leeds.

‘I’m pretty pissed off! I found this dvd in my girlfriend’s flat and thought maybe she’d listened to my suggestions for introducing porn into the bedroom.’ –Dave, student, Edinburgh.

For a movie starring 4 women who even my 58-year-old father describes as “used”, expectations were low before the opening credits had begun. For those of you not up-to-date with the series, everything seems to be recapped in a sickeningly saccharine way before the theme-song signals the moment when you realise you’ve just signed away two and a half hours of your life…

I might have been born the same year Kim Cattrall turned 28, but I wasn’t quite prepared for how haggard the women looked. It’s hailed as being a movie about fashion (or something), and whilst I would expect 8-year-old girls to think the outfits worn in the movie were pretty happening, they looked completely ridiculous adorning cleavage speckled with age spots and legs with skin that could benefit from an iron. WHO WEARS A FLOWER THAT IS LARGER THAN THEIR HEAD?!?!

“Fashion” aside, one of my main problems with this film was trying to figure out who its audience was meant to be. Who could possibly relate to these women (Besides gold-diggers and heiresses)? How can you empathise with someone who has enough money to just hire an assistant to help her organise her wardrobe because she can’t pull herself out of an angst-y funk for long enough to DO IT HER FUCKING SELF! And as a gift buys said assistant a designer bag (I don’t know the value exactly, but I am aware designer bags demand prices exceeding $4000). Or who takes 5 months to go to her old apartment to pick up a pair of shoes that cost over $500?! These women are loathsome, vile, and spoilt. And old. But behave like children.

Moving on.

The acting. I cannot write about this movie without bringing up the acting. The acting is worthy (more than worthy in fact) of a million Razzies. These women make Keanu Reeves believable in Chain Reaction.

[INSERT MONTAGE OF SHIT ACTING HERE] (missing video - sorry, will be fixed soon!)

To conclude- watching this movie feels like being raped in both eye sockets with power drill. And just to rub salt in the wounds, you’re left with the scarring images of the movie’s (thankfully limited) sex scenes. .01/10

-R

Never Back down/Step Up 2: The Streets

2008-10-05T17:44:00.010+01:00

I remember mentioning to a friend that I wanted to go see Step Up 2, because it looked laughable. At the same time he was suggesting we go to see Never Back Down because it looked like Karate Kid but with Mixed Martial Arts (MMA). So on that very week we both handed over our testosterone licence and watched them both.

Watching a film based on MMA wasn't so difficult (although slightly homoerotic), however Step Up 2 was difficult. If you can imagine two guys in a cinema surrounded by either couples or women.... Actually that's a lie, there was not enough people to be surrounded by them, still.. you get the idea.

The other reason for reviewing these films together, is because both of them are essentially the same film, just aimed at different folks.

Step Up 2's plot goes like this, girl is in an underground dance 'krew' but is about to be kicked out of her aunt's house because her aunt does not like dancing. She lives with her aunt because her mother is dead. So she goes to a school of dance where she brings her own brand of street dancing. This proves a problem, as her 'krew' are not fond of this school, probably because it's not 'street' enough or something. The school is posh and does not like 'street', so she struggles to find friends but does attract the attention of a rich guy, who wants to get into 'street'... yo. So she goes to school and obviously proves to both crowds she can do 'street' with a new 'krew' and pass dance school at the same time.

Never Back Down's plot goes like this, boy keeps getting in fights and has had to move to different schools with his little brother and mother. His father is dead. He starts at a new school and finds his way into an underground MMA championship, which his mother does not like. He finds it difficult to make friends but does attract the attention of a rich girl, who likes fighters. So he goes to school and proves to his mum that he can do both. Sound familiar?

Not similar enough? In dancing movie, there is a geeky friend who helps the girl achieve her potential. In fighting movie there is geeky guy who helps guy achieve his potential. In dancing movie there is a teacher who disaproves of the activities she gets up to outside of school (taking dance to the streets yo). In fighting movie there is a wise master who disapproves of the activities he gets up to outside of training (fighting to hurt people is bad).

My most favourite similarity between the films though has to be in the climax. Both underground dancing competition and fighting competition take place at an unknown time and date, and all participants get a text message to tell them on that day where it is. In both competitions something happens which stops the event from happening, and instead is taken to the streets. Where the final battle occurs, lit by car head-lights.

To demonstrate this i have used my bad video editing skills and prepared the following video, I have tried to keep it spoiler free. You can imagine that these films are pretty predictable so its not like I would be ruining much .

All this aside, the most shocking similarity is that they are both actually good movies! I know they are formulaic, cheesy and predictable. At the end of the day though watching Step Up 2 made me want to go out and dance, while Never Back down made me want to wrestle men. So they must have done something right.

Both out on dvd now.

movierectum.co.uk has moved temporarily.

2008-09-19T01:20:00.006+01:00

Still not been very happy with the way Movierectum.co.uk has been. Wordpress is okay, but been too busy learning stuff for Uni to learn PHP so that i can customize it. However i am getting pretty good at asp.net and hope to make something from scratch using that. Might need someone to design it though, i'm useless at looks, and don't have the eye for web design.

The Bottom line is i am moving all the reviews on here as posts, and will continue to add new reviews and news on this until i have a more permanent fixture for it. (and move hosting)

So look forward to some new reviews! An Uwe Boll blowout weekend is coming soon!

Flight of the living dead [2006]

2008-01-28T02:31:00.000Z

Snakes on a plane has a lot to answer for, it has seemingly opened the floodgates for some odd, unrelated spin-offs.

Snakes on a Train arguably had its own ideas at least, the only thing it shared was well.. the name and the snakes, then it went off on its own crazy ride. Unfortunately Flight of the Living Dead is exactly what it sounds like - Snakes on a plane, with zombies.

There are two flaws here that the writers should have noticed before even putting pen to paper. One: If you are shooting a zombie film with a very tight restriction on available population, then you know there is only so many zombies you can have therefore limiting what you can do with them. Two: If you restrict a film to one small location (ie - a plane) you need to come up with a lot of fresh, tense action to keep people from getting bored. It takes a very, very good writer and director to come out of this with a workable product. Obviously you do not have enough zombies to keep churning out good gore scenes to keep the splatter fans happy.

Regardless it has Dr Suresh’s dad from Heroes in it, which makes this slightly more appealing. Maybe.

Ah yes, I forgot about the plot, silly me. Its all about an evil science project for the military of course, whom yet again are fiddling around with a virus that brings the dead back to life (You would think by return of the living dead 3, they would have learned). Obviously during transportation the experiment escapes and feeds. The heroes in this are barely worth mentioning but include of course, a Cop (transporting a criminal - surprise!), an Air Marshal who would rather be out surfing, a Tiger Woods clone and his girlfriend.

The dialogue is awful, and when they set up some witty one liner or a joke ready for a punch-line, its not even bad… It simply doesn’t make sense.

Obviously the meat and potato’s of a film like this is the zombies and gore. I hate to let everyone down, but bar one scene that was actually pretty good, and another i didn’t see coming, it’s very disappointing. There is a complete lack of good gore and some really bad CGI.

So round it all up and you get something that sounds good on paper but fails in execution, I just don’t see how this film could have worked, and I admire (pity) the director for having the balls to try. One exclusively for the hardcore zombie fans, it is difficult to recommend it even to them!

** Notes about the trailer:
It was made under the working title “plane dead”
The trailer does the sneaky thing of not showing any of the characters from the movie, instead blurs and shakes some snippets of the action together. It is definitely not representative of the final product!

2/5

Ninja Terminator [1985]

2008-01-24T02:23:00.002Z

Unfortunately it is difficult to confirm the history behind this film, however it appears to be two films edited together in a very haphazard way. The plot has obviously been thrown together in an effort to put the films into some kind of context, regardless here it is for your pleasure. Three Ninja dudes each steal a bit of a 3-piece statue which is imbued with ultimate ninja power. However if you possess all three pieces then you will become a Ninja Terminator!

The strange part here is that some of the film appears to be in America, the rest in Hong Kong, the two main characters Jaguar Wong and Ninja Master Harry communicate between the two films with the use of a Garfield phone. It’s amazing what you can do when you dub a film.

Basically most of the film is Ninja Master Harry running around trying to get the remaining pieces of the statue, he ends up fighting a variety of ninja’s and the combat is mostly sword play and silly (puff of smoke) magic. The action varies here between bad to average while maintaining a good level of entertainment.

Where the film really shines though is every scene with Jaguar Wong, who is without a shadow of a doubt one of the most ultimate bad-ass’s I have ever seen on film. Through the phone conversations its made clear that he’s trying to defeat Tiger whom is trying to get his evil hands on the statue (apparently sending ninja’s across to the other film). What Jaguar Wong actually does usually consists of this:

Random gangster: “Hey, you Jaguar Wong?”

Jaguar Wong: “Yeah, why you got a problem?”

[A fight ensues]

It follows this for most of the scenes he is in, and when he finally reaches Tiger we are treated to an excellent fight scene with some good, solid choreography. It’s not without its flaws but is right up there with some of my favourite kung-fu scenes. Unfortunately they did not use this scene as the climactic battle, instead using Ninja Master Harry for this purpose, which is a bit of an anti-climax after Wong’s.

On top of all that, there are some excellent ‘WTF?’ moments like, when Tiger removes his wig for the final fight, when Jaguar Wong gets angry over his jacket, the realisation that Ninjas use toy robots to send messages to each other and last but not least, an incident with crabs.

I have only scratched the surface here, but ultimately Ninja Terminator is more than the sum of its parts and so far is probably my favourite film to have reviewed for the Movie Rectum. It’s a classic and one I can recommend to all types of people.

And finally just to show off, here’s a trailer of Niiinjaaaa Termiiiiinatoooor!

does the Ident at the beginning remind anyone else of the Columbia Tristar ident with a Star Wars soundtrack?

5/5

Earth Defence Force 2017

2008-01-21T02:15:00.001Z

Okay, okay so its not a film.
Don’t worry this won’t happen often, however EDF 2017 has many qualities that make it appealing to B-Movie fans everywhere.

The plot of EDF 2017 is at best a way to drive the action, similar to old 1950’s invasion films it is simply about an invasion by an alien race with superior technology, despite this lackluster plot the atomsphere is spot on. The designs of the Alien Technology - Giant walking machines with Death Ray’s, Flying mini gunships, and of course giant insects keep your interest, while the voice acting is spectacularly cheesy.

The game itself is in third person, you control one member of an EDF unit. You do see other EDF soldiers, but largely they are there for comedy value and just end up getting killed pretty much constantly. The controls themselves are sluggish, this is especially notable in vehicles where it doesn’t seem to care if you have inverted the y axis or not. The weapons (of which there are 100’s) are great fun, although some are pretty useless. Despite all the flaws in the games core gameplay it still fun, especially if you play co-op (not live enabled) with a friend. Destroying an entire city just to drive out an army of giant Ant’s is just a fun thing to do.

Another thing of note is that the graphics are functional at best, but this leaves way for a ridiculous amount of enemies on screen at once, which is really what makes this game fun. Also the game engine is dodgy as hell, you kill things like ants, they tend to just bounce about like a dead 3d object, everything else seems to explode or fall through you. Some might put the game down when they see this, but instead it just made me laugh my ass off.

Best of all it’s just a fun game overall, its easy to pick up and play for 30 minutes just for a laugh, don’t expect Crysis, but enjoy it for its complete lack of substance and silly physics.

3/5

Voodoo Academy [2000]

2007-06-14T02:09:00.001+01:00

This may sound a little un-Politically Correct, but stay with me. With complete confidence I can say that Voodoo Academy is the gayest film I have ever seen. Now I am not trying to insult the movie (yet), nor am I trying to insult an entire sexual orientation. I just mean this movie is constantly on the verge of gay pornography. Its like it was meant to be a gay porn, but with all the porn scenes cut.

Half of the film consists of men wearing nothing but tight underwear and talking.. In fact I can hardly remember what else was in the film… Oh yeah, the plot.

A teenager (allegedly, I reckon he’s 26) comes to study at a religious school. Apparently the head of the school is some kind of religious guru, but he is soon discover that the school only exists to turn its members into ceremonial voodoo dolls!!

There is only one lady in this film, who from what I can tell is supposed to be a dominatrix type… However she’s not very intimidating, and the worst actor in the whole film.

Now back to the main point in the movie, the almost naked men. Its not just naked men… but they get drugged and then you see scenes that last far too long where they writhe about and touch themselves..

There is seriously not much else to say about this film. It’s good to watch and have a laugh with your friends, just make sure all of your male friends are confident about their sexuality first, one way or the other.

2/5

Leonard Part 6 [1987]

2007-05-27T02:00:00.001+01:00

On paper Leonard Part 6 should be the most enjoyable bad movie of all time.

Bill Cosby Plays Leonard, family man, restaurant owner and CIA agent. He is separated from his wife and is convinced by the CIA to do one more mission. He is to retrieve a secret weapon from Medusa Johnson, head of some kind of Animal Liberation Front style terrorist group. This weapon has enabled Medusa to control animals and is using this new found ability to wipe out CIA’s secret agents. Medusas henchmen are all vegetarians, which for some reason plays a large part in how Leonard deals with them.

The insanity doesn’t stop there. During the course of this movie, Leonard meets a fortune teller who is supposedly speaking in Albanian but sounds like a made up language, rides on the back of an ostrich, attacks vegetarians with various meat products, does a ballet dance and drives about in a Porsche Tank.

The whole thing is supposed to be a comedy, a parody of James Bond and various action movies. This unfortunately fails in every attempt at humour. The timing is off, the jokes are very old and when watching it you can tell what they are trying to do, but don’t manage with any kind of success.

There is a problem when a film is meant to be a comedy and fails, it renders it so cringe-worthy and so hard to watch, that even a bad movie fan will have trouble getting through it. When horror or sci-fi miss the mark and fail to achieve, they usually have various redeeming factors that combine to make a great ‘bad movie’, unfortunately when comedy does this, there are very few ways of saving it.

To hit home how truly bad this movie is, you only need to ask Bill Cosby, whom while touring the US chat shows to do PR for the film, told people to not watch it, and in addition bought the rights to the TV broadcast of the film to ensure no station could ever air it.

If you want to see an example of a really bad movie, it is difficult to do worse than this. However bear in mind that it is more likely to make you pull your own teeth out in despair than make you laugh.

For your enjoyment heres a trailer….

Don’t say i didn’t warn you.

1/5

Body Melt [1993]

2007-05-27T01:47:00.003+01:00

“The first symptoms are hallucinogenic, the second is glandular and the third is… Grahhraarghhhhh!” From the VHS box I can tell you that the third is Body Melt, whatever that really means.

An evil drug company called Vimuvile market tests its evil ‘Body Melt’ drugs on the residents of a small neighbourhood called Pebble Court. Why a sinister pharmaceutical company would want to sell something that causes ‘Body Melt’ is never explained. Of course this results in various set pieces and a variety of gory deaths. If you think this sounds like a tenuous way of holding together a film of short stories you’d be right - but that’s not why you’re here…

Without ruining too much, Body Melt includes: a husband being attacked by his pregnant wife’s placenta, an exploding penis, snot, mucous, tentacles, mutants and finally some random deaths that are completely unrelated to the main plot.

This of course will wet any low-budget gore movie fans appetite, but its enjoyment is increased dramatically for daytime TV fans in the UK.

It has Neighbours’ stalwart Harold Bishop in it. Not only that, Harold Bishop is a bad guy….who swears!

Now if that isn’t a selling point - I don’t know what is. The film also contains some other Neighbours’ stars - all dying in fantastic ways.

A particular favourite, is a scene that’s linked only to the plot in a very tenuous way. Two guys from Pebble Court stop off at a gas station to see if they can get a windscreen fixed (the scene where it was smashed is missing) and find themselves stuck with a family that clearly practice in-breeding.

This film loses some points as it feels that, because it is an Australian gore film released after Brain Dead, that it tries too hard to be a Peter Jackson film. It really wants to be a cult movie, which it has managed, but it never quite really reaches the same level of all-out craziness Brain Dead did. And a lot of the comedy comes out of the improbability of the whole plot and the really awful editing.

All things said, this is a great gore fest movie, just don’t eat while watching it.

3/5